General Update

            Ok.  So I think I am understanding why I set up the other blog.  I have a mentor on hand at the moment who is trying to help me get my business and my professional life sorted for better…actualization of my plans?  For lack of any other description than that at the moment.  I am withholding judgment and a good many other things until I am certain of anything.  But, hey, at least we are moving forward here.

            Speaking of moving….we looked at houses this weekend.  We spent Sunday afternoon perusing a few open houses, with E in tow.  The original intent was to get a feel for what we (bf and I) are both after in a home together.  Well, we found an incredible house that we both love.  Three acres of land.  A fenced backyard for the dogs.  Tons of room inside.  A fireplace.  An incredible kitchen.  A wooden deck out back.  Ah.  At least the bf is checking into the viability of us actually getting this house.  We already have an offer in mind.  Money to put down.  Plans for the basement and so many other things.  It’s beautiful.  And if not this one, then there are plenty of others out there just waiting for us. 

            I have been running on a lot of energy from others lately.  Haven’t really stayed my own course through.  Too many what ifs and assumptions going on in my world.  Things are never dull here.

            I watched Underworld the Rise of the Lycans Sunday night.  Well, ok, so for a lot of it I was asleep on the bf’s chest w the girl curled up against my legs, but I got the gist of things.  I really like this movie.  I am impressed with it, very much.  I would like to point out that Sonia was blonde in the Evolution film, and far more pregnant than she was in this one, but overall, this was an excellent flick, in and of itself, and it tailored itself in nicely to the other two movies.  I really like that.  Some of the characterizations were off just a touch, but not enough to really set my teeth on edge.  I do like the trees in this movie, of all things.

           

            Which leads us to another segue here…upon recommendations and amazon reviews I bought Alwyn Crawshaw’s Ultimate Painting Course…I need more than this book offers…I was looking for something particular and this book isn’t it, although it is a very good book, please do not get me wrong—there is a lot of information to be had in this book….one thing I got from my original skimming of this book is the decide what you want to paint…decide your favourite subject….mine is trees.  The second I paused on that section of the book to read it, I knew.  Trees are my thing.  Not ‘landscapes’ or forests or anything so..vast..or maybe so typical…but trees.  Individual trees.  With their gnarled twisted branches and vast array of branches off shooting from other branches.  I saw an amazing tree this weekend…you could not see the tree for all the vines and ivy crawling up and over the thing…it had already dropped all its own leaves, but was green from root into the branches from its symbiotes.  Or parasites, depending upon how you look at it. 

            I also watched the Other Boleyn Girl.  Now, I have studied Queen Elizabeth.  I studied her sister Queen Mary, barely, but still.  Mostly in regards to Elizabeth and not really into her own life or times.  I have also studied Mary Queen of Scots.  I have never really delved into the complexities of Henry’s court or anything of that nature.  I did not know Anne’s sister bore the King a son, much less a daughter.  I knew only on the periphery that someone had bourn the King a son.  I’d never researched farther into it.  This movie was very well done.  I love the way things came together.  I love the way things were portrayed.  As annoying as I found the view points often shown through the walls and barriers, I understand that is how court was held then.  Someone was always listening.  Someone was always watching.  Be it maids or servants or other royals.  There was always someone there, even at the privy box door.  I was not all together certain of Eric Bana  pulling off King Henry—but he actually did a terrific job.  Although all I have been able to think since the end of that movie was they called Anne a Witch—because her uhm girly  bits had the power not only to change one man’s religion, but to change an entire country’s religion in the process.  She changed the world by the power of her girly bits.  Such is the power of girly bits, people.  If you know how to use it, you can control the world.  So it has been writ the universe over since the dawn of time.  However, I do think it is time to invest some study into the machinations of that court prior to Elizabeth….I love this sort of thing.

            My son ‘reconstructed’ one of my journey dolls for me this weekend,  Funny thing is, it was something I myself had wanted to do, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I think now she is even more lovely.  He broke off one stick, the one that was much longer than the other.  Now they are about the same length.

            I must do research on kachina dolls.  I will reveal more of the project later on, but I need to make two bodies for kachina dolls.  I am not making the heads/masks.  Only the bodies.  Hmm.  Very interesting.  I have been looking for something to push me to buy the armature wire I have been wanting, to try out some of the ideas in my brain…..

but which avenue do I go?  Traditional kachina…or my more …known…safer…spirit doll body methodology….research research here we come….

           

            I have also been asked to knit (or crochet) something for a friend.  She offered to pay for it, but I will not hear of that.  I need to go stash diving in order to pull the yarn, but this is going to be fun.  J  I love things like this.  Maybe I will be able to finish the other project I have had in mind for this friend…for months now…I’ve even started several times only to frog it every time.

            Does anyone have a good recommendation for a toe up sock pattern book?  Now that I am so proud of myself over the Turkish cast on, I want to make the bf socks.  He’s going skiing in Feb and I am supposed to knit him some ski socks.  I have no clue what that means yet, as I plan to take the man to a couple yarn stores to check out yarns before I commit to anything yet.  My red Venus doll, which is what started this entire process, is coming along quite well, in my opinion.  I am eager to see how she looks once she is finished….I still need to figure out what I want to do with the Kali Ma pattern.  I know I want to make her…I just have to do it.  Still wish there were a Sri Ganesh pattern available from the same designer.  I love her patterns.  I have four or five now.  Even though I have only finished one doll from the patterns I’ve bought.  I shall have to research toe up sock patterns and books in a bit as well. 

            I have pulled information and prompts from another writer’s group I am supposed to be a part of and haven’t really done too much with lately.  I shall begin posting prompt session from them as soon as I am able. 

           

            When I sat down last night and began to go through the ‘assignments’, it dawned on me that other than planning things for the NaNoWriMo project, I have not been in control of the topics of which I have been writing lately.  I have been working from prompts and more prompts.  This is not a bad thing.  I am writing.  I am just wondering at the path I am currently taking, wondering if I am setting myself up for something else down the road.  We’ll see.  I am writing and that is good enough for me at the moment.

            Speaking of prompts, I am off to see the textyladies for Talkative Tuesday.  Plus, I do need to rewrite last week’s prompt as well….

            TTFN….

Manic Monday # 181

So, I sort of forgot to post it til now....but at least I remembered it this week....




What's one new thing you tried this summer than you've never done before?
Turkish cast on
Hey-I am pretty proud of myself...

What is the one thing you miss the most about summer when it is over?
I am supposed to miss something when summer is over?
Uhm, I don't think there is anything I do in summer I don't do the rest of the year and don't prefer in, say, autumn, maybe spring....

If you could eliminate one source of anger in your life right now, what would it be?

the girl would be more cooperative with her schoolwork--everything else we could deal with if she would jsut put forth some effort....

Morning Update

     I figured out the Turkish cast on (knitted).  I am actually proud of myself.  I started my doll…and am about to start the increases/shaping after her feet (more about her later on…), but the thing I am most excited about is now I have no fear of toe up socks…which is going to mean a lot of trouble for the bf once I start procuring yarn for socks for him.  I already have more than enough knowledge about fibers to find the wicking fibers and I know certain fibers fight odor as well (athlete)…now I not only have the confidence to knit socks, but I have someone who will not only wear them, but who will actually enjoy them and appreciate them.  That means a lot to me.

     My Alice costume did get here.  The shoes are killer.  A touch small, but that’s ok.  I had a choice between a size I knew was a hair small and a size I knew was way too big…I took the too small shoe because I know I can deal w it.  E is thrilled because I said she could have them after Halloween—she was most displeased when we were in Burlington and I was buying heels and she could have none.  They don’t make spikes or stilettos for little girls—for a reason.  Although I hate to say, the kid can wear about a size 5 in women’s shoes, so if I pushed it I could get her something…but the rule is she has to be able to walk in them—confidently.  She needs to work those platform sandals of hers more.  Although, I must say, I am impressed that she is trying as hard as she is to develop a confident walk/stride in them. 

     We had a chat about being able to walk in heels and was amazed to see her actually get it and put it in to practice.  If you are going to wear high heels, or heels of any sort, you have to be able to pull them off.  You have to be able to walk with confidence and surety and grace.  She is trying.

     I haven’t worn really high heels in awhile.  In years, for the most part.  I used to be able to run, full tilt, in 6 inch stilettos.  I’ve run over concrete, gravel, mud, all out, pounding the pavement, in 6 inch stilettos.  That was how I got the most exposure to wearing them.  Not to mention catwalk training too.  J But still.  I always worry when I wear them now, so much did I let the exs erode my confidence.  I wore my favorite platform sandals the other night to the store.  I learned there too—do not move sideways or you will stumble, but overall not a bad deal.  A lady stopped me to compliment me on my shoes—which are wooden with carved out hearts in the center of the platform—and which she said obviously did not come from around here (nope, PA)—and also to compliment me on the way I walked in them.  I think that made a big impression on E, the fact the lady took the time to compliment me on the graceful way I walk in them, especially after making comments about how terrible some people looked trying to walk in heels, much less platforms (the lady didn’t say anything we hadn’t already said—it’s one of our games, making comments about how people walk in shoes, etc).  I am just happy I have not lost all my touch. 

     I am quite pleased w the rest of the Alice costume as well.  It’s a nice cotton, very well made.  Needs to be washed of course, but otherwise, I am thrilled.  I think I should have spent the extra $3 and gotten the tear drop slip, but the one I did get will be fine regardless.  And E helped me pick out ruffled tap pants to go under it when we were at target the other day.  This kid is going to be a Victoria Secret’s model one day.  Mark my words.  At least I am drilling the right attitude into her.  You wear this stuff for you, not for anyone else.  The shoes, the lingerie, clothes in general.  You have to like it, or don’t wear.  And yes, we watched the VS fashion show together when it was on.  She spent a lot of time ogling shoes.  Although come to think of it, at that time I did make a comment about wanting a man who looks at me the way Seal looks at Heidi—and now I have one.  True bliss does not begin to cover things there.  Happily ever after.  All those clichés.  It’s as mind boggling as it is scary, but at least we both agree, there is no reason to doubt the things between us.  We can be afraid; at least we talk through everything.

     N is very very pleased with his pogo stick.  He indeed knew what a pogo stick is, although T and I still have no clue how.  And he did know how to use it, basically.  It took a bit of coaching, but now both kids are happy to pogo for a few seconds here and there.  They are very nice to and with one another too.  They take turns, one holds the pole so the other can get on and jump.  Then the jumper holds the pole so the holder can jump.  It’s so sweet. 

     He is also overjoyed w his zathura game.  It’s the second time I’ve bought this game.  We still have bits and pieces from the original.  I tossed most of them when we moved here because too much of the game was gone.  N actually slept with the game, in its box, last night.  It needed its own pillow.  I was just really happy he didn’t want to sleep with the pogo stick too.

     Since he got an R2D2 cake from T’s friends (they are so very cool) and today he is getting a Hulk cake w the cousins’ party, I made fudge brownies for him, because every time he comes here he wants brownies and chocolate cupcakes.  I was only willing to bake for so long yesterday, so no cupcakes.  The brownies turned out excellent though.  E and I sang to the boy and we had a ton of sparkler candles—for everyone.  We had candles in each individual piece of brownie.  And E got to have hers lit several times, just to watch them burn out.

     E is not feeling well this weekend, but N’s lethargy from the past couple weeks is totally gone.

     I have been having some very interesting conversations w my friend Kerry lately.  We have thrown some ideas back and forth that are generating stories on both parts. 

     And I swear, Hybrid J has me addicted to Eric Maisel.  I am still working through the original two books of his I bought, but felt the need to order two more as well.  One arrived yesterday; the other will be here any day now.

     I figured, on top of everything else this month, that I might as well order the last of the writing books I have on my list now so I can make the official declaration of I shall not buy any more writing books—even though I said that about knitting books and if amazon marketplace people actually had the books they list for sale I’d have a Barbara Wallker treasury this week.  But no, that seems to be too much for many people.  It’s like the fifth or sixth time in the past couple months I have ordered a book only to be told the person selling it no longer has that book in stock and cannot sell it.  I can understand making a mistake, or not knowing where you put it, but my issue comes when people list the same book on four or five different selling sites, and then forgets to remove it from all the sites once it sells from one.  That is the problem I keep running into lately. 

     Now that I have the full run of other events out of my writing bones, I can re-focus on Hestia’s Hearth and K’s Journey and the new pricklings of the NaNoWriMo project that is beginning to percolate through my brain.  And butt eating toilet paper cover dolls too (I told you—Kerry and I have a wide variety of discussions … ) I need to pull my notes and see where I stand w certain things.  I know I am behind in my studies, but not overly so.  Sometimes I require more time to percolate than others.  E is writing again too.  When I cleaned out her room this last time, I found the two (actually three—there was one she only had put the book together and written a title on it, nothing more) unfinished works and she has taken them up again, once at a time.  She is reading all too well lately.  She will now stand over my shoulder and read while I IM my bf…which is not always something I want her reading…although I do keep it tame in her presence.

     Oh, and I finally slipped the yoke of the mac where email was concerned, which means no more mac.  Which also means I slipped out from under AT&T—one of these days I hope they learn exactly how badly they are screwing themselves over with off-shore customer service.  It’s not just AT&T that needs to learn that either.  Anyway…I dumped AT&T and went through gmail exclusively—and guess what—gmail has no issues whatsoever at all with my outlook program.  Although I am going through imap just because I have the laptop and the netbook and the desktop and I want to make sure I don’t inadvertently lose anything anywhere along the line…but if I have issues I can always go back to the regular pop server. 

     The one thing about the outlook version I have currently, which I am planning to upgrade here soon, is imap is not included in the space where I can instill rules on every email that comes in.  The main inbox accepts rules, but when I go to set rules up under the gmail account, outlook doesn’t show that as an option.  I know there is a way to do it, other than upgrading, but I am not interested at the moment in finding out.  It does make me look at every single email and digest and newsletter that comes in…and since I have to move each email one at a time, I get a real good look at what comes in to me.  Which is another reason I haven’t started to complain about needing to get the upgrade done/etc.  It is making me take the time to examine what comes in to me and to see if that is really something I need or want coming in.  I have removed myself from many groups recently due to my inactivity, even though I was still interested in the group and did drop by from time to time.  I am about to do it again.  There are quite a few groups though I am unwilling to give up, even though my level of participation is mostly me reading more than me participating. 

     We’re going to be looking at houses today.  We have price limits if we head in one direction (just the kids and me) versus needing to see where and what our limit is if we all combine (as in bf, kids and me) – and we get to look at motorcycles too.  Bf is finally selling his mechanic’s special and seeking out a much better, more mechanically sound bike.  And he keeps telling me he’s going to get me to take the bike licensing course too—although I think I should get over my fear of driving/traffic before I try that.  Although I love bikes.  I practically grew up on one, til I had my accident (bike in the barn, spider, hot muffler, straight to the drs we go, then Ma made Dad get rid of the bike)—but my heart has always been on a motorcycle.  My dad is still shocked I can’t drive one myself yet, but I was never w anyone before who was willing to teach me.  Not only will R take the course along w me (he’s already done it), but he’ll help buy a bike too, as in picking one out, but still.

     Sometimes patience is a good thing, in so many ways.

     I am off now.  Too much to do. 

     Peace.

Coming To An End

I grow weary here

you throwing wrench after wrench

in the plans I continue to make

with the love of my life

why is it your presence

and your anger

that drives the wheels

round and round

why hasn’t anyone pulled the rug

out from under you

put you in your place

smacked you in the face

and told you

you are no queen

you do not rule here

no

these are not friends you have

they are sycophants

people too afraid

to do anything more

than your bidding

whatever it takes

to appease your temper

to stay out of your angry flow

now I have a good man

now I have plans for my future

for the future of my family

which includes more room

to grow

and yet

and yet

patience is called for

because of some irate cow

who rides around on her high horse

and refuses to get down

it would break her heart

it would tear her down

if only she knew

if only she realized

he has moved on

and moved on for good

once and for all

no longer at her beck and call

no longer her whipping boy

done and done and done some more

but if he comes right out

and let’s everyone know

he’s found real love

true love

forever and ever love

the kind where he too makes plans

for the family

and the future

and the expansion

of all that includes

then the ogress grows mad

has fits

and everyone to frightened

to tie her up

and tie her down

it is so sad to think

a creature so sorry

stands in the way

of so much happiness

so much honor

the one good thing I do know

and I will say

her dreary rule will not last forever

the castle blocks now crumble

I stand here watching

as her castle walls fumble

there is no attack

except that from within

that she makes herself

it may be sad to watch

but it is a necessary thing

like the shark snacking

on the unsuspecting seal

it is a purifying thing

maybe more than he can be saved

there is hope

we can pray

may sanity be granted to her one day

as for us

there may be that delay

before we can burst out

into the sun

and show the world

what we already know

there is no parting us

not in this world

nor any other

we stand strong

we stand solid

this is our time coming

and we will never look back

good-bye oh gruesome beast of ire

may you find peace

for you whatever that means

Rambling and Rambling And More Rambling (thanks for listening)

Yesterday was a busy day busy day…so much to get done and so much yet I did not accomplish….but not for lack of trying on my part.  I did finally find E’s winter clothes.  I had moved them to a smaller container, so I could use the bigger one for the denim and felted sweaters I was planning to turn into a denim quilt and a felted sweater blanket.  Those plans are still in the planning stage as yet, although they are going to stay on hold for quite a bit.  At least until after we move and are all settled into our new house. 

I finally managed to get into the storage room and clear stuff out.  I am not going through the magazines as fast as I planned…although I am going through them.  It does seem the mouse issue has been resolved.  Electronic pest repellers are awesome.  Not to mention all the other stuff I used in that particular room.  But hey—we be mouse free here now.  And I think thanking the snakes outside as well is in order….since there are a bunch of newly built snake holes all over the place outside….

I had such a good month with work last month.  Yes, we are saving for a house.  Yes, I am still thinking about getting a car—I still think my nerves are too raw to drive, but we’ll get there when we get there.  I know once snow and ice touch ground here, I won’t go near a vehicle.  Not to drive it.  ANYWAY!

I have been trapped in the weirdest relationships since I was a teen-ager.  (Which, not counting my current bf, totals three—one of which I do not like to count because did it even last three months?  Hey, rebounds are like that…that’s my excuse and I am sticking to it…)  I grew up in the 80s, the decade of power suits for woman.  The big broad bulky shoulders (and even then I ripped the shoulder pads out of my shirts and everything else…I’ve always hated them….). The magazines of the day always touted wearing lingerie or something under your beefy man-ruling power suit to make yourself feel sexy, feminine, so on.  Other than I have always had a fetish for lingerie, this served me well.  I have uhm eclectic tastes in lingerie.  Fredericks of Hollywood is too trashy most of the time.  Victoria’s Secret too prudish and too—cottony—most of the time.  Although, I do own much more VS than I thought, now that I have finally pulled everything I did keep out and go through it to see what else I want and need, since I am finally with a guy who loves lingerie as much as I do and who after we get married won’t decide I shouldn’t be me anymore. (the last one did..at least w this one I am sure he’s not going to change or change me—there are benefits to dating your best friend of 9 years J ) The last time I had a really good time buying lingerie was when I was in NJ, before I met the ex husband.  Of course, once upon a time, I did have some things specially made for me, by a real seamstress and everything….those days are way long gone, but I remember them fondly—and use the knowledge I accrued then to make choices these days.  Anyway, as I wander the twisting corridors of my mind today (sorry sorry), what I am trying to get at is…I am finally back into the swing of things for me again.  I hadn’t realized how badly everything in June affected me. 

It started with a trip to Burlington coat factory, ostentatiously for the bf to find clothes for work.  Of course, the first thing I did was find a new purse.  Then I tried on shoes, and more shoes.  Look, I am 5’ 11” +, just shy of six feet, even on my slouchy days, of which there are many.  I married a man who is 5’ 8” (although he claims to be taller…nope, nope, nope) and lived w a man who is 5’ 7” (at least he’s honest about it).  Now I am w a guy who is 5’10” and he doesn’t mind me wearing heels and being taller at all…The first guy, when we were dating, loved the fact that I love high heels.  Look, not counting the love of my life after graduation (C, another 5’ 7” guy—and another Pisces—what is it w me and Pisces guys who are 5’ 7”?  Thank goodness that cycle has been broken!), I was the short girl in my social (outside of school) circle.  The guy I was with was 6’ 5” –for me to wear six inch stilettos was not a big deal.  I developed a taste for them.  I still like them.  When I started to date the ex-hub, most of my shoes were within the 3-4 inch high heel range.  He loved the high heels and short skirts then.  Until he started sleeping around.  Before we married?  After we married?  Either way.  Then he ‘subtly’ pushed  and bullied me into the good little housewife role…and he hated the high heels then.  I got married in my stocking feet…BAH!  Anyway….the next guy is a ‘structural integrationist’ and he claims his dislike of high heels is purely for the sake of the body’s alignment.  I will even give him that too…because he seems to go for taller women—taller, chubbier woman…and he kept the weight on me til I left him (how—I have no idea)—so …. and I am going only on having met the one before me and the one after….and the fact that as soon as I left his physical presence the baby weight I couldn’t drop fell off, even though I was eating twice as much as before.  If I can drop ten-fifteen pounds in a week….it wasn’t anything I was doing to keep it on—or to take it off…trust me….not with all the tricks of a former anorexic/bulimic up my sleeves….

I digress again, huh?  I am having one of those days.  See, this is what happens when I touch the computer and play w email all day instead of writing like I am supposed to…which I did for two days now because I finally dumped the mac and went straight pc—which required I dump at&t/yahoo and go to gmail….and gmail exclusively in order to run everything through outlook…and trust me—I love it—I am just having to tweak and play with everything to get it all working and up to speed.

Burlington Coat Factory.  I bought my purse that day.  I really needed one.  I didn’t cave to buy the shoes…although I should have.  Apparently, this is where the strippers go to shop around here.  This Burlington had more lingerie than I have ever seen a Burlington have.  The shoes here were in larger sizes with higher heels than I have ever seen at a Burlington—than I have seen outside a specialty shop….  The whole experience burned through me though.  Ever since R bought me the knee high boots when I got my last tattoo, I have wanted to have more high heels again…..finally, when we were out in search of other things, I asked him to stop once more at Burlington.  I bought a pair of gorgeous maroon snakeskin patterned stilettos – they have five inch heels…and I swear they were made for me.   I now have a nice supply of 4 to 4 ½ inch spikes in my collection.  And a pair of regular flat heeled boots, in black, since I don’t seem to have any black boots for every day wear….how that happened (other than the x somehow ruining my ‘biker’ boots when he borrowed them for his Halloween costume one year….he didn’t do it on purpose…I know…but I could never wear them again after he did…too painfully uncomfortable…) I simply have no clue.

Why am I saying this?  I get to feel like a girl again, instead of just a mom.  I have been ‘just a mom’ for too long.  The ex killed every bit of sexual anything in me—which anyone will tell you is hard to do—I have a reptilian aroma around me or something (this is something one of my ‘Not’ Teachers told me…I am one of those people who ooze…which is why I am a love me or hate me person, instead of the whole in between thing…so she said…although I don’t find that as true anymore….but maybe it’s more because I am above playing such childish games in the grand scheme these days…I am what you see…there is no artifice here…)

I get to feel like a strong healthy vital vibrant woman again.  Not just someone’s mom.  Not just someone who normally wears jeans and a tank top while she sits and works on her writing or art work or tidies the house or any of the other things I do…always in her bare feet…or in the winter, with socks on.  I get to feel like a real woman, with powerful dreams and plans and goals.  As if I can accomplish anything.  How you dress affects the way you perceive yourself, yes.  I didn’t get rid of all my business attire.  Although I am always going to be the ‘artist type’.  Now I can wear my wooden platform sandals and not feel bad…although I need my toes repainted before I do that….

We also bought lingerie while we were there at Burlington, because I love lingerie as much as he does, and my collection dropped to almost nil after the last ex killed my drive and desire –I mean, the man killed every little thought of sex that might cross my brain….he should work in a monastery or something, he is so good at driving every little bit of it out of the mind and body…I am honestly not trying to be mean here…he has a talent and that would be it…..gods love his soul, I tell you…

            My current bf loves lingerie…and he too has been denied this pleasure for too many years.  Not that he hasn’t tried.  Most of the lingerie he bought his last ex was put away, never worn, never seen again.  Or she might wear a thong (because he loves them—he always has—I’ve been here through, what, three, four of his women now—and at least he is consistent across the board with his likes and dislikes….) he bought for her once, and then it was gone, never to be seen again.  For years the man has gone on and on about wicked weasel ( http://wickedweasel.com/en-us  ) and how much he has wanted a woman who would wear them for him.  Please note:  these are not exactly for the faint of heart here.  They have bikinis—and they give ‘itty bitty’ a whole new name…although now that I have some in hand, not all of them are as scandalous as they would come across…they are really nice thongs…although, yes, they do have some very micro stuff….there is nudity on the site, although you have to look for it…it is not a front page nudity place…but it is very suggestive….

            Now, R and I have always had a very close and very open friendship.  Not to mention, I used to do my laundry at his house.  So, he knows what I wear, and frequently has picked on me about it over the years.  And has gotten more of the same back in return forem me as well… He knows my lingerie fetish…and has always encouraged it, even if he never got anything more than glimpses of it…my one thing is I dress for me, not anyone else.  I am likely to wear a ripped up pair of jeans over a long sleeved fishnet body suit and a t-shirt over it….just because I can….this is why he has never had any compunction telling me about the whole wicked weasel thing, or anything else he’s into. 

            I finally have fulfilled two wishes in one fell swoop—ever since he showed me the ww stuff years ago, I have wanted some.  It has been his fantasy…for years.  I am wondering why the bag of hammers (one of his ex’s) never got any—she I know with no doubt would have worn them.    I told you, I am drifty today.  Anyway.  I bought some.  I ordered several, because I am all about getting more bang for my buck where shipping costs are concerned.  WW isn’t cheap, but it’s not too expensive either, considering what I am willing to pay for nice lingerie.  I didn’t buy a bikini yet, although R and I have the agreement in place that I buy one, he’ll take me somewhere where it is appropriate to wear it—we’ve been planning a trip to Australia for awhile now anyway…among other places…

            I should mention…..  I am not always shy and retiring.  As long as there are no children, and we are in an appropriate place, then I am hard to contain.  I have an exhibitionist streak that does not quit…the ex hub used to love that, til it became unseemly for him to have a wife like that (maybe he was afraid he lose his boyfriends to me or something)…and, well, the son’s dad, there’s no helping him.  He’s just a plain old-fashioned wet blanket.  He means well though, in his own way.  My current bf likes that, the exhibitionist streak—he always has—not just in me.  I am just the first woman he’s dated that is quite as – expressive.  Ok, fine, I am the first woman he’s ever dated that is not completely sexually repressed either.  His words-not mine.  Although K does rank up there a bit…her other oddities made things…difficult….

            I bought some knickers…and ended up buying enough to get free stuff too because it’s their anniversary, I think, for their website, I don’t know.  I didn’t find out about the birthday/anniversary thing until after I placed my order and had to figure out what the two birthday gifts were about … for every $50 you spend (I do not know for how long-check the website for details) you get one item free, a totally random item, last year’s or last season’s model.  I got another pair of knickers…and a bikini bottom—and the bikini bottom is the perfect shade of oceanic blue….they’re mostly just thongs.  Really sexy thongs, very well-made thongs, but just thongs.  The micro ones are very cool, and nicely micro.  On the models, they all look very tiny—but if you look at the customer pictures, they are more realistic there…although still…these be thongs….for the most part.  Funny how something so small, literally, can make a man so very happy.  You would think the bf died and went to heaven here.  I am the first person he’s been with that wears thongs because I like them, not just to please him for a moment, or to let him know I am ‘interested’ in ‘something’ happening, and then I don’t wear them again til I am willing to have more of that ‘something’…. I like them – I wear them—every darn day usually—I have for years—because of the way I am built, even the stay put panties do not stay put—so no matter what I wear I might as well be wearing a thong—and no—buying larger sizes does not work….I’ve tried…trust me.  In the Navy, wearing a white uniform, where you can see every line and detail when wearing the pants, it became a priority to find something that covered and didn’t slip or move or twist.  I had help—I had half a squadron trying to help find something.  No avail there.  Although we all had a really good time trying some days…  I quit wearing the uniform pants and stuck w the skirt—a slip can hide a multitude of things.  Thank goodness. 

            While we are talking fetishes here, I ordered my Halloween costume.  Last year, I bought the red queen costume, and spent time trying to find a longer skirt to wear under it because the hem of the dress was a good three, four inches off the ground and I wanted it to at least touch the ground.   I don’t remember what happened last year, but I didn’t dress up.  E and N went trick or treating w the cousins, per usual.  I have no real desire to be the Red Queen this year.  My Alice fetish has only grown.  Do you know there are stores that sell nothing but Alice in Wonderland costumes, from infant to adult sizes?  With all sorts of accoutrements and embellishments?  Do not ask me what I was looking for when I found it…I honestly have no clue…but I found this website: buyaliceinwonderlandcostumes.com

They have everything, every character, darn near, from Alice and her adventures.  It’s really very cool.  So, I bought myself an Alice costume.  Talk about fulfilling a fetish request here.  lol  Ever since I bought my keychain months and months ago on etsy with Alice in a sort of anime style, I have had a thing for the ‘sexy Alice’ version….this is totally unrelated to the son’s dad suggesting ‘Lost Girls’ by Alan Moore --in his defense, he didn’t realize just how pornographic it was when he suggested it to me—not that that bothers me—he tries to find neutral things for us to talk about--sometimes he does deserve credit for trying, really-- until he started to look it up and found out—uhm—it’s a porn comic with political background…which is what Alan Moore --who wrote Watchmen-- set out to do when he created it…it’s not just the sex you are supposed to be aware of going on there…I haven’t gotten a copy of it yet…it may be Alice…but sex comics are not my thing…to be truthful, comics are not my thing…the Watchmen is the one and only exception…and only because of the extensive writing in between the comics bits….anyway…I told you…as focused as I think I am today, I am all over the place mentally….anyway—I did not order the Alice wig…and I don’t think I am dyeing my hair either…although I will probably straighten it – if the weather cooperates there…or not…because I have seen so many Alice flicks where she has brown hair …although I am a full range of blondes (on purpose…), so we’ll see on the hair.  But, I got the 4 inch high Mary Janes to go with the short skirted outfit.  I did not buy their tap pants or tanga pants to go under it…because $13 for a pair of frilly undies that I wasn’t sure I’d care for after wearing them w the costume…after buying six pairs of knickers from wicked weasel...it just didn’t seem reasonable somehow.  But, I bought the shoes, a black slip and the dress, which comes with white knee high socks….the slip is black to play off some of the black detailing on the dress and socks and to tie into the shoes, because if the dress were all white and blue, I would not in good conscious be able to wear black shoes with it…blue shoes, yes, but not black….I have a strange monochrome colour sense, really.  I can’t wait to see it.  It will be here tomorrow.

And speaking of things that will be here shortly, I ordered wrecking balm: http://wreckingbalm.com/  -- We’ve been discussing it for awhile.  I got one tattoo to cover up another tattoo—and I should have just gotten the original tattoo removed and been done with it.  I had a script “T” tattoo for the ex, gotten before I married him.  I had a big fat black moon put over it.  I have never really liked it – and now I have reached that place where I can do something about it.  I don’t do lasers.  Lasers require trusting another human—and I do not think so.  I worked too long in the medical industry—and I have too many relatives who still do—not a chance.  But this, I can sink my teeth into.  You can go to the website to hear all the details.  I am removing the big black sun—it’s a bit more complicated than that….but still—that whole thing is going…and maybe the green spiral on my wrist that didn’t turn out right.  That one goes and I may replace it with the Chinese symbol for Phoenix.  Although I am still holding over the bf’s head the fact that I will get his first name tattooed on me somewhere too.  I am not sure what floors him more—the fact that we both know this is a permanent relationship and I have no problem getting his name tattooed on me – or the fact that I have no inclination nor desire to look at him and say I did this for you—now you do it for me….I do not require that.  I would like to pop up and give him a reminder that in 3 weekends it will be time for him to get his tattoo in honor of his mother passing.  But that’s the only tattoo I actually expect him to get any time soon.

            I will let you know how the wrecking balm works.  I’ve had this particular tattoo nine years now?  R went w me to get this done…the tattoo it is covering up I had done when I was what, 17? 18?  I must have been 18…I have no clue….covering it up did what it was supposed to…only what I covered it up w made me think about a certain ‘Not’ Teacher…who was the reason I chose what I did…although I knew all along and said all along I would get rid of this tattoo at some point….

That alone sounds so bad.  A tattoo is forever.  Like a diamond, yes.  It may seem that I do not put a great deal of thought into my tattoos—I just hopped up one day and went out and got a blue ringed octopus tattooed on my thigh….high enough to be covered by all by the shortest of skirts….as if hiding any of my tattoos is a priority—at any other point other than my wedding….That’s not true.  There is a lot that goes on.  If I just jumped up and got every single tattoo that came into my mind…I would be covered from the nape of my neck to the tip of my toes….trust me….I have a pattern in my head where darn near everything is tattooed in a pattern that flows from top to bottom in a riotous scene of utmost beauty and connection.  But I won’t do that.  I don’t like coloured ink that much, my octo Queen here aside….it’s been a year and a half or more…the colour in my wolf’s eyes are only now starting to actually come out and be visible---and I know that isn’t done yet….I fear for my dragon on my shoulder…one day I will have to find someone very talented to recolor him—he’s done in two shades of red…and I will drive back to WV and to Bryn, who inked him in the first place, and let her do it….otherwise, my black inks will fade into blues and I will be happy…although I wonder at the scales on my little sparrow…how those will appear on down the line…not much different than my stone washed Om, I figure….

A lot of stuff goes into my tattoos.  Each tattoo has a special and very certain significance to me.  Every tattoo has a deep spiritual connection to me and for me.  Even my beloved’s middle name on my wrist….I am drifting again, so I will stop here.

Where did I start?  Yesterday.  Yesterday.  We can even go to Tuesday.

You will be happy to know that the bf did get the important stuff back from his ex.  Although she pitched a huge screaming fit, in a public place, because—he’s just not that in to her.  And as she continues to point out, she has absolutely no control over her temper—nor does she try apparently.  He is done playing her childish games and she can’t stand it.  Although he can now rest a little easier that he has his house key back and doesn’t have to wonder if she’s going to break into his house and steal anything else anymore.  Now, he just has to worry about me, but I’ve had a key to his house longer than she did, since I have had one, oh, since his divorce, pert near.  When the ex hub changed his locks for him… some days the funny things that creep up.

I’ve been cleaning.  You can tell.  I start on the physical plane and all the stuff comes out on the mental plane as well… I’ve been going through all sorts of stuff.  Tossing things out has been making me feel so much better about things.  For too long I have been hoarding things like my grandmother and her canned stuff in the basement.  Stuff we swear she canned when my dad was a kid, stuff I was afraid of when I was a little kid because I thought they were weird medical experiments—hey—I’d been in the biology lab many times—these canning jars looked like the stuff in the jars in the bio lab—I was a kid—sue me.  J  When she died, my dad offered people money to empty the jars, because the jars were antique and worth money – and no one would go near them…as far as I know, they could still be growing and reproducing in that basement…in the house no one has lived in since my dad and sister moved out after Grandma died….when my sister was in high school (I think) …in three years…she’ll be 30!  All this stuff I’ve been hanging on to…I still have stuff I can’t let go of…I have a basket full of boys clothes that I know my future sons are going to wear…N wore them some in MD, but not since…and now they are too small….and some of the stuff was bought big for him so he never wore it at all….that stuff I cannot throw out….especially not knowing I have boys coming one of these days.  It’s like the diapers…can’t throw them out…the baby clothes....can’t throw them out…won’t…we are going to need them…one of these days…it is easier to let go of the other non-essential stuff now though—that is the important part.  When I cannot think, hey, we will need these for babies on down the line, or the kids on down the line—if there is no reason to keep it…it is gone these days…

One thing I have been happy about the past couple weeks….the four of us go out, R, E, N and me…and even when N is at his orneriest…. it is still really good to be out all together.  Now that R and I have talked, since T won’t really help us with the whole ‘boundary’ issue thing…mostly because I don’t think he has them til he thinks I’ve crossed some line w him…but then again…those lines blur and slide and slip around so much that even if he says this here is the line not to cross, that only counts for that moment…the next time he’ll be hollering at me for not crossing the line…so there is no winning there…so R and I made our own lines, blurry as they are when it comes to N because I know I over-protect and over-compensate w N…because he is my kid and no one else should have to take care of him but me…that’s not why I am dating R—he is not the other baby sitter—he is the father figure….E caught on to that as soon as he switched from Uncle to uhm…not Uncle….E will not call him Dad until we get married—she keeps saying this—over and over and over—even though she slips up, a lot…especially when he is not around….T really hurt her and made her gun-shy—R is the only man she trusts—and it is not because he is the only man I trust either….R has been steadfast and solid in her life since before she was bourn…I can say without his influence I would never have been put on bed-rest w her when I was pregnant….he has always been there.  These past few weekends, going out to eat, that click has happened.  Where we have gone from Mom and the kids out with the boyfriend to **CLICK** -- the whole family out enjoying a meal together, one whole integrated unit, period….it’s that sensation, that orientation, that mystical indefinable whatever it is that I always wanted to have there w T when we were together—even before N was bourn—but it never happened—it’s that milder ~click~ that has always been there between just R and me, and by extension an uncle-y sort of ~click~ when it was E and R and me….but this time…it is the real deal…and it is meant to be…

Here I do digress…it’s a wonder sometimes, to look at the things that R and I have been through, separately and together, to get us to the point where we could come together as a couple.  We both seem to have needed to be in those lousy relationships where there was no communication, where we were taken for granted, where we were so miserable, in order to see how very lucky we are now that we have each other. 

How pitiful is it for a grown man to call me and ask if it is ok for him to call on his way home from work and talk about his day?  He has not been allowed to talk about his day at work for years, not the slightest detail—because his ex could care less—she told him so point blank.  More than once.  So, he was not allowed to talk about his day, or anything that interested him that didn’t interest her.   And they don’t have many common interests, something he frequently complained about.  She still fails to understand why that may not be healthy for a relationship…where only one party gets to talk about their day and their stuff…where the other party is made to feel inconsequential and worthless, how was it put?  Beneath the other party’s notice or tolerance….

The fact I listen to his day—and I actually ask questions and get involved and don’t just glaze completely over and tune him out…I could do this for the rest of our lives and nothing more and he’d be the happiest man alive—because he has been denied these little pieces of himself for so very long.  The fact that, as he says (and as I have said about him for me) that I am just about everything he could have ever asked for or dreamed of all in one….it’s just a bonus….

He asks me questions like that all along…are you ok if I do this?  And I honestly look at him as if he’s nuts…and say, what could be wrong with this…only to hear someone else didn’t care about it so it wasn’t allowed to happen.  The man wasn’t even allowed to eat at his favorite restaurant because she didn’t like to go there…and it’s a place for couples, not a place you run in and grab something for lunch and run out…..things like this baffle me.

I can see now and then saying, look, I had a rough day, I don’t really want to hear about yours….but that whole—I don’t really care.  I don’t want to hear about it.  Just don’t do it any more?  I don’t get that.  I don’t get dating someone and telling them if it doesn’t have anything to do with me or isn’t something I am interested in, don’t bother talking about it because I don’t care and I won’t listen….it’s insane.

I don’t care how bad a place is, unless I can really give solid reasons why this place sucks (like the last sushi place we went to—food was great…service impeccable…music was horrendous…we agreed we would not return there until they got better music J ) – like bugs everywhere, or horrible horrible food every time we go…I would still go once in awhile because he likes it—and I’d find something to eat while I was there… I would do it because I care about him and his feelings (and trust me—I’ve done it for others—I’ve done it for friends, much less boyfriends and husbands) –and I know this isn’t the only time we’re going out, so one dinner in a place I don’t prefer or like in the grand scheme of things will not kill me.  I don’t get people – even though I have dated and married enough of them—who won’t let other people be themselves, who think the other party has to change everything in order to be ‘good enough’ to date/marry them.  If you start to date a person and that person is one way—why do you bother dating him if you don’t really like the way he is?  If you don’t like that he plays puppet games with chopsticks…walk away…don’t crush his spirit to fit into whatever form you think he ought to be in…that’s not him…and making the other party unhappy with themselves will only tear the relationship apart on down the line…..trust me—I watch it every single day w my work…I have seen in it my own life…not to mention my friends and family as well…

Ahhh….I have fallen too far off the fruit wagon today …let this piece stand as my morning—and afternoon—pages for today…my rant…my exposition….my reveling in being me.

And above all else, thank you for listening…even if you didn’t make it all the way through my ramblings.  I do this for me, some days.  Just to get stuff out.

I am hoping that everything that went on in June is now…settling…and I can get back to steady writing and drawing and painting again….I am looking forward to that more than I can say….

Peace…

Please Excuse This Debris

I have to post this separately, in its own post, or else it may be overlooked by the intended party....for everyone else, please forgive the interruption.

A quick note per R’s request here, although he has nothing to do with what is being said: C, if you are reading this blog, make sure you go to my main writing blog; there’s a lot more stuff there for you, and some very specifically written for and to you, if you really have nothing better to do with your time other than tormenting yourself and giving yourself something to fume over, over things that have absolutely nothing to do with you.  You can try to make this someone else’s fault all you want.  Except that from day one, for five years, there have been communication problems on your part, because he has complained about that for five years.  Consistently for five years.  From the very first night.  I was there.  I heard it all.  Not to mention the part where he says the relationship was only decent, decent, maybe, the first six to eighteen months.  After that, you did nothing at all to do anything to encourage the relationship farther.  It’s been dragging out that long.  Although I myself understand staying in a relationship because you think you have to, being miserable for more than three years and there are no kids involved is moronic.  Consider yourself lucky that he felt so bad for you, that he felt he could help you.  You can blame me all you want—but he was looking at rings well before I moved back.  If you hadn’t shown your true colors during your whole house buying situation, he might have bought one, despite his severe misgivings about doing it.  He had dropped that plan long before I ever thought of moving back.  So, go ahead.  Blame me all you want.  But it isn’t me who did this.  It was never me that had anything to do with it.  It was always you.  It was always always you. 

And a personal aside here—if you cannot clearly communicate where the boundaries are, like, this is finished and over, and stand by them, the other party is going to move on, without taking you into consideration.  Since you have shown the proclivity towards nonverbal assumption rather than any rational sort of communication, and you have admitted how you have left other boyfriends without really letting them know verbally, just letting them figure it out for themselves, it is very easy to see why they don’t think they’re cheating on you, but you do.  Because they think it’s all over and you don’t.  I feel bad for you.  I always have.  One of these days, I truly honestly hope you can find the help you need to break out of your cycle and be the person you think you are, or the one you want to be, or whatever makes you feel whatever you need to feel.  I watch people struggle with this issue every single day.  Some of them get that help they need and move on to much better lives.  Some of them don’t.  I feel for you.  I pray for you.  I wish you only the best.

Wishing Wishing Wishing

Hey--Jamie's wishcrafted question today is awesome...and one I have actually been pondering for weeks myself...'t is the time of year when homeschoolers especially have to turn and say...what are we accomplishing this year...and I don't do it just for E--I do it for myself as well...

What do you wish to learn?

I love this question.

My first answer is a resounding: I want to learn how to do the Turkish cast on!  I have a pattern for a doll I want to knit and it requires the Turkish cast on.  I have written out directions, but need to find a video of it...which I am planning to do later today anyway...so that one is taken care of for the time being...

Other than that, I have a base curriculum synopsis.

I am always looking to deepen my knowledge and connection spiritually.

I am always looking to learn more about autism, autism spectrum, and all the things that are really wrong w kids diagnosed w autism that doctors don't care to take the time to investigate and make the proper diagnosis.  The same here w ADHD.

I am always studying child and human development, education and ways to educate.  I still stand by the fact that one of these days I will be attending a Waldorf Teacher's certification program...just as I stand as firmly saying I will probably never 'use' it for anything other than my own personal stuff (like my being a certified Yoga instructor, and kids Yoga instructor, and a massage therapist and a UFT practitioner and a whole string of other things....)

I am planning to learn more about knitting and crocheting.

I am planning to learn more about biodynamic farming, organic farming, farming on a small area, farming on a large scale, putting food by, canning, preserving, drying, the whole nine.

My schedule also includes learning more about the craft of writing, which is an ever-evolving process, but these days there is the inclusion of the other end of writing...the editing, the marketing, the finding an agent (I already have a manager...bf has been lined up for that job for years now), the getting my name out there and getting my work out there and not just playing around, but seriously pursuing publication in all forums....this is my actual goal for this educational year....

I am planning to learn more about drawing, sketching, scribbling, doodling, painting, water painting, painting w acrylics....I am not so sure about oil paints yet...mostly because of the children 'helping'...but still...there are also pastels with which to play and a number of other mediums...

I plan to learn to use a blowtorch and whatever else is necessary in my pursuit of learning metal working.

As well as learning more about clay, sculpting, throwing, baking, painting, you name it there.

I continue to pursue the construction of spirit dolls.

And on and on and on and on and on....

Do you know what my wish really is?

I wish to never stop learning, period.  

Every book I read--I learn something.

Every person I speak with or speak about--I learn something.

Every prayer I make, every candle I light, every smile I smile--I learn something.

Every place I go, I learn something.

I never ever want to lose my beginner's mind.

I always want to be able to be open to learning more, every day of my life.

Dreaming Big? Wishing Big? More Than That Too...

There are so many things going through my brain...I know I am probably over the edge into Wednesday, so I am curious as to what Jamie will have for us for Wishcasting Wednesday, of which this is not a part, since I wrote this this weekend.

Is it mean to point out how very close the bf and I are in to moving in together?  It is on the table, has been for a couple weeks.  We've lived together before and did fairly well as only room-mates...ahh...the things we have planned...it's pretty amazing for and to both of us at the moment...I look forward to spending the rest of my life with this man.  After this weekend, after the past few days, there are no more doubts.  Not on either side.  

Opening The Door To That Bigger House

I am tired of not dreaming big enough.  I didn’t realize I was dreaming small.  All I know now is I want I must dream BIGGER.  And that begins right now right this minute. 

What I really want is a big kitchen.  With a double sided sink, a garbage disposal, a sprayer.  Big double sinks, not small ones.  Something I can set the pans in to soak and the pans fit.  Lots of countertop space.  Lots of cabinet space.  A hanging rack for pots and pans.   Room for a butcher block.  Room for a big kitchen table.

A breakfast nook would be good, just somewhere for the family to meet and to be together.  A dining room would be nice, but is not necessary.  So long as there is space for the family dining table, I am good.   If we have room for a hutch or china cabinet or two, that would make it even better.

I want an actual separate laundry room.  It can be in the basement or whatever, but I don’t want to have to look at my washer and dryer or have them be part of my kitchen experience ever again.

I want to have a working fireplace. 

I want a big bathroom, for the master bath.  A huge claw foot tub.  Something I can lie all the way down in and stretch out.  Something where the ceiling is taller than I am, so I can stretch and turn while I am under the spray.  I want there to be enough room in the shower for at least six or eight people.  Not that I ever want to have that many people in the shower with me; I merely want the space so I can dance or stretch or do yoga under the shower’s spray.  Or anything else that comes to mind.

It would be nice to have at least two bathrooms, what with all the kids running around. 

I want tall ceilings.  I want plenty of headspace.  Vaulted ceilings more like the living room in the house in FS.  I want tons of windows in every room.  I want lots of natural light.

I want at least four bedrooms.  I want a full basement.  I want more than enough room for an office.  I want space for the exercise equipment.  I want space for my art studio.  I want plenty of storage space for all the yarn and fabric and other supplies I tend to collect.

I want big closets all over the house for everyone.  I want everyone to have plenty of space to grow and evolve and be themselves.

I want a big family room.  I want a decent living room.  I want lots of space for books and movies and anything else we need to have lots of room in the house. 

I want an actual garage, a two car garage at that.  I want a patio in the back, all wooden and with a screen overhead, with plenty of room for a table and chairs.  I want a covered, maybe even screened in, front porch too.  It would be awesome if we could have a sun room somewhere too.

I want a big fenced in yard for the dogs and the kids.  If we could have a swing set or fort or something for the kids built in the back, which would be incredible.  I want the yard landscaped and wonderful.

I do not care for carpeting.  I want hardwood floors In every room except the kitchen and bathrooms.  There I would prefer tile or slate of something stone-like.