House Update

            After a really treacherous week, culminating in a bizarre week-end (dealing w my 9yo daughter), I think I made some progress this week-end.

            Last week:  Do not let anything else fool you.  I am still in survival and recovery mode at the moment.  There is still …half a household to sort and unpack yet.  I am doing a little tiny bit every day, most days.  It is a slow integration process.  It’s not just that I pushed myself so hard during the moving part…because overall there were only a couple days when I pushed myself physically … this is mostly a mental …malaise…that whole this is my best friend and I promised never ever to move back in w him again…and here I am again…although as R keeps pointing out, circumstances have vastly altered this time around.  We aren’t just best friends any more…we are so much more…and I am not a room-mate this time.  I am a spouse/mate/partner…this is not ‘his’ house; it is ‘our’ house…and we will make it our home…that’s sort of the issue I am having at the moment.  That whole how do I get over my own issues where he is concerned and turn this place into our place, without disrupting all of his stuff…even though he wants me to disrupt his stuff…

            I had a very interesting experience last week…I’ve been rather vocal about the paring down of my wardrobe.  R has alternated between teasing me to get rid of more clothes to fit the space we have and the suggestion of building me more closet space…well, I took him at his teasing one day.  I went through every single item of clothing I own and ruthlessly sorted and purged things out.  It was not the easiest thing I have ever done.  When I started the process I was sort of ok with things, and sort of resentful…and as I continued, I questioned everything, including if I was doing this for me or for R…I questioned if I should do it.  So much time and money and effort had gone into every single item of clothing…not just in the buying of them, but in the transport of them…I filled another two 33 gallon bags, and another four 13 gallon bags, with another 13 gallon bag only half full full of nothing but clothing…and I am thinking there are still things in the basement that I didn’t find yet that I need to go through.

            No one who has lived w me or who has seen my closets in the past twenty years will believe that R and I now share a closet…and he has the larger half…and all my clothes (except winter coats of course…and my maternity clothes) fit in that one closet…my other clothes all fit in the dressers…sweaters will be going in the closet…it all fits…period.

            What you may not realize is two months ago now I had three closets, two chest of drawers, three small dressers, and who knows what else tucked into odd places…and now I have half a closet, my side of the dresser, and my side of the drawers under the bed and my part of the shelf in the closet…it’s a very different experience.

            I did finally manage to get my jeans down to 20 pairs…and I think maybe even less than that.  I got rid of nearly all the slacks I owned because I hadn’t worn them in so long.  I even tossed out more sweaters…so I am actually down to under 20 sweaters—and this includes cardigans, which can tend to be my weakness. 

            I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have been able to have all four seasons of clothing in one room…and the clothes not be in boxes or in bags for storage during a move…although at first I was quite upset…afterwards the catharsis set in and I felt better and better.  I really like this.  The longer it goes on, the better I actually feel.  That’s…strange…and interesting…all at the same time.

            R started teasing me immediately about the next shopping trip, when I will refill the shelves and the hangers, but I really do not think so.  I think I am good.  I grow more sure of that every day.

                        We had some interesting talks this week too.  Not only are we planning to build a linen closet into the empty space above our basement stairs, but we are also thinking of building at least one room downstairs, if not more…because the idea has been thrown out to have one room for the books and another room as an extra bedroom…we’ll have to see about that yet.  We’ve also talked about opening up the dining room to add a door to the outside and building a patio out into the backyard.  That is kind of thrilling…for me, it means more landscaping…not that I have even really started the landscaping projects around here yet…but I am planning, which means something.  Rose garden here we come…

This week-end, however, we were discussing the possibility of building onto the house…and other than the patio into the backyard, there’s not a great deal of room to build out, but there is room to build up.  This is the omg we just moved and I do NOT want to move again person talking here…both R and I are at the point in our lives where we actually need more land and less neighbors…but we are also willing to do a couple things about that…#1 like buying a vacation property elsewhere (we already know we are buying property in CO) and #2 like buying land here and building on it, or buying the big house w land and slowly moving into it…or chucking it all in and paying someone to pack and load and move and unload everything…at this point, we are both more leaning towards that option…

We also started our family planning discussions this week-end, though they were greatly curtailed by my 9yo and her actions (more on that later)…seems ‘space’ is one of those issues that we will have to deal with when the time comes…which I don’t think it is as bad as R thinks it is…there is a reason that we bought bunkbeds and not just because N loves them so much…we bought them w the intent of the boys sharing a room and breaking the bunks down to regular beds as needed…

Plans.  Our unpacking is often stymied…in order to work on E’s room, we must work on N’s room so we have room to do what we need to do.  In order to work on N’s room, we have to rearrange the living room and parts of the basement.  In order to get to those parts of the basement, we have to organize other parts of the basement…some of which includes selling off certain items (like a waterbed, the waterbed mattress, an electric stove…so on and so on…if you know someone who needs something, let us know…)

We have discovered we need something along the lines of a beer fridge—more like a beer and fresh fruits and veg fridge…or maybe just a beer and condiment fridge…and we both got rid of so much stuff from our fridges before we combined them, but we still lack room all over the place…it’s bizarre.  Luckily, we still have my old fridge out in the shed.  We still plan to go through the main fridge one more time before we do this, but overall, we think the 2^nd fridge will actually be a benefit…and since, now that we live w R, the way we shop and eat and prepare food is different, the whole 2 fridge thing may actually only be temporary as well.

We also have two deep freezes.  One is a small chest and the other a larger chest.  We are planning to combine and condense and use only the larger chest.  Then we can sell the other chest.  First, we need to get the big one down into the basement.  Right now, it’s in the car port…plugged in…working fine…and thank goodness it has a lock, because w my son around, we need one that locks…the little snoop.  N is always on the look-out for popsicles and ice cream.

So much to do…at least we have time…and as much as we feel rushed at the moment, we all know we’re home and we’re good…that goes a long way to making things better when we all get overwrought here.

NEWS!

Can we say WOW!  It is so very funny how things work out.  Two of R’s friends came into town from NE this week-end.  B is getting out of the Air Force soon and they are looking to move back to St Louis.   R and I are moose-sitting for them, their dog Whiskey. B and B, and Baby H, went house-hunting while they were here this past week-end. 

It seems that we did not buy my house for me.  We really bought it for them.  As soon as B walked into that house, I knew it was their house. 

So, what does this mean?  Thankfully, it does not mean full-throttle choke a horse you have to move out so fast move for me.  It does mean a move…but R and I are combining households now, rather than later.

The original plan was to buy ‘my’ house for the kids and me.  Then R would get a better job, or the kids and I would stay there long enough to build up the payment history on the place as a rental, then buy a third larger house (the four bedroom house w 3+ acres of land)…we all move into the big house and rent out the two little houses. 

The plan now is…to figure out what stays and what goes in both houses so we can get everything from both houses into one house…

First thing we need to do is …have the carpets at R’s removed and the floors (which are hardwood) treated and fixed up.  Then the heavy lifting shall ensue. 

B and B will be back in 2 weeks w a load of their stuff.  I do not have to have everything out by then; they simply need a space to put their stuff…which is cool.  The weird thing is…if I had to have that house empty in 2 weeks, I could do it.  I could move all the smaller stuff on my own during the day/week…and R and I could pick one day to rent a trailer or truck or whatever and move the big stuff.

Except…we’re waiting to find out about the when of the floors…and I have N all week this week.

Aside here:

            I got a call from T last Thursday telling me that was N’s last day of school for the year and could he drop N that day.  Fine.  But…he “just” found out that was N’s very last day of school?  He couldn’t have thought to mention that, say, the week before, at E’s birthday party when we were discussing N’s summer?         

            Which leads to my next point.  R, E and I planned to go canoeing on Memorial Day (yesterday)…and didn’t think N would enjoy it.  I told T this …the week-end of E’s party.  I wanted to make sure he had plenty of heads up.  Now, at the party/that week-end, T had asked if I wanted to have N for 1 week at a time out of every 4 during the summer, as N has some sort of school camp or something all summer.  I am assuming, because I will never be told, that it has something to do w the autistic therapy or whatever.  No dates or weeks were ever mentioned, suggested, told or said.  All I was told was classes run for three weeks and then N has a week off.  Again, I assumed T would give us some heads up on which weeks were ours…especially, at least, the first week, knowing that T would assume I can count 3 weeks and know that N would be there the fourth. With me still? 

We drop N off at T’s on Sunday, so that T has N for Memorial Day.  T kept asking me what time we’d be back after canoeing.  I for the life of me could not figure out why the man was so interested in knowing when we’d be back.  It didn’t make any sense to me.  I think he asked me like five times before I finally asked why he needed to know.  For the record, I wasn’t being coy…I kept saying, I don’t know what time we’ll be back.  We’re going canoeing.  We don’t actually have a schedule or a time frame.  We were thinking canoe most of the day and then do some other things after canoeing, maybe, depending upon how everyone felt.  No real set plans.  Come to find out, THIS week is N’s first week off.  I had NO idea.  If T had spoken up sooner about it, I would have changed things around a bit so that N stayed w us on Memorial Day, because it’s silly to drive the boy back and forth that way.  It makes him mean and nasty tempered too.  We are currently not only dog sitting Whiskey, we are also dog sitting Bear, who is an older grand dame much set in her ways…and who is not exactly overjoyed by Kendall, much less Whiskey…and four dogs, three of whom already know each other, now shut up in one house….means pack hierarchy issues for the first few days…not fun w dogs growling and snarling and having to worry where both kids are when the snarfing commences…

R was upset, to put it nicely, over the lack of communication by T…but as I told him…it’s been nearly eight years and now and then, I see an improvement, but overall, I have to say the complete lack of consideration for the schedules of others and the lack of communication at all levels has not changed…and there is no way to make it change either.  Short of someone else taking over his communication commitments and doing it for him.  He thinks I don’t want to see him w someone.  I have ALWAYS wanted to see him w someone so that he can be happy.  Now I want someone decent in his life so that R and I have a better chance at having someone in that household with whom to communicate at a normal level so that we can all have a better relationship together…which is all I have every asked for in the first place. 

Which reminds me…I really need to ask T what week in July N has off because I am planning to go to WV for a few days then…July?  I must be crazy…

So, we had SO much fun w B, B, and H this week-end.  Both kids got to swim in the pool at their hotel.  I could not believe how much N loved it.  Now, he has always loved water…but the boy darn near dove into 5 feet deep waters without a second thought.  No, he cannot swim.  B and B have a 6yo dd who lives w her mom that got to visit on Sunday…E and she were totally inseparable the entire time.  It was so awesome.  I cannot WAIT for these guys to move in nearby…this is going to be TERRIFIC.

In the meantime…let me start off by saying I had a much better time w B and B than I would have had if I had stuck to my own plans this past week-end.  First, we did make it to value village and I bought N not only a bunch of summer type clothes…some shorts and T shirts (we had to buy him swim trunks so we could take him swimming w us…T is still on the whole send only the too small and too holey stuff w N, if and when he sends stuff for N to wear…but I’m not going to worry about that anymore…we buy N clothes and N actually prefers they stay here w us…his favorite shirt was one N picked out himself, a collared shirt w stars.  He loves that thing so much and I always ask him if he wants to wear it or take it back to T’s w him and N throws fits to make sure it doesn’t leave my house…), plus I also bought him some pants/jeans for when colder weather comes along…they were 50% off…I sort of had to do it…it’s the mom in me…

We did not make it to the Book House for their Memorial Day Sale.  Yeah, I know…as if I need more books.

I did recently go through my bookcases, at least partially.  I have a big box of books to sell or donate.  And that is only the beginning.  I was surprised by the knitting and crochet and other crafting books I decided to let go of…now I have a better reason to let go of some more too…now that we are moving…

We did not make it to Kirkwood Knittery either for their Memorial Day sale.  Which is a shame, because I was sort of wanting to buy some dyed roving to play w, to play w needle felting a little bit more.  No huge loss.  I was looking for some bulky weight cotton and/or cotton blend to continue to play w the ribby tank I keep making over and over…I do believe I saved money and actually bought more yarn when I ordered from smileys yarns this morning…originally, I was planning to order some cotton blends from knitpicks.  And now they are having a sale…of course!!  Which is fine…I am still WAY happier with what I ordered this morning…I bought some soy yarn that I am going to use in place of Noro for the sweater I want to make…along w the cotton yarn to make several tank tops that I can actually wear in the summer heat. 

Ok…I really must go to my house and start working on something there…

More to come…very very soon…

IT'S OFFICIAL

We FINALLY closed on the 70s house!!

It's all ours.

Welcome to the future....

Now the real work begins...

General Update

            Ok.  So I think I am understanding why I set up the other blog.  I have a mentor on hand at the moment who is trying to help me get my business and my professional life sorted for better…actualization of my plans?  For lack of any other description than that at the moment.  I am withholding judgment and a good many other things until I am certain of anything.  But, hey, at least we are moving forward here.

            Speaking of moving….we looked at houses this weekend.  We spent Sunday afternoon perusing a few open houses, with E in tow.  The original intent was to get a feel for what we (bf and I) are both after in a home together.  Well, we found an incredible house that we both love.  Three acres of land.  A fenced backyard for the dogs.  Tons of room inside.  A fireplace.  An incredible kitchen.  A wooden deck out back.  Ah.  At least the bf is checking into the viability of us actually getting this house.  We already have an offer in mind.  Money to put down.  Plans for the basement and so many other things.  It’s beautiful.  And if not this one, then there are plenty of others out there just waiting for us. 

            I have been running on a lot of energy from others lately.  Haven’t really stayed my own course through.  Too many what ifs and assumptions going on in my world.  Things are never dull here.

            I watched Underworld the Rise of the Lycans Sunday night.  Well, ok, so for a lot of it I was asleep on the bf’s chest w the girl curled up against my legs, but I got the gist of things.  I really like this movie.  I am impressed with it, very much.  I would like to point out that Sonia was blonde in the Evolution film, and far more pregnant than she was in this one, but overall, this was an excellent flick, in and of itself, and it tailored itself in nicely to the other two movies.  I really like that.  Some of the characterizations were off just a touch, but not enough to really set my teeth on edge.  I do like the trees in this movie, of all things.

           

            Which leads us to another segue here…upon recommendations and amazon reviews I bought Alwyn Crawshaw’s Ultimate Painting Course…I need more than this book offers…I was looking for something particular and this book isn’t it, although it is a very good book, please do not get me wrong—there is a lot of information to be had in this book….one thing I got from my original skimming of this book is the decide what you want to paint…decide your favourite subject….mine is trees.  The second I paused on that section of the book to read it, I knew.  Trees are my thing.  Not ‘landscapes’ or forests or anything so..vast..or maybe so typical…but trees.  Individual trees.  With their gnarled twisted branches and vast array of branches off shooting from other branches.  I saw an amazing tree this weekend…you could not see the tree for all the vines and ivy crawling up and over the thing…it had already dropped all its own leaves, but was green from root into the branches from its symbiotes.  Or parasites, depending upon how you look at it. 

            I also watched the Other Boleyn Girl.  Now, I have studied Queen Elizabeth.  I studied her sister Queen Mary, barely, but still.  Mostly in regards to Elizabeth and not really into her own life or times.  I have also studied Mary Queen of Scots.  I have never really delved into the complexities of Henry’s court or anything of that nature.  I did not know Anne’s sister bore the King a son, much less a daughter.  I knew only on the periphery that someone had bourn the King a son.  I’d never researched farther into it.  This movie was very well done.  I love the way things came together.  I love the way things were portrayed.  As annoying as I found the view points often shown through the walls and barriers, I understand that is how court was held then.  Someone was always listening.  Someone was always watching.  Be it maids or servants or other royals.  There was always someone there, even at the privy box door.  I was not all together certain of Eric Bana  pulling off King Henry—but he actually did a terrific job.  Although all I have been able to think since the end of that movie was they called Anne a Witch—because her uhm girly  bits had the power not only to change one man’s religion, but to change an entire country’s religion in the process.  She changed the world by the power of her girly bits.  Such is the power of girly bits, people.  If you know how to use it, you can control the world.  So it has been writ the universe over since the dawn of time.  However, I do think it is time to invest some study into the machinations of that court prior to Elizabeth….I love this sort of thing.

            My son ‘reconstructed’ one of my journey dolls for me this weekend,  Funny thing is, it was something I myself had wanted to do, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I think now she is even more lovely.  He broke off one stick, the one that was much longer than the other.  Now they are about the same length.

            I must do research on kachina dolls.  I will reveal more of the project later on, but I need to make two bodies for kachina dolls.  I am not making the heads/masks.  Only the bodies.  Hmm.  Very interesting.  I have been looking for something to push me to buy the armature wire I have been wanting, to try out some of the ideas in my brain…..

but which avenue do I go?  Traditional kachina…or my more …known…safer…spirit doll body methodology….research research here we come….

           

            I have also been asked to knit (or crochet) something for a friend.  She offered to pay for it, but I will not hear of that.  I need to go stash diving in order to pull the yarn, but this is going to be fun.  J  I love things like this.  Maybe I will be able to finish the other project I have had in mind for this friend…for months now…I’ve even started several times only to frog it every time.

            Does anyone have a good recommendation for a toe up sock pattern book?  Now that I am so proud of myself over the Turkish cast on, I want to make the bf socks.  He’s going skiing in Feb and I am supposed to knit him some ski socks.  I have no clue what that means yet, as I plan to take the man to a couple yarn stores to check out yarns before I commit to anything yet.  My red Venus doll, which is what started this entire process, is coming along quite well, in my opinion.  I am eager to see how she looks once she is finished….I still need to figure out what I want to do with the Kali Ma pattern.  I know I want to make her…I just have to do it.  Still wish there were a Sri Ganesh pattern available from the same designer.  I love her patterns.  I have four or five now.  Even though I have only finished one doll from the patterns I’ve bought.  I shall have to research toe up sock patterns and books in a bit as well. 

            I have pulled information and prompts from another writer’s group I am supposed to be a part of and haven’t really done too much with lately.  I shall begin posting prompt session from them as soon as I am able. 

           

            When I sat down last night and began to go through the ‘assignments’, it dawned on me that other than planning things for the NaNoWriMo project, I have not been in control of the topics of which I have been writing lately.  I have been working from prompts and more prompts.  This is not a bad thing.  I am writing.  I am just wondering at the path I am currently taking, wondering if I am setting myself up for something else down the road.  We’ll see.  I am writing and that is good enough for me at the moment.

            Speaking of prompts, I am off to see the textyladies for Talkative Tuesday.  Plus, I do need to rewrite last week’s prompt as well….

            TTFN….

Cusping....

Well, I've been having alot to say these past couple days...and have been busy doing other things....so today before the bf comes over in order for us to take the boy back to his dad's, I decided to spend a little time trying to stick in all the little tidbits and updates I've been meaning to put here....

For some reason, the first thing I did was go visit Ces--or rather her blog. Sarah 'introduced' me to Ces, via one of Sarah's posts.
I don't think I have ever 'spoken' to Ces--mostly because I am intimidated. I do visit her blog as often as I can, because her work, her drawing, her painting, her writing/blogging, is ....like food for the soul. Then again, I usually go to her blog when I am feeling depressed and untalented--because I find her work so mind-boggling perfect and incredible--I hope to some day be able to do to trees what she does with simple pen and ink--she among many....

Makes me want to cry--I drew yesterday..I've been picking up the pencil a little bit more lately...but I am still not really getting as back into as I was before the whole "June issue" --but I am getting there. I stopped writing for years and years due to being utterly miserable--and then it was working for SBC and finding a new sort of misery and subjugation there that causes me to start writing again...so go figure...at least now I can say that it is joy and happiness that keep finding me and inspiring me....


This is just a random doodle...it had originally started out as a mandala...then became Mickey Mouse...then moved on again. I didn't notice until the day after I scrawled her out...but she has a tear running down one cheek, as if the pencil slipped and I never knew it...because I had no clue...

Now, here's the way I was planning to start this post today:

How do you know for sure I mean to move into a new house?
I told the ex, my son's dad. As bizarre as it seems, he is usually the first person I tell things to, or at least in the top two because some things I run past either my mother or father first....but normally T is the very first person to know the big stuff going on w me....
We can say it is all because of N--and truthfully that is most of it--the other part is I keep trying to lead by example w him--if I speak up and show him how communication is supposed to work, maybe he'll catch a clue. Hasn't worked to date (going on seven years now...) but hey--ya never know.
T was one of the first people I threw out the whole we're moving....because we'll be moving to the MO side of the river and I wanted to make sure he'd gotten over himself. I still don't trust him--but I do have faith in his willingness to be a lazy slug as long as no one pokes him w a stick or dump salt on him--which I have no intention of doing. I do not like the man--and I disapprove of way too many things...but I get to see my son and occasionally get information about my son--sometimes even pictures too...
I did not tell T once--I think I told him at least twice in email and I made a point to tell him in person too.

So, if there were any doubts about the fact I am moving up--let that doubt fall away.

We are dreaming bigger.

Not to mention, if the bf can swing the financials, we are aiming REALLY big--but that will mean a great deal of work on my side (mental, emotional, spiritual...) because I am still in limbo about living w anyone at all...much less him. Funny thing is, he and I have lived together before--merely as room-mates. As lovers, and as parents, it's a whole new ball-game--and one i want in one hand and am desperately afraid of in the other...as alike as we are, we are in many instances direct opposites...ahhh...I could go on and on there...and I know above all other things the second he says this is what we're doing and this is what you're doing I'll do it after kicking up a storm and him just basically talking me into anyway. The verbiage I would use here, he'd just force me into it, is just too brutal, because force is not anything that goes on in our relationship--it's more he pushes me through my fears whether I want to go or not to show me what I want on the other side of my fears anyway--because he can see through me and through my fears...

My friend Kerry and I have been talking about being on the cusp of things--and just how frustrating that can be.
It feels like everything is being turned upside down--and I keep getting hit with what other people term as 'negative' stuff--and I keep seeing it as positive--because if nothing else it is the Universe saying this is wrong for you--you need to do this...which in my mind is a GOOD thing...except when I get stuck in those darker moments and I am thinking am I forcing the positive spin on things because that is what I do -- am I forcing reality to be what I want it to be--or am I seeing things clearly enough to be able to say yes, definitely time to move on and be happy about things, rather than focusing on the not good and getting mired in it....I far prefer to move on and be happy than to dwell in the muck. I've had enough muck in my life. I have spent this past year clearing out more and more muck. I have spent this last year working on me and opening up different doors that I had shut long ago.

As I have been pondering here, it's time to walk fully through those doors, rather than just cracking them open to let a little tiny bit of light through. I am getting there. One step at a time.

Ahh--today we are taking the kids out to play...then the dog to the vet to get her shots (woo hoo for seven day a week vet clinics--maybe I can ask them about putting Cricket up for sale as well....I don't think I want to continue as a bird person once we move...but both R and I are fairly neutral where Crick is concerned--I jsut think the bird needs someone who knows more about birds and can take mo' better care of her...who can work w her and train her and whatever....)

I'm off for now--and oh yes--pictures of the two dresses I have here for wedding dresses are coming.....please stand by. :-)

So, The Bomb Has Gone Off

At least the one in my brain.

I am not 'blaming' all of this on Jamie either.
Now, her questions might be the fulcrum that gets me moving some days...I will not deny that...and she sure has that knack for asking the questions that I ask myself and that I need to answer--questions that without her prompting I might leave eddying around in my brain....

So, maybe, maybe, I will just tease her and say, well, she started it! But please know, I mean this in jest, and am not blaming anything on her for real.

Jamie is truly a great Enchantress; she knows just where to lead people to spark ideas and thoughts and visions. She is genuinely magical. I am privileged to be included in her endeavors.

Now, I am not promising short today.
I have about a trillion things bombarding my brain lately.
And yes, these things have been coming, and I've known it. I was thinking I had more time with things and apparently I don't. Which if you've ever read this blog, you know, that's how things work for me. I get BOOM BOOM BOOM and everything falls into place.
I keep getting the same feeling....before the truck accident happened last November. Only this time, I am watching and seeing the signs, loud and clear.

It sounds horrible to say, but, when I bought this house, I never expected to be here more than 3-5 years. When we were in the process of moving into the house, when E and I came the first time from WV all by ourselves, where everything worked out well and we made it here fine and everything, she asked me how long we would be living here...my automatic intuitive answer was 3-5 years.
I had a reading a few months after moving in and the reader said I'd be here about a year. We're coming up on a year now. I didn't believe her at the time, not really. I scoffed. What was going to make me choose to give up my own freedom and leave? Other than a man and another house...and a man willing to pay to move all this stuff since I still to this day refuse to contemplate packing and loading and killing myself the way I did last time....much less the whole I am not touching a moving truck ever again in my life....
When we moved into this house, there were options available to us. There was still a certain man that could have come through to us, could have been 'the one' who swept me off my feet, married me, got us all settled and shot for the rescue ranch and everything else...and R was supposed to come later...after my marriage to the first guy and his marriage to a new girl all on his own (and for one certain person's sake-no, he was meant to find someone after you because of the way you acted for the past couple years--years--not months, not weeks, but yes, years....).
That was the way it was read for us when we moved her. That was the way it was read for him. In fact, the fact that he and I were going to get together--and have at least one kid together--after going our separate ways in other marriages first--really surprised me.
From the moment I met this man, I knew he was going to be in my life for the rest of my life in one way or another. I had always assumed we would just be friends. I never ever thought there's be a romantic connection. I never actually thought I was good enough for him. I also never really thought he thought about me that way. Despite all our joking and teasing to the contrary.

I made different choices. I allowed -- no-- I purposely closed the door on one man and opened it far more fully to the other. I am more than happy w R. I may not understand why things are so bizarrely crystalline and why things that have never bothered me before in any other relationship suddenly take on a whole new life of their own when in relation to him. But then again, I have never been in such a raw and honest relationship before either--so I can see the logic behind the cacophony of emotion that arises. Not to mention, I have had very little actual safety in my life--when I am with him, near him, in his arms, I am Safe, capital S. He says I do the same for him--and I really hope that I do.

Just as the Universe keeps pushing me in one direction these past weeks, so has the Universe made sure, especially today, from a variety of sources, to let me know that I am loved and fully supported.

I keep getting the reminders I need from the people I will instinctively listen to...as well as others...everyone around me...cheering me on. And, yes, alot of this I can blame on Jamie, as without Wishcasting Wednesdays I don't really know where I would be. :-)

I need to get my head clear. :-) After what I wrote for wishcasting yesterday, the one thing that keeps barreling through my head is -- you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger.....

As I told one friend today, I know the dreams are inside me. I just have to find them and drag them out.

So, this is where I am heading today...to locate my dreams, probably hiding and cowering in the darkest recesses of my heart and brain, afraid to see the light of day, lest they actually draw breath and become real....failure is really so much easier than success...but failure no longer lives here...only good things this way come...I have spent too many years wallowing in the guilt and pain from and of others...I must shake off their shackles, the ones I took upon myself and claimed as my own....here's to freedom...and to clarity....

I'll let you know what comes of things...as I reach them myself.....