The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goals--Not Resolutions

So, one year nears its end; another struggles to be born. Birth is never an easy process, not for anyone involved….funny thing to ponder at the moment, huh?

I’ve been thinking for days and days and longer about what the coming new year means to me…looking back on the past year and seeing how very far I have come…thinking about things I should have done sooner, things I should have avoided all together, things I should have been more demanding about, things I should have let go of differently….it is not a time of regret, but a time of absolute empowerment.

Things have done nothing but improve all this past year…and there is no reason why they are not going to continue to improve every single day of this coming year as well….

I look at my R, a man everyone in my world ‘knew’ I would one day end up w—everyone except me…I knew we’d always be friends, figured much later in life something would develop, after our other lives had fallen away, after our partners had died or moved on…never did I think this would or could happen right now. It has been a huge shift for me. Some days I listen to him and I marvel…it’s not such a big shift for him…he knew the potential was there all along…I was only willing to take what I could get and I never expected anything more than that…so long as he was my friend, what else was there to ask for? And here we are…I look back at my marriage especially and I marvel at how very naïve and accepting I was then—how truly meaningless so many things I thought I held dear were when exposed to real love—no—to Real Love. I thought the ex was the end all be all—talk about having a man on a pedestal…there are few things I would not have done for him…there are few things he asked of me that I did not do…in fact, there is nothing I didn’t do that he asked of me………I compare that relationship—fifteen or so years of my life—to what I have now—to a man I have known for nice, going on ten years now…a man who has been my friend and my defender and my companion since we met, when we were both married to other people…we have been friends; we have been students together; we became therapists and healers together (UFT and otherwise…); we have grown together for so long….now, add in the romantic and the sexual element—and what has always been said about us together proves absolutely true—and holds strong….

Do you know, when you are in a relationship, how you can look around and think, yeah, this is going to cause issues on down the line, or yeah this is a deal breaker one of these days….I hadn’t realized how much of my life when I was married revolved around planning for a future that I knew the man would not be a part of…but I never allowed myself to think of that aspect…I always knew one day I’d get sick of his antics and his lies (one day, I am going to ask someone if he and MJ are still sleeping together though—I always thought they were, from the moment I met J…if J were a girl, they’d have dated openly, I swear…) and I would leave—or more likely, all his sins would catch up to him and he’d die…that one, I am sure, is still on its way to him anyway…it has nothing to do w me…just his own karma and his own past sins coming to get him….
I have moments like that w R, where I think, yes, one of these days I am so going to regret agreeing to this, one of these days I am going to be more than upset that I allowed this to continue, I am going to hate myself for not saying something different about this….there is a difference between the ex—any ex—and R. In previous relationships, it was always, when this is over, this will be an issue…w R—there is none of that. W R, I always end up thinking, the only way this will be a deal breaker, the only way this relationship will end, is if I allow it. There honestly is nothing he and I cannot work through together, so long as we sit down and talk to one another.

This man goes through things w me that I know he has no grasp as to how to fathom them. I spent too much time before he left for his ski trip upset over the fact that I should be six months pregnant, or there abouts, right now…am I mourning the child I lost in July of this year, or the child I lost in Feb ’94? Or both? I have no idea. All I know is R did the best he could to understand why I was upset and to take care of me until 1 I could explain what I was upset about and 2 until I could deal with the rest of the world again in a less tearful manner….
He does not give up on me…not ever…not even when he has not a clue what is going on w me…I always tell him…I always have…there is no way I cannot tell him…
I am blessed. I am beyond blessed. I am truly grateful for that blessing as well.

My goal for this relationship in the coming year is only to continue to allow him to break through more and more of my boundaries, to let him in deeper…to take him into those places where I have never allowed anyone else to go ever before…because no one else has ever been worthy …no one else has ever been trustable…no one else has ever been good enough…

So not where I meant to go when I sat down to start writing this. I meant to start out by saying I am not about to waste my time with resolutions. I want to set goals for myself. Things w R are a goal…and one he is aware of, even if I have never said it to him in as outright a manner as I am stating it here.

Another goal is to be …. Less conservative when I write here…the one really good thing about being in such a good, happy and clear space—not just R, but w work, and children, and everything in between—my world is GOOD…before we moved, I had collected all these books on writers and writing and all sorts of things involved with that…one of the things I am still in the process of colliding and aligning is my writing goals for this coming year…so bear with me…one thing I have been told by …some sources…. Is that no one wants to read every single little detail of everything…but, on the other hand, I have had a great deal more feedback personally from real people that has …encouraged me to keep revealing myself and to keep being honest….so…I am going to trust my instincts…and trust the people who reach out to me…rather than ‘experts’ and books on how to do this and that and the other….I am going to be more…raw…less concerned with filtering things…although please do keep in mind…my family reads this blog…so if you think I am going to get X rated or something…nope…I will hint and hedge and cough and toe the edges of some things…I am certain –look, I am w a man who can literally breathe on my neck and give me an orgasm, because he is such an incredible energy worker his breath is … more than adequate – so I know I will hedge around things….an empathic energy worker…life really is good….but if you are looking for graphic depictions and descriptions—well…email me and we’ll talk…
All I am trying to say is over the past few months, I have worked hard to protect some people from their own stupidity, even while trying to point things out to them, as I know they are determined readers of this blog simply to torment themselves…and because of the fact that certain people read this blog, I have backed off and allowed filters to refine things I would have preferred not to refine for public consumption.

Now, I haven’t drawn for quite awhile. I am disappointed in myself there. Yes, there have been so many things going on….but…I am still an artist…I still have all my gels and media and mediums…although at the moment I am unsure of where my practice canvases are…even though I am looking forward to finding them again…
My goal for this year is to re-immerse myself in my art, in whatever way appeals to me at any given time.
I have the urge to make faces….which means dolls are coming. I owe E some key dolls…My journey dolls proved VERY useful personally during this move, in ways I still find unexpected. I am glad they came along with me.
I am in a space where I can make soap again…and my candle making paraphernalia lies in its boxes, awaiting my touch…and my daughter’s expressive hand as well.
I need a different place to work into my knitting goals…I have them, yes…somewhere—those I wrote down…I think I have some posted on this blog somewhere as well….

Where E and her schooling is concerned, I am falling back into a more Waldorf motif for the year—while still allowing R to continue w a more focused, not really Montessori or Mason or anything else I can come up w at the moment, agenda. He has his own way of getting his points across to her—I am going to allow him more space there.
I do have to start keeping much more thorough records though…which I have told her would need to be done since we crossed state lines…that’s my stuff to handle though…

I want to start eating better, healthier…and I want to cook more…I want to have more meals as a family…and as nice as it is to eat out, I would prefer to spend more time at one house or the other, sitting down, as a family to eat.

I do have to say…I am going to try my best NOT to buy—yarn, fabric, BOOKS! For the coming year. Luckily, I know my dad will send me books (thank you thank you thank you) –although I will do my best to READ the books I now have in my collections…this extends to knitting books, crafting books, whatever—although I do reserve the right to buy books for other people – I have 2 or 3 on the waiting list to buy for R…and I will always buy the kids books. Although I will not be buying coloring books—I threw away nearly 2-33 gal garbage bags full of coloring and activity books—not the educational ones with worksheets or anything…just the let’s grab some for the trip to keep you occupied type….two bags nearly full…more than 1-1/2, but not quite 2 entirely full….sheesh!! That cleared off more than a whole shelf on the one bookcase! No one has missed them either. When I told E what I was doing, she was fine, so long as I wasn’t throwing any of her reading books out…great kid that. I am going to have to make sure we have lots of drawing paper for both kids (we do) and I am planning to encourage them to draw on their own more—to use their minds and their imaginations…

Do you know, I can probably have chickens in my new house? Well, not inside my new house—I don’t like chickens…enough to keep them for eggs, but not enough to live with them….I probably won’t have chickens—although I won’t rule it out either…

Anyway—back to the goals here…

I am going to expand my business. All sides of it. I don’t know in what way. I don’t know in what direction. I don’t even know for sure which aspect of my business I am planning to expand. I just know I am going to do it. I know I will be focusing on my art and my writing that much more…but not to the detriment of making sure the bills are paid…I have some kernels of ideas gestating at the moment…fruition will come when the time is right…that’s enough for me right now.
All I know for sure is it is about time my manager (R, my manager, my business partner, and the love of my life) to start earning his 10 to 15% (depending on which aspect of my career I am working on when…) …one of these days, I will be the one to point out, he’s been earning a heck of a lot more than just 10 or 15% all this time…and that’s not including the fringe benefits either….

I do plan to get back into participating with various online groups again. Like gaia…creative every day…wishcasting Wednesday…full moon dream boards…I am not sure about some of my other groups…but we’ll see…
I do know I am going to be changing things up with my various writing (wordpress) blogs—I hate having all these blogs all over the place—even though each blog is for a different purpose and yada yada…I sort of want to centralize everything….there are some other changes coming…I am not sure what they all are yet…just that they are coming….

My other goal is to get out of the house and out into Nature more….and to improve my bowling game as well! I have to go have the guy watch me bowl in order to get my ball drilled…that will be the week after next, more than likely, since R is so busy …

I have already said my one goal is to take the WIP “Caitlain” and edit and rewrite her in order to get a prelim published via createspace before the Nano deadline of July something 2010….that means I will have to sit and write and write…because I know, even though I have the story and the outline in hand, this is not a 50000 word story…if it is only double that, I would be surprised. I have promised R that I will have this done—and once I promise him—and once he promised to kick my butt constantly until I DO it…it is a done deal there.

Last year, R and I took both kids to Pagan Picnic in Tower Grove Park…I saw some people…others I did not see…no one did I really miss or care to see, except one certain Pagan children’s author and illustrator…but while we walked around, R informed me, all sure of himself, that in 2010 (at the time he said next year) I would have my own booth at pagan picnic…whether I am giving readings…selling art…selling hand-made, hand-knitted, whatevers….I think I am liking this idea…a meet and greet of the pagan kind…even though PP is not always my ideal audience…it is a good way to get out there at least…I forget the name of the 2nd pagan happening (where I first met that writer/illustrator) that happens after Pagan Picnic, but it is more calm and more female oriented and I have a greater appreciation for it…I have to get more involved in local things and find these things out again…

I have other things that are still taking shape in my brain….but this at least gets the more major things out and into the air.
This is just a good start for me…and now as the new year begins to dawn, peeking over the edge of the mountains of the past year…I bid you good-night—and hope to see you soon….

Odds and Ends Rambling Update

All this time, I have been looking for my Denise interchangeable needles—somehow they got packed up along with some Christmas stuff—and it is not stuff we used last year—so it looks as if when we got back from Servia and I was re-packing and unpacking and re-distributing things, I packed a great many things, including my Denise needles, into a bag that got stuffed into a box that was labeled Christmas stuff…I found them two days ago. I darn near sat down and cried. My Easter egg dyed tags were in that bag as well. I really cannot tell you why I am so overjoyed at finding my Denise needles—my knitpicks interchangeables make me very happy—and I know where they are—at least the ones not currently in use somewhere.

Well, I’ve been a busy little girl these past few days. I get into these moods of lethargy and whatnot at night…especially w R gone. I’ve been at my house during the days, until the darkness starts to fall. Mostly the current schedule is due to dog sitting…the other night, I walked home near 7—I had had a late start that day, so the dogs had had plenty of time outside and I was willing to push their normal routine due to that—walking in the dark, with a light snow drifting, melted snow forming puddles over the roads and sidewalks…and me thinking how very different this is compared to me, in boots and a mini skirt and a jacket, tromping around through Lynn, MA and beyond as a teen-ager at all hours of the morning, with a knife in my pocket some well-meaning friend had given me. A knife I never used, much less ever needed to use. But it made everyone feel better for me. This time, I carry a flashlight, more for the light than the whomp in the head factor. I am still unafraid as I traverse the night, but I am not that person from all those years ago.
There is also a very different air to the world when you walk, especially at night. I am night-blind and I tend to rely on other senses when I walk at night. On-coming lights tend to blind me—ask me why I don’t like to drive at night, m’kay…so I leave many things to my other senses. I have a head cold—I usually get one at the beginning of the colder weather and I keep it until allergies hit—scents w me are hit and miss…I have allergies or a cold…it’s an all year thing…I know that different houses have different smells…I’ve been in enough empty houses in the past 3 years to know…and every time I move out of a place I always say the same thing—they will never get the smell of me out of this place—I am a heavy incense user…it’s a daily habit…I do it at Rich’s too…but until last night it never really dawned on me that houses could emit strong odors from the outside—other than the normal range—people w lots of pets (we all know where the cat lady in every neighborhood lives, right?) –but in the middle of winter? When all the windows are closed? I walked past a house last night where the SMELL of the place actually made me pause and look around…I would have sworn that some creature from some dark lagoon were snarfling along behind me—there was an increase in warm humidity in the air—not a bad deal when the temp is near 28 F. Can’t wait to see what happens come warmer weather…

The small people returned today, like royalty from a trip collecting taxes they came. Lol So we had our own little present opening party. T would have been very upset. N had thrown a fit over the holidays because no one got him his blue camera—he’s been asking for it since before his birthday—he just knew he was going to get it. Well, he did—but from me. He opened the package and let loose with joyful hoots and hollers. I took it, opened it, put batteries in it, handed it back to him—and he set it aside. He hasn’t touched it since! Ditto w his crabby patty making factory (play dough hamburger making factory play set) –again with the loud whooping—and then it got set aside—that box was never opened—only the wrapping paper removed. So—what did the boy appreciate the most? His soft soft fleece blankets—his favorite being the little throw that is technically ‘ours’ and not just ‘his’ with snowmen and penguins and whatnot on it…and his bakugan minis—which he opened and closed and re-opened and then used to decorate the Christmas tree.
I bet my mom is loving this. She still complains and gripes about my very first Christmas—how she took such care picking out the presents for me—and all I wanted was the boxes and the wrapping paper. Lol
My darling daughter loves her new sneakers—which she completely blitzed on the fact I made her try them on back in early November—she saw me put them back on the shelf—she didn’t see me swoop them back into the cart. Silly girl. She is also more than a little happy with her BFC Inc doll, Kaitlin. Yes, this is the doll she herself picked out in the store the other day when she and I had the rental van and were moving from the old house to the new house. It really is an American Girl styled knock-off—but BFC stands for best friends club. And Kaitlin is the artist, the designer. Which is perfect for E, who is also our little artist and want to be designer and …so many other things…
But—sneakers! Come on! I bought her the princess clock she has coveted for years! She was thrilled and happy—and then…she couldn’t stop talking about her shoes! Lol -- the things that these kids find amazing and amusing….

My kitchen is adequately together—I don’t know where r put the screws to secure the table top to the center stand…so the center stand is in the middle of the floor—so I will quit walking into the ceiling fan pulls! R had to hike the lamp on the other side of the room up to over six feet off the ground because we were both running into it (he’s 5’10” – I am 5’11” + --when I am doing Yoga regularly I am 6 feet tall…otherwise I am just under 6 feet….)—so as soon as he’d moved that hanging lamp out of our way—I started walking into the fan pulls on the opposite side of the room….I may have to look up a business R told me about the other day…I am willing to pay someone to go to ikea and bring me back what I want….I would be SO MUCH happier!! We’ll see. I am not buying any furniture until he gets back anyway. He has a busy week coming up, so I probably won’t be able to get anywhere until the weekend—which gives me more time to clean up around the edges….

I might have to buy E another dresser! She has asked for another one…but I keep pointing out she hasn’t used the shelf in her closet yet…I gave her a little step-ladder to reach it…we’ll see how she does once she puts all her new clothes away this week-end…
N’s room is as done as it is going to be until we buy his new bunk bed…we aren’t putting his bed together because we’d just have to take it apart … and it isn’t as if he sleeps in his own bed anyway…not in a new environment…he was only just starting to sleep in his room before the break in at the old house…his room, not his bed…but I think if he has more input into his room, he’ll be happier to get involved with his own stuff…and will be more content to at least go to sleep in his own room, even if he doesn’t last the entire night there.
N sleeping here w us at R’s house, when R is here, did remind me that R is in for a rather different experience when we have kids together. I know he’s been there through both of my kids, but it didn’t dawn on him exactly how involved with my children I am. We work with attachment parenting…we always have. That’s one big reason why N is 6 and I am not overly worried about him sleeping w me, or his sister, or w R and me….he’ll get there to sleeping on his own. Not to mention, I have a very –not American attitude when it comes to making everyone sleep alone in their own room at night in the dark….this is my ‘Heaven and Earth’ moment—don’t mind me. R is really going to be taxed in the beginning w attachment parenting and a newborn—as if a newborn isn’t going to be enough for the poor guy…I am actually looking forward to seeing how long he’s off-balance about this…but we’ll get to that later….

I did get most of everything accomplished before the kids arrived today. Today I didn’t get much at all down, except organize the hall closet…and put the shelves on the bookcases and wipe them all down…hey—there were presents to open and pictures to take…
E is really happy I gave in to her request to make her her own gallon of tea. We drink sweet tea here—I’m Southern—sweet tea is de rigueur—however, I can’t do really sweet tea…and as I get older, the sweeter the tea, the less likely I am to drink it…the last time we went to Bandanas (where E can have her precious wonderful boiled peanuts….) E asked if I would make her her own really sweet tea at home…at Bandanas I have had to adopt R’s methodology w the tea—half sweet and half unsweetened…which is more like what I make at home…so when E came back from visiting her brother and cousins, she found a gallon of sweet sweet tea awaiting her…you would think she’d gone to heaven there. Not only does she have her own sweet sweet tea, she can reach her wonderful lovely ‘big girl’ crystal glasses (we go to thrift stores—I let her pick out the odd breakfast goblet, the odd wine glass, whatever fancy glass captures her…fancy….this time I put all her fancy glasses in a cabinet where she could reach them—the kid is tickled pink…
Both kids are so pleased with this turn of events…no one noticed I took all the covered cups and put them away…all the sippy cups (I pulled all the valves out of those things when I bought them…we’ve been keeping them around to keep spills to a minimum…but not any longer…now no drinks in the living room is about to be the established rule—once we get that kitchen table set up ….)

There are plenty of little bits here and there I need to work on putting away—especially in my bedroom. N’s room may be the catch-all for pillows and blankets (just maintaining the pillow pit for a bit there…), but my room is the catch-all for darn near everything else. I finally moved all the components for my desktop computer downstairs today—I didn’t even look at it—just took it down and decided to wait for R to come set things up…the lap top I am planning to buy can wait til he gets back as well…the price hasn’t shifted in either direction since I started looking at it…depending on where I look…so no big deal there either…

Tomorrow I think I am going to start unpacking and organizing my books…I have a full wall of bookcases…except for two stands that are for the family’s board games at the one end…and even they can be replaced (with one bookcase and a bit of room to spare) if need be…and I am fairly sure we will be needing more bookcases…before we moved I was saying we needed at least three new bookcases…I always look forward to full access of my library—I’ve missed that.

I also made sure I set up a definite craft area. E has her sewing machine…I have mine…and my serger…and a table w chairs upon which to set the machines…ok…so the sewing machines are situated by the yarn stash –which is HUGE—not as bad as I had imagined…even as I pull yarn out of the most inconceivable of places while unpacking at times…I found my stash of sports weight pink and orange yarn that my dad had snatched up on clearance for me that I have always planned to knit up into this brightly colored throw…it was being used as packing material in a box that I had packed last year….I hadn’t realized I’d used it as packing material—I actually bursting out laughing when I saw what it was and what it was protecting (I can’t remember now—but when I saw it, it was hysterical—it was nothing I would have ever thought I’d have used yarn to pack in with—outside of an actual we are moving right now move!) … E has her new BFC Inc doll and I am really hoping I can convince her to start sewing for the doll w her machine this year…I may already have patterns for 18 inch doll clothes…other than the knitting patterns…Kaitlin is a very stylish hippy type…I like her already. Ok, so it was her moccasin boots that won me over, much less her knitted hat….and these are just the things she came w….but at least E and I have our little space.

I have given up the thought of only one tv in the house…why? So I can bloody well watch something I want to watch once in awhile without being completely harassed every single moment…I will have to find a tv and dvd player for the basement…
I have the wrong chair upstairs…I have my old knitting chair…which used to be in someone’s office a long long time ago, before it was gifted to us and I claimed it as my own…I love that ugly thing…it wasn’t always ugly…but it’s a pale off-white color—and w my dirt magnets…I mean…lovely children…well…scotch-guarding only does so much…I want my glider rocker upstairs…of course, until the tree is taken down, it really doesn’t matter what I have upstairs….
I have also determined I want my living room open…and coffee-table-free. I have more than one reason for this….one is I like the open space…even though I need a rug to throw over the carpet…trust me on this one…I also want to make sure NOTHING is brought into the living room by the small wonderful creatures who are my children…if nothing comes into the living room, nothing spills…if there is a coffee table in the living room…the temptation will be far too great…I cannot allow that….so I shall simply eliminate the temptation all together…no coffee table…R still has my old one anyway—we will only need that one when we move in together…works for me…

E is actually anxious to sleep in her own house now. Before the holidays, she had said the house didn’t fee like ‘home sweet home’. I asked how things felt today when she came back—and she said they felt really good. Much more like home now. We aren’t even going to think about it til after R gets home. He’ll be home late Sunday. And I am not staying anywhere he isn’t for awhile, simply because I’ve missed him…so here we are and here we stay…it’s funny. She wants to sleep in her own bed in her new house—and for this I can not blame her—but she also wants to be here when R comes home—because she’s missed him too…can’t do both though…

My dog is a corruptive influence on Princess now. Mwahaha. R is kinda stupefied. Princess is not the sort of dog who…plays w other dogs…at least not ones she lives w…he keeps going on about the last dog who lived here…and how that dog and Princess would acknowledge one another’s presence and nothing else.
Ken and Princess—PLAY. It started out with games of chase….and that was too funny…because Princess played w Kendall the way R plays w Princess…Princess would bounce at Ken and stand her ground, while Ken would run all over the yard. Princess would only give enough chase to keep Ken running. Then…it graduated to…actually wrestling and puppy play…both dogs came in from the back yard the other day with dripping wet necks…I thought maybe it was snow or rain…until I looked and only the necks were wet…so I watched next time they went outside…they were playing….chasing and teasing and wrestling and having such a good time….and they do it all the time now…R’s house, my house, in the houses, in the yards…they like each other—they really really like each other….they sleep –touching—on the couch together—which is made even better when they sleep touching on the couch together—with ME! They will lay, back to back, on the floor, on the bed, with me in between them (every freakin’ morning—a head on each shoulder)—Princess doesn’t even flinch or groan when Ken flops her big ole fluffy butt right on top of Princess anymore (this really used to irk the non-personal-space-comprehending princess—now she seems to enjoy it….)
I love R’s reaction to the whole thing though—he was astounded and bemused…I actually had to prove it to him by showing him the girls in action playing before he would really truly believe it…the look on his face the first time he watched them play was just priceless…

Ahhh…there are so many things yet to discuss and ponder and wonder about…I refuse to make “resolutions”—I am open to creating GOALS….and this is a full moon…and most of my art supplies are still sitting in boxes—not exactly packed, but not exactly accessible either…so I am going to do what I do…and make pictures w words…and see what comes of things that way….

I’ll get back to you on that….

May the beauty of the Blue Moon shine upon you.
Happy New Year….

Monday, December 28, 2009

New Cooking Experiment Prepared For Trial

Funny. I didn’t think it would be so difficult to sleep without R beside me. I really have become addicted to him beside me all night. Plus, with him, I am never cold. Between the two of us, asleep at night, we shall never be cold…

Anyway…we (the dogs and I) woke up today with snow on the ground. About an inch and a half of snow. With more snow floating steadily down as I watched. I woke up too early this morning, so I got to see quite a bit of snow fall. I actually worried about going to my house to start working; the snow was coming down so thickly. I wanted to make sure the dogs ate breakfast and Shadow got enough time outside before I left.

I worked for about four hours at home, before starting to worry about the snow still falling. I needed to make a run to the grocery store—which is right up the road. Now, I should not be allowed to walk to a store, carrying big solid bag, even with the thought of ‘I only need a couple small things, plus a gallon of milk’…especially when I need things like…onions and potatoes…much less feeling decent about being sans company and just walking around to look at things….I had filled the bag before I finished … but I do feel good about things.

The weather had settled down some, with closer to two, two and a half inches on the ground. My original plan had been to run to the store and then go home, to R’s. But with the weather lightening up, no more snow, even though the wind was picking up and it was definitely not warmer, I decided to grab the girls (Kendall and princess) and run back to my house. Ken did really well in her holiday present—a new harness. I think when I walk the two girls together, though, I will leave Ken off the harness, so that Princess doesn’t get choked as much. Ken needs that drag there.

Well, when I took the girls out, Shadow was visibly upset about being left behind, which just breaks my heart, the big ole bear dog. So, I told him when we got back I’d take him (a whole OTHER story—Shadow is not a dog—his a MULE! And I mean that in a derogatory manner to boot!). The girls and I went to my house, grabbed the roast and a few other things that I didn’t take w me earlier, as I didn’t want to carry them through the store w me.

We can talk about shadow’s walk some other time.

So, let me tell you about my experiment.
Before the holidays, R and I hadn’t decided what we were having for Christmas dinner, so I bought a ham and a lamb roast. We had ham on Christmas (you have to love a man who cooks, really—not to say I did nothing at all—but he was in charge of the ham…)
Now, before we moved, there was an accident at the old house and the crock pot was broken. It has since been replaced—and has been at R’s waiting for us to figure out what we want to do w it ever since. Actually, we need to go to a butcher and get a really good (beef) roast…but we’ll get there….now is just not the right time.

Here I am. With a brand new crock pot. And a roast. I bought potatoes and onions. We have garlic and carrots on hand.

My experiment stems from the fact that I am basically dry roasting the entire thing. Usually, I make a stew of things. I love stewed veg. This time, I have chosen another route. As I haven’t made lamb in years (as in, well before I was ever married), I am not sure of how….decent this cut of meat is. We’ll see. However, in order to ensure we are not eating fat dripping over fat, I layered the bottom of the pot with onions. That way the onions soak up the fat. And I tossed in some fresh garlic as well. Then I added some potatoes. Plopped the lamb roast right in the middle of it. Added baby carrots and more potatoes. Put in roughly a ½ cup of water. Drizzled the top with olive oil. Added some spices and seasonings…although since this is R’s kitchen, even though I have added a few things to his repertoire, I kept everything minimal—which is also a part of my experiment.
And despite R’s teasing me about it, the cinnamon and nutmeg still went in…the Chinese five spice mix is at my house…so I used what we have on hand here.
Right now, the pot is in the refrigerator. I will be setting it on low heat tomorrow morning before I go to work at my house…earlier this evening I had worked on a plan of action for tomorrow. We’ll see how everything goes.

I like this crock pot. It has a rubber seal around the top of the lid. It comes with a rubber gasket thingy that you wrap around the handles in order to ensure the lid remains on while you travel with the pot itself once the meal is done. I am hoping for a steamed infusion for the herbs and spices…we’ll see. I look forward to seeing how well this roast turns out.

And that is my experiment.

Now, I think I am going to see if I can get some sleep tonight. I’ve run out of CSI reruns to ponder—as soon as this episode of SVU is done, I’m off.


Saturday, December 26, 2009

Day After Christmas Update, Right!

Is it not about time for an update here?
So many things have happened the past few weeks.
Where to start? Where to start?

First, I am going to complain, because, well, I can....
I got my hair cut. I am happy with the woman who cut it this time. BUT...the guy who cut it the time before? Not so happy....
Let's back up. I get my hair cut/trimmed roughly every 3-4 months. Not this time, not the last time, but the time before that--the woman who cut my hair was AWESOME...she totally got my curly hair and what I was attempting to accomplish w a layered cut.
I went back to the same place...she wasn't there...and we had a time schedule to keep. I was thinking--it's just's just a bare minimum trim...there's no way to screw that up, right?
Wrong. The dude apparently whacked the snot out of my under layers...leaving me with a long overcoat and a long undercoat--and a butchered middle. Which explains why after he cut it I could never really get it to do what I wanted it to do--most unlike the chick that had cut it before him....
So, I go in to get it trimmed and see about re-organizing my layers and the wonderful woman who cut it this time--told me what had happened and we made a plan of action to fix things. No. She is not at the same place as the other two, mostly because I won't be going back there again (duh).
Basically, I am trapped in layer hell...waiting for my layers to grow out. In the mean time, we managed to salvage some length, but mostly we made do with what we have until the middle layers grow out and are, well, usable again.
I kinda feel like...well, someone I shall not name, a dead rocker from the 80s....think, big hair metal type dude and that'll suffice.
Since it is the middle layers we wait upon now, and since the lady trimmed and layered what she could of the top and removed all the mess at the bottom, I get to do what I did as a teen-ager again--I get my Pebbles 'do back.
I wasn’t going for the Pebbles 'do, just the layers....but, in order to save my sanity, the Pebbles is back....for those who remember me from high school--same thing--minus the big lace bow....this time, it's just a little octopus hair clip.
At least it’s a fun ‘do and the hair feels healthy again. It is simply too weird, knowing that technically all of my hair is the same length. I find myself flummoxed every time I wash my hair, and every night when I put it up before bed…it’s just…odd…even for me…

Second, the house, right?
You want to hear about it? Don’t you?
I want to talk about it, so it seems fair.

We made it in. Of course, we moved on the first really frigid and rainy day of the week (was it really just last Saturday?) Seems Mother Nature waited until She knew we were moving the last of everything and then decided, let’s make it frigid, and damp. We didn’t actually get rained on. Plus, as weird as it seems, it was a good thing that it was so cold—we didn’t have to deal with mud. We did not get a vehicle stuck in the mud. We did not track mud all over the place.
We did, however, end up making two trips, rather than the hoped for single trip…but the only things we took apart were the beds…and nothing else…and we filled the truck up twice and everything went where it was supposed to, mostly.

I am most grateful to the ex and his sister’s family. R and I had the kids Friday night and we dropped them off on Saturday morning. Then we went to eat…before picking up the uhaul…and making two runs.

E and I had made a multitude of runs the week prior. We had rented a cargo van from enterprise…alas, enterprise was out of cargo vans as FedEx had them all…so we got a dodge grand caravan sxt thing. Both kids thought this thing was most awesome. Two back doors that open via remote. Folding captains seats for all in the back. More than enough buttons to keep E occupied for hours while I loaded and unloaded said van. You will NOT believe how much STUFF this thing can hold. I was totally impressed.
No. I do not want to own one. If R had called me ‘soccer mom’ one more time, I might have really hurt him. It’s nice to borrow one, but I would not want to drive one every day. It’s too big. It has too many buttons. It has too many accessories that I deeply despise (I care not for being tracked 24/7—although we had the GPS w us all week—and that little thing is a god send for someone as easily lost and confused while driving as I am)
Yes. I drove. Not only during the day, but also after dark. It got dark about 4-430p –and I refuse to drive during the 5p rush hour traffic (or the 8a rush hour for that matter). We averaged two runs per day, starting at roughly 10-11a for the first and the second was usually 6-7p. Although there were days when we accomplished three runs. We got some shopping done in between runs as well.

We did not stop to organize or to sort or to put away. We moved from one house to the other, boxing and loading and then unloading….I had much packing left to do at the old house as we were loading the van…right up until Friday when we had to take the van back –Friday is when I finished packing everything for the final big truck move.

So, R and I did not really have all that much to do, once we got to the old house—other than figure out the best way to get everything left into the truck in the most optimum manner possible.

I am still really ticky about the fact that R thought I would give out on him at any point—I have never done that before, not to my knowledge, and I hate to think I am being confused w anyone from his past…which tends to be an issue w the ex’s in my past—they got me confused w someone else… At worst, I can be accused of staying out of the way while someone is trying to decide the best way to do things…this time, it was never an issue…it never came up.

R did get a new dryer…my old one, since the new house has both washer and dryer…and my old washer, well, there’s a trick to making it work…so I left it behind…the dryer is in terrific shape, and R’s dryer has sucked at least for the past nine years…so I got him a ‘new’ one…and it matches his washer too, believe it or not…both are the same make and model and series…I did good there…I kept threatening to get him a new dryer! This time I came through…

Unless we install a plug especially for it, I am not using my lovely happy electric stove at the new house…and I am not a big fan of cooking w gas either…so my own stove sits in R’s basement…the fridge, for which we had bigger plans, would not fit into his basement…so we have to store it out in the shed for the time being…until we rethink that plan or we buy a rental house that needs a fridge in it.

Believe it or not, after last weekend, the kids and I didn’t really do all that much work/unpacking at the new house.

E’s room is probably in the best shape it will ever be. That girl went to work and really busted her hieney to get her room in order, to find all her clothes and unpack them, to set things up the way she wants them and the way she likes them. She does have a dresser this time—she also has shelves in her closet (removable ones this time)…and she has a huge closet too. She’s been terrific this entire time.

N has his little dressers that go with his bed, which may actually need to be replaced here soon, because both kids want new beds. That’s the main reason I haven’t asked R to put N’s bed together yet. N wants a bunk bed set in his room. E wants a loft bed. R left for his ski trip today, so no furniture shopping as yet for us. Although I have too many ideas here anyway—and waiting to see how things coalesce is a good thing w us. We’ll have to see what happens w N and his room after we get the other bed in and together.

Now, we know we are going to be putting N’s twin sized water bed up in the basement, as in setting it up, once we get his bunk bed in…the cool thing about the water bed is that the kids love to play hide and seek under it and everything—it’s better than a tent…plus, E wants to have sleep-overs and all sorts of things, and what better place to have a sleep-over than the entire basement, where nothing they do will really bother me and there’s not much they can hurt or disturb there…

It’s one of the ideas I have been testing…an extra bed downstairs, not just for the kids to play on, but a place for someone to spend the night. I have also considered setting up the other full sized bed down there as well…but that won’t be until after I get a new mattress set for my bed…both my bed frames are supposed to be full to queen. R swears my current bed frame –which came from my dad—is full to king…I keep pointing out that R and I sleep together in the middle of the bed…so size there doesn’t matter…and he then points out it does matter when that third squirrel slips into bed with us every morning about 3 or 4 when he stays over…

There is nothing more heinous than my having to sleep between two empaths. And as R also points out, there is not a lot of love lost between these two when N is asleep. Even in his sleep, N will push, poke, prod, nudge and kick anyone who touches me, be it R, or E, or the dog, any dog. It doesn’t matter. I belong to N and that’s that. Always so much fun w those two.

N has issues at school. He is a big BIG boundary pusher. Well, R establishes his boundaries and he doesn’t budge. It is really interesting—pitiful at times---but interesting—to watch what N will come up with every week to try to get a rise out of R and to see how long it lasts.
One week, it was calling R a name. R called N on it every single time—until N began to do it just to get a reaction from R. Then R began to ignore him. N had to come up with something else.
Then it was physically getting in between R and me whenever we were close to one another—which is most times w us. We are quite touchy feely.
Lately, it’s sad to say, it has degenerated into N coming up and whomping R – or poking him- or whatever N thinks he can get away w…just to see R’s reaction.

Man oh man, I do not envy this child’s teachers, not one bit. The things they have to put up w in order to get through to the little punk…I can so sympathize. I have an in with the little creep…I’m his mother, so I have more leeway with things than they do…and I am not above bargaining w trips to McDonald’s or ice cream or m & m’s or whatever it takes some days…I love my boy. He really is a brilliant little mind…but that orneriness? Oh, do I so know where it comes from…it’s terrific…part of my mother’s curse did come true…woe unto me…but I wouldn’t have it any other way… I love the little creep… things are just never boring w that boy around.


I had NO idea how much holiday stuff we bought this year…or how much we already had…E had totally forgotten the 3 ft white tree from last year (which I think is still here at R’s—we gave him our fiber optics lit tree since he didn’t have a tree…not that he ever got around to putting up his decorations this year—which is all my fault—he was too busy helping me and getting the house ready for me…I freely admit it!)
So, we have a MOST bedazzling tree, full of birds (you have no idea how many) and butterflies and snowmen and all sorts of unique and interesting things. This year is the first year I got to put on some of the decorations my dad gave me eons ago---it was so stunning a thing to do…I had no idea it would be so emotional.

The kids got to decorate the little 1 ft trees. Each child has their own tree, because normally each child has a tree in their room. This year, both the little trees are in the living room, since no one’s room was really ready for a tree when we were putting things up –there is a tree on each side of the tv right now…they decorated the trees together…it was so cute. Especially after N got tired of E ‘re-arranging’ his stuff, so he just sat back and told her where to put things on his tree…ahhh…co-operation!

Basically, until we dropped the kids off last Saturday before we did the ‘big move’, about all I got done was the very basic of basic stuff at the house—mostly that means we got the tv and the dvd player hooked up and working—and then I fought the fish filter—which the duck weed was having a field day clogging and jamming…a problem I think we have vanquished, mostly because the filter has eaten the remainder of the plants that the fish and snails have not yet eaten…

Today, I finished the main pantry. I finished most of the kitchen. Laundry is done…and in need of folding. R has already picked on me for having the bed at the new house in the same state as the bed at the old house—covered w laundry in need of folding…at least right now I can honestly say most of the laundry sits there waiting for me to find a place to put it away after I fold it.

The kids’ bathroom is done…my bathroom, for the most part, was already done…

The mattress is officially on my bed, even if the bed is not made…I haven’t unpacked my sheets yet—the kids’ sheets are a lot easier to find—since we have more twin-sized sheets than full sized ones…

The hall closet is set up and the coats are put away. My grandmother’s outfits are all hung up in the other hall closet. We have a coat closet behind the front door. Which is cool. And then we have a coat closet at the end of the hall between my room and E’s room. E’s bride’s maid dress is in that closet, and Gg’s outfits that are now mine (and are now looking really warm and comfy too, buddy—and amazingly enough, I am betting that my 5ft 4in Granny’s pants are going to be plenty long enough on my 5ft 11in frame! Something that stuns me to no end, when finding things that are plenty long enough is hard enough as it is…)

I re-organized the clutter in N’s room, set all the pieces of his bed against the one wall.

All bedrooms now have their own lights—although N is stuck w the light from his old room—which is in need of the twisty thing to turn the light on and off—he has a habit of trying to turn the light on, backwards, and when the light doesn’t come on because he is turning the thing in the wrong direction, he untwists the thing til the switch comes off—so…we have to get that fixed for him…but E has a new floor lamp in her room—as do I.

I am pretty happy w my own bedroom. I am by no means done with things, but I am having a pretty good time. Apparently, all my stones and crystals needed time to heal and reset…because now I can have them out and use them again.

There is a new energy with which I am handling a great many things this round. I feel very good about things.

I had assumed I would put up either set of my rose sheer curtains in my bedroom. Alas, no. I put up the chocolate and crème curtains, chocolate sheers on the outsides and the crème ones in the middle. The walls here are currently blue, but I still want a red hue when I get around to painting. Which may not be in this house.

The altar in my bedroom…it’s very different from 1 what I normally do and 2 what I would expect to do…but it feels good and it feels right….

There are many more plants in my bedroom this round, which I always love and adore. Once it gets warmer, I am going to buy more draping plants (philodendrons and pothos), as well as more bamboo, for the house, not just my bedroom. My baby (I forget her ‘official’ name, but she’s a rosy colored philodendron of some sort) made it through the move without an issue and is now in my bedroom. She is very happy—that’s all that really matters to me. I lost one philo when the kids broke in to the other house. The remains of that one I stuck in water to root out—she’s not doing all that well. I am unsure if she will make it, but I am hopeful.

I have a window in my bathroom—and I quickly removed the flowery curtains in there. You have to think about this. The wall paper—which is going to take some real effort to remove, unlike the kids’ bathroom wallpaper, which came right off for the most part—is 70s pink, yellow and white daisies, m’kay. Now, throw in country styled flowered curtains in various shades of pink and red—and even my deranged sense of color is offended. Of course, I put up white curtains w blue trim along the edges, but hey, it’s mostly white and they do work. And if I have my way, that bathroom will end up more blue than pink anyway! I haven’t been curtain shopping yet—and then again, once we are settled, I may just make my own…but still. I love the window in my bathroom. There is a windowsill where I can stick plants—so I did. I have a window full of bamboo. It’s awesome.

The kitchen has a little window w a sill as well…and my abused and angry peace plants are in absolute heaven there…and next year, I foresee a planter of aloe up there as well.

My drapery plants (the remaining pothos and philos) are on the shelf above the sliding glass back door, part of the household/kitchen altar there. They are very happy there. Very happy.

My poor abused snake plants, however, all got jammed together in one pot during the move. Now, I found out that hibernating millipedes? Centipedes? were what was killing my snakes—they were eating the roots apparently. So before we left the Western Woods house, I dumped out all five or six planters. Got rid of the dying and dead plants. Removed all the old soil from everyone. Chucked all the living and as healthy as we could get plants into the same planter (which is not a bad thing for snakes)—and then used the only clean dirt I had on-hand. The dirt was frozen. Literally. Those plants may have been inside—right on the fireplace hearth (which is almost as good as outside when the wind starts blowing—really) –but the dirt was outside and even though it was protected in the carport—the dirt was rock solid. That worried me. It was either shock the already sickly plants—or leave them behind to die…

I chose to shock them. They actually seem all the better for my having done that as well. They still are not 110% up to par—but they aren’t dying or wilting or withering anymore either. I am thinking they are going to go in the basement once I get the basement more settled…

Did I tell you how well-insulated the house is? Well, it is even better than we thought.
The old thermostat was just that—old. We were planning to replace it—already had the new digital one ready to install—except we weren’t installing anything like that until after the inspection, because it required some spackling of the wall and we didn’t want to spackle or paint just before the inspection…we were willing to wait.
Well, while we were waiting for things to even out, the first gas bill came in, and it was a mite high too. Add into that I had put up my clock that tells the inside temperature and we quickly found out why the gas bill was so high. The old thermostat was broken. The inside temp was nearly 70.
So, R turns the furnace off. Takes off the old, the bad thermostat (which may have been reset by someone in order to keep the older woman who lived there warmer while not letting her know that she was being taken care of that way—I’ve seen much worse things done in the name of keeping a cheap elderly parent from killing herself in the name of saving a penny or two)—quickly wires in the new one, while spackling the wall and all that happy stuff.
He does this in the early evening of Wednesday. He programs the new thermostat. Gets everything set up and ready to go. I wrap holiday presents.

I am not proud to say that we missed three holidays now. Usually we do St Nicholas Day—and Solstice—and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, when we are all together…we did nothing as yet…well, the kids had Christmas w the ex’s family—like last year. I miss them and I hope there are good pictures to be had…before like next Halloween or so. But, the kids are together and that’s what matters most to me, that they grow up close and loving one another and part of one another’s lives. If it means I have to step back now and then and let them have their time together without me, so be it. I still bought the presents for St Nicholas Day – we get books then. Solstice is more of an artsy holiday, with different handwork projects and art supplies. (not that any of us need much there this year…). And of course the commercial buy-out of Christmas….so N gets his blue camera and E gets her BFC doll (don’t ask me—I have no clue—I just bought the darned thing—it’s an American Girl knock-off from what I can see…all that means to me is I should have plenty of knitting and crochet patterns to pull from!)

I wrap all the presents…I do not use up all the paper, nor do I use up all the tape. I am surprised at myself. I always try so hard for E. I kept thinking I needed to buy her more, in order to ensure she had as much as N…blah blah blah. Turns out…w the wii games and whatnot, the chick did get more than her brother…but at least everyone got what they wanted. We’ll see how that goes when they come back and get to open presents….
So, I wrap presents. R watches the rest of ‘District 9’ (EXCELLENT and provocative movie—beware of European pacing, especially in the beginning, my American friends). We go home. Yes, we are still living w R. Funny thing is – I don’t really see that ending even after all the unpacking is done, even after he gets back from his ski trip. The fact we didn’t buy the big house and all move in together is still a big bone of contention at the moment—it’s really rankling to him. Although we are prepared and preparing to start looking again in a few months, once he has a visible viable income from this house to add to his income base—as well as hopefully having a better paying job than the one he has now…I’m not worried. I know we’re moving in together, just as I know we’ll be getting married. Timing right now does not worry me there.

Christmas Day. It started out rough for me. It’s been a rough week. More on that later. (It has to do w the miscarriage in July.) We go to my house to put the trash out for collection on Friday am (when they tell you to have all trash out at the curb by 6a here—they DO mean it). The house was freezing. I hadn’t worn a coat over, just the fleece I’d been wearing around the house. I figured it was just me feeling chilly when we got into the house. Rich wore his coat over—so he knew it was cold inside the house.

How well-insulated is my house? It stood, without heat, for roughly 24 hours, in 25-30 degree winter weather…and it was 52 degrees inside the house.
If that had been the C house—it would have been colder inside the house than outside…
This house is extremely well-put-together…for which I am truly grateful.
What caused the heat loss issue? Well, when R replaced the old thermostat, he turned off the furnace so he wouldn’t be electrocuted or anything. He forgot to turn it back on. We got that sorted out real quick.

What else? What else?

Do you know what I saw the other day?

A squirrel trying to commit suicide by Christmas light strand. Or maybe trying to steal them to light up his own nest!
Oh, it was so funny.
It was obviously a younger squirrel. It was sitting on the neighbor’s latticework. On the very top edge. It poked and prodded and pulled and CHEWED the neighbor’s Christmas lights. I watched that silly squirrel for about 15 minutes, before it abandoned its holiday light investigation and then ran off to chase bunnies or whatever else it was going to do. I had no clue where the camera was, any of them, or else I would have snapped a few pics. As it was, I simply watched and made comments about how nutty (no pun intended) the silly thing was.

When R gets back from skiing, I get to go bowl in front of a professional so that I can get my bowling ball drilled properly for me. I am sort of disconcerted by this. I’m looking forward to it though. I very much want to try out my shoes and see if they do glow in the light of the bowling alley. Lol

I have also accepted the challenge from Nano to edit my novel—which of course I must do or R will kick my butt to no end…but let me put it out here as well, so that everyone may see it.

I pledge to rewrite and to edit my book, before the July, 2010, deadline given by createspace to have my book printed up by them. It will not be a 50000 word novel by the time I am through—it will probably run a great deal longer than that. But, since my main character is back banging at my mental door, complaining that I have not been writing of late…surely it will not be a difficult thing to accomplish.

Speaking of, my wonderful man ran the phone wire down into the basement so that I can set my office up downstairs! Wah hoo. No more sharing office space in my bedroom. We also went to a computer store the other day, micro something—and R is about to build a computer from scratch—we’re not sure if it’s for me or for him at this point…depends on what I want. I am pretty jiffy where the wireless network is concerned, especially since he set mine up to be secure and all that. I have been thinking a laptop and my external hard drive would be terrific for me. The full-sized laptop would negate the visibility issues and the keystroke issues I have w the netbook. Not that I don’t love that thing and don’t bring it all over w me. But I would dearly love to drag my computer all over the place w me and not have to worry about anything while I am on calls or while I have children sick or while I have children online sucking up all the computer time and space! I am leaning far too close to a laptop. And I like that.

I think I have rambled way more than enough for one night—do you think I have made up enough time here in one entry?

A reminder to self for the next installment—the New Year…and the challenges I wish to set for myself. Not resolutions. But GOALS.

Here’s hoping your holidays were blessed and lovely.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I am procrastinating :-)

I know--hard to believe, huh?

This week-end, we're renting a cargo van to let me go to town moving things back and forth on my own. Let's see how much I can accomplish on my own. Or w two kids in tow. Which is what is really going to make it fun. :-)

But we'll see. I know I've done it before, but my mother helped like gangbusters when we moved to MD. But this time I don't have the 'have to protect and overprotect' vibe going w the kids. I know I can do it. It's a matter of timing.

Hey. The knitman doll I made for a friend was a HUGE hit. I love it.

Oh, the moving knitting project is definitely the Captain America sweater for N.
Not that I am moving really fast on it or anything, but hey.

I also have a simply while I am on the phone project going as well. The pillar stitch (from Barbara Walker's first treasury of knitting patterns) turned into a scarf.
I have always liked the pillar stitch since the first time I saw it...I've used it before...I will use it again...

Things are not going as badly as they are being made to seem by others around me. :-)

Light some candles for us about the inspection this Thursday. I think everything is going to be fine. R will be replacing the broken pane of glass in the basement tonight before he goes bowling.
Other than the driveway--things should be good.

And with that, I must be off. I need to print some worksheets for E today...and I need to start working on packing the kitchen...

I do appreciate all the comments and emails I've been getting. Please don't be offended if I don't respond quickly...I am not online very much and when I am it's usually when I am on a call w a client--so I don't do much more than surf and look at pictures then....

I will get back to you--just please bear w me. :-)

Friday, December 4, 2009


We FINALLY closed on the 70s house!!

It's all ours.

Welcome to the future....

Now the real work begins...

I'm A Bad Bad Girl Today, Baby

Oh, this is just fun. The netbook hooked up to a regular sized keyboard--who knew that could be so much fun?
So, not only can I have my gmail account open (on the desktop), I can work on this account (which is not connected to my gmail account--but to another account all together)--and still get everything done i want to get done.

First things first, unless there is a national natural disaster (Gods forbid), we close today around 2p.
First, why we won't ever use US Title again.
The mortgage was approved. So everything associated with the mortgage was done. US Title was supposed to be researching the property title to make certain the property title was clear. They chose not to do this. They chose to see if R was clear.
Now, since his divorce in 2000, R has gotten a second mortgage, and has refinanced his house three, four times. He also bought a brand new car during that time. Not once was there ever an issue.
US Title pulled something up that has never and still does not show up on R's credit report.
In his divorce, R was responsible for paying off some bill. He paid it off. neither her attorney nor his ever told either of them that she would have to go back and let the courts know he paid it off. otherwise, he would have made darned sure he told them and she told them.
Flash forward to the ultra insecure girlfriend before me...the one who had the need to eradicate any woman from his past. She threw out all the receipts that he was keeping for a reason. Canceled checks and the like. Funny how all her micromanagement insecurity keeps popping up (you should have read the doc she wrote for the dog sitter...I nearly cried it was so pitiful--so beyond micromanagement and so clear that she lacked any of the basic common sense most people have when dealing with a dog sitter...unless you have a 2 pound chihuahua who needs her mani/pedi every day sort of dog....) ... R had to prove this bill had been taken care of--the bank won't print checks older than 7 years...this was 8 yrs old...he was able to provide bank statements, which do not show to whom the check is made out, but it does show payment has been made.
He sent letter to the ex...and if she doesn't take care of this, he can take her to court to settle it and she is responsible for all the attorney's fees and everything. So all and all, not a bad thing.
it was brought to light and we can take care of it.
no real issue.
Other than the stupidity of ex's. At least the ex wife can be given some small credit, since no one mentioned she'd have to get off her butt and tell someone he took care of things. luckily, r did tell his attorney when he paid it off. So that's there as well.
The ex-girlfriend--oh--her we get to pick on her irrational fears and insecurities that much more...which is REALLY fun for me--because I have been here for 9 years...and she has hated me all along as one of his past conquests....which R and I have always found have other people...but, I won't name names, basically because everyone I know always thought that was hysterical...

Now, why we won't be using Vinson (I may be spelling it wrong) mortgage ever again is a different matter...well, it would help if the person we were working with would actually learn how to call a customer back. I have never seen such appalling disregard for someone who is trying to give you their money before...such shoddy customer service.
Add into that the unprofessional appearances of their company. We should ahve closed yesterday. But we didn't. They were planning to change internet service providers next week. The day before yesterday, their current provider shut off all their service. So they were screwed until they could manage to get something up today. No, they cannot run numbers or anything else without having internet access. Which means, because they could not give us the total for the check to bring to closing, we couldn't close.
And today, again, we sit here waiting to be told how much to get a cashier's check for. This is the worst outfit I have ever seen. Dealing with this much money on the table, and the agent (L) cannot even be bothered to give you a call-back. when we were supposed to close this past Monday, someone (I forget who at this point) told R that the lady (I am assuming this means the seller's party or something) had already been contacted that the closing wouldn't be going that day....but no one called R to let him know that.... more US Title for us and no more Vinson Mortgage for us.

Although I do believe the person R wanted to work w in the first place but who never really got around to returning phone calls realizes now that he missed a sale--and is now trying to be a gracious sales person...but we'll just have to see about him.

what is it about the real estate business that no one knows how to return a bloody call? from the real estate agents to the mortgage people...You would think these people would be more on the ball...but it's like this every time...ever since we bought the first house in AR...and I have heard I was a wonder I didn't fight harder to take the test when I did the real estate sales agent course....(for those who didn't know or who forgot...I gave birth to N the day I was supposed to be taking the test--either the day of the test or very close to it...)

On to other things...

So, I finished my nano novel. Createspace will print my book for free (not just me, all Nano winners)...if I am done with the rewriting and the editing no later than July 1. As things stand at the moment, I meant to get out of bed this morning and start the next scene...since I have cut most of the non-essential stuff from this version...and as scary as it seems, i didn't have to cut as much as i thought I would...I merely have to move things around a bit and fill in the gaps. BUT...this is not a 50000 word novel. Maybe a 100000 word novel...but not 50000 words....but I am not planning to do much at all, except as the Muse hits me (as she did today, even though I have thus far ignored her....) until after we move...

I trust we are closing today. It's after the full moon...things are breaking open again and moving along. Something like an ice floe that was stuck and has broken into smaller pieces due to current or temperature or the striking of rocks or other things...or any combination is the time to move forward...

I have needed the respite of staying at R's house the past ouple days. I hadn't realized how much I needed it.

Funny, how I have debated about putting myself out here in this forum, although that is what I am known for. I hate to think that knowing certain other people read this blog may cause me to censor myself more than I normally would. So, today I am trying to break through that. :-)

People who have known me for a very long time cannot get over the fact that I have never been raped. I'm easy. I used to drink too much. If you offered me something, anything but a needle, i did it. I hung out with people whose only goal was self-destruction. My best friend for many years truly was Death. One friend still picks on me--learning to deep throat was not the issue. The tricky part was not regurgitating when I did it, because I had had my stomach pumped so often, on top of other more bulimic issues. I have a hair trigger gag reflex.
What has R taught me here? That trust trumps hair trigger gag reflex--every time. Something the ex hub couldn't have convinced me of in a million years--namely because he and i both knew there was no reason to trust him. All these years later, and only now am I getting what other people joked and teased me about about the ex-hub when we lived in Fayetteville, I really get things that left me baffled back then.

Where am i going with this? Having the house broken into is akin to rape. I was never raped, and I hol to this, because you literally cannot rape the willing. there was never a need to take me by force. I was willing. I learned from the ex hub because of his first ex wife when I was 21 yo that I didn't have to have sex every time he wanted to--no one had ever told me that maybe after that rape might have been an issue...but I wasn't running with the same wild crowd any that time, T was in the process of completely destroying me...and he was the first person who preferred to sit and watch me to make sure the pills didn't kill me rather than take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped...twice he did this...because he didn't want people to look at him the wrong way...interesting huh? Yet, we have proof, I am the only woman in his life he did not physically abuse...makes ya wonder some days...not me though...I know better...what he did to me was so much worse...physical pain heals. Scars fade. What he did still bleeds to this day...but the thoughts of her return are more than enough to quell anything else...and the clock draws nearer and despite his best efforts--she does know how to find me...and I know how to find him...but I won't.

Back to the house (It's a full moon--Ive been quiet too long--I'm chirpy today...)--

I can't sleep in my own bed...the guys spent a great deal of time in my bedroom. They never touched my actual lingerie drawer...which i find funny. They found the toy drawer (most of the toys are at R's house--I'd just taken them that week--for a variety of reasons....) -- they had a field day w my panty drawer...I mean, we found panties in the den....
I admit, I have a lingerie fetish. it's how I live and breathe and know I am a girl. I don't wear the stuff for any man, although R loves it...I wear it for me and i always have.
E and I watch the Victoria Secret show every year, because R reminds us every year. But E and I both love the lingerie, the shoes, the make-up. E could do what I hedged around and never really went for...she could become the model...I took the fetish route and never went legit there...and then I found T and my life went to hell for the next way too many years...but I am teaching my daughter--you don't wear sexy bras or sexy shoes because the man in your life likes it--you like it or you don't bother...if the guy in your life doesn't like what you like, you are with the wrong guy. period. It's true. Trust me, the other ex was more than enough proof of that.
No matter how hard you try, being something you are not 100%, no matter what the reason, it never works for long...

The break-in...I was more upset over the cheesy poofs being gone--they were for N--and the ramen noodles being gone--those were for E. I am ticked off at the landlord. If he had done as he had promised and gotten us central air, we wouldn't have had that huge window a/c unit.
Then again, if he had had the torn roofing paper on the carport taken care of and the broken window from July taken care of, the city might not have thought the house derelict this summer and wouldn't have cut my lawn and all the rose bushes and lilac bushes and other shrubs and flowers we had planted....including 4 ft tall nandino bushes and 2 ft tall boxwoods--but that is another discussion...and one I will have no problem making public once I finish typing out the the list of things that need to be done to the house...because I plan to give this list not only to the landlord...but also to the city, as well as anyone else I can think to give it to...because ...well...I will just let that one go...but since i am not pursuing anything legally, I'll let it go. I was never going to pursue anything legally--but I was planning to move--and walk away from everything there.

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm grumbling.

The house is safer now that we pulled that a/c unit out and have left it on the back porch--we didn't have anywhere else to put it--and I don't want it. If the guy had told me he'd be putting in window units before I moved in--I wouldn't have moved in at all. And i told him that central ir was my sticking point. No central air and I was off to see some other house. But he promised, verbally, central air. Ah-yuh--look how that turned out. We won't go there.

That does nto mean the house is safe. It feels--different. I know how lucky we are. I also know how much protection went into that house. I believe that the break in happened for a reason.

I beleive at least one of those kids who broke in will never again in his whole entire life do anything the least bit untoward, much less 'bad'....this poor young man has learned his lesson. His mom is moving her family, the son and daughter, out of the neighborhood. Her own mother is the minister of their church. I think she said Alton or Belleville or something like that. But her son will not be permitted to remain in the proximity of usch stupid kids who have no goals in their lives.

I am not worried that this one boy is out of juvie. I was nto worried when he came over after school to talk to me, to see if he could do anything to help. I had jsut finished loading the pod, so there really was nothing. I felt so bad for the kid. He was nearly in tears. This boy feels the remorse. He gets credit.

I haven't seen the others--except for the two instigators that live right up the road. The ones whose mother doesn't care what they do. The ones who don't go to school. the ones who have nothing better to do than break in to their friends and neighbors houses to see what they can get...I do not think they will do anything...because the cops know they are the ring leaders...but that doesn't mean I need to be under their scrutiny or anything else....those two I truly beleive are corrupt and will not learn, because they just don't care. These are the type to go to jail, learn how to do more terrible things, and come out planning to do them...there is no hope for them...and that is their choice. But I'll be darned if I'll stick around for it...

I was just getting back into the space where i could drive, not a lot, not well, and conditions have to be just right or I get too nervous and have to pull over--and now my vertigo when R is driving is back.
However, i am stubborn personified at times. Once we have the go ahead--I will have no issues driving back and forth, loading and unloading, getting things moved from one venue to the next. I can see that coming. I can taste it at the edge of my mind...I know it's coming and I am prepared.

I hate to move. really I do. And yet...we move into this house, knowing R and I will be moving in together within the year...not into either of these houses, but into the bigger house with the land attached so we have woods and farmland and critters galore....hating to move will not stop me from moving though...I am simply hoping that after R and I move in together, there's not going to be a great deal of moving after that. traveling, yes. I know there will be a great deal of that--but the whole packing and moving...nope.

Funny thing, as we are set to moving, we are bringing things to R's house--and as we go shopping we are leaving stuff at his house--E found this huge bag of stuffed animals in the basement. R thought it was mine, since we had stuff in his basement for ever so long...but I told him--not ours. I am far more likely to toss bags of stuffed animals.

The ex girlfriend, in all her desire to be rid of all traces of his other exs--she totally missed that bag of toys--and some of the toys had the ex's name on them! That's how I figured out to whom they belonged. bag of hammers left some stuff behind. Yet the last ex, with all her weird insecurities and her bizarre sweeping through his house/basement to rearrange things and get rid of things, she never noticed that bag of toys? Funny.... the way that freaky woman's head worked...I mean, I work in circles...but she is so much stranger...I feel for her...

Now--on to other things--because I need to get them written down somewhere before I forget...

I have had a few ideas roaming around my head lately...mostly concerning the Nano book.
I have never actually finished an entire book before.
I have several books on how to build an online platform before you get known. I already have platforms out there...
I am thinking of dismantling most of the various different blogs and consolidating all the writing practice blogs into one main writing blog...which will lead to me picking up the blog I started to set up months and months ago and have as yet done nothing else....

But there are so many other things....

This is my bear with me...

There is the landlord here I want to make sure everyone knows who he is so they are wary when they do business with him. He is a good guy, just don't expect much from him as a landlord.

There is this etsy store...I ordered a diapering system in July--and to date...nada...and the excuses don't fly.
i have contacted etsy--and ya know what, there is nothing etsy can do...
and since it's older than 30 days, you know what, there's nothing paypal can do....

I have a client who told me back towards last Christmas never to use paypal, because paypal has no direct power over anything. It's true. That lesson I learned. Although there are other ways to go about recouping losses. She gave me a great deal of information on those things. Pretty cool there.

But, no more etsy for me. Sorry. No more paypal, except under the strictest of guidelines...which is fine, since our other business accepts credit cards outright and we don't have to worry much about paypal there...

There are so many other things that are looking up.

I have a new schedule to set up...again that will have to wait until after the move is complete...

So--don't get me started on the of the things I plan to do when we have the truck is buy more bookcases....and then there are the kids' requests...and a dining room table...


I think this may take care of things for today--at least at the moment...I've been stalling.
Even at R's house, there is laundry to fold, turkey to dehydrate (E LOVES this stuff...R and I can leave it happily--but hey, E is overjoyed. Of course, we also say if we told E that R dehydrated it, we're pretty sure we could get her to eat dirt and sticks and long as R dehydrated it. lol)

So, off I more things crop up, I'll let you know.
Don't expect a lot from me for another couple weeks...but ya never know...

Monday, November 30, 2009


Delay on the house closing.

Not a deal breaker. At all.

Just a delay.

More to come.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Just A Heads Up

As you can see, I haven't been around here much for the past couple weeks.

Nano is a great excuse. (52173)
Thank goodness I finished it...there is so much re-writing and editing to do there...but that won't happen until after this move is all over.

We are closing Monday morning at 10a.

Then we do a couple small repairs to please the city--and we go from there.

The POD is not even halfway full.
My current plan at the moment is to fill the thing--then hire someone to pack everything else and move it all...

I may be putting a good and happy spin on things, but I am not overall happy about being here in this house any more. I cannot and I will not stay here. I will not allow my children to stay--or my dog.

There's a lot of things going on.
I am not really able to knit--or read much--or write--or much of anything else useful at the moment.

So, my apologies for the scant and thready details.
Keep us in your prayers.

Be back very soon...don't give up hope....

Giving Thanks and Then Some

This past week I have had a great deal of time to look at things from so many different angles.
I am a very lucky woman, on so many levels.  My family is very lucky.  We are all so blessed. 
Some kids broke into our house this past Sunday.  They didn’t get very much.  They took food—which I keep laughing about, because it is so very stupid ….  These kids decided to screw up their lives to steal food. 
This is not the first house that has been broken into the past few months.  The same ring leaders.  The mother of the one kid who was involved in this break in told me that these are the kids who broke into her house in August. 
This really is a very good neighborhood, despite the two kids who are the ring leaders/bad seed.  Two parents, representing three of the six kids, have come to me to talk to me about how bad things are, how mortified the parents are, how the kids will be making things up to me, apologizing to me, everything.  The one kid has apologized via his mother.
Things could have been so much worse, so radically worse.  The only things important to me were not anywhere near the house.  The dog was at R’s house.  The kids were w us.  Everything else, well, none of it really matters, now, does it?  I have plenty of money to pay someone to pack things up and move everything.
I am not upset by this.  I am upset by the time limits and the space limits that are currently holding me back.  They too are temporary. 
Let me see.  Let me get the vandalism/theft. Get this out of my system.
The two ring leaders live a few houses down.  Normally, I am gone from my house one day a week.  Sundays.  To drop my son off at his dad’s, after we take him out to eat, and sometimes to play.  Now and then, to shop. 
We came back to my house on Fri evening, to get clothes/etc from my house to take top R’s.  E and I had been at R’s since Wed night.  T dropped N off at R’s house on Fri afternoon.  Hence the trip to my house that evening, for cheesy poofs and movies and whatever else.  Everything was fine in the house then.
Sunday between 2 and 230p, one of our other neighbors saw the kids break in to our house—by manhandling the big window a/c unit out of the window, which took MASSIVE effort, considering how well R put the darn thing in. 
Number one: if the landlord had put in the central air unit the way he promised to before we moved in—this would not have happened.  I simply want to point this out.
Number two: the window unit in the kitchen is huge—we decided to leave it in the window over the winter mostly because we had no place to put it…even the little unit is still sitting in the den because there is nowhere else to put it—other than the attic—and there is no way I would manhandle those things up there. 
There was damage --- there is a lot of food missing.  They drank about 2 gallons of fruit juice while they were here.  The ransacked and went through the deep freeze.  They took E’s ramen noodles (which the mom I talked to about her son actually replaced for E last night—we are praying that this boy, who has never been in trouble before and who has his whole life in front of him, really learns his lesson—and I believe, after talking to his mother, that this is one kid who will go on to much better things….)  and N’s cheesy poofs (there were 4 bags, only 2 went to R’s house)….
There are minor things missing…a lot of pocket change…but anything right out in the open is still sitting there…they missed my engagement, wedding and anniversary ring—because they were too busy tossing my underwear all over the house…which is just hilarious.
Now.  Lingerie is my fetish.  It is the one way I always use to make me feel like a girl, not just a mom.  Even before R, I maintained my collection—although due to the fact he likes it too, my collection has expanded these past few months….  All my wicked weasel stuff is still here and still intact.
The only real damage done to anything was accidental.  They threw everything to the floor—and stuff got stepped on.  So I need to replace some knitting needles—and I need a trip a Catholic supply store to replace some figurines…
I have to laugh though.  I have thousands of dollars worth of stuff in this house…I have a pair of knitting needles that are $50 brand new here….one pair….BUT if you are a punk kid looking to score fast cash…I have the tv, and I have computers which aren’t that new or updated—and lots and lots of kids dvds….
My jewelry may get you something…but it’s easily traceable…and none of it means my life would be over—except for one very simple silver ring I will barely take off when I ought to, like cooking or cleaning or something.  And that ring is not an expensive thing either…not worth stealing…and since I know where it came from I can replace it easily.  This ring is important, because R wears one just like it…I bought them, for us.  Made in Ireland…they say basically translated, ‘soul mate’ in Gaelic…
No one would want to steal that ring.  It’s not the whole wow can I get money for that kind of thing.
I don’t have anything in this house that a thief would want.  My stuff is books—yarn—more books—hooks—knitting needles—more books….and whatever the kids have here—which can be toys and books…not electronic things—there is no ninetendo here—no gameboy—no game system—no games whatsoever….
I have to laugh.  It’s so sad.  I always figured someone would come in, swipe the tv and the dvds and that would be it.  There is nothing else in this house of interest to anyone else but me.  I have a thing for my kitchen and cooking…I knit and crochet and sew…we read here…we write here….we homeschool so we have massive books—and we have massive educational dvds.  These had to be the most disappointed thieves ever.  Food was the only other thing in this house that is worth stealing.
The one music cd I had in my computer hard drive was purposefully broken (Gwen Stefani—already uploaded it to itunes too)—all I could think of was how very ticked they had to be to realize I honestly seriously do not have anything worth anything to a thief looking to score quick bucks. 
And these were kids.  I am not sure how old the oldest ones were—the other parent who came to talk to me is the father of one and the grandfather of another…so I will leave that up to you to decide….can you imagine walking into a house full of dvds for the kids…no cash anywhere (not that they found, other than spare change) … no jewelry…no cds (they were checked out and found lacking apparently since they went through a cd album I have had since before my divorce)—full of books and yarns and kids stuff… I didn’t even have soda in the house—because I rarely if ever have any…I do now because root beer tends to help settle my stomach…and my stomach has been bugging me a lot since Sunday.
But still….they came in…wrecked the place…ate a bunch and took food and a few small not really important things…and then were all caught.  Neighbor saw them go in and called the cops.  Cops get here in five minutes or less.  Cops told us the kids were in here for about 20-30 mins (they had to wait til they came out to catch them)—neighbor watched them go in—cops watched them go out—all of them were caught.
Mom from last night told me they were all in juvie for 28 days, unless the parents could prove that otherwise the kids were good kids.  The ring leaders—their mom doesn’t care one way or another.  They aren’t out.  The one boy got out last night.  Him I pray for—him and the son/grandson team too.  I don’t know the one remaining kid I know nothing about.  The apparent ring leaders are the ‘twins’, from right up the road.  If they show up before the 28 days, I am taking my kid and my dog, and moving into R’s house and paying someone to pack and move everything for me…I will not stay here if they come out…it’s not the first time they’ve been in trouble…it’s not the last…
Now, since I am done giggling about the stupidity of the thieves, let’s talk about me.
Look at my last year.  I can’t drive due to the accident we were in last November where I could have lost my daughter.  I went through a world of trash when R broke up with his emotionally retarded ex.  I had a miscarriage and an almost pregnancy….
The RSD I picked up working for SBC as a telephone operator has been kicking up a lot more of late…couple with another RSD from the work I do on the phone…which has now been corrected…once I stopped believing the fallacies I learned from other unreputable places…and started to listen to not just myself, but R as well…
I have R, as rocky as I can make that now and then.
We are finally in the real estate investment business, which we have been planning to do for not quite 7 years.
We are moving less than a mile from R—until we have enough combined income to buy the bigger house together—which will be within the year.
E is finally coming together w the homeschooling.  And boy oh boy, has she been a very big help the past couple days.
My work is booming.  I am doing ten times better financially, since what June, than I have done in the past two years I worked for someone else.
And this is only the beginning.
I wrote 50000+ words for a novel—and the novel is done.  I have been writing scenes here and there to add to it—but the story is there, beginning to end….and all it lacks is massive massive editing and rewriting…
Now with the move, I will have access to everything I didn’t realize I didn’t have access to while in this house.  I hadn’t realized until I started to pull stuff out that I had been living in wait again…waiting until I have the space to access the yarn stash, the fabric stash, the whatever else we had or needed…
Now I will be able to find, to locate every book, every title, whenever I want it…without having to dig or move through stuff.
Now the dog won’t be worried about going out outside….
Now the kids can play in the backyard without my having to worry about morons living behind us throwing glass and garbage into our yard.
Hey, I said we have a good neighborhood here—but there are bad elements.  The people who live behind me are complete jerks and irresponsible a****les, but other than tetanus or trash everywhere—or rocks on the roof from the unruly kids—they aren’t really much to worry about there…
I have the money here not only to give the kids an excellent holiday—last year I wasn’t sure we’d be able to make it to January, much less being able to give them gifts—I was worried about buying food…this year—I have no reason to worry at all….
I have the money to pay someone to come in and pack everything, move it and drive it…and unload it. 
With money to spare afterwards…
It’s an amazing thing.
And it is so horrible for R—I gave him his holiday gift, his thanks for helping us move gift, and his birthday gift  (it’s early for a reason)—and I have been forbidden to buy him anything else at all until after his birthday….
Not that he can stop me from doing the smaller things I normally do for him—but the bigger things have to stop for awhile…
And there is always my knitting fetish… he is not out of the water entirely where it comes to me doing for him and giving him things…mwahahahaha…
Anyway…enough about my torturing the man I love by being nice to him—something he, like me, is not at all used to having happen…
The burglary actually helped me in some very unique ways.
Funny how I can say things all along and then all of a sudden start to really get them and mean them.
I am far better able to toss stuff out the front door into the trash without flinching at the moment. 
Example.  I had three crock pots.  My good one, it got broken by small children knocking stuff over accidentally.  The bowl of it was broken.  There was no way to fix it.  It had been a gift from N’s grandmother.
I had another crock pot that was smaller.  Bought in WV.  Older.  Loved it.  Had a flowery one that I got from R because he was getting rid of it.  One was to be for remilling soap.  Another for making candles. 
I tossed the two smaller ones.  Now, I have no crock pot.  I will be buying one, after we move.
I use coffee cups to hold pens and crochet hooks and knitting needles…and generally anything else that tends to lie around…I have cups full of pens, cups for scissors, so many things….
I have been tossing them left and right these days. 
There are things I can’t get rid of, due to where they came from…or why I hold on to them……
I had jeans from my marriage…I’ve been saving them.  They still fit and fit well.  But—they are the ‘old’ high waisted jeans (not 70s high waisted, just not low riders…).   I have been hanging on to them, because eventually they’d come back in style….but Monday, I threw them away.  Without a flinch.  Without a tremor. 
I am hoping to continue that pattern.  Pictures are coming off the walls and going into the trash…the Picasso posters have been gone for months.
I am planning to go through sweaters and dresses today…and the dresser in the storage room that I haven’t been able to get to since we got everything from MD last year.
So many things…so many things to do…we need to have it done and soon….
I am sort of looking forward to closing this house up and moving in w R until we get the 70s house ready to move into……
More to come….