The kids and I were walking from our house back to R’s house the other evening. It was cold, and getting colder. The wind was whipping and smacking things around, trying to remove hats and scarves, jackets and gloves. Prying into the areas where wool leaves flesh just an inestimable amount. The smallest bit of space is more than enough for the wind to work its magic fingers into, freezing flesh and bone alike. It was snowing. Not a blizzard, but a steady stream of snow. Enough to cloud the vision a few feet out, but not enough to obscure anything much at all.
My son walks, curled under my arm, holding my hand over his mouth to protect his lips, even though I slather his poor little chapped lips w chap stick before I let him leave the house. His other arm curls around my leg and holds on to my thigh. This is not the most comfortable nor easiest way to walk, especially not over icy spots or uneven sidewalks or anything else. But, N loves it. And I always know where he is, even if I half drag him along sometimes. He pulls his hat down, sometimes over his eyes. His heavy winter coat is a bit big on him and when we zip it all the way up, it zips up to his nose. So he will sink his lower face inside his jacket, pull his hat down over his eyes, or there abouts, and then have me clutch his face, his cheek, in my hand. His head rests on my hip, through my heavy winter jacket, which he sometimes tries to move out of the way since he actually wants to feel my hip.
My daughter is all about either trailing behind in a sulk for one reason or another, or blazing the trail ahead, being the traffic monitor and ensuring that her brother and I stay clear of getting hit by cars. Although pedestrians seem ok to her, when we do pass one.
We were out walking in this weather the other evening. The light was whispering slowly away as the earth turned its face away from the sun for another day…and I looked around, picking my head up from staring at the sidewalk to make sure N didn’t trip or fall, and I had to pause for a moment, even though I had to keep walking too, lest E get too far ahead.
When I was younger, this was my favorite time to be out in the woods, walking. I am not afraid to wander for hours, in the elements. The snow falling, glazing over everything. Wind whistling merrily along. Icy chills everywhere. This is my time of year. The odd hollow of the silence, even with cars smoking along the road behind us. In the forest, that silence is more than golden. It’s enchanted. This beauty is why I am a winter person, why I prefer the cold over the warm seasons. I can’t do much now, because I won’t endanger my children. But, when I am alone, I know how to dress. I know how to move. I long for that time again, to become one with the elements, to regain that title of Ice Queen yet again…
It was so beautiful then. I love that type of weather. Made me realize that, yes, I can go along w R on his skiing trips. There is plenty for me to do then. Other than ski.
And he and I are both more than happy to plan to buy a condo out there, be it CO or elsewhere, so that we can go anytime we want to go. That whole, it’s just a matter of time, thing isn’t as far away as many would assume either. Thankfully.
My son curled up on my lap while I was watching some television show the other night. I was very intent on watching the show…but my son was far more intent upon making me play w him. So, as I tried to watch whatever it was on the tv, I would also tickle and poke and tease the boy. It only took me about ten minutes to realize here was this little man in my arms, giggling madly the entire time, having the time of his life. This is a moment he will recall years from now, curling up on Mama’s lap, laughing and playing and having Mama’s full attention. A moment that I won’t be able to share with him, because I wasn’t in the moment with him; I was focused on some dumb tv show. So, I didn’t turn off the tv; I simply turned my focus. And for the next 15-20 minutes, focused on the giggling little snot monster in my arms, teasing and playing with him, until he was begging me to stop tickling him, until he just lay there, smiling and happy, content and relaxed. I got hugs and kisses, and my head patted, which annoys and amuses me to no end. Then, he ran off to do something else.
At least I can honestly say, I was there. I was involved. You really did have my entire focus right then. You were the center of my world right then. I loved you with my whole being then, just as I love you with my whole being now.
If nothing else, that makes me feel good.
R isn’t here. But both kids are. Which means, all three of us got to sleep in the waterbed without R here.
Ever since N entered our world, there has been competition between the siblings. E used to get FURIOUS, even as a 2yo, when N slept in the middle of us. She used to get FURIOUS when I turned my back on her in the middle of the night to take care of N. (Attachment parenting, people…seriously) She has lessened the furious side, but the jealous side has never stopped. She is mad enough I sleep w R and she can’t sleep w us, but N can crawl into bed w us in the wee ungodly hours if he so chooses. I am still having issues explaining that N is different and why he is different. I know this little heathen is…different…and I know he falls into the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum…BUT he is NOT autistic…he is way way too involved with things…now, try to have that on your head, and explain to an 8 yo who has always been uber jealous of her brother, even before he was born….no matter how I put it, it doesn’t work. And saying he’s “special” is ludicrous—thank you Barney and Sesame Street and every other kids show we have ever watched that teaches each and every kid and person is “special” in his or her own way and now allows no other definition of “special” to enter into the picture.
Enough of that. All three of us, sleeping together. I have to be in the middle. And it’s not just the three humans either. At least one dog stays in the bed w us all night (Ken), while the other one who can get in the bed comes and goes periodically (Princess) –and Shadow plants himself on the floor as close to one side of the bed or the other and doesn’t move unless some other dog really tramples him…\
E starts out curled up next to me, touching me, but ends up nearly wedged into the crease between bed frame and mattress, pillow on the floor, doll on the floor, blanket on the floor, kid nearly on the floor. She sleeps in her own bed this way too. It’s not just her brother and me there.
N will edge himself sideways, legs thrown over me, arms wrapped around me, trying to get me to scratch his arm or his leg til he falls asleep, which I haven’t been able to do for weeks because moving has ruined and ultra sensitized my hands, and broken every nail I have to the quick, more than once. My nails break due to stress, very easily, so until we are fully moved in, or at least moved in enough to where I feel comfortable and calm in our own home, my nails will break, period.
Last night, I was laying there between both kids (again, attachment parenting, m kay—look it up), each kid wedged up against me, after some settling where E had to move and adjust enough so that N couldn’t touch her at all—because 1 she doesn’t want him touching her and 2 he will kick her til he thinks she’s not touching me…and they went to sleep that way…it was so sweet. Add in the dog, Kendall, who was somewhere between E and me, our legs, using E’s body as a pillow, because N will kick her in the head until she gets off me too, but he allows her to lay all over his sister all they want…as long as the dog is on Sister’s side of the bed, I have gotten him to let go of his need to make the dog stay off the bed thing.
Those are my moments from these past few days. Today, it is too cold to walk to our house. T is coming for N about 3 or so. R will be home late tonight. E wants to play pool…and then rummikub…and whatever else she can con me into…since I won’t play the wii or anything else at the moment….if I don’t play, she doesn’t play…them’s the rules.
I do have a lot of other work to do. But, one thing at a time. My little pool shark has been back up to ask about playing pool again…guess that means it’s time to go…more to come…ciao…