Also called, how I tortured my kids this weekend…or rather--how they tortured me...
There will be pictures, those that we have, later on…
We went to Millstadt Eckert’s and their Fun farm this Saturday.
I was actually very impressed with N, he of the most obstinate and bull-headed. The whole trip there, he didn’t want to go. He wanted to go to dairy queen’s playground. Until we made a turn and were getting really close to Eckert’s. I guess about the time we started to see the Fun Farm This Way signs….then he wanted to go pumpkin picking….and we could not get there fast enough for him…
First, there was parking in the muddy field. And walking to the gate to get in. Nik dragging me this way and that to get there faster…faster…
Then, we’re all together and standing in line to get in…and he has to pee…so after we pay to get in, we consult the map, find a bathroom and go.
The bathroom’s are port-a potty’s. Apparently, N hasn’t seen these before. He goes in, opens the door and looks at me—is this where I’m supposed to go pee? And I tell him yes. The door closes. Then the door opens. His pants are unbuttoned, but thankfully, nothing is hanging out. He needs his jacket off. Ok. He goes back in. he opens the door. He needs his sweatshirt off. Ok. He goes back in. He’s in there. For awhile. There is singing. Not at all unusual. A crowd is gathering. As is the wont in places like this. He comes out. His undies are up, thank goodness. His pants are down around his ankles. He can’t button them. So I scootch him over so the one lady can get in…and he scootches us in front of the other port-a-potty. I am trying to zip and button him and move him forward, out of the door’s way, when the lady tries to come out (luckily she was standing there during the jacket/sweatshirt process, so she was understanding) –he didn’t want to go much farther until he had his jacket on…but I got him to move enough that we weren’t in anyone else’s way.
Now, T had told me N doesn’t like rides. Really? The kid nearly killed us all to get from the bathrooms to the spinning apple ride. And he screamed in line because he had to wait. There were only 4 apples…you can fit maybe six people in per apple, but it was more like three or four…they weren’t overloading them or anything…the lady felt so bad because of his crying to get on that she let us go twice…N was maniacally laughing…until we spun the apple too fast and then he just looked down til it slowed again.
After that, it was the swings. You know the swings. It’s like the airplanes for the little kids. One kid per swing and all it does is spin around in a circle. He demanded to ride the swings. I kept telling him he wasn’t going to like it, was he sure. He was determined. I told him if he got on he had to stay on the entire trip. He said fine.
So, we are standing in line, and my loving gracious none-to-small son, starts saying in his very loud voice, my butt itches, my butt itches, and he’s doing the my butt itches dance while trying to take his pants off and get his hand down his pants….one of the other mother’s in line spewed soda out of her nose on that one…her kid was a baby in a stroller…she has no clue what awaits her. I drew N aside, trying to hide him behind a big planter, while he itched his butt and I kept him mostly unseen by the crowds…then all was well and we were back in line.
He was the very last kid on. He almost had to wait another time, but he lucked out. There was one swing left. He was so thrilled and so proud of himself. Until they helped him get in. And they tied him in. There’s the bar that goes down over the lap. And a seatbelt looking thing, so there is no way the kid can slide out under the bar…there’s the loop for the lap and one that clicks between the legs….he was trapped. He HATES that. He started yelling. I found a spot where I could yell over at him to try to comfort him as best I could…
He was near tears before it started. The guy told me he could stop it at any time if we needed it to, but I told the guy N knew if he got on he had to ride the whole ride. N and I both cried through the whole thing. That boy was never so freaking happy as when he got off that ride. He actually cussed me out—I was supposed to save him and I didn’t….(the cussing thanks to Shaun of the Dead…does anyone else question why a 5-6yo AUTISTIC child is permitted to watch Shaun of the Dead…I own the movie…but I am the only one who watches it…the only reason N saw it at my house was because T told me to put it in for him….I’ve talked my way out of having that movie on for N before…although I find it strange that the beatings and mutilations and the eating of humans does not bother N in the least…although scary jack-o-lantern faces scare him into silence and hiding….E refuses to watch Shaun at all…too gory and yucky) . E and R were playing putt putt golf when N and I found them…we had to follow them around while N calmed down—and yes, I carried the poor guy the whole time—this is one of those times when he definitely earned being carried…
Then N got to play on the wooden castle thing with all the other kids, climbing and running around. There was a sandbox after that, which helped ground and settle him a bit. I left R and N in the sandbox to take E to the animal petting part. There were zebu and baby camels and an antelope of some sort…E got to pet that one, but not the camels. There were some really stupid kids (older kids, like teens or pre-teens) there too and E and I worked hard to avoid them. There were goats and a donkey looking thing too. E was upset. She couldn’t get in, past the stupid kids, to pet the camels.
There was the corn maze. N was not impressed with the dried ear of corn, but he had a blast dragging me around to find his sister. His sister took off in the beginning, nearly giving me a bloody heart attack…I was raised by a mother who was afraid her kid would get kidnapped and, in her estimation, I was….it’s true. So I have an inordinate amount of fear about these things. Then, outer limits and twilight zone freak that I have always been, stick me in the bleeding cornfield and let me lose a kid…wah freaking hoo there, bucko. I could have killed her. R found her. Then since E took off, N took off—and he ran—only N has the Knack…he ran through the maze right out into the crowd again….so, I could have killed them both…
E and I then got to ride Barney the camel. Our handler was Jeff. This is where things got kinda …bombastic…between a small boy who wanted to be ornery and act up and a man who absolutely would not tolerate that and who desperately wanted to make the camel ride memorable for E and for me by taking pictures…we got a couple pictures…but none were really good…and you can almost see the camel in them….E and I still had fun. It is very difficult to take a picture while pinning a small very strong child who is trying to run off in one place….
Riding a camel is not like riding a horse…there is a whole other motion. Do you know what that means? It means—I get to have camels when we get the farm. I already have plans for llamas and their mamas, goats, sheep, alpaca…camels produce a very nice wool too…and I can ride the suckers…I like this idea…not that I have given up the rescuing of mustangs or other endangered horses either…..
There was then the mineshaft slide…which R and E loved…N stood in line but right before it was their turn to go, he decided not to—I don’t blame him—it’s a tube underground….in an enclosed tube, under the ground…I was proud he at least tried…N and I got to sit by the campfires while R and E did the slide. R took video of going down the slide—that is so cool…yes, I will figure out how to post it for you once I get a copy of it….still…you could not have paid me to go down that thing…an open air slide, sure…an enclosed one…R is still trying to get me to go down the enclosed slide at the dairy queen playground by our house which we know is large enough for an adult—I just cannot do it…they are all very lucky I go up in the play area as high as I do…
Next was a hot dog for the boy to curb some of his grouchiness. E had Doritos. R shared his brat with me…and I had several bites, with mustard and relish, so there, I tried something different…and it didn’t suck too bad (mostly cause I missed the mustard for the most part and R for some reason has convinced me eating green things like pickles and relish is ok….gross…)
Then, we stood in line…for the HAUNTED HAYRIDE! N was actually pretty excited to be standing in line. He liked riding the wagons pulled by tractors at apple picking. I kept telling him we were going for a ride. He was not interested in apple picking this time. But he was going to make darn sure he got his turn and he wasn’t left out of these rides. Thank goodness, 1 we got in line when we did so we didn’t wait that long and 2 that Eckerts had about four or five tractors and wagons ready to go all in a row….one would fill up and head out and they’d be filling the next one before the first one was gone…I think we made it on the fourth one…
We had a screamer in our group…and lucky N and me, we sat right across from her. N loved the view of the city, but as soon as he saw lights and heard the banging of the cage door, he hid inside his hood. He really liked when the combine came after us though—and boy, did it really come after us. The screamer scared N more than the ghouls chasing around the wagon. After the combine, I had him off my lap and wedged between R’s back and my stomach…so he was pretty good for the rest of the ride…despite the screamer…then came the very last scare…the dude with the chain saw…that scared N to no end…then he started shaking…but that was the end and it was all over and N was great when we got off the tractor…
I asked him if he had a good time on the ride and he honestly said it was nice. I asked him if he wanted to do it again and he said no thank you. R was very disappointed w E though—she never flinched once the entire time. So we are planning to take her to a haunted house here soon, just to see if we can scare the snot out of her.
After that, there was picking out the pumpkin. We got a nice big bumply one….E picked out a green and orange squash that looks like a pumpkin…and we got a smaller regular more pie baking type pumpkin as well…and to show you how very off I was at that moment, when E asked for some of the cookies there, I said sure. When we got them home and I saw the price…$7.49 for a dozen pumpkin iced cookies….I think my heart stopped…I hadn’t seen the price on them when we bought them…I figured they’d be a dollar or more than what we’d pay at a regular store…but $8!?!?! They were good cookies, but not $8 worth of good! I don't care what E says about them!
After buying our stuff…we had to hike it back through the dark to the car…and N was so ready to go. Anytime we go somewhere all he wants to know is…are we going back to your house? He doesn’t want to go back to T’s house…he’s ok going to R’s house so long as we aren’t spending the night there…did we go right back to my house?
No. The grown-ups were starving—and so was the girl, in her own picky way. We went to O’Charley’s by my house, which we love…and not just because kids eat free…but because of their terrific dinner rolls…N had fallen asleep in the car on the way back from eckerts…you stop the car and the boy is awake though…he laid his head in my lap at O’Charley’s, popped up when his food came…then he had to go potty, w R…and that woke him up….but at least he ate. And he even wrote everyone’s name on their take out containers….I was very impressed w this…
Once home, I put in a movie for R…To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar….R had never seen it before. Oh my goodness, I had forgotten how very funny this movie was….Wesley Snipes as Auntie Noxi, short for Noxema….oh my oh my oh my…but Patrick Swayze was utterly divine and so perfect as a woman…he was a true lady….N and E went to play on the computer…but both would come out wearing my 4 and 5 inch heels and strut around a bit….
That is the great part…it was a terrific day. R and I got to camp out on the couch and actually watch tv. We got home so late and the man still stayed to watch a movie w us…
Now…we only have a few days left til Halloween…to get E into a real haunted house…she loved the haunted hayride, but the screamer bugged her too…but she enjoyed it…we just need something…scarier for her….
Mwahahahahahahaha…does she live in the right household for that……
Join others as they scared themselves and their kiddies at:
The Domestic Withces Halloween Blog Party
