Originally Posted March 9, 2009

How To Destroy A Relationship In One Year Or Less


Please note: this article is not based on any one particular person. It is based upon many different people and relationships that I have observed and/or counseled over the past years. If you feel I am talking about you specifically, I am not. But if you feel that way, you need to take a deep long hard look at yourself and your relationship. If what I write here resonates that strongly with you, then something is severely wrong in your world that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

First of all, in order to destroy a relationship, when you go out in public together do not sit with, or even near, your significant other. Do not stand by them. Do not interact with them unless you absolutely have to do so. Treat your significant other as if they were just like any and every other person in the room. Always act as if you are not a couple and you are not there together. Even if you are only at a friend’s house.

Do not call your significant other. Do not email. Do not text. Do not IM. Don’t ask how their day is going. Don’t ask them about things they are interested in. Leave them hanging at least all during the work week. Let them call you. Let them chase you. Let them make all the moves to initiate conversation.

Make plans without telling your significant other. Make sure your SO tells you every detail of their life and schedule. Make sure you never tell them anything about your own schedule, even when asked point blank. Be secretive about your life, your comings and goings, and your friends, your feelings.

Keep all your feelings inside. Bottle them up. Do not share. When asked a specific question, shrug and say you don’t know or you aren’t sure. Do not give definitive answers. Remain irresolute and ambiguous. Be unable to explain your actions, your feelings, your decisions. Be unwilling to communicate at all on any level. Focus on meaningless details and explode them into huge arguments. Twist things around and throw them back on your SO to that they feel horrible and useless and lost. That way you feel as if you have the upper hand. Then when they least expect, start making demands and issuing orders and edits without explanation.

Have expectations of your SO and don’t tell them what those expectations are. Keep them guessing about your desires and intentions. Make sure you let them know you have to lower your expectations so that they even begin to measure up even though they are failing miserably. When they question what your intentions and expectations are, be unable to tell them. Resort to shrugging and saying you just cannot explain.

Do not communicate what you enjoy, or what feels good to you. Make sure you do not allow your SO to do anything that they may enjoy. Make them feel belittled and unable to please you. Force them to work harder to please you all the time and leave them unhappy and not fulfilled. Then stop having sex with them. Tell your SO that you no longer feel a connection and are no longer able to be intimate with them until that connection is reaffirmed. Be unable to explain how the connection was lost. Be unable to explain how to re-establish the connection.

Act subversive, as if you are hiding things. Walk away when you are on the telephone so your SO cannot overhear the conversation. Go into another room to IM and/or text people. Make sure your SO knows you are doing this. If your SO enters the room, pretend to be doing something else, or refuse to allow them to see the screen. Go through SO’s things, their drawers, their files, their phones. Read their mail and email behind their backs. Make sure you check credit card bills for strange charges. Treat them as if you know they are doing something wrong. Let them see that you are trying to discover what that something might be.

Do not be interested in things that your SO is interested in. Tell them their work bores you. Tell them their hobbies hold no interest for you. Be non-committal when their family and friends show up. Have other things to do so that you can leave and not be forced to endure time with them. But on the other hand, when you have family and friends over demand your SO’s complete attention and demand they be there and stay there the entire time. Demand your SO listen to details about your work and your day and your hobbies. Do not care when their eyes glaze over.

Do not allow your SO to speak their mind. Give them arcane abstract rules that hinder their expression of their opinions. Tell them they are only allowed to validate your feelings and the way they try express themselves makes you feel uncomfortable or unloved. Do not allow them to speak their minds under any circumstance.

Come over to hang out at your SO’s home and do nothing. Do not offer to help cook, or talk to them while they are doing things, or try to entertain them with stories or anything while they are busy. Sit staring at the television as if under a spell, flipping channels or really getting into one program; it doesn’t matter. Make messes. Leave your dishes on the table, or the end table.

Talk endlessly about how you plan on marrying your SO, some day. Make sure you are non-committal on dates and time-frames; make sure they understand sooner would be better than later. But when your SO does not immediately jump on that trip down the aisle, treat them like pond scum for being unable to commit to you.

Force your SO to do everything your way. Dishes must be washed this way. Your SO must be dressed this way. You So can only be friends with certain people, because you do not like all of their friends, so the ones you do not like must be removed from their life. They cannot speak to certain kinds of people. Make arbitrary rules, like don’t touch me there, and then change the rule without telling your SO and become angry and embittered when they still don’t touch you there.

Do not do anything they ask you. They ask you to show your care and concern for issues in their life by wearing a certain piece of jewelry, for example a bracelet, put the bracelet away and never speak of it again. If it comes up, make excuses and be non-committal. Shrugging and I don’t know are perfect fall-backs. If they ask you to make certain changes to accommodate situations better, say a cat door into the garage because you never clean the little box and the smell is horrendous, refuse to do it. Keep talking about it and research it to death, but never actually do it. Make sure you bring it up fairly often so they know you’re still thinking about it, but refuse to do it as a matter of course.

Force your SO to make all the significant choices, like what’s for dinner. Remain non-committal and shrug a lot. Say things like it’s really up to you. It doesn’t matter to me. Whatever you want. Then once the choice has been made, complain about it. Be disagreeable through the whole meal. Be sure to talk about somewhere else you would have rather gone that is farther out of the way, more expensive, etc. Be sure not to let your So eat anywhere you don’t like to eat, even if it is their favourite place to go.

Tell your SO there is an important to you trip you have to make and you want them to come with you. Be vague on travel times. Do not have any prepared trip details. Even if your SO has already said they have cannot get the time off work, be abrasive and ridiculing when they do not go with you. Make sure they know it’s their fault you could not go.

Do not ever tell your SO that you two are going on a trip, even a yearly scheduled event with a group of friends, as a last-ditch effort to save the relationship. Be bitter and nasty about issues that make no sense. Complain about where the group goes to eat. Complain about the conditions in the hotel. Complain about the atmosphere of the area. Complain if your SO does not drop everything and wait on you hand and foot the entire trip. Be sure to make your SO spends as much money as possible buying you things, taking you places, showing you the sights. This is especially good if you make more money than your SO.

Turns molehills into mountains. An example of this is, you two often go to the same spa in order to get massages, but you never get couples massages because your SO talks through the entire massage and you hate that. Go with your SO to that spa and say nothing about anything to your SO, get separate massages, then start a fight over the fact that they had a massage in a completely different room than you. Argue that it was very important to you that you had the massages together and that your SO must not love you at all. Brook no arguments from your SO; make them feel small and useless and unworthy.

Question your SO’s integrity. Create impossible tests and tasks for them, without telling them that is what your doing, and then degrade them and belittle them when they fail to meet your expectations.

Add people of the opposite sex to your facebook friends list, or myspace, or your blogroll, or whatever. Make a big deal out of telling your SO how great all your friends’ relationships seem to be going, while wondering aloud why you never go anywhere together or do anything. Then decide it is better for you to stay home, online, chatting with facebook friends, or whatever.

Be bossy. Let your SO make all the choices for plans, then take over and micro-manage every detail, complaining all the time that that isn’t really what you wanted to do anyway. Be sure if there are other people involved that you make them feel small and useless as well. Do not be afraid to be a tyrant with everyone.

Ignore your SO’s feelings about everything. Do not take their likes or dislikes into consideration ever. Always be thinking what can this person be doing for me right now. Never think, hey, SO may like to go to this camper show just to look around—think, god, I hate camper shows and you couldn’t drag me there if I were dead.

Forget you know what manners are. Be imperious and demanding. Holler DRINK! and expect your SO to immediately jump up and bring you a drink upon your command. Do not tell them what you want to drink, then when they get there tell them that isn’t what you wanted and to go back and do it again. Forget please and thank you and excuse me. Speak over them. Ignore them. Treat them like an annoying bug buzzing around you.

When confronted, pitch a fit and demand the relationship be saved, then refuse to do anything about it. Tell them it’s a couples thing and no one individual can do anything to fix anything in the relationship. Be sure to refuse to go to couples counseling, no matter how many times they suggest it. Pretend nothing is wrong and pretend that the past has no bearing whatsoever on the present. Have a fake relationship based on social chatting rather than intimate communication.

Based on this, never get married unless you settle for someone you can completely dominate and despise deep down, and do nothing but complain and feel the lack for the rest of your life. There is no way around it.

These are only a few suggestions. There are many more techniques that can be utilized. But for most people, these techniques work quite well.

For The Love of a Super Hero

September Full Moon Dream Board In Process

So, it's time for Full Moon Dreamers today, huh?

The Full Corn Moon

For days now, weeks even, I have had imagery in my head, thoughts of going through magazines (since I am about to purge my way through that massive pile here soon anyway), drawing out images of Home, farming, log cabins, trees, lakes, families in front of the fire place, cheerful scenes w a happy couple, with happy children, rollicking with pets, riding horses, petting goats, the whole enchilada. I was planning to use a big piece of poster board and just go to town.

I was planning to start gathering images yesterday. Nope. Yesterday, I reached the last link on the chain of my well-wishing and tolerance for allowing my daughter to be her own person and find her own way in things. Six and a half 33-gallon garbage bags later--her room is pretty clean. Gone are nearly ALL of this child's toys. The week before we cleaned out her closets, well, I say closets but all her clothes were on her floor in one pile or another, and we sorted and purged. Got rid of the stained and dismally abused clothing. Got rid of all of the too small stuff. Still haven't found the stash of winter clothes I have for her...but surely it can't have gone too far. Cleaning out the storage room is not next week's task--but the week after's. Next week, I go through all the remaining toys in the house, most of which are in my son's room. They are not all his--most of them are collectively theirs--originally I had wanted each child to have their own special toys, and then a grouping of larger toys that everyone shared and played with, so there would be no fighting or arguing. No one else thought that was a good idea--because boys can't play with girl's stuff and girls can't play w boy's stuff--which bodes ill for the fact that I always played Han Solo when I was a kid, huh? Or that I LOVED racetracks and fast cars....uh huh. Says alot about me, I know. When the kids are here, we share. And that is all right. it works real well for us. Let the ex dwell in his own self-imposed selfishness. Not my stuff.

Anyway--my apologies for the drifting there...what it boils down to is...I was far to mentally and spiritually exhausted after going through all my daughter's stuff and tossing out anything that was not where it was supposed to be. All the fighting I did when I worked for pennies to make sure she got everything...and here I was throwing it all away because she has yet to figure out how to respect her own things and take care of them if they mean something to her...a lesson she is quickly learning this time--because now Mama checks every night and anything on the floor is garbage, period, be it in her room or the living room or whatever....

The whole thing makes me sick...literally. On so many levels.

Last night, I couldn't sleep, for a variety of reasons. Most of which being my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is a passive-aggressive monster and she is still playing power tripping games, since they had a dog that lived w him and his two dogs for about three years and then to be a, ahem, vindictive snot, she took the dog... like two-three weeks or so after they officially broke up because she hadn't really admitted to herself that they were broken up...just to punish R and because she was "lonely"--because no one but a dog can put up w her complete inability to communicate. I am honestly not being mean--I've met the woman many times over five years and I have seen her inability and unwillingness to even attempt to communicate in the most basic of situations in action....she still holds the dog and many of R's possessions over his head as ransom...even though she pitched a furious fit the day she realized that it was actually over and had a pre-prepared list of every item at his house that belonged to her that she demanded back right that minute...especially her house key and garage door opener...but she could not return his house key, or other any of the other things that she had at her house that she knew about and didn't bother to bring w her to his house when she came w her list...and she continues to drag it out...for her own entertainment...or because of her own slothful nature or whatever....

anyway...enough of that...I could make such BIG money writing a book about this woman and using her as an example of how NOT to be as a grown-up...as a self-help book it would sell MILLIONS...and make MILLIONS...and I could hold seminars and classes and retreats and everything...lest people become that bad--even my son's dad is nowhere near that bad...and for me to say that, you know she has to be really bad....

I pulled out this canvas I've been working on for the past week. I had no real clue what I was going to do with it. No real clue why I was doing it in the first place, other than I could. I pulled out a brush and some black paint and made a few lines. Went to bed and let it dry.

So, I woke up this morning, thinking, I need to grab the magazines I'd found a few days ago and left on the kitchen table, need to grab more magazines from the stash-o-matic, need to start cutting and pulling and assembling....
and what I did was pick up the painting from last night and start working it it.

Here are pictures of the work in progress....

The background is roughly eight or so layers of paint....I was looking for something....I didn't find what I thought I would find...but I like what happened anyway....
The edges are modeling paste...it was originally supposed to be wave-like, at least in my mind. For some reason, as I worked on the background and the edges I kept envisioning a big sunflower....shiny and happy and bobbing heavy w seed....
That's not what happened either. :-)







This is my heartwood tree.

I have a thing for trees. I have a deep affinity with and for trees. I will work to save the rain forest or some national park or some place local with trees before I will attempt to clothe the homeless or feed the starving....and only trees will make me donate to causes outside my own country...because to save a tree is to save the world. Otherwise, I follow my own advice. I save those here closest to me first, then work on everyone else.
If I want the government to listen to what I have to say (A HUGE joke, I know) I still have to walk my talk...which means we feed the hungry here first, we clothe the destitute here first, we take care of our own first, so we are much stronger and better apt and able to take care of others.
I am in no way downplaying the homeless or hungry or war-torn elsewhere...and I will go no farther here...it just makes me angry and I am upset enough today...


This is my heartwood tree.
This is the symbol of everything I am working towards.
This is my mighty oak grown from the tiny acorn.
We do not have all our leaves yet. We are still growing, but we are strong and firm.
This is the representation of everything I want this month.

I want to find that home where we can lay down those deep roots and not worry about the upheaval of the rest of the world displacing us.

I want to climb the branches and find the secret things I do not yet know where my business is concerned.

I want to connect every limb of my family with every other so that we are a whole and functioning unit.

Maybe this is a flowering tree. Maybe it produces fruit or nuts. I want to be there, have my family around and with me, as we undergo this process....

This is my journey for the month.
Mostly it starts with finding a place to call Home where we are safe and united.
That is my goal.

Poetry Play Today

Poetry Play Thursday 9/3/09

Hey, it's not midnight here yet! :-) That makes me on time, pretty much!

I so love this form--anything octopus and you know I am there...and you know I have to do things my way...I wrote two versions tonight--but I plan to play w this form more later on....


First one:

Her Hair


pale bloodless frozen ice blue
like flesh swimming beneath the flow
winter's hard gaze
unforgiving unconditional
dripping down crumbling tiles
bumbling over twisted gutters
raindrops tittering
skittering over fallen limbs
scarves caught on the railing
left out to dry all soaking
draped over the sodden lawn chair
collapsed over on its side
no mentalist leap needed
as snow drifts puddling
just like ice cream left too long
on the sidewalk in the sun



Number two:

Peace of Mind


mermaids tail green sea-worthy
frozen over underwater tundra
caught between the aisle and the island
swept up in the hurricane
wrapped warm and tight that blankie
taken from the family couch
lost in the memories
eaten slowly from within

Poem A Day 3 of 3

myriad thoughts
rumbling tumbling bumbling
wicked and wild
through my mind
teasing fingers prying
little shadows vying
each detail shouted
out behind the window
nothing comes in clear
even though i know it's there
how to reach it
how to grab it
how to draw it all inside
and put it into
practical use
loop up that artistry
harness it with logic
bring in the new breeze
and set us up for life
doing what we love to do
and never looking back

Poem A Day 2 of 3

I don't know
I look into your eyes
I can see it all there
But not the from here to there part
I know viscerally
It is meant to be
I can see
All down the line
How we can succeed
How things are so good
Between you and me
I just don't trust things
The bells in my head
They ring and ring
And Guilt speaks up
About
How I've ignored those bells before
But there is so much more
Here
Between us
We already have a past
We already have a basis
We already have a foundation
There is none of that left out in the open
Waiting to see if the other show will drop
If the way you squeeze the toothpaste will drive me nuts
Or if you shower often enough
I already know all of that
Silly as it may sound
Ones that came before you
Made these things big issues
For me to keep an eye out
And an eye on
I don't know
How much of this is my past
The baggage I carry around
How much of this is current circumstances
And a horse that keeps drowning
Demanding you be the one to step in
And pull its head out of the water
How much of it is my own
Fear of good things
Of actually being happy
Of not having to worry and fret and fear
About being able to relax
Feeling secure
And loved and wanted and worthwhile
I simply do not know
But as long as you are willing
I shall drag you along for the ride

Poem A Day Day 1 of 3

Eric Maisel is kicking my butt. I am SO GLAD Hybrid J 'introduced' us....

I am working through "the Creativity Book', slowly and with much forethought and butt-kicked trepidation. And loving every minute of it too.

Here's the Poem:


Untitlted


all the things i do
all the running around
all the trying to catch up
to keep up
who am i doing these things for
why do i bother
i don't care what joe thinks
i am not interested in what the jones' are up to
i am happy just doing my own thing
playing in the dirt
weaving with my fingers
baking bread
teasing children
chasing rabbits and deer
reading my books
scribbling a time or two
dabbling in paint
and braiding my hair
i am happy with myself
what else should i care

I Wrote It Yesterday!

I swear I wrote this yesterday...but for some reason left it on the laptop instead of transferring it over and uploading it...I try to keep the laptop offline when I am writing so I am not tempted by email or surfing or anything at all .....
But I did write this yesterday, and before 11a as well....anyway...here you go, my

Talkative Tuesday

piece.....





He’s out there again, brooding around in the dark, with the mist and the dark of the moon. He’s snooping around that lake again. Never tells a soul what he’s after, what he’s up to down there. You do have to wonder what the appeal is, out there, with that soupy fishy smell that leeches into your hair and your clothes.
No one is sure where this fellow came from either. He just showed up, picking through the trash outside Darla’s house. He seems mostly harmless. The kids avoid him like the plague, but the neighborhood dogs are always all over him, wanting to play and whatnot. He can’t be all bad if the hounds keep after him all the time.
Wonder what he’s looking for there. Fred told me the boy once told him he’d lost something when he got here and he’s trying to find something important. He can’t go home til he finds whatever it is. That young man must really like Fred, as he barely raises his eyes up to look at anyone human around here, much less speak to them.
I’ve seen him pick up baby birds and stick them right back in the nest and the mama bird never minds him a bit. The lad is a wonder. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, mind you. Those icy blue eyes of his, so pale they are almost colorless. He doesn’t always seem to be all there. Always something shifty going on there.
Out there in the night, all them vapors pouring up around him. It just doesn’t seem right. He never takes a flash light. We know he sometimes dives into the lake, because sometimes we see him walking around dripping water from all his pores, trailing marsh grasses along in his pockets.
He’s not all that bad. Just a strange one. I really do hope he finds what he’s looking for out there. I hope he doesn’t get hurt while he’s finding it either.

What A Perfect Question

Jamie, the wonderful enchantress of wishes, asks us a beautiful question today:

What do you wish to begin?

What a perfect question for me today.

Yesterday, I pulled out my little tester 9X12 canvas and just started smacking paint around on it. By the end of the night, I was into the modeling paste and building something wave-like around all four edges. The current thought pattern is I must be working on my full moon dreamboard already, setting and preparing the background. I don't know. All I know for sure is I had to start...something.

Looking for a house has begun. There's one situation in progress and moving forward, slow as that might be as I am letting my significant other handle things for the time being.
Although I have already issued the warning that patience is not my virtue and if he doesn't move I will.
I can't live like this anymore. And I won't.

Sarah has always been an incredible champion about me doing art--and selling it...so I have a selling blog set up--I even have some pictures on it....but I haven't had that click yet where I have felt, yes, now is the time to stick the prices on and start telling people, hey, I'm selling this stuff....but the more i think about it lately, the more it seems as if the reason I am stalling is not merely 'timing', it's because I want to do something else with my images, more than say, cafepress, and I am not yet certain what that is.
I wish to start working more at selling my art and getting it out there in the public eye more....I jsut have to figure out the hows of things.

Some of the things I wish to start have already started, I just want them to move faster...I don't think they should count.

I wish to start actually actively putting together my books of poetry so that I can list them on lulu.
That requires typing everything, organizing everything, drawing the pictures that I am using in the books...
I have stacks of poetry...from high school and beyond...and R and I decided we are going to publish them.
R has a bunch of poetry I have told him I will type up and arrange and publish as well. I really like his stuff so much better than my own....
The man has a talent, whether he likes to admit it or not...

I keep having the need to say I wish to start my own multi-level multi-stream business.
This is what I wish:

I wish to start my own multi-level multi-stream business.

Now, I just wish I knew exactly what that meant.

I have so many half-formed, half-conscious, corner of the eye/brain thoughts sniffing around at the edges of everything....they simply have not appeared fully clothed and ready to be examined and mustered and brought fully into the light of day to be put into action.

I guess this is my gestation period.

I will find my way in the wilderness as things present themselves to me and I can throw them up against the wall of my partner's brain and find the reality-based pieces that we can really use and put into practice.

Yes. Ok.
Now I am satisfied.

I wish to start my own business.

Thank you, Jamie, and fellow wish-casters. Some days Jamie hits us w that perfect question that draws from us that which we need most of all because we haven't been able to put words to the almost thoughts and/or emotions and then -bingo-we nail it, because of her gentle prodding and direction.
Thank you. :-)

Black on Yellow

More of the same, only on yellow drawing paper....

The Black And White

Just up close of the black and white trees....

Oodles of Doodles

I spent about an hour, playing with markers and pencils, trying to recreate the one image that for some reason means Home to me…that red tree in the picture there…I had scribbled it mindlessly a couple years ago in a notebook…probably doodling while on the phone or something…..here are the prototypes…some have gone on and become finished pieces that will be displayed…elsewhere…but here is my Dig Tree Progress….and part of my journey towards finding Home….

Kendall the Prairie Dog

My daughter loves her prairie bonnet...so much so she has to share it w the dog. Kendall is far less appreciative of the darn thing...

More Wedding Stuff

So, you know I am working (or have been working--it's on the night stand waiting for me right now...) on my own wedding shawl....test knitting a pattern I designed myself...and when I started it I was ASTOUNDED by how much re-writing needed to be done w it...but still.....

I sent my mother four blank kilt pins to play w for the wedding attire...since I spent literally days combing etsy for something just right and unable to find anything...and my mother nailed it all exactly w her pins...they arrived last week...I am more than happy...and not just because they are pretty or because my mother is so talented (she really truly is....), but I am thrilled that my mother made these for me...I don't have alot from my mom...and I know when we get married she won't be able to travel to the wedding....

I don't think any of my family will be able to come to the wedding...even if I want them to come...because they all live on the East Coast and we live in the Midwest.....it's rather depressing, because if I thought they would come, I'd be alot more open to inviting everyone and planning a larger fete for everyone to enjoy....

These are the pins...aren't they terrific?
They all go together...and yet each one is just a little different....
My mother is a wonder....

You Wanted To See The Dresses?

I don't know how well the colours show up on anyone else's screen...and I am sorry for how very lame the pic is...but I took it w both kids running around and that was the best I could do off the top of my head....and w a 60 pound squirrel on my hip (ds) to boot...

The one is ice blue--I bought it eons ago--it was supposed to be for my fifth wedding anniversary, which we never got to...if I remember correctly we were divorced before our fourth anniversary...but still living together and sleeping together at that time (I was pregnant w E then)....oddly enough...the dress was bought so that we could renew our vows on our fifth anniversary since we had originally eloped instead of having an actual wedding....

This time, I still don't want a huge to-do when I get married. I want something small and intimate and basically very family-only oriented....unless I can con the guy into a trip to Vegas.....although my daughter wants me to do the whole wedding thing...where there is a trip down the aisle and all the formal garbage...the ring bearer, the flower girl, the maids of honor...ye gods and little fishes...I'll do it, but on a small scale...small....E would be happy if we had 100, maybe even 1000 people there....me, I want maybe ten, tops, including the groom, me and the two kids, plus a minister/justice of the peace....so you know I am not aiming nearly so large as E...although she can have whatever she wants fairly much at the reception, which can have 100 people, or a 1000 people, or whatever she and R desire, cause once the vows are exchanged in a delicate and tasteful manner....let the Irish in me out, baby, cause I am here to play....

This ice blue dress is a very simple shift, mostly straight down, nearly floor length if I remember correctly. I will definitely need a shawl or something, especially if I wear my hair up....I love my tattoos and I stand by them, but I don't want that to be the only things you see in the wedding photos...sorry....

The turquoise one is one I picked up at random on etsy months ago....it's hand-made--and it does not require a petticoat under it to make it pouff out either. It is very cool and fits like a dream. And it covers up alot more tattoos than the other one...and undergarments are much more forgiving under this one than the other. The ice blue will outline every little detail.... the turquoise is ...it's heavenly....and it is very sturdy and well-made and I don't want to say heavy exactly...but it is not feather light either.

I like them both. And since they were both bought for the same reason, wedding dress, but under vastly different circumstances and for very different men (the ex-husband and then what I call the shadow-dream man who no longer exists) I may go with either one or neither ...and now I am looking at spending my life w my very best friend...and these dresses are terrific...but who knows...I may get an entirely different dress when R and I get married one of these days.....we'll have to see...

Ok...so I am still afraid of that level of commitment..but the man is wearing on me and growing on me...and he has always been the one man I could see in my life until the end of my days...I just never imagined we'd be together as a couple when I knew this before...now that whole married with children forever and ever...it's here and it's not going away....better than that--I don't want it to go away.....so there ya are on that....

Bubble Boy and Dream Girl

Catching Up With The Texty Ladies

If I were to follow my heart…where would I go?
If I were to step inside my mind, take the spiral stairs down, deep deep way down into the dungeon that is my heart, what would I find there?
I know all too well the oceans and rivers of tears I have cried, and the tears I have kept inside…the ones that ever burn and collide, breaking through raw scabs and never allowing the healing to get by….
I know the dangerous jagged edges to the rocks that have formed, scaling far into the sky of my soul, peeling down into the earthen roots of my spirit.
I have long watched as one wound appears, volcanic mush and ash shoot forth, spewing ragged ichor everywhere, pushing out any new growth, burning it to the ground, forcing me back to ground zero, compelling me to seek other surer footing on my journey.
I have flown through those stormy skies, weeping in wonder at the pain and the sheer lucidity of so many unheard dreams languishing powerlessly from within the corral, behind the stone walls, far back behind the moat, these things I built in order to protect myself from the cruelest of cruel, those who claim to care, to love me, to hold my best interests in their hearts….
I can turn my face away for as long as I can stop my ears from absorbing the noise. I can burrow my head in the sand, pretend no one of it exists, laugh and play and pretend to trust and to believe…but it never really touches the dead zone in me, where the things that should have been still hang from trees with insects sucking juices from their eyes, murdered in the name of love, slaughtered in the name of good intentions…there is no way to avoid the echo of my screams, of my please, as I seek to free me from this quagmire past, as I yearn to break out, fill the moat, scale the walls, fly and fly and fly some more…..
How do you let go of a lifetime of misery when it is the only thing you know?


Prompt Found With the TextyLadies here

Restoring The Dig Tree

I find myself standing amid the debris and destruction that was my dig tree. I am not disenchanted or downtrodden or sad. I find that I am feeling strong, happy, hopeful. I search through the shards and shrapnel of exploded wood with care. I do not know for certain what it is for which I search, but I am sure I will know it when I see it. I stand there astounded by how far out the blast area reaches. Even though the lightning strike had caused a huge contusion, it hadn’t occurred to me that some much could have been thrown so far. And yet, it obviously had been. I walk slowly, circling, from left to right, in ever-widening circles, then ever-shrinking circles, over and over again, losing all sense of time and space, going in and going out, as my brain ceases to ponder the whys and wherefores of what happened last time I stood with this tree. I merely observe and attest to the reality of nothinglessness.
The remainder of the trunk remains attached to the roots seems to be stuck canted half in and half out of the dirt. I see shriveled blackened roots. So much of the wood appears to have died long ago, densely choked with noxious black goo, as well as plenty having withered away to tendrils of ash and dust. However, there is also a lot of healthy growth showing, where there were good times, places where healing continued as best it could under the circumstances. Even amidst this chaos of death, I can see the tiny fragments of life beading up, demanding their own fighting chance to survive. I cannot and will not take that from any of them.
I start to think I have spent enough time here, commiserating with the left-overs of the tree. Apparently, whatever it is I came to find is no longer here. Or maybe it was the memory alone that I was to gather and hold tight as my own. I walk away, back towards where I had come from, when I see it, about twelve feet away from the main core of the trunk. A tiny seedling, gasping with hope and vitality. My tree does not grow from seed, but from seedling, from an outgrowth from the roots that sends up new shoots at random periodic intervals. Here I am. Here is the spark I have been looking for, waiting for, needing to gather up with gracious arms and loving tears, to transplant to another , much safer ground.
With the utmost care and lightest of touches, I clear away the ground, digging around to ensure the safety of the root ball. The ball of craggly earth that I prise up is nearly three times larger than the sapling itself, but I don’t care. All I know is I must protect this baby. I carry it in my arms until I return to my abode, not quite a home, now less than a house since my heart has left it. I fill a deep wide pot full of the richest soil and plant my tiny tree in the pot, covering it with more fresh dirt and mulch. I will give it three days to adjust to the changes before I water it, in order to protect the roots that much more, according to the way I was taught by an ancient gardener long ago.
I offer it prayers, send energizing love and sweetest healing powers deep into its roots and its core. I set crystals around its edges to catch the sun and add that much more healing power and energy to the soil. I pray over it, weaving ribbons of light around the pot, the trunk and the tiny little leaves that bravely spurn the arena of death we so recently departed. I know that once I find my Home, I shall dig a wide deep hole and burrow the roots of this tree into the earth there, where I shall nurture and attend to this tree constantly, with all my love and ability. Where this tree grows shall be my everlasting Home. Now, in order to protect both this tree and my family, I must look even harder for that home that is meant for us.











prompt found at The Dig Tree

Manic Monday Back On

Manic Monday 179

What is the first thing you notice about people?

their posture

What song always makes you happy when you hear it?

right now? that's not my name by the ting tings

What fashion trend do you just not get?

pants pulled down uhm--below the butt line.....

Do Morning Pages Count

if you do them on your blog?

I go through fits and starts with writing my morning pages. Ever since June (miscarriage), I haven't been much able to write much more than the date and the title (morning pages) and maybe a sentence or two.
I have been trying to do more, but nothing has been coming yet lately. Which is ok w me for the time being.

I woke up this morning. Ok, so I was awake-ish and the dog had to go out. She got vaccinations yesterday, so I was pretty ok about getting up at an ungodly hour to let her out, just in case she really had to go...if you know what I mean...plus, I wanted to make sure I emailed R first thing before he left for work this morning as it is his first day at his new job...

I didn't really go back to sleep. R called on his way to work to pick on me. Then, of course, work started at 8a and I always have a call first thing on Monday. Most days I have a call waiting by 8a.

When I did get out of bed, I knew today was going to be a terrific day. it is also going to be a list-making day. I love to make lists. I am good w completing a list, reorganizing a list, dropping unnecessary things off the list, adding more things to the list....

First thing, today is trash day. There is still stuff in the carport that needs to go. I took some of that out to the curb today. Also, looked at a couple things and decided I wasn't going to bother moving them.

That shed we never built--I am not keeping it--so I am going to list it on craigslist. That's on the list.

Pulled the big not my art work art work off the walls this morning--haven't thrown them out yet--it's Van Gogh and it hurts me to toss them out, even though they are only framed posters....I am waiting to see if anyone misses them before they go away. Plus, taking them down opens up and reveals empty places on the walls. I am not all together comfortable w seeing the empty spaces at the moment. Makes me feel disconnected, disjointed, not really steady or ... safe somehow....

Now--here's your warning for today:
I am putting this list together here so I cannot deny it--I cannot lose it--and if I post it here I will stick to it and not back out....

No coffee this morning. If I have coffee first thing, the milk and sugar hit my system and I won't be hungry for hours--which is not good, because my stomach has been on the way towards anorexic again lately (it happens, especially under stress...). Yesterday, with the kids and the boyfriend, I ate more than I had all week. So that was a good thing. I talked the bf into taking us to dinner, since we took the kids out for lunch, and my original intent was just to have chips and salsa (Mexican place) and a margarita--but when we got there I was actually hungry. So that helped, on many levels. Although one margarita and I was ready to go home and go to bed to sleep...all that I'm so tired just hit me before we even left the restaurant...

I am working through two Eric Maisel books at one time....very slowly....
"A Writers Space' and 'The Creativity Book'.
The exercise I am on currently w 'A Writers Space' I am applying to far more than just my writing space--I am applying it, in bits and pieces, to the entire house. Sorting through bit by bit and finding out what works and what doesn't. And w the rest of the house, that is also moving into the realm of what do I want to take into the new house and what do I want to leave behind here....

Now, my rule on the house (any house) is it has to bedrooms for everyone. So, we automatically need three bedrooms. And as much as it may scare the bf, I am still planning for more small fries at some point in the future....and right now I want my own space/room for my work--not just for the writing...but for art and sewing and gods know what else will come to mind--I'd like to be able to actually get to more of my yarn stash and fabric stash at once time....so four bedrooms would be nice....but three bedrooms is fine.
A basement is mandatory. I let go of that w this house due to the storage room...I am over that now...I need the space of the basement ....
I want a nice kitchen--it doesn't have to be perfect or five star chef quality...but I want a decent kitchen. For the kitchen here, I gave up alot alot alot...but in so doing, when we move, I did manage to accrue a great deal of storage space and cabinetry that will move easily to the next place....I am not willing to give up that much for a kitchen again....
I have been fine here, making due with things as they are...but this time...we are moving on up and we are dreaming bigger.
Washer and dryer go in the basement....
Which reminds me. Before we do move, I need to get in contact w L, the very sweet lady we bought the washer and dryer from, to see if she wants to take the washer back. There's not much wrong w it (the button to engage the spin cycle needs adjusting or it doesn't get pressed down when you lower the lid)--I just want to get my front loading washer and moving is a good excuse....although I will have to wait on that a bit too, since I may not be able to get the front loaded washer at first....we'll have to see. But when it comes to it, we will contact L and see if she wants it back....

Another thing is my smaller deity focused artwork may not be so prevalent on the walls of my future house. We'll have to see. We are still having pictures of the kids up; we are still having pictures of family up; but there are alot of other things that can be set aside for awhile. My Marilyn Monroe figures I have in my bedroom have been bugging me for awhile now...I just haven't gotten around to taking them down....
One thing that it bothered me when we moved in here that I wanted to do and we didn't was paint. We do things right in the next house, which we didn't have the space to do it this time, is to take everything room by room and paint before we set everything up--and if we have a basement--that would make everything absolutely easier.
I still want my red wall in the living room/family room. And my own bedroom is about to become a shade of red as well. Although I am still nixing E's black room...although we can do a little bit of black accenting for her. N wants a purple room...but here too I am nixing things, because purple alone will cause mental instability (scientifically proven fact, look it up) so I was thinking more of a purple wall and a green wall. Or rather 2 different shades of purple and two different shades of green.
Ah, now see, we walk into the paint discussion and I can stay here awhile.
Burnt cream into yellow for the living room. Ocean blues and greens for the bathroom--and we will at some point do the mermaid bathtub thing too....w the tub here I knew when we moved in we'd have to do something in the bathroom to fix something--so I never pushed anything about re-decorating. We were planning to uncover that window behind the plastic shower wall...but now we aren't going to bother. Like the backdoor we were going to replace. We aren't going to bother.
The kitchen I want done in darker blues and yellows and whites. lol So much opportunity to be had.....

I am not afraid this time. Last time, when we were moving in here, I was so worried, about every little thing. I am not worried with this move. I know where to get boxes. I am not afraid of hiring someone to load or to drive or to unload the truck once we get the place. I know we are not going to have any issue getting a place, once we decide for sure which route we are going to pursue. I am not that hard to please and I trust my instincts. Add into the logical disposition of the bf--and we are all covered and safe. I am not going to obsess over every tiny little detail or crack in the pavement or anything else. (Sorry--this was a jibe towards someone no longer around...oh, the stories I could tell you there....)

What is actually more scary is the more I am focusing on the yes, this is the way we are going, the more clear everything is becoming, the sooner I feel everything is going to start happening, the better things are getting, the better things are feeling and the dog-gone happier I am feeling.

So, boom, there is it. :-)

Well, I have been wanting to take all my books, or at least most of them, off the shelves and re-order everything. When we moved in here, I was just so happy about having the books with me again and shelves to put them on that I didn't really do much towards keeping different subjects all in the same space...so here I am looking for my mythological studies books and can't find them--looking for various reading books for E and can't find them....lots and lots going on....I have more than what I need, normally...it's just a matter of finding the things I want at this point....

I kept all the mirrors...I sometimes forget about that. What I worry about is moving the altars and the statues--this is something I will do by hand, myself. I always seem to forget that the mirrors are part of altars too....my brain moves from topic to topic to topic and there is no real rhyme or rhythm today...just hey look at this and make a note of it....here here this too..hey don't forget....that sort of thing....

Do you know, I really think it does not have to be either car or house. I really think we are going to find a way to swing both, one way or another... I have no clue how...but I know we will do it....

I am supposed to dream bigger, right? So, here I am. Dreaming BIGGER!

I also have to organize the schoolwork for E and for me. I have located the most recent MO homeschool laws so I am up to date on them. There is nothing there I shouldn't already be doing, so I am good there. I just need to have a more formal documentation in case it is ever needed at any time. I am wondering if, since I just ordered the homeschool IDs before we decided about the house and moving, if I should order a set of IDs for MO....honestly, I think the IL ones should cover things. We'll be in St Louis...it is not a far stretch to say we are here at the science center from IL or anything....

Among other things..so many other things to get in line and work out and work up....I still have RVS sitting here waiting to be put into the process.....

All these goals in my head. The kilt pins from my mother arrived this morning--and, oh my gosh, does she do some beautiful work. I haven't touched my shawl since June, although I look at it every night and often throughout the day....that is something that needs to be completed for a variety of reasons....I finally think I am beginning to understand why I asked her to make up four of them instead of just two. They are gorgeous (pictures are forthcoming...) I guess I need to quit 'stalling' here....and actually get to work for the day...even though despite all the typing and whatnot, I have managed to accomplish quite a bit ....

Now, for bits and pieces I have been meaning to post and haven't....at least a few I can remember now....

I am all geared up and ready to go with Jamie Ridler and crew for The Next Chapter: The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. My copy arrived some time last week, and I've been meaning to post about it ever since.
There is still plenty of time to sign up...the journey does not begin until September 18, 2009.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but the Hestia's Hearth group has taken on a great deal of meaning for me right now.
I am planning to write my way through leaving an abode and creating a Home.
Not to mention, as I work my way through books like: "Women Who Run With the Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, 'Goddesses in Everywoman' and 'Goddesses in Older Women' both by Jean Shinoda Bolen, 'In The Dark Places of Wisdom' by Peter Kingsley...among many others...I am expanding and reaching out so much more than I was before. 'Living Your Unlived Life' by Robert Johnson had an extremely profound impact on me. Impact I am still working with and working through right now. There is so much going on, When I finished 'LYUL', other than thinking I needed to work and re-work some of the exercises in the book, my next thought was--terrific--I get it--I can apply it--I can work with it--where do I go next? What's the next book? what's the next journey?
And hello, ask and you shall receive...here we are sitting at Hestia's hearth and a whole new retinue of reference books to read and absorb....and I am planning to do my best....

I do not give up easily. I am used to working within and creating my own parameters in order to accomplish and to do things. That with which I am faced at the moment is nothing more than this. A pathway that I am exploring--and I have no qualms about the fact that I will come up triumphant on the other side.

Today I turned off all the a/c units--they had been set to draw the air in from outside for a few days now...I am afraid to take the smaller ones out of the windows lest a sudden heat wave attack us and I have to beg R to come over and re-do things I should have left alone...this morning I opened all the windows that I could to let in the fresh cool breeze (and the pollen from autumn pollinating trees, to which I am allergic ;-) but HEY! I can deal--that's what a neti pot is for! :-) )
E is doing her school work without too much nagging. We have a deal about the clothing in her room at the moment. Things are going very well here. It's finally good to be the Queen again here. :-)

I am looking forward to a great many things now.

Now, I have to get around to setting up the curriculum schedule, for E and for myself. The netbook is really cool for keeping track of this stuff. :-)

More to come...
Ciao....

Cusping....

Well, I've been having alot to say these past couple days...and have been busy doing other things....so today before the bf comes over in order for us to take the boy back to his dad's, I decided to spend a little time trying to stick in all the little tidbits and updates I've been meaning to put here....

For some reason, the first thing I did was go visit Ces--or rather her blog. Sarah 'introduced' me to Ces, via one of Sarah's posts.
I don't think I have ever 'spoken' to Ces--mostly because I am intimidated. I do visit her blog as often as I can, because her work, her drawing, her painting, her writing/blogging, is ....like food for the soul. Then again, I usually go to her blog when I am feeling depressed and untalented--because I find her work so mind-boggling perfect and incredible--I hope to some day be able to do to trees what she does with simple pen and ink--she among many....

Makes me want to cry--I drew yesterday..I've been picking up the pencil a little bit more lately...but I am still not really getting as back into as I was before the whole "June issue" --but I am getting there. I stopped writing for years and years due to being utterly miserable--and then it was working for SBC and finding a new sort of misery and subjugation there that causes me to start writing again...so go figure...at least now I can say that it is joy and happiness that keep finding me and inspiring me....


This is just a random doodle...it had originally started out as a mandala...then became Mickey Mouse...then moved on again. I didn't notice until the day after I scrawled her out...but she has a tear running down one cheek, as if the pencil slipped and I never knew it...because I had no clue...

Now, here's the way I was planning to start this post today:

How do you know for sure I mean to move into a new house?
I told the ex, my son's dad. As bizarre as it seems, he is usually the first person I tell things to, or at least in the top two because some things I run past either my mother or father first....but normally T is the very first person to know the big stuff going on w me....
We can say it is all because of N--and truthfully that is most of it--the other part is I keep trying to lead by example w him--if I speak up and show him how communication is supposed to work, maybe he'll catch a clue. Hasn't worked to date (going on seven years now...) but hey--ya never know.
T was one of the first people I threw out the whole we're moving....because we'll be moving to the MO side of the river and I wanted to make sure he'd gotten over himself. I still don't trust him--but I do have faith in his willingness to be a lazy slug as long as no one pokes him w a stick or dump salt on him--which I have no intention of doing. I do not like the man--and I disapprove of way too many things...but I get to see my son and occasionally get information about my son--sometimes even pictures too...
I did not tell T once--I think I told him at least twice in email and I made a point to tell him in person too.

So, if there were any doubts about the fact I am moving up--let that doubt fall away.

We are dreaming bigger.

Not to mention, if the bf can swing the financials, we are aiming REALLY big--but that will mean a great deal of work on my side (mental, emotional, spiritual...) because I am still in limbo about living w anyone at all...much less him. Funny thing is, he and I have lived together before--merely as room-mates. As lovers, and as parents, it's a whole new ball-game--and one i want in one hand and am desperately afraid of in the other...as alike as we are, we are in many instances direct opposites...ahhh...I could go on and on there...and I know above all other things the second he says this is what we're doing and this is what you're doing I'll do it after kicking up a storm and him just basically talking me into anyway. The verbiage I would use here, he'd just force me into it, is just too brutal, because force is not anything that goes on in our relationship--it's more he pushes me through my fears whether I want to go or not to show me what I want on the other side of my fears anyway--because he can see through me and through my fears...

My friend Kerry and I have been talking about being on the cusp of things--and just how frustrating that can be.
It feels like everything is being turned upside down--and I keep getting hit with what other people term as 'negative' stuff--and I keep seeing it as positive--because if nothing else it is the Universe saying this is wrong for you--you need to do this...which in my mind is a GOOD thing...except when I get stuck in those darker moments and I am thinking am I forcing the positive spin on things because that is what I do -- am I forcing reality to be what I want it to be--or am I seeing things clearly enough to be able to say yes, definitely time to move on and be happy about things, rather than focusing on the not good and getting mired in it....I far prefer to move on and be happy than to dwell in the muck. I've had enough muck in my life. I have spent this past year clearing out more and more muck. I have spent this last year working on me and opening up different doors that I had shut long ago.

As I have been pondering here, it's time to walk fully through those doors, rather than just cracking them open to let a little tiny bit of light through. I am getting there. One step at a time.

Ahh--today we are taking the kids out to play...then the dog to the vet to get her shots (woo hoo for seven day a week vet clinics--maybe I can ask them about putting Cricket up for sale as well....I don't think I want to continue as a bird person once we move...but both R and I are fairly neutral where Crick is concerned--I jsut think the bird needs someone who knows more about birds and can take mo' better care of her...who can work w her and train her and whatever....)

I'm off for now--and oh yes--pictures of the two dresses I have here for wedding dresses are coming.....please stand by. :-)

The Blue Dress

Hannah's Tutus are amazing.

This is the dress E chose to be the dress she wears to my wedding....if ever I give up and let go and decide to actually agree to do such a thing. Bf notwithstanding. :-)

E was given about five choices of dresses, and this is the one she liked best.

Her dress--cost about twice as much as both my dresses that I have did combined.........how is that fair again?
Of course, for the one dress, I ought to buy a crinoline for under it....but it is not required--and since we are in no way there yet, I don't have to contemplate any such thing at the moment.....
Gods help R when I do though!

Pictures From Tuesday

We went canoeing.




We went spelunking.




E got her second front tooth in--it finally burst through the surface of her gum.....

We had a great deal of fun...and no visible sunburn either.....

Returning to The Dig Tree

You would think, as whiney as I was last time I stood before this tree, with my pick in my hand, deciding I was too tired and too whatever to actually just dig in, that I would have gotten over myself and my little childish whims before I came back again. Ah, but that simply is not so, because here I am, glaring at this crummy twisted tree, yet again, scowling and angry and more than a little irritated with everything, blaming the tree for my own vapid indecision. Fine. Here I am. I shall be here now and plain old get over myself.
I did not really come prepared this time. I have no shovel. I have no pick. I have my hands, with no gloves to clothe and shelter them from the rocky ground that surrounds and protects this old dig tree. At least this time, I can say with the utmost certainty, I know why I am here; I know what I am looking for….I have achieved all my major dreams…only to find out…I need to dream bigger…but…what do I have left to dream about, when all is said and done? Do I even know how? Are the dreams already there, as I suspect, locked inside of me, locked down and afraid to come out, lest they actually be seen and brought to fruition? If I dig deep enough, will I be able to find them? Unearth them? Bring them to the surface? Shine the light of day upon them and breathe true life into them? Will I be able to find Me in there?
Lucky me, I am so focused on dirt and rock and the need to claw my way down below, to strip forth the roots of this tree, to expose the me I know is in there somewhere that I cannot yet find, I fail to look up, fail to notice the sky growing solemn and menacing at the same time. I fail to notice black and green roiling clouds. I do not hear, do not feel, the rumbling growl of approaching thunder. I do not feel the shift in the air, the ozone sizzle that stings my eyes and makes me sniffle. I do hear the whip crack trill of the lightning striking; I am thrown back by the blast as it strikes the heartwood of my tree, not merely breaking it open, but exploding the inner recesses outward, revealing dark swirls amidst the pale yellowed core of the tree.
I can no longer deny it; the tree is me, in effigy. Here I stand, sundered by the will of the Universe, spread out, spread open, splattered into so much shrapnel and splintered slivers. Here are all my dark shadows, all the scar tissue, all the broken pieces that when assembled transmit me to the masses. Here I am, struck dumb and silent, smoke burning my throat, tearing my eyes, peeling away the somber matter that hangs over me like veils from a past I no longer sustain.
I pick myself up, dust away the ash and dust and little bits of nefarious ephemera that persist in clinging to me. I might as well get this over with now. As clear as this celestial push is, as pure as the motives here are, I cannot deny that this is the best and most perfect time to delve in with both hands, mindless of scrapes and bruises, to rip away the unnecessary bondage I have spent so many years wrapping around myself. To pry loose that which I need most to bring about my own clarity and release my vision, loose my spirit upon my own stead.
I step into the debris, mindless of the poking and prodding, the sharp gouges, the biting fingers, trying to hold me back, pressing to tie me back down. I start to grab whatever I can find and fling it away. I am not even stopping to see what I pick up and throw over my shoulder.
There is the house. I wasn’t too picky when I bought the first one. All I wanted was three bedrooms and to be close to my son and his father’s house.
There is the tie to my son. Wanting to be physically closer. Emotionally closer again. There is a lot of fine detail that must be worked on there.
There swings my job, working for myself, but without the much finer detail. All that much needed detail, to expand and expound upon all things there.
There goes my writing. Not enough clarity there either. Too little sketched out to be useful. Barely enough to keep things flowing along.
So much for my drawing and painting; somehow it was set alongside the road and abandoned when a frailer time hit. I need to flesh out those bones so much more.
There stands that good man, tall and slender, with the glint in his eye from staring into the sun, just as I requested. You know, there is not so much I’d change about him. I do need to change the way I deal with him, so unused to being happy or content am I.
Where is the car? The one I can’t even drive due to fear and insecurity all over again? Put that one on the list of things to do. Must find said car. Get into it. Ride that pony one more time. Until I am ok doing it once more.
Here is the income to support the family, the children, to get them into different programs and much more. Here is the safety net I have needed. Nevertheless, there is so much more. So much more out there to be sought, if only I can pry deeper down and chuck things out and keep them straight. If I can set my path, I can find a way to navigate. If I can just figure out where I want to go, the how I want to get there will fall into place.
I come down to the very core, the exact center, of all that I am, all that was this tree. I stand up, stretching out my stiff back, surveying the damage I have caused in my inquiries and harried reachings and gropings.
I can see there shining like a star above all, the Rescue Ranch, that has for so long meant the world to me. Even as I see the promise that I made to that wonderful man, that I would not separate him from his family, would never come between him and them. I stand by that. I am not one who would force such an inhumane choice upon anyone. I see that there must be changes made in the application of achieving this goal, but as yet, I am not certain which way to go, or how to go about doing it. Although I am certain I am not giving either the Ranch or the man up for anything.
There is working for myself, and so many details to pick up and poke around and set into an order that makes some sort of sense for me. There is the phone work, which is going so tremendously well I almost cannot believe it. Though I know that I want more. I want to step out more into the Healer role. I want to step more into the Teacher role, outside of home-schooling of my daughter, and of myself. I also know that my writing needs to take more precedence. I know my artwork needs to take more precedence. There are dolls dancing in my dreams, talking to me about the way my hands move across the substrate of their flesh and bring forth the living beauty of them. There is poetry to write and to recite. There are fibers to be woven and knitted together. There are teatimes to be taken, one sip at a time. So many things, each in its own time, must be separated from the herd, taken down to brass tacks, evaluated, determined, investigated and set out into the world on two steady feet to take growth and boom forward. To blossom and create and procreate.
There is my family. The children of my hearth currently among us. The children of my hearth that will be joining us soon enough. From old sources, as well as from new sources. There is a great deal of detail needed to clarify things with family, from handling former fathers, to incorporating current households, to moving on and expanding things in all directions. Here lives too much fear and shyness and inability to reach for what I want and for what I hope and desire for fear of all that I want being taken away by cold uncaring hands. This place requires patience and compromise by one and all.
Speaking of households, there comes the need of a new house. A new dwelling, with new specifications, new ways of filling things, new ways of letting go of things, new ways of interpreting the way things come together and what it all means to me, and to us as a family, to everyone involved.
There is the business of education, of my own, that of my children, and we as a family together at large. There are rules and expectations and evaluations and so much more. Details. Details. The devil is in the details and we need to make that devil earn his meals here if he is to remain and to prosper along with us, as we plan to do.
There is training the dog. Deciding what to do about the bird. Figuring out who I am and who I want to be. Dealing with all the detritus from my past. As well as that from the boyfriend’s past as well. So many places to touch, so many scars to break open and scrape away the old and the dead. So much new wood now bursting to shove out shoots and to begin new growth. I simply need to go in, decide what I want to grow and in which direction it should go, and set things into the ground so that I may nurture and encourage them. Feed them well. Water them plentifully without over-watering. Prune them back as situations adjust and grow.
At least now, I can take that step back, free from my ire and my angst, and look more clearly upon these little seedlings straggling before me. Now, I can release all of this garbage I have been carrying around on my back and continue the process I have only started here with this clearing away of so much deadwood. First a shower, and a meal, and then I shall come back, take each little wisp of new life, and delve into its mysteries and where we want it all to go this time.
This time I will seek out the heavens and beyond before I entertain any sort of limit to my goals and desires. I shall fly on gryffin wings and soar, breathing dragon’s flame and dragon’s desire all over everything, purifying my way, burning away my fears. I do not expect an easy path. I do not expect instant perfection. I do however believe I shall achieve and over-achieve all my goals. I shall surpass all my very own dreams.
Surely, above all else, I shall prove once again that I am blessed and ever shall be.






based on a prompt from:
The Dig Tree

So, The Bomb Has Gone Off

At least the one in my brain.

I am not 'blaming' all of this on Jamie either.
Now, her questions might be the fulcrum that gets me moving some days...I will not deny that...and she sure has that knack for asking the questions that I ask myself and that I need to answer--questions that without her prompting I might leave eddying around in my brain....

So, maybe, maybe, I will just tease her and say, well, she started it! But please know, I mean this in jest, and am not blaming anything on her for real.

Jamie is truly a great Enchantress; she knows just where to lead people to spark ideas and thoughts and visions. She is genuinely magical. I am privileged to be included in her endeavors.

Now, I am not promising short today.
I have about a trillion things bombarding my brain lately.
And yes, these things have been coming, and I've known it. I was thinking I had more time with things and apparently I don't. Which if you've ever read this blog, you know, that's how things work for me. I get BOOM BOOM BOOM and everything falls into place.
I keep getting the same feeling....before the truck accident happened last November. Only this time, I am watching and seeing the signs, loud and clear.

It sounds horrible to say, but, when I bought this house, I never expected to be here more than 3-5 years. When we were in the process of moving into the house, when E and I came the first time from WV all by ourselves, where everything worked out well and we made it here fine and everything, she asked me how long we would be living here...my automatic intuitive answer was 3-5 years.
I had a reading a few months after moving in and the reader said I'd be here about a year. We're coming up on a year now. I didn't believe her at the time, not really. I scoffed. What was going to make me choose to give up my own freedom and leave? Other than a man and another house...and a man willing to pay to move all this stuff since I still to this day refuse to contemplate packing and loading and killing myself the way I did last time....much less the whole I am not touching a moving truck ever again in my life....
When we moved into this house, there were options available to us. There was still a certain man that could have come through to us, could have been 'the one' who swept me off my feet, married me, got us all settled and shot for the rescue ranch and everything else...and R was supposed to come later...after my marriage to the first guy and his marriage to a new girl all on his own (and for one certain person's sake-no, he was meant to find someone after you because of the way you acted for the past couple years--years--not months, not weeks, but yes, years....).
That was the way it was read for us when we moved her. That was the way it was read for him. In fact, the fact that he and I were going to get together--and have at least one kid together--after going our separate ways in other marriages first--really surprised me.
From the moment I met this man, I knew he was going to be in my life for the rest of my life in one way or another. I had always assumed we would just be friends. I never ever thought there's be a romantic connection. I never actually thought I was good enough for him. I also never really thought he thought about me that way. Despite all our joking and teasing to the contrary.

I made different choices. I allowed -- no-- I purposely closed the door on one man and opened it far more fully to the other. I am more than happy w R. I may not understand why things are so bizarrely crystalline and why things that have never bothered me before in any other relationship suddenly take on a whole new life of their own when in relation to him. But then again, I have never been in such a raw and honest relationship before either--so I can see the logic behind the cacophony of emotion that arises. Not to mention, I have had very little actual safety in my life--when I am with him, near him, in his arms, I am Safe, capital S. He says I do the same for him--and I really hope that I do.

Just as the Universe keeps pushing me in one direction these past weeks, so has the Universe made sure, especially today, from a variety of sources, to let me know that I am loved and fully supported.

I keep getting the reminders I need from the people I will instinctively listen to...as well as others...everyone around me...cheering me on. And, yes, alot of this I can blame on Jamie, as without Wishcasting Wednesdays I don't really know where I would be. :-)

I need to get my head clear. :-) After what I wrote for wishcasting yesterday, the one thing that keeps barreling through my head is -- you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger.....

As I told one friend today, I know the dreams are inside me. I just have to find them and drag them out.

So, this is where I am heading today...to locate my dreams, probably hiding and cowering in the darkest recesses of my heart and brain, afraid to see the light of day, lest they actually draw breath and become real....failure is really so much easier than success...but failure no longer lives here...only good things this way come...I have spent too many years wallowing in the guilt and pain from and of others...I must shake off their shackles, the ones I took upon myself and claimed as my own....here's to freedom...and to clarity....

I'll let you know what comes of things...as I reach them myself.....