So, it's time for Full Moon Dreamers today, huh?
The Full Corn Moon
For days now, weeks even, I have had imagery in my head, thoughts of going through magazines (since I am about to purge my way through that massive pile here soon anyway), drawing out images of Home, farming, log cabins, trees, lakes, families in front of the fire place, cheerful scenes w a happy couple, with happy children, rollicking with pets, riding horses, petting goats, the whole enchilada. I was planning to use a big piece of poster board and just go to town.
I was planning to start gathering images yesterday. Nope. Yesterday, I reached the last link on the chain of my well-wishing and tolerance for allowing my daughter to be her own person and find her own way in things. Six and a half 33-gallon garbage bags later--her room is pretty clean. Gone are nearly ALL of this child's toys. The week before we cleaned out her closets, well, I say closets but all her clothes were on her floor in one pile or another, and we sorted and purged. Got rid of the stained and dismally abused clothing. Got rid of all of the too small stuff. Still haven't found the stash of winter clothes I have for her...but surely it can't have gone too far. Cleaning out the storage room is not next week's task--but the week after's. Next week, I go through all the remaining toys in the house, most of which are in my son's room. They are not all his--most of them are collectively theirs--originally I had wanted each child to have their own special toys, and then a grouping of larger toys that everyone shared and played with, so there would be no fighting or arguing. No one else thought that was a good idea--because boys can't play with girl's stuff and girls can't play w boy's stuff--which bodes ill for the fact that I always played Han Solo when I was a kid, huh? Or that I LOVED racetracks and fast cars....uh huh. Says alot about me, I know. When the kids are here, we share. And that is all right. it works real well for us. Let the ex dwell in his own self-imposed selfishness. Not my stuff.
Anyway--my apologies for the drifting there...what it boils down to is...I was far to mentally and spiritually exhausted after going through all my daughter's stuff and tossing out anything that was not where it was supposed to be. All the fighting I did when I worked for pennies to make sure she got everything...and here I was throwing it all away because she has yet to figure out how to respect her own things and take care of them if they mean something to her...a lesson she is quickly learning this time--because now Mama checks every night and anything on the floor is garbage, period, be it in her room or the living room or whatever....
The whole thing makes me sick...literally. On so many levels.
Last night, I couldn't sleep, for a variety of reasons. Most of which being my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is a passive-aggressive monster and she is still playing power tripping games, since they had a dog that lived w him and his two dogs for about three years and then to be a, ahem, vindictive snot, she took the dog... like two-three weeks or so after they officially broke up because she hadn't really admitted to herself that they were broken up...just to punish R and because she was "lonely"--because no one but a dog can put up w her complete inability to communicate. I am honestly not being mean--I've met the woman many times over five years and I have seen her inability and unwillingness to even attempt to communicate in the most basic of situations in action....she still holds the dog and many of R's possessions over his head as ransom...even though she pitched a furious fit the day she realized that it was actually over and had a pre-prepared list of every item at his house that belonged to her that she demanded back right that minute...especially her house key and garage door opener...but she could not return his house key, or other any of the other things that she had at her house that she knew about and didn't bother to bring w her to his house when she came w her list...and she continues to drag it out...for her own entertainment...or because of her own slothful nature or whatever....
anyway...enough of that...I could make such BIG money writing a book about this woman and using her as an example of how NOT to be as a grown-up...as a self-help book it would sell MILLIONS...and make MILLIONS...and I could hold seminars and classes and retreats and everything...lest people become that bad--even my son's dad is nowhere near that bad...and for me to say that, you know she has to be really bad....
I pulled out this canvas I've been working on for the past week. I had no real clue what I was going to do with it. No real clue why I was doing it in the first place, other than I could. I pulled out a brush and some black paint and made a few lines. Went to bed and let it dry.
So, I woke up this morning, thinking, I need to grab the magazines I'd found a few days ago and left on the kitchen table, need to grab more magazines from the stash-o-matic, need to start cutting and pulling and assembling....
and what I did was pick up the painting from last night and start working it it.
Here are pictures of the work in progress....
The background is roughly eight or so layers of paint....I was looking for something....I didn't find what I thought I would find...but I like what happened anyway....
The edges are modeling paste...it was originally supposed to be wave-like, at least in my mind. For some reason, as I worked on the background and the edges I kept envisioning a big sunflower....shiny and happy and bobbing heavy w seed....
That's not what happened either. :-)
This is my heartwood tree.
I have a thing for trees. I have a deep affinity with and for trees. I will work to save the rain forest or some national park or some place local with trees before I will attempt to clothe the homeless or feed the starving....and only trees will make me donate to causes outside my own country...because to save a tree is to save the world. Otherwise, I follow my own advice. I save those here closest to me first, then work on everyone else.
If I want the government to listen to what I have to say (A HUGE joke, I know) I still have to walk my talk...which means we feed the hungry here first, we clothe the destitute here first, we take care of our own first, so we are much stronger and better apt and able to take care of others.
I am in no way downplaying the homeless or hungry or war-torn elsewhere...and I will go no farther here...it just makes me angry and I am upset enough today...
This is my heartwood tree.
This is the symbol of everything I am working towards.
This is my mighty oak grown from the tiny acorn.
We do not have all our leaves yet. We are still growing, but we are strong and firm.
This is the representation of everything I want this month.
I want to find that home where we can lay down those deep roots and not worry about the upheaval of the rest of the world displacing us.
I want to climb the branches and find the secret things I do not yet know where my business is concerned.
I want to connect every limb of my family with every other so that we are a whole and functioning unit.
Maybe this is a flowering tree. Maybe it produces fruit or nuts. I want to be there, have my family around and with me, as we undergo this process....
This is my journey for the month.
Mostly it starts with finding a place to call Home where we are safe and united.
That is my goal.
