House Update

            After a really treacherous week, culminating in a bizarre week-end (dealing w my 9yo daughter), I think I made some progress this week-end.

            Last week:  Do not let anything else fool you.  I am still in survival and recovery mode at the moment.  There is still …half a household to sort and unpack yet.  I am doing a little tiny bit every day, most days.  It is a slow integration process.  It’s not just that I pushed myself so hard during the moving part…because overall there were only a couple days when I pushed myself physically … this is mostly a mental …malaise…that whole this is my best friend and I promised never ever to move back in w him again…and here I am again…although as R keeps pointing out, circumstances have vastly altered this time around.  We aren’t just best friends any more…we are so much more…and I am not a room-mate this time.  I am a spouse/mate/partner…this is not ‘his’ house; it is ‘our’ house…and we will make it our home…that’s sort of the issue I am having at the moment.  That whole how do I get over my own issues where he is concerned and turn this place into our place, without disrupting all of his stuff…even though he wants me to disrupt his stuff…

            I had a very interesting experience last week…I’ve been rather vocal about the paring down of my wardrobe.  R has alternated between teasing me to get rid of more clothes to fit the space we have and the suggestion of building me more closet space…well, I took him at his teasing one day.  I went through every single item of clothing I own and ruthlessly sorted and purged things out.  It was not the easiest thing I have ever done.  When I started the process I was sort of ok with things, and sort of resentful…and as I continued, I questioned everything, including if I was doing this for me or for R…I questioned if I should do it.  So much time and money and effort had gone into every single item of clothing…not just in the buying of them, but in the transport of them…I filled another two 33 gallon bags, and another four 13 gallon bags, with another 13 gallon bag only half full full of nothing but clothing…and I am thinking there are still things in the basement that I didn’t find yet that I need to go through.

            No one who has lived w me or who has seen my closets in the past twenty years will believe that R and I now share a closet…and he has the larger half…and all my clothes (except winter coats of course…and my maternity clothes) fit in that one closet…my other clothes all fit in the dressers…sweaters will be going in the closet…it all fits…period.

            What you may not realize is two months ago now I had three closets, two chest of drawers, three small dressers, and who knows what else tucked into odd places…and now I have half a closet, my side of the dresser, and my side of the drawers under the bed and my part of the shelf in the closet…it’s a very different experience.

            I did finally manage to get my jeans down to 20 pairs…and I think maybe even less than that.  I got rid of nearly all the slacks I owned because I hadn’t worn them in so long.  I even tossed out more sweaters…so I am actually down to under 20 sweaters—and this includes cardigans, which can tend to be my weakness. 

            I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have been able to have all four seasons of clothing in one room…and the clothes not be in boxes or in bags for storage during a move…although at first I was quite upset…afterwards the catharsis set in and I felt better and better.  I really like this.  The longer it goes on, the better I actually feel.  That’s…strange…and interesting…all at the same time.

            R started teasing me immediately about the next shopping trip, when I will refill the shelves and the hangers, but I really do not think so.  I think I am good.  I grow more sure of that every day.

                        We had some interesting talks this week too.  Not only are we planning to build a linen closet into the empty space above our basement stairs, but we are also thinking of building at least one room downstairs, if not more…because the idea has been thrown out to have one room for the books and another room as an extra bedroom…we’ll have to see about that yet.  We’ve also talked about opening up the dining room to add a door to the outside and building a patio out into the backyard.  That is kind of thrilling…for me, it means more landscaping…not that I have even really started the landscaping projects around here yet…but I am planning, which means something.  Rose garden here we come…

This week-end, however, we were discussing the possibility of building onto the house…and other than the patio into the backyard, there’s not a great deal of room to build out, but there is room to build up.  This is the omg we just moved and I do NOT want to move again person talking here…both R and I are at the point in our lives where we actually need more land and less neighbors…but we are also willing to do a couple things about that…#1 like buying a vacation property elsewhere (we already know we are buying property in CO) and #2 like buying land here and building on it, or buying the big house w land and slowly moving into it…or chucking it all in and paying someone to pack and load and move and unload everything…at this point, we are both more leaning towards that option…

We also started our family planning discussions this week-end, though they were greatly curtailed by my 9yo and her actions (more on that later)…seems ‘space’ is one of those issues that we will have to deal with when the time comes…which I don’t think it is as bad as R thinks it is…there is a reason that we bought bunkbeds and not just because N loves them so much…we bought them w the intent of the boys sharing a room and breaking the bunks down to regular beds as needed…

Plans.  Our unpacking is often stymied…in order to work on E’s room, we must work on N’s room so we have room to do what we need to do.  In order to work on N’s room, we have to rearrange the living room and parts of the basement.  In order to get to those parts of the basement, we have to organize other parts of the basement…some of which includes selling off certain items (like a waterbed, the waterbed mattress, an electric stove…so on and so on…if you know someone who needs something, let us know…)

We have discovered we need something along the lines of a beer fridge—more like a beer and fresh fruits and veg fridge…or maybe just a beer and condiment fridge…and we both got rid of so much stuff from our fridges before we combined them, but we still lack room all over the place…it’s bizarre.  Luckily, we still have my old fridge out in the shed.  We still plan to go through the main fridge one more time before we do this, but overall, we think the 2^nd fridge will actually be a benefit…and since, now that we live w R, the way we shop and eat and prepare food is different, the whole 2 fridge thing may actually only be temporary as well.

We also have two deep freezes.  One is a small chest and the other a larger chest.  We are planning to combine and condense and use only the larger chest.  Then we can sell the other chest.  First, we need to get the big one down into the basement.  Right now, it’s in the car port…plugged in…working fine…and thank goodness it has a lock, because w my son around, we need one that locks…the little snoop.  N is always on the look-out for popsicles and ice cream.

So much to do…at least we have time…and as much as we feel rushed at the moment, we all know we’re home and we’re good…that goes a long way to making things better when we all get overwrought here.

When Will My House Clean Itself Please?

     A house that cleans itself.  Does that not sound like the most amazing idea you have ever heard?  Bozena Chorazewicz offers up some delectable advise on making your house work for you.  The book she recommends, ‘Make Your House Do The Housework’ by Don Aslett, was published first in what looks to be 1986 (according to amazon) and was revised in 1995.  I am not knocking that.  I am actually amazed.  Do you know many other books written then that would be viable to you right this moment?

     Bozena gives you many suggestions from the book in her post.  Her post made me look around, as I am in the middle of all my ‘radical’ reducing and ponder a few things.

     Radiant heat is awesome.  I’ve been wanting to do it since I first saw it on one DIY network or the other in the mid-90s.

     I do like the whole premise though.  Cut down on clutter.  Instead of floor lamps, do ceiling lighting.  I may actually have to by Aslett’s book to see what else we can come up w to change the way we do things around here.  R and I are both not only into spending less time cleaning; we are also into finding the most green and most efficient way to do things. 

     There are, of course, several pitfalls in our application of making the house clean itself.  One…we have dogs.  Dogs shed.  Dogs track mud into the house.  Dogs roll in things.  Dogs…stink…on a variety of levels…no matter how often you bathe them or brush their teeth. 

     We now have bunnies.  Who also shed.  Who toss hay all over the place.  Who poop…constantly…their poop is round…it rolls…and they run around and kick and frolic and knock the poop all over the place.  Their hay can be dusty too.  Food pellets get treated much as the poop, knocked all over the place.  Both rabbits dig through their pellets to find the tasty bits.  I mean, they DIG through it, with food flying all over the place at times when the bun is in search of that very last black sunflower seed that has to be in the very farthest back corner of the feeder. 

     We have children.  Kids shed.  My kids can make dust in an empty space.  I don’t know how.  Both kids are dirt magnets.  Then there is also the general disorder that follows both kids around.  E’s job is to sweep up the bunny area…if I had swept the way she does when I was a kid, my mother would have killed me.  E gets about half of everything.  I’ve watched her.  I don’t think the broom touches things when it is in her hand.  She can sweep over a pile of hay, sweep stuff into the dust pan, and there still be more than half the pile sitting in the same place as she moves to the next place.  I do not for the life of me get that. 

Despite the fact that I am paring everything down, I am still a pack rat in some areas.  I make dolls.  I collect dolls.  I am not giving my dolls up because they get dusty.  Also, I have cups all over the place, some with crochet hooks, some with pens, some with nail files, whatever.  I need those because I hate to have stuff shoved into a drawer—I forget what I have and then will go out and buy more stuff.

I’m good w minimal furniture.  Although I love open floor space, I really appreciate having places for friends and family to sit and relax when they come to visit.  And w some family, it’s a better thing if they can sit on one end of the room while I sit at the other.

     No one ever mentions what to do to make your house clean itself when you have animals and kids running around.  Heck, even the fish tank causes issues.  The water will smell funny if it isn’t cleaned.  Thankfully, I amended the filter system w media of my own…as in instead of using the recommended filters made for that system, I took the components of a completely different system and used them instead.  So instead of the plastic frame covered w cotton that holds the charcoal in the middle…I have foam inserts, charcoal separate, and a third bacteria media that all fit into the filter (all of these are made for aquariums—just for different filter systems)—and it works five times better this way than w the intended filters.  Plus, I only have to clean up this system once a month, rather than every week.  It hasn’t done much to kill off the snails, but now that we have our light issue fixed (the tank is on a timer—the timer had been shut off so the fish got light 24/7—NOT a good thing—now they have plenty of dark) the botia are doing an amazing job of eating up all the shelled slimy slimies. 

     So, when you have kids and when you have critters, how do you make your house clean itself?  With a chair and a bull whip? 

     I personally prefer the FlyLady way.  Fifteen minutes to clean in any given zone.  Every day you have a plan.  No dishes left in the sink overnight.  Well, usually anyway.  I will never be able to get up in the morning and put on shoes to wear around my house all day long.  That’s my only issue.

     I can say that minimizing the amount of stuff in my life has really helped me focus more.  I thought the last time I went through my closets, when we were donating to the abused women’s charity, that there was no way I could part w anything else.  Then, w no one in mind to donate to, I went through the same closets again and tossed out so much more stuff.

     I have pared down my yarn stash…and set more restrictions upon that.  I bought the clear plastic containers to go through again and reorganize everything, so I can see what I have when I want to make something.  My friend Kerry, the horrible enabler that she is, passed on a 10% off coupon for knitpicks at the same time I read an email that had a picture of the most amazing sweater ever in it, Klaralund.  I had to have that pattern…and then Kerry does this…and instead of $30-35 for one book…I spent $60 for four books instead…boy, do I love Kerry!

I have minimized my clothes—while at the same time ensuring I have clothes that will turn my boyfriend’s head every time he sees me in them.  I have pared down my craft supplies and stashes.  I have tossed unused knitting needles, crochet hooks, and every manner of beast in between.  I decided not to put many things up on the walls in this house…mainly because to do so requires drilling a hole, not just tapping a nail in w a hammer.  That made me more aware of just how many things mean enough to me for me to display.  I didn’t think of it as cutting down on clutter…but yes, I can see that too.

I cut the size of my kitchen goods in half.  I have donated foods.  I have donated personal care items.  I have donated towels and rags to no less than three animal charities at this point.  I have downsized on all material fronts.

I am working fewer hours.  I am writing more.  I am spending more time with my family.  I am happier and I am healthier.  What else could I ask for at this point?

IT'S OFFICIAL

We FINALLY closed on the 70s house!!

It's all ours.

Welcome to the future....

Now the real work begins...

I'm A Bad Bad Girl Today, Baby

Oh, this is just fun. The netbook hooked up to a regular sized keyboard--who knew that could be so much fun?
So, not only can I have my gmail account open (on the desktop), I can work on this account (which is not connected to my gmail account--but to another account all together)--and still get everything done i want to get done.

First things first, unless there is a national natural disaster (Gods forbid), we close today around 2p.
First, why we won't ever use US Title again.
The mortgage was approved. So everything associated with the mortgage was done. US Title was supposed to be researching the property title to make certain the property title was clear. They chose not to do this. They chose to see if R was clear.
Now, since his divorce in 2000, R has gotten a second mortgage, and has refinanced his house three, four times. He also bought a brand new car during that time. Not once was there ever an issue.
US Title pulled something up that has never and still does not show up on R's credit report.
In his divorce, R was responsible for paying off some bill. He paid it off. neither her attorney nor his ever told either of them that she would have to go back and let the courts know he paid it off. otherwise, he would have made darned sure he told them and she told them.
Flash forward to the ultra insecure girlfriend before me...the one who had the need to eradicate any woman from his past. She threw out all the receipts that he was keeping for a reason. Canceled checks and the like. Funny how all her micromanagement insecurity keeps popping up (you should have read the doc she wrote for the dog sitter...I nearly cried it was so pitiful--so beyond micromanagement and so clear that she lacked any of the basic common sense most people have when dealing with a dog sitter...unless you have a 2 pound chihuahua who needs her mani/pedi every day sort of dog....) ... R had to prove this bill had been taken care of--the bank won't print checks older than 7 years...this was 8 yrs old...he was able to provide bank statements, which do not show to whom the check is made out, but it does show payment has been made.
He sent letter to the ex...and if she doesn't take care of this, he can take her to court to settle it and she is responsible for all the attorney's fees and everything. So all and all, not a bad thing.
it was brought to light and we can take care of it.
no real issue.
Other than the stupidity of ex's. At least the ex wife can be given some small credit, since no one mentioned she'd have to get off her butt and tell someone he took care of things. luckily, r did tell his attorney when he paid it off. So that's there as well.
The ex-girlfriend--oh--her we get to pick on her irrational fears and insecurities that much more...which is REALLY fun for me--because I have been here for 9 years...and she has hated me all along as one of his past conquests....which R and I have always found amusing...as have other people...but, I won't name names, basically because everyone I know always thought that was hysterical...

Now, why we won't be using Vinson (I may be spelling it wrong) mortgage ever again is a different matter...well, it would help if the person we were working with would actually learn how to call a customer back. I have never seen such appalling disregard for someone who is trying to give you their money before...such shoddy customer service.
Add into that the unprofessional appearances of their company. We should ahve closed yesterday. But we didn't. They were planning to change internet service providers next week. The day before yesterday, their current provider shut off all their service. So they were screwed until they could manage to get something up today. No, they cannot run numbers or anything else without having internet access. Which means, because they could not give us the total for the check to bring to closing, we couldn't close.
And today, again, we sit here waiting to be told how much to get a cashier's check for. This is the worst outfit I have ever seen. Dealing with this much money on the table, and the agent (L) cannot even be bothered to give you a call-back. when we were supposed to close this past Monday, someone (I forget who at this point) told R that the lady (I am assuming this means the seller's party or something) had already been contacted that the closing wouldn't be going that day....but no one called R to let him know that....
So...no more US Title for us and no more Vinson Mortgage for us.

Although I do believe the person R wanted to work w in the first place but who never really got around to returning phone calls realizes now that he missed a sale--and is now trying to be a gracious sales person...but we'll just have to see about him.

what is it about the real estate business that no one knows how to return a bloody call? from the real estate agents to the mortgage people...You would think these people would be more on the ball...but it's like this every time...ever since we bought the first house in AR...and I have heard complaints...nationwide...since I was a kid...sheesh...no wonder I didn't fight harder to take the test when I did the real estate sales agent course....(for those who didn't know or who forgot...I gave birth to N the day I was supposed to be taking the test--either the day of the test or very close to it...)

On to other things...

So, I finished my nano novel. Createspace will print my book for free (not just me, all Nano winners)...if I am done with the rewriting and the editing no later than July 1. As things stand at the moment, I meant to get out of bed this morning and start the next scene...since I have cut most of the non-essential stuff from this version...and as scary as it seems, i didn't have to cut as much as i thought I would...I merely have to move things around a bit and fill in the gaps. BUT...this is not a 50000 word novel. Maybe a 100000 word novel...but not 50000 words....but I am not planning to do much at all, except as the Muse hits me (as she did today, even though I have thus far ignored her....) until after we move...

I trust we are closing today. It's after the full moon...things are breaking open again and moving along. Something like an ice floe that was stuck and has broken into smaller pieces due to current or temperature or the striking of rocks or other things...or any combination thereof...now is the time to move forward...

I have needed the respite of staying at R's house the past ouple days. I hadn't realized how much I needed it.

Funny, how I have debated about putting myself out here in this forum, although that is what I am known for. I hate to think that knowing certain other people read this blog may cause me to censor myself more than I normally would. So, today I am trying to break through that. :-)

People who have known me for a very long time cannot get over the fact that I have never been raped. I'm easy. I used to drink too much. If you offered me something, anything but a needle, i did it. I hung out with people whose only goal was self-destruction. My best friend for many years truly was Death. One friend still picks on me--learning to deep throat was not the issue. The tricky part was not regurgitating when I did it, because I had had my stomach pumped so often, on top of other more bulimic issues. I have a hair trigger gag reflex.
What has R taught me here? That trust trumps hair trigger gag reflex--every time. Something the ex hub couldn't have convinced me of in a million years--namely because he and i both knew there was no reason to trust him. All these years later, and only now am I getting what other people joked and teased me about about the ex-hub when we lived in Fayetteville, AR...now I really get things that left me baffled back then.

Where am i going with this? Having the house broken into is akin to rape. I was never raped, and I hol to this, because you literally cannot rape the willing. there was never a need to take me by force. I was willing. I learned from the ex hub because of his first ex wife when I was 21 yo that I didn't have to have sex every time he wanted to--no one had ever told me that before...so maybe after that rape might have been an issue...but I wasn't running with the same wild crowd any more...by that time, T was in the process of completely destroying me...and he was the first person who preferred to sit and watch me to make sure the pills didn't kill me rather than take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped...twice he did this...because he didn't want people to look at him the wrong way...interesting huh? Yet, we have proof, I am the only woman in his life he did not physically abuse...makes ya wonder some days...not me though...I know better...what he did to me was so much worse...physical pain heals. Scars fade. What he did still bleeds to this day...but the thoughts of her return are more than enough to quell anything else...and the clock draws nearer and despite his best efforts--she does know how to find me...and I know how to find him...but I won't.

Back to the house (It's a full moon--Ive been quiet too long--I'm chirpy today...)--

I can't sleep in my own bed...the guys spent a great deal of time in my bedroom. They never touched my actual lingerie drawer...which i find funny. They found the toy drawer (most of the toys are at R's house--I'd just taken them that week--for a variety of reasons....) -- they had a field day w my panty drawer...I mean, we found panties in the den....
I admit, I have a lingerie fetish. it's how I live and breathe and know I am a girl. I don't wear the stuff for any man, although R loves it...I wear it for me and i always have.
E and I watch the Victoria Secret show every year, because R reminds us every year. But E and I both love the lingerie, the shoes, the make-up. E could do what I hedged around and never really went for...she could become the model...I took the fetish route and never went legit there...and then I found T and my life went to hell for the next way too many years...but I am teaching my daughter--you don't wear sexy bras or sexy shoes because the man in your life likes it--you like it or you don't bother...if the guy in your life doesn't like what you like, you are with the wrong guy. period. It's true. Trust me, the other ex was more than enough proof of that.
No matter how hard you try, being something you are not 100%, no matter what the reason, it never works for long...

The break-in...I was more upset over the cheesy poofs being gone--they were for N--and the ramen noodles being gone--those were for E. I am ticked off at the landlord. If he had done as he had promised and gotten us central air, we wouldn't have had that huge window a/c unit.
Then again, if he had had the torn roofing paper on the carport taken care of and the broken window from July taken care of, the city might not have thought the house derelict this summer and wouldn't have cut my lawn and all the rose bushes and lilac bushes and other shrubs and flowers we had planted....including 4 ft tall nandino bushes and 2 ft tall boxwoods--but that is another discussion...and one I will have no problem making public once I finish typing out the the list of things that need to be done to the house...because I plan to give this list not only to the landlord...but also to the city, as well as anyone else I can think to give it to...because ...well...I will just let that one go...but since i am not pursuing anything legally, I'll let it go. I was never going to pursue anything legally--but I was planning to move--and walk away from everything there.

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm grumbling.

The house is safer now that we pulled that a/c unit out and have left it on the back porch--we didn't have anywhere else to put it--and I don't want it. If the guy had told me he'd be putting in window units before I moved in--I wouldn't have moved in at all. And i told him that central ir was my sticking point. No central air and I was off to see some other house. But he promised, verbally, central air. Ah-yuh--look how that turned out. We won't go there.

That does nto mean the house is safe. It feels--different. I know how lucky we are. I also know how much protection went into that house. I believe that the break in happened for a reason.

I beleive at least one of those kids who broke in will never again in his whole entire life do anything the least bit untoward, much less 'bad'....this poor young man has learned his lesson. His mom is moving her family, the son and daughter, out of the neighborhood. Her own mother is the minister of their church. I think she said Alton or Belleville or something like that. But her son will not be permitted to remain in the proximity of usch stupid kids who have no goals in their lives.

I am not worried that this one boy is out of juvie. I was nto worried when he came over after school to talk to me, to see if he could do anything to help. I had jsut finished loading the pod, so there really was nothing. I felt so bad for the kid. He was nearly in tears. This boy feels the remorse. He gets credit.

I haven't seen the others--except for the two instigators that live right up the road. The ones whose mother doesn't care what they do. The ones who don't go to school. the ones who have nothing better to do than break in to their friends and neighbors houses to see what they can get...I do not think they will do anything...because the cops know they are the ring leaders...but that doesn't mean I need to be under their scrutiny or anything else....those two I truly beleive are corrupt and will not learn, because they just don't care. These are the type to go to jail, learn how to do more terrible things, and come out planning to do them...there is no hope for them...and that is their choice. But I'll be darned if I'll stick around for it...

I was just getting back into the space where i could drive, not a lot, not well, and conditions have to be just right or I get too nervous and have to pull over--and now my vertigo when R is driving is back.
However, i am stubborn personified at times. Once we have the go ahead--I will have no issues driving back and forth, loading and unloading, getting things moved from one venue to the next. I can see that coming. I can taste it at the edge of my mind...I know it's coming and I am prepared.

I hate to move. really I do. And yet...we move into this house, knowing R and I will be moving in together within the year...not into either of these houses, but into the bigger house with the land attached so we have woods and farmland and critters galore....hating to move will not stop me from moving though...I am simply hoping that after R and I move in together, there's not going to be a great deal of moving after that. traveling, yes. I know there will be a great deal of that--but the whole packing and moving...nope.

Funny thing, as we are set to moving, we are bringing things to R's house--and as we go shopping we are leaving stuff at his house--E found this huge bag of stuffed animals in the basement. R thought it was mine, since we had stuff in his basement for ever so long...but I told him--not ours. I am far more likely to toss bags of stuffed animals.

The ex girlfriend, in all her desire to be rid of all traces of his other exs--she totally missed that bag of toys--and some of the toys had the ex's name on them! That's how I figured out to whom they belonged. bag of hammers left some stuff behind. Yet the last ex, with all her weird insecurities and her bizarre sweeping through his house/basement to rearrange things and get rid of things, she never noticed that bag of toys? Funny.... the way that freaky woman's head worked...I mean, I work in circles...but she is so much stranger...I feel for her...

Now--on to other things--because I need to get them written down somewhere before I forget...

I have had a few ideas roaming around my head lately...mostly concerning the Nano book.
I have never actually finished an entire book before.
I have several books on how to build an online platform before you get known. I already have platforms out there...
I am thinking of dismantling most of the various different blogs and consolidating all the writing practice blogs into one main writing blog...which will lead to me picking up the blog I started to set up months and months ago and have as yet done nothing else....

But there are so many other things....

This is my list...so bear with me...

There is the landlord here I want to make sure everyone knows who he is so they are wary when they do business with him. He is a good guy, just don't expect much from him as a landlord.

There is this etsy store...I ordered a diapering system in July--and to date...nada...and the excuses don't fly.
i have contacted etsy--and ya know what, there is nothing etsy can do...
and since it's older than 30 days, you know what, there's nothing paypal can do....

I have a client who told me back towards last Christmas never to use paypal, because paypal has no direct power over anything. It's true. That lesson I learned. Although there are other ways to go about recouping losses. She gave me a great deal of information on those things. Pretty cool there.

But, no more etsy for me. Sorry. No more paypal, except under the strictest of guidelines...which is fine, since our other business accepts credit cards outright and we don't have to worry much about paypal there...

There are so many other things that are looking up.

I have a new schedule to set up...again that will have to wait until after the move is complete...

So--don't get me started on the move...one of the things I plan to do when we have the truck is buy more bookcases....and then there are the kids' requests...and a dining room table...

lol

I think this may take care of things for today--at least at the moment...I've been stalling.
Even at R's house, there is laundry to fold, turkey to dehydrate (E LOVES this stuff...R and I can leave it happily--but hey, E is overjoyed. Of course, we also say if we told E that R dehydrated it, we're pretty sure we could get her to eat dirt and sticks and rocks...as long as R dehydrated it. lol)

So, off I go...as more things crop up, I'll let you know.
Don't expect a lot from me for another couple weeks...but ya never know...

Closing

Delay on the house closing.

Not a deal breaker. At all.

Just a delay.

More to come.

If You Thought I Was Joking

This is the wallpaper in the master bathroom....

It looks much worse to me now than it did the first time I saw it....but then again...it had been a long day of looking at all sorts of houses...

Nuff said....

Been Meaning To Do This

I've been meaning to reach out and extend kudos to the ex--for weeks now.

This sounds mean, I know, but my intention is for the highest good I can manage, beyond him: he has been acting almost like a real human being for ...weeks?  Maybe even months... No.  Maybe months is pushing it somewhat.  I'll have to stick w weeks, but at least he has been making some clear and obvious efforts, for which I am grateful.  Better, the effort seem to be sticking.  Not his usual change for a week or two and then go back to his business as usual thing...

Maybe he will become that person he swears he already is one of these days.
He seems to be trying to learn how to communicate...that is amazing.
He's actually been talking to me as if I am a real human being and not some garbage he has to scrape off his shoe (which, in his defense, sadly enough, is how he treated me from the get go)--and not just about comic books or movies or websites, but like, about our kid and everything.  It's actually terrific--and I so so appreciate it!  On so many levels...

Two? Three weeks before halloween, he agreed that E could spend the night (N was begging to 'keep her' so hard--it's so pitifully adorable when he does the 'please..can we keep her...please routine....) .  My head spun over that for days afterwards.  The man actually made plans--weeks in advance.  This man who has so consistently been unable to commit to simple things (like can we go to the grocery store when you get back to the house this afternoon or how about lunch tomorrow), since we were dating, much less living together....agreed, weeks early, in advance.  It still takes my breath away.

He's done something like that a couple times recently.  The thing w Halloween, I wanted to kiss him (no, not like that)--it meant so much to E that he said yes...without his normal stalling or excuses or put offs.  He definitely deserves a cookie -- or  a chocolate ('big bang theory'--we love that show)--whatever.  He deserves kudos.  I am so proud of him and the progress he's making.

Another really big thing is he declined to allow N to receive the H1N1 vaccine.  I was so very relieved over that.  I had spent days working up email pleas in my head, knowing if I sent them he would be likely to march N out and get the shot that minute...in the end, I held my breath, prayed and let it go.  In the end, he didn't do it--and I am so so happy he didn't.
Go ahead.  Yell at me all you want about that.
Then go read the info on autism and how 1 out of 91 persons in the US is autistic these days. 1 out of every 91 persons.
Then read how China's autism rates sky-rocketed when they used the US vaccines for things like oh MMR--and how once they stopped using those vaccines autism rates plummeted--and then ask me, she who has stood there on foreign soil and watched how the US government told the US citizens back home one thing while doing another, if I believe the US reports about how nothing in the vaccines, mercury or otherwise, had anything to do w China's autism rates.  My big purple baboon butt it didn't.

I was already anti-vaccine before the reports of China and autism came out.
I was already anti-US government as a source of honesty and truth way way way before that--you don't come from military backgrounds and buy everything the government says wholesale...
A hundred years from now, people will be better able to strain the truth from the lies, but none of that will help us now...
Oh, did you forget I am that hippy dippy off the grid love peace and pass the ammo type of gal?
Sorry to disarm you so.
I'm still here.  My SO may be curbing my desires to do certain things, but he is not taking away the passions beneath.  Trust me.

I have always had bad reactions to the flu vaccines.  Always.  Dead vaccine.  Live vaccine.  Partially killed vaccine.  I won't let my kids have them.  I get so much sicker from the vaccines than from the actual flu I am supposed to be protected against--and then on top of that, after recovering from the vaccine, I always got the flu, and reacted worse to it than to the flus I got when I didn't get the vaccine. I don't do vaccines unless I have to anymore--and I never ever do flu vaccines.
I have learned, the hard way, the damage I may have caused by allowing the ear infection vaccine stuff for both kids when they were little.  My brother had such problems w his hearing due to infant ear infections.  I have significant scarring in one ear from childhood ear infections.  I thought a vaccine to prevent ear infections would be a good thing.  Nope.  Both kids have hearing problems...
And even as I did it, on the ex's prodding--since 'everyone' does it--that's his philosophy--I know the chicken pox vaccine for both kids is really going to haunt us at some point...

Enough of that tangent.
I am actually trying to be genuinely nice to the ex and tell him he's been an incredible and decent person lately.
Wish he had been this person all along.  Ye gods, would things have been so much easier on everyone then...

He can be a good guy.  Especially if he can open his mouth and talk.

What brought all this on today?

That 70s house.  :-)  

When we moved into this house (the Western Woods house, as we call her--yes, I name darn near everything) , our original intent had been to unpack, clean the place up, and then throw a house warming party.  Except, well, there was the accident...and by the time I recovered enough from that (accident was Nov--semi-recovery was not til March, if not later, if you can even claim I am recovered at this point now) the house was showing its other colors and I had no desire to have anyone enter the house, much less a desire to entertain...

With that 70s house, I have ROOM...at first, I was thinking--I can buy furniture...I can do this....I can do that....
No.  I don't want to.
Look.  It's November.  I try to do as little shopping as is humanly possible after the first week or two of November.  Even when it comes to grocery shopping.   I hate to add to any positive statistics about sales increasing during the 'holiday' season.

Number one: I don't want a lot of stuff to clutter up the new place.  I may bow down and buy another couch, since our current one is going in the basement for the kids--because the basement is the play area and there will be a minimum of toys allowed in the bedrooms (only stuff to sleep w)--which is why I wanted a basement in the first place! (Not to mention, yarn stash, fabric stash.....)
Number two: I hate making anyone's numbers 'look good', as if me going shopping in Nov/Dec can save the world by increasing someone's sales or something.

I have certain things I have committed myself to buying...a set of bunk-beds...an electric fireplace (or stove)...and a decent dining room set (which is going to be interesting to find considering what I am looking for w that....)...and a queen sized mattress set since E is getting the canopy bed and I am going to use the bed my dad gave us...and that will mean queen sized sheets as well...
I will also need to buy some shelving units, good ones....and at least three more bookcases--but these last two things are things I was planning to buy anyway regardless if we moved or not....

That's it.  Oh, no, it isn't.  I want new glasses, drinking glasses.  But that's not a big deal.  It's not as if we can't manage w what we have.

With this house, I can throw all our stuff in it, arrange said stuff, have room and more room, which I have missed (funny, how now we are leaving, issues w this house that have bothered me all along that I have ignored are now really bothering and rankling me), yada yada yada, I will be able to throw that house warming party.

Here's where I've been trying to head with this, really.

I can invite the ex, his sister and her family, R and anyone else I can pry loose from their houses (I have hermit friends--we hermits have to stick together :-) ) --the thing is--R and T can be in the same house, in the same room even.  They don't like each other.  T and R have never gotten along.  R and I have always been attached in one way or another, friends for 9 years now.  T didn't like R long before I got pregnant w N.  BUT, both men can be decent enough human beings to be in the same room together without making a scene.  It's very important to E that her cousins come to the new house.  And w this house, I won't feel like I'm crushing the girls into a small space w nothing for them to do.  There will be room for A to stay over now.  I still won't have cable or satellite tv.  I still won't own a game system--although R and I have been discussing the educational games for E on the Wii....

I know I can invite both men over at the same time.  It won't be a happy happy joy joy scene.  They are never going to be hugging good friends or anything.  But, it's not going to be horrid either.  They won't speak to one another if they don't have to, but they will both be decent for the sake of the others, for the sake of the kids.  I like that.

Not everyone can say similar things about their exs.  I don't think the other ex would tolerate R's presence for a second if he were involved in any capacity.  They worked together, when R and I weren't anything more than friends, and unless he had to or wanted something the ex never even spoke to R.  And I know he was spoken to several times about his unprofessional behavior towards R over the years.

It's kinda sucky to say that of the ex's between R and me, T is the most mature and grown-up.  He may not like R, but he won't cause a scene about things.  It's a good thing to know.  It's a good thing to have between all of us.

We are still taking bets about the conniption fit R's ex will have the first time she sees us together.  I like my odds on that bet.  The one that says she storms off and rants and raves at everyone else without a word to us.  She thinks I am the one who ruined their relationship.  Funny.  By her own admission, the relationship was over well before I even considered moving back to this area.  She just didn't break it off because nothing better had come along for her.  I fail to see how her inability to communicate and her fear of commitment has anything to do with me.  He was planning to buy her a ring--before I even thought of moving back--and she killed that idea real quick w her insane behavior--the whole ring idea, it was gone--before I ever considered moving back.

Let's not go off on a tangent there.  She is just so fun to watch.  She was always so uber concerned w what complete strangers thought about her.  Now, she is showing her true colors, and showing her a** to the entire world, becoming the butt of so many jokes from her own 'friends' it is almost shameful to watch.  So far, my odds on her are winning.  If she weren't so bloody insipid, I might feel bad for her.  That woman has some serious issues to deal with--that have nothing to do w me, or R, or anyone else but herself.  Actions prove it all out, baby.  This chick is proving out some very interesting things.

But--I do for her what I do for all my exs and for all the stupid people in my world--and it is an HONEST wish too, for my intentions are actually pure, as evil as that is, because I understand the breadth and width and depth of it:
I wish she gets everything she wants and thinks she deserves, for the rest of her life.

And with that. I will pat my own decent respectable trying to evolve and showing improvement ex on the back--because he is doing such a good job there, trying anyway....

Here's to a better future.

House Update

The bid on that 70s house was accepted!

No bartering.  No haggling.  Just beautiful.  Sure thing.  The house is ours.  Wah hoo!

Now--I have to find a way to continue to write my Nano novel--pack the house--move (like, me? like, drive?  like, no way!)  and still do all the other things I have to do during the day...

The first inspection is this Friday.  R will be there.  N doesn't have school that day, so he'll be w me.  N isn't quite up to par w spending the night at R's house yet.  There is joy to be had having a child like N.  Sometimes that reticence and that need for known places and known rhythms is a very good thing for his mother.  Trust me.    I am not above using that to my advantage.

R will be there.  I have to tell him what to take pictures of for me -- the things I wanted to check.  I would like to be there for the inspection, but we're not certain who is going to be there.  With the inspector, our real estate agent, quite possibly their real estate agent.  R.  Then add in our two kids.  Certain mayhem--at least for me.  I have really good kids, and I know it.  But it's difficult on me to keep track of everyone, especially if N decides he's in a happy ornery mode.

So, R and I are on our way!  We are officially real estate investors now.  Even though the first house belongs to me.

Pictures to come--as soon as I have some....

Pushing Away The Malaise

Monday we were at R's house all day.  I don't really do much other than work when we're there.  Except read.

Tuesday I took off darn near completely.  It takes a lot to recover from spending the night w R.  It sounds so bad, but it isn't.  It's very hard to go from sleeping that well in his arms to having to sleep alone...it's a whole different world.  He says we are addicted to sleeping w one another...it's true.  It is also so much more than that. Neither one of us has ever been this comfortable w anyone else in our previous relationships...

I watched Bones season 4 all day yesterday.  I started Monday night after R went home...I didn't even make it through half of disc one then.  But E and I had such a blast hanging out and watching it.  Bones is E's most ultimate hero ever...and watching the show together enables me to get a great many points across to E when I least expect it.

Today--I woke up to take calls.  And then I went back to sleep.  I slept til E crawled into bed w me when she got up, which was about noon.  Yes, I let her stay up to watch the episode before the very final one of Bones season 4 before shuttling her off to bed last night...

It's Wednesday.

The Pink Elephant wore her ballet slippers yesterday and danced around for me.  She has a set of hiking boots sitting ready by the bedside.  When I woke up this morning, I was not at all surprised to find her knitting.  Elephants have no opposable thumbs, just a trunk.  I am a huge Babar fan from way back, so I know elephants can knit.  This one was using big needles, but nothing bigger than a US 19 or so, working a blanket in bamboo stitch.  It's a bit funny.  Wooden needles.  What looks like to me the white bamboospun yarn from hobby lobby.  The bamboo stitch.  My mind works in the weirdest of ways sometimes, really.

Not only do I have a plethora of housework to catch up with, but a whole new realm of let's pull stuff from the attic--because I did save some boxes from the first move (the one where there was no accident--as the boxes that went through the accident held too much bad mojo for me to deal w), but I have so much online to catch up with as well...Manic Monday, an article I have had in my head since we went to WV for the Halloween Blog Party...Talkative Tuesday...and today is Wednesday, so I have to make a wish and wish for and with others as well...here I go to get started....

Peace....

Oh, one last caveat...keep a candle lit for us...we're making a bid on our house today.
In case you thought I was joking about the carpet or the wallpaper (R took very little T pictures; he took the practical R pictures :-)  but I did have him snap the one bedroom wall...)

Here's the basement:

And here is the one wall in what will one day be E's room:

Part of our new backyard:  

Yes, it is even bigger than it looks...it's terrific.  There is another tree on the other side of the yard as well....I can't wait to actually be able to start planting things....but that just me....

General Update

            Ok.  So I think I am understanding why I set up the other blog.  I have a mentor on hand at the moment who is trying to help me get my business and my professional life sorted for better…actualization of my plans?  For lack of any other description than that at the moment.  I am withholding judgment and a good many other things until I am certain of anything.  But, hey, at least we are moving forward here.

            Speaking of moving….we looked at houses this weekend.  We spent Sunday afternoon perusing a few open houses, with E in tow.  The original intent was to get a feel for what we (bf and I) are both after in a home together.  Well, we found an incredible house that we both love.  Three acres of land.  A fenced backyard for the dogs.  Tons of room inside.  A fireplace.  An incredible kitchen.  A wooden deck out back.  Ah.  At least the bf is checking into the viability of us actually getting this house.  We already have an offer in mind.  Money to put down.  Plans for the basement and so many other things.  It’s beautiful.  And if not this one, then there are plenty of others out there just waiting for us. 

            I have been running on a lot of energy from others lately.  Haven’t really stayed my own course through.  Too many what ifs and assumptions going on in my world.  Things are never dull here.

            I watched Underworld the Rise of the Lycans Sunday night.  Well, ok, so for a lot of it I was asleep on the bf’s chest w the girl curled up against my legs, but I got the gist of things.  I really like this movie.  I am impressed with it, very much.  I would like to point out that Sonia was blonde in the Evolution film, and far more pregnant than she was in this one, but overall, this was an excellent flick, in and of itself, and it tailored itself in nicely to the other two movies.  I really like that.  Some of the characterizations were off just a touch, but not enough to really set my teeth on edge.  I do like the trees in this movie, of all things.

           

            Which leads us to another segue here…upon recommendations and amazon reviews I bought Alwyn Crawshaw’s Ultimate Painting Course…I need more than this book offers…I was looking for something particular and this book isn’t it, although it is a very good book, please do not get me wrong—there is a lot of information to be had in this book….one thing I got from my original skimming of this book is the decide what you want to paint…decide your favourite subject….mine is trees.  The second I paused on that section of the book to read it, I knew.  Trees are my thing.  Not ‘landscapes’ or forests or anything so..vast..or maybe so typical…but trees.  Individual trees.  With their gnarled twisted branches and vast array of branches off shooting from other branches.  I saw an amazing tree this weekend…you could not see the tree for all the vines and ivy crawling up and over the thing…it had already dropped all its own leaves, but was green from root into the branches from its symbiotes.  Or parasites, depending upon how you look at it. 

            I also watched the Other Boleyn Girl.  Now, I have studied Queen Elizabeth.  I studied her sister Queen Mary, barely, but still.  Mostly in regards to Elizabeth and not really into her own life or times.  I have also studied Mary Queen of Scots.  I have never really delved into the complexities of Henry’s court or anything of that nature.  I did not know Anne’s sister bore the King a son, much less a daughter.  I knew only on the periphery that someone had bourn the King a son.  I’d never researched farther into it.  This movie was very well done.  I love the way things came together.  I love the way things were portrayed.  As annoying as I found the view points often shown through the walls and barriers, I understand that is how court was held then.  Someone was always listening.  Someone was always watching.  Be it maids or servants or other royals.  There was always someone there, even at the privy box door.  I was not all together certain of Eric Bana  pulling off King Henry—but he actually did a terrific job.  Although all I have been able to think since the end of that movie was they called Anne a Witch—because her uhm girly  bits had the power not only to change one man’s religion, but to change an entire country’s religion in the process.  She changed the world by the power of her girly bits.  Such is the power of girly bits, people.  If you know how to use it, you can control the world.  So it has been writ the universe over since the dawn of time.  However, I do think it is time to invest some study into the machinations of that court prior to Elizabeth….I love this sort of thing.

            My son ‘reconstructed’ one of my journey dolls for me this weekend,  Funny thing is, it was something I myself had wanted to do, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I think now she is even more lovely.  He broke off one stick, the one that was much longer than the other.  Now they are about the same length.

            I must do research on kachina dolls.  I will reveal more of the project later on, but I need to make two bodies for kachina dolls.  I am not making the heads/masks.  Only the bodies.  Hmm.  Very interesting.  I have been looking for something to push me to buy the armature wire I have been wanting, to try out some of the ideas in my brain…..

but which avenue do I go?  Traditional kachina…or my more …known…safer…spirit doll body methodology….research research here we come….

           

            I have also been asked to knit (or crochet) something for a friend.  She offered to pay for it, but I will not hear of that.  I need to go stash diving in order to pull the yarn, but this is going to be fun.  J  I love things like this.  Maybe I will be able to finish the other project I have had in mind for this friend…for months now…I’ve even started several times only to frog it every time.

            Does anyone have a good recommendation for a toe up sock pattern book?  Now that I am so proud of myself over the Turkish cast on, I want to make the bf socks.  He’s going skiing in Feb and I am supposed to knit him some ski socks.  I have no clue what that means yet, as I plan to take the man to a couple yarn stores to check out yarns before I commit to anything yet.  My red Venus doll, which is what started this entire process, is coming along quite well, in my opinion.  I am eager to see how she looks once she is finished….I still need to figure out what I want to do with the Kali Ma pattern.  I know I want to make her…I just have to do it.  Still wish there were a Sri Ganesh pattern available from the same designer.  I love her patterns.  I have four or five now.  Even though I have only finished one doll from the patterns I’ve bought.  I shall have to research toe up sock patterns and books in a bit as well. 

            I have pulled information and prompts from another writer’s group I am supposed to be a part of and haven’t really done too much with lately.  I shall begin posting prompt session from them as soon as I am able. 

           

            When I sat down last night and began to go through the ‘assignments’, it dawned on me that other than planning things for the NaNoWriMo project, I have not been in control of the topics of which I have been writing lately.  I have been working from prompts and more prompts.  This is not a bad thing.  I am writing.  I am just wondering at the path I am currently taking, wondering if I am setting myself up for something else down the road.  We’ll see.  I am writing and that is good enough for me at the moment.

            Speaking of prompts, I am off to see the textyladies for Talkative Tuesday.  Plus, I do need to rewrite last week’s prompt as well….

            TTFN….

Too Much Time

I spend so much time trying to catch up with myself.
I really hate that.
Priorities.
I am always telling other people-it's your priorities.
You give the time to the things that are most important to you.
You work from and act on the things (and people) that are most important to you.
Those are your priorities.

What are my priorities?

Bird food on the floor bothers me to NO end.
Do you know my rug in my living room has been completely ruined-and not entirely by my son-but mostly by my daughter-who ought to know better (not that my son doesn't-but he is a bit of the bull in the china shop...)
Dog fur seems to grow in the corners, not just on the dog, but whole new puppies seemingly coming together in the nooks and the crooks and the shadows.
Dishes pile up in the sink and I glower at them as I pass.
Someone needs to make tea--and I am suffering the loss of my tea drop these days-ever since my daughter burnt my tea cozy to a crisp-and then the tea pot itself broke when something somehow tumbled down off a shelf onto it-but we won't name names about who might have done that (E!).
Do we need to discuss laundry? Or the fact I mean to go through my linen closet and donate so many towels and whatnot to the local animal shelters?
Or that my mending box is not just full to overflowing--but has taken over and overflowed a second box.....
These are things I just don't always get to when I know I should be getting to them.....

I am tired of fighting myself.
I am even more tired of fighting my daughter-but I can't do much about that. it is the nature of young children. She is in the haunting phase, among other things.....

I am more tired of fighting myself. I am not Sylvia Plath. I cannot get up at 3-4 in the morning to wrestle with my writing, maintain a perfectly clean and tidy home and dote on my children and man endlessly before crashing to bed at too late an hour to justify my being able to get up at 3-4 in the morning the next go round.
That isn't me.

I am not a complete slob. Although I do live with one. And a bird. Did I mention I am not really a bird person?
I am putting myself under way too much stress.
I worry about the ex. I worry about the kids. I worry about the neighbors. I worry about the rug. I am terrified and worried about the future. I cry myself to sleep too often to count.
I can't go to sleep. I can't wake up. I am not working enough-but I am working too much.
I stand in the doorway looking out and watching the roses grow. If nothing else, I am very proud of myself for defying the ex's in my head (and who arrive at my doorstep) and planting my roses in a semi-circle I can see from my front doorway--which is where I will stand half the day to watch birds and traffic and grass grow and weeds overtake the lawn--in which I take a perverse delight. I love dandelions....

I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of trying to catch up with myself. I am tired of guilt-tripping myself. I am tired of my obstinate refusal to do anything else except what I want to do when I want to do it in order to impress people who don't actually exist outside my head anyway, except the ex, and I fail to understand why I feel the need to show him I am such a good person anyway--everything is lost upon him.

This is my pledge: I am going to stop trying to catch up with myself. I am just going to be me. Me says I want that hour of Yoga in the morning-because first thing in the morning is the best time for me to do my asana practise.
Me says I want to have that hour after Yoga for writing. I write best first thing in the morning-and late into the night, when I should be in bed asleep if I plan to get up in the morning for either Yoga or writing.
Me says-my art work comes first. The dishes aren't going anywhere. We are not crawling in bugs-the dishes don't stink up the house-and they haven't been sitting there for over a month (Let me tell you about my friend C's house one day--she bought new dishes rather than wash them--hoping some friend would come over, get disgusted and wash her dishes--I HATE dishes and I would go to her house and wash things up because it was so gross...and that was only the kitchen....)

Me-I am no longer going to catch up with myself. I am still going to grouse at the kid about her stuff--but her stuff is not my stuff. Grousing at her is just par for the course until -- I guess until I die or she dies or something. I don't know yet. I can't see a solution here, short of letting someone else come in and fix things. I'm just the mom. She's not going to believe I know what I am talking about til she has kids of her own-which is when and how I realised my mother was not completely insane myself.

Me--I am going to be happy with myself if I finish an art project, even if there are dishes in the sink. I am going to be proud of myself when I finish that poem, even if there is nothing to drink but water in the house (side note--we're Southerners here-if we don't have sweet tea in the fridge we might just DIE!). I am going to be happy with myself if I can find two matching (or not) slipper socks to wear in a day, even if I have big piles of washed and dried laundry sitting in the basket for nearly a month (ok-there's where my month long travails come in) so long as I have tried something amazing to make me smile for the day.

I am ok with the fact that I will probably never be a perfect house keeper. I know after the kids are gone I will still have dogs--and the kids will come back--with kids of their own. I am ok with this.
I am ok with the fact that I do not have extremely high expectations of how I want my house to look or how I want to look or anything like that.
I want to be happy. I want to be content with myself.
That is what I am aiming for.
That means keeping up with my writing. That means keeping up with my drawing. That means keeping up with my painting. And all the other really weird things that I do. Or try to do.

It means I am ok just being me. Without having to castigate myself all the time about what I should be doing rather than working on my art.
My art is who I am.
As long as my house is reasonable, I'm ok.

But then again-I spend alot of time at that kitchen table, working with paints and things. And I have this thing about my kitchen and my area being clean before I work on anything--even if I leave piles of magazines and folders and glues and paints all over the table for weeks on end. :-) Although technically I do clean half the table off every week-end when N comes because he thinks it is so utterly cool to eat at the table--he has to climb up into the chairs. He thinks he is too cool. And he really is.

This is my goal. To stop fighting, to stop pushing, to stop guilting. To be me and be happy.

Week-ends Are Rough For Me Right Now

Week-ends are rough for me these days. It's not just my son--or the way everyone else in the house reacts to him--the dog wants to worship him and play with him-but his dad isn't (ha!) a dog person--and so N portrays that attitude for the first day he's here--then the dog is still a puppy and she weighs the same as the kids anyway so she's the jumpy yappy friendly foot in the face sort--which bugs everyone. The bird gets LOUD because N doesn't sit still--and everyone buzzes all over and around and up and down and the tv plays frakkin' cartoons most of the time {It is interesting to note the bird dislikes the ex to the point of nearly acting afraid of him--she shuts her beak and goes into her corner to recline w one eye open and waiting for him to leave. The second he's gone, she's happy and perky and chirpy all over again. She won't even tch tch tch at me when he's here. Interesting.} Both kids have jealousy issues when sharing me, the tv, the toys, the food, the couch, the chairs, the floor, the air in the house. Sibling rivalry--woo hoo. Add into it the dog and her jealousy--and her intense desire to hoover up every little nugget N drops or hasn't yet dropped.....madness ensues.

This week-end is a little worse for me. Let's see. New Moon. PMS. Storms and weather changes galore. New Moon also means things are slow on the network all week--which always makes me nervous, even though I know things even out in the end. Best friend has an idiot for a girlfriend (so-called) -- and he received notice he'll be out of a job come July. And I had an extremely intense Session yesterday. Extremely intense.

Although I have most of the unpacking and sorting done-I do not yet have my den back yet. Technically, I won't have my whole den back til my shed is built because of the lawn mower (stop giggling) sitting there waiting to be used. Yes, in my den. But it bugs me I am not doing more there. On the week-ends I tend to really hide more and refuse to do much of anything except play, and wash clothes (wash and dry-not fold). This week-end I had to strip my bed down to the foundation to take up the old bed skirt (child torn and dog chewed!) and replace it w the one my dad bought. My dad did a great thing--he bought me a bedding set--bed skirt, complete sheet set (fitted, flat, 2 standard pillow cases, and 2 shams) plus 3 different sized/shaped throw pillows. All in an ocean theme--they have shells all over them. Does anyone get the irony and the giggle there??? Do you know how divers find octopus homes? They look for the pile of discarded shells! Well, it is true. Funny thing is the sheets are all in a nice blue colour, my usual normal colours, but my bedroom is done --or will be anyway-- in deeper shade of reds, almost pink but not quite (remember I am so not a pink person-but I do have a thing for red walls....it's the Jew in me, I swear--you have to know my friends in high school--J always told me there had to be one red wall in every Jewish home-I cannot recall why at the moment--but I remember the wallpaper, with the gold gilding all over in a curlicue pattern, and I have loved red walls ever since....).
I strip the bed-wash everything from the mattress up because something has set dumb dog off twice in the past week and she's peed on the bed--once in front of me--when she had the audacity to look her when I clobbered her w the phone base--since I was on a call with a client the only thing I could do at the moment I saw her and savvied WTF she was doing. So I washed everything--used lots of vinegar to kill whatever was setting her off--for all I know the bedspread smelled like N and she was marking her territory. I love my dog-some days more than others-really.

I cannot in good faith remake the bed with the clean new sheets--two little nasty kids (and yes, they usually take no less than 2-3 baths at day when N is here--we won't go into why, but the nasty part does not entail the level of dirt upon said butt) wallowing in gods knows what and stuffing it in between my nice clean sheets. I have this really weird thing for nice clean fresh sheets. The kind of thing which requires I take a nice hot shower before retiring for the night so that my whole body is clean when I slide between two freshly laundered sheets. Well, kiss that good-bye. I had to put the bottom sheet on to cover everything up. Then I put a flannel sheet over it--one my mother gave me. It was once my grandfather's. It had worn thin; she gave it to me to turn into rug yarn and make a nice comfy rug. I have yet to have the heart to do this because this thing once covered my grandfather during his dying days. Now it has dog shred marks in it because E could not listen when I told her not to get under anything --as she was using the new comforter before she took up the sheet (yes, the comforter is also ripped and in need of repair) and the pillows and whatever other blanket and sheet she could find to 'play with' with the dog--as in E goes under the covers and moves her hands/etc to tease the dog--the dog snaps and grabs and chews--and rips. I have yelled about this I don't know how many times. I cannot tell you the number of toys, blankets, sheets, articles of clothing, I have had to repair--or am currently not in the mood to repair--because of this game--and E KNOWS it and doesn't stop anyway. Her logic is I won't yell if I am on a call for work--she fails to recall the screaming can and will ensue the second I hang up. And she wonders why I refuse to buy her a nintendo DS or a WII or a freakin' pony. (I've looked--the miniature horses are house-keepable and about the size of a German shepherd--and house-trainable! Just don't ask WHY I did that research, uhm kay...).

I have told this child no less than 100 times today I am over-stimulated and not dealing well with the noise levels and the energy levels or the utter chaos of this week-end. Her solution entails getting N to play with her, right beside me, and cajoling both the boy and the dog to loudly play and freak out right up against me. I want to poke my eyes out with red hot pokers, ok. My nerves are shot and I am begging to be left alone for a mere ten to fifteen minutes so I can re-group and re-shield and not feel so close to implosion/explosion/both at the same time. Not a chance. The boy would be ok with this-he gives me a little space when I need it-he has the skill and the respect to see I need that small space and he is fine giving it to me--even if he might trundle in to see me and make sure I'm ok before ducking back out. E lacks that facility-completely. So did her biological donor, so I am not faulting her. But I often stare agape at her lack of intelligence when I am obviously ready to start screaming and she still blithely continues along pestering the bejesus out of me just to pester me.
All those clean blankets and sheets--tossed onto the floor, between my rocking chair and the pillow pit, trampled by kid and dog alike. My head hurts. I don't want to think anymore.
But I have to, because it is raining. Our yard is a puddle and the dog wants to go out. We planted strawberries for E in a little metal container yesterday. I am fairly sure they're going to die. Temperatures dropped to the 40s and the container is full of rain. And I could care less at the moment. The dog goes out-and doesn't just do her business and come in. She tromps through the mud and muck. She wallows in the puddles--at least she does not roll in them. But she gets good and wet. Today I have been lucky--she was so interested in the parrot sticks I threw out that she neglected to dig any new holes. So no muddy feet with which to contend. (Parrot sticks are sticks I use in the bird cage. Instead of buying them, I pull ones that have fallen in the yard and clean them before putting them in the cage. When they get gross, I toss them back outside and get new ones.) Where does the dog go anytime I let her back in the house? Well, usually she checks the living room floor.....my poor rug. And then--then she hops up into my bed, sprawls out and snores until the kids claim her attention again. So, of course, I have a blanket thrown over the bed--but due to the pillow pit (the pillow pit is every available pillow, throw pillow, blanket and whatever clean laundry I do not immediately pick up and put away. It is where N plays and jumps and hides all day. And he has taken to falling asleep there at night. He never sleeps there all night--it's too far away from touching me--and yes, I sleep w my hand reaching out to touch him, which annoys him to no end. He still wakes up and crawls in beside me just to be close to me. Even when I kick the space heater on on high and we all really just sweat our butts off. He crowds me on one side--she crowds me on the other. The dog has learned to sleep on the floor. I hear push me or throw me into the pillow pit the whole time he's here--from E and N both.)
My real issue with the pillow pit? It isn't actually the laundry or the blankets. It's the fact that usually my bed is about 1-1 1/2 feet from the kimono-covered wall. With the pillow pit, my bed is nearly touching the other wall--no mean feat that.
My bedroom is my sanctuary. On the week-ends--it is defiled. I never feel right on the week-ends. My den, my other room of refuge, is not a viable solution. My bedroom is a total mess. I cannot even stand to go near my living room -- and it's NOT all the boy. The girl destroyed the couch somehow this time--I finally figured out how to cover it so the boy would not decimate it - so she found a way to do it instead. I cannot get across how very very much this pisses me off to no end--as many times as I have explained about the whole N and the couch and the stains thing. I just cannot go there. I am so choked up with anger at the moment. It is other-worldly.
We won't go there--where she pulls all this garbage out of her room and fills the entire living room to the point where nothing living can manage to enter the area, much less sit to watch tv or anything. Then she leaves, because it's too messy for her to play in. Shoot me. Shoot me. I watch this child, thinking god she is so smart, so intelligent--and so frakkin BLONDE it is not funny. There is just some disconnect somewhere--and the only real solution to the problem I have not and will not try (despite all my threats to the contrary) is beating the living tar out of her until she doesn't do things like that anymore. I can't do that. I'd hate myself too much for it. But I am getting more willing to turn her over to my mother and let her do it. (Note: my mom is in MD--like 13 hours away--it's not going to happen--it's just a threat).

Grrrrr...if I don't stop going down that road I won't stop at all........


And no, I am not taking things out on the kids, other than to turn and say leave me the heck alone for a few minutes and to lock myself in the bathroom as often as I can--which I have to do anyway in order to take a client call on the week-ends. It sucks to have N screaming and crying on the other side because he's afraid the toilet monster is going to get me--or something. Thankfully, I only get that once, maybe twice, a month. Otherwise, he beats on the door and demands I let him in. I fI open the door and he sees me, he then goes away and leaves me alone--he just wants to know I am ok.


I know there is a way out of this fervor. When I figure out what it is, I will do it. I just hope I figure it out soon enough.