So, one year nears its end; another struggles to be born. Birth is never an easy process, not for anyone involved….funny thing to ponder at the moment, huh?
I’ve been thinking for days and days and longer about what the coming new year means to me…looking back on the past year and seeing how very far I have come…thinking about things I should have done sooner, things I should have avoided all together, things I should have been more demanding about, things I should have let go of differently….it is not a time of regret, but a time of absolute empowerment.
Things have done nothing but improve all this past year…and there is no reason why they are not going to continue to improve every single day of this coming year as well….
I look at my R, a man everyone in my world ‘knew’ I would one day end up w—everyone except me…I knew we’d always be friends, figured much later in life something would develop, after our other lives had fallen away, after our partners had died or moved on…never did I think this would or could happen right now. It has been a huge shift for me. Some days I listen to him and I marvel…it’s not such a big shift for him…he knew the potential was there all along…I was only willing to take what I could get and I never expected anything more than that…so long as he was my friend, what else was there to ask for? And here we are…I look back at my marriage especially and I marvel at how very naïve and accepting I was then—how truly meaningless so many things I thought I held dear were when exposed to real love—no—to Real Love. I thought the ex was the end all be all—talk about having a man on a pedestal…there are few things I would not have done for him…there are few things he asked of me that I did not do…in fact, there is nothing I didn’t do that he asked of me………I compare that relationship—fifteen or so years of my life—to what I have now—to a man I have known for nice, going on ten years now…a man who has been my friend and my defender and my companion since we met, when we were both married to other people…we have been friends; we have been students together; we became therapists and healers together (UFT and otherwise…); we have grown together for so long….now, add in the romantic and the sexual element—and what has always been said about us together proves absolutely true—and holds strong….
Do you know, when you are in a relationship, how you can look around and think, yeah, this is going to cause issues on down the line, or yeah this is a deal breaker one of these days….I hadn’t realized how much of my life when I was married revolved around planning for a future that I knew the man would not be a part of…but I never allowed myself to think of that aspect…I always knew one day I’d get sick of his antics and his lies (one day, I am going to ask someone if he and MJ are still sleeping together though—I always thought they were, from the moment I met J…if J were a girl, they’d have dated openly, I swear…) and I would leave—or more likely, all his sins would catch up to him and he’d die…that one, I am sure, is still on its way to him anyway…it has nothing to do w me…just his own karma and his own past sins coming to get him….
I have moments like that w R, where I think, yes, one of these days I am so going to regret agreeing to this, one of these days I am going to be more than upset that I allowed this to continue, I am going to hate myself for not saying something different about this….there is a difference between the ex—any ex—and R. In previous relationships, it was always, when this is over, this will be an issue…w R—there is none of that. W R, I always end up thinking, the only way this will be a deal breaker, the only way this relationship will end, is if I allow it. There honestly is nothing he and I cannot work through together, so long as we sit down and talk to one another.
This man goes through things w me that I know he has no grasp as to how to fathom them. I spent too much time before he left for his ski trip upset over the fact that I should be six months pregnant, or there abouts, right now…am I mourning the child I lost in July of this year, or the child I lost in Feb ’94? Or both? I have no idea. All I know is R did the best he could to understand why I was upset and to take care of me until 1 I could explain what I was upset about and 2 until I could deal with the rest of the world again in a less tearful manner….
He does not give up on me…not ever…not even when he has not a clue what is going on w me…I always tell him…I always have…there is no way I cannot tell him…
I am blessed. I am beyond blessed. I am truly grateful for that blessing as well.
My goal for this relationship in the coming year is only to continue to allow him to break through more and more of my boundaries, to let him in deeper…to take him into those places where I have never allowed anyone else to go ever before…because no one else has ever been worthy …no one else has ever been trustable…no one else has ever been good enough…
So not where I meant to go when I sat down to start writing this. I meant to start out by saying I am not about to waste my time with resolutions. I want to set goals for myself. Things w R are a goal…and one he is aware of, even if I have never said it to him in as outright a manner as I am stating it here.
Another goal is to be …. Less conservative when I write here…the one really good thing about being in such a good, happy and clear space—not just R, but w work, and children, and everything in between—my world is GOOD…before we moved, I had collected all these books on writers and writing and all sorts of things involved with that…one of the things I am still in the process of colliding and aligning is my writing goals for this coming year…so bear with me…one thing I have been told by …some sources…. Is that no one wants to read every single little detail of everything…but, on the other hand, I have had a great deal more feedback personally from real people that has …encouraged me to keep revealing myself and to keep being honest….so…I am going to trust my instincts…and trust the people who reach out to me…rather than ‘experts’ and books on how to do this and that and the other….I am going to be more…raw…less concerned with filtering things…although please do keep in mind…my family reads this blog…so if you think I am going to get X rated or something…nope…I will hint and hedge and cough and toe the edges of some things…I am certain –look, I am w a man who can literally breathe on my neck and give me an orgasm, because he is such an incredible energy worker his breath is … more than adequate – so I know I will hedge around things….an empathic energy worker…life really is good….but if you are looking for graphic depictions and descriptions—well…email me and we’ll talk…
All I am trying to say is over the past few months, I have worked hard to protect some people from their own stupidity, even while trying to point things out to them, as I know they are determined readers of this blog simply to torment themselves…and because of the fact that certain people read this blog, I have backed off and allowed filters to refine things I would have preferred not to refine for public consumption.
Now, I haven’t drawn for quite awhile. I am disappointed in myself there. Yes, there have been so many things going on….but…I am still an artist…I still have all my gels and media and mediums…although at the moment I am unsure of where my practice canvases are…even though I am looking forward to finding them again…
My goal for this year is to re-immerse myself in my art, in whatever way appeals to me at any given time.
I have the urge to make faces….which means dolls are coming. I owe E some key dolls…My journey dolls proved VERY useful personally during this move, in ways I still find unexpected. I am glad they came along with me.
I am in a space where I can make soap again…and my candle making paraphernalia lies in its boxes, awaiting my touch…and my daughter’s expressive hand as well.
I need a different place to work into my knitting goals…I have them, yes…somewhere—those I wrote down…I think I have some posted on this blog somewhere as well….
Where E and her schooling is concerned, I am falling back into a more Waldorf motif for the year—while still allowing R to continue w a more focused, not really Montessori or Mason or anything else I can come up w at the moment, agenda. He has his own way of getting his points across to her—I am going to allow him more space there.
I do have to start keeping much more thorough records though…which I have told her would need to be done since we crossed state lines…that’s my stuff to handle though…
I want to start eating better, healthier…and I want to cook more…I want to have more meals as a family…and as nice as it is to eat out, I would prefer to spend more time at one house or the other, sitting down, as a family to eat.
I do have to say…I am going to try my best NOT to buy—yarn, fabric, BOOKS! For the coming year. Luckily, I know my dad will send me books (thank you thank you thank you) –although I will do my best to READ the books I now have in my collections…this extends to knitting books, crafting books, whatever—although I do reserve the right to buy books for other people – I have 2 or 3 on the waiting list to buy for R…and I will always buy the kids books. Although I will not be buying coloring books—I threw away nearly 2-33 gal garbage bags full of coloring and activity books—not the educational ones with worksheets or anything…just the let’s grab some for the trip to keep you occupied type….two bags nearly full…more than 1-1/2, but not quite 2 entirely full….sheesh!! That cleared off more than a whole shelf on the one bookcase! No one has missed them either. When I told E what I was doing, she was fine, so long as I wasn’t throwing any of her reading books out…great kid that. I am going to have to make sure we have lots of drawing paper for both kids (we do) and I am planning to encourage them to draw on their own more—to use their minds and their imaginations…
Do you know, I can probably have chickens in my new house? Well, not inside my new house—I don’t like chickens…enough to keep them for eggs, but not enough to live with them….I probably won’t have chickens—although I won’t rule it out either…
Anyway—back to the goals here…
I am going to expand my business. All sides of it. I don’t know in what way. I don’t know in what direction. I don’t even know for sure which aspect of my business I am planning to expand. I just know I am going to do it. I know I will be focusing on my art and my writing that much more…but not to the detriment of making sure the bills are paid…I have some kernels of ideas gestating at the moment…fruition will come when the time is right…that’s enough for me right now.
All I know for sure is it is about time my manager (R, my manager, my business partner, and the love of my life) to start earning his 10 to 15% (depending on which aspect of my career I am working on when…) …one of these days, I will be the one to point out, he’s been earning a heck of a lot more than just 10 or 15% all this time…and that’s not including the fringe benefits either….
I do plan to get back into participating with various online groups again. Like gaia…creative every day…wishcasting Wednesday…full moon dream boards…I am not sure about some of my other groups…but we’ll see…
I do know I am going to be changing things up with my various writing (wordpress) blogs—I hate having all these blogs all over the place—even though each blog is for a different purpose and yada yada…I sort of want to centralize everything….there are some other changes coming…I am not sure what they all are yet…just that they are coming….
My other goal is to get out of the house and out into Nature more….and to improve my bowling game as well! I have to go have the guy watch me bowl in order to get my ball drilled…that will be the week after next, more than likely, since R is so busy …
I have already said my one goal is to take the WIP “Caitlain” and edit and rewrite her in order to get a prelim published via createspace before the Nano deadline of July something 2010….that means I will have to sit and write and write…because I know, even though I have the story and the outline in hand, this is not a 50000 word story…if it is only double that, I would be surprised. I have promised R that I will have this done—and once I promise him—and once he promised to kick my butt constantly until I DO it…it is a done deal there.
Last year, R and I took both kids to Pagan Picnic in Tower Grove Park…I saw some people…others I did not see…no one did I really miss or care to see, except one certain Pagan children’s author and illustrator…but while we walked around, R informed me, all sure of himself, that in 2010 (at the time he said next year) I would have my own booth at pagan picnic…whether I am giving readings…selling art…selling hand-made, hand-knitted, whatevers….I think I am liking this idea…a meet and greet of the pagan kind…even though PP is not always my ideal audience…it is a good way to get out there at least…I forget the name of the 2nd pagan happening (where I first met that writer/illustrator) that happens after Pagan Picnic, but it is more calm and more female oriented and I have a greater appreciation for it…I have to get more involved in local things and find these things out again…
I have other things that are still taking shape in my brain….but this at least gets the more major things out and into the air.
This is just a good start for me…and now as the new year begins to dawn, peeking over the edge of the mountains of the past year…I bid you good-night—and hope to see you soon….
