Black on Yellow

More of the same, only on yellow drawing paper....

The Black And White

Just up close of the black and white trees....

Oodles of Doodles

I spent about an hour, playing with markers and pencils, trying to recreate the one image that for some reason means Home to me…that red tree in the picture there…I had scribbled it mindlessly a couple years ago in a notebook…probably doodling while on the phone or something…..here are the prototypes…some have gone on and become finished pieces that will be displayed…elsewhere…but here is my Dig Tree Progress….and part of my journey towards finding Home….

Kendall the Prairie Dog

My daughter loves her prairie bonnet...so much so she has to share it w the dog. Kendall is far less appreciative of the darn thing...

More Wedding Stuff

So, you know I am working (or have been working--it's on the night stand waiting for me right now...) on my own wedding shawl....test knitting a pattern I designed myself...and when I started it I was ASTOUNDED by how much re-writing needed to be done w it...but still.....

I sent my mother four blank kilt pins to play w for the wedding attire...since I spent literally days combing etsy for something just right and unable to find anything...and my mother nailed it all exactly w her pins...they arrived last week...I am more than happy...and not just because they are pretty or because my mother is so talented (she really truly is....), but I am thrilled that my mother made these for me...I don't have alot from my mom...and I know when we get married she won't be able to travel to the wedding....

I don't think any of my family will be able to come to the wedding...even if I want them to come...because they all live on the East Coast and we live in the Midwest.....it's rather depressing, because if I thought they would come, I'd be alot more open to inviting everyone and planning a larger fete for everyone to enjoy....

These are the pins...aren't they terrific?
They all go together...and yet each one is just a little different....
My mother is a wonder....

You Wanted To See The Dresses?

I don't know how well the colours show up on anyone else's screen...and I am sorry for how very lame the pic is...but I took it w both kids running around and that was the best I could do off the top of my head....and w a 60 pound squirrel on my hip (ds) to boot...

The one is ice blue--I bought it eons ago--it was supposed to be for my fifth wedding anniversary, which we never got to...if I remember correctly we were divorced before our fourth anniversary...but still living together and sleeping together at that time (I was pregnant w E then)....oddly enough...the dress was bought so that we could renew our vows on our fifth anniversary since we had originally eloped instead of having an actual wedding....

This time, I still don't want a huge to-do when I get married. I want something small and intimate and basically very family-only oriented....unless I can con the guy into a trip to Vegas.....although my daughter wants me to do the whole wedding thing...where there is a trip down the aisle and all the formal garbage...the ring bearer, the flower girl, the maids of honor...ye gods and little fishes...I'll do it, but on a small scale...small....E would be happy if we had 100, maybe even 1000 people there....me, I want maybe ten, tops, including the groom, me and the two kids, plus a minister/justice of the peace....so you know I am not aiming nearly so large as E...although she can have whatever she wants fairly much at the reception, which can have 100 people, or a 1000 people, or whatever she and R desire, cause once the vows are exchanged in a delicate and tasteful manner....let the Irish in me out, baby, cause I am here to play....

This ice blue dress is a very simple shift, mostly straight down, nearly floor length if I remember correctly. I will definitely need a shawl or something, especially if I wear my hair up....I love my tattoos and I stand by them, but I don't want that to be the only things you see in the wedding photos...sorry....

The turquoise one is one I picked up at random on etsy months ago....it's hand-made--and it does not require a petticoat under it to make it pouff out either. It is very cool and fits like a dream. And it covers up alot more tattoos than the other one...and undergarments are much more forgiving under this one than the other. The ice blue will outline every little detail.... the turquoise is ...it's heavenly....and it is very sturdy and well-made and I don't want to say heavy exactly...but it is not feather light either.

I like them both. And since they were both bought for the same reason, wedding dress, but under vastly different circumstances and for very different men (the ex-husband and then what I call the shadow-dream man who no longer exists) I may go with either one or neither ...and now I am looking at spending my life w my very best friend...and these dresses are terrific...but who knows...I may get an entirely different dress when R and I get married one of these days.....we'll have to see...

Ok...so I am still afraid of that level of commitment..but the man is wearing on me and growing on me...and he has always been the one man I could see in my life until the end of my days...I just never imagined we'd be together as a couple when I knew this before...now that whole married with children forever and ever...it's here and it's not going away....better than that--I don't want it to go away.....so there ya are on that....

Bubble Boy and Dream Girl

Catching Up With The Texty Ladies

If I were to follow my heart…where would I go?
If I were to step inside my mind, take the spiral stairs down, deep deep way down into the dungeon that is my heart, what would I find there?
I know all too well the oceans and rivers of tears I have cried, and the tears I have kept inside…the ones that ever burn and collide, breaking through raw scabs and never allowing the healing to get by….
I know the dangerous jagged edges to the rocks that have formed, scaling far into the sky of my soul, peeling down into the earthen roots of my spirit.
I have long watched as one wound appears, volcanic mush and ash shoot forth, spewing ragged ichor everywhere, pushing out any new growth, burning it to the ground, forcing me back to ground zero, compelling me to seek other surer footing on my journey.
I have flown through those stormy skies, weeping in wonder at the pain and the sheer lucidity of so many unheard dreams languishing powerlessly from within the corral, behind the stone walls, far back behind the moat, these things I built in order to protect myself from the cruelest of cruel, those who claim to care, to love me, to hold my best interests in their hearts….
I can turn my face away for as long as I can stop my ears from absorbing the noise. I can burrow my head in the sand, pretend no one of it exists, laugh and play and pretend to trust and to believe…but it never really touches the dead zone in me, where the things that should have been still hang from trees with insects sucking juices from their eyes, murdered in the name of love, slaughtered in the name of good intentions…there is no way to avoid the echo of my screams, of my please, as I seek to free me from this quagmire past, as I yearn to break out, fill the moat, scale the walls, fly and fly and fly some more…..
How do you let go of a lifetime of misery when it is the only thing you know?


Prompt Found With the TextyLadies here

Restoring The Dig Tree

I find myself standing amid the debris and destruction that was my dig tree. I am not disenchanted or downtrodden or sad. I find that I am feeling strong, happy, hopeful. I search through the shards and shrapnel of exploded wood with care. I do not know for certain what it is for which I search, but I am sure I will know it when I see it. I stand there astounded by how far out the blast area reaches. Even though the lightning strike had caused a huge contusion, it hadn’t occurred to me that some much could have been thrown so far. And yet, it obviously had been. I walk slowly, circling, from left to right, in ever-widening circles, then ever-shrinking circles, over and over again, losing all sense of time and space, going in and going out, as my brain ceases to ponder the whys and wherefores of what happened last time I stood with this tree. I merely observe and attest to the reality of nothinglessness.
The remainder of the trunk remains attached to the roots seems to be stuck canted half in and half out of the dirt. I see shriveled blackened roots. So much of the wood appears to have died long ago, densely choked with noxious black goo, as well as plenty having withered away to tendrils of ash and dust. However, there is also a lot of healthy growth showing, where there were good times, places where healing continued as best it could under the circumstances. Even amidst this chaos of death, I can see the tiny fragments of life beading up, demanding their own fighting chance to survive. I cannot and will not take that from any of them.
I start to think I have spent enough time here, commiserating with the left-overs of the tree. Apparently, whatever it is I came to find is no longer here. Or maybe it was the memory alone that I was to gather and hold tight as my own. I walk away, back towards where I had come from, when I see it, about twelve feet away from the main core of the trunk. A tiny seedling, gasping with hope and vitality. My tree does not grow from seed, but from seedling, from an outgrowth from the roots that sends up new shoots at random periodic intervals. Here I am. Here is the spark I have been looking for, waiting for, needing to gather up with gracious arms and loving tears, to transplant to another , much safer ground.
With the utmost care and lightest of touches, I clear away the ground, digging around to ensure the safety of the root ball. The ball of craggly earth that I prise up is nearly three times larger than the sapling itself, but I don’t care. All I know is I must protect this baby. I carry it in my arms until I return to my abode, not quite a home, now less than a house since my heart has left it. I fill a deep wide pot full of the richest soil and plant my tiny tree in the pot, covering it with more fresh dirt and mulch. I will give it three days to adjust to the changes before I water it, in order to protect the roots that much more, according to the way I was taught by an ancient gardener long ago.
I offer it prayers, send energizing love and sweetest healing powers deep into its roots and its core. I set crystals around its edges to catch the sun and add that much more healing power and energy to the soil. I pray over it, weaving ribbons of light around the pot, the trunk and the tiny little leaves that bravely spurn the arena of death we so recently departed. I know that once I find my Home, I shall dig a wide deep hole and burrow the roots of this tree into the earth there, where I shall nurture and attend to this tree constantly, with all my love and ability. Where this tree grows shall be my everlasting Home. Now, in order to protect both this tree and my family, I must look even harder for that home that is meant for us.











prompt found at The Dig Tree

Manic Monday Back On

Manic Monday 179

What is the first thing you notice about people?

their posture

What song always makes you happy when you hear it?

right now? that's not my name by the ting tings

What fashion trend do you just not get?

pants pulled down uhm--below the butt line.....

Do Morning Pages Count

if you do them on your blog?

I go through fits and starts with writing my morning pages. Ever since June (miscarriage), I haven't been much able to write much more than the date and the title (morning pages) and maybe a sentence or two.
I have been trying to do more, but nothing has been coming yet lately. Which is ok w me for the time being.

I woke up this morning. Ok, so I was awake-ish and the dog had to go out. She got vaccinations yesterday, so I was pretty ok about getting up at an ungodly hour to let her out, just in case she really had to go...if you know what I mean...plus, I wanted to make sure I emailed R first thing before he left for work this morning as it is his first day at his new job...

I didn't really go back to sleep. R called on his way to work to pick on me. Then, of course, work started at 8a and I always have a call first thing on Monday. Most days I have a call waiting by 8a.

When I did get out of bed, I knew today was going to be a terrific day. it is also going to be a list-making day. I love to make lists. I am good w completing a list, reorganizing a list, dropping unnecessary things off the list, adding more things to the list....

First thing, today is trash day. There is still stuff in the carport that needs to go. I took some of that out to the curb today. Also, looked at a couple things and decided I wasn't going to bother moving them.

That shed we never built--I am not keeping it--so I am going to list it on craigslist. That's on the list.

Pulled the big not my art work art work off the walls this morning--haven't thrown them out yet--it's Van Gogh and it hurts me to toss them out, even though they are only framed posters....I am waiting to see if anyone misses them before they go away. Plus, taking them down opens up and reveals empty places on the walls. I am not all together comfortable w seeing the empty spaces at the moment. Makes me feel disconnected, disjointed, not really steady or ... safe somehow....

Now--here's your warning for today:
I am putting this list together here so I cannot deny it--I cannot lose it--and if I post it here I will stick to it and not back out....

No coffee this morning. If I have coffee first thing, the milk and sugar hit my system and I won't be hungry for hours--which is not good, because my stomach has been on the way towards anorexic again lately (it happens, especially under stress...). Yesterday, with the kids and the boyfriend, I ate more than I had all week. So that was a good thing. I talked the bf into taking us to dinner, since we took the kids out for lunch, and my original intent was just to have chips and salsa (Mexican place) and a margarita--but when we got there I was actually hungry. So that helped, on many levels. Although one margarita and I was ready to go home and go to bed to sleep...all that I'm so tired just hit me before we even left the restaurant...

I am working through two Eric Maisel books at one time....very slowly....
"A Writers Space' and 'The Creativity Book'.
The exercise I am on currently w 'A Writers Space' I am applying to far more than just my writing space--I am applying it, in bits and pieces, to the entire house. Sorting through bit by bit and finding out what works and what doesn't. And w the rest of the house, that is also moving into the realm of what do I want to take into the new house and what do I want to leave behind here....

Now, my rule on the house (any house) is it has to bedrooms for everyone. So, we automatically need three bedrooms. And as much as it may scare the bf, I am still planning for more small fries at some point in the future....and right now I want my own space/room for my work--not just for the writing...but for art and sewing and gods know what else will come to mind--I'd like to be able to actually get to more of my yarn stash and fabric stash at once time....so four bedrooms would be nice....but three bedrooms is fine.
A basement is mandatory. I let go of that w this house due to the storage room...I am over that now...I need the space of the basement ....
I want a nice kitchen--it doesn't have to be perfect or five star chef quality...but I want a decent kitchen. For the kitchen here, I gave up alot alot alot...but in so doing, when we move, I did manage to accrue a great deal of storage space and cabinetry that will move easily to the next place....I am not willing to give up that much for a kitchen again....
I have been fine here, making due with things as they are...but this time...we are moving on up and we are dreaming bigger.
Washer and dryer go in the basement....
Which reminds me. Before we do move, I need to get in contact w L, the very sweet lady we bought the washer and dryer from, to see if she wants to take the washer back. There's not much wrong w it (the button to engage the spin cycle needs adjusting or it doesn't get pressed down when you lower the lid)--I just want to get my front loading washer and moving is a good excuse....although I will have to wait on that a bit too, since I may not be able to get the front loaded washer at first....we'll have to see. But when it comes to it, we will contact L and see if she wants it back....

Another thing is my smaller deity focused artwork may not be so prevalent on the walls of my future house. We'll have to see. We are still having pictures of the kids up; we are still having pictures of family up; but there are alot of other things that can be set aside for awhile. My Marilyn Monroe figures I have in my bedroom have been bugging me for awhile now...I just haven't gotten around to taking them down....
One thing that it bothered me when we moved in here that I wanted to do and we didn't was paint. We do things right in the next house, which we didn't have the space to do it this time, is to take everything room by room and paint before we set everything up--and if we have a basement--that would make everything absolutely easier.
I still want my red wall in the living room/family room. And my own bedroom is about to become a shade of red as well. Although I am still nixing E's black room...although we can do a little bit of black accenting for her. N wants a purple room...but here too I am nixing things, because purple alone will cause mental instability (scientifically proven fact, look it up) so I was thinking more of a purple wall and a green wall. Or rather 2 different shades of purple and two different shades of green.
Ah, now see, we walk into the paint discussion and I can stay here awhile.
Burnt cream into yellow for the living room. Ocean blues and greens for the bathroom--and we will at some point do the mermaid bathtub thing too....w the tub here I knew when we moved in we'd have to do something in the bathroom to fix something--so I never pushed anything about re-decorating. We were planning to uncover that window behind the plastic shower wall...but now we aren't going to bother. Like the backdoor we were going to replace. We aren't going to bother.
The kitchen I want done in darker blues and yellows and whites. lol So much opportunity to be had.....

I am not afraid this time. Last time, when we were moving in here, I was so worried, about every little thing. I am not worried with this move. I know where to get boxes. I am not afraid of hiring someone to load or to drive or to unload the truck once we get the place. I know we are not going to have any issue getting a place, once we decide for sure which route we are going to pursue. I am not that hard to please and I trust my instincts. Add into the logical disposition of the bf--and we are all covered and safe. I am not going to obsess over every tiny little detail or crack in the pavement or anything else. (Sorry--this was a jibe towards someone no longer around...oh, the stories I could tell you there....)

What is actually more scary is the more I am focusing on the yes, this is the way we are going, the more clear everything is becoming, the sooner I feel everything is going to start happening, the better things are getting, the better things are feeling and the dog-gone happier I am feeling.

So, boom, there is it. :-)

Well, I have been wanting to take all my books, or at least most of them, off the shelves and re-order everything. When we moved in here, I was just so happy about having the books with me again and shelves to put them on that I didn't really do much towards keeping different subjects all in the same space...so here I am looking for my mythological studies books and can't find them--looking for various reading books for E and can't find them....lots and lots going on....I have more than what I need, normally...it's just a matter of finding the things I want at this point....

I kept all the mirrors...I sometimes forget about that. What I worry about is moving the altars and the statues--this is something I will do by hand, myself. I always seem to forget that the mirrors are part of altars too....my brain moves from topic to topic to topic and there is no real rhyme or rhythm today...just hey look at this and make a note of it....here here this too..hey don't forget....that sort of thing....

Do you know, I really think it does not have to be either car or house. I really think we are going to find a way to swing both, one way or another... I have no clue how...but I know we will do it....

I am supposed to dream bigger, right? So, here I am. Dreaming BIGGER!

I also have to organize the schoolwork for E and for me. I have located the most recent MO homeschool laws so I am up to date on them. There is nothing there I shouldn't already be doing, so I am good there. I just need to have a more formal documentation in case it is ever needed at any time. I am wondering if, since I just ordered the homeschool IDs before we decided about the house and moving, if I should order a set of IDs for MO....honestly, I think the IL ones should cover things. We'll be in St Louis...it is not a far stretch to say we are here at the science center from IL or anything....

Among other things..so many other things to get in line and work out and work up....I still have RVS sitting here waiting to be put into the process.....

All these goals in my head. The kilt pins from my mother arrived this morning--and, oh my gosh, does she do some beautiful work. I haven't touched my shawl since June, although I look at it every night and often throughout the day....that is something that needs to be completed for a variety of reasons....I finally think I am beginning to understand why I asked her to make up four of them instead of just two. They are gorgeous (pictures are forthcoming...) I guess I need to quit 'stalling' here....and actually get to work for the day...even though despite all the typing and whatnot, I have managed to accomplish quite a bit ....

Now, for bits and pieces I have been meaning to post and haven't....at least a few I can remember now....

I am all geared up and ready to go with Jamie Ridler and crew for The Next Chapter: The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. My copy arrived some time last week, and I've been meaning to post about it ever since.
There is still plenty of time to sign up...the journey does not begin until September 18, 2009.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but the Hestia's Hearth group has taken on a great deal of meaning for me right now.
I am planning to write my way through leaving an abode and creating a Home.
Not to mention, as I work my way through books like: "Women Who Run With the Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, 'Goddesses in Everywoman' and 'Goddesses in Older Women' both by Jean Shinoda Bolen, 'In The Dark Places of Wisdom' by Peter Kingsley...among many others...I am expanding and reaching out so much more than I was before. 'Living Your Unlived Life' by Robert Johnson had an extremely profound impact on me. Impact I am still working with and working through right now. There is so much going on, When I finished 'LYUL', other than thinking I needed to work and re-work some of the exercises in the book, my next thought was--terrific--I get it--I can apply it--I can work with it--where do I go next? What's the next book? what's the next journey?
And hello, ask and you shall receive...here we are sitting at Hestia's hearth and a whole new retinue of reference books to read and absorb....and I am planning to do my best....

I do not give up easily. I am used to working within and creating my own parameters in order to accomplish and to do things. That with which I am faced at the moment is nothing more than this. A pathway that I am exploring--and I have no qualms about the fact that I will come up triumphant on the other side.

Today I turned off all the a/c units--they had been set to draw the air in from outside for a few days now...I am afraid to take the smaller ones out of the windows lest a sudden heat wave attack us and I have to beg R to come over and re-do things I should have left alone...this morning I opened all the windows that I could to let in the fresh cool breeze (and the pollen from autumn pollinating trees, to which I am allergic ;-) but HEY! I can deal--that's what a neti pot is for! :-) )
E is doing her school work without too much nagging. We have a deal about the clothing in her room at the moment. Things are going very well here. It's finally good to be the Queen again here. :-)

I am looking forward to a great many things now.

Now, I have to get around to setting up the curriculum schedule, for E and for myself. The netbook is really cool for keeping track of this stuff. :-)

More to come...
Ciao....

Cusping....

Well, I've been having alot to say these past couple days...and have been busy doing other things....so today before the bf comes over in order for us to take the boy back to his dad's, I decided to spend a little time trying to stick in all the little tidbits and updates I've been meaning to put here....

For some reason, the first thing I did was go visit Ces--or rather her blog. Sarah 'introduced' me to Ces, via one of Sarah's posts.
I don't think I have ever 'spoken' to Ces--mostly because I am intimidated. I do visit her blog as often as I can, because her work, her drawing, her painting, her writing/blogging, is ....like food for the soul. Then again, I usually go to her blog when I am feeling depressed and untalented--because I find her work so mind-boggling perfect and incredible--I hope to some day be able to do to trees what she does with simple pen and ink--she among many....

Makes me want to cry--I drew yesterday..I've been picking up the pencil a little bit more lately...but I am still not really getting as back into as I was before the whole "June issue" --but I am getting there. I stopped writing for years and years due to being utterly miserable--and then it was working for SBC and finding a new sort of misery and subjugation there that causes me to start writing again...so go figure...at least now I can say that it is joy and happiness that keep finding me and inspiring me....


This is just a random doodle...it had originally started out as a mandala...then became Mickey Mouse...then moved on again. I didn't notice until the day after I scrawled her out...but she has a tear running down one cheek, as if the pencil slipped and I never knew it...because I had no clue...

Now, here's the way I was planning to start this post today:

How do you know for sure I mean to move into a new house?
I told the ex, my son's dad. As bizarre as it seems, he is usually the first person I tell things to, or at least in the top two because some things I run past either my mother or father first....but normally T is the very first person to know the big stuff going on w me....
We can say it is all because of N--and truthfully that is most of it--the other part is I keep trying to lead by example w him--if I speak up and show him how communication is supposed to work, maybe he'll catch a clue. Hasn't worked to date (going on seven years now...) but hey--ya never know.
T was one of the first people I threw out the whole we're moving....because we'll be moving to the MO side of the river and I wanted to make sure he'd gotten over himself. I still don't trust him--but I do have faith in his willingness to be a lazy slug as long as no one pokes him w a stick or dump salt on him--which I have no intention of doing. I do not like the man--and I disapprove of way too many things...but I get to see my son and occasionally get information about my son--sometimes even pictures too...
I did not tell T once--I think I told him at least twice in email and I made a point to tell him in person too.

So, if there were any doubts about the fact I am moving up--let that doubt fall away.

We are dreaming bigger.

Not to mention, if the bf can swing the financials, we are aiming REALLY big--but that will mean a great deal of work on my side (mental, emotional, spiritual...) because I am still in limbo about living w anyone at all...much less him. Funny thing is, he and I have lived together before--merely as room-mates. As lovers, and as parents, it's a whole new ball-game--and one i want in one hand and am desperately afraid of in the other...as alike as we are, we are in many instances direct opposites...ahhh...I could go on and on there...and I know above all other things the second he says this is what we're doing and this is what you're doing I'll do it after kicking up a storm and him just basically talking me into anyway. The verbiage I would use here, he'd just force me into it, is just too brutal, because force is not anything that goes on in our relationship--it's more he pushes me through my fears whether I want to go or not to show me what I want on the other side of my fears anyway--because he can see through me and through my fears...

My friend Kerry and I have been talking about being on the cusp of things--and just how frustrating that can be.
It feels like everything is being turned upside down--and I keep getting hit with what other people term as 'negative' stuff--and I keep seeing it as positive--because if nothing else it is the Universe saying this is wrong for you--you need to do this...which in my mind is a GOOD thing...except when I get stuck in those darker moments and I am thinking am I forcing the positive spin on things because that is what I do -- am I forcing reality to be what I want it to be--or am I seeing things clearly enough to be able to say yes, definitely time to move on and be happy about things, rather than focusing on the not good and getting mired in it....I far prefer to move on and be happy than to dwell in the muck. I've had enough muck in my life. I have spent this past year clearing out more and more muck. I have spent this last year working on me and opening up different doors that I had shut long ago.

As I have been pondering here, it's time to walk fully through those doors, rather than just cracking them open to let a little tiny bit of light through. I am getting there. One step at a time.

Ahh--today we are taking the kids out to play...then the dog to the vet to get her shots (woo hoo for seven day a week vet clinics--maybe I can ask them about putting Cricket up for sale as well....I don't think I want to continue as a bird person once we move...but both R and I are fairly neutral where Crick is concerned--I jsut think the bird needs someone who knows more about birds and can take mo' better care of her...who can work w her and train her and whatever....)

I'm off for now--and oh yes--pictures of the two dresses I have here for wedding dresses are coming.....please stand by. :-)

The Blue Dress

Hannah's Tutus are amazing.

This is the dress E chose to be the dress she wears to my wedding....if ever I give up and let go and decide to actually agree to do such a thing. Bf notwithstanding. :-)

E was given about five choices of dresses, and this is the one she liked best.

Her dress--cost about twice as much as both my dresses that I have did combined.........how is that fair again?
Of course, for the one dress, I ought to buy a crinoline for under it....but it is not required--and since we are in no way there yet, I don't have to contemplate any such thing at the moment.....
Gods help R when I do though!

Pictures From Tuesday

We went canoeing.




We went spelunking.




E got her second front tooth in--it finally burst through the surface of her gum.....

We had a great deal of fun...and no visible sunburn either.....

Returning to The Dig Tree

You would think, as whiney as I was last time I stood before this tree, with my pick in my hand, deciding I was too tired and too whatever to actually just dig in, that I would have gotten over myself and my little childish whims before I came back again. Ah, but that simply is not so, because here I am, glaring at this crummy twisted tree, yet again, scowling and angry and more than a little irritated with everything, blaming the tree for my own vapid indecision. Fine. Here I am. I shall be here now and plain old get over myself.
I did not really come prepared this time. I have no shovel. I have no pick. I have my hands, with no gloves to clothe and shelter them from the rocky ground that surrounds and protects this old dig tree. At least this time, I can say with the utmost certainty, I know why I am here; I know what I am looking for….I have achieved all my major dreams…only to find out…I need to dream bigger…but…what do I have left to dream about, when all is said and done? Do I even know how? Are the dreams already there, as I suspect, locked inside of me, locked down and afraid to come out, lest they actually be seen and brought to fruition? If I dig deep enough, will I be able to find them? Unearth them? Bring them to the surface? Shine the light of day upon them and breathe true life into them? Will I be able to find Me in there?
Lucky me, I am so focused on dirt and rock and the need to claw my way down below, to strip forth the roots of this tree, to expose the me I know is in there somewhere that I cannot yet find, I fail to look up, fail to notice the sky growing solemn and menacing at the same time. I fail to notice black and green roiling clouds. I do not hear, do not feel, the rumbling growl of approaching thunder. I do not feel the shift in the air, the ozone sizzle that stings my eyes and makes me sniffle. I do hear the whip crack trill of the lightning striking; I am thrown back by the blast as it strikes the heartwood of my tree, not merely breaking it open, but exploding the inner recesses outward, revealing dark swirls amidst the pale yellowed core of the tree.
I can no longer deny it; the tree is me, in effigy. Here I stand, sundered by the will of the Universe, spread out, spread open, splattered into so much shrapnel and splintered slivers. Here are all my dark shadows, all the scar tissue, all the broken pieces that when assembled transmit me to the masses. Here I am, struck dumb and silent, smoke burning my throat, tearing my eyes, peeling away the somber matter that hangs over me like veils from a past I no longer sustain.
I pick myself up, dust away the ash and dust and little bits of nefarious ephemera that persist in clinging to me. I might as well get this over with now. As clear as this celestial push is, as pure as the motives here are, I cannot deny that this is the best and most perfect time to delve in with both hands, mindless of scrapes and bruises, to rip away the unnecessary bondage I have spent so many years wrapping around myself. To pry loose that which I need most to bring about my own clarity and release my vision, loose my spirit upon my own stead.
I step into the debris, mindless of the poking and prodding, the sharp gouges, the biting fingers, trying to hold me back, pressing to tie me back down. I start to grab whatever I can find and fling it away. I am not even stopping to see what I pick up and throw over my shoulder.
There is the house. I wasn’t too picky when I bought the first one. All I wanted was three bedrooms and to be close to my son and his father’s house.
There is the tie to my son. Wanting to be physically closer. Emotionally closer again. There is a lot of fine detail that must be worked on there.
There swings my job, working for myself, but without the much finer detail. All that much needed detail, to expand and expound upon all things there.
There goes my writing. Not enough clarity there either. Too little sketched out to be useful. Barely enough to keep things flowing along.
So much for my drawing and painting; somehow it was set alongside the road and abandoned when a frailer time hit. I need to flesh out those bones so much more.
There stands that good man, tall and slender, with the glint in his eye from staring into the sun, just as I requested. You know, there is not so much I’d change about him. I do need to change the way I deal with him, so unused to being happy or content am I.
Where is the car? The one I can’t even drive due to fear and insecurity all over again? Put that one on the list of things to do. Must find said car. Get into it. Ride that pony one more time. Until I am ok doing it once more.
Here is the income to support the family, the children, to get them into different programs and much more. Here is the safety net I have needed. Nevertheless, there is so much more. So much more out there to be sought, if only I can pry deeper down and chuck things out and keep them straight. If I can set my path, I can find a way to navigate. If I can just figure out where I want to go, the how I want to get there will fall into place.
I come down to the very core, the exact center, of all that I am, all that was this tree. I stand up, stretching out my stiff back, surveying the damage I have caused in my inquiries and harried reachings and gropings.
I can see there shining like a star above all, the Rescue Ranch, that has for so long meant the world to me. Even as I see the promise that I made to that wonderful man, that I would not separate him from his family, would never come between him and them. I stand by that. I am not one who would force such an inhumane choice upon anyone. I see that there must be changes made in the application of achieving this goal, but as yet, I am not certain which way to go, or how to go about doing it. Although I am certain I am not giving either the Ranch or the man up for anything.
There is working for myself, and so many details to pick up and poke around and set into an order that makes some sort of sense for me. There is the phone work, which is going so tremendously well I almost cannot believe it. Though I know that I want more. I want to step out more into the Healer role. I want to step more into the Teacher role, outside of home-schooling of my daughter, and of myself. I also know that my writing needs to take more precedence. I know my artwork needs to take more precedence. There are dolls dancing in my dreams, talking to me about the way my hands move across the substrate of their flesh and bring forth the living beauty of them. There is poetry to write and to recite. There are fibers to be woven and knitted together. There are teatimes to be taken, one sip at a time. So many things, each in its own time, must be separated from the herd, taken down to brass tacks, evaluated, determined, investigated and set out into the world on two steady feet to take growth and boom forward. To blossom and create and procreate.
There is my family. The children of my hearth currently among us. The children of my hearth that will be joining us soon enough. From old sources, as well as from new sources. There is a great deal of detail needed to clarify things with family, from handling former fathers, to incorporating current households, to moving on and expanding things in all directions. Here lives too much fear and shyness and inability to reach for what I want and for what I hope and desire for fear of all that I want being taken away by cold uncaring hands. This place requires patience and compromise by one and all.
Speaking of households, there comes the need of a new house. A new dwelling, with new specifications, new ways of filling things, new ways of letting go of things, new ways of interpreting the way things come together and what it all means to me, and to us as a family, to everyone involved.
There is the business of education, of my own, that of my children, and we as a family together at large. There are rules and expectations and evaluations and so much more. Details. Details. The devil is in the details and we need to make that devil earn his meals here if he is to remain and to prosper along with us, as we plan to do.
There is training the dog. Deciding what to do about the bird. Figuring out who I am and who I want to be. Dealing with all the detritus from my past. As well as that from the boyfriend’s past as well. So many places to touch, so many scars to break open and scrape away the old and the dead. So much new wood now bursting to shove out shoots and to begin new growth. I simply need to go in, decide what I want to grow and in which direction it should go, and set things into the ground so that I may nurture and encourage them. Feed them well. Water them plentifully without over-watering. Prune them back as situations adjust and grow.
At least now, I can take that step back, free from my ire and my angst, and look more clearly upon these little seedlings straggling before me. Now, I can release all of this garbage I have been carrying around on my back and continue the process I have only started here with this clearing away of so much deadwood. First a shower, and a meal, and then I shall come back, take each little wisp of new life, and delve into its mysteries and where we want it all to go this time.
This time I will seek out the heavens and beyond before I entertain any sort of limit to my goals and desires. I shall fly on gryffin wings and soar, breathing dragon’s flame and dragon’s desire all over everything, purifying my way, burning away my fears. I do not expect an easy path. I do not expect instant perfection. I do however believe I shall achieve and over-achieve all my goals. I shall surpass all my very own dreams.
Surely, above all else, I shall prove once again that I am blessed and ever shall be.






based on a prompt from:
The Dig Tree

So, The Bomb Has Gone Off

At least the one in my brain.

I am not 'blaming' all of this on Jamie either.
Now, her questions might be the fulcrum that gets me moving some days...I will not deny that...and she sure has that knack for asking the questions that I ask myself and that I need to answer--questions that without her prompting I might leave eddying around in my brain....

So, maybe, maybe, I will just tease her and say, well, she started it! But please know, I mean this in jest, and am not blaming anything on her for real.

Jamie is truly a great Enchantress; she knows just where to lead people to spark ideas and thoughts and visions. She is genuinely magical. I am privileged to be included in her endeavors.

Now, I am not promising short today.
I have about a trillion things bombarding my brain lately.
And yes, these things have been coming, and I've known it. I was thinking I had more time with things and apparently I don't. Which if you've ever read this blog, you know, that's how things work for me. I get BOOM BOOM BOOM and everything falls into place.
I keep getting the same feeling....before the truck accident happened last November. Only this time, I am watching and seeing the signs, loud and clear.

It sounds horrible to say, but, when I bought this house, I never expected to be here more than 3-5 years. When we were in the process of moving into the house, when E and I came the first time from WV all by ourselves, where everything worked out well and we made it here fine and everything, she asked me how long we would be living here...my automatic intuitive answer was 3-5 years.
I had a reading a few months after moving in and the reader said I'd be here about a year. We're coming up on a year now. I didn't believe her at the time, not really. I scoffed. What was going to make me choose to give up my own freedom and leave? Other than a man and another house...and a man willing to pay to move all this stuff since I still to this day refuse to contemplate packing and loading and killing myself the way I did last time....much less the whole I am not touching a moving truck ever again in my life....
When we moved into this house, there were options available to us. There was still a certain man that could have come through to us, could have been 'the one' who swept me off my feet, married me, got us all settled and shot for the rescue ranch and everything else...and R was supposed to come later...after my marriage to the first guy and his marriage to a new girl all on his own (and for one certain person's sake-no, he was meant to find someone after you because of the way you acted for the past couple years--years--not months, not weeks, but yes, years....).
That was the way it was read for us when we moved her. That was the way it was read for him. In fact, the fact that he and I were going to get together--and have at least one kid together--after going our separate ways in other marriages first--really surprised me.
From the moment I met this man, I knew he was going to be in my life for the rest of my life in one way or another. I had always assumed we would just be friends. I never ever thought there's be a romantic connection. I never actually thought I was good enough for him. I also never really thought he thought about me that way. Despite all our joking and teasing to the contrary.

I made different choices. I allowed -- no-- I purposely closed the door on one man and opened it far more fully to the other. I am more than happy w R. I may not understand why things are so bizarrely crystalline and why things that have never bothered me before in any other relationship suddenly take on a whole new life of their own when in relation to him. But then again, I have never been in such a raw and honest relationship before either--so I can see the logic behind the cacophony of emotion that arises. Not to mention, I have had very little actual safety in my life--when I am with him, near him, in his arms, I am Safe, capital S. He says I do the same for him--and I really hope that I do.

Just as the Universe keeps pushing me in one direction these past weeks, so has the Universe made sure, especially today, from a variety of sources, to let me know that I am loved and fully supported.

I keep getting the reminders I need from the people I will instinctively listen to...as well as others...everyone around me...cheering me on. And, yes, alot of this I can blame on Jamie, as without Wishcasting Wednesdays I don't really know where I would be. :-)

I need to get my head clear. :-) After what I wrote for wishcasting yesterday, the one thing that keeps barreling through my head is -- you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger.....

As I told one friend today, I know the dreams are inside me. I just have to find them and drag them out.

So, this is where I am heading today...to locate my dreams, probably hiding and cowering in the darkest recesses of my heart and brain, afraid to see the light of day, lest they actually draw breath and become real....failure is really so much easier than success...but failure no longer lives here...only good things this way come...I have spent too many years wallowing in the guilt and pain from and of others...I must shake off their shackles, the ones I took upon myself and claimed as my own....here's to freedom...and to clarity....

I'll let you know what comes of things...as I reach them myself.....

Having To Take More Than A Step Back Today

Jamie quite frequently comes up with questions that make me pause and step away from my computer for awhile to ponder things.

That I am used to. I am also used to her asking questions that I myself have been pondering for days or sometimes even weeks before she asks the question.

Today's wishcasting Wednesday brings us to a topic that I have been pondering for years and years ..... and years.... and every time I touch upon this subject, I have to wonder about things. About myself. About my life. Nowadays, about my children.

About who I am now. I about who I plan to be in the future. About how much I am willing to shift and compromise for the man I love. And how much shifting I will allow with this relationship, without compromising myself or my integrity.

Today, the undauntable Jamie Ridler today asks of we Wishcasters of Wednesdays:

Who is the “you” you wish to be?

I looked at her post when I first got out of bed this morning.
I looked at it before we left the house to run to the post office to pick up a flower girl dress for my daughter...
I thought about it all day.
I looked at it again when we got home, just to reacquaint myself with the question, lest I somehow have forgotten it in the meanwhile.
I kept thinking....


I am not happy in my life right now.
Isn't it funny how we spend so much time wishing for things, and when they come we find out we weren't wishing BIG enough?
I find myself in that situation right now.
I need to wish BIGGER.
Alot bigger, apparently.

I wished to work for myself--and am doing a very fine job of it. I should have wished for more, because what I have is not enough. The money is more than good; the direction is fine. Please do not get me wrong--I am so grateful as it is. But there is a whole other side to my life that I left in the shadows and the dust that longs to come out and be heard.

I wished to be closer to my son, both in location and in a spiritual/mental aspect. Wished to own my own home. Wished to have a good man in my life.

I have all those things. And I wish now for more.

More time w my son. More closeness with him.

A bigger house, in a different location--w far fewer neighbors and a much bigger taller fence, if possible.

That good man--he's still good--and I wouldn't change a thing about him. I do wish I could understand why things are so much more--complex with him than with any other relationship I have ever had. I wish I could put my finger on what it is I need to actually feel completely secure in things here.

And that I know stems from the fact that I must trust my self and trust in myself more.

I am leading up to something, really, and I do not mean to take up too much time. I have spent the past couple weeks pondering this thing about who I am and who I want to be.

I finished reading "Living Your Unlived Life" by Robert A Johnson the other day. I am going to go back and repeat a few of the exercises--but basically the whole premise of the book is --this very question.

In the process of buying all the books for E for her 'coming' school year, I bought myself school books as well. I listen to my subconscious ALOT. And I trust my instincts. I bought a book on technical writing, and I for the life of me still cannot tell you why.

My schedule has been off for a couple weeks now. Ever since June. Ever since things happened. I haven't found my stride again yet. I am getting there. And R is really doing everything in his power to help me, the poor guy.

I could take the easy route and tell you I want to be the person he thinks I am already, but that is far too facile for me. Plus, I want more.

This wish has to take into account who I am right this minute. As well as the person I am wishing to become, right at this minute. All of which is subject to change a second from now, a nanosecond from now, much less a day, a week or whatever.

I wish to be the person I see myself as in my head.

I am not Wonder Woman. I am not Super Mom. I am not Lolita with the siren red lipstick. I am not Sylvia Plath (mostly because I could not get up at that hour to write and then keep my house that clean on top of everything) nor Emily Dickinson (no matter how much I envy her her ability to never have to leave her home if she chose not to). I am not Marie-Antoinette nor Mary Queen of Scots nor Queen Elizabeth.

All these things I am not...and uhm yes, I have been compared to every example I put out there, and not always in a positive manner at all. Believe it or not. Then again, I am still the only person I honestly know of who has been accused of doing too much to take care of her children and not enough to take care of her own personal (as in need to get out and go party and have a life without the kids) needs....but still....

I wish to continue to be the person I am--the one who lives by my ethics and my rules and my morals. I wish to be the person who absolutely and without hesitation trusts her self and her intuition.
I wish to be strong and reliable and darn near invincible when it comes to taking care of my responsibilities. I wish to forget ever second guessing myself ever again.
I wish to lay down all these things that worry me. I wish to be confident and clear and focused at all times.
I wish to remember at all times how very powerful I am.
I wish to be confident and self-assured and reassured.

And I wish like nobodies business I would get up in the morning and start writing, instead of fighting through things in my brain and staying up too late and not getting any work done in the mornings...and then guilt-tripping all over myself for not doing what I know I should have done in the first place.....

Ok, so I do wish to be more of the person my bf thinks I am--and more of the person my dd and ds think I am--and more of the person I keep pushing myself to be, even though I always seem to fall short of my own desires, even though I know I am capable.....

I wish I could find the peace within my soul to be the person I know I am--to believe that I am the person I am and that person is the person I want to be.....

That's my wish.
So mote it be.

Fine-I Am Stalling

I have a ton of laundry waiting to be folded--and I really need to strip my bed...and it is almost 11 at night.
Am I afraid? Not in the least. :-) Which is why I am sitting here at the keyboard with fingers flying rather than toiling away over the dread laundry.

This weekend was interesting.
After scaring the heck out of me w N and his first day of "official" public school awhile back, the ex this Friday past tells me how this year of school is going to be like N's last year of school--N has been in school all year round for two years now. The kid turns six in September. My mouth is shut there--really.

T said N's day is morning with his regular 'person' there to 'help keep N in line' which means a person to shove N into a little box and turn him into a mindless automaton like every other kid around-learn the test so we can pass you and get the government money while not actually educating you--and yes--I've done the research on St Louis public schools--thanks to the ex hub's whatever he calls her (which is apparently what he still calls her, strangely enough, (his) whatever you call her) --but she actually gave me a great deal of leads on the St Louis public school system...eons ago. Anyway. Mornings for N being shoved into a narrow closed-in box. Afternoons w speech therapy and everything else they do with the --retards (I use term this in the same sense and manner Maria Montessori did in her books--I sure as heck do NOT condone my child being labeled as such--but there is no other way to put it...).

Well, this weekend I proved the kid has issues hearing out of one ear. In front of another adult witness too. And T keeps telling me there is nothing wrong w N's hearing---just like there is nothing wrong w N's teeth, which are rotting literally and visibly right out of his head. It's all me. I know. What do I know?

I watched the ex bully my son while the boy was obviously tired and just as obviously hungry on Friday at the drop off--and I know the stupid man meant well--because he can't see past the nose on the end of his face--he really thinks he's helping--what child when tired and hungry can think straight and "use (his) big boy words" when an adult is standing over top of them using the obey me now or you will be punished voice--that voice of degradation and impending doom that I have tried to tell T about when we were living together....that he is completely clueless as to how he sounds exactly like his own father and I know T hates that man because T always said so....

Now--the kid is currently five yo, ok? On Friday, I told T when N acts like that it usually means he's hungry here--and I asked him when the last time N had eaten was. He told me he had no idea. "Oh, I have no idea." Quote. Unquote.
The kid is FIVE. You have no clue when he last ate!?! A kid with blood sugar issues--like his sister--like his mother--like most people in my family period? like every other AUTISTIC child out there where NUTRITION is such a big deal in helping deal with the AUTISM--and this man, who enjoyed showing me his power over the small child, enjoying putting it to me that this is how you deal with this child, even as I was saying in my nice I'm a stupid dumb blonde please ignore me voice, we usually feed him and that takes care of the whiney-ness issue, has not a CLUE in his head about when the child LAST ATE.

Does anyone else wonder why I keep praying to every god out there to save my child?
Save my kid from good intentions--oh PLEASE! please please please

The man can't tell me how N hurts himself 9 times out of 10.
The man can't tell me when he last ate.
He blows me off when I bring up things like N's teeth.
He takes the kid to the emergency room--and thinks to call me when they go in--and swears he won't forget to call me when they leave--but does forget anyway.
The man who "forgot" to tell me how to order school pics of the kid for myself and my family, because he won't spring for even wallet sized pics for anyone in my family because they don't matter to him because he doesn't like them.
The man who to this day has YET to cough up a disk w the pictures he took of both kids over christmas in 2008--or even jsut email them to me a couple at a time or whatever is easier for him--despite the fact I still ask now and then -- until he gripes at me for asking....because he hates to be reminded by me of all his failures....

Can we say--nuff said?

Saturday was a decent day actually. N was having a rough day--but he's had rough weekends the past couple weeks. Boy ate fine. Boy played fine. Boy had an issue or two, but after we fed him, issues disappeared. I mean that--we fed the boy and his mood did a 180--every freaking time. I am not making this up for the ex's benefit. The boy needs to be fed regularly and more than just three meals a day.
Saturday night. R went home. N asked for a bath as soon as R was out the door. Which is unusual. Usually he plays in the bath water from his sister, who leaves the water in the tub when she's done w her bath for just this reason. Or he gets a bath when I put him in. He rarely asks for a bath himself. Which means--warning flag number one cropped up. So, I run the tub. The tub is full, I turn off the water. Boy gets out. Not all together un-N-like. He does that at times. But he doesn't just lay in the water, or recline in this case, and do nothing, as he did then, warning flag number 2. Usually he plays or messes w stuff or talks to himself. Sometimes he sings, which is cute.
I wrap the boy up in his towel. He crawls into bed. He goes to sleep. Almost immediately. It wasn't that late. I was not entirely unsurprised by how quickly the boy crashed. He'd had a rough time before he got to us, and then we took him out and took him shopping and everything else during the day on Saturday. Not too long after that, as I was busy checking email, the boy sat up and started coughing. Mommy instinct clicked instantly. I grabbed the boy and ran for the bathroom. Where he spent a good ten minutes heaving and puking his guts up.

I clean him up. Wrap him in a fresh towel (just in case). Take him back to bed and tuck him in. He spent the entire night barfing--every hour or so. Not much came out. Mommy instinct is a great thing. I woke up every single time just before he'd barf so I could have the rag and the garbage can ready for him. Last time he threw up was 6a. He slept in til about 9, 930a.

I watch him. I get no information--or at the very best an infinitesimal scant bit of information about the boy or what is going on in his life or world or anything related to anything--I hear alot more about movies and comic books than my kid--from a man who barely speaks to me, except in fits and starts. After watching and talking to N these past few weeks, after watching T and his behaviour (and he is a bully --he stood directly over Nik, looming over him, leaning down and over him--like Snoopy doing his vulture routine, with that harsh demanding unsatisfiable voice of his that is just his dad incarnate)--add into it what I am sure based on things N has said is "big boy school' or going to school like a big boy or something to that effect--N is under way too much stress--add into his lack of sleep (7a to 10/1030p daily according to what T gripes at me to stick to all the time)--his lack of a regular feeding time full of solid food that sticks to him for longer than 15 minutes (yeah-all my nutritional studies and research into grains and Waldorf schools and cooking and everything else are completely without merit--except here where they obviously work --when I can get everyone to eat what I make :-) grr)--all it boils down to is the boy is stressed the heck out and I seem to be the only one who says a thing--but of course T cannot hear my voice when I speak because I am not in agreement w him at all--so he automatically and immediately tunes me out and poo-poos everything and anything I say.

Now--the man said he would agree to putting N in Waldorf school (which would so do wonders for that stress in N--before he becomes as neurotic as T and his family--according to the things T has told me and by T's own admissions--not my own personal opinion or anything-I swear)--I am almost a that point where I can afford to put E and N both in Waldorf schools. So T--watch out--I will fight for this--and you did say if I paid for it it would happen.
Of course, knowing how cheap and lazy the man is, that also means I will be driving and picking up and fetching and carrying--but to get my kid healthy and keep my kid safe--it is worth it.

Ha!

Thank you for listening to my tirade there.

Which leads me to my other bit here--because I so did not intend to get all off-track about T-or N.

I do find it funny, despite the Pavlov dog response to R's presence from N (can we go to dairy queen playground now? the second R walks through the front door), how very attached to R both kids are. It's easier to see in E, especially since R is the one man in her life who has never let her down. But N has been asking for R lately, asking about R. I also think it's kinda telling that N waits til T leaves to ask anything about R. R and T do not like each other, not that T didn't bring that down upon his own head by acting like a child--and T won't forgive R for calling him on his childish behavior. N actually likes R alot more than I've told R too. N can talk and he does talk and he does ask alot of questions. And they are not all related to dairy queen, mcdonalds, shopping or playgrounds when it comes to R.
R has been spending more time here lately, more time on the weekends. The dynamics between everyone is beginning to change now, in what I hope and what I think is a good way. We are taking very deliberate turns towards actually being a family--which I worry about from a variety of angles, no matter what R says. I worry about R taking that role, how he feels about it, especially given N as he is, and the fact that T will be there for awhile, until N is older. And w E probably more needy than I am when it comes to needing a male role model and father figure in her life. I often wish T would not have turned on her the way he did--even before MD. The way he turns on her now. I watch him try to make a play towards including her, trying to talk to her, and she isn't responding much anymore, mostly because she is far more secure w R these days. I think it's pretty sad for both E and T, some days. But T made his choice, whether he cares to admit it or not. And he refuses to see it from any other viewpoint but his own--so there is no changing him or working WITH him. You work around him and in spite of him, but not with him. That's the way he makes it. That's why he and I could never get along. As soon as I tried to be me again after I had N and T couldn't squash me -- I became obsolete and a burden.

This week R got a job offer. Not the best job offer. But a decent job offer. A job he can feel decent about taking while he is still looking for that other job we know is out there. And we all know how to find something, right? As in, I lost my cd, however do I find it, after tearing my entire flat to bits and found nothing? You buy a new one. Don't even have to unwrap the thing either. Voila--old cd pops up out of nowhere. The same thing is going to happen here. He'll take this job, be there maybe a month or so, and boom, that other job he's waiting for will show up and he'll take it--unless his current so so salary, no vacation, sucky benefits done through a temp agency as a contract steps in and says no way are we losing you-not only will we match that, we'll top it--and either way--the man wins. Period.

This also means that no matter how I feel about driving--which means I am going to have to hit the homeopathic remedies for vertigo and other issues-- I am going to have to buy a little car.
Give me something old, made out of real steel. I don't care how many doors it has, so long as it is an automatic. I can learn to drive a stick--I can drive a stick--I am just not confident enough doing it to do it with my children in the car in traffic. And right now, I am not at all confident about driving into traffic at all. The past couple times we've driven across the bridge into St Louis proper, I've wanted to throw up--and I wasn't the one driving.
E and I want to continue our lunches w Kerry every couple weeks. Plus, E and I have a plan to go out and sit in a cafe or coffee shop or something a couple times a week, have a cuppa something and maybe a cookie or something for the small fry--where we can both do our work out of the house and away from things. Which reminds me--I need to order homeschool ID cards for both of us. Going out requires driving, and we wouldn't ask R to do that for us anyway--not as far as he has to drive for us.
So, there's something on our list. And yes, I am doing well enough to buy a car, a much nicer car than the one I am planning, because I don't want a new car--I want a piece of junk that has to be coaxed and talked to and babied. Not to mention, so ugly no one would ever dream of stealing it. haha But yes, I can afford a decent car. I can afford the insurance and the upkeep and the gas. I just don't want to do it because I am still too afraid of traffic and of driving all by myself, especially with my kids in the car.
Not to mention, I really enjoy the time w R, even though I hate having to shop like this and not being able to just go out. Although circumstances have switched up and we are now able to just go and hang out places. We're getting there.

Tuesday, we are taking E canoeing for the very first time. I haven't been in ages, because T hates camping and canoeing and basically from what he told me he hates to be outside in Nature--he hates to be away from a decent bed and he hates to be away from his friends, the tv and the computer. So, no hope for me there. And the other T thought I was just saying I loved to camp and canoe and everything else just to please him--apparently he forgot all the stories about camping and hiking and everything else I used to do before he came into my life. So, it's been awhile.
We're going canoeing for a couple hours on Tuesday. Then we are going to visit the Meramac Caves, as E has never done anything like that either. I don't like being underground and I hate closed in spaces--R assures me Meramac is completely uhm modernized and commercialized. So no need to worry there.

The weekend after we are looking at going away for the weekend, the three of us, R, E and me. This is as close to that week in a cabin alone, w just E with me, as I can get. If it helps, thank goodness. If not, I don't know what I'll do. Except buy a car and drive my darned self.
At least R has reached that point where we can start doing these things together. If I can start getting out and getting away from, ya know--humans and civilization--on a decently regular basis--I might be happier. I will be happier. And more productive. And less likely to lose it when the kid pops up acting like she's 45 instead of 8......

R asked me something the other day. He mentioned something. I don't think he has caught on yet to the fact that he has the unique ability to make one comment, whether seriously or in jest, and my brain catapults off with it into a billion places. He has always had this capacity. I was just alot better about venting the myriad mazes of my mind elsewhere before we were dating.
Something about us not wanting to be here in this house this winter.
What exactly does that mean?
What does it mean when he says I am no longer happy w this house?
I am not happy w the GUESTS in my house--although the electronic thingys do seem to be helping alot in that department. I am also not thrilled w the fact the guy hasn't done the repairs I asked him to do (not R, well, not my R--the other R, the maintenance guy) --as my front window is still busted (it's double paned glass--bird hit the outside one night and broke the outer pane on one front window)--and roofing paper still hangs off the one side of the car port.....but we won't get into any of that...won't talk about the moles who have come back w a vengeance recently...or the fact that it dawned on me recently why things don't really grow all that well around here....
When I moved into this house, I was not expecting to stay in this house for very long. That's not a real leap for me. That's not a big deal for me. At my current rate, and planning for general increases in business as they do keep coming, I will be able to pay someone to pack up the house and move us, without much of an issue.
When the time comes.
But, I don't want to move right now. In fact, I am getting a bit stubborn about it. I am not moving from one freaking suburb to another, so I can go from being surrounded by one group of people to being surrounded by another group of people. Not even for the man I love. I also have no desire to move from IL to MO and have to jump through those homeschool hoops there--because the second I step into MO, T will be all over me. Because I do not live the way he thinks proper--he would see me completely destroyed and E completely destroyed, just because we are not like him. Just because we do things our own way--and we are pretty successful at it too. Especially when he's doing the same thing he's always been doing since I met him--and he has no plans to go anywhere else.

And this segue sucks, but still, thinking about that made me look at Ken, yes, the dog, and think, boy, her butt is growing back in real well these days...I can't justify shaving her for the winter. The only reason I did it this summer was because of the mud and the burs....she'll be looking way too border collie here in a few weeks...and the shedding will not stop...but that's ok too.
Yep--her butt is as big a nuisance as the ex--pretty much a match there...really...

I've had a good week-end. I got alot done. I got a great deal of baking done, which makes me feel better. Found out I need to buy deep cookie sheet style pans like my mother has--so I can make pizza where the crust is not so tremendously thick. Thick is good--but not that thick. :-) It turned out very yummy though. N rolled the dough out himself. And helped put the sauce and the cheese on. All he wanted was cheese, no pepperoni or anything. He ate up his huge piece and quite a bit of mine that I didn't finish. I miss my mother's cooking. But the pizza is a close one there.

I cleaned out alot of stuff. R fixed the one dresser for me, so my living room is in one piece again, Even though the red rug is now in the storage room, until I feel like getting something to really deep clean it, front and back. The living room actually looks bigger, even w the two chairs in there, without the red rug.

R also put together the elliptical cross trainer bicycle for us. The instructions made the job look WAY harder than it was. It's pretty cool. It also proves I am far more out of shape than I thought I was. But this is going to be a big help towards getting me back to where I want to be. And it is quiet, so I can ride it while on a call--if my phone will pick up in the den--sometimes it breaks up there--I may have to get another receiver--I have to look into that....

The den is clean. The kitchen, well, there are dishes, but the table is mostly clear...which I need to be able to mold doll faces...which is coming up here. Probably after we get back from Tuesday.

My dreams are sticking with me in the mornings again. I have more than Esmeree calling to be made permanent on my thigh. I will get a certain name tattooed on me before I get her done though--or maybe at the same time....despite protests from the man so named.
The name is R's name--and I have a strange sort of vindication there--the ex hub wanted his full name tattooed along my thigh--he actually wanted a statement--now he wanted this--while he was still planning w D to move D up from AR to live w him, while he and I were still married--and I refused the tattoo out of hand...this time I am getting a man's name tattooed at the top of my bikini line, whether the man likes it or not (which considering my wrist, ya have to wonder why his first name in a place no one but he will ever see makes ya kinda wonder....)--well, R is a much better man than T...and then again, it would be the third tattoo I got for R, which would create a tripod effect--and that is the most stable and balanced of mechanisms, which is why they use it for camera stands...but now I am starting to get too tired and loopy, so I'll stop there...
There are dolls beginning to speak. NaNoWriMo is coming and apparently my new lead character is coming to me, with whispers and suggestions and full-blown demands. And per the rules of NaNoWriMo, I can't do anything more than take notes.
The journey into Lemuria is coming along, no matter how slowly. There is more than K working there. I have alot to catch up w. Right now I have one story I really want to type up and post to the Hestia blog.....plus, I got in two books this past week, each with nice chapters dedicated to Hestia in them. Plus, with everything else I have going on, incorporating--or in my case more fully incorporating Hestia into our world is actually the path I have become far more willing to take of late.....
My artwork is slowly returning and revolving around my hand. I drew a small piece tonight that actually had to do with Hestia--it needs colour work before i will show it to anyone....but it's getting there.
I am about to take a plunge and make a pledge --rededicate myself-- to the 100 things in 100 days challenge. Only this time I was leaning more towards mandalas. Let me get some other things in line. I still am not comfortable right now drawing...I know it's me and I know where it comes from...I just have to pick up some of my art books again and re-orient myself....

and I think I have killed enough time now that I can toss the clean laundry into a pile to await folding tomorrow morning...and I can curl up for a few minutes w a good this book for writer's book and fall into a sound peaceful sleep...knowing my world is good and all things are perfectly as they should be.....

So -- until well, tomorrow probably...sleep well... peace....

Let Us Stretch Ourselves - Wishcasting Today

I absolutely love this image that Jamie created for everyone today. I fell in love with it before I saw anything else, before I saw the question, anything. Just that one word "Goddess" was all I needed to know this was going to be a powerful and amazing question. That word alone sparked something incredible within me, right away.

I woke up this morning smiling and happy. Took a couple calls. Then went back to bed and luxuriated in the fact that I could go back to sleep and not feel bad about doing it. Neither R nor I have been sleeping well lately for a variety of issues, but last night he went to bed early--and I stayed up finishing off things I needed to finish--sleeping in this morning. And even when I woke up the second time, I was smiling.

Such is the beginning of an incredible life. I keep looking back over the past 2-3 years, wondering at the things I have been through, wondering at the things the kids have been through, wondering at the things R has been through on his side too....and looking forward now to the things that we can all see very clearly that are coming...and the things that are currently in progress. It's all amazing.

And it all just walks right up to and in and through Jamie's question for us today:

What door do you wish to open?

I have asked for so much lately...and have had it all manifest for me..in some strange ways at times, but everything has more or less come to me....but please do not think it has only been the past few weeks that I have wished for these things...these are wishes I have been wishing for the longest time. Without the love and support of community, especially the ones that Jamie Ridler so tenderly nurtures and guides along, I don't think I could have or would have achieved so much so 'quickly'. I am very grateful...to everyone.

It's time to start creating some new dreams...to go with the new passion and the new life flowing into my world at the moment.

What door do I wish to open?

What door do I wish to open?

I keep seeing this hallway in front of me, each one neatly labeled: work, art, teaching, dance, home, family, love, children, marriage....I am still in the midst of re-assessing and re-establishing various outdated models of behavior and desire that I have used in the past that have become obsolete....I am finding myself confronted with the fact that deep down I still crave the same things I have always craved, I still seek the same things I have always sought, but now I do this within different parameters, with a different mindset. It's the same desire essentially, but all the details have changed.

I own my own house. Ok, so now I want a bigger house, but I am looking at the kids that will be coming.
I have that good man, and eventually we will get married at some point. Although I am still deathly afraid of the concept of marriage all together. It's so weird to actually have to admit that I am probably more afraid of things working out w R than I am afraid they won't. Although after the past eight months or so, if we can make it through all of that together and still be as strong as we are, we are not going to have any real problems at all for the rest of our life. We know how to deal with things together.
My work is just incredible at the moment and will only get better and better. One friend keeps suggesting I start doing the psychic 'fair' things that a couple businesses run locally. But she tried to do that before MD too. It's having to drag E around w me to some of these things I don't like. Plus, many of them happen on the weekends and I am not letting anything interfere w my time w N. And, no, dragging him to these things is NOT an option.
I haven't really drawn for weeks now. It's not that I lost the desire; I lost the momentum. I need to pick the 100 drawings in 100 days challenge thing again and restart.
I need to finish the two major things I have on the needles at the moment. I need to get back into my knitting. Usually, if the pattern is not too complicated, I can knit while I am on the phone. Well, can't work the lace shawl that way, but still...

Marriage. More kids. More critters. More Nature. A vacation home out far away from Humanity.
Writing. The artwork. Claywork. Metal work. Fiber arts. The dolls. Studying. Teaching. Growing.

So many different choices, all along the same path, along the same hallway...

I wish to open the door to new opportunities, new experiences, new dreams, the fresh winds of peace and clarity.

I wish to open the door to true freedom, which is something I have always preached, but always shackled myself in one way or another and prevented myself from reaching...

I wish to open myself to all the beauty and the bounty and the love that the Universe has in store for me.

I wish to set aside the unimportant and focus on what is real and true to me: my home and my family.

I wish to reconnect with the things I have thought lost to me for so long and to watch these things again blossom and bear wondrous fruit.





As Above, so Below.
Peace.