The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Friday, July 30, 2010

By Definition






What you think you see, what you believe to be the true authentic person, is merely an outer persona, a character played out, like Rachel Ray or Martha is a Brand, and not the actual person at all.  Just because you only see one side does not mean this is the only side to that person at all.  Just because you think you know everything about that person based upon that outward Brand persona doesn't mean you know anything at all about that person in real true life, as a person and not as a Brand.
Take care...lest you confuse Marketing with Reality...

Friday, A Week In Review (July 30)

            So, where stand we on the overall all what did I accomplish this week scale?
          Well, I submitted work to three different sites…for which I am most pleased.  I also updated my own blogs, all three of them, which is pretty exciting for me, after such a long bout with procrastination in regards to all of them lately. 
          I am not quite full force on the rest of my writing, for example, morning pages and daily writing practice, but at least I am not giving up; I keep trying.
          I did not get everything that is not N’s out of his room yet…but I did make some big leaps in organizing his room and moving things around enough to make it look more like his room instead of the catch all the other stuff we don’t know what to do with room.  He may have to use his sister’s sheets for a bit, until we get the linens unpacked, but he does have clean sheets, that are not flannel.  At least we did get his dressers switched out and his clothes settled in.  He had plenty of floor space, even if his books aren’t put away (since the bookcase for his room is still downstairs…)…so, overall, we are all happy about things in his room.  He can find everything himself.  That’s the big thing right there.
          We completely took care of the fish tank. The rabbits, well, they get their cages swept and cleaned out every day, or every other day at a minimum…grooming…the fierce stuff needed to remove the mats…that’s still coming.  If R had been here this week-end, we would have done it then.  It’s still on the list.
          I have a new listing, a new skill.  I still need to write up the two articles about this and post them on the appropriate blog.  I have the toll free number set up already to accept credit cards and so forth for phone clients; I am looking for in-person or cyberspace clients as well.  I can see a great deal of possibility in this next step in my process.  I am rather excited about it.  Which you can see by the fact I have known about it all week (thanks to a conversation with my darling friend Beth) and I have yet to do more than take the basest of notes about the two articles I am planning to write in order to market my new skills…but that’s just me.
          I finished the large guide me for as long as it takes dreamboard, as well as the smaller just a nudge for this month dreamboard.  I didn’t want to miss another month of dreamboards, even though I was still doing that much work with my May dreamboard as yet…and I do know there is plenty there I can still work in and with…all is reflected and augmented in the new many moons dreamboard though, so that works…
          We discovered my favorite dish at my favorite Thai restaurant: pineapple curry, with shrimp.  I didn’t have an actual favorite dish before this.  Usually I like the yellow curry, with shrimp.  Always with shrimp.  Pearl, I can always trust their shrimp.
          I did knit up at least one more square for the knitting instructor course, and I hemmed and hawed and moped about, trying to decide what to work on next…and as yet, have not picked up any needles whatsoever.  I am not really certain what I am waiting for at the moment.  I did design a shrug that I need to knit up.  I need to make a swatch or two to test my theory about things, but otherwise it is ready to be tested.  I played around with the knitting software I have to see if I could figure out how to chart out the Faroese style shawl I designed so I can get a good sample of that knit up in order to put together the pattern for sale.  I decided my software stinks and I need to do some more research and find something better, soon.  Timing…timing…back again.
          I redid our lulu store…because we are doing this.  We still plan on publishing R’s poetry.  There’s still nothing in our lulu store, so don’t get too happy yet.  His poetry.  My poetry.  My knitting patterns.  Those are all forth-coming, but until then…there’s nothing there to see yet.  I did learn a few very interesting things while I was there, bumming around.  We can make calendars and all sorts of other things.  So many doors just flew wide open there.  The more I sit and think about the possibilities, the more excited I get.
          Hmm.  I didn’t do that much unpacking.  The bathroom/linen closet from the old house is done.  I had to tear through things last night in order to find N some sheets for his bed that were not flannel.  That means I am closer to setting up the rack to store the linens on…which will also mean I can unpack more of the kitchen.
          I am behind behind behind in emailing friends and family.  Our spring family newsletter never went out.  We are heading into the end of summer…and things are a bit iffy on if the newsletter will go out before the end of summer, or if we are looking at a fall newsletter instead.  We still need to go out and have the pictures of the kids taken anyway.  It was something we meant to do months ago, but we’ve been so busy…and on those occasions when we could have done it, like while we were out geocaching, we both completely forgot.  I moved it up on the list again.
          I researched new nose rings….almost thought I should get my belly button pierced again, especially since R loves pierced belly buttons…but, no, twice is enough, thanks…even though it’s been a couple years since the second one closed, it’s still not completely healed shut.  The scar tissue from both former piercings will make a new piercing difficult…and I don’t want to go there.
          I talked to M about my self-diagnosis in relation to the menstrual/post-miscarriage issues.  Along with a quick little article in Vegetarian Times September issue (page 19)…we both agree chaste tree berry may be helpful…but I am not stopping the other herbal therapies I am running at the moment.  If there is anything out there, other than say morphine at this point, that can help with the cramps…and those of you who understand my pain tolerance levels know if I am asking for drugs it has to be BAD…then I am willing to give it a shot.  M says to continue with the red clover for a bit longer though.  If the tincture isn’t strong enough, we may switch to freshly brewed tea…we’ll see how things go with that.
          I think the best thing that happened this week actually started out as a terrible thing.  Nosy Parkers meddling in things that they ought not meddle, or if they were going to meddle, should have considered the timing of things, started trying to cause issues within our relationship.  Our relationship is far more solid than that.  Although I would never come between R and his family, should anything ever happen, he will choose me…knowing I will never ask anything of him in regards to them…other than I not have to deal with them myself.  The issue put forth caused R and I to have a great deal of conversation…which does nothing but further cement our commitment and our dedication to and for one another.  The best things always arrive in the guise of the worst … even though it may take a bit for R and I to work through things entirely, we will be working on them together, as the team we are.  I am not going anywhere when it comes to him.  There are only three things in this world I am willing to live, to die and to kill for…and that is R, E and N, and in no particular order.  My clan totem is the Grizzly…I did inherit the skills of my mother, the grizzly bear protecting her cubs.  R has been my best friend for more than ten years…I do not take that relationship lightly, nor have I ever.  For those who presume to know what goes on between us, you can play Iago all you want…R and I cannot be swayed.
          Now we come to the week-end…tomorrow is shopping day w Beth, for N and me…Brian is kindly going to watch E and Henry…Three kids is a bit much for him…and N already has serious issues w male authority, so he’s coming w us, mostly because alone he doesn’t cause as much stress as he does say when he and E are competing…for anything…N gets to stay w us til Monday afternoon…I am so happy about this.
          My darling boy, R, is out camping…and hopefully, despite all the rain, going floating tomorrow.  I am not certain how much I will have accomplished before he returns.  I have the kitchen to clean up, after all the dehydrating and preparing things we did here yesterday and today.  I have plenty of laundry to fold and put away.  I think I can manage to carve out space in the basement to start sanding that old dresser of N’s…but I am not quite ready to paint it with all this rain...
          I still need to get those items up on craigslist (water bed, water bed mattress, deep freeze chest, electric stove—so if you’re interested, let me know).  I need to take some pictures of a couple things…which, again, means moving things around.  Nothing that is not doable.
          I think I shall work on my goddess boxes, unpacking and spreading the love around the house…I still have crystals I can put up in the windows in the back of the house…I like the way the air is clearing around here.  If other people would … stop thrusting their own issues upon other people…this would have been “Home” this week, since I started the week in full force, after coming out of that depression over the miscarriage and other things this week-end.
          There is time, and time again…because R and I are stuck w one another for the rest of our lives…neither of us can imagine anything better…it took us this long in our lives to find someone genuine and true…and there is nothing in the Universe, not in Heaven nor Hell, that can tear us apart—except perhaps our own insecurities—but since we are more than willing to come together to discuss them and work on them, I don’t see that happening…better yet, neither does he…and he is the source of my strength in all things.
          Ok—ok to bed.  It’s been a long havoc-ridden day…I need sleep…blessed sleep…good-night.

Our Poor Little Fish

Our poor fish.

We have a forty gallon tall tank.  It's full of brackish water fish, mollies and sword tails and guppies (oh my).
I have complained, a great deal, lately, about the neon sword tails that were overtaking the tank.  Well, today I had had enough.  The water was horrid, cloudy, smelly, brackish, even though the fish liked it that way.  I assure you, I did not.  The hunter, whichever fish that was, seemed to have ceased his hunts. The swords were not thinning out at all.

So I cleaned out the tank this afternoon.  Completely.  I did a 97% water change...I had to get the water down as low as I possibly could, in order to catch all the neon sword tails that I could.  We are roughly 60-70 fish lighter in the tank now.  If you know freshwater aquarium fish, you know just how overloaded that tank has been.  We still have some mollies, mostly female.  As far as I can tell, we still have one of our red velvet sword tails...which is fine...if we're lucky we have both red velvets and both gold dust mollies, but one of them is missing, as I only catch glimpses of three reddish fish, not counting the two babies, swimming around.

We still have our guppies...although we are missing more than I care to admit.  I do believe some of the little babies running around are guppies though.  The body shape is different from the mollies, once they get large enough to really be able to see it.

I know we still have several of the neon sword tail babies in the tank.  I was not about to try fishing out every single little fry to figure out who is who and what is what.  I caught several of the larger baby neon swords and they went with their parents...that was enough for me right now.

E is upset.  Her beloved Wendy (short for Wendell) , the crown tail betta, the Jaws of our tank, was nowhere to be found.  Not a fin.  Not a scale.  Not even a crusty bit of cartilage.  I am not entirely sure I want to get another betta...but E is sure looking forward to a betta w a double tail...her Granddad bought her Auntie one a long time ago, and E has not forgotten that.  She thinks they are ever so cool.

We are short one massively large botia, on purpose.  I kept the smaller, seemingly more docile botia.  Just in case we need some snail control in there.

Until the light hit the plecto, George, once the tank was all clean and refilled, I had no idea that guy had stripes...although his size is still daunting to me, considering how tiny and puny he was when we got him.  He's about 7-8 inches long now. He was maybe an inch, inch and a half when we got him.

E should start griping any time now.  I took the taller castle out of the tank...and put the shorter decor back in for awhile.  The Buddha head, the Sphynx-like thing, and the Greco ruins...yeah, I know.  We are good for combining history and civilizations in our tank...
The castle of course was crawling w snails...I want to bleach and vinegar the heck out of that thing before we put it back into the tank...but there were so many other things going on in the kitchen today I had no desire to fight w bleach and snail eggs.  The snail eggs won't die while they are out of water.  The second water hits them again, we'll have a new crop of snails.  I'll get to it.

Snails inside the tank...those have been kept to a minimum...a few snails are ok.  They help take care of things in the tank.  If we get overrun again, no more snail eaters (like the botia)...I will find a place online that sells the stuff to kill the snails...and that will be that...til I get new plants that have more snails on them...of course...

I was thinking, right after I was done cleaning the tank, that we have mostly female mollies...and we really should get a couple new, and colorful, males...but that means more babies.  We have babies right now--with more on the way.  I was also thinking of getting more guppies...E loves her guppies.  It makes her feel that much closer to her Auntie.  Plus guppies come in leopard cool is that?  Again, we have babies we'll see how I feel in a couple weeks.  No promises.

The only fish I know I would like to get a few more of are the albino corey cats.  I love those guys.  We lost one recently.  These guys work better paired off in groups.  At least that is my experience with them.  One little guy looks smaller than the rest, more lethargic.  As if he's missing the one who passed away.  Maybe three more coreys would be a good thing here.  Again, we'll see how I feel in a couple weeks.

The tank looks clean, healthy and the plants and fish inside it look happy...if not a bit confused at times.  Without that castle in there, they do have a great deal more room in which to swim. 

Thanks for listening.  More soon.

Actual Full Moon Dreamboard

Remember when I told you I had plenty of pieces left over from my larger, not just for the Full Moon dreamboard and that I could use them to make a smaller dreamboard for the Full Moon?

This afternoon I had the time on my hands, as E got to go out on the town w some friends...I had plenty of work to do...even though I didn't get it all done.

I did make the time to do this...
here is is before gluing:

here is is right after gluing:

This one is simply to get me through the next Moon cycle...sounds strange, saying it that way...but that is how it feels.
The larger dreamboard and I have a few months, if not longer, to be working together towards this goal of ours.  This smaller dreamboard helps me focus this month.  The smaller focus leading into and building up the larger focus.
It's a beautiful thing.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sugar Filled, But Not Sugar Coated

I may not read every blog I follow every single, but I do catch things here and there.  I am frequently led to posts that trigger something in or for me…or resonate with me on some level.  Today is one of those days.  I love the title of this blog anyway, Sugar Filled Emotions.  I just love that.  The post I read there today was about having a goal for your life…It’s not just having a goal, like I will retire at age 40 or I will travel the world or anything like that.  It’s your goal for your every day life, your personage, your self.  An example may be, I will live life to the fullest every moment of the day.   I love this idea.
It’s actually something that has been sort of sifting through the edges of my brain for months now…as I have pared down more and more, as I have let go of more and more, as I have started to see the things that are important to me and to really experience life in such an amazing and magical way.
It’s taken me quite some time to get to this point in my life.  During the past two weeks, it has dawned on me that all the goals I had set for my life, as opposed to those I have set for myself, have all been altered, changed, let go of…all those things I held dear…the Rescue Ranch.  My rabbits are my consolation prize in a way.  R and I had that discussion a long time ago.  I have always wanted to go somewhere, MT or WY, as far away from human contact as possible, and have just acres and acres of land where I could rescue and rehabilitate any kind of animal that needed it, whenever it needed it…along with being as far off the grid as possible, raising our own food for human and animal, so on and so forth.  I let go of that because of all that R has been through in his life.  He wants to stay close to his family, and given his past, I know how much that means to him…so I gave up that dream because I love him enough to do so…because he and I agree that we can manage a smaller sized version of this dream locally, in this area…without him having to leave his family…without him having to leave his friends…the whole shebang.
I have given up …many other things that I am not prepared at the moment to go into in a public forum…
When we moved in w R, I let go of so much…from furniture to clothing to different material things I had held on to for years for various reasons (discussed previously in the past two months on this blog, if not longer) … and I was faced with all the issues that came up when we moved in…also discussed previously in the past couple months…it’s been difficult for me…and obviously it’s been difficult for my daughter as well…I am still letting go of emotional baggage, from my past, from my past relationship w R, from our future relationship…strange how things are, how things work…
So many things have come to the surface in my life lately…different pathways that I never anticipated exploring…I never stopped to think I should have a manifesto…because that is exactly what is called for here, exactly what Melissa talks about in her post…but…I find it thrilling and exhilarating and absolutely something that is needed.  It will help ground me, at this time when I feel like a mermaid spat out of the sea into a desert…
But what should it be?  What could I be?  What should I see so clearly that it should become my focus?
I am happy being me, right here, right now.
That’s what it is.  No matter what anyone else says or thinks or does…no matter whose toes I step on or how many people I offend…I live my life with love…no one else really matters when you walk right down to it.  No one else really knows what it is like to walk in my shoes (good luck too with those 6+ inch stilettos…)
There are so many people I can pay homage to, for helping me along my way…R, who has been here for 10+ years and who knows me inside and out; Tracy, my loving friend since, what, like, before high school?  Kerry, who is my Muse and my inspiration and who likes to smack me w faery dust when I least expect it when we’re talking about different things…Sarah who has done nothing but inspire and encourage and believe in me, which for me is so priceless…and as much as he and I both hate to admit it, I can give Tony some credit now and then…because so long as I am not living with him, he’s not so bad, really.  These are just a few of the people up close and personal in my life.  Well, a couple of them, as close as cyberspace will allow, but still, near and dear to my heart none the less…
This is what I have to share this afternoon.  What sort of credo or manifesto or little saying are you going to use as your own personal mantra?  What best describes you and makes you feel…right with your world?

Wednesday Check-In Crammed Into Thursday

So, yesterday day I fell of my new writing plan wagon…but it was for a good cause.  I sat down, several times, to try to write, but kept getting distracted.  The urge to start unpacking and organizing is beginning to actually hit lately.  It’s still hit and miss, but at least it is pushing a bit.  It’s about time.
I think I wreaked more havoc in my packing yesterday than I brought order from chaos.  My file cabinets are out, the files neatly tucked inside them, mostly in an order where I can find everything.  However, in order to get to said file cabinets to move them about and get them where they needed to be, I had to move a now unused deep freeze (small chest), a dresser, or two, a wooden bench (it goes to my dining room table), a miscellaneous amount of ikea bags, suitcases (that are empty), random boxes, as well as a large pile of blankets we haven’t quite managed to figure out what to do with as yet. 
Amazing how much better I feel knowing I can reach some of my draft work and scribbles from previous years.  The bulk of my work is stored in several plastic storage containers, which are…somewhere in the basement.  At least this is a start.
I pulled all the yarn scattered throughout the house…did I not say I was not going to buy any more yarn, except for certain projects, for the whole year this year?  Uhm, yeah, that did not work.  When we went to Hobby Lobby the other day for the yarn for E’s jacket (explanation at bottom of post), there was this lovely wool on sale, and some nice cotton on sale…who am I to pass up a sale?  When I checked out at hobby lobby, the woman behind me had two carts FULL of the sale yarn, I mean two carts piled high and near to overflowing…I was envious, to say the least….I had limited myself to nothing more than I could carry.  Luckily, that was still eleven skeins of yarn and three packages of safety eyes (I need blue eyes for A’s cheerleader doll yet).  Some of the yarn, like stuff on the dining room table, on under the coffee table, and tucked into the one end table, that stuff came from my stash…so it’s not as if everything upstairs was brand new…not counting the yarn I recently ordered form knitpicks for my EZ seamless yoke sweater, nor the yarn I recently ordered from smiley’s for several sweaters, including my not Noro klaralund…of course…the real problem is not that I collected all the yarn and it’s all in one place; the problem is…it’s in a laundry basket that is sitting in my bedroom and I don’t know where else to put it all yet. 
That is the problem that erupted yesterday…it’s not horrible or anything…it all revolves around the whole, in order to do X, we need to do Y.  In order to accomplish Y, there’s R, S, T to be done first…but in order to do R, S, T…well…you get the picture.  I finally reached that point where I am saying, fine, I need to do this to do that…if I start doing this, I will have to do that…and eventually this circular conundrum will work itself out, even if all I feel as if I am doing for a week, or more, is sorting through one pile to create a different pile…which is really what it feels like right now.
I did not remove the one dresser from N’s room…but I did move it enough that we could get the other dresser into the room…that is a plus.  I have to change the clothes from one dresser to the other…and then move the smaller dresser to …somewhere…but…it is progress.  At least if I can get all his clothes out and put away…and his knick knacks and whatnot out of the bags in his closet…then I will really feel as if I am accomplishing something. 
R will be gone on a float trip this week-end.  I had a big melt-down this past week-end.  It’s the anniversary of our miscarriage, one year ago.  (I have the post written up…just have to type it yet…please understand why I keep putting that off…it was hard enough to sit and write it…but I needed to get it out.) Add into that, with the utter chaos that our home is in at the moment, on top of all sorts of other issues, and I decided that this is not the state I want to be in to go canoeing and camping with a bunch of people I don’t know all that well yet, with the thought that the ex-girlfriend may show up and show her rump all week-end…especially since she is still furious because  I ‘destroyed’ her relationship with R (do we want to go into the whole how he claims the relationship was dying and near death before I left MO for MD…much less before I ever came back?  Why was the relationship not important enough to her to save in 2006, which is when I left, and it still wasn’t important enough for her to save in 2008, when I came back…yes, he spent all that time trying to ‘fix’ her while waiting for her to leave on her own…it was easier than fighting her… it wasn’t important enough to her at all…not even after he broke up with her, but only after she hacked his email account and found out he was dating me—then the relationship became ‘important’ to her…so don’t get me going there…)…so I have plans and more plans for this week-end.  I need to know where the drill, the level and the sander are…I am hanging things up, including my ‘enchanted’ mirror…it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s lovely…and I bought it w R one day, when N was a baby, if not before N was born…and I know right where it is going…I also want to learn how to make our own yeast using the dehydrator…hmm…yummy plans indeed…
Some days I think this house is really too small for everything we want to do in here…other days, the potential I see is really quite vast…it’s all in how we pull things together. 
While unpacking yesterday, I came across the little spirit doll heads that I had hand-sculpted before this last move…I have three that are actual faces, and one that I made a pretty shape and planned to add the details later, if need be.  I am oft times of the more Waldorf persuasion that says to limit the facial details, usually to eyes only.  When I found the heads though, I knew exactly what sort of doll heads I am going to be making in the future…I am going to stop fussing with myself over the face, over getting the features right, or making the nose big enough, or slanting the mouth just the right way…one little almost diamond shaped piece of air dried clay was all I needed to tell me, the more open to Spirit that I am, the better my dolls are going to be…plus, my friend Kerry somehow triggered something in me during a conversation about me knitting her some jewelry chains, ropes to hang her pendants from, and so on, and I think I have some entirely new ideas as to how to make these dolls of mine, once I am more…unpacked and able to find the pieces to create said dolls…Kerry is always good for things like that…she’s more than an inspiration…
All right.  Let me run through my list from Monday to see what I have accomplished yet.  Oh, scary.  One dresser into N’s room…but as yet nothing out (except some yarn)…although that’s not right—I have moved blankets and some boxes out of his room this week already.  So that counts.  The dreamboard is done and posted.  I have not unpacked any more kitchen stuff, but I did finally unpack the rest of the bathroom closet from the old house…so now we have access to all the bathroom stuff, like the hair dryer we don’t use, the curling iron we don’t use, the steam facial bath that I live for in the winter to help my sinuses…that sort of thing.  I set up a new listing (details coming) for my work…that is a plus.  Except for yesterday, I have held to my writing schedule…and today I think I may be able to reconcile, maybe not all, but most of the writing I missed yesterday…
I call that progress…
Wait—before I forget.  E’s jacket.  E has this somewhat fitted denim jacket that she loves to death.  It has cool fabric buttons and it makes her feel all girly and special when she wears it.  The body is still a good fit…but the sleeves are way too short now.  We had seen this one jacket all winter in a store that had knitted …everything.  It was a lined denim jacket, with a knitted collar, knitted sleeves, a knitted hem, knitted lining for the pockets…E and I both loved that thing…but they never had it in her size, or even a small enough larger size that I would be willing to buy it for her to grow into…BUT we now have this little jean jacket of E’s.  We are going to cut off the too short sleeves…I am planning to knit new sleeves myself, probably in a ribbed stitch…and make them plenty long…because the way this jacket fits she can wear it for years…as she grows, the jacket will still look good when it becomes a cropped jacket…I am using ‘I Love This Yarn’ acrylic, which is a hobby lobby brand…it’s very soft, as acrylics go, with more body than some other yarns…and we like it.  We’ve used it before here and there…and I will take this yarn over red heart super saver any day…
More to come…

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Simple Piece of Posterboard

        I did not realize last night was the Full Buck Moon.  For some reason, I had it in my head that this past Saturday was the Full Moon and that I had therefore missed the opportunity to make a Full Moon Dreamboard along with Jamie and the other Dreamers.  Lucky me, I didn’t miss it.  I landed smack dab in the very heart of it, eyes wide shut and prepared to dive feet first off the cliff into the watery abyss that is my subconscious.

            For a couple weeks now, I have been planning this dreamboard.  Not the images.  I had no clue whatsoever what images I was going to use, even after I had them gathered and ready to go.  I didn’t give thought to direction or color or …anything at all.  I have three different sizes of poster board downstairs.  Until the moment I grabbed a larger piece last night, I could not have even told you what size I was going to make this board.  What I decided early on though was that 1-my brain is too cluttered and I needed/wanted my subconscious to speak up and be heard…2-I wanted the message to be very very clear, even if the details were not spelled out…3-I wanted to know what Path I should be taking, what I should be making important in my life and, sort of, how and why.  Amazing, huh?  Not too much to ask, {sarcasm sign held up here}, when you think I’ve been plotting this for weeks without giving it any major thought whatsoever other than ‘this is what I need and want to know…now fork it over’…

            The original intention was to make sure the kitchen table was cleared off …but…that hasn’t happened yet.  I brought my art table (a folding table) upstairs and put E on it yesterday to do her schoolwork (rather than on the kitchen table since she is the main source of clutter) in the hopes that she could work better if she were not surrounded but such chaos.  Alas, that’s not how it worked out.  I had meant to have the art table to my self for my own purposes after she went to bed.  Nope.  The kid is chaotic…it follows her.  The mess was so extensive …notebooks, folders, papers, crayons, markers, pencil shavings…that I decided I wasn’t touching any of it…so I retired to the living room to watch the rest of Season Two of ‘The Big Bang Theory’, which I ordered months and months ago and never got around to watching after moving from across the river, and then moving again into R’s house.

            In the middle of the shows, I got up, grabbed three National Geographics from the 70s,(I have five or six laying around just for this purpose-although I have not used them since I bought them nearly 3 years ago) and went in search of poster board.  Then I had to find the glue.  Since 95% of our stuff is as yet unpacked, those things are not quite as simple as they would seem. 

            Next, I went through all three magazines and just pulled out what appealed to me.  I have enough images left over for another dream board…and I actually think I may use the smaller images to make a monthly plan dream board a little later today, once I am done with my writing and editing and posting that I have mandated I must complete today.  This, of course, does not include housework, though it really should.  After pulling the images, I went through and trimmed all the images.  I set my poster board up across two wooden tv trays and set to work.

            I am actually very surprised by how many layers this board has.  Layers and layers upon layers.  I love that.  You can still see pieces of every single layer, but some of the overall pieces that I thought would be telling and visible are barely seeable at all.  I cut and trimmed and glued and moved things around and glued some more.  When I stepped back, this thing took my breath away.  I took the pictures while the piece was still wet.

            I had to hang it up, right then.  No letting it dry flat overnight or anything.  I removed all the other dreamboards from the wall where I keep them.  I tend to put one on top the other, not removing the old ones, simply adding the new one on top of the old.  With this one, however, the others needed to come down.  I put them in a place where their energies would still be flowing and working, but this one needed its own space, all by itself.  It had to have room to do its work and to grow and to spread.  That’s how it felt last night; that’s how it feels today. 

            When I woke up this morning and looked over at it (it’s on the wall in my bedroom), this piece took my breath away, again.  The colors alone trigger such evocative emotions in me.  I see the messages.  I get it.  Finally.  I know which way I am heading.  I even have more than a slight idea how to get there—which for me is pretty impressive.    Those colors.  Wow.  I recently pared down my wardrobe to the absolute bare minimum essentials…and these are the colors, for the most part, with which I am left.  Stunning. 

One task today that I didn’t realize I had set for myself until I was in the process of doing it was to take the picture of the dreamboard and set it as the background on my computer, so that I see it all the time, every day, not just when I am in my bedroom.  Not that I haven’t been spending more time alone in the bedroom during the day—I have.  I have set myself a little bit of a writer’s nook so I can work on my daily writing practice and my pseudo-morning pages.

            Now, I have been working on a new project, as you can see here.  It is still in the planning stages, to say the least.  I had to write a small blurb about it so I could post it in a public forum, lest I grow cold feet and shelf the project for a year or two.  This is something rather near and dear to my heart that I have pondered and thought about and wondered about and looked for from other people for a good five, six years now, if not longer.  Ok, fine.  I have to admit it.  The basics have been swimming around in my brain since the late 90s, when I ordered a Yogananda program.  The program packed away at the moment, so I can’t give you details…and of course I do not see this particular program listed on the website anymore.  I ordered mine in the 90s—it came with cassette tapes.  I saw it a few years later, offered with cds.  It was a meditation/ self-realization program.  It made a large impact on me at the time, remnants of which are still bound to my body/mind, for which I am truly honored and grateful. 

This dreamboard only solidifies my need to pursue this course that much more fully and openly.  Keep an eye out.  I wrote something this morning, during my pseudo-morning pages (I say pseudo since I program them with a certain topic every day and then basically free write…not the whole unfettered stream of consciousness thing with which Julia Cameron created the concept.)…I need to type that out and post it there today, or quite possibly tomorrow, depending on how things move around here for the rest of the day.
            This dreamboard is also actually pushing me more forward with my other creative project, seen here.  I have several entries written out and ready to be typed up…but I have been hesitant to draw or to find the photographs I know I have taken that will aid the presentation of these pieces.  It’s been so easy to just sigh and sit back and let everything overwhelm me of late…but I am trying very hard to get off my backside, get back in the saddle and really get moving again.  I have become very interested in the new goings-on at SoulFoodCafe, as some of the past journeys that have been undertaken by this group are the inspiration for my own personal journey with this blog

            Strangely enough, the main gist of what I take away from this newest dreamboard is in order to go forward you must go back…do not falter in the details (as in stop thinking you need to read and study and go through other people), but rather focus on what you know (as in what your heart and soul tell you, not your brain, nor your personal frame of reference).  Be open.  Be pure.  Remember who you are and how very infinitely strong you are.  Remember how many there are who have your back, on this side of the Veil and the other (as in friends and family still alive, and those who have passed on, the Ancestors).

            Here’s to a wonderful experience following my Path, going forwards by going backwards, which has always been my own best way.  I look forward to sharing it with you along the way.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Monday Goal-Setting (July 26)

      Monday … today started WAY too early.  My insomnia is not improving…it’s been getting worse and worse…maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s the time of year.  Maybe it has something to do w the distraught state of our house…  Hopefully, that will get better soon.

      So…what am I going to do this week?  It’s a busy week, even without any of my own stuff in it.  R has tons to do.  His dad is going into the hospital to have knee replacement surgery…there’s golf, maybe two nights.  Jazzfest, which E really really looks forward to every week.  R was too sick for us to go last week, even though he told me the kids and I should still go.  Nope.  Not while he’s sick. Plus, there is a float trip coming up this week-end too.  *sigh* so much to do …

      But, I have all this ^other^ time on my hands?  What exactly are my plans?  (If I write them down and make them public, will I not have a much better chance of actually accomplishing something??)

      N’s room…my top priority.  E has her room all to herself.  Now it’s time to pull all the not N stuff out of N’s room.  This entails moving one dresser into the basement and one dresser out of the basement.  A lovely wooden storage chest is also basement bound.  I also need to go through all his clothes…he’s a husky little thing…not to mention, we can’t find where he took off his sandals…weeks ago…we are still looking.  Hopefully, we can finally find them.
      If I were really good, I’d clean out the fish tank.  We have lots of little babies running around … even orange ones, and more spotted ones.  If I were really really good, I’d get R to sit down to hold one bun or the other and groom my rabbits…because they are in sore need of it…why I had to get angoras is beyond me.  Sure sure sure.  The whole spinning thing.  It sounded good at the time.

      Rabbit note:  I am this close to only having one rabbit…I keep telling myself it takes 2-3 months after getting your rabbit fixed for all the testosterone to leave his little system…if Simon doesn’t quit marking his territory to prove that’s his side of the cages, I think I might be having braised rabbit for dinner here soon.  Charley calmed right down after surgery.  Humper bunny Simon though is still…bonkers.  Patience, of course, is not my virtue.  But in this case, I am trying. 
      Btw…do you know how to tick a dog off?  Give your bunnies each a piece of zinger (yes, a small piece) and don’t give the dog any.  Drives the dog nuts. (dogs here are not allowed to beg, even though they try to get away w it…which is why the buns got zingers in the first place) Kids don’t much seem to mind though…maybe because I like the yellow zingers and they like the chocolate ones…

      Sand and repaint the blue dresser.  N inherited this dresser, I think from his great grandfather?  It was ugly when we got it.  It had chips and pieces knocked out.  So I repainted it…and added some texture to cover up bumps and dings on the sides…I changed the handles…and I totally did not think about it but I basically painted it the Blues team colors (which is T’s favorite sports team—and the only St Louis sports team I have anything to do with here).  Well, the paint has been …ahem…burned in several places (from incense) and the whole side panels thing is bothering me…plus, I just simply do not like it anymore.  N helped me pick out colors yesterday…I have to sand the thing down…remove all the stuff (it started out as tissue paper and kid’s school glue, then painted over—it is a pretty cool effect—I am just…tired of it) on the sides…and start over.  With claret wine and nutmeg paints…I am not sure yet which paint is going to be the focal paint and which the accent paint…but for some reason, those are the two paints we chose.  Oh, we chose those because home depot did not have much selection in the realm of red…candy apple red was not nearly where I wanted to go…but these two will do quite well.  Plus, I’d like to get this done before N comes this week-end.  He can be very *helpful* at times.  Then again, so can his sister.

      Our closet in the master bedroom is enough to make me shriek right now—so that has to be done.  Since we are STILL waiting for Mr Sandless (it’s a lovely game of phone tag, it is.  The guy, Lou?, will call R at work on R’s cel, and R cannot always grab the cel when it rings.  Lou says call me any time, here’s my office number.  I’ll be here til 5.  Here’s my cel.  Call me anytime.  R can call back within 5 minutes of Lou leaving the message, well before 5 or whatever time Lou gives—and gets voice mail at the office number and the cell number.  Isn’t that just convenient?  And I am not talking once or twice—I am talking every single time.  No matter when R calls, it’s always voice mail.  Ask me again why we will never use them again and why we will never recommend them to anyone…).  I have pretty much had it.  Our closet floor has been in disarray because we’ve been waiting for Mr Sandless to come complete their job…if you missed why, read this post….  This week, I am putting it all back together the way it ought to be.  Why?  Not only because it is driving me crazy…but because, according to Murphy’s Law, as soon as I do that, Mr Sandless should become magically available and be able to come out the very next day to actually finish out the closet the way they were supposed to that very first time.  This will also help me clear out N’s room, since we put most of our closet stuff in his room/in his closet to get it all out of the way.

      I must work more on my knitting instructor’s program…I have three swatches done…and I think one of those swatches needs to be redone…who knew ribbing would be so contrary?  My goal is to have the first four modules done by the end of the week…knock on wood.  As I continue to read forward into things, I am actually worrying about things.  Now, I am able to do colorwork (thanks to EZ’s Knitting Workshop)…I can work cables, slowly and without the intervention and/or assistance of small children—or dogs of any size)…but we’re talking intarsia, and all sorts of other really scary things that have been on my ‘going to learn one day’ list for …a long long time…I’m not going to let my own intimidation and fear get to me—I am just going to plow on through.

      Note to self: if I don’t sign up for any of the classes (yet), I do at least need to join the Knitting Guild of America…because at some point I will be taking some of the classes…not to mention, now that I am doing more reading and research, I sort of wish I had gone w them first…but this is the course I chose to do first and it is the one I am sticking with, until the end…when all else fails with me, seek more education until confidence is gain and/or restored…

      Work on unpacking all the kitchen stuff…yes, basically the first stuff that was moved over here is, not by any means the last stuff, but it’s still sitting downstairs, like most everything else…I needed to find our popcorn popper this week-end, for my darling boy {what?  Gene Simmon’s mom own that phrase or something? ;) }…and there was no way I could find it in all the mess downstairs…I did try.  There are many boxes to go through yet…not just kitchen related…

We did end up buying this terrific magazine while we were at Sam’s Club this week-end though.  The Family Handyman.  I originally picked it up for the landscaping ideas…since I have several different ideas on-going at the moment…but this issue alone had so many GOOD ideas for, say, organizing our basement, and creating tiny little nooks of cabinet space in over-looked places…before I hit page twenty it had already proven itself more than worthy of the initial investment.  Heck, this magazine ended up being better than the past 5-6 books on build your own wooden projects books we’ve gotten from the library…and it was one of those fluky little purchases I make, grab me and read me, you’ll like it—this time we really did.  Now all we have to do is start implementing these ideas and things are going to be great…

  One more thing.  I didn't do a full-moon dreamboard this week-end.  I am in the middle of yet a very large, very disconcerting shift...but I have been having some ideas for a dreamboard--I just feel the need to do something ...bigger...than just a monthly, add this to the list too.

These are my goals for the week…let’s see if I can achieve them.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Motion, Going Forward

      With all the myriad of things going on w us here right now…and my frequent complete lack of motivation to so much as get out of bed, much less do anything else…I am finally in the mood to DO something.  Except…I am notorious for getting lost…no matter what the topic.  I normally have no clue what day it is … so I tend to miss things like Talkative Tuesday, Wishcasting Wednesday, 8 Things on Thursday, because…I don’t remember them until too late.
      Heck, other than the motions in my mind, I can’t even remember to do something tangible to be Creative Every Day…with the move and the confusion thereafter, I have not worked on my daily writing practice, nor knitting, nor drawing, nor spirit dolls, nor much of anything really at all.  I have become ungrounded and veritably unhinged of late. 
      This is me, digging my way out of the huge chasm that is the rut I have planted myself in.  Perhaps this is me, the determined weed growing out from the crack in the sidewalk, or the tree slicing through to the side of the cliff…whatever you want to call it…this is me, working towards rebuilding.
      One of the things that has bothered me of late is this blog.  I’ve been doing a little tiny bit of tweaking here and there the past week or so.  Removing a few things.  Adding a few things.  Nothing major.  I am not quite ready for a major visual overhaul…but I am not ruling that out either.  First of all, all the how to promote your blog ‘stuff’ has been not floating but booming through my head—you have to post, you have to post, you have to have to have to…and I have had absolutely nothing to say…until it dawned on me…why did I start a blog in the first place?  For me.
      Yes.  I started the blog for me, myself, me personally.  It’s a place to get my ick out…and a place to get me sweet out…and everything in between.  It is a place for me to come to not only be able to interact with other people…but also just to interact with myself…and to hold myself accountable. 
      And let me mention, I do proudly display the B.W.O (blogging without obligation) badge on my blog…because I don’t want to feel obligated to write on my own personal blog when I don’t feel like it.  I don’t expect anyone to post every single day…and I know when things go sour and/or I am not in a decent mood or when life suddenly speeds up … my blog is the first thing that suffers…and for the past, oh, two months, my blogs, they have all suffered…but at least I have gotten some stuff posted, to all of them, at one point or another, these past months.
      So, this morning, I was sitting there, in my bed, with my little writing board spread across my lap, looking at the morning pages entry that I have not yet typed up and posted, thinking, wow, I need to get back on track with things here, not just the blog, but with my life.  I need to write…and when I thought that, I need to write, I had to stop and think…why?  It’s not just about seededbuzz, or my wonderful followers, or anything like that…I think perhaps spending too much time for seededbuzz and worrying about what will my followers think if I don’t or if I do write…I think that is one thing that has driven me from writing and from posting more…I have been so worried about …doing things right, or not writing too much, or not writing enough, or not saying what I want to say the way someone else can grasp it, just obeying all the ‘rules’ of blogging…that I sort of lost perspective of why I really do this.  Yes, it is nice to have readers and to have followers…but my first allegiance is to myself…and I have let that allegiance fall by the roadside of late.  Not just blogging…but my own writing, my own work… Yes, my daughter has taken up a great deal of time and energy this month…yes, the move and the unpacking has taken up a great deal more time and energy…but for the things that really matter to me, I should be able to at least make some time…and yet, I haven’t.
      Insomnia has been a boon for me the past few days…as strange as that sounds.  I have a notebook full of scrawled notes to myself…something to ground me and keep me on an even keel, something to remind me of the bounty my half-dead, sleep-deprived brain keeps vomiting up at me so that I can put things into practice…and I am working to incorporate everything I want to incorporate into my life—and to keep it there this time around.
      I read such a terrific post about how to learn to paint the other day.  It’s a terrific plan for …everything…just replace ‘paint’ with whatever subject matter you want and there you go…so I have been trying to follow those plain ten little steps…
      Now, due to my daughter’s butt-headed-ness, we have had troubles setting up a good schedule for different aspects of our homeschooling adventure.  Add into that the whole I cannot remember what day it is thing…and I decided that having my day planner was not adequate…it’s no good having everything written down…if I don’t open the thing to look at anything.  When the whole move in w R thing started, I pretty much stopped writing down the day to day stuff and only kept hold of the major stuff…like…remembering appointments and such…
      I needed something that would remind me, every day, what we should be doing that day…and not something that I need to log into…or keep up with…something that finds me where I am and bops me in the head.  I decided to set up a closed yahoo group to help keep us on track with both the homeschooling scheduling and my own personal scheduling…this way, no one forgets (unless of course yahoo has issues)…but we can make a conscious choice one way or the other about things.  I need the prodding, basically, otherwise I will get so mired in all the b/s w E, trying to get her to eat, trying to get her to do her schoolwork, trying to get her to do her chores, trying to be there for her so she knows I will help and knows I love her…I get lost…
      Add into the prompts that are delivered into my inbox every morning (at least I hope they will be, since I am starting this plan come tomorrow…although most won’t start until Monday)…and maybe I will finally re-find myself, after all the turmoil of the last eight months or so, get back into my writing full-time, get back into my art work full-time, finish off the projects I have lying in pieces all around me…and make an effort in my life once more.  Then there is also the question of this blog.
      What is the purpose of this blog now?  This is my place to keep myself accountable (knock on wood).  Hopefully, if I can pull myself up by my boot straps and urge myself into motion and push myself past all my internal and external blocks, I can post here more often to keep myself active and moving forward…
      And bless you all who come to read and commiserate and praise and complain and everything else…whether you come only once, or often…thank you, from the bottom of my heart.


     I think I am coming out of it, this daze I have been in, this malaise that has held onto me for months now.  It’s not a complete reversal.  It’s not a sudden or immediate shift.  There are changes, slow, minute, but steady.  That, for me, right now, it is enough.
     Moving is very difficult.  We’ve moved two times in six months.  Even though this last move was only a half mile between houses, it still was not an easy task.  Usually with a move, I am all energy and motion, unpacking and sorting and shifting things around.  Not this time.  It’s more of a unpack and sort this little box…and call it a day.  So many things have been going on lately, I barely manage a box a day…a box a week, maybe.  It’s more of an avoidance game at this point.  How long can I put this off?  And if I put this off, then I won’t have to do this.  If I can’t find my water colors, then I can’t paint, now can I?  If I don’t know where my pencils or my inks are, there can be no drawing.  If I cannot get to my yarn stash, there will be no knitting.  Except when I absolutely have to, like the Zombie doll I had to knit tout suite for A for her birthday recently (picture still not transferred from R’s phone—bear w us please). 
     I can run through a ton of reasons (excuses) why I am not doing things, not unpacking things, not being motivated…but why?  Honestly, why?  At least I have started to see that the whole unpacking process has taken a toll on me—there are piles of things all over the place.  I have a box in the living room that has been there all week—the last of the things that need to go back to where they were before Mr Sandless came to do their poor job of things (update there: phone tag games only…even direct call backs go straight to voicemail…NOT the way to run a business of ANY sort, eh?)  What it boils down to is a great many things…but, bottom line is: I don’t want to do it.  I am choosing not to do it.
     I am choosing not to unpack.  I am choosing not to write.  I am choosing not to draw.  I am choosing not to knit.  I am choosing to submerge myself in mystery and boredom and non-motion.  To be fair, much time has been spent staring at my daughter and trying to force her to cooperate…and researching 1 hospitals to send her to, 2 programs to submit her to, 3 hospitals, convents and temples for me to enter to get away from her and everything else in the world.  Do not think I am kidding.  As many hospitals as I have looked at for E, I have looked at probably twice as many for myself.  The child is killing me, slowly, surely, and w deadly accuracy.  I can understand stubborn.  I can understand father issues.  I can understand so many things.  But I have reached the point where I cannot deal with any of them anymore.  If it weren’t for R, I would have taken her to a hospital, signed my rights away, and quit this entire place.  R, and R alone, is what is holding this family together.  Him and nothing else.
     If anyone has any suggestions, please, tell me.  I have tried the non-violent communication route…we’ve tried the taking things away route…we’ve tried the rewards system…we’ve tried threats and bribery and begging…we have changed our behaviors, hoping that by doing so hers would change as well.  It’s the whole train the parent and the child will change…change your reactions, and the child’s reactions will change.  I can be Mother Teresa or I can be Attila the Hun—this kid ain’t budging.  She does not care if we take away every item in her room and leave her w only a pillow and blanket.  She does not care if we shower her with gifts, or attention, or love and approval.  She does not care if she is forced to stay in the house, grounded.  She does not care if she gets to go stay w friends or relatives, or play outside with friends.  She doesn’t care if she does her schoolwork, or cleans her room, or eats enough to survive, much less thrive.  We can talk to her until we are blue in the face.  I have always done my best to explain things to her.  No one ever told me squat when I was a kid—I still don’t know what went on for most of my life, because no one felt the need to put me in the loop—I feel as if I have no ties at all to anyone in my family, because no one really cares.  I have always been and continue to be a burden they all put up w now and again, simply because we share bloodlines.  I can’t spank her…although sometimes I want to so badly I can taste it.  I was a spanked and beaten child…and I can tell you…it never made any difference at all.  It was something that happened.  It started.  It would stop.  It would start again.  There was no way to avoid it.  However, I have dropped that you can’t spank the children rule where E is concerned—I can’t spank her, but R can.  He hasn’t yet, because we shouldn’t have to go that far.  But, w E, we have run out of other options.  And we’ve told her this. 
I don’t know how I failed her so badly, or where I failed her so completely, that this is where she is at now, at her age…and I don’t know how to fix things.  We can talk to her—and she says she understands—she repeats things back in her own words.  She tells other people what we are doing—so we know she gets what we are saying.  Plus, she does talk to us.  We may have to pull it out of her, which is like pulling hen’s teeth out w pliers, but she does talk to us. Her actions, however, never change, no matter what we do, no matter what or how we change.
     Some of it is genetics, I know.  Some of this does not come from me and has nothing at all to do with me.  Then again, some of it is based on the choices I made, the men I accepted and took into my life.  I have made mistakes—and I have told her I’ve made mistakes and I’ve made bad choices, but that I am trying to learn from those mistakes and move on, and make better choices, or at least to make better/different mistakes.  I’ve even thought of leaving R, which would literally kill us both, if it would help E, but it did dawn on me by leaving R, we would simply be confirming in E’s brain that no man will ever truly love her or accept her –and would set her up to make those same mistakes that I made my entire life while I tried to fill to void in my heart that yearned for my father. 
     At least she is eating again and I don’t have to stand there for three hours, saying eat eat eat eat eat…at least her weight is back to where it was pre-anoxeria/bulimia scare…at least she is no longer willing herself to vomit when she thinks she can’t eat another bite…at least she is, mostly, trying to put forth a little bit of effort where her schoolwork is concerned…not much, but a little.  Not nearly enough…but a little.  If she would work more consistently, I’d find her a Montessori school, or something, so she could be w other kids, and learn other things…but, I know from experience, just as she will sit here and not do a thing, we can take her to school and she will refuse to do anything and will sit for hours and hours and not move there either.  She’s acted that way before hwen we had her in Montessori school…she will do it again.  She’s done it in other places too.  She’s been asking us to take her to Sylvan Learning Center…but when we explained why we wouldn’t (if she won’t do the work w/for us on her own, why would she do it for a complete stranger…if I thought she’d do something for someone else, I’d take her in a heartbeat, even if I had to get a ‘regular’ job two or three ‘regular’ jobs even, in order to pay for it!), she sort of us shrugged and gave up…she never said she’d try, or she’d think about it—even though we told her if she would try, we’d do it…which is the same thing I tell her about Montessori school…if I thought she would try, if she thought she would try, I’d work my butt off to get her into a program…but she never really wants to try.  It’s the same thing I tell her about so many other things—if she’d at least try, I’d do whatever it took to get her to where she wants to be, to do whatever it is she wants to do.  I know she’s a perfectionist; I know if she can’t do it perfectly and do it right, she would prefer not to do it; I know looking bad in front of other people scares her…but she won’t even try…at home or elsewhere.
     Sigh…and that is where all my energy has gone…energy I really didn’t have to begin with anyway…that is where all my concentration has gone.  I have barely touched my knitting instructor course.  Even though I hate to knit swatches, and the beginnings of this course is all about making swatches to show off different techniques, I don’t want to touch yarn or anything else after having to deal w E all day.  I haven’t been writing all that much—as my blogs can all attest.  As can all my friends and family that I normally email weekly, if not daily, can attest.  I fight getting out of bed in the mornings, even though sleep is a battle the whole night through.  I have taken to nearly napping in the afternoons, as I’d rather not think consciously than have to fight my brain to quiet down.  I am ready for bed usually at seven in the evening, but I can’t go to bed, 1 because E usually isn’t done w her schoolwork and/or her dinner, 2 because there are places to go and things to be done, 3 because the kids need time to stay up w R, and I need time awake w R…so I fight to stay awake…and sometimes it works…other times, I fight to stay awake so long that once the battle is done, I can’t get to sleep to save my life…which is when I read 4 books in 2 days like the past couple days here.
     But, along with reading these books, I have also been busy otherwise.  I have a new synopsis ready to flesh out.  I have coursework to design…not for E…but for classes I plan to teach on down the line.  The thing is, these are classes I have had in the back of my head for more than five years now.  Now I am ready to really get into the development of them.  I am writing, working with my daily writing practice, and a different form of morning pages…I have many entries and articles that I should have written in the past few months that I did not make time for…so my morning pages work is catching up on those articles, rather than whatever floats through my brain…basically because there is nothing in my brain that I can access.  I have been fighting E for so long now, fighting for her, against her and with her, that if I stop and stare out into space there is nothing, not even a low hum—I can’t do that in meditation or even after an hour’s worth of uninterrupted Yoga—but that girl has managed to do it—except that this is not the peaceful quiet of a monkey mind tamed and subdued—this is the drooling viscera leftover after the monkey mind has raped and pillaged the world and has become one with the putrefying carnage…this is not empty and devoid of thought…this is that blank brick wall and I have run into it so often that I am now a part of it…but I have not given up…I am slowly struggling to reach out and grab hold of something, just for me, so that I am not my daughter’s keeper and the tyrant who does nothing but crack the whip…my home is a battlefield and is full of chaos due to the lack of unpacking, the lack of organization going on…I have no clue how to conquer any of that…because every time I want to try, there is a road block.  But at least I am trying.  At least I am working towards…something…even if I don’t know what it is.
     Thanks for listening.