Ok, I actually bought this book a couple months ago. During one of my book buying sprees. It's been on my amazon wish list for so long, and I needed something to boost me to that $25 free shipping limit. When it arrived I was so fascinated--and daunted. Books are friends. I like to 'rescue' old books, same as I like to rescue critters, and do what I can to rehabilitate them. Also, I read a great deal of non-fiction, so buying pre-highlighted books helps me realise another person's-or other people's- perspective.
Not this book. I bought it brand new.
The day it arrived I opened it up and followed the instructions on the page. 'Break the spine" Do you know what it cost me to do that? I barely creased the spine. Then I put it back up on my shelf, so upset that my book had been so mistreated.
Jamie told me exactly what I needed to do and to hear in her initial vlog post....I must give myself permission to give this book its room and ability to be what it is meant to be. This book was bourn to be wrecked. I give myself permission to wreck the heck out of it too.
Even though it makes me want to cry.....
So, yesterday, after reading and listening here, I opened the book to the one page I wanted to start with...'burn this page'. I am not a closet pyro--I am fully and utterly out of the closet. I am so bad I will make my own candles just to set them on fire and watch them burn baby burn. Think it's just me? Bought the boyfriend flint today for when he camps so he can start his own fires without matches....we are all fire bugs here. The kids too. AND we are all proud of it...
I used an incense stick--think I am kidding? I was letting the boy walk through the house scenting rooms with the incense stick before he returned it to me, quite done with his duty. I took the incense stick and pressed it slowly and gently to the back of the page. It was rather exciting watching the first hint of brown appear, before it charred, turned black slightly and glowed orange for just a second. I burned along one edge of the page--I had meant to do all three edges.....but ya know, it doesn't take very much pressure at all to knock the glowing red fiery end off an incense stick--and it fell right into my lovely shaggy rug...and I am sure there are a multitude of burn holes in it too since as I started to smack the ember it of course burst into like 20 pieces of red hot not quite fire and flew all over--in a rug w tons of thick thick all-cotton twists of curl and shag. I regret to say I am sort of glad now the dog had already chewed a big hole in the middle of the rug recently (chasing whatever toy of hers that got stuck in the fibers) so that I couldn't/wouldn't get upset by the fact that there are now lots of little holes in it....
I was so jazzed from the fire, despite the rug, I decided to do another page....
I did the 'this book belongs to' page...I had no real desire to whip out my lovely new white souffle pen in front of my kids--so I wrote my white name in white out. :-)
I am not comfortable putting my address in the book since I know we will be moving in the next year or so....it may take me that long to work up to some of the stuff in this book......
I also wrote my name on the back of the book, in case it gets lost and someone has to mail it to me....again...I did not include the address...where would I go to lose the book? I never go anywhere except the grocery store--and there's no reason to take the book out then.....
And since I don't like my last name (my married name; we won't go into how the ex slipped it past me the removal of my name change in the divorce papers...it's a possessive thing on his part....)...I am not even about to bring up the word marriage right now.....
I know it's coming...but I like it better in the future and not in this moment. :-)
I tried another page...start writing your own page numbers...
It's habitual--the song 'Chili Sauce' (Morris Day and The Time, from Purple Rain) ran right into my brain--how could I resist? Morris may end at 17, but that's where I begin...so that's what I did...there will be no chronological ordering in this book, if I can help it.
After listening to Jamie, and accepting her permission to wreck this book in order to allow the book to fulfill its life purpose (yes, I am going to have to keep telling myself this stuff....over and over...til the thought of using a page as a napkin is no longer quite so...distasteful...), I took another crack at the spine, literally. OMG, I felt SO bad. But I did it, over and over and over. I was hoping to work through and around the anguish of book destruction....I was praying none of my other books were watching and thinking that such brutal treatment would be meted out to them....I am still conflicted and upset. Every time I look over at this poor journal I want to sob; it is just so cruel and pitiful. Every time i look though, I think this is the book's life purpose...I am helping the book along on its way....and as I help the book, the book helping me to free myself as well...well...hopefully.....anyway...
I do have a new theme song for the deconstruction and reconstruction of this book:
'Wreck You' by Heidi Newfield....
seems so perfect...in so many ways....
Here's to Wrecking!
