Monday Goal-Setting (July 26)

      Monday … today started WAY too early.  My insomnia is not improving…it’s been getting worse and worse…maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s the time of year.  Maybe it has something to do w the distraught state of our house…  Hopefully, that will get better soon.

      So…what am I going to do this week?  It’s a busy week, even without any of my own stuff in it.  R has tons to do.  His dad is going into the hospital to have knee replacement surgery…there’s golf, maybe two nights.  Jazzfest, which E really really looks forward to every week.  R was too sick for us to go last week, even though he told me the kids and I should still go.  Nope.  Not while he’s sick. Plus, there is a float trip coming up this week-end too.  *sigh* so much to do …

      But, I have all this ^other^ time on my hands?  What exactly are my plans?  (If I write them down and make them public, will I not have a much better chance of actually accomplishing something??)

      N’s room…my top priority.  E has her room all to herself.  Now it’s time to pull all the not N stuff out of N’s room.  This entails moving one dresser into the basement and one dresser out of the basement.  A lovely wooden storage chest is also basement bound.  I also need to go through all his clothes…he’s a husky little thing…not to mention, we can’t find where he took off his sandals…weeks ago…we are still looking.  Hopefully, we can finally find them.

 

      If I were really good, I’d clean out the fish tank.  We have lots of little babies running around … even orange ones, and more spotted ones.  If I were really really good, I’d get R to sit down to hold one bun or the other and groom my rabbits…because they are in sore need of it…why I had to get angoras is beyond me.  Sure sure sure.  The whole spinning thing.  It sounded good at the time.

      Rabbit note:  I am this close to only having one rabbit…I keep telling myself it takes 2-3 months after getting your rabbit fixed for all the testosterone to leave his little system…if Simon doesn’t quit marking his territory to prove that’s his side of the cages, I think I might be having braised rabbit for dinner here soon.  Charley calmed right down after surgery.  Humper bunny Simon though is still…bonkers.  Patience, of course, is not my virtue.  But in this case, I am trying. 

      Btw…do you know how to tick a dog off?  Give your bunnies each a piece of zinger (yes, a small piece) and don’t give the dog any.  Drives the dog nuts. (dogs here are not allowed to beg, even though they try to get away w it…which is why the buns got zingers in the first place) Kids don’t much seem to mind though…maybe because I like the yellow zingers and they like the chocolate ones…

      Sand and repaint the blue dresser.  N inherited this dresser, I think from his great grandfather?  It was ugly when we got it.  It had chips and pieces knocked out.  So I repainted it…and added some texture to cover up bumps and dings on the sides…I changed the handles…and I totally did not think about it but I basically painted it the Blues team colors (which is T’s favorite sports team—and the only St Louis sports team I have anything to do with here).  Well, the paint has been …ahem…burned in several places (from incense) and the whole side panels thing is bothering me…plus, I just simply do not like it anymore.  N helped me pick out colors yesterday…I have to sand the thing down…remove all the stuff (it started out as tissue paper and kid’s school glue, then painted over—it is a pretty cool effect—I am just…tired of it) on the sides…and start over.  With claret wine and nutmeg paints…I am not sure yet which paint is going to be the focal paint and which the accent paint…but for some reason, those are the two paints we chose.  Oh, we chose those because home depot did not have much selection in the realm of red…candy apple red was not nearly where I wanted to go…but these two will do quite well.  Plus, I’d like to get this done before N comes this week-end.  He can be very *helpful* at times.  Then again, so can his sister.

      Our closet in the master bedroom is enough to make me shriek right now—so that has to be done.  Since we are STILL waiting for Mr Sandless (it’s a lovely game of phone tag, it is.  The guy, Lou?, will call R at work on R’s cel, and R cannot always grab the cel when it rings.  Lou says call me any time, here’s my office number.  I’ll be here til 5.  Here’s my cel.  Call me anytime.  R can call back within 5 minutes of Lou leaving the message, well before 5 or whatever time Lou gives—and gets voice mail at the office number and the cell number.  Isn’t that just convenient?  And I am not talking once or twice—I am talking every single time.  No matter when R calls, it’s always voice mail.  Ask me again why we will never use them again and why we will never recommend them to anyone…).  I have pretty much had it.  Our closet floor has been in disarray because we’ve been waiting for Mr Sandless to come complete their job…if you missed why, read this post….  This week, I am putting it all back together the way it ought to be.  Why?  Not only because it is driving me crazy…but because, according to Murphy’s Law, as soon as I do that, Mr Sandless should become magically available and be able to come out the very next day to actually finish out the closet the way they were supposed to that very first time.  This will also help me clear out N’s room, since we put most of our closet stuff in his room/in his closet to get it all out of the way.

      I must work more on my knitting instructor’s program…I have three swatches done…and I think one of those swatches needs to be redone…who knew ribbing would be so contrary?  My goal is to have the first four modules done by the end of the week…knock on wood.  As I continue to read forward into things, I am actually worrying about things.  Now, I am able to do colorwork (thanks to EZ’s Knitting Workshop)…I can work cables, slowly and without the intervention and/or assistance of small children—or dogs of any size)…but we’re talking intarsia, and all sorts of other really scary things that have been on my ‘going to learn one day’ list for …a long long time…I’m not going to let my own intimidation and fear get to me—I am just going to plow on through.

      Note to self: if I don’t sign up for any of the classes (yet), I do at least need to join the Knitting Guild of America…because at some point I will be taking some of the classes…not to mention, now that I am doing more reading and research, I sort of wish I had gone w them first…but this is the course I chose to do first and it is the one I am sticking with, until the end…when all else fails with me, seek more education until confidence is gain and/or restored…

      Work on unpacking all the kitchen stuff…yes, basically the first stuff that was moved over here is, not by any means the last stuff, but it’s still sitting downstairs, like most everything else…I needed to find our popcorn popper this week-end, for my darling boy {what?  Gene Simmon’s mom own that phrase or something? ;) }…and there was no way I could find it in all the mess downstairs…I did try.  There are many boxes to go through yet…not just kitchen related…

We did end up buying this terrific magazine while we were at Sam’s Club this week-end though.  The Family Handyman.  I originally picked it up for the landscaping ideas…since I have several different ideas on-going at the moment…but this issue alone had so many GOOD ideas for, say, organizing our basement, and creating tiny little nooks of cabinet space in over-looked places…before I hit page twenty it had already proven itself more than worthy of the initial investment.  Heck, this magazine ended up being better than the past 5-6 books on build your own wooden projects books we’ve gotten from the library…and it was one of those fluky little purchases I make, grab me and read me, you’ll like it—this time we really did.  Now all we have to do is start implementing these ideas and things are going to be great…

  One more thing.  I didn't do a full-moon dreamboard this week-end.  I am in the middle of yet a very large, very disconcerting shift...but I have been having some ideas for a dreamboard--I just feel the need to do something ...bigger...than just a monthly dreamboard...so, add this to the list too.

These are my goals for the week…let’s see if I can achieve them.

Goals--Not Resolutions

So, one year nears its end; another struggles to be born. Birth is never an easy process, not for anyone involved….funny thing to ponder at the moment, huh?

I’ve been thinking for days and days and longer about what the coming new year means to me…looking back on the past year and seeing how very far I have come…thinking about things I should have done sooner, things I should have avoided all together, things I should have been more demanding about, things I should have let go of differently….it is not a time of regret, but a time of absolute empowerment.

Things have done nothing but improve all this past year…and there is no reason why they are not going to continue to improve every single day of this coming year as well….

I look at my R, a man everyone in my world ‘knew’ I would one day end up w—everyone except me…I knew we’d always be friends, figured much later in life something would develop, after our other lives had fallen away, after our partners had died or moved on…never did I think this would or could happen right now. It has been a huge shift for me. Some days I listen to him and I marvel…it’s not such a big shift for him…he knew the potential was there all along…I was only willing to take what I could get and I never expected anything more than that…so long as he was my friend, what else was there to ask for? And here we are…I look back at my marriage especially and I marvel at how very naïve and accepting I was then—how truly meaningless so many things I thought I held dear were when exposed to real love—no—to Real Love. I thought the ex was the end all be all—talk about having a man on a pedestal…there are few things I would not have done for him…there are few things he asked of me that I did not do…in fact, there is nothing I didn’t do that he asked of me………I compare that relationship—fifteen or so years of my life—to what I have now—to a man I have known for nice, going on ten years now…a man who has been my friend and my defender and my companion since we met, when we were both married to other people…we have been friends; we have been students together; we became therapists and healers together (UFT and otherwise…); we have grown together for so long….now, add in the romantic and the sexual element—and what has always been said about us together proves absolutely true—and holds strong….

Do you know, when you are in a relationship, how you can look around and think, yeah, this is going to cause issues on down the line, or yeah this is a deal breaker one of these days….I hadn’t realized how much of my life when I was married revolved around planning for a future that I knew the man would not be a part of…but I never allowed myself to think of that aspect…I always knew one day I’d get sick of his antics and his lies (one day, I am going to ask someone if he and MJ are still sleeping together though—I always thought they were, from the moment I met J…if J were a girl, they’d have dated openly, I swear…) and I would leave—or more likely, all his sins would catch up to him and he’d die…that one, I am sure, is still on its way to him anyway…it has nothing to do w me…just his own karma and his own past sins coming to get him….
I have moments like that w R, where I think, yes, one of these days I am so going to regret agreeing to this, one of these days I am going to be more than upset that I allowed this to continue, I am going to hate myself for not saying something different about this….there is a difference between the ex—any ex—and R. In previous relationships, it was always, when this is over, this will be an issue…w R—there is none of that. W R, I always end up thinking, the only way this will be a deal breaker, the only way this relationship will end, is if I allow it. There honestly is nothing he and I cannot work through together, so long as we sit down and talk to one another.

This man goes through things w me that I know he has no grasp as to how to fathom them. I spent too much time before he left for his ski trip upset over the fact that I should be six months pregnant, or there abouts, right now…am I mourning the child I lost in July of this year, or the child I lost in Feb ’94? Or both? I have no idea. All I know is R did the best he could to understand why I was upset and to take care of me until 1 I could explain what I was upset about and 2 until I could deal with the rest of the world again in a less tearful manner….
He does not give up on me…not ever…not even when he has not a clue what is going on w me…I always tell him…I always have…there is no way I cannot tell him…
I am blessed. I am beyond blessed. I am truly grateful for that blessing as well.

My goal for this relationship in the coming year is only to continue to allow him to break through more and more of my boundaries, to let him in deeper…to take him into those places where I have never allowed anyone else to go ever before…because no one else has ever been worthy …no one else has ever been trustable…no one else has ever been good enough…

So not where I meant to go when I sat down to start writing this. I meant to start out by saying I am not about to waste my time with resolutions. I want to set goals for myself. Things w R are a goal…and one he is aware of, even if I have never said it to him in as outright a manner as I am stating it here.

Another goal is to be …. Less conservative when I write here…the one really good thing about being in such a good, happy and clear space—not just R, but w work, and children, and everything in between—my world is GOOD…before we moved, I had collected all these books on writers and writing and all sorts of things involved with that…one of the things I am still in the process of colliding and aligning is my writing goals for this coming year…so bear with me…one thing I have been told by …some sources…. Is that no one wants to read every single little detail of everything…but, on the other hand, I have had a great deal more feedback personally from real people that has …encouraged me to keep revealing myself and to keep being honest….so…I am going to trust my instincts…and trust the people who reach out to me…rather than ‘experts’ and books on how to do this and that and the other….I am going to be more…raw…less concerned with filtering things…although please do keep in mind…my family reads this blog…so if you think I am going to get X rated or something…nope…I will hint and hedge and cough and toe the edges of some things…I am certain –look, I am w a man who can literally breathe on my neck and give me an orgasm, because he is such an incredible energy worker his breath is … more than adequate – so I know I will hedge around things….an empathic energy worker…life really is good….but if you are looking for graphic depictions and descriptions—well…email me and we’ll talk…
All I am trying to say is over the past few months, I have worked hard to protect some people from their own stupidity, even while trying to point things out to them, as I know they are determined readers of this blog simply to torment themselves…and because of the fact that certain people read this blog, I have backed off and allowed filters to refine things I would have preferred not to refine for public consumption.

Now, I haven’t drawn for quite awhile. I am disappointed in myself there. Yes, there have been so many things going on….but…I am still an artist…I still have all my gels and media and mediums…although at the moment I am unsure of where my practice canvases are…even though I am looking forward to finding them again…
My goal for this year is to re-immerse myself in my art, in whatever way appeals to me at any given time.
I have the urge to make faces….which means dolls are coming. I owe E some key dolls…My journey dolls proved VERY useful personally during this move, in ways I still find unexpected. I am glad they came along with me.
I am in a space where I can make soap again…and my candle making paraphernalia lies in its boxes, awaiting my touch…and my daughter’s expressive hand as well.
I need a different place to work into my knitting goals…I have them, yes…somewhere—those I wrote down…I think I have some posted on this blog somewhere as well….

Where E and her schooling is concerned, I am falling back into a more Waldorf motif for the year—while still allowing R to continue w a more focused, not really Montessori or Mason or anything else I can come up w at the moment, agenda. He has his own way of getting his points across to her—I am going to allow him more space there.
I do have to start keeping much more thorough records though…which I have told her would need to be done since we crossed state lines…that’s my stuff to handle though…

I want to start eating better, healthier…and I want to cook more…I want to have more meals as a family…and as nice as it is to eat out, I would prefer to spend more time at one house or the other, sitting down, as a family to eat.

I do have to say…I am going to try my best NOT to buy—yarn, fabric, BOOKS! For the coming year. Luckily, I know my dad will send me books (thank you thank you thank you) –although I will do my best to READ the books I now have in my collections…this extends to knitting books, crafting books, whatever—although I do reserve the right to buy books for other people – I have 2 or 3 on the waiting list to buy for R…and I will always buy the kids books. Although I will not be buying coloring books—I threw away nearly 2-33 gal garbage bags full of coloring and activity books—not the educational ones with worksheets or anything…just the let’s grab some for the trip to keep you occupied type….two bags nearly full…more than 1-1/2, but not quite 2 entirely full….sheesh!! That cleared off more than a whole shelf on the one bookcase! No one has missed them either. When I told E what I was doing, she was fine, so long as I wasn’t throwing any of her reading books out…great kid that. I am going to have to make sure we have lots of drawing paper for both kids (we do) and I am planning to encourage them to draw on their own more—to use their minds and their imaginations…

Do you know, I can probably have chickens in my new house? Well, not inside my new house—I don’t like chickens…enough to keep them for eggs, but not enough to live with them….I probably won’t have chickens—although I won’t rule it out either…

Anyway—back to the goals here…

I am going to expand my business. All sides of it. I don’t know in what way. I don’t know in what direction. I don’t even know for sure which aspect of my business I am planning to expand. I just know I am going to do it. I know I will be focusing on my art and my writing that much more…but not to the detriment of making sure the bills are paid…I have some kernels of ideas gestating at the moment…fruition will come when the time is right…that’s enough for me right now.
All I know for sure is it is about time my manager (R, my manager, my business partner, and the love of my life) to start earning his 10 to 15% (depending on which aspect of my career I am working on when…) …one of these days, I will be the one to point out, he’s been earning a heck of a lot more than just 10 or 15% all this time…and that’s not including the fringe benefits either….

I do plan to get back into participating with various online groups again. Like gaia…creative every day…wishcasting Wednesday…full moon dream boards…I am not sure about some of my other groups…but we’ll see…
I do know I am going to be changing things up with my various writing (wordpress) blogs—I hate having all these blogs all over the place—even though each blog is for a different purpose and yada yada…I sort of want to centralize everything….there are some other changes coming…I am not sure what they all are yet…just that they are coming….

My other goal is to get out of the house and out into Nature more….and to improve my bowling game as well! I have to go have the guy watch me bowl in order to get my ball drilled…that will be the week after next, more than likely, since R is so busy …

I have already said my one goal is to take the WIP “Caitlain” and edit and rewrite her in order to get a prelim published via createspace before the Nano deadline of July something 2010….that means I will have to sit and write and write…because I know, even though I have the story and the outline in hand, this is not a 50000 word story…if it is only double that, I would be surprised. I have promised R that I will have this done—and once I promise him—and once he promised to kick my butt constantly until I DO it…it is a done deal there.

Last year, R and I took both kids to Pagan Picnic in Tower Grove Park…I saw some people…others I did not see…no one did I really miss or care to see, except one certain Pagan children’s author and illustrator…but while we walked around, R informed me, all sure of himself, that in 2010 (at the time he said next year) I would have my own booth at pagan picnic…whether I am giving readings…selling art…selling hand-made, hand-knitted, whatevers….I think I am liking this idea…a meet and greet of the pagan kind…even though PP is not always my ideal audience…it is a good way to get out there at least…I forget the name of the 2nd pagan happening (where I first met that writer/illustrator) that happens after Pagan Picnic, but it is more calm and more female oriented and I have a greater appreciation for it…I have to get more involved in local things and find these things out again…

I have other things that are still taking shape in my brain….but this at least gets the more major things out and into the air.
This is just a good start for me…and now as the new year begins to dawn, peeking over the edge of the mountains of the past year…I bid you good-night—and hope to see you soon….

I'm A Bad Bad Girl Today, Baby

Oh, this is just fun. The netbook hooked up to a regular sized keyboard--who knew that could be so much fun?
So, not only can I have my gmail account open (on the desktop), I can work on this account (which is not connected to my gmail account--but to another account all together)--and still get everything done i want to get done.

First things first, unless there is a national natural disaster (Gods forbid), we close today around 2p.
First, why we won't ever use US Title again.
The mortgage was approved. So everything associated with the mortgage was done. US Title was supposed to be researching the property title to make certain the property title was clear. They chose not to do this. They chose to see if R was clear.
Now, since his divorce in 2000, R has gotten a second mortgage, and has refinanced his house three, four times. He also bought a brand new car during that time. Not once was there ever an issue.
US Title pulled something up that has never and still does not show up on R's credit report.
In his divorce, R was responsible for paying off some bill. He paid it off. neither her attorney nor his ever told either of them that she would have to go back and let the courts know he paid it off. otherwise, he would have made darned sure he told them and she told them.
Flash forward to the ultra insecure girlfriend before me...the one who had the need to eradicate any woman from his past. She threw out all the receipts that he was keeping for a reason. Canceled checks and the like. Funny how all her micromanagement insecurity keeps popping up (you should have read the doc she wrote for the dog sitter...I nearly cried it was so pitiful--so beyond micromanagement and so clear that she lacked any of the basic common sense most people have when dealing with a dog sitter...unless you have a 2 pound chihuahua who needs her mani/pedi every day sort of dog....) ... R had to prove this bill had been taken care of--the bank won't print checks older than 7 years...this was 8 yrs old...he was able to provide bank statements, which do not show to whom the check is made out, but it does show payment has been made.
He sent letter to the ex...and if she doesn't take care of this, he can take her to court to settle it and she is responsible for all the attorney's fees and everything. So all and all, not a bad thing.
it was brought to light and we can take care of it.
no real issue.
Other than the stupidity of ex's. At least the ex wife can be given some small credit, since no one mentioned she'd have to get off her butt and tell someone he took care of things. luckily, r did tell his attorney when he paid it off. So that's there as well.
The ex-girlfriend--oh--her we get to pick on her irrational fears and insecurities that much more...which is REALLY fun for me--because I have been here for 9 years...and she has hated me all along as one of his past conquests....which R and I have always found amusing...as have other people...but, I won't name names, basically because everyone I know always thought that was hysterical...

Now, why we won't be using Vinson (I may be spelling it wrong) mortgage ever again is a different matter...well, it would help if the person we were working with would actually learn how to call a customer back. I have never seen such appalling disregard for someone who is trying to give you their money before...such shoddy customer service.
Add into that the unprofessional appearances of their company. We should ahve closed yesterday. But we didn't. They were planning to change internet service providers next week. The day before yesterday, their current provider shut off all their service. So they were screwed until they could manage to get something up today. No, they cannot run numbers or anything else without having internet access. Which means, because they could not give us the total for the check to bring to closing, we couldn't close.
And today, again, we sit here waiting to be told how much to get a cashier's check for. This is the worst outfit I have ever seen. Dealing with this much money on the table, and the agent (L) cannot even be bothered to give you a call-back. when we were supposed to close this past Monday, someone (I forget who at this point) told R that the lady (I am assuming this means the seller's party or something) had already been contacted that the closing wouldn't be going that day....but no one called R to let him know that....
So...no more US Title for us and no more Vinson Mortgage for us.

Although I do believe the person R wanted to work w in the first place but who never really got around to returning phone calls realizes now that he missed a sale--and is now trying to be a gracious sales person...but we'll just have to see about him.

what is it about the real estate business that no one knows how to return a bloody call? from the real estate agents to the mortgage people...You would think these people would be more on the ball...but it's like this every time...ever since we bought the first house in AR...and I have heard complaints...nationwide...since I was a kid...sheesh...no wonder I didn't fight harder to take the test when I did the real estate sales agent course....(for those who didn't know or who forgot...I gave birth to N the day I was supposed to be taking the test--either the day of the test or very close to it...)

On to other things...

So, I finished my nano novel. Createspace will print my book for free (not just me, all Nano winners)...if I am done with the rewriting and the editing no later than July 1. As things stand at the moment, I meant to get out of bed this morning and start the next scene...since I have cut most of the non-essential stuff from this version...and as scary as it seems, i didn't have to cut as much as i thought I would...I merely have to move things around a bit and fill in the gaps. BUT...this is not a 50000 word novel. Maybe a 100000 word novel...but not 50000 words....but I am not planning to do much at all, except as the Muse hits me (as she did today, even though I have thus far ignored her....) until after we move...

I trust we are closing today. It's after the full moon...things are breaking open again and moving along. Something like an ice floe that was stuck and has broken into smaller pieces due to current or temperature or the striking of rocks or other things...or any combination thereof...now is the time to move forward...

I have needed the respite of staying at R's house the past ouple days. I hadn't realized how much I needed it.

Funny, how I have debated about putting myself out here in this forum, although that is what I am known for. I hate to think that knowing certain other people read this blog may cause me to censor myself more than I normally would. So, today I am trying to break through that. :-)

People who have known me for a very long time cannot get over the fact that I have never been raped. I'm easy. I used to drink too much. If you offered me something, anything but a needle, i did it. I hung out with people whose only goal was self-destruction. My best friend for many years truly was Death. One friend still picks on me--learning to deep throat was not the issue. The tricky part was not regurgitating when I did it, because I had had my stomach pumped so often, on top of other more bulimic issues. I have a hair trigger gag reflex.
What has R taught me here? That trust trumps hair trigger gag reflex--every time. Something the ex hub couldn't have convinced me of in a million years--namely because he and i both knew there was no reason to trust him. All these years later, and only now am I getting what other people joked and teased me about about the ex-hub when we lived in Fayetteville, AR...now I really get things that left me baffled back then.

Where am i going with this? Having the house broken into is akin to rape. I was never raped, and I hol to this, because you literally cannot rape the willing. there was never a need to take me by force. I was willing. I learned from the ex hub because of his first ex wife when I was 21 yo that I didn't have to have sex every time he wanted to--no one had ever told me that before...so maybe after that rape might have been an issue...but I wasn't running with the same wild crowd any more...by that time, T was in the process of completely destroying me...and he was the first person who preferred to sit and watch me to make sure the pills didn't kill me rather than take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped...twice he did this...because he didn't want people to look at him the wrong way...interesting huh? Yet, we have proof, I am the only woman in his life he did not physically abuse...makes ya wonder some days...not me though...I know better...what he did to me was so much worse...physical pain heals. Scars fade. What he did still bleeds to this day...but the thoughts of her return are more than enough to quell anything else...and the clock draws nearer and despite his best efforts--she does know how to find me...and I know how to find him...but I won't.

Back to the house (It's a full moon--Ive been quiet too long--I'm chirpy today...)--

I can't sleep in my own bed...the guys spent a great deal of time in my bedroom. They never touched my actual lingerie drawer...which i find funny. They found the toy drawer (most of the toys are at R's house--I'd just taken them that week--for a variety of reasons....) -- they had a field day w my panty drawer...I mean, we found panties in the den....
I admit, I have a lingerie fetish. it's how I live and breathe and know I am a girl. I don't wear the stuff for any man, although R loves it...I wear it for me and i always have.
E and I watch the Victoria Secret show every year, because R reminds us every year. But E and I both love the lingerie, the shoes, the make-up. E could do what I hedged around and never really went for...she could become the model...I took the fetish route and never went legit there...and then I found T and my life went to hell for the next way too many years...but I am teaching my daughter--you don't wear sexy bras or sexy shoes because the man in your life likes it--you like it or you don't bother...if the guy in your life doesn't like what you like, you are with the wrong guy. period. It's true. Trust me, the other ex was more than enough proof of that.
No matter how hard you try, being something you are not 100%, no matter what the reason, it never works for long...

The break-in...I was more upset over the cheesy poofs being gone--they were for N--and the ramen noodles being gone--those were for E. I am ticked off at the landlord. If he had done as he had promised and gotten us central air, we wouldn't have had that huge window a/c unit.
Then again, if he had had the torn roofing paper on the carport taken care of and the broken window from July taken care of, the city might not have thought the house derelict this summer and wouldn't have cut my lawn and all the rose bushes and lilac bushes and other shrubs and flowers we had planted....including 4 ft tall nandino bushes and 2 ft tall boxwoods--but that is another discussion...and one I will have no problem making public once I finish typing out the the list of things that need to be done to the house...because I plan to give this list not only to the landlord...but also to the city, as well as anyone else I can think to give it to...because ...well...I will just let that one go...but since i am not pursuing anything legally, I'll let it go. I was never going to pursue anything legally--but I was planning to move--and walk away from everything there.

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm grumbling.

The house is safer now that we pulled that a/c unit out and have left it on the back porch--we didn't have anywhere else to put it--and I don't want it. If the guy had told me he'd be putting in window units before I moved in--I wouldn't have moved in at all. And i told him that central ir was my sticking point. No central air and I was off to see some other house. But he promised, verbally, central air. Ah-yuh--look how that turned out. We won't go there.

That does nto mean the house is safe. It feels--different. I know how lucky we are. I also know how much protection went into that house. I believe that the break in happened for a reason.

I beleive at least one of those kids who broke in will never again in his whole entire life do anything the least bit untoward, much less 'bad'....this poor young man has learned his lesson. His mom is moving her family, the son and daughter, out of the neighborhood. Her own mother is the minister of their church. I think she said Alton or Belleville or something like that. But her son will not be permitted to remain in the proximity of usch stupid kids who have no goals in their lives.

I am not worried that this one boy is out of juvie. I was nto worried when he came over after school to talk to me, to see if he could do anything to help. I had jsut finished loading the pod, so there really was nothing. I felt so bad for the kid. He was nearly in tears. This boy feels the remorse. He gets credit.

I haven't seen the others--except for the two instigators that live right up the road. The ones whose mother doesn't care what they do. The ones who don't go to school. the ones who have nothing better to do than break in to their friends and neighbors houses to see what they can get...I do not think they will do anything...because the cops know they are the ring leaders...but that doesn't mean I need to be under their scrutiny or anything else....those two I truly beleive are corrupt and will not learn, because they just don't care. These are the type to go to jail, learn how to do more terrible things, and come out planning to do them...there is no hope for them...and that is their choice. But I'll be darned if I'll stick around for it...

I was just getting back into the space where i could drive, not a lot, not well, and conditions have to be just right or I get too nervous and have to pull over--and now my vertigo when R is driving is back.
However, i am stubborn personified at times. Once we have the go ahead--I will have no issues driving back and forth, loading and unloading, getting things moved from one venue to the next. I can see that coming. I can taste it at the edge of my mind...I know it's coming and I am prepared.

I hate to move. really I do. And yet...we move into this house, knowing R and I will be moving in together within the year...not into either of these houses, but into the bigger house with the land attached so we have woods and farmland and critters galore....hating to move will not stop me from moving though...I am simply hoping that after R and I move in together, there's not going to be a great deal of moving after that. traveling, yes. I know there will be a great deal of that--but the whole packing and moving...nope.

Funny thing, as we are set to moving, we are bringing things to R's house--and as we go shopping we are leaving stuff at his house--E found this huge bag of stuffed animals in the basement. R thought it was mine, since we had stuff in his basement for ever so long...but I told him--not ours. I am far more likely to toss bags of stuffed animals.

The ex girlfriend, in all her desire to be rid of all traces of his other exs--she totally missed that bag of toys--and some of the toys had the ex's name on them! That's how I figured out to whom they belonged. bag of hammers left some stuff behind. Yet the last ex, with all her weird insecurities and her bizarre sweeping through his house/basement to rearrange things and get rid of things, she never noticed that bag of toys? Funny.... the way that freaky woman's head worked...I mean, I work in circles...but she is so much stranger...I feel for her...

Now--on to other things--because I need to get them written down somewhere before I forget...

I have had a few ideas roaming around my head lately...mostly concerning the Nano book.
I have never actually finished an entire book before.
I have several books on how to build an online platform before you get known. I already have platforms out there...
I am thinking of dismantling most of the various different blogs and consolidating all the writing practice blogs into one main writing blog...which will lead to me picking up the blog I started to set up months and months ago and have as yet done nothing else....

But there are so many other things....

This is my list...so bear with me...

There is the landlord here I want to make sure everyone knows who he is so they are wary when they do business with him. He is a good guy, just don't expect much from him as a landlord.

There is this etsy store...I ordered a diapering system in July--and to date...nada...and the excuses don't fly.
i have contacted etsy--and ya know what, there is nothing etsy can do...
and since it's older than 30 days, you know what, there's nothing paypal can do....

I have a client who told me back towards last Christmas never to use paypal, because paypal has no direct power over anything. It's true. That lesson I learned. Although there are other ways to go about recouping losses. She gave me a great deal of information on those things. Pretty cool there.

But, no more etsy for me. Sorry. No more paypal, except under the strictest of guidelines...which is fine, since our other business accepts credit cards outright and we don't have to worry much about paypal there...

There are so many other things that are looking up.

I have a new schedule to set up...again that will have to wait until after the move is complete...

So--don't get me started on the move...one of the things I plan to do when we have the truck is buy more bookcases....and then there are the kids' requests...and a dining room table...

lol

I think this may take care of things for today--at least at the moment...I've been stalling.
Even at R's house, there is laundry to fold, turkey to dehydrate (E LOVES this stuff...R and I can leave it happily--but hey, E is overjoyed. Of course, we also say if we told E that R dehydrated it, we're pretty sure we could get her to eat dirt and sticks and rocks...as long as R dehydrated it. lol)

So, off I go...as more things crop up, I'll let you know.
Don't expect a lot from me for another couple weeks...but ya never know...

Do Morning Pages Count

if you do them on your blog?

I go through fits and starts with writing my morning pages. Ever since June (miscarriage), I haven't been much able to write much more than the date and the title (morning pages) and maybe a sentence or two.
I have been trying to do more, but nothing has been coming yet lately. Which is ok w me for the time being.

I woke up this morning. Ok, so I was awake-ish and the dog had to go out. She got vaccinations yesterday, so I was pretty ok about getting up at an ungodly hour to let her out, just in case she really had to go...if you know what I mean...plus, I wanted to make sure I emailed R first thing before he left for work this morning as it is his first day at his new job...

I didn't really go back to sleep. R called on his way to work to pick on me. Then, of course, work started at 8a and I always have a call first thing on Monday. Most days I have a call waiting by 8a.

When I did get out of bed, I knew today was going to be a terrific day. it is also going to be a list-making day. I love to make lists. I am good w completing a list, reorganizing a list, dropping unnecessary things off the list, adding more things to the list....

First thing, today is trash day. There is still stuff in the carport that needs to go. I took some of that out to the curb today. Also, looked at a couple things and decided I wasn't going to bother moving them.

That shed we never built--I am not keeping it--so I am going to list it on craigslist. That's on the list.

Pulled the big not my art work art work off the walls this morning--haven't thrown them out yet--it's Van Gogh and it hurts me to toss them out, even though they are only framed posters....I am waiting to see if anyone misses them before they go away. Plus, taking them down opens up and reveals empty places on the walls. I am not all together comfortable w seeing the empty spaces at the moment. Makes me feel disconnected, disjointed, not really steady or ... safe somehow....

Now--here's your warning for today:
I am putting this list together here so I cannot deny it--I cannot lose it--and if I post it here I will stick to it and not back out....

No coffee this morning. If I have coffee first thing, the milk and sugar hit my system and I won't be hungry for hours--which is not good, because my stomach has been on the way towards anorexic again lately (it happens, especially under stress...). Yesterday, with the kids and the boyfriend, I ate more than I had all week. So that was a good thing. I talked the bf into taking us to dinner, since we took the kids out for lunch, and my original intent was just to have chips and salsa (Mexican place) and a margarita--but when we got there I was actually hungry. So that helped, on many levels. Although one margarita and I was ready to go home and go to bed to sleep...all that I'm so tired just hit me before we even left the restaurant...

I am working through two Eric Maisel books at one time....very slowly....
"A Writers Space' and 'The Creativity Book'.
The exercise I am on currently w 'A Writers Space' I am applying to far more than just my writing space--I am applying it, in bits and pieces, to the entire house. Sorting through bit by bit and finding out what works and what doesn't. And w the rest of the house, that is also moving into the realm of what do I want to take into the new house and what do I want to leave behind here....

Now, my rule on the house (any house) is it has to bedrooms for everyone. So, we automatically need three bedrooms. And as much as it may scare the bf, I am still planning for more small fries at some point in the future....and right now I want my own space/room for my work--not just for the writing...but for art and sewing and gods know what else will come to mind--I'd like to be able to actually get to more of my yarn stash and fabric stash at once time....so four bedrooms would be nice....but three bedrooms is fine.
A basement is mandatory. I let go of that w this house due to the storage room...I am over that now...I need the space of the basement ....
I want a nice kitchen--it doesn't have to be perfect or five star chef quality...but I want a decent kitchen. For the kitchen here, I gave up alot alot alot...but in so doing, when we move, I did manage to accrue a great deal of storage space and cabinetry that will move easily to the next place....I am not willing to give up that much for a kitchen again....
I have been fine here, making due with things as they are...but this time...we are moving on up and we are dreaming bigger.
Washer and dryer go in the basement....
Which reminds me. Before we do move, I need to get in contact w L, the very sweet lady we bought the washer and dryer from, to see if she wants to take the washer back. There's not much wrong w it (the button to engage the spin cycle needs adjusting or it doesn't get pressed down when you lower the lid)--I just want to get my front loading washer and moving is a good excuse....although I will have to wait on that a bit too, since I may not be able to get the front loaded washer at first....we'll have to see. But when it comes to it, we will contact L and see if she wants it back....

Another thing is my smaller deity focused artwork may not be so prevalent on the walls of my future house. We'll have to see. We are still having pictures of the kids up; we are still having pictures of family up; but there are alot of other things that can be set aside for awhile. My Marilyn Monroe figures I have in my bedroom have been bugging me for awhile now...I just haven't gotten around to taking them down....
One thing that it bothered me when we moved in here that I wanted to do and we didn't was paint. We do things right in the next house, which we didn't have the space to do it this time, is to take everything room by room and paint before we set everything up--and if we have a basement--that would make everything absolutely easier.
I still want my red wall in the living room/family room. And my own bedroom is about to become a shade of red as well. Although I am still nixing E's black room...although we can do a little bit of black accenting for her. N wants a purple room...but here too I am nixing things, because purple alone will cause mental instability (scientifically proven fact, look it up) so I was thinking more of a purple wall and a green wall. Or rather 2 different shades of purple and two different shades of green.
Ah, now see, we walk into the paint discussion and I can stay here awhile.
Burnt cream into yellow for the living room. Ocean blues and greens for the bathroom--and we will at some point do the mermaid bathtub thing too....w the tub here I knew when we moved in we'd have to do something in the bathroom to fix something--so I never pushed anything about re-decorating. We were planning to uncover that window behind the plastic shower wall...but now we aren't going to bother. Like the backdoor we were going to replace. We aren't going to bother.
The kitchen I want done in darker blues and yellows and whites. lol So much opportunity to be had.....

I am not afraid this time. Last time, when we were moving in here, I was so worried, about every little thing. I am not worried with this move. I know where to get boxes. I am not afraid of hiring someone to load or to drive or to unload the truck once we get the place. I know we are not going to have any issue getting a place, once we decide for sure which route we are going to pursue. I am not that hard to please and I trust my instincts. Add into the logical disposition of the bf--and we are all covered and safe. I am not going to obsess over every tiny little detail or crack in the pavement or anything else. (Sorry--this was a jibe towards someone no longer around...oh, the stories I could tell you there....)

What is actually more scary is the more I am focusing on the yes, this is the way we are going, the more clear everything is becoming, the sooner I feel everything is going to start happening, the better things are getting, the better things are feeling and the dog-gone happier I am feeling.

So, boom, there is it. :-)

Well, I have been wanting to take all my books, or at least most of them, off the shelves and re-order everything. When we moved in here, I was just so happy about having the books with me again and shelves to put them on that I didn't really do much towards keeping different subjects all in the same space...so here I am looking for my mythological studies books and can't find them--looking for various reading books for E and can't find them....lots and lots going on....I have more than what I need, normally...it's just a matter of finding the things I want at this point....

I kept all the mirrors...I sometimes forget about that. What I worry about is moving the altars and the statues--this is something I will do by hand, myself. I always seem to forget that the mirrors are part of altars too....my brain moves from topic to topic to topic and there is no real rhyme or rhythm today...just hey look at this and make a note of it....here here this too..hey don't forget....that sort of thing....

Do you know, I really think it does not have to be either car or house. I really think we are going to find a way to swing both, one way or another... I have no clue how...but I know we will do it....

I am supposed to dream bigger, right? So, here I am. Dreaming BIGGER!

I also have to organize the schoolwork for E and for me. I have located the most recent MO homeschool laws so I am up to date on them. There is nothing there I shouldn't already be doing, so I am good there. I just need to have a more formal documentation in case it is ever needed at any time. I am wondering if, since I just ordered the homeschool IDs before we decided about the house and moving, if I should order a set of IDs for MO....honestly, I think the IL ones should cover things. We'll be in St Louis...it is not a far stretch to say we are here at the science center from IL or anything....

Among other things..so many other things to get in line and work out and work up....I still have RVS sitting here waiting to be put into the process.....

All these goals in my head. The kilt pins from my mother arrived this morning--and, oh my gosh, does she do some beautiful work. I haven't touched my shawl since June, although I look at it every night and often throughout the day....that is something that needs to be completed for a variety of reasons....I finally think I am beginning to understand why I asked her to make up four of them instead of just two. They are gorgeous (pictures are forthcoming...) I guess I need to quit 'stalling' here....and actually get to work for the day...even though despite all the typing and whatnot, I have managed to accomplish quite a bit ....

Now, for bits and pieces I have been meaning to post and haven't....at least a few I can remember now....

I am all geared up and ready to go with Jamie Ridler and crew for The Next Chapter: The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. My copy arrived some time last week, and I've been meaning to post about it ever since.
There is still plenty of time to sign up...the journey does not begin until September 18, 2009.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but the Hestia's Hearth group has taken on a great deal of meaning for me right now.
I am planning to write my way through leaving an abode and creating a Home.
Not to mention, as I work my way through books like: "Women Who Run With the Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, 'Goddesses in Everywoman' and 'Goddesses in Older Women' both by Jean Shinoda Bolen, 'In The Dark Places of Wisdom' by Peter Kingsley...among many others...I am expanding and reaching out so much more than I was before. 'Living Your Unlived Life' by Robert Johnson had an extremely profound impact on me. Impact I am still working with and working through right now. There is so much going on, When I finished 'LYUL', other than thinking I needed to work and re-work some of the exercises in the book, my next thought was--terrific--I get it--I can apply it--I can work with it--where do I go next? What's the next book? what's the next journey?
And hello, ask and you shall receive...here we are sitting at Hestia's hearth and a whole new retinue of reference books to read and absorb....and I am planning to do my best....

I do not give up easily. I am used to working within and creating my own parameters in order to accomplish and to do things. That with which I am faced at the moment is nothing more than this. A pathway that I am exploring--and I have no qualms about the fact that I will come up triumphant on the other side.

Today I turned off all the a/c units--they had been set to draw the air in from outside for a few days now...I am afraid to take the smaller ones out of the windows lest a sudden heat wave attack us and I have to beg R to come over and re-do things I should have left alone...this morning I opened all the windows that I could to let in the fresh cool breeze (and the pollen from autumn pollinating trees, to which I am allergic ;-) but HEY! I can deal--that's what a neti pot is for! :-) )
E is doing her school work without too much nagging. We have a deal about the clothing in her room at the moment. Things are going very well here. It's finally good to be the Queen again here. :-)

I am looking forward to a great many things now.

Now, I have to get around to setting up the curriculum schedule, for E and for myself. The netbook is really cool for keeping track of this stuff. :-)

More to come...
Ciao....

Cusping....

Well, I've been having alot to say these past couple days...and have been busy doing other things....so today before the bf comes over in order for us to take the boy back to his dad's, I decided to spend a little time trying to stick in all the little tidbits and updates I've been meaning to put here....

For some reason, the first thing I did was go visit Ces--or rather her blog. Sarah 'introduced' me to Ces, via one of Sarah's posts.
I don't think I have ever 'spoken' to Ces--mostly because I am intimidated. I do visit her blog as often as I can, because her work, her drawing, her painting, her writing/blogging, is ....like food for the soul. Then again, I usually go to her blog when I am feeling depressed and untalented--because I find her work so mind-boggling perfect and incredible--I hope to some day be able to do to trees what she does with simple pen and ink--she among many....

Makes me want to cry--I drew yesterday..I've been picking up the pencil a little bit more lately...but I am still not really getting as back into as I was before the whole "June issue" --but I am getting there. I stopped writing for years and years due to being utterly miserable--and then it was working for SBC and finding a new sort of misery and subjugation there that causes me to start writing again...so go figure...at least now I can say that it is joy and happiness that keep finding me and inspiring me....


This is just a random doodle...it had originally started out as a mandala...then became Mickey Mouse...then moved on again. I didn't notice until the day after I scrawled her out...but she has a tear running down one cheek, as if the pencil slipped and I never knew it...because I had no clue...

Now, here's the way I was planning to start this post today:

How do you know for sure I mean to move into a new house?
I told the ex, my son's dad. As bizarre as it seems, he is usually the first person I tell things to, or at least in the top two because some things I run past either my mother or father first....but normally T is the very first person to know the big stuff going on w me....
We can say it is all because of N--and truthfully that is most of it--the other part is I keep trying to lead by example w him--if I speak up and show him how communication is supposed to work, maybe he'll catch a clue. Hasn't worked to date (going on seven years now...) but hey--ya never know.
T was one of the first people I threw out the whole we're moving....because we'll be moving to the MO side of the river and I wanted to make sure he'd gotten over himself. I still don't trust him--but I do have faith in his willingness to be a lazy slug as long as no one pokes him w a stick or dump salt on him--which I have no intention of doing. I do not like the man--and I disapprove of way too many things...but I get to see my son and occasionally get information about my son--sometimes even pictures too...
I did not tell T once--I think I told him at least twice in email and I made a point to tell him in person too.

So, if there were any doubts about the fact I am moving up--let that doubt fall away.

We are dreaming bigger.

Not to mention, if the bf can swing the financials, we are aiming REALLY big--but that will mean a great deal of work on my side (mental, emotional, spiritual...) because I am still in limbo about living w anyone at all...much less him. Funny thing is, he and I have lived together before--merely as room-mates. As lovers, and as parents, it's a whole new ball-game--and one i want in one hand and am desperately afraid of in the other...as alike as we are, we are in many instances direct opposites...ahhh...I could go on and on there...and I know above all other things the second he says this is what we're doing and this is what you're doing I'll do it after kicking up a storm and him just basically talking me into anyway. The verbiage I would use here, he'd just force me into it, is just too brutal, because force is not anything that goes on in our relationship--it's more he pushes me through my fears whether I want to go or not to show me what I want on the other side of my fears anyway--because he can see through me and through my fears...

My friend Kerry and I have been talking about being on the cusp of things--and just how frustrating that can be.
It feels like everything is being turned upside down--and I keep getting hit with what other people term as 'negative' stuff--and I keep seeing it as positive--because if nothing else it is the Universe saying this is wrong for you--you need to do this...which in my mind is a GOOD thing...except when I get stuck in those darker moments and I am thinking am I forcing the positive spin on things because that is what I do -- am I forcing reality to be what I want it to be--or am I seeing things clearly enough to be able to say yes, definitely time to move on and be happy about things, rather than focusing on the not good and getting mired in it....I far prefer to move on and be happy than to dwell in the muck. I've had enough muck in my life. I have spent this past year clearing out more and more muck. I have spent this last year working on me and opening up different doors that I had shut long ago.

As I have been pondering here, it's time to walk fully through those doors, rather than just cracking them open to let a little tiny bit of light through. I am getting there. One step at a time.

Ahh--today we are taking the kids out to play...then the dog to the vet to get her shots (woo hoo for seven day a week vet clinics--maybe I can ask them about putting Cricket up for sale as well....I don't think I want to continue as a bird person once we move...but both R and I are fairly neutral where Crick is concerned--I jsut think the bird needs someone who knows more about birds and can take mo' better care of her...who can work w her and train her and whatever....)

I'm off for now--and oh yes--pictures of the two dresses I have here for wedding dresses are coming.....please stand by. :-)

So, The Bomb Has Gone Off

At least the one in my brain.

I am not 'blaming' all of this on Jamie either.
Now, her questions might be the fulcrum that gets me moving some days...I will not deny that...and she sure has that knack for asking the questions that I ask myself and that I need to answer--questions that without her prompting I might leave eddying around in my brain....

So, maybe, maybe, I will just tease her and say, well, she started it! But please know, I mean this in jest, and am not blaming anything on her for real.

Jamie is truly a great Enchantress; she knows just where to lead people to spark ideas and thoughts and visions. She is genuinely magical. I am privileged to be included in her endeavors.

Now, I am not promising short today.
I have about a trillion things bombarding my brain lately.
And yes, these things have been coming, and I've known it. I was thinking I had more time with things and apparently I don't. Which if you've ever read this blog, you know, that's how things work for me. I get BOOM BOOM BOOM and everything falls into place.
I keep getting the same feeling....before the truck accident happened last November. Only this time, I am watching and seeing the signs, loud and clear.

It sounds horrible to say, but, when I bought this house, I never expected to be here more than 3-5 years. When we were in the process of moving into the house, when E and I came the first time from WV all by ourselves, where everything worked out well and we made it here fine and everything, she asked me how long we would be living here...my automatic intuitive answer was 3-5 years.
I had a reading a few months after moving in and the reader said I'd be here about a year. We're coming up on a year now. I didn't believe her at the time, not really. I scoffed. What was going to make me choose to give up my own freedom and leave? Other than a man and another house...and a man willing to pay to move all this stuff since I still to this day refuse to contemplate packing and loading and killing myself the way I did last time....much less the whole I am not touching a moving truck ever again in my life....
When we moved into this house, there were options available to us. There was still a certain man that could have come through to us, could have been 'the one' who swept me off my feet, married me, got us all settled and shot for the rescue ranch and everything else...and R was supposed to come later...after my marriage to the first guy and his marriage to a new girl all on his own (and for one certain person's sake-no, he was meant to find someone after you because of the way you acted for the past couple years--years--not months, not weeks, but yes, years....).
That was the way it was read for us when we moved her. That was the way it was read for him. In fact, the fact that he and I were going to get together--and have at least one kid together--after going our separate ways in other marriages first--really surprised me.
From the moment I met this man, I knew he was going to be in my life for the rest of my life in one way or another. I had always assumed we would just be friends. I never ever thought there's be a romantic connection. I never actually thought I was good enough for him. I also never really thought he thought about me that way. Despite all our joking and teasing to the contrary.

I made different choices. I allowed -- no-- I purposely closed the door on one man and opened it far more fully to the other. I am more than happy w R. I may not understand why things are so bizarrely crystalline and why things that have never bothered me before in any other relationship suddenly take on a whole new life of their own when in relation to him. But then again, I have never been in such a raw and honest relationship before either--so I can see the logic behind the cacophony of emotion that arises. Not to mention, I have had very little actual safety in my life--when I am with him, near him, in his arms, I am Safe, capital S. He says I do the same for him--and I really hope that I do.

Just as the Universe keeps pushing me in one direction these past weeks, so has the Universe made sure, especially today, from a variety of sources, to let me know that I am loved and fully supported.

I keep getting the reminders I need from the people I will instinctively listen to...as well as others...everyone around me...cheering me on. And, yes, alot of this I can blame on Jamie, as without Wishcasting Wednesdays I don't really know where I would be. :-)

I need to get my head clear. :-) After what I wrote for wishcasting yesterday, the one thing that keeps barreling through my head is -- you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger.....

As I told one friend today, I know the dreams are inside me. I just have to find them and drag them out.

So, this is where I am heading today...to locate my dreams, probably hiding and cowering in the darkest recesses of my heart and brain, afraid to see the light of day, lest they actually draw breath and become real....failure is really so much easier than success...but failure no longer lives here...only good things this way come...I have spent too many years wallowing in the guilt and pain from and of others...I must shake off their shackles, the ones I took upon myself and claimed as my own....here's to freedom...and to clarity....

I'll let you know what comes of things...as I reach them myself.....

Reposting A Deleted Post

I have one goal here:

On June 21, Father's Day, the First Day of Summer, Summer Solstice, I plan to cut my hours in half with the network. I will work half the day for my own network and clients, half the day for theirs.

This is only to ensure that I have an influx of income while I make the transition.


Thanks to Sarah, I have the knowledge to set up my own paying blog.
I began that process today. I was stumped on how to retain my 'name brand', The KnittingJourneyman, and still let it be known I sell stuff here...add into it the plethora of things that may make it on to said blog, and I was really worried.

Never fear. I found something so simple: For Sale By The KnittingJourneyman.
Silly, but simple.

The blog is not set up, merely up in cyber place. I shall be working on it the next couple days.

Things you can expect to see from me for sale: original artwork (thanks to Sarah's committed faith in my abilities), knitted items and crocheted items (which could mean anything from shawls to toys to clothing....), knitting patterns, candles, soaps, poetry collections....ya never know.....

I trust in the Universe to ground me and to support me, to uplift me during the troubled times and to keep me safe. I trust the Universe to show me the correct Path to take and to help me get there and to get through it. I trust the Universe as I am Guided and Protected.
I trust I shall succeed and do well.

So mote it be.

--
Posted By KnittingJourneyman to The Knitting Journeyman Redux at 6/17/2009 07:47:00 PM

DreamBoard Set

So far, so good...everything is coming along nicely....thank you all....

Goals Revisited

I have one goal here:

On June 21, Father's Day, the First Day of Summer, Summer Solstice, I plan to cut my hours in half with the network. I will work half the day for my own network and clients, half the day for theirs.

This is only to ensure that I have an influx of income while I make the transition.


Thanks to Sarah, I have the knowledge to set up my own paying blog.
I began that process today. I was stumped on how to retain my 'name brand', The KnittingJourneyman, and still let it be known I sell stuff here...add into it the plethora of things that may make it on to said blog, and I was really worried.

Never fear. I found something so simple: For Sale By The KnittingJourneyman.
Silly, but simple.

The blog is not set up, merely up in cyber place. I shall be working on it the next couple days.

Things you can expect to see from me for sale: original artwork (thanks to Sarah's committed faith in my abilities, among others), knitted items and crocheted items (which could mean anything from shawls to toys to clothing....), knitting patterns, candles, soaps, poetry collections....ya never know.....

I trust in the Universe to ground me and to support me, to uplift me during the troubled times and to keep me safe. I trust the Universe to show me the correct Path to take and to help me get there and to get through it. I trust the Universe as I am Guided and Protected.
I trust I shall succeed and do well.

So mote it be.

Too Much Time

I spend so much time trying to catch up with myself.
I really hate that.
Priorities.
I am always telling other people-it's your priorities.
You give the time to the things that are most important to you.
You work from and act on the things (and people) that are most important to you.
Those are your priorities.

What are my priorities?

Bird food on the floor bothers me to NO end.
Do you know my rug in my living room has been completely ruined-and not entirely by my son-but mostly by my daughter-who ought to know better (not that my son doesn't-but he is a bit of the bull in the china shop...)
Dog fur seems to grow in the corners, not just on the dog, but whole new puppies seemingly coming together in the nooks and the crooks and the shadows.
Dishes pile up in the sink and I glower at them as I pass.
Someone needs to make tea--and I am suffering the loss of my tea drop these days-ever since my daughter burnt my tea cozy to a crisp-and then the tea pot itself broke when something somehow tumbled down off a shelf onto it-but we won't name names about who might have done that (E!).
Do we need to discuss laundry? Or the fact I mean to go through my linen closet and donate so many towels and whatnot to the local animal shelters?
Or that my mending box is not just full to overflowing--but has taken over and overflowed a second box.....
These are things I just don't always get to when I know I should be getting to them.....

I am tired of fighting myself.
I am even more tired of fighting my daughter-but I can't do much about that. it is the nature of young children. She is in the haunting phase, among other things.....

I am more tired of fighting myself. I am not Sylvia Plath. I cannot get up at 3-4 in the morning to wrestle with my writing, maintain a perfectly clean and tidy home and dote on my children and man endlessly before crashing to bed at too late an hour to justify my being able to get up at 3-4 in the morning the next go round.
That isn't me.

I am not a complete slob. Although I do live with one. And a bird. Did I mention I am not really a bird person?
I am putting myself under way too much stress.
I worry about the ex. I worry about the kids. I worry about the neighbors. I worry about the rug. I am terrified and worried about the future. I cry myself to sleep too often to count.
I can't go to sleep. I can't wake up. I am not working enough-but I am working too much.
I stand in the doorway looking out and watching the roses grow. If nothing else, I am very proud of myself for defying the ex's in my head (and who arrive at my doorstep) and planting my roses in a semi-circle I can see from my front doorway--which is where I will stand half the day to watch birds and traffic and grass grow and weeds overtake the lawn--in which I take a perverse delight. I love dandelions....

I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of trying to catch up with myself. I am tired of guilt-tripping myself. I am tired of my obstinate refusal to do anything else except what I want to do when I want to do it in order to impress people who don't actually exist outside my head anyway, except the ex, and I fail to understand why I feel the need to show him I am such a good person anyway--everything is lost upon him.

This is my pledge: I am going to stop trying to catch up with myself. I am just going to be me. Me says I want that hour of Yoga in the morning-because first thing in the morning is the best time for me to do my asana practise.
Me says I want to have that hour after Yoga for writing. I write best first thing in the morning-and late into the night, when I should be in bed asleep if I plan to get up in the morning for either Yoga or writing.
Me says-my art work comes first. The dishes aren't going anywhere. We are not crawling in bugs-the dishes don't stink up the house-and they haven't been sitting there for over a month (Let me tell you about my friend C's house one day--she bought new dishes rather than wash them--hoping some friend would come over, get disgusted and wash her dishes--I HATE dishes and I would go to her house and wash things up because it was so gross...and that was only the kitchen....)

Me-I am no longer going to catch up with myself. I am still going to grouse at the kid about her stuff--but her stuff is not my stuff. Grousing at her is just par for the course until -- I guess until I die or she dies or something. I don't know yet. I can't see a solution here, short of letting someone else come in and fix things. I'm just the mom. She's not going to believe I know what I am talking about til she has kids of her own-which is when and how I realised my mother was not completely insane myself.

Me--I am going to be happy with myself if I finish an art project, even if there are dishes in the sink. I am going to be proud of myself when I finish that poem, even if there is nothing to drink but water in the house (side note--we're Southerners here-if we don't have sweet tea in the fridge we might just DIE!). I am going to be happy with myself if I can find two matching (or not) slipper socks to wear in a day, even if I have big piles of washed and dried laundry sitting in the basket for nearly a month (ok-there's where my month long travails come in) so long as I have tried something amazing to make me smile for the day.

I am ok with the fact that I will probably never be a perfect house keeper. I know after the kids are gone I will still have dogs--and the kids will come back--with kids of their own. I am ok with this.
I am ok with the fact that I do not have extremely high expectations of how I want my house to look or how I want to look or anything like that.
I want to be happy. I want to be content with myself.
That is what I am aiming for.
That means keeping up with my writing. That means keeping up with my drawing. That means keeping up with my painting. And all the other really weird things that I do. Or try to do.

It means I am ok just being me. Without having to castigate myself all the time about what I should be doing rather than working on my art.
My art is who I am.
As long as my house is reasonable, I'm ok.

But then again-I spend alot of time at that kitchen table, working with paints and things. And I have this thing about my kitchen and my area being clean before I work on anything--even if I leave piles of magazines and folders and glues and paints all over the table for weeks on end. :-) Although technically I do clean half the table off every week-end when N comes because he thinks it is so utterly cool to eat at the table--he has to climb up into the chairs. He thinks he is too cool. And he really is.

This is my goal. To stop fighting, to stop pushing, to stop guilting. To be me and be happy.

Meant To Do This On Monday

I was planning to start doing this on my blog on Mondays, but yesterday was a busy busy day for me. I had to fast-forward alot of things-and I had to work up a written piece by pacing and trying to write while I paced. Information is not always easy to come by in that manner.

I want to set my goals and intentions with my writing, here, in public, so that I can be openly mocked and ridiculed into meeting my goals. :-)
It should be a familiar tactic to those who have read 'No Plot? No Problem!' by Chris Baty.

I will stick with the same goals I posted in my writers challenge group-although I may augment them a bit here:

My goal is to write no less than 1000 words per day--this does NOT include email, IMing or anything else that is not directly related to my actual work.

My goal is to post updates to SFC no less than three times per week-and I mean to have pictures drawn to go along with things as I do...

My goal is to re-work 'The Red Folder'-which is what I am currently calling my knitting book. (The essays need a bit of tweaking. The patterns need to be written out properly--not to mention being test knitted--so I am getting there.....)

My goal is to continue-and hopefully finish the Muse series.
My goal is to continue the donkey series.
My goal is to continue and finish the Ancestor series.

Also, although not on my goal list, I want to finish out several SFC prompts that i have been allowing to stew and stir in my brain for a couple weeks.
I am being taught patience, in all my endeavors of late. I am not a patient person-and sometimes that just really reeks. But I do my best.


I have other goals too--
like finishing up the surrender box series--like finishing the colour work on the mandalas--like working with the oak twigs R brought me and making at least one doll--finishing the next drawing lesson and seeing what I can do with it--and do we need to get into the whole things I need to read but haven't deal yet?

Then there's the laundry that has been sitting here for over a week waiting to be folded-but at least it is clean-and some of it was done this week-end, and some done yesterday.....
Not to mention a sink full of dishes in need of a good wash-but dinner was so nice tonight. Really it was. ANd I made a coconut cream pie-from scratch. I am planning to do it again. I've never made one before. I've never made a pie like this before. I had no idea how it was supposed to turn out. It's kinda fun. I think I have some ideas on how to completely screw it up and make it taste so much better. :-) We'll have to see. :-) At least I won't mind making them my whole life. :-)
I wonder if I can still make a meringue....
:-)

Good-night! Or good-morning....whichever--it's after 1a on Tuesday now and I have to be up in a couple hours.....

Quick Check In

Full Moon goals? Did I meet them?

Well, the dream board is completely done. And it looks and feels amazing.
The Tweedle twins are made and done and dedicated. Just waiting for names and stories. Guess what Mondays are for. :-)
The Tabitha Doll was dedicated. I just need to find a place to put her so I can see her all the time. I needed a visual reminder of my Muse-instead of say a great huge galloping sea weed strewn mare. :-)
I at least started the surrender box, even though I have not yet gone any further.

I didn't do anything drawing-wise towards the Donkey Chronicles--but I did finish one piece in connection with that series. I started a second--and have a couple others planned. They are Ancestors bits. They are not as easy as they sound, even though they are non-fiction pieces. Some of them may hurt other people, and for this I am sorry, but not sorry enough to stop speaking my truth.

Today was a wonderful day.
The boy slept in a little. The girl woke up a little early. Perfect balance there.
I opened my gifts-and found myself getting 1 mini three musketeer bar before the rest were devoured by the kids.
I received a mini rose bush, pale pink, which is gorgeous. I received a mini grow your own herb kit-which I think is awesome. I find it interesting that E felt the need to ensure I got a kit with oregano seeds-as I am not much of an oregano person. Give me basil and sage and I am happy. For the most part.
I got a foxglove plant too--I need to look up information on that.
A few other really cool things. It was my best Mother's Day yet, since the first one, before E was actually born-but we won't go there-cause I'm being sappy--even though I have told this tale since that day with the same inflections and respect-but still-considering who I am dating he'll think I am just saying it cause it was he who did it. :-)

The ex missed a very important lesson yesterday. I feel very bad for him. He took E and N to shop for a gift for me for Mother's Day. He went out of his way to curb the financial investment on his end. I can respect that--when there is a need to economize. His reasoning is, and I QUOTE his reason as said in front of me to the children, even if I cannot get the nasty tone of voice right, HE is not spending ANY money on ME.
It's not the money. It's not the gift. It is the THOUGHT--and the thought doesn't even have to have a thing to do with me. It is the fact that "Dad" took the kids to the store to be nice and kind and thankful towards mom for everything she does as a mom. Dad here turned it into a battle of wills--his desire to subjugate me versus the kids desire to see me happy.
The man did have a very valid point--all I actually wanted was the stuff N brought me that he made at school. N gets very proud of himself. E does too--when she does such things. Bboth kids are loving generous little people.
What T missed was the opportunity to connect with the children over something, even if he cannot stand me and is so jealous of me right now he could spit fire and nails. He missed that connection with his children. He missed connecting with them and he missed teaching them what he swears is his religion--loving kindness, compassion for all others.
He misses the point of your actions speak way louder than your words, every single time.
He may think N doesn't care, doesn't see, doesn't notice. N does see. N does hear. N does notice. N does ponder and worry and think. No one gives that boy any credit. He has the most open and generous heart I have ever seen, if people will stop judging the outward stuff and will step back and just listen to him.

As much as I hate to say it, my favourite actual gift today was something I bought for myself. A biography of Lillian Hellman. I was supposed to buy this book. I am supposed to read this-after I finish the one about Iris Murdoch. Strong women who lived their own way. Can't really imagine why my Guides keep shoving those at me. :-) Not to mention-both were writers too. :-)

My all-time favourite thing today though was the time R spent w me. Just being held and talking. Even though I am a nut case and I worry about the weirdest things. The sex may be (and it IS) the best i have ever had-but there is so much more to this relationship. It's a balance thing. I am very thankful this man is in my life. I always have been. I am more grateful now that things have shifted and we are more than friends. Because we are still friends, first and foremost. That's the best thing. Although it scares me--how much of me he holds. Trusting at this level is not an easy thing for me. But he does everything in the world he can to make me feel ok with things. Even when I am an A-1 nut job. :-)

Other than that-I give in tonight.
I have to go to bed.
I have to get up tomorrow.

We bought the stuff for stage one of our building the fourth side of our fence today.
We get to pour a little concrete. Dig a big old hole. What fun. :-)

More to come.

Peace.

Full Moon Goals

Full Moon Goals for this month:

because if I put them out where others can see them I am more likely to actually DO something towards them ....


And I am still trying to find my "theme' for my next dream board-although I do have an idea in mind.

First of all, Tweedledee and Tweedledum must be finished this week-end.

They and my new "Tabitha" doll must be dedicated this week-end.

I also need to finish out the surrender box series--dedicate them--and start using them.



Must go pull all the imagery for the next dream board and the backgrounds I have prepared here.


Also, note to self, which way on the donkey chronicles -and must draw more--must sketch more.
Must stop being so afraid and just DO IT and post things..........

:-)

Footprints

SoulFoodCafe Prompt

Just Don't Tell The Ex

I mowed my lawn this morning. And I loved it. Do not tell the ex. I always told him it wasn't my job and I wouldn't do it, period, hands down. If I had let him know I'd do it, he wouldn't have lifted not finger one in regards to the house or the kids. Come on, the guy could not manage to get his dirty dishes into the kitchen, much less the sink. I wasn't about to give him an inch.

I have always loved yard work. I used to mow the lawn--and I loved it, using a lawn tractor (and trust me, the yard was big enough to warrant it too) when I was a kid and we lived in AL. I haven't done anything like mow since then. I've just been happy planting and growing things. I like to prune things, lol. As way too many people can attest. :-) But at least I am good at growing things and keeping them happy. It's always much better when I do things my way versus someone else's way. I know what the plants are looking for -- I listen.

No. I didn't use my mower--I borrowed bff's--thankfully. It would take alot of effort to actually get to mine right now--it's under a bunch of stuff, behind a bunch of stuff, at the far side of the room. :-)
And we are working on the fence before we work on the shed.

It wasn't cold but it wasn't warm this morning. It was ok. The weather had warmed up significantly from the freeze warnings we've had. Both my lilacs and my roses seem hale and hearty.

I mowed the lawn, which is a very meditative experience--until the girl woke up and followed me around like a little puppy. I was certain she was going to get smacked by something flying out from under the mower--somehow she managed to avoid it. Some days I wonder about this child. I really do.

I avoided mowing over all major non-grass growth. The mystery boxwoods are safe and sound. My whatever they are not-quite-bushes in the front of the house are growing well. I even found out I have a patch of lamb's ear growing in the front yard. How cool is that?

I love my yard. Full of clover and wild onions and everything else. I love it. I have no plans to weed and feed the yard. Feed, yes. But not weed. I like the clover and the onions. And I love the lamb's ear.

So, today, taking advantage of being logged out of work and of the nicer weather, I decided to do some planting while I was outside.

Dad had ordered three mountain rues--which are now planted between the whatever they are not-quite-bushes. He had also ordered us bearded iris (my grandmother loved bearded iris) -- and I planted those in front of the lilac bushes. He ordered gladioli as well--which I planted in a double row in front of the rue.

Yes, the other rue seems to be doing well in the little planter. I don't think the seeds have begun to sprout yet though.

We also planted the black elephant's ear, on the side of the carport where E can see it whenever she wants to and it doesn't get in the way of the neighbors or me. She is still upset I refused to plant it right smack dab in the center of the yard. :-)

I planted my tiger lilies right in front of the front sidewalk. So whenever I look out the front door I get hit with flowers from every angle. I cannot wait til everything grows in. I am not so good with flowering plants in the house. I've never really grown anything other than roses outside -- and I was slavishly devoted to my roses. They ate better than the dogs. I am not doing that this time, unless I find a really good deal on the rose bushes and I put them in front of the fence we haven't put up yet. What I have is what I am working with--and I am not so crazy in caring for them as I was the other ones that I had to abandon in Ft Smith. Not that I won't take care of these guys--but I didn't dig a flower bed or line it with hair and dog chow--so there is a big difference right there.

My poor little dwarf burning bushes got planted today. The poor things were budding in their plastic bags, with the slit in the bottom so the water in the bucket could get to them. Now they are happy and planted, in the side yard, where I can at least see a couple of them from the front door. Once I get the other shrubs planted and they start growing, I will no longer be able to see the dwarfs from my bedroom window.

I did plant the yucca. I was going to plant one on each side of the driveway, but it's too thin and rocky on the one side--so I planted them both on the same side within a foot of one another. We'll see how it goes. They can always be dug up and replanted--or at least one of them can. :-)

What is really terrific from my point of view is yet again Mother Nature stepped in to help me out. I didn't have to water in a bloody thing. As soon as I came inside after planting, the sky started to darken. Thunder began to rumble. It started to sprinkle, and has been fairly steady raining ever since. So all my stuff gets watered in really well today. I am very happy with that.

Tomorrow it's supposed to have a no rain slot somewhere in the day--although we all know I have no compunction about planting stuff in the rain either. :-) The siberian elms get planted tomorrow and that will be the last of the planting of things currently hanging out in buckets for this house. And we still have 10+ trees coming from the arbor day foundation no less! I have no clue what I am going to do then. :-) Good thing my side yard is so big--and good thing I can share the trees with my bff too.

Now, what I want is about 5 or so other big clay pots, like the 3 I already have (would have 4 if dumb dog hadn't murdered one :-) )--I need to plant rosemary asap. I have the perfect spot for it too. I want to grow basil and mints in the big pots. I found a short article today about how to grow different herbs in small pots, as part of a patio garden.

We still have the upside down tomato garden thing. I think next paycheck I will decide what we are growing there. But my herbs will be in the pots in the front.

I want potted rosemary at the front and the back doors. In the front, I can actually plant it in the ground. I have no such choice in the backyard. And I always have to have mints and basils planted. That's just me. I have white sage seeded, and two types of holy basils as well. We'll see how those do. We have a bunch of seeds that I may grow or not. I don't know yet. I know I will have to pick a spot and toss wildflower seeds. Hmm. :-) I have a couple ideas. :-)

After we get all the shrubs into the ground, I am going to have to decide where to put the sunflowers and the castor beans. Not to mention, we are going to try to grow those pumpkins this year too. :-) At least one of them. :-)

I love this. My own home. My own lawn. My own yard. My own rules.

When we leave this place I am digging the rue and taking it with me though. The rest I know I can replace fairly cheap--but we'll have to see. My rue, however, very definitely comes with me. lol