Please Excuse This Debris

I have to post this separately, in its own post, or else it may be overlooked by the intended party....for everyone else, please forgive the interruption.

A quick note per R’s request here, although he has nothing to do with what is being said: C, if you are reading this blog, make sure you go to my main writing blog; there’s a lot more stuff there for you, and some very specifically written for and to you, if you really have nothing better to do with your time other than tormenting yourself and giving yourself something to fume over, over things that have absolutely nothing to do with you.  You can try to make this someone else’s fault all you want.  Except that from day one, for five years, there have been communication problems on your part, because he has complained about that for five years.  Consistently for five years.  From the very first night.  I was there.  I heard it all.  Not to mention the part where he says the relationship was only decent, decent, maybe, the first six to eighteen months.  After that, you did nothing at all to do anything to encourage the relationship farther.  It’s been dragging out that long.  Although I myself understand staying in a relationship because you think you have to, being miserable for more than three years and there are no kids involved is moronic.  Consider yourself lucky that he felt so bad for you, that he felt he could help you.  You can blame me all you want—but he was looking at rings well before I moved back.  If you hadn’t shown your true colors during your whole house buying situation, he might have bought one, despite his severe misgivings about doing it.  He had dropped that plan long before I ever thought of moving back.  So, go ahead.  Blame me all you want.  But it isn’t me who did this.  It was never me that had anything to do with it.  It was always you.  It was always always you. 

And a personal aside here—if you cannot clearly communicate where the boundaries are, like, this is finished and over, and stand by them, the other party is going to move on, without taking you into consideration.  Since you have shown the proclivity towards nonverbal assumption rather than any rational sort of communication, and you have admitted how you have left other boyfriends without really letting them know verbally, just letting them figure it out for themselves, it is very easy to see why they don’t think they’re cheating on you, but you do.  Because they think it’s all over and you don’t.  I feel bad for you.  I always have.  One of these days, I truly honestly hope you can find the help you need to break out of your cycle and be the person you think you are, or the one you want to be, or whatever makes you feel whatever you need to feel.  I watch people struggle with this issue every single day.  Some of them get that help they need and move on to much better lives.  Some of them don’t.  I feel for you.  I pray for you.  I wish you only the best.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

I have to give the ex some credit. The man who can never be on time to save his life, ever.

Which has to be the worst pet peeve in my life. I can give you credit for five or ten minutes, especially if you apologize and say it was traffic, or the kids, or you got a late start, or anything at all.

This man never apologizes. Not ever. Not since I have known him.

When you say I will be here at 12N--I expect you to be there at 12N, give or take a few minutes. If you are going to be later than 5-10 minutes, you call. I do not expect to have to sit there til roughly 20 til 1P before I get ticked off and call you, to find out you are sitting around the corner doing jack squat. If I call you and it takes you less than two or three minutes to get to me, please tell me how that is not a complete slap in the face. It is rude and disrespectful and shows a distinct lack of empathy, compassion and the ability to follow through with the things you say you are going to do.

That is the ex for you, on a half-shell.

Which is why this past Sunday I nearly had a heart attack. We were dropping the kids off--and I had made a point of saying we had an appointment on purpose--because the ex could care less if I have to be at work at a certain time or not--he never has.

He was there at 12:30N.
Which was the time we told him we would be there. Actually we negotiated. We wanted to be there at noon, planning for his normal lateness and expecting him to show up around 12:30N anyway. He said 12:30N.

For the very first time in the past seven years that I have known him he was on time--he was there before we got there, and we were running a couple minutes late, two or three, due to weather and traffic--it was pouring down rain.

I could not believe my eyes. I was amazed. And awed.

Now, if he does it again, consistently, and keeps doing it for more than a week or two, then then I will be more than willing to say he is progressing, doing well, making an effort, all the nice things I would actually like to say now--but can't because I know his pattern is to change for a couple days, maybe a week or two, and then regress to whatever again.

But--he did do it once--and he deserves props just for that one single time.

He will get alot more if he can keep it up consistently.

It may scare him to hear this-but I am actually praying for the guy--if anyone needs it in this world, it's him.

I have to give him credit for doing it once. It's the only way to encourage him to keep doing it. To show how much it was appreciated.

So, thank you, for actually being there on time for the first time since I have met you.

That was really good of you.

To Wishcasters, Full Moon Dreamers and Everyone Else As Well

I meant to do this yesterday-I am still trying to catch up with myself. I seem to be making progress, but everything moves round in circle with me, so sometimes forward progress is not so forward as it seems, even though I keep forging ahead.

I know that in my life, things happen. Wish magic is an incredibly powerful tool.

To everyone who comes here to read all my mess, and who wishes with me, thank you.
I mean that in a HUGE way--THANK YOU.

Wish magic may work for me when I am all alone. But the magnitude and the speed and the force with which things have been moving and coming true since i joined up with Wishcasting Wednesday and Jamie Ridler's 'crew' -- it is all so amazing and stunning and -- fantastic.

I could not have done it without you--even if I get mean at times when I am clearing--but then again-I would prefer it come out rather than fester. I have festered for far too long.

I truly and honestly hope and pray and wish with all my heart your wishes and dreams are coming true as powerfully and as well and as fast as mine are.

Every single day I wish this for each of you.

I am grateful for your energies and loves and wishes along with me.

More than I can say.