"""The Full Strawberry Moon, the Full Honey Moon, the Full Rose Moon, what a luscious, sensual moon we have to bless our dreams this month."""
She said this--and so much more....check it out...
I walked outside last night and looked up at the moon...
When I looked, I saw the moon ringed by clouds...almost a spiral..radiating out from a honey gold moon into shades of pale pink into dark raspberry further out...
What I also saw was a HUGE face, like the face of Imhotep in the 'Mummy' movies (the ones w Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz), when he was in the sand or in the storm....big wide holes for eyes and an even larger hole for a mouth wide open...
In front of this face, standing directly in the path of the mouth, was a figure. There were hips, long flowing curly hair, breasts. A woman. A woman possessed. She had her arms out in front of her--either like a zombie or--as if she were about to dive off a diving board--or a cliff.....I dream fairly frequently of diving off a cliff...which is strange as 1-I am terrified of heights and 2-I can't swim and 3- I am terrified of water, especially ocean water--even though I desperately love the Ocean...
I stood there in awe, staring and stunned, as my Guides literally whacked me in the back of the head to be sure I saw that...they kept telling me...make a choice...make a decision...now is the time to move...MOVE...DO SOMETHING....
You either jump--take that leap of faith.....or the bad man swallows you whole and you never get to be you and never get what you want (or I become like a 'Men In Black' agent, find something in the man's gut to use to shoot or gouge my way out, fight, triumph, win....but why endure all that pressure....and slime?)
These are pictures I drew in response to that moon....mandalas......
Then, there's my dreamboard.
Now, when I woke up this morning, I had a plan in my head to draw my own dreamboard....but my son turned cranker monkey on me early on. He is beginning to REALLY hate having to go back to his dad's after the week-ends w us. This week-end I was in tears dragging him out of the car to return him to the ex.
Then the ex was a butthead--he was mad at me because he didn't respond to an email and I was supposed to just read his mind. So it was all my fault I didn't assume he would do something in response to an email I had no way of knowing he'd gotten.....and he yelled at me...he yelled at me...
The real issue is not that I should have assumed he'd read the email and should have assumed that he would actually go out of his way to be sure he was there closer to 1p rather than 130P...the real issue is I am in a sincere and long-term committed relationship with my best friend...and I cannot tell you if the fact that T and R have been at odds from the very beginning...for a variety of reasons....or if T is just twisted and knotted all because I am in a relationship at all....regardless of with whom.
T and I were almost getting along. He'd come to drop N off, stay about an hour or so, talking to E, sometimes talking to me. Hanging out and trying to put on the show that we are comfortable and friendly as parents, and still interested in E's life on some level. He would respond to maybe 3 out of 10 emails. He would forward weird things to me he thought I would like.
Then I had to decide to be honest and open and up front--I told him I was in a committed long-term relationship....and then the emails stopped. I get an answer to 1 a week. Period. What time are you dropping N off? That's it. He doesn't respond to questions about N--he doesn't respond to questions from E--his sister had E overnight for Memorial Day--and I told him I was waiting to hear about if he was bringing her home or what because R might have been able to pick her up, since it's a heck of a drive to St Charles/St Pete to here and then back...but I never got a word...not email...not phone call...not a word about when she was sleeping over...if things went ok...until he was pulling out of the drive I wasn't really sure what was going on...and trying to ask him anything is moot since he just ignores me point blank...which he did all through the relationship and is a major reason we never worked....
Now he's here for 5 minutes, if that, to drop N, to pick him up. Today, when he yelled at me, that was the first he'd actually spoken to me in weeks, other than what time he was dropping N off, or grunting some monosyllable response to a question of mine about...anything. And I did very good--I turned and walked away without engaging with him. Which made me feel like dirt. There's my little boy breaking down and screaming like mad and all I could do was kiss him, tell him I loved him and walk away without trying to calm him or comfort him or anything. My little girl had gotten out w us to see T and she had had questions for him too and I had to snap at her and drag her along to get her to move because she was so confused and hurt by his yelling at me. Then R was waiting in the car...and he can read me from miles away so he knew I was ticked before we reached the car...this may be the very last time T gets away w something like this. It didn't take alot of persuading this time to get R to let it go...simply due to circumstances at the moment...but next time--and we all know w T there will be a next time--all I can do is grab the kids and take a walk. I am not worried about a physical confrontation--but there will be words...and they will not be pretty. T already cannot and will not deal w R--R who took the responsibility of taking care of me while I was pregnant w N because T would not and could not--I gave birth to N in R's house, for the love of peace.
Argh. Talk about digressing. My apologies. Anyway--that gives you the whole framework for my brain.
I come home. I have to work a minimum of three hours today to get in my time...I worked over 5--and they were an excellent 5 hours.
I did not have a plan. I just grabbed and did--while I was on the phone w a client.
I had decided a few days ago this dream board would be about my work life.
Actually, it was 6/6/09--and wreck this journal is responsible. I wonder if this book will last 6 weeks. I was on the phone last night, w several different clients, and I kept scribbling in my journal. It IS a journal after all. Instead of doodles on some pages--I scribbled--there is no other word for it. Most of my scribbles had to do with the fact that my job is sucking the life out of my soul and my heart. I love what I do--I hate the company/network I work for....and I am already determined I am not working for the network much longer. But it is the HOW and the WHERE and the WHAT that has me caught and stuck...and I am so afraid of not having money to pay the mortgage, or buy food, or these days, to buy drawing paper and coloured pencils......and as much as I love R and know what he is willing to do for me and with me, I will not allow him to cover my bills at all...I can't. I won't. But I can move forward-I can move slow-but slow counts-movement at all counts. I am determined and I do not give up easily at all.
First thing I did was grab a map I just got in the mail, yesterday in fact. I decided how big I wanted my dream board to be. And I cut the map down to that size. Originally I thought I would use the map as my setting, my backing, instead of poster board or anything else. Then, as I sat on that call, I began to cut out images. Used only 1 source for my images....but it was SO perfect.
This dreamboard is definitely focused and month oriented as well (not long-term, like over the years, as past boards have been...). :-) I am kinda proud of myself there.
The map is because I am always asking 'how do I get there?'--I am forever trying to figure out...'how do I get from here to there?' That's my big issue. So I used it as the basis for my dreamboard. If I have a map, surely I will be able to find my way there. Right?
Again, Wreck This Journal is all over me. I had a bunch of images cut out. I took the map and wadded it up into a ball and tossed it across the room. I went out in search of my smaller pieces of poster board--and grabbed one. Grabbed it and 2 bottles of poster paint--because you know I have to paint my own backgrounds in order to start my dreamboard, every time.
Like a sunflower--or the sun--blooming outward--into the passionate flaming embrace of the red. Hey, colour magic works too, ya know! Plus, the colours blend together, synergy there.
Now, I took my map and smoothed it out, just not too much. And it hit me. I need to burn through my Maya and reach what is really within. This time, I could not just use an incense stick either. So, still on the same call (it was 2 hours long!)
I took my map into the bathroom w me, w a lighter in hand, shut the door, since there is a smoke detector right there, couldn't turn on the vent fan due to the noise/being on a call, but I shoved the shower curtains as far from me as I could, turned the faucet on atrickle--just in case--and stepped back. I folded the map over and over several times. Then I set fire to the edges. I was working on the third edge before it dawned on me that just because there was no flame didn't mean the fire was not actually BURNING the paper. So I immediately thrust the paper into the stream of water, not thinking until almost too late that I had yet another side left to burn and the water would really mess that up....but I did manage, in spite of myself.
No animals or children or household anything were harmed in the flaming of this map. And no fire alarms went off--it's not good w a client on the line to set off the fire detectors--ask me-I do it fairly frequently--too much incense usually. :-) When I smudge the place, it is SMUDGED! :-)
Here's the map after some artful placement and gluing and wiping away of icky ash I knew would not stay in place after I started gluing things down.
This is the basis of my piece, homage to the 5 elements, you might say. At least that was how I was looking at it.
This piece amazes me when I stop and look at it. The images all came from a tourism catalog, all these images--and the map too.
I am interested in the animals that are showing up. Horses. I keep feeling the urge towards raising horses when we get the Ranch. The Ranch is part of my Work, yes, even if it is a couple years up the road. I have already agreed to adopt at least 5 mustangs, from various places, for various reasons. A far cry from draft horses and thoroughbreds, but still, good animals.
There is an eagle. And a whale's tail. I fought putting that whale's tail in there, since Leah has been having whales show up for her in her work alot lately and I read her blog alot....I was afraid I was pulling her stuff into mine for whatever reason...but my intuition and my Guides kept forcing...it has nothing to do at all w Leah. It really is all my own stuff here. I have alot to learn.
There is alot of artistry here too. I found two pottery images, of people working the clay with their hands. Glass working/blowing. The dancers. Carving dolls. Even though I don't work wood this way...the dolls deserve mention. Healing touch/massage therapy. I don't want to do actual and only massage work, but I would like to work more with that part of my life, the healing work I can and I love to do. Gardening. Knitting. Leading people out into the wilderness to show them around. Photography. Drumming. Yoga.
But there is also that distinct family life...the picture of home, of the beach, of bike riding, of dinners out, of canoeing, motorcycle riding. That connection. It means so much to me.
There's also alot of water in this work, water flowing, moving. Fire, to burn away the debris and whatever is holding me back.
But there is also alot of spirituality there too. The labyrinth. The stones. Heck, there is so much peace and tranquility.
I love some of the words there too.
'The fun starts here.' I want to do what I love and love what I do...for all my life.
'Approved!' Nuff said.
'Welcome.' Ditto.
'Doers and Dreamers.' To me that says I can dream and I can make my dreams come true-I can do this. I don't have to just dream the dreams; I can make them come true.
'Tangled garden'...because I want a plethora of gardens at the Ranch, and I do not care if everything is all neat and in straight long rows. I like circles and mounds and piles and so on. :-) I like things tangled and wild and random....
'Treat yourself'--I didn't have anything to put over 'at the square' on that, but it still works. Treat myself. That leaves alot out there....treat myself how? Well. Compassionately. Lovingly. Respectfully.
The last one kept striking me as being out of place, until I kept looking at it.
'The escape is easy. Going home is the hard part.'
I am a Unified Field Therapy practitioner. (So is R btw; and he can so drive me nuts, even though I see the logic of his statements at times...I'm a Pisces....logic is not always what I need to hear....)
Michael Linkogel once said something along the lines of if you want the easy way out, drink, take a pill, smoke something. There's nothing to it. Dulls all the pain and you never have to think about anything. If you want to know, really get clear, really apply yourself, that takes work. UFT is WORK. W.O.R.K. for the practitioner (I totally recommend it as a client--the practitioner does his/her work--you get to be on the table and do what you do, without all the principles in your head....not that you aren't doing anything, but still....I also cannot recommend it enough as a practitioner either...) He always said something along the lines of if you didn't want to work, don't do this, don't undertake UFT training...etc.
Some days, all I want is a drink, just to round out the edges, slow things down...I cannot drink. I am a recovering alcoholic. I do drink now....but only under certain circumstances and I am very careful if I plan to drink to excess.....but that is another story entirely...I drink few and far between, so no worries there......
Some days..I just don't want to work. I want to take the easy way out. I want to avoid all the confusion and the pain and the bleck.
What this little message says...if I do the work and get over myself, I can go home, Home, and feel good about myself at the end of the day.
That is what I want to do.
So, what is my goal about for this coming month?
Unity...of heart, body, mind and soul.
Working deeper into myself as an artist and a writer.
Finding other means of support other than the network.
The dream board leaves plenty of room for opportunities to flow in...plenty of room for the no longer needed to flow out...plenty of space for work and fun, creation and healing, love and laughter, family and friends. A balance, in all areas.
A beautiful life. :-)
That's all I am asking for. Not perfection. Not enlightenment. I want to be happy, in all that I do. I don't even want to be happy every single moment of every single day. I just want to be overall happy. The headaches I can work with--and they will go away.
Here's the dreamboard.
Drying and held down...although I made sure again that things would be wrinkled, mostly because the map beneath is wrinkled.....
And here, not held down at all....
Now, I am off to hang it up. I am planning to hang it over last month's dreamboard, so I can still see that one too, the parts that show around this month's board, as this month's board is much smaller....
Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.
Blessings to you and yours.
