A Wish, A Wish

                                                   2010 (c) T Webber   SoulCollage (r) card

What do you wish for less of?

It’s been awhile since I’ve done this, even though I always light a candle for all the other wish-casters every week.  Let’s see if I remember how to do it, shall we?

My wish this week is simple: I wish I had less drama and stress in my life.

Strange as it seems, it is always outside influences that wreak the most havoc.  As in, yes, I worry about my new job.  Yes, I worry about my 9yo’s inherent laziness towards her education.  Yes, I worry about my 7yo, all the time.  Yes, I worry about being prepared for my very first craft show in November.  Yes, I worry about any number of things.  But these are not really the things I need less of…not really.

What I wish is for people to stop trying to interfere, to improve things, to point things out, to involve me, to involve my family, to help, to hinder, to all sorts of other things.

One step back…this is a visual demonstrations.  I forgive, but I never forget.  I hold grudges.  The old guy next door disrespected me once before, a long long time ago and I have never really forgotten it.  I take a savage pleasure in affecting his sense of … rightness…when it comes to our yard.  Our yard.  Not his yard.  I would never do anything to his yard, ever.

We planted azaleas this week-end.  Three little azalea bushes, bought to start the landscaping process at the rental house while I was living there.  Well, since someone else moved in, we decided to let them landscape any way they wanted.  We kept the azaleas here.  Yes, they stayed in their store containers in the front yard all these months, until this week-end.

The guy next door is very precise.  The type that mows his lawn every other day.  Seriously.  His grass reaches 2 inches high and he’s out there at the crack of dawn with his mower (No, he is good.  He does wait until a decent hour.), mowing it down to its approved of one inch or shorter.

We figured out where we wanted the azalea bushes.  We sprayed painted a circle on the ground.  E dug the holes, or she started the holes.  R finished them out with the posthole digger.  We planted the azaleas.  I put horse hay (the rabbits never did like it, so it’s all for gardening now) around the base of the plants. 

I wasn’t watching for the neighbor on purpose; I just happen to catch the look on his face as he walked past our little azaleas.  It was a look of utter disgust.  I don’t know whether he likes azaleas or not, but the hay thing bothers him.  It’s not like I piled hay all up in a big mound, or threw it all over the place.  It’s just an inch of hay, close to the base of the plant, to help maintain moisture and give the plant something to feed on as the hay breaks down.  It’s the bushes, planted out in the middle of the grass, with no bed laid, no real planning.  That is what bothers him.

He never said a word to us.  So far, he hasn’t done anything to the bushes either.  He does trim everything on that side of our house.  We have a forsythia bush there that has been his private domain for years.

This is the less stress thing of which I speak.  Those azaleas may bother the ever-loving bejesus out of the man, but he wrinkled his nose up, kept his own counsel and walked on.  And when he saw me later, he waved and smiled, which for us is conversation.  He actually spoke to me once and I nearly fell over.  He’s the strong silent type. 

I want less stress from other people’s issues…All that just to say that one little thing.  I may not be drama-free myself, but I don’t go inserting myself into other people’s lives simply because I can.  I keep my own counsel, until asked.

That’s it.  Thanks.

Full Pink Moon Dreamboard...and more

I think today is perfect…the perfect time to unveil both this month’s Full Moon Dreamboard and to engage in this week’s wish as well.

What do you wish to invest in?

Well, see, thanks to Jamie and the crew, it’s not that I am wishing to invest in anything.  I am investing in things, like my children, my family, my relationship w R, my self, my art.  Everything I want to invest in has been started.  We have a patio garden that has leaked over into the yard.  We have rabbits as a start to the farm.  We are heavy into the real estate investment venue.  Everything may be moving in small increments, but everything is moving.  So, we’re happy.

I am actually proud of myself w this dreamboard.  I haven’t done a large scale one, or a very collaged one, since, eons ago…I think it was last year actually.  I still keep my old dreamboards, the ones not in a notebook, up on a wall so I can see them. 

This one is a bit different.  It’s a plain piece of poster board.  I did not feel a need to paint it at all.  There was a need to keep the background white, and to make sure there was plenty of space, plenty of open space, in between the various images.

Now, the way I chose the images is interesting.  I have piles of magazine pages, and piles of already cut out images…we went to the very wet and rainy Earth Day event in Forest Park this past week-end…and we stayed for maybe 10 or 15 minutes.  Long enough for E to actually hold a crayfish at one demonstration…we had all sorts of fliers and leaflets…and hey, maybe I will win that trip to Bali…but…the images in the one mini-magazine we had been handed really caught my eye.  Add in a solar energy magazine…and boom, there is the majority of my project.  I did allow myself to grab one sheaf of ripped out magazine pages.  I allowed myself to use images from those pages and nothing else.

I decided to rip out the images, even if they had been previously cut out…they needed to be ripped and torn for this project…the use of words surprised me…especially given the words themselves…and where some of them came from…

Only one image did not make it onto the board…I tore a picture of a woman doing eagle pose…right through the legs.  The pose would not work without the foundation.  Although I did use other pictures that had ripped in the wrong places, I didn’t feel as if the eagle pose could be salvaged and still retain the meaning of the entire piece.

I still did the same old thing I do…I closed off my conscious mind…I stopped analyzing…I stopped judging…I let it go.  I let my hands and my heart move.

I am not about to sit here and try to figure out what it says or what it is telling me.  I sort of have an idea—per usual—without having any clue as to the details…but there is enough there for me to move forward and be happy.

Gratitude

     I meant to write this yesterday, what with it being wishcasting Wednesday and all.  Too many things kept cropping up and I let it go until today instead.  So here we are.

     Jamie Ridler is the most amazing WishMaster I have ever ‘met’.  Every week she brings us a single question with which to challenge ourselves.  Questions like:

     What do you wish to dare?

     What do you wish to be gentle with?

     How do you wish to bloom?

These questions, and the so many other questions she has asked since I have ‘known’ her, are all so deceptively simple.  Until you sit down, until you sit with the question, until that question begins to nibble at your heart and at your brain.  Every week, for two years, perhaps more, I would sit down and I would chisel away at my Self, someone with whom I am not always that familiar, not after having been on the run emotionally for so long, after one divorce, two children, a break-up of the magnitude of a divorce, moving across country, and back again…

     Every week, Jamie drew things out of me.  Some I knew were there, buried and hidden.  Some were complete surprises to me.

     In the past few months, I have found a new footing.  I have found a new grace, a new surety in and with myself.  I have Jamie to thank for this.

     And it is not just Jamie.  It is the incredible and wonderful crew of wishcasters who every week would wish along with me, as I wished along with them.  I have ‘met’ some very beautiful people.  I have made some incredible friends.  This I also thank Jamie for having brought into my life.

     If it weren’t for Jamie, I would have never found the TextyLadies, even though they are currently on hiatus.

     If it weren’t for Jamie, I would never have found the encouragement and muse superb of Sarah.

     If it weren’t for Jamie, I would never have found out about Eric Maisel via Hybrid J, or zentangle, or a myriad of other things…thanks to Hybrid J.

     I could go on and on about the beautiful people, the inspiring experiences, you name it…these above are barely a drop in the bucket.

    

     Lately, I have not been participating as much online, with the group.  Please do not get me wrong.  Even if I do not post, I still light a candle and say a prayer for every wishcaster who makes a wish, whether online or not.  I have always done this, simply because at times there is no way to get to everyone’s blog and read and post and still manage to get my own things done.  And many, like me, do not always post on Wednesday, and I frequently do not remember to go back on Thursday or Friday to see who posted after I did.

     For the past few weeks, every time I have sat down with the intention of answering this week’s questions…I have been stymied in a way…but in a beautiful and brilliant way…I’ve not been able to say I wish to do this…every time of late I’ve been able to say I am doing this…

     If it weren’t for Jamie and for all the other wishcasters, I would never have stopped long enough to examine how I feel, what I want, where I want to go.

     I would never have gotten into collage quite so deeply.  I would not have allowed myself to start drawing…or painting…or open an etsy store…or set up my own anything…

     If it weren’t for wishcasting, I don’t think I would have dared to stop working for some other company and strike out on my own.  I wouldn’t be living my life on my own terms, to the extent that I am doing now.  I wouldn’t be so convinced that I am doing the right thing, or heading the right direction.

     I wouldn’t have allowed myself to look deep enough inside, to bring these things up and to the surface.  I wouldn’t have had the strength to bring them into this world and bring them to fruition.

     I am truly humbled and eternally grateful.  Not just to Jamie.  But to each and every single wishcaster out there.

     Know that every week, I light a candle and say my prayer, for each and every one of you, each and every one of us, whether I am visible online or not.

     Thank you.  All of you.

Last Wish For March

What Do You Wish To Accomplish?

            Jamie is so GOOD at those questions that seem to simple, but upon examination tend to explode into this deep catharsis type thing.

            My original intent was to just say—I want to meet all my goals.  Ok, well, it is obvious I am not finishing the diotima shell today, as my goal was to have it done by the end of the month.  All my writing goals.  All my house cleaning goals, at both houses.  All my goals in regards to the small people.  All my goals in regards to the pets.  Yada yada yada.

            So, yes, those are very respectable goals.  Yes, I very much want to accomplish these things, as well as all the other goals I have set for myself, written down in a variety of different places, note cards and notebooks…but that’s not the crux of the issue.

            I want to be happy.  Funny, the closer I get to it, the more happy I have, the more I actually want to have in my life.  I have been happy deficit for so very long that even the smallest taste of it goes a very long way.

            I want to live out away from human society.  Strange for a Healer and a Priest like me, I know.  I like my people.  I pretty much hate society.  I will openly admit to being a misanthrope, every single day.  I want to find that niche between the here and now that is the world and the world before it all went to hell in a hand basket.  I was born in the wrong century.  We all know that.  I want to find that place where I am happy and comfortable, somewhere between the 16^th century and the 21^st century. 

            Maybe I said that wrong.  I do not want to FIND anything.  I want to create that space for myself.  I want to create that balance between the past and the present, between Society and Humanity (no, they are not the same things). 

            Yes, I think that is it.

            I wish to create my own space and my own niche in this world, from whence I can operate as Society would have me operate and from whence I can pursue all those myriad habits and art forms that once were deemed mandatory in life, like spinning, raising rabbits, growing food, self-sufficiency.

It's A Lovely Day To Make A Wish

            It’s a brilliant day today.  I love days like this, foggy, chilly, rainy.  It has to be something genetic within me, because days like this have always been favorites of mine.  Although, the chilly part I can do without.  I would rather have the chill than hot and humid though, any day.

            It’s time to play w Jamie and her wonderful wishes.

            Now, last week, I chose not to participate, because I have been empowered by the very depths of No of late. The question last week was :  What do you wish to say no to?   No, I won’t work that late anymore.  No, I won’t do that.  No, I won’t worry about that.  No, I don’t have time for that.  No, I am not shifting my priorities simply because “society” says I ought to do so.  The power of Less means becoming powerful in and of my own right.  I didn’t feel, last week, liking making a list of all the things I say no to—because if I want to say no these days, I simply do it.  There is no wanting to say no. 

            This week, when I saw the question, I sort of had the same initial reaction, that whole, but I am doing it now.  Almost as if I am afraid to waste a wish on something I am already currently in the process of doing.  Waste a wish?  That’s what stopped me.  That and the desire to support not only Jamie, but other wish casters as well.  How exactly do you waste a wish anyway?  Preposterous!

What do you wish to pay attention to?

This one I can make more progress w, as I am in the process not of reassessing things, but of making that shift I have wanted to make for so long.  From not simply trying to do what everyone else in the world does, to really doing my own thing, without having to worry about God, or Country, or Ex’s, or Family, or anyone else’s opinion of me in any way.

Come on.  I am about to start raising bunnies.  N is w us all this week, which explains the sheer lack of content from me thus far.  Wait til I tell you about my week-end.  I have spent more time and money on two rabbits I have not even seen than I have spent on probably my last four dogs all together—and that encompasses, what, close to 20 years?  I have invested more time in the health, the safety, the contentment of my bunnies (my bunnies, not our bunnies, mine, mine, mine…I say this for a reason…not E’s bunnies…and not R’s bunnies, as he is quick to tell me—dogs his—rabbits mine—although the man will drive me all over Heck and creation looking for stuff for said bunnies…and he listens to me talk about bunnies, not just my bunnies, but rabbits in general…boy, do I have plans for later on…)

            Bunnies.  A spinning wheel.  Paperclay.  (I am very proud of my ugly doll head—especially now that I know what to do w her…and how she is only the beginning…)  Knitting.  Crocheting.  Sewing.  Drawing.  Painting.  Collaging.  If I lived in the 17-1800s, or earlier, I would be perfectly “normal”.  Alas, I am in this century…and I am going to make the most of it.

What do I wish to pay attention to?  More attention to my art.  More attention to my heart.  My family, children and boyfriend, come first.  Always.  But there is so much more to me.  And when I can convince the small nearly naked man to stay in the house (he is king of wearing underwear only—but we are happy he keeps those on—trust me)—I feel safer—he found out yesterday he could dash out the front door, around the side to open the fence gate, and in through the back door.  Not really an issue right now w the chill in the air, but 1 he doesn’t always shut the gate behind him and 2 when it gets warmer and I start griping about getting bugs in the house, 3  much less having the buns out in their play yard (until we are all better trained)—the whole open door thing won’t fly…I know—the things that go on around here.

Now, before I forget, coming soon here on this blog:  my week-end hunting for rabbit food, and other things.  My New Moon planting day, among other things.  My first use of my pressure cooker—I made boiled peanuts.  Lots more too.  I will try to keep breaking things down into smaller bits. 

Peace.  Enjoy your day.  Blessings.

It's Wednesday--Here's My Wish

          Sheesh—some days I wonder, does Jamie read my mind…or skim my blog for ideas as to which direction I am getting ready to jump into but still need that little push?  She hits the nail on the head so frequently.  She is a most amazing goddess and Wish Master…

            Today’s wish is:

        What do you wish to make time for?

I swear, she has been reading my blog.

I wish to make time for me, for all the weird little things I love and need to do in order to be me.

I wish to make time to read.  I wish to make time to write.  I wish to make time to spin.  I wish to make time to paint.  I wish to make time to paint my little girl’s fingernails.  I wish to make time to tickle my son til he can’t take any more.  I wish to make time to cuddle w my boyfriend –wait—that one I do regardless of anything else in my life.  I’ll keep that one in here anyway.  I wish to make the time to spend more time at my own house.  I wish to make more time for gardening.  I wish to make more time for going out and exploring the world, for bike riding and canoeing and hiking and camping and swatting bugs and watching clouds shimmy by and listening to the animals behind the wall of foliage…and myriad other things as well.

I wish to make time to be swallowed up entirely by that space in between the inhale and the exhale.  I wish to swell and expand in that space, to fill my soul to swelling and bursting w all the things that mean so much to me…that I need to let loose and get expressed, not just to fill me up, but to fill up those around me as well.

Simple wish this week, huh? 

So, let’s make it happ’n, cap,n.

Blessings.

Living the Wish ... Wishing For Life

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for me in the morning, so I didn’t get a good look at the Wishmaster Jamie’s question until early afternoon, as I was in the process of heading out the door to run some errands…and when I saw the question, I simply laughed—I was in the process of giving myself permission to follow some wishes right that moment. It was one of those days when I just KNEW I had to go out.

Now, my original plan had been to go to Kirkwood Knittery (10724 Manchester Rd, Kirkwood, MO)…but when we got into the truck and I programmed out the gps—the feeling just hit me, that no, I should not go there today—if I mean to stay “local” in my yarn whoredom, I need to stay much more local that the 20+ minutes (depending on traffic, more like 30+) to drive the truck out that far…I wanted to stay close to home for some reason. It ended up being a very good thing.

First, value Village, one of our favorite thrift stores, was having a half off everything sale—so I let E have some fun…I will admit, I bought myself this gorgeous formal gown that I had seen there for weeks and weeks…and if I can manage to get a gown that expensive for $4 it was a good deal—except I got it for $2 and now feel more like a queen than ever…and R was mightily impressed…and I threw the whole now you have to take me somewhere where I can wear the dress at him…so we are going to go to the symphony, which we both love. Mwahahaha…the only issue w the dress? Well, the dress itself has one small spot at the hem I knew I could get out by hand…but…I don’t own such a soft grey pair of shoes…and when I buy the shoes, they need to have heels, because this dress is more than long enough for me (all 5’11+” of me) to wear…and it even has a train…and since it has no sleeves or shoulders or anything…that means a shawl…and the Avenue Q shawl I am in the process of making at this moment will not be adequate…more on the whole shawls thing in a bit…

Then, right next door to Value Village, is the little book store called Annie’s. We have seen them there; we have wanted to go in; usually they are closed when we are there. So we’ve never been able to go in. Yesterday, they were open. On February 23, they had started to put up signs: store closing, everything must go. I am planning to take R back simply to look at the bookshelves, real wood, not sagging, even under the staggering amount of books. We spent $22 at Value Village, between E and N, and the game mousetrap…we spent $26 at Annie’s. E found brand-new Dr Seuss books—I found the Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice. I found books by Stephen King I never heard of…and I am currently sucking down ‘from A Buick 8’, which came out in 2002 and I have never heard of. I started it last night and am already on page123—and my faith in Stephen King and his ability to scare the pants off me in the most subtle ways imaginable…has been restored…and so far…he has used the word ‘knit’ or a derivative thereof no less than 3 times…funny, the things I notice. I am not ready to curl up under his arm and listen to his scary tales just yet…but I am much more open to the possibility now…after being so disappointed for too many years…although his son who writes, Joe Hill, he is the master now… Yesterday, I did discover that Tabitha King has continued to write…after reading her first two books eons ago, I had to pass, even at $1 a book for soft covers. I bought a brand new hardback of Alice Hoffman’s new book –or what I am taking as her new book. I love Alice Hoffman…she wrote ‘Practical Magic’ and, as much as I love the movie, I cannot urge you strongly enough to read the book—it’s a horse of another color entirely.

After the bookstore, and a quick trip to dollar tree since the not-blonde girl needed a new hairbrush to keep at R’s house so she has no excuses for not brushing all the rats out of her head in the mornings, we went to the Weaving Dept…
The quilting shop, if I remember correctly is, Helen’s Little Hen House (I *think*)—I tried so hard to remember, but by the end of the trip, I totally lost my mind! First there is the yarn part…
See, I had given myself permission 1 to allow E to pick out yarn for my birthday (I am not ashamed to take her out and let her pick something out for me—and she got the clerk involved in picking stuff out and they did an excellent job) and 2 to buy yarn for my wedding shawl…as my prototype is turning out magnificently—but I want that shawl made in beautiful yarn, not in caron simply soft…which is my test yarn to make sure I have the pattern right…I did manage to decide I want an alpaca/silk blend, roughly dk weight—although I didn’t buy it—because while talking to another yarn whore—I mean, another dedicated yarn enthusiast, and she told me about the barn. The barn has wonky hours, which is why I’d never been there before.
Barn hours are Mon, Tues, Wed, and Sat, from 11a to 3p.
I had 10 mins to get there and get some clearance yarn….except, I spent more like 45 minutes there and walked out w free fiber and no yarn, but a book on teaching myself to spin.
Now, let me explain. There is the main building, w the quilt shop on the first floor and the yarn shop on the second floor. The barn is a few steps away, on the other side of the parking lot.
I dragged my starving child down the stairs and across that parking lot as fast as I could. Now, you walk in the front door and directly to the right is the Clearance barn section of the Weaving Dept. I heard, vaguely, the noises of a restaurant on the left side—but, honestly, naked women could have been belly dancing atop beautifully decorated elephants while juggling baby tiger cubs and I would never have even noticed…I saw yarn…everything else ceased to exist.
Nancy #2 (there are 3 Nancy’s who work there) is an absolute DELIGHT. Not only did she give us tremendously great conversation—but—she gave us a demonstration on a lady bug spinning wheel—which is now officially the spinning wheel E wants me to get, e her love of lady bugs and all. She also gave us a demonstration on using a hand spindle—which I have owned two now for what, three years. I was given a pouf of alpaca fiber, partially spun, on the one spindle—and I have never had a clue what to do w it. Nancy says learning to spin w alpaca is not the easiest thing in the world. Then she pulls out the wool roving—and I swear my heart stopped…she gave me a quick lesson, a handful of the roving to play w on my own…and suggested a book for me to buy—which I promptly did…we did discuss the best model spinning wheel for a beginner—and Nancy gave me a recommendation that I love, a traditional Ashford, which is good for beginner’s, but it will also grow w you…I didn’t buy a wheel right then and there—although I have been planning to buy a spinning wheel for years now…but I now have plans to do so very soon…

Heaven. I am in Heaven. I tell you. I now have this local yarn shop, this beautiful wonderful place, full of yarn and good people, and I am planning to take some classes, any classes, there, just to be a part of things again. You have no clue how very huge the surge in my creative juices hit while I was there.

So. After all that muddle there…let me get to my wishing. A day late, but none the less, just as powerful!

I wish to give myself permission to:
1. Buy that spinning wheel—and whatever fiber I need to buy in order to practice, actually use the wheel, and get good at it.
2. Knit those shawls, w the fibers I want to knit them w, and enjoy them to no end.
3. To walk away from work early and to take the classes I want to take, to enjoy the things that I enjoy, without guilt or anything else.
4. To write and to write some more…because there are so many things I have to say these days that won’t sit still and wait for me to get around to things.
5. To pick up the pencils, the pens, the paints, and create create create.
6. To play w the clay…and if need be, set up the burn barrel in the back yard (w the right permits of course) and raku the heck out of things…

Mwahahaha—so much research to do…so many things to get into and get in trouble over…all the fiber….all that YARN! Hahaha

Wishcasting Wednesday Today!

Where do you wish to make a difference?

            Funny.  How much trouble I had w this question when first I read it this morning.  I was just sitting down to email an old friend…I had already emailed another older friend.  I was thinking about the impression I have made on people when I was younger, how much of a difference I have made in certain people’s lives.  If I hadn’t been so very weird, some people I know would never have had the strength to be just a little weird too…funny…I actually have had people THANK me for that…who knew at the time though…I just didn’t want to be like everybody else…maybe that’s why I tried so hard while I was w the ex hub to fit in and to be whatever it was he wanted me to be…even though I was what he wanted—he told me I was—he simply didn’t want it when he had it…sad.  Especially for him.

            Where do I wish to make a difference?  In the lives of my children.  Of course.  In the lives of my critters.  Weird to say that, huh?  But I am very pro-animal rights…abused children and abused animals are my …thing.  The whole, if I can touch just one life, is no longer really adequate here w me though.  Am I a good friend?  Am I a good mother?  Am I a good priest, mother confessor, healer?  Am I helping someone?  Am I there for someone when they need me to be there?  Am I inspiring?  Do I give hope?

            Uhm.  Ok.  This is just me.  Bullsh*t.  Bullsh*t.  I am not all things to all people. Nor do I have any desire whatsoever to be such.  The one person I need to make a difference w is me, myself and I.  If I am all those others things to everyone else, then thank the heavens and earth.  I’ve done something good.  But, the only way to genuinely reach out and make a difference w anyone else is to start by making a difference w myself.

            It’s more than the whole walk your talk thing.  It’s more than just being who you are.  It’s more than taking personal responsibility and being personally accountable.  It’s about living your life in the way that is best for you (I am so not advocating hurting anyone or anything in pursuit of your own happiness either).  It’s about starting w yourself and doing what you need to do to fulfill all your own sides, fill your own crevices, before you start to walk around working on other people, or working for other people.

            I wish to make a difference w myself and for myself every single day.

            Yeah.  I’m in a strange mood this morning, huh?  Believe it or not, I am actually in a very good mood.  I am honestly in a very good space.  Things are blossoming so well in my life these days.  My post today is not one of bitterness, but of love and possibilities.  Hehehe… if I touch someone and make a difference for them or w them, then, good.  I’m glad.  If not, there’s no skin off my nose either.  I’m still happy.

            Peace.

Wishing Wednesday

Where do you wish to travel?


This is another of those seemingly simple wishes that suddenly becomes very convoluted…
R and I are going to travel, a great deal, and in the not too distant future. Scotland for his family. Ireland for our souls. Wales, for the wilderness in my heart. Germany and France for my own family. China. Egypt. India. Greece. E clamors to go to HI and to Venice. I do NOT want to go anywhere Disney—not Disneyland, not Disneyworld…give me libraries and museums and cemeteries galore…save me from the uber rich…rat…
New Orleans. CO. Canada. WY. WV. MD. VA. Argentina. Cuba. Brazil. Iceland. The Netherlands.
Over the rainbow. Through the woods. Down the rabbit hole. Out into the stars. Lost in the desert.
BLAH BLAH BLH BLAH BLAH…

None of that says exactly what I want to say…I wish to travel through the looking glass, past the dragons, around the Cheshire cat…down into the depths, through the mountain, over the river, within the woods, into the ocean, over the moon…and off to other worlds…and I want to do it all from the comfort of my own home, where I know at any point I can get up and snuggle w the love of my life, or the little loves of my life (kids), or the fluffy loves of my life (dogs), or my own stuffed octopus toy…whichever one snuggles best at any given time…

I want to be the person I have always meant to be—and I am getting really really tired of saying it—and then not actually doing it. I am tired of taking these darned baby steps and not really going anywhere w it.

This, this is my year to really FLY—which is why “Fly” is my theme word for this year…

My dear friend Kerry was picking on me the other day—and called me something—she said it just came to her…the Fay of the Crossroads. She said her Muse just threw it out there and she went w it. Well, her Muse threw it—my Muse caught it—and so far, we are up and running w it.

So, technically, at the moment, I wish to travel to the Crossroads and to fully explore and utilize what I find there.

I am in the process of setting up a new blog to this end. I recently finished combining all of my writing blogs into one main and central location…because having so many completely drove me nuts. I can handle the personal blog, professional blog, other work blog…blah, blah, blah… all the feedback and instruction I have received over the years has always said …keep everything separate…you have one set-up for your writing—you have one set-up for your knitting—you have one set-up for your spirit dolls…so on and so forth.

I have finally come to the realization that—that is not me. Everything I do is a part of everything else, one way or another. So, the new blog, once I have finished setting it up and writing up everything and doing all the weird little things I want to do there, will be me—the mess in the middle—some of this, some of that, and all of me…period.

I could go into the explanation as to why the whole Crossroads thing is apropos for me, but I’ll let that lie—and just make my wish…

I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly and fly, and do every part…

I wish to continue this amazing journey I am on—I simply wish to take more than teeny tiny baby steps—at least part of the time…

First Wish Cast In February

Thank goodness for facebook—I’d forgotten it was Wednesday. Yesterday was R’s birthday, but we really didn’t do anything because he had work/bowling/etc…so the family birthday celebration is tonight once he gets off work…I’ve been more focused on that this morning…that and making a pot of tea …soon…it has to be ready soon…

But, I did scan my news feed on facebook—where I saw Jamie’s work and today’s wishcasting ‘agenda’—which made me just laugh—because, darn it, Jamie the All Knowing and All Powerful hit the nail on the head w this one again. She always just knows exactly what to ask…and so many of us say that at any given time too…which is the other beautiful wonder about her…

So, today’s question and wish is:

What story do you wish to live or let go of?



It’s so funny, because this is my month to crack things open. February has always been my month for these things. February is my literal New Year. Not only is my birthday in February, but at least part of the time, Chinese and/or Lunar New Year’s falls in February as well. Yes, I know…I haven’t finished my post about the Full Wolf Moon, which has all sorts of things ready for me there. That’s coming later.
I’ve been working on setting things up in a different way in my life…well…for years…but ever since I started to work for myself on my own, I have been implementing some amazing changes. I have wonderful clients, who will support me and continue to seek me out as I make these changes. I also have the backing of the most incredible man, who always has my back. So, making the changes is not necessarily as scary as it may come across…I am just unnecessarily wary of making changes…even when I know it is for my own good.
The past week has been about clearing things out, physically, emotionally, you name it. I have been trying to set up a sacred space for myself – one that travels between houses – as well as one that sticks w me no matter where I am or where I go. I know I have spoken here and there, for awhile, yes, but more lately, about paring down my so-called ‘responsibilities’ and ‘duties’ and whatnot…making room for the things –and people—that I love and appreciate—as well as keeping open the space I need for my family, my children, myself.
I started out by making notes about what I expect of myself every day, day by day. I really do do much better w a hand-held, hand-written schedule…although it does help if I look at the darned thing periodically…and I was appalled by the things I wanted to do versus the things I felt obligated to do. I was ashamed by the list of people I want/need to write/email—and haven’t yet…some of them have been waiting more than weeks to hear from me too…I was ashamed to see the people I want to support and show love to that I barely even acknowledge other than in my head…when I know they need/want actual visible support…I have been feeling selfish about wanting to take the time to spend w my boyfriend and children…feeling it was a better thing to be available to clients…rather than to my family or my home or my art…

I have been taking steps, small ones, yes, but each tiny baby step always has a meaning and an energy and a purpose…I may be one heck of a procrastinator…but ye gods and little fishes…just you wait til I get going…

I have a slew of notes sitting here waiting to be turned into articles for my work blog…among other things. I have a friend who is encouraging me to actually publish more and in more varied places than I had anticipated or considered…my fingernails are starting to grow back (after the moving and the unpacking and the stress/etc) and I am starting to feel human again…dark green and dark blue nail polish does that for me.

I have one novel in editing phase…rewrite and edit phase really. I have another novel just started, completely plotted but still very open. I have goals set for self-publishing the poetry that has been sitting around here since I was in high school. I have knitting patterns to test knit—a cabled hat to finish for R before Friday—not going to happen, but I will have a simple hat done for him by then…I have to start that tonight, but it’s a simple pattern…I have clay calling out for my hands…I have drawing pens and pencils and paints waiting for my hand…I have pictures taken the other evening when we went to the Chinese restaurant (I can’t remember the name—but it’s the good one by Cheap Trx tattoo)…

I have a family that I get to spend every evening with so we can actually cook together and sit down and eat together and just sit and talk to one another. I actually have a man who will sit down and play games w the kids and me…like rummikub or trivial pursuit or clue or anything like that…it’s awesome...R just made it completely impossible for me to want to sleep at my own house. We got rid of the water bed mattress and now have a memory foam mattress…we set it up last night. I love it.

R is a big part of the reason I am able to make the changes I want to make. Here’s a man who is planning to take me to see ‘Avenue Q’ and ‘Young Frankenstein’ at the Fox theatre. Next bowling season, every Tuesday night we are going to be there w him, watching him bowl. I am not consistent enough to request to be on a league or anything, but watching him and talking to people works for me. I am actually getting out more…the man I am with actually wants to do stuff w me…not hide me from his … whatevers…not too cheap to take me out anywhere…someone who is more than proud to be seen w me…even w the kids tagging along…this man is priceless.

I am all about my family and my home. My art is simply a part of me. A jump off place for me to get started to help support my home and family.

What does all this mean? Yeah—I know—I ramble—but it helps me get things out and get them more in focus, put things more into perspective.

What I wish for is to actually be the person I want to be. I want to write more. I want to spend more quality time w my family (yes, I am a stay at home mom who works from home and I want more time). I want to make more time for my art…for my real work…

Funny thing is…as I write my wish here…I have already set the wheels in motion to make this wish come true…I have cleaned up different blog readers (the way I get blog postings, not people who read my blogs)…a lot of stuff I cut out during the move to cut down on clutter…the ones I liked I kept and I haven’t really been missing the others…it’s sad to say. I am marketing more…I am networking more…I am having more time for friends…I have changed my work schedule, re-arranging clients more and leaving more time for my art work.

I keep forgetting. I have a network in place. I simply have to make use of it. I wish to remember to make use of all the …possibilities… set before me, that I have on hand.

Blessings.

A Day late-But Still A Wednesday Wish...

What do you wish to awaken?




Yesterday, it took me forever to actually load Jamie’s site yesterday. At first, I thought it had to do with my being on the laptop—maybe the wifi signal wasn’t strong enough or something. Despite the fact that I was sitting right by the modem unit thingy…not three feet from it. So, Jamie’s site refused to load on the laptop. I tried for two hours…and then tried the desktop. Same deal on the desktop. I tried the laptop, the desktop, and the netbook…from about 9 in the morning til…I found Jamie on facebook that evening…and after about ten tries, I was finally able to get Jamie’s website to load via facebook’s link…and I left it up all night so it would still be there in the morning…once I was able to load it, the site seemed ok…

Then, I took a look at the question though…and gasped…OMG…this woman is SO incredible! Talk about an innate ability to smack someone right between the eyes with exactly the right question at the absolute perfect time. I was so shocked and amazed that I actually looked at the screen and said, out loud, I have to think of this overnight before I can answer.

As if this hasn’t been the stuff floating around on my brain for weeks? Months?? Longer??? Anyway…

What do I wish to awaken?

Wow. Lol I am currently reading “Entre Nous” by Debra Olliver…a book about awakening your inner French girl…but as I am reading it, I have to realize that, uhm, other than the whole French ancestry thing, I do have that French girl thing already, even if it isn’t as defined as I’d like it to be…and I am only 73 pages into it right now. There are things I am planning to change, not just based upon this book, but because I’ve been heading that way for awhile anyway…but still...the book makes it more fun…
Another book arrived last night, “Simply Irresistible” by Ellen T White—about awakening your inner siren…although…w R…that is not an issue…and from what I read when I skimmed it last night, the book won’t be much help for me…because I already do … a lot … to appease that inner siren.

So, what to awaken? How about I turn the question just a smidge? I’ve awakened quite a bit of archetypes within myself in the past few years, even more so in the past year…but…awakening something from a slumber and getting them to engage fully are not exactly the same thing.

I have awakened my Inner Goddess—I have awakened my Inner Writer—I have awakened my Inner Artist—I have awakened my Inner Siren…not that she was ever that dormant, despite all the ridiculous men in my life prior to R…now I want to bring these …pieces of me…to the forefront of my existence…I want them to grow fully awake, engorged w life, blooming, blossoming, moving shaking dancing gyrating Yoga inducing lucid dreaming ball-busting yelling screaming tears of joy happy happy …everything…that kinda sums it up, huh…

When you come right down to it, other than taming the Procrastinator in me, what I wish to awaken and to more than fully embrace is this happy joyful person I am becoming…

I am leaving behind the unhappy, the disturbed, the angry, the fearful, the hurt person I have been for so very long…
The things I depended upon R for when he was only my friend are the cornerstones of the relationship between us…and the stability between us allows me to coerce and correct all the other inadequacies in my life in such a manner that I don’t have to be afraid of falling or of failing, because no matter what, that man will be right there, willing to laugh at me and tease me to no end, but willing to pick me up and help brush the dust off…that is truly my saving grace…knowing no matter how hard I fall, nor how far I fall, he will be right there, the entire time, and that his feelings for me will not change a bit.

So, despite all the other titles, I wish to awaken and embrace my own Personal Inner Goddess…that should cover everything…and then some…and still leave plenty of room for more growth and improvement.

Peace.

Wednesday Is For Wishes

How do you wish to shine?



Wow. I really had to stop and think about this one. I have been so focused lately on so many things. And there are quite a few areas I want to shine on in—and once starting to ponder that range, my mind immediately begins to jump to in order to set the process of shining into motion…

I want to shine. I wish to shine. I am really in the process of shining.

It is strange to think I am this close to forty and just now really starting to live my life, but it is true.

I shine: as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a lover, as a teacher, as a counselor, as a confident, as a writer, as an artist, as the dirt worshipping tree hugger Earth Mother freak that I am—and I love it.

I wish to continue to shine in all these areas—as well as any other areas that present themselves to me. I wish to shine and to shine brighter, every single day.

Thank you, Jamie, and all the other wish casters and well wishers, for helping my wishes come true.

Daring To Wish Today

I so love Jamie Ridler.  She is a master Intuitive.  She just KNOWS what question to ask every week.
This week's Wishcasting Wednesday question made me laugh when it dawned on me that today is Wednesday and I ought to go right that moment to Jamie's blog, some vague time in the afternoon....


Here's the question for this week:

What do you wish to dare?

First of all, you should know that as of last night, I was really involved in the knitting spree mentality...and I dare to desire to finish off these socks--and to make my son is Captain America sweater!

This morning, I proved my love for my significant other.  I did not cast on once.  Not twice.  Not even three times.  This is the fourth and final cast on that I am currently working on--and at this moment taking a break from--and I honestly do not think my poor little 3US bamboo double point needles can stand another go round like we've had since this morning when I got up.  I even switched to a different skein of yarn, same colorway and same brand, just different skein, in case that would help things along--for the record--it really did.  

Now, I have spent oodles of money on sock knitting books and sock yarn recently.  I have perused and studied and pondered.  I have scoured ravelry for hours and hours on end.  I cannot find the pattern --the exact pattern-- that I am looking for.  Of course.  I have a DK weight yarn.  I have size 3US needles.  I have other yarn, yes.  I have other needles, yes.  But for this first pair of socks, I want to use DK wight yarn and size 3 US needles.  The rest I will work on later, after this initial pair of socks.  What does this mean?

It means that not only am I daring to knit socks in the first place--I am doing so by combining about seven different patterns in order to achieve what I want to achieve.  And I am taking as detailed notes as I possibly can--since i am only working one sock at a time--and because if this turns out right, it's going to be my own basic pattern for socks for R.  Once I get the prototype practice version down, I can extrapolate for smaller needles and thinner yarn.

However, as of this morning, I can do the Turkish cast on in my sleep, after drinking an entire bottle of tequila on my own...

I frogged my work three times.  That says nothing about how many times I cast on and ripped it out because I didn't like it, it wasn't tight enough, yada yada yada.

Once I was done giggling about the socks, it dawned on me...this entire frakkin' month of November is all about DARE for em.

NaNoWriMo.

I am daring to actually write a bloody novel...the entire crummy thing.  Ok, so it's a draft.  It's a pain in my backside.  But I am loving it.

Right this moment, my word counter is at: 33385 words.

Yes, I am knitting because I am trying to keep myself from hand-writing things.  I can't input the hand-written stuff into the word counter.  Yes, I am being silly and obnoxious.  Have you been keeping up with me--that sort of does describe me pretty well most days.  ;-)

Worse thing is, when i woke up this morning, after last week's, hey, let's not go this way, let's go that way scenario where my novel decided it didn't want to go the way I wanted it to go--I had another novel news flash.

My  Muse needs to be smacked--HARD.  Yeah yeah yeah.  I have the paddle in mind to smack her with too.  R will know which one I am talking about.  But--do I go with the one that leaves the word b**ch imprinted on her backside...or the one that leaves the heart imprinted on her backside....decisions decisions...darned Muse.

First of all, my main character and I go way way back, like more than twenty years at this point.  I have a file cabinet full of poetry and short stories and all sorts of folders and binders full of notes for and about her.  I have a main line story in my head.  Only the periphery stuff has changed over the years.

No.  Not good enough for my Muse.  She can't deal with this.  She seems to thrive on blowing my plans out of the water  and creating this amazing but irritating chaos all around her.  Yeah-I know--sounds familiar.  That's what I do for people.  Kinda sucks to have it thrown back at me, but usually it's a good thing.  

Except when I am in a competition and I am supposed to start and finish a rough draft in thirty days or less.  

And the b**ch wakes me up this morning and says, hey, did you know you were really writing two novels in one? 

Duh.  I knew that already.  That was the whole premise.  The whole two worlds colliding scenario.  

I am still pissy enough about the extra main character that cropped up out of nowhere and usurped my male leads' roles somehow...

Well, since we are writing two novels in one, we can either focus on the one intensely, or focus on the other intensely.  She proceeds to take me up and down the length and breadth of both worlds.  Neither of which did I really want to do, not in this draft, nor i this particular novel.  

Since that didn't do it for me, she lead me down another path.  Somehow she not only broke the novel into two different novels again, but she altered the focus of both as well, and threw in all this stuff I just do not want.  Which is technically a third and completely different novel all together.  

My main character has the potential to be a serial character.  Her story is weird enough to carry through all sorts of measures.

That's not my point nor is it my goal with this novel.  

I would dare my Muse to shut her mouth--but she might actually take me seriously.  Then where would I be?  A Museless creative creature who has migraines and whose boyfriend currently lives too far away to use him shamelessly to get rid of the migraine before it blows up and becomes the whole hide in the closet and try not to sob because it hurts more if I do migraine.  

My one other dare, which has to do more with R than with me, is I dare to believe that we are going to close on this house before December arrives.  There was a glitch with the financing.  Not on our side.  But that doesn't stop the delay.  I am betting we can find the necessary assistance to close this house in eight days.  I believe that.

And if we don't?  Then we still close in early December anyway.  we're all still good.

So, like, here I am, like, at the bottom of this post, like, with no other avenue to explore....

sorry--some days, that just comes out in me now and then.

What's my wish for the day?

I don't really have a specific wish.

I guess I wish to just keep daring myself and to keep accepting and meeting those dares.