Uhm, uhm, I haven't really posted anything about wrecking my journal for two weeks....and I do have a reason for that too....it's just kinda...sorry. :-)
I cannot for the life of me FIND my journal.
The last thing I remember is...throwing it across the room to get it out of my way. Just a nice easy lob. Ya know?
Then--nada--nothing--poof!
I have several rotating piles of books...books I am currently actively working through on what is supposed to be a daily basis but is more of a weekly if I get to it basis...and then the pile of read these some day books...the pile of these have been read and are for reference books...the pile of books to be worked on on that daily basis once this round of daily basis books is complete....the pile to enter into goodreads so the world knows what I have finished reading....the pile of books I need to dredge through to find one thing in particular and then I can put them back on the shelf pile.....
yada and yada and yada
Right?
It is not in any of those piles....
So, I've cleaned through my room several several times now since I last saw that book....and I have even gone out specifically in search of said book....
all my stacks of books are innocent...
I have combed through all 13 bookcases...and even the ones in the kids's rooms...even the floors and the closets of the kids' rooms...I even looked in the hall linen closet just in case.....looked under all the beds...checked out the dog's toy basket...under the couch...under every chair...every possible thing...even under the bird cage (which is where the dog tends to 'lose' stuff alot....
There is not one trace of said book...not one pile of shredded anything that could have resembled said journal (the dog is so-insensate that she can literally eat through a hardback book while chewing her stuffed animals to bits and never even notice it...I've lost more than 1 star wars book that way...or at least the corners of them....)
Uhm, so, I dunno...maybe I took it outside and did something w it? Left it out in the rain? And some enterprising someone took off with it to line their nest or something? If so, it's not in this yard anymore at all....I have looked. I've even scanned the ROOF to see if I could see anything...as if some great big bird (as opposed to our cardinals or something) decided the book w its pages hanging out all held together w a rubber band were worthy of snatching and grabbing and dropping down on the roof...but nope.
Is this not the most complete act of destruction then? It vanishing into the mists of time and space? And just being--gone.....
I dunno....
but if I find it, I will let you know. :-)
So, you can't see mine....but please be sure to check out everyone else's HERE! :-)
Showing posts with label wreck this journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wreck this journal. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Quick Catch-Up
Hybrid J is so right about Eric Maisel. In "the Creativity Book', the first assignment is write 2500 words about yourself, your autobiography. My first thought was WTF, do I REALLY have to? 2500 words....about me?
Then R gave me the perfect opportunity, the perfect reason to explore some things. So, it may not have started I was bourn, I lived, I died. But it did start at a place in my life, travel back to pick up past loops, and return to both present and future. And it was 3080 words of very important and useful stuff I needed to explore. Colour me the lion with the thorn in my paw and this assignment the mouse to pull it out. Win/win scenario.
Exercise 1B is naming 5 obstacles. I think that can wait til tomorrow for me.
I did sign up for 3 months of working w Heather Blakey. The trip officially begins in July, but the warm-ups have already begun. It's been so hot these past few days I've accomplished nothing at all. Although I do have my character ready. K. I know who she is. I know where she's from. I have no idea what she wants. But then again, I have no idea where she's going either. I may speak of our journey along the Serpentine Road in Lemuria....you are more than welcome to join us.
Journal wrecking. I think I have been so depressed that I couldn't upload any more pics to flickr in the month of June that I sort of left the journal lay where it fell, quite literally. I've kicked it out of my way a few times, but not much more than that. I was upset I couldn't upload ten of the pictures I had ready to load last time.
I want to upload Nik's pics as soon as I am able. Or I need to find another way/place to upload pics. I've never been overjoyed w flickr though.
I did officially start working for myself on Monday. It is slow going at the moment, but I know it will build.
I have to focus more on marketing and putting myself out there.
So, to repeat myself, the toll free number, available in Canada and the US, is 1 888 693 8437 ext 03639640, for $1.99 per minute.
I am openly available without appointment from 9a-12N CST, Mon-Sat.
I take appointments at darn near any other time throughout the week.
I really like this system. They are very thorough. One client didn't like the initial process of all the information he had to give with the credit card. It took awhile. But I like that. I much prefer this system. And I hate to say it, but I am earning 3 times more with this line than I am on the network.
I have cut my hours down on the network to 12N to 9p, CST. And even then, I am not worried when I take the evening off to spend time w R. I need him alot more than I need them.
Living Your Unlived Life. I refuse to do the exercise at the end of chapter 2 in a public forum. At least openly in that manner. Gods know, I do it often enough anyway. It's all about family, all of whom have access to this blog and all my others, if they are so inclined. I have no desire to pour salt all over old wounds and re-open alot of stuff I know hasn't closed for everyone involved, much less myself. But I am loving this book.
The Creative Entrepreneur by Lisa Sonora Beam.
Have I mentioned this one yet?
Amazon delivered it just the other day last week. I think. It's been a long week.
Because of this book, I brought out all my blue painted pages, and bound them between to recycled journal board covers. The journal itself had fallen apart. I took the two covers, repainted them, and made use of them. Right now it is held together by two metal book binder rings. I have alot more work to do on the spine that doesn't touch the paper within. I set this book up the way I wanted it, not the way anyone or anything else told me to do it. I want as few holes in the paper as possible. Two are fine. Each sheet of paper was folded in half and bound as is. As in, I did not create smaller books and sew them all together. Each individual page became a two page spread. Voila. Unconnected to any other page except that they are bound within the same covers.
I made the book, then decided I did not want to use it for my Creative Entrepreneur project. :-) So, the blue book, as it is now called, is following me around while I decide what to do with the open spine. Although I do open it up quite frequently just to look at the colours on the pages. I am just not sure I could replicate those again. Although I would dearly love to...now that I know so much more about paper in general...there will be time on down the line...I know.
I picked up another pre-made journal I've had laying around literally for years. I gessoed the first two pages to remove the copyright and other blah blah blah stuff. It's an Anne Geddes 'Down in the Garden' journal. I love Anne Geddes. The whole garden theme seemed right for this enterprise. I want to grow my business. It's a garden journal....it's just so perfect.
On to 12 Secrets. I am at the end of chapter 2. I have to answer the questions at the end.
I'm getting there. :-)
As I've said, the heat, well, more the humidity, has been horrid here, and the guy has yet to make good on his promise of the a/c unit for the house...or the window a/c units to "tide (us) over" til he can get the unit for the house. I am not at all happy about this...and as I get sicker from the heat, the more likely it is I will ask for someone else's help, to be sure I get that a/c unit for the house. Got a recommendation on an attorney today. Depending on how things go tomorrow, if anything happens at all, even window units, then we'll see if I feel I have to call.
The a/c was the deal breaker for me when I saw this house. The guy assured me he'd have the a/c unit in for this summer.
If I had known he'd pull these stunts, I would have gone after the house in Florissant instead....but I am done playing 'what if' for the night... :-)
It's 90 degrees in this house during the day...and the weather hasn't turned that hot yet...this will not continue.
The frakkin' bird is going to die at this rate. The fish already committed suicide--it leapt to its death outside the bowl, begging to be cooler...not that I blame it. I will not allow the bird to come to harm...nor the dog...nor the kids....
ANYWHO!
What else is there?
Oh, the 100 drawings in 100 days project.
Well, I sort of fell off the wagon. I didn't complete any pictures yesterday. But I drew a whole bunch of them out. So far, none of them have been coloured or finished.
Then again, I also have about 4 mixed media ATCs started, backgrounds only thus far. Hmm.
And then there's today. This heat is really hitting me hard. Much harder than I could have anticipated. I printed out someone else's black and white drawing, enlarged, turned it into a colouring book page. I am working for a story to go with this certain picture. The fairy in the piece speaks to me, alot. She always has seemed to, ever since I first laid eyes on her. :-) I will reveal her, and her amazing creatrix (because it sure wasn't me) once i have everything together better.
I have not given up trying. I have not given up working. I still draw. Every day. Whether I complete every one or not.
The whole garden thing hit me, resonating with me. I will have to find the link to the one lady's gorgeous art journal that really smacked me upside the head with its perfection. It was about a metaphorical seed growing...so my brain went to...to draw the whimsical version, we should try to draw the actual version as well..so the two gardens can be seen to grow side by side. I have a set of pencilled in ATC cards waiting for me to add more detail and to add colour. I am getting there. :-)
My writing has been spotty for the most part, but I am usually over my 1000 word per day goal. I just don't always have something to show the public at the end of the day.
Today alone, not counting anything to do with this post, I've written over 5000 words. And published most of them in one forum or another.
I am still far behind on the writing I should be doing, but I am getting things done.
And now, I must be off. There is a cool shower awaiting me ... and what I hope is a clean bed for afterwards...so far the dog doesn't seem to have yanked the covers back or anything. As she tosses her chew bone in the air to catch it and fetch it, she might just snatch the covers back and run with them. Oh, the things that dog could do...anyway...
I am off. Alot of reading and other things to do later on.
Peace.
Good-night.
Then R gave me the perfect opportunity, the perfect reason to explore some things. So, it may not have started I was bourn, I lived, I died. But it did start at a place in my life, travel back to pick up past loops, and return to both present and future. And it was 3080 words of very important and useful stuff I needed to explore. Colour me the lion with the thorn in my paw and this assignment the mouse to pull it out. Win/win scenario.
Exercise 1B is naming 5 obstacles. I think that can wait til tomorrow for me.
I did sign up for 3 months of working w Heather Blakey. The trip officially begins in July, but the warm-ups have already begun. It's been so hot these past few days I've accomplished nothing at all. Although I do have my character ready. K. I know who she is. I know where she's from. I have no idea what she wants. But then again, I have no idea where she's going either. I may speak of our journey along the Serpentine Road in Lemuria....you are more than welcome to join us.
Journal wrecking. I think I have been so depressed that I couldn't upload any more pics to flickr in the month of June that I sort of left the journal lay where it fell, quite literally. I've kicked it out of my way a few times, but not much more than that. I was upset I couldn't upload ten of the pictures I had ready to load last time.
I want to upload Nik's pics as soon as I am able. Or I need to find another way/place to upload pics. I've never been overjoyed w flickr though.
I did officially start working for myself on Monday. It is slow going at the moment, but I know it will build.
I have to focus more on marketing and putting myself out there.
So, to repeat myself, the toll free number, available in Canada and the US, is 1 888 693 8437 ext 03639640, for $1.99 per minute.
I am openly available without appointment from 9a-12N CST, Mon-Sat.
I take appointments at darn near any other time throughout the week.
I really like this system. They are very thorough. One client didn't like the initial process of all the information he had to give with the credit card. It took awhile. But I like that. I much prefer this system. And I hate to say it, but I am earning 3 times more with this line than I am on the network.
I have cut my hours down on the network to 12N to 9p, CST. And even then, I am not worried when I take the evening off to spend time w R. I need him alot more than I need them.
Living Your Unlived Life. I refuse to do the exercise at the end of chapter 2 in a public forum. At least openly in that manner. Gods know, I do it often enough anyway. It's all about family, all of whom have access to this blog and all my others, if they are so inclined. I have no desire to pour salt all over old wounds and re-open alot of stuff I know hasn't closed for everyone involved, much less myself. But I am loving this book.
The Creative Entrepreneur by Lisa Sonora Beam.
Have I mentioned this one yet?
Amazon delivered it just the other day last week. I think. It's been a long week.
Because of this book, I brought out all my blue painted pages, and bound them between to recycled journal board covers. The journal itself had fallen apart. I took the two covers, repainted them, and made use of them. Right now it is held together by two metal book binder rings. I have alot more work to do on the spine that doesn't touch the paper within. I set this book up the way I wanted it, not the way anyone or anything else told me to do it. I want as few holes in the paper as possible. Two are fine. Each sheet of paper was folded in half and bound as is. As in, I did not create smaller books and sew them all together. Each individual page became a two page spread. Voila. Unconnected to any other page except that they are bound within the same covers.
I made the book, then decided I did not want to use it for my Creative Entrepreneur project. :-) So, the blue book, as it is now called, is following me around while I decide what to do with the open spine. Although I do open it up quite frequently just to look at the colours on the pages. I am just not sure I could replicate those again. Although I would dearly love to...now that I know so much more about paper in general...there will be time on down the line...I know.
I picked up another pre-made journal I've had laying around literally for years. I gessoed the first two pages to remove the copyright and other blah blah blah stuff. It's an Anne Geddes 'Down in the Garden' journal. I love Anne Geddes. The whole garden theme seemed right for this enterprise. I want to grow my business. It's a garden journal....it's just so perfect.
On to 12 Secrets. I am at the end of chapter 2. I have to answer the questions at the end.
I'm getting there. :-)
As I've said, the heat, well, more the humidity, has been horrid here, and the guy has yet to make good on his promise of the a/c unit for the house...or the window a/c units to "tide (us) over" til he can get the unit for the house. I am not at all happy about this...and as I get sicker from the heat, the more likely it is I will ask for someone else's help, to be sure I get that a/c unit for the house. Got a recommendation on an attorney today. Depending on how things go tomorrow, if anything happens at all, even window units, then we'll see if I feel I have to call.
The a/c was the deal breaker for me when I saw this house. The guy assured me he'd have the a/c unit in for this summer.
If I had known he'd pull these stunts, I would have gone after the house in Florissant instead....but I am done playing 'what if' for the night... :-)
It's 90 degrees in this house during the day...and the weather hasn't turned that hot yet...this will not continue.
The frakkin' bird is going to die at this rate. The fish already committed suicide--it leapt to its death outside the bowl, begging to be cooler...not that I blame it. I will not allow the bird to come to harm...nor the dog...nor the kids....
ANYWHO!
What else is there?
Oh, the 100 drawings in 100 days project.
Well, I sort of fell off the wagon. I didn't complete any pictures yesterday. But I drew a whole bunch of them out. So far, none of them have been coloured or finished.
Then again, I also have about 4 mixed media ATCs started, backgrounds only thus far. Hmm.
And then there's today. This heat is really hitting me hard. Much harder than I could have anticipated. I printed out someone else's black and white drawing, enlarged, turned it into a colouring book page. I am working for a story to go with this certain picture. The fairy in the piece speaks to me, alot. She always has seemed to, ever since I first laid eyes on her. :-) I will reveal her, and her amazing creatrix (because it sure wasn't me) once i have everything together better.
I have not given up trying. I have not given up working. I still draw. Every day. Whether I complete every one or not.
The whole garden thing hit me, resonating with me. I will have to find the link to the one lady's gorgeous art journal that really smacked me upside the head with its perfection. It was about a metaphorical seed growing...so my brain went to...to draw the whimsical version, we should try to draw the actual version as well..so the two gardens can be seen to grow side by side. I have a set of pencilled in ATC cards waiting for me to add more detail and to add colour. I am getting there. :-)
My writing has been spotty for the most part, but I am usually over my 1000 word per day goal. I just don't always have something to show the public at the end of the day.
Today alone, not counting anything to do with this post, I've written over 5000 words. And published most of them in one forum or another.
I am still far behind on the writing I should be doing, but I am getting things done.
And now, I must be off. There is a cool shower awaiting me ... and what I hope is a clean bed for afterwards...so far the dog doesn't seem to have yanked the covers back or anything. As she tosses her chew bone in the air to catch it and fetch it, she might just snatch the covers back and run with them. Oh, the things that dog could do...anyway...
I am off. Alot of reading and other things to do later on.
Peace.
Good-night.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Doll Discussion
I finished creating an Oak Spirit doll last night. When I went to bed, I thought I would get up this morning and add some sewing to her cloak. Not embroidery per se, just random stitches.
When I woke up this morning, I went to her and spoke to her. Which is what I do. I had to ask her if she needed or wanted anything else.
No. She doesn't. She's very happy.
She's wearing a traveling cloak. All my dolls seem to be Journey dolls.
Originally, Oak Spirit was just a stick, a stick with an agenda, since I kept dragging that particular stick all over the house with me, whenever I planned to have anything doll oriented around. There she was. She sat on my personal altar I don't know how long, just a stick, not really saying much at all.
I cleared and cleaned and re-consecrated my altar this week. There she was. A stick. She spoke up then. She asked for something then. The next day I wrapped her with this funky wool novelty (no other name for it) yarn I have a clump of sitting here on my computer desk, staring at me. I wrapped her body and tied it on.
The next day, I pulled a polymer clay face from the tin I keep the ready to paint ones in. The face sat here on top my computer, nowhere near the stick. I painted the face that night and let it dry.
The next afternoon, face and stick met, with the aid of some gorilla glue. Never shall they part again.
She sat here, for two days. It seemed to me she was done, nearly naked little thing that she was. Last night, I took the remnants of my favorite birthday yarn and wrapped it around the upper branches, more like a crown than hair.
She sat for a few hours more, humming softly to herself. It was rather lovely.
Then, when I determined I would get some housework done before bed, she spoke up. She asked for wool. I have that pile of sweaters waiting to be turned into a blanket, so I went digging. Found a lovely piece of felted grey wool, with roses.
I ended up using some to wrap around her body, to provide bulk under the cloak. Then I put on the cloak. Wrapped some more of the funky yarn around that. Cut the fringe into the bottom of the cloak.
I set her aside, planning to sew the edge of the cloak along the side edge or whatever the next day, and I went to bed. I did see then that she was ready to travel. I noticed. I did not ponder it, however. I simply accepted it as a matter of course. I was tired. I needed to sleep.
This morning, I took a look at her and I knew: she was done.
She's ready for her Journey.
I wonder where she's going to go.
I wonder where she's planning to take me.
Dolls.
I always worry about using glue on them for some reason, even though I use such tiny amounts.
Someone once made a negative comment to me about a person who used glue in a certain sacred project--and that malice haunts me when I create my dolls. I need some other materials for my dolls, I know. I would be happier with various mosses.
My oak stick comes from a tree that was blown down by a storm. My boyfriend helped clear away the debris and he brought me some of the smaller branches. He's good that way. I hadn't even asked him.
I need more things of this nature. I know I do.
I think my current dolls are trying very hard to tell me something. These ones are not for sale. At least, not yet anyway. I am not confident enough in my skills, nor do I feel as if I have found that certain Space from which these dolls come for other people.
I will have to spend more time talking w Oak Spirit especially. I wonder what she will have to say.
I will post pictures of her soon...as soon as I am willing to sit down and work with my camera. I need to photograph a bunch of stuff from my Wreck This Journal 'project'. It is no longer a journal--it's barely a stack of papers held together with a rubber band at this point....
Until next time...
When I woke up this morning, I went to her and spoke to her. Which is what I do. I had to ask her if she needed or wanted anything else.
No. She doesn't. She's very happy.
She's wearing a traveling cloak. All my dolls seem to be Journey dolls.
Originally, Oak Spirit was just a stick, a stick with an agenda, since I kept dragging that particular stick all over the house with me, whenever I planned to have anything doll oriented around. There she was. She sat on my personal altar I don't know how long, just a stick, not really saying much at all.
I cleared and cleaned and re-consecrated my altar this week. There she was. A stick. She spoke up then. She asked for something then. The next day I wrapped her with this funky wool novelty (no other name for it) yarn I have a clump of sitting here on my computer desk, staring at me. I wrapped her body and tied it on.
The next day, I pulled a polymer clay face from the tin I keep the ready to paint ones in. The face sat here on top my computer, nowhere near the stick. I painted the face that night and let it dry.
The next afternoon, face and stick met, with the aid of some gorilla glue. Never shall they part again.
She sat here, for two days. It seemed to me she was done, nearly naked little thing that she was. Last night, I took the remnants of my favorite birthday yarn and wrapped it around the upper branches, more like a crown than hair.
She sat for a few hours more, humming softly to herself. It was rather lovely.
Then, when I determined I would get some housework done before bed, she spoke up. She asked for wool. I have that pile of sweaters waiting to be turned into a blanket, so I went digging. Found a lovely piece of felted grey wool, with roses.
I ended up using some to wrap around her body, to provide bulk under the cloak. Then I put on the cloak. Wrapped some more of the funky yarn around that. Cut the fringe into the bottom of the cloak.
I set her aside, planning to sew the edge of the cloak along the side edge or whatever the next day, and I went to bed. I did see then that she was ready to travel. I noticed. I did not ponder it, however. I simply accepted it as a matter of course. I was tired. I needed to sleep.
This morning, I took a look at her and I knew: she was done.
She's ready for her Journey.
I wonder where she's going to go.
I wonder where she's planning to take me.
Dolls.
I always worry about using glue on them for some reason, even though I use such tiny amounts.
Someone once made a negative comment to me about a person who used glue in a certain sacred project--and that malice haunts me when I create my dolls. I need some other materials for my dolls, I know. I would be happier with various mosses.
My oak stick comes from a tree that was blown down by a storm. My boyfriend helped clear away the debris and he brought me some of the smaller branches. He's good that way. I hadn't even asked him.
I need more things of this nature. I know I do.
I think my current dolls are trying very hard to tell me something. These ones are not for sale. At least, not yet anyway. I am not confident enough in my skills, nor do I feel as if I have found that certain Space from which these dolls come for other people.
I will have to spend more time talking w Oak Spirit especially. I wonder what she will have to say.
I will post pictures of her soon...as soon as I am willing to sit down and work with my camera. I need to photograph a bunch of stuff from my Wreck This Journal 'project'. It is no longer a journal--it's barely a stack of papers held together with a rubber band at this point....
Until next time...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Wrecked And Wrecked Again
I have pictures of my wreck in progress journal.
Too many to stick in one post once a week. The ones i have up tonight--are from yesterday, from this weekend. Not one is from what I did today.
Check out my flickr account here:
Photostream
There will be more pictures forth-coming.
I am off to take a shower w my journal now.
Was too personally disgusted after giving the dog a bath to glue dog fur into journal--although the thought crossed my mind--more than once....
Too many to stick in one post once a week. The ones i have up tonight--are from yesterday, from this weekend. Not one is from what I did today.
Check out my flickr account here:
Photostream
There will be more pictures forth-coming.
I am off to take a shower w my journal now.
Was too personally disgusted after giving the dog a bath to glue dog fur into journal--although the thought crossed my mind--more than once....
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Full Honey Moon Dreamboard
Look what Jamie said about this full Moon--the Full Honey Moon to me this time, my dears....
"""The Full Strawberry Moon, the Full Honey Moon, the Full Rose Moon, what a luscious, sensual moon we have to bless our dreams this month."""
She said this--and so much more....check it out...
I walked outside last night and looked up at the moon...
When I looked, I saw the moon ringed by clouds...almost a spiral..radiating out from a honey gold moon into shades of pale pink into dark raspberry further out...
What I also saw was a HUGE face, like the face of Imhotep in the 'Mummy' movies (the ones w Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz), when he was in the sand or in the storm....big wide holes for eyes and an even larger hole for a mouth wide open...
In front of this face, standing directly in the path of the mouth, was a figure. There were hips, long flowing curly hair, breasts. A woman. A woman possessed. She had her arms out in front of her--either like a zombie or--as if she were about to dive off a diving board--or a cliff.....I dream fairly frequently of diving off a cliff...which is strange as 1-I am terrified of heights and 2-I can't swim and 3- I am terrified of water, especially ocean water--even though I desperately love the Ocean...
I stood there in awe, staring and stunned, as my Guides literally whacked me in the back of the head to be sure I saw that...they kept telling me...make a choice...make a decision...now is the time to move...MOVE...DO SOMETHING....
You either jump--take that leap of faith.....or the bad man swallows you whole and you never get to be you and never get what you want (or I become like a 'Men In Black' agent, find something in the man's gut to use to shoot or gouge my way out, fight, triumph, win....but why endure all that pressure....and slime?)
These are pictures I drew in response to that moon....mandalas......
Then, there's my dreamboard.
Now, when I woke up this morning, I had a plan in my head to draw my own dreamboard....but my son turned cranker monkey on me early on. He is beginning to REALLY hate having to go back to his dad's after the week-ends w us. This week-end I was in tears dragging him out of the car to return him to the ex.
Then the ex was a butthead--he was mad at me because he didn't respond to an email and I was supposed to just read his mind. So it was all my fault I didn't assume he would do something in response to an email I had no way of knowing he'd gotten.....and he yelled at me...he yelled at me...
The real issue is not that I should have assumed he'd read the email and should have assumed that he would actually go out of his way to be sure he was there closer to 1p rather than 130P...the real issue is I am in a sincere and long-term committed relationship with my best friend...and I cannot tell you if the fact that T and R have been at odds from the very beginning...for a variety of reasons....or if T is just twisted and knotted all because I am in a relationship at all....regardless of with whom.
T and I were almost getting along. He'd come to drop N off, stay about an hour or so, talking to E, sometimes talking to me. Hanging out and trying to put on the show that we are comfortable and friendly as parents, and still interested in E's life on some level. He would respond to maybe 3 out of 10 emails. He would forward weird things to me he thought I would like.
Then I had to decide to be honest and open and up front--I told him I was in a committed long-term relationship....and then the emails stopped. I get an answer to 1 a week. Period. What time are you dropping N off? That's it. He doesn't respond to questions about N--he doesn't respond to questions from E--his sister had E overnight for Memorial Day--and I told him I was waiting to hear about if he was bringing her home or what because R might have been able to pick her up, since it's a heck of a drive to St Charles/St Pete to here and then back...but I never got a word...not email...not phone call...not a word about when she was sleeping over...if things went ok...until he was pulling out of the drive I wasn't really sure what was going on...and trying to ask him anything is moot since he just ignores me point blank...which he did all through the relationship and is a major reason we never worked....
Now he's here for 5 minutes, if that, to drop N, to pick him up. Today, when he yelled at me, that was the first he'd actually spoken to me in weeks, other than what time he was dropping N off, or grunting some monosyllable response to a question of mine about...anything. And I did very good--I turned and walked away without engaging with him. Which made me feel like dirt. There's my little boy breaking down and screaming like mad and all I could do was kiss him, tell him I loved him and walk away without trying to calm him or comfort him or anything. My little girl had gotten out w us to see T and she had had questions for him too and I had to snap at her and drag her along to get her to move because she was so confused and hurt by his yelling at me. Then R was waiting in the car...and he can read me from miles away so he knew I was ticked before we reached the car...this may be the very last time T gets away w something like this. It didn't take alot of persuading this time to get R to let it go...simply due to circumstances at the moment...but next time--and we all know w T there will be a next time--all I can do is grab the kids and take a walk. I am not worried about a physical confrontation--but there will be words...and they will not be pretty. T already cannot and will not deal w R--R who took the responsibility of taking care of me while I was pregnant w N because T would not and could not--I gave birth to N in R's house, for the love of peace.
Argh. Talk about digressing. My apologies. Anyway--that gives you the whole framework for my brain.
I come home. I have to work a minimum of three hours today to get in my time...I worked over 5--and they were an excellent 5 hours.
I did not have a plan. I just grabbed and did--while I was on the phone w a client.
I had decided a few days ago this dream board would be about my work life.
Actually, it was 6/6/09--and wreck this journal is responsible. I wonder if this book will last 6 weeks. I was on the phone last night, w several different clients, and I kept scribbling in my journal. It IS a journal after all. Instead of doodles on some pages--I scribbled--there is no other word for it. Most of my scribbles had to do with the fact that my job is sucking the life out of my soul and my heart. I love what I do--I hate the company/network I work for....and I am already determined I am not working for the network much longer. But it is the HOW and the WHERE and the WHAT that has me caught and stuck...and I am so afraid of not having money to pay the mortgage, or buy food, or these days, to buy drawing paper and coloured pencils......and as much as I love R and know what he is willing to do for me and with me, I will not allow him to cover my bills at all...I can't. I won't. But I can move forward-I can move slow-but slow counts-movement at all counts. I am determined and I do not give up easily at all.
First thing I did was grab a map I just got in the mail, yesterday in fact. I decided how big I wanted my dream board to be. And I cut the map down to that size. Originally I thought I would use the map as my setting, my backing, instead of poster board or anything else. Then, as I sat on that call, I began to cut out images. Used only 1 source for my images....but it was SO perfect.
This dreamboard is definitely focused and month oriented as well (not long-term, like over the years, as past boards have been...). :-) I am kinda proud of myself there.
The map is because I am always asking 'how do I get there?'--I am forever trying to figure out...'how do I get from here to there?' That's my big issue. So I used it as the basis for my dreamboard. If I have a map, surely I will be able to find my way there. Right?
Again, Wreck This Journal is all over me. I had a bunch of images cut out. I took the map and wadded it up into a ball and tossed it across the room. I went out in search of my smaller pieces of poster board--and grabbed one. Grabbed it and 2 bottles of poster paint--because you know I have to paint my own backgrounds in order to start my dreamboard, every time.
Like a sunflower--or the sun--blooming outward--into the passionate flaming embrace of the red. Hey, colour magic works too, ya know! Plus, the colours blend together, synergy there.
Now, I took my map and smoothed it out, just not too much. And it hit me. I need to burn through my Maya and reach what is really within. This time, I could not just use an incense stick either. So, still on the same call (it was 2 hours long!)
I took my map into the bathroom w me, w a lighter in hand, shut the door, since there is a smoke detector right there, couldn't turn on the vent fan due to the noise/being on a call, but I shoved the shower curtains as far from me as I could, turned the faucet on atrickle--just in case--and stepped back. I folded the map over and over several times. Then I set fire to the edges. I was working on the third edge before it dawned on me that just because there was no flame didn't mean the fire was not actually BURNING the paper. So I immediately thrust the paper into the stream of water, not thinking until almost too late that I had yet another side left to burn and the water would really mess that up....but I did manage, in spite of myself.
No animals or children or household anything were harmed in the flaming of this map. And no fire alarms went off--it's not good w a client on the line to set off the fire detectors--ask me-I do it fairly frequently--too much incense usually. :-) When I smudge the place, it is SMUDGED! :-)
Here's the map after some artful placement and gluing and wiping away of icky ash I knew would not stay in place after I started gluing things down.
This is the basis of my piece, homage to the 5 elements, you might say. At least that was how I was looking at it.
This piece amazes me when I stop and look at it. The images all came from a tourism catalog, all these images--and the map too.
I am interested in the animals that are showing up. Horses. I keep feeling the urge towards raising horses when we get the Ranch. The Ranch is part of my Work, yes, even if it is a couple years up the road. I have already agreed to adopt at least 5 mustangs, from various places, for various reasons. A far cry from draft horses and thoroughbreds, but still, good animals.
There is an eagle. And a whale's tail. I fought putting that whale's tail in there, since Leah has been having whales show up for her in her work alot lately and I read her blog alot....I was afraid I was pulling her stuff into mine for whatever reason...but my intuition and my Guides kept forcing...it has nothing to do at all w Leah. It really is all my own stuff here. I have alot to learn.
There is alot of artistry here too. I found two pottery images, of people working the clay with their hands. Glass working/blowing. The dancers. Carving dolls. Even though I don't work wood this way...the dolls deserve mention. Healing touch/massage therapy. I don't want to do actual and only massage work, but I would like to work more with that part of my life, the healing work I can and I love to do. Gardening. Knitting. Leading people out into the wilderness to show them around. Photography. Drumming. Yoga.
But there is also that distinct family life...the picture of home, of the beach, of bike riding, of dinners out, of canoeing, motorcycle riding. That connection. It means so much to me.
There's also alot of water in this work, water flowing, moving. Fire, to burn away the debris and whatever is holding me back.
But there is also alot of spirituality there too. The labyrinth. The stones. Heck, there is so much peace and tranquility.
I love some of the words there too.
'The fun starts here.' I want to do what I love and love what I do...for all my life.
'Approved!' Nuff said.
'Welcome.' Ditto.
'Doers and Dreamers.' To me that says I can dream and I can make my dreams come true-I can do this. I don't have to just dream the dreams; I can make them come true.
'Tangled garden'...because I want a plethora of gardens at the Ranch, and I do not care if everything is all neat and in straight long rows. I like circles and mounds and piles and so on. :-) I like things tangled and wild and random....
'Treat yourself'--I didn't have anything to put over 'at the square' on that, but it still works. Treat myself. That leaves alot out there....treat myself how? Well. Compassionately. Lovingly. Respectfully.
The last one kept striking me as being out of place, until I kept looking at it.
'The escape is easy. Going home is the hard part.'
I am a Unified Field Therapy practitioner. (So is R btw; and he can so drive me nuts, even though I see the logic of his statements at times...I'm a Pisces....logic is not always what I need to hear....)
Michael Linkogel once said something along the lines of if you want the easy way out, drink, take a pill, smoke something. There's nothing to it. Dulls all the pain and you never have to think about anything. If you want to know, really get clear, really apply yourself, that takes work. UFT is WORK. W.O.R.K. for the practitioner (I totally recommend it as a client--the practitioner does his/her work--you get to be on the table and do what you do, without all the principles in your head....not that you aren't doing anything, but still....I also cannot recommend it enough as a practitioner either...) He always said something along the lines of if you didn't want to work, don't do this, don't undertake UFT training...etc.
Some days, all I want is a drink, just to round out the edges, slow things down...I cannot drink. I am a recovering alcoholic. I do drink now....but only under certain circumstances and I am very careful if I plan to drink to excess.....but that is another story entirely...I drink few and far between, so no worries there......
Some days..I just don't want to work. I want to take the easy way out. I want to avoid all the confusion and the pain and the bleck.
What this little message says...if I do the work and get over myself, I can go home, Home, and feel good about myself at the end of the day.
That is what I want to do.
So, what is my goal about for this coming month?
Unity...of heart, body, mind and soul.
Working deeper into myself as an artist and a writer.
Finding other means of support other than the network.
The dream board leaves plenty of room for opportunities to flow in...plenty of room for the no longer needed to flow out...plenty of space for work and fun, creation and healing, love and laughter, family and friends. A balance, in all areas.
A beautiful life. :-)
That's all I am asking for. Not perfection. Not enlightenment. I want to be happy, in all that I do. I don't even want to be happy every single moment of every single day. I just want to be overall happy. The headaches I can work with--and they will go away.
Here's the dreamboard.
Drying and held down...although I made sure again that things would be wrinkled, mostly because the map beneath is wrinkled.....
And here, not held down at all....
Now, I am off to hang it up. I am planning to hang it over last month's dreamboard, so I can still see that one too, the parts that show around this month's board, as this month's board is much smaller....
Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.
Blessings to you and yours.
"""The Full Strawberry Moon, the Full Honey Moon, the Full Rose Moon, what a luscious, sensual moon we have to bless our dreams this month."""
She said this--and so much more....check it out...
I walked outside last night and looked up at the moon...
When I looked, I saw the moon ringed by clouds...almost a spiral..radiating out from a honey gold moon into shades of pale pink into dark raspberry further out...
What I also saw was a HUGE face, like the face of Imhotep in the 'Mummy' movies (the ones w Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz), when he was in the sand or in the storm....big wide holes for eyes and an even larger hole for a mouth wide open...
In front of this face, standing directly in the path of the mouth, was a figure. There were hips, long flowing curly hair, breasts. A woman. A woman possessed. She had her arms out in front of her--either like a zombie or--as if she were about to dive off a diving board--or a cliff.....I dream fairly frequently of diving off a cliff...which is strange as 1-I am terrified of heights and 2-I can't swim and 3- I am terrified of water, especially ocean water--even though I desperately love the Ocean...
I stood there in awe, staring and stunned, as my Guides literally whacked me in the back of the head to be sure I saw that...they kept telling me...make a choice...make a decision...now is the time to move...MOVE...DO SOMETHING....
You either jump--take that leap of faith.....or the bad man swallows you whole and you never get to be you and never get what you want (or I become like a 'Men In Black' agent, find something in the man's gut to use to shoot or gouge my way out, fight, triumph, win....but why endure all that pressure....and slime?)
These are pictures I drew in response to that moon....mandalas......
Then, there's my dreamboard.
Now, when I woke up this morning, I had a plan in my head to draw my own dreamboard....but my son turned cranker monkey on me early on. He is beginning to REALLY hate having to go back to his dad's after the week-ends w us. This week-end I was in tears dragging him out of the car to return him to the ex.
Then the ex was a butthead--he was mad at me because he didn't respond to an email and I was supposed to just read his mind. So it was all my fault I didn't assume he would do something in response to an email I had no way of knowing he'd gotten.....and he yelled at me...he yelled at me...
The real issue is not that I should have assumed he'd read the email and should have assumed that he would actually go out of his way to be sure he was there closer to 1p rather than 130P...the real issue is I am in a sincere and long-term committed relationship with my best friend...and I cannot tell you if the fact that T and R have been at odds from the very beginning...for a variety of reasons....or if T is just twisted and knotted all because I am in a relationship at all....regardless of with whom.
T and I were almost getting along. He'd come to drop N off, stay about an hour or so, talking to E, sometimes talking to me. Hanging out and trying to put on the show that we are comfortable and friendly as parents, and still interested in E's life on some level. He would respond to maybe 3 out of 10 emails. He would forward weird things to me he thought I would like.
Then I had to decide to be honest and open and up front--I told him I was in a committed long-term relationship....and then the emails stopped. I get an answer to 1 a week. Period. What time are you dropping N off? That's it. He doesn't respond to questions about N--he doesn't respond to questions from E--his sister had E overnight for Memorial Day--and I told him I was waiting to hear about if he was bringing her home or what because R might have been able to pick her up, since it's a heck of a drive to St Charles/St Pete to here and then back...but I never got a word...not email...not phone call...not a word about when she was sleeping over...if things went ok...until he was pulling out of the drive I wasn't really sure what was going on...and trying to ask him anything is moot since he just ignores me point blank...which he did all through the relationship and is a major reason we never worked....
Now he's here for 5 minutes, if that, to drop N, to pick him up. Today, when he yelled at me, that was the first he'd actually spoken to me in weeks, other than what time he was dropping N off, or grunting some monosyllable response to a question of mine about...anything. And I did very good--I turned and walked away without engaging with him. Which made me feel like dirt. There's my little boy breaking down and screaming like mad and all I could do was kiss him, tell him I loved him and walk away without trying to calm him or comfort him or anything. My little girl had gotten out w us to see T and she had had questions for him too and I had to snap at her and drag her along to get her to move because she was so confused and hurt by his yelling at me. Then R was waiting in the car...and he can read me from miles away so he knew I was ticked before we reached the car...this may be the very last time T gets away w something like this. It didn't take alot of persuading this time to get R to let it go...simply due to circumstances at the moment...but next time--and we all know w T there will be a next time--all I can do is grab the kids and take a walk. I am not worried about a physical confrontation--but there will be words...and they will not be pretty. T already cannot and will not deal w R--R who took the responsibility of taking care of me while I was pregnant w N because T would not and could not--I gave birth to N in R's house, for the love of peace.
Argh. Talk about digressing. My apologies. Anyway--that gives you the whole framework for my brain.
I come home. I have to work a minimum of three hours today to get in my time...I worked over 5--and they were an excellent 5 hours.
I did not have a plan. I just grabbed and did--while I was on the phone w a client.
I had decided a few days ago this dream board would be about my work life.
Actually, it was 6/6/09--and wreck this journal is responsible. I wonder if this book will last 6 weeks. I was on the phone last night, w several different clients, and I kept scribbling in my journal. It IS a journal after all. Instead of doodles on some pages--I scribbled--there is no other word for it. Most of my scribbles had to do with the fact that my job is sucking the life out of my soul and my heart. I love what I do--I hate the company/network I work for....and I am already determined I am not working for the network much longer. But it is the HOW and the WHERE and the WHAT that has me caught and stuck...and I am so afraid of not having money to pay the mortgage, or buy food, or these days, to buy drawing paper and coloured pencils......and as much as I love R and know what he is willing to do for me and with me, I will not allow him to cover my bills at all...I can't. I won't. But I can move forward-I can move slow-but slow counts-movement at all counts. I am determined and I do not give up easily at all.
First thing I did was grab a map I just got in the mail, yesterday in fact. I decided how big I wanted my dream board to be. And I cut the map down to that size. Originally I thought I would use the map as my setting, my backing, instead of poster board or anything else. Then, as I sat on that call, I began to cut out images. Used only 1 source for my images....but it was SO perfect.
This dreamboard is definitely focused and month oriented as well (not long-term, like over the years, as past boards have been...). :-) I am kinda proud of myself there.
The map is because I am always asking 'how do I get there?'--I am forever trying to figure out...'how do I get from here to there?' That's my big issue. So I used it as the basis for my dreamboard. If I have a map, surely I will be able to find my way there. Right?
Again, Wreck This Journal is all over me. I had a bunch of images cut out. I took the map and wadded it up into a ball and tossed it across the room. I went out in search of my smaller pieces of poster board--and grabbed one. Grabbed it and 2 bottles of poster paint--because you know I have to paint my own backgrounds in order to start my dreamboard, every time.
Like a sunflower--or the sun--blooming outward--into the passionate flaming embrace of the red. Hey, colour magic works too, ya know! Plus, the colours blend together, synergy there.
Now, I took my map and smoothed it out, just not too much. And it hit me. I need to burn through my Maya and reach what is really within. This time, I could not just use an incense stick either. So, still on the same call (it was 2 hours long!)
I took my map into the bathroom w me, w a lighter in hand, shut the door, since there is a smoke detector right there, couldn't turn on the vent fan due to the noise/being on a call, but I shoved the shower curtains as far from me as I could, turned the faucet on atrickle--just in case--and stepped back. I folded the map over and over several times. Then I set fire to the edges. I was working on the third edge before it dawned on me that just because there was no flame didn't mean the fire was not actually BURNING the paper. So I immediately thrust the paper into the stream of water, not thinking until almost too late that I had yet another side left to burn and the water would really mess that up....but I did manage, in spite of myself.
No animals or children or household anything were harmed in the flaming of this map. And no fire alarms went off--it's not good w a client on the line to set off the fire detectors--ask me-I do it fairly frequently--too much incense usually. :-) When I smudge the place, it is SMUDGED! :-)
Here's the map after some artful placement and gluing and wiping away of icky ash I knew would not stay in place after I started gluing things down.
This is the basis of my piece, homage to the 5 elements, you might say. At least that was how I was looking at it.
This piece amazes me when I stop and look at it. The images all came from a tourism catalog, all these images--and the map too.
I am interested in the animals that are showing up. Horses. I keep feeling the urge towards raising horses when we get the Ranch. The Ranch is part of my Work, yes, even if it is a couple years up the road. I have already agreed to adopt at least 5 mustangs, from various places, for various reasons. A far cry from draft horses and thoroughbreds, but still, good animals.
There is an eagle. And a whale's tail. I fought putting that whale's tail in there, since Leah has been having whales show up for her in her work alot lately and I read her blog alot....I was afraid I was pulling her stuff into mine for whatever reason...but my intuition and my Guides kept forcing...it has nothing to do at all w Leah. It really is all my own stuff here. I have alot to learn.
There is alot of artistry here too. I found two pottery images, of people working the clay with their hands. Glass working/blowing. The dancers. Carving dolls. Even though I don't work wood this way...the dolls deserve mention. Healing touch/massage therapy. I don't want to do actual and only massage work, but I would like to work more with that part of my life, the healing work I can and I love to do. Gardening. Knitting. Leading people out into the wilderness to show them around. Photography. Drumming. Yoga.
But there is also that distinct family life...the picture of home, of the beach, of bike riding, of dinners out, of canoeing, motorcycle riding. That connection. It means so much to me.
There's also alot of water in this work, water flowing, moving. Fire, to burn away the debris and whatever is holding me back.
But there is also alot of spirituality there too. The labyrinth. The stones. Heck, there is so much peace and tranquility.
I love some of the words there too.
'The fun starts here.' I want to do what I love and love what I do...for all my life.
'Approved!' Nuff said.
'Welcome.' Ditto.
'Doers and Dreamers.' To me that says I can dream and I can make my dreams come true-I can do this. I don't have to just dream the dreams; I can make them come true.
'Tangled garden'...because I want a plethora of gardens at the Ranch, and I do not care if everything is all neat and in straight long rows. I like circles and mounds and piles and so on. :-) I like things tangled and wild and random....
'Treat yourself'--I didn't have anything to put over 'at the square' on that, but it still works. Treat myself. That leaves alot out there....treat myself how? Well. Compassionately. Lovingly. Respectfully.
The last one kept striking me as being out of place, until I kept looking at it.
'The escape is easy. Going home is the hard part.'
I am a Unified Field Therapy practitioner. (So is R btw; and he can so drive me nuts, even though I see the logic of his statements at times...I'm a Pisces....logic is not always what I need to hear....)
Michael Linkogel once said something along the lines of if you want the easy way out, drink, take a pill, smoke something. There's nothing to it. Dulls all the pain and you never have to think about anything. If you want to know, really get clear, really apply yourself, that takes work. UFT is WORK. W.O.R.K. for the practitioner (I totally recommend it as a client--the practitioner does his/her work--you get to be on the table and do what you do, without all the principles in your head....not that you aren't doing anything, but still....I also cannot recommend it enough as a practitioner either...) He always said something along the lines of if you didn't want to work, don't do this, don't undertake UFT training...etc.
Some days, all I want is a drink, just to round out the edges, slow things down...I cannot drink. I am a recovering alcoholic. I do drink now....but only under certain circumstances and I am very careful if I plan to drink to excess.....but that is another story entirely...I drink few and far between, so no worries there......
Some days..I just don't want to work. I want to take the easy way out. I want to avoid all the confusion and the pain and the bleck.
What this little message says...if I do the work and get over myself, I can go home, Home, and feel good about myself at the end of the day.
That is what I want to do.
So, what is my goal about for this coming month?
Unity...of heart, body, mind and soul.
Working deeper into myself as an artist and a writer.
Finding other means of support other than the network.
The dream board leaves plenty of room for opportunities to flow in...plenty of room for the no longer needed to flow out...plenty of space for work and fun, creation and healing, love and laughter, family and friends. A balance, in all areas.
A beautiful life. :-)
That's all I am asking for. Not perfection. Not enlightenment. I want to be happy, in all that I do. I don't even want to be happy every single moment of every single day. I just want to be overall happy. The headaches I can work with--and they will go away.
Here's the dreamboard.
Drying and held down...although I made sure again that things would be wrinkled, mostly because the map beneath is wrinkled.....
And here, not held down at all....
Now, I am off to hang it up. I am planning to hang it over last month's dreamboard, so I can still see that one too, the parts that show around this month's board, as this month's board is much smaller....
Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.
Blessings to you and yours.
Wanna See The Rug?
The burnt one? Do you see the burns? Me neither.
The dog chewed? The curls cover the hole--both pictures are of the same spot!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Wrecked Over Wrecking
Ok, I actually bought this book a couple months ago. During one of my book buying sprees. It's been on my amazon wish list for so long, and I needed something to boost me to that $25 free shipping limit. When it arrived I was so fascinated--and daunted. Books are friends. I like to 'rescue' old books, same as I like to rescue critters, and do what I can to rehabilitate them. Also, I read a great deal of non-fiction, so buying pre-highlighted books helps me realise another person's-or other people's- perspective.
Not this book. I bought it brand new.
The day it arrived I opened it up and followed the instructions on the page. 'Break the spine" Do you know what it cost me to do that? I barely creased the spine. Then I put it back up on my shelf, so upset that my book had been so mistreated.
Jamie told me exactly what I needed to do and to hear in her initial vlog post....I must give myself permission to give this book its room and ability to be what it is meant to be. This book was bourn to be wrecked. I give myself permission to wreck the heck out of it too.
Even though it makes me want to cry.....
So, yesterday, after reading and listening here, I opened the book to the one page I wanted to start with...'burn this page'. I am not a closet pyro--I am fully and utterly out of the closet. I am so bad I will make my own candles just to set them on fire and watch them burn baby burn. Think it's just me? Bought the boyfriend flint today for when he camps so he can start his own fires without matches....we are all fire bugs here. The kids too. AND we are all proud of it...
I used an incense stick--think I am kidding? I was letting the boy walk through the house scenting rooms with the incense stick before he returned it to me, quite done with his duty. I took the incense stick and pressed it slowly and gently to the back of the page. It was rather exciting watching the first hint of brown appear, before it charred, turned black slightly and glowed orange for just a second. I burned along one edge of the page--I had meant to do all three edges.....but ya know, it doesn't take very much pressure at all to knock the glowing red fiery end off an incense stick--and it fell right into my lovely shaggy rug...and I am sure there are a multitude of burn holes in it too since as I started to smack the ember it of course burst into like 20 pieces of red hot not quite fire and flew all over--in a rug w tons of thick thick all-cotton twists of curl and shag. I regret to say I am sort of glad now the dog had already chewed a big hole in the middle of the rug recently (chasing whatever toy of hers that got stuck in the fibers) so that I couldn't/wouldn't get upset by the fact that there are now lots of little holes in it....
I was so jazzed from the fire, despite the rug, I decided to do another page....
I did the 'this book belongs to' page...I had no real desire to whip out my lovely new white souffle pen in front of my kids--so I wrote my white name in white out. :-)
I am not comfortable putting my address in the book since I know we will be moving in the next year or so....it may take me that long to work up to some of the stuff in this book......
I also wrote my name on the back of the book, in case it gets lost and someone has to mail it to me....again...I did not include the address...where would I go to lose the book? I never go anywhere except the grocery store--and there's no reason to take the book out then.....
And since I don't like my last name (my married name; we won't go into how the ex slipped it past me the removal of my name change in the divorce papers...it's a possessive thing on his part....)...I am not even about to bring up the word marriage right now.....
I know it's coming...but I like it better in the future and not in this moment. :-)
I tried another page...start writing your own page numbers...
It's habitual--the song 'Chili Sauce' (Morris Day and The Time, from Purple Rain) ran right into my brain--how could I resist? Morris may end at 17, but that's where I begin...so that's what I did...there will be no chronological ordering in this book, if I can help it.
After listening to Jamie, and accepting her permission to wreck this book in order to allow the book to fulfill its life purpose (yes, I am going to have to keep telling myself this stuff....over and over...til the thought of using a page as a napkin is no longer quite so...distasteful...), I took another crack at the spine, literally. OMG, I felt SO bad. But I did it, over and over and over. I was hoping to work through and around the anguish of book destruction....I was praying none of my other books were watching and thinking that such brutal treatment would be meted out to them....I am still conflicted and upset. Every time I look over at this poor journal I want to sob; it is just so cruel and pitiful. Every time i look though, I think this is the book's life purpose...I am helping the book along on its way....and as I help the book, the book helping me to free myself as well...well...hopefully.....anyway...
I do have a new theme song for the deconstruction and reconstruction of this book:
'Wreck You' by Heidi Newfield....
seems so perfect...in so many ways....
Here's to Wrecking!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Checking In With My Self
I am going to ramble. That's all the warning you get.
I can't tell you it's the Full Moon coming, or the weather patterns, or the ocean patterns, or the blood flwoing through my veins...it really won't matter...the Solstice is coming too...Summer. So much involved there. The between times are always hard for me...these Shifts.
My lover was here yesterday. Our time together caused me to shift pretty fast, so fast my earrings couldn't come out fast enough after he left. (Another story that...the earrings...) Yesterday it occurred to me that I never really stop and Ask if these Shifts are good things or not...I have always assumed my shifting means I am progressing, moving forward, growing, you know...good things. I still believe that - I've just never stopped to really consider what these Shifts mean for me or do to me.
One of these days...
Full Moon. The Honey Moon.
Summer Solstice on the way soon. Mid-summer.
Well.
I have not yet drawn anything today. Although I already have the idea forming in my head. I have drawn, and completed drawings, every single day, especially since my dickblick order arrived. With varying results. I am at least happy I am learning more.
I have achieved half of my writing goal so far today. I have written roughly 500 words this morning. And posted it too. You can see what I've done, my little whine session, here at the Pythian Games.
Again, I am not done writing today either. I needed a place to step into things this morning. I found it at the digtree.
Of course, this piece also sums up how I am feeling today. Not just about my writing, or about any one thing in particular in my life right now.
There are so many things clamoring for attention in my mind, so many choices demanding to be made, so many opportunities presenting themselves to me...and everything I keep getting from many sources is slow down, take your time, focus on one thing at a time, don't spread yourself so thin...
The more I try to decide what is best for my family, for me, the more I am led again in the circles, round and round and round again.
Funny thing is, I am feeling strong. I am coming from a place of Power, even if I don't sound like it, even if all of this is swirling around me. I keep safe in the knowledge that slow and steady is the way to move right now. There is no rush yet. No reason to hurry.
So.....
You may be asking where am I on my surrender box collection?
I haven't touched them since the last pictures I posted here, except to move them off the kitchen table. I am waiting for my Box Muse to return at the moment.
This happens to me alot. The stimulation strikes, then there is a pause. Sometimes a long pause. Sometimes a short pause.
Usually I am inundated and cannot keep up with myself. Which causes me to pursue things, drop them, return to them. My circuitous life style.
I have not forgotten the boxes. They will be completed, when their time is ready.
It's the same deal with my Soul Map. I want to do more research, have to walk my own labyrinth here some more, before I can really decide what to put on that map and why. It has not been forgotten at all, but simmers away quite nicely in a pot all on its own, off in the corner. I do walk by and stir it occasionally, yes. The scent is just heavenly at the moment.
Now, where am I on the '12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women'? I am still on chapter 2. I am still working on creating my sanctuary. That translates into clearing and purging and cleaning my bedroom. I get a good bit of headway made --and then the week-end is here, along with my son. The pillow pit gets built. Havoc reigns. I toss stuff all over the top of my little bit of desk (as my computer armoire is in my bedroom --we can't put it anywhere else-my bedroom has the only working phone jack in the house....) and then have to struggle and fight...too many things.
If I get the last 2 bookcases I want to buy for this house, then there goes the pillow pit...and my son loves that...how can I take that away from him? Not to mention it means he sleeps next to me, and sometimes on top of me, but usually in his spot in the pillow pit, reaching out to hold my hand throughout the night....
Then again when R starts (or IF R starts) sleeping over here more...whatever will N do then in regards to the pillow pit?
Personally, I don't think N will be bothered at all. N is still going to reach out and hold my hand while he snores the night away. We'll just have to wait and see there.
Then, what about the 'Soul Mapping' book? Did it not tick me off enough with the first chapter? No? Fine. I just haven't gotten around to it. I procrastinate. Really. I was planning to do chapter 2 there, after I finish chapter 2 of '12 secrets'....that's my plan and I am sticking to it. :-)
Next is, where am I on 'Making Change with Your Muse' with Artella. Well, technically, it's another thing that timing moves with me on. I am preparing to do the second lesson today. Meant to do it yesterday, but the Muse never struck. Not even copying out the journal questions for later answering and pondering...it's not the course, the reason I am so slow. The course is terrific. It's just moving the flow along, working with my Muse and my abilities....getting myself to move some days....
Again I come back and am faced with the whole no reason to move fast yet.
That "yet" is starting to get to me.
The way things move in my life normally? Slow, slow, slow--then BOOM--super light speed so fast superman cannot even keep up.......
So the more my Guides counsel 'slow' the more I want to run that much faster, even as I convince myself they must know what they're saying....
Makes me wonder, way too often....
New today:
When I got up this morning I went to check to see if Jamie had posted anything about 'Wreck This Journal' yet--she hadn't--but that doesn't mean I am giving up til tomorrow. She's probably already posted something by now and I haven't gotten to it yet. Keep in mind...it is coming here. :-)
Also new today:
I tried to order 'Soul Coaching' by Denise Linn. I LOVE Denise Linn and I have several of her books. Until today I hadn't even known that that is the very first book Jamie started with with her "Next Chapter" group. I tried to order it last week. Within 15 minutes of ordering it from amazon marketplace, my money was refunded, with no explanation. Keep in mind, I play amazon and half.com off of each other, trying to find the best deal. This was the only book I ordered from amazon that day. When things like this happen, I usually decide the Universe is trying to tell me something and I let it go. If it comes up again, then I get it. I figure if it comes up again, it must be time to get it then, to bring it into my life then.
What I think happened with this is I have more than enough of this type of book already in my possession; I simply need to get off my butt, do the reading and the associated work, and shut up about it. Those thoughts were crossing my mind as I was wanting to order that book...but I decided I just wanted to order it anyway because I like Denise Linn's style...and I get it...she resonates with me. Again we are back to...just not the right time....so many other things to come about and do right now....
Today for some reason it became imperative for me to grab a certain book out of one of my piles. Now, this idea has been floating through my head here and there a bit lately, more intently the past couple days...until today it had to be done. Actually the original push was to grab for my 'The Complete Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron. What I stepped back with was 'Vein of Gold'. I had started it years and years and YEARS ago, and not gotten very far for whatever reason--this was pre-divorce, so who knows....It has all sorts of writing and underlining in it for the first 40 pages or so and then nothing at all....and I swear I bought this while we were still in AR...so you know that's been a long time...
For some reason, I am supposed to add this to my list of on-going book projects and work my way through it. After reading a bit of it this afternoon, and nearly crying because it was making too much sense, just in the introduction for the love of peace--I tried to warn you it's been one of those days for me--I added it readily to my list of things I am doing now. We will see how we progress.
I am hoping it will give me the direction I need. Right now I feel all too rudderless.
Now, for more tidbits from earlier this week.
I don't know if I told you--sometimes I blog literally in my sleep--as in I dream I am blogging--or at least writing in my journal and sharing it with others--is that strange? or is the fact that all my life I have fought to remember any scrap of my dreams and these days I am remembering all to much from my dreams and it is scaring me....not scary dreams per se, but the things they give the possibility to happening in real life....I swear I am not pregnant. Dreaming while pregnant is a given w me...also a time of tangled weirdness...but this is something stronger, more potent..and that too scares me...and makes me want even more to decide which direction I am heading in with this life of mine...
ANYWAY!
Heather Blakey recommended a book to me: 'Living Your Unlived Life' by Robert Johnson. Not only did I order this book based upon her recommendation, I also ordered 'Inner Work' (which Heather has recommended on one of her squidoo pages...it's been on my to buy later list for awhile now), as well as 'Owning Your Own Shadow', both by Robert Johnson as well. Both have been on my list to buy for awhile, because of Heather. it was her personal recommendation that galvanized me though. Now is the time for these things in my life.
I wanted to order three or four more of Mr Johnson's books, but decided I better wait until I finish with these before I rush to grab more.
As I was ordering books, i decided to take the plunge and grab a couple others I've been eyeing of late.
Leah's post about 'People of the Whale' by Linda Hogan has been whispering to me, wanting to come to me. It's the whole octopus thing for me. I cannot resist. As my Power Animal, I do heed her call when I am able.
Thanks to Hybrid J, Eric Maisel has made it onto my get this when you can list....I ended up getting one of his books that most resonated with me at that moment, although I was torn between a couple. 'The Creativity Book'. I am looking forward to this one. The book Hybrid J has of his has apparently been a great help to her...and because her posts have been inspiring for me, I bought this book.
Today too, my friend Kerry suggested Rainer Maria Rilke's 'Letters To A Young Poet', something I read so many years ago it isn't even funny. I just ordered that one a few minutes ago. If it helps me, it will help the girl when she reads it, and the other children once they arrive and reach that point as well.
Is it a bad thing to be happy in the knowledge that because I am so strange and boheme that all of my children will be creative and inspiring people? None of my children will tow the lines of normalcy, not fall into the whole Big Brother, stand in a straight line and do as you are told your whole life regime? I call that a Blessing, myself.
:-)
Do you know how I am enticing my now 8yo to work harder on her reading so she can read her hero's books? The Vampire Lestat, yes. The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. You heard me right. I won't be telling her about the Beauty's Release series any time soon, but Lestat is a basically harmless monster. 'Queen of the Damned' is E's current favorite movie...what can I tell you? I always shake my head and tell her the books are so incredibly better than that...but she is happy with her vampire music and the ability to actually see 'real' vampires and their culture. :-)
Thank you for listening. I may not have my head all figured out and logic-ed up and everything in a nice neat linear row, but I feel better now.
Now, off to see if 'Wreck This Journal' with Jamie is ready for me! :-)
Blessings!
I can't tell you it's the Full Moon coming, or the weather patterns, or the ocean patterns, or the blood flwoing through my veins...it really won't matter...the Solstice is coming too...Summer. So much involved there. The between times are always hard for me...these Shifts.
My lover was here yesterday. Our time together caused me to shift pretty fast, so fast my earrings couldn't come out fast enough after he left. (Another story that...the earrings...) Yesterday it occurred to me that I never really stop and Ask if these Shifts are good things or not...I have always assumed my shifting means I am progressing, moving forward, growing, you know...good things. I still believe that - I've just never stopped to really consider what these Shifts mean for me or do to me.
One of these days...
Full Moon. The Honey Moon.
Summer Solstice on the way soon. Mid-summer.
Well.
I have not yet drawn anything today. Although I already have the idea forming in my head. I have drawn, and completed drawings, every single day, especially since my dickblick order arrived. With varying results. I am at least happy I am learning more.
I have achieved half of my writing goal so far today. I have written roughly 500 words this morning. And posted it too. You can see what I've done, my little whine session, here at the Pythian Games.
Again, I am not done writing today either. I needed a place to step into things this morning. I found it at the digtree.
Of course, this piece also sums up how I am feeling today. Not just about my writing, or about any one thing in particular in my life right now.
There are so many things clamoring for attention in my mind, so many choices demanding to be made, so many opportunities presenting themselves to me...and everything I keep getting from many sources is slow down, take your time, focus on one thing at a time, don't spread yourself so thin...
The more I try to decide what is best for my family, for me, the more I am led again in the circles, round and round and round again.
Funny thing is, I am feeling strong. I am coming from a place of Power, even if I don't sound like it, even if all of this is swirling around me. I keep safe in the knowledge that slow and steady is the way to move right now. There is no rush yet. No reason to hurry.
So.....
You may be asking where am I on my surrender box collection?
I haven't touched them since the last pictures I posted here, except to move them off the kitchen table. I am waiting for my Box Muse to return at the moment.
This happens to me alot. The stimulation strikes, then there is a pause. Sometimes a long pause. Sometimes a short pause.
Usually I am inundated and cannot keep up with myself. Which causes me to pursue things, drop them, return to them. My circuitous life style.
I have not forgotten the boxes. They will be completed, when their time is ready.
It's the same deal with my Soul Map. I want to do more research, have to walk my own labyrinth here some more, before I can really decide what to put on that map and why. It has not been forgotten at all, but simmers away quite nicely in a pot all on its own, off in the corner. I do walk by and stir it occasionally, yes. The scent is just heavenly at the moment.
Now, where am I on the '12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women'? I am still on chapter 2. I am still working on creating my sanctuary. That translates into clearing and purging and cleaning my bedroom. I get a good bit of headway made --and then the week-end is here, along with my son. The pillow pit gets built. Havoc reigns. I toss stuff all over the top of my little bit of desk (as my computer armoire is in my bedroom --we can't put it anywhere else-my bedroom has the only working phone jack in the house....) and then have to struggle and fight...too many things.
If I get the last 2 bookcases I want to buy for this house, then there goes the pillow pit...and my son loves that...how can I take that away from him? Not to mention it means he sleeps next to me, and sometimes on top of me, but usually in his spot in the pillow pit, reaching out to hold my hand throughout the night....
Then again when R starts (or IF R starts) sleeping over here more...whatever will N do then in regards to the pillow pit?
Personally, I don't think N will be bothered at all. N is still going to reach out and hold my hand while he snores the night away. We'll just have to wait and see there.
Then, what about the 'Soul Mapping' book? Did it not tick me off enough with the first chapter? No? Fine. I just haven't gotten around to it. I procrastinate. Really. I was planning to do chapter 2 there, after I finish chapter 2 of '12 secrets'....that's my plan and I am sticking to it. :-)
Next is, where am I on 'Making Change with Your Muse' with Artella. Well, technically, it's another thing that timing moves with me on. I am preparing to do the second lesson today. Meant to do it yesterday, but the Muse never struck. Not even copying out the journal questions for later answering and pondering...it's not the course, the reason I am so slow. The course is terrific. It's just moving the flow along, working with my Muse and my abilities....getting myself to move some days....
Again I come back and am faced with the whole no reason to move fast yet.
That "yet" is starting to get to me.
The way things move in my life normally? Slow, slow, slow--then BOOM--super light speed so fast superman cannot even keep up.......
So the more my Guides counsel 'slow' the more I want to run that much faster, even as I convince myself they must know what they're saying....
Makes me wonder, way too often....
New today:
When I got up this morning I went to check to see if Jamie had posted anything about 'Wreck This Journal' yet--she hadn't--but that doesn't mean I am giving up til tomorrow. She's probably already posted something by now and I haven't gotten to it yet. Keep in mind...it is coming here. :-)
Also new today:
I tried to order 'Soul Coaching' by Denise Linn. I LOVE Denise Linn and I have several of her books. Until today I hadn't even known that that is the very first book Jamie started with with her "Next Chapter" group. I tried to order it last week. Within 15 minutes of ordering it from amazon marketplace, my money was refunded, with no explanation. Keep in mind, I play amazon and half.com off of each other, trying to find the best deal. This was the only book I ordered from amazon that day. When things like this happen, I usually decide the Universe is trying to tell me something and I let it go. If it comes up again, then I get it. I figure if it comes up again, it must be time to get it then, to bring it into my life then.
What I think happened with this is I have more than enough of this type of book already in my possession; I simply need to get off my butt, do the reading and the associated work, and shut up about it. Those thoughts were crossing my mind as I was wanting to order that book...but I decided I just wanted to order it anyway because I like Denise Linn's style...and I get it...she resonates with me. Again we are back to...just not the right time....so many other things to come about and do right now....
Today for some reason it became imperative for me to grab a certain book out of one of my piles. Now, this idea has been floating through my head here and there a bit lately, more intently the past couple days...until today it had to be done. Actually the original push was to grab for my 'The Complete Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron. What I stepped back with was 'Vein of Gold'. I had started it years and years and YEARS ago, and not gotten very far for whatever reason--this was pre-divorce, so who knows....It has all sorts of writing and underlining in it for the first 40 pages or so and then nothing at all....and I swear I bought this while we were still in AR...so you know that's been a long time...
For some reason, I am supposed to add this to my list of on-going book projects and work my way through it. After reading a bit of it this afternoon, and nearly crying because it was making too much sense, just in the introduction for the love of peace--I tried to warn you it's been one of those days for me--I added it readily to my list of things I am doing now. We will see how we progress.
I am hoping it will give me the direction I need. Right now I feel all too rudderless.
Now, for more tidbits from earlier this week.
I don't know if I told you--sometimes I blog literally in my sleep--as in I dream I am blogging--or at least writing in my journal and sharing it with others--is that strange? or is the fact that all my life I have fought to remember any scrap of my dreams and these days I am remembering all to much from my dreams and it is scaring me....not scary dreams per se, but the things they give the possibility to happening in real life....I swear I am not pregnant. Dreaming while pregnant is a given w me...also a time of tangled weirdness...but this is something stronger, more potent..and that too scares me...and makes me want even more to decide which direction I am heading in with this life of mine...
ANYWAY!
Heather Blakey recommended a book to me: 'Living Your Unlived Life' by Robert Johnson. Not only did I order this book based upon her recommendation, I also ordered 'Inner Work' (which Heather has recommended on one of her squidoo pages...it's been on my to buy later list for awhile now), as well as 'Owning Your Own Shadow', both by Robert Johnson as well. Both have been on my list to buy for awhile, because of Heather. it was her personal recommendation that galvanized me though. Now is the time for these things in my life.
I wanted to order three or four more of Mr Johnson's books, but decided I better wait until I finish with these before I rush to grab more.
As I was ordering books, i decided to take the plunge and grab a couple others I've been eyeing of late.
Leah's post about 'People of the Whale' by Linda Hogan has been whispering to me, wanting to come to me. It's the whole octopus thing for me. I cannot resist. As my Power Animal, I do heed her call when I am able.
Thanks to Hybrid J, Eric Maisel has made it onto my get this when you can list....I ended up getting one of his books that most resonated with me at that moment, although I was torn between a couple. 'The Creativity Book'. I am looking forward to this one. The book Hybrid J has of his has apparently been a great help to her...and because her posts have been inspiring for me, I bought this book.
Today too, my friend Kerry suggested Rainer Maria Rilke's 'Letters To A Young Poet', something I read so many years ago it isn't even funny. I just ordered that one a few minutes ago. If it helps me, it will help the girl when she reads it, and the other children once they arrive and reach that point as well.
Is it a bad thing to be happy in the knowledge that because I am so strange and boheme that all of my children will be creative and inspiring people? None of my children will tow the lines of normalcy, not fall into the whole Big Brother, stand in a straight line and do as you are told your whole life regime? I call that a Blessing, myself.
:-)
Do you know how I am enticing my now 8yo to work harder on her reading so she can read her hero's books? The Vampire Lestat, yes. The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. You heard me right. I won't be telling her about the Beauty's Release series any time soon, but Lestat is a basically harmless monster. 'Queen of the Damned' is E's current favorite movie...what can I tell you? I always shake my head and tell her the books are so incredibly better than that...but she is happy with her vampire music and the ability to actually see 'real' vampires and their culture. :-)
Thank you for listening. I may not have my head all figured out and logic-ed up and everything in a nice neat linear row, but I feel better now.
Now, off to see if 'Wreck This Journal' with Jamie is ready for me! :-)
Blessings!
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