With all the myriad of things going on w us here right now…and my frequent complete lack of motivation to so much as get out of bed, much less do anything else…I am finally in the mood to DO something. Except…I am notorious for getting lost…no matter what the topic. I normally have no clue what day it is … so I tend to miss things like Talkative Tuesday, Wishcasting Wednesday, 8 Things on Thursday, because…I don’t remember them until too late.
Heck, other than the motions in my mind, I can’t even remember to do something tangible to be Creative Every Day…with the move and the confusion thereafter, I have not worked on my daily writing practice, nor knitting, nor drawing, nor spirit dolls, nor much of anything really at all. I have become ungrounded and veritably unhinged of late.
This is me, digging my way out of the huge chasm that is the rut I have planted myself in. Perhaps this is me, the determined weed growing out from the crack in the sidewalk, or the tree slicing through to the side of the cliff…whatever you want to call it…this is me, working towards rebuilding.
One of the things that has bothered me of late is this blog. I’ve been doing a little tiny bit of tweaking here and there the past week or so. Removing a few things. Adding a few things. Nothing major. I am not quite ready for a major visual overhaul…but I am not ruling that out either. First of all, all the how to promote your blog ‘stuff’ has been not floating but booming through my head—you have to post, you have to post, you have to have to have to…and I have had absolutely nothing to say…until it dawned on me…why did I start a blog in the first place? For me.
Yes. I started the blog for me, myself, me personally. It’s a place to get my ick out…and a place to get me sweet out…and everything in between. It is a place for me to come to not only be able to interact with other people…but also just to interact with myself…and to hold myself accountable.
And let me mention, I do proudly display the B.W.O (blogging without obligation) badge on my blog…because I don’t want to feel obligated to write on my own personal blog when I don’t feel like it. I don’t expect anyone to post every single day…and I know when things go sour and/or I am not in a decent mood or when life suddenly speeds up … my blog is the first thing that suffers…and for the past, oh, two months, my blogs, they have all suffered…but at least I have gotten some stuff posted, to all of them, at one point or another, these past months.
So, this morning, I was sitting there, in my bed, with my little writing board spread across my lap, looking at the morning pages entry that I have not yet typed up and posted, thinking, wow, I need to get back on track with things here, not just the blog, but with my life. I need to write…and when I thought that, I need to write, I had to stop and think…why? It’s not just about seededbuzz, or my wonderful followers, or anything like that…I think perhaps spending too much time for seededbuzz and worrying about what will my followers think if I don’t or if I do write…I think that is one thing that has driven me from writing and from posting more…I have been so worried about …doing things right, or not writing too much, or not writing enough, or not saying what I want to say the way someone else can grasp it, just obeying all the ‘rules’ of blogging…that I sort of lost perspective of why I really do this. Yes, it is nice to have readers and to have followers…but my first allegiance is to myself…and I have let that allegiance fall by the roadside of late. Not just blogging…but my own writing, my own work… Yes, my daughter has taken up a great deal of time and energy this month…yes, the move and the unpacking has taken up a great deal more time and energy…but for the things that really matter to me, I should be able to at least make some time…and yet, I haven’t.
Insomnia has been a boon for me the past few days…as strange as that sounds. I have a notebook full of scrawled notes to myself…something to ground me and keep me on an even keel, something to remind me of the bounty my half-dead, sleep-deprived brain keeps vomiting up at me so that I can put things into practice…and I am working to incorporate everything I want to incorporate into my life—and to keep it there this time around.
I read such a terrific post about how to learn to paint the other day. It’s a terrific plan for …everything…just replace ‘paint’ with whatever subject matter you want and there you go…so I have been trying to follow those plain ten little steps…
Now, due to my daughter’s butt-headed-ness, we have had troubles setting up a good schedule for different aspects of our homeschooling adventure. Add into that the whole I cannot remember what day it is thing…and I decided that having my day planner was not adequate…it’s no good having everything written down…if I don’t open the thing to look at anything. When the whole move in w R thing started, I pretty much stopped writing down the day to day stuff and only kept hold of the major stuff…like…remembering appointments and such…
I needed something that would remind me, every day, what we should be doing that day…and not something that I need to log into…or keep up with…something that finds me where I am and bops me in the head. I decided to set up a closed yahoo group to help keep us on track with both the homeschooling scheduling and my own personal scheduling…this way, no one forgets (unless of course yahoo has issues)…but we can make a conscious choice one way or the other about things. I need the prodding, basically, otherwise I will get so mired in all the b/s w E, trying to get her to eat, trying to get her to do her schoolwork, trying to get her to do her chores, trying to be there for her so she knows I will help and knows I love her…I get lost…
Add into the prompts that are delivered into my inbox every morning (at least I hope they will be, since I am starting this plan come tomorrow…although most won’t start until Monday)…and maybe I will finally re-find myself, after all the turmoil of the last eight months or so, get back into my writing full-time, get back into my art work full-time, finish off the projects I have lying in pieces all around me…and make an effort in my life once more. Then there is also the question of this blog.
What is the purpose of this blog now? This is my place to keep myself accountable (knock on wood). Hopefully, if I can pull myself up by my boot straps and urge myself into motion and push myself past all my internal and external blocks, I can post here more often to keep myself active and moving forward…
And bless you all who come to read and commiserate and praise and complain and everything else…whether you come only once, or often…thank you, from the bottom of my heart.