Ever since I saw Jamie’s New Moon post, I have been wrangling various things round and round in my mind. Everything that is important to me. How I want to arrange all those things. The whole nine there. Above and beyond, my family is my main priority…the love of my life, R, plus my children. Ok, fine, and the dogs fall in that range as well…from the gimpy Old Man to the Spastic Dumbdumb…and the empathic shepherd in between…sigh…
ANYWAY! I think I have a handle—or at least the semblance of a handle—on the whole work arena thing here…knowing that R has my back no matter what I do is an amazing thing in and of itself as well…but still…I am not one to rest forever upon my laurels here…really…I may be slow at times…but I don’t give up on the important things…not unless I have no other choice…
R and I had a very long, very dramatic (because I am an idiot and have to let things go until there is no other option in cases like these) discussion this morning. He and I are solid. I don’t think the end of the world, nor a nuclear disaster nor a flying toilet seat could separate us at this point…sometimes Destiny works. He and I were destined to be together from the start, from our first meeting 9-10 years ago. Anything that happened in between to either of us was just grist for our mills, so we would be better people once he and I got together, better for one another.
As much as I dislike the drama, despite being the cause of it all today, I like when he and I have these deeply involved talks. We end up not only getting so much out in the open between us, but we wind up learning so much about one another, even as we find out more about ourselves as a couple, as we solidify our stake in one another that much more firmly…
This morning made us both think—all the time we wasted w the other people in our lives…all the effort we put into relationships that never meant half of what this relationship means to us…that is really what sucks. All the time and energy and pain—for people we never saw ourselves having a future w anyway…for people that we didn’t care about then the way we care about one another now…it’s shocking…
Looking at the marriage in my past…I am ashamed to admit that I once declared that man to be the ‘love of my life’…even knowing that one particular relationship before that was much stronger emotionally and physically…I literally sold my soul for that man, or much rather, I gave my soul away free of charge, at his behest…and spent the next 10+ years in Hell, forcing myself to believe that I loved this man more than the thing I had given away, even though that was utterly impossible…it was never the cheating that bothered me w him—I’m not that kind—especially when I literally shut down completely, physically and mentally, for several years, like I did then—it might not have been quite so long if I hadn’t worked as a telephone operator for a soul-sucking company either—but hey—water under the bridge—and yes, that company is the BIG reason why I will never work a corporate job ever again…it was all the lies the man told. He’d lay in bed w one …wh*re or another…have them call me while he was there, tell them what to say…then come home and fawn all over me, tell me how he couldn’t live without me, ply me w gifts, beg me to stay home from a job he made me keep so we could go out together as a couple to work on things—the job, I kept again at his behest—which is not quite the same thing as forcing—it’s the passive aggressive form of forcing—that with all the benefits and the salary, where would we go to find me a better job that would pay as well, or offer so many benefits, or vacation time or blah blah blah—I should have told him to bite me and worked at McDonald’s or whatever and actually gone to school—instead of letting him talk me out of it all the time—for years on end. But—that was then. This is now.
Here I am now with this most incredible man. A man who puts up w me even in my worst moods. A man who actually gets me and understands me. A man who has seen me through far worse circumstances—who has seen me at my worst—and then some. And the one who has never turned his back on me, not from the moment he met me, not for any reason. This is the man who gave me a yellow flower the Mother’s day I was pregnant w E. This is the man who not only baby-sat my daughter while I attended massage therapy school—this is the man who babysat the biological donor when I was pregnant and I went to WV to visit family…Oh, let us not speak of the biological donor…I’ve had enough of that for the week already…and it was only spoken of for all of 20 seconds via email the other day too—already the tedium of that lies heavily upon me…
I know I have said all these things about R before…but bear w me…I wrestled w my Inadequacy Daemons last night—while being wedged in between R and N—R who wanted to be close but still tried to give me my space, which was worse because I needed physical space but wanted to be inside his skin for the sake of being comforted—N who was clutchier and clingier than I have seen him in a long long LONG time…and Kendall shoving herself up against my feet until R would stretch and brush up against her or kick her or whatever, depending on where she was, and she would get off the bed for a bit…and then she’d jump up again and do it all over…I didn’t get much sleep at all last night—I slept more after N woke up this morning—and woke R up by picking on him—between 8 and 8:30a—than I did most of the night—and that was before R and I had our talk too…so…talk about *not* fun now that the tiredness has had more time to set in…I agreed to take the kids up the road to McDonald’s for lunch—just so I could get some strong coffee and use of the brisk icy sharp air as it blew by. Neither of which really helped all that much either…
R and I met in 2000. The ex husband and he worked together. T and I had moved to St Louis in Nov, 99. He told me we needed a couple to go out w to do couples things w—-I was fine w that. R and I had a weird connection the entire time. It wasn’t talked about then in anyway. I don’t really remember when it was first discussed. I don’t really remember how we started to hang out…or how we got involved in the same group…all I know was I was in a bad space, w a husband who had told me that moving to St Louis was a brand new beginning for our relationship—while his actions dictated otherwise…I left him…because, as his past proves out, he is incapable of leaving the woman he is w, no matter how unhappy he is or anything else. Every time I left him, he would find a reason to come back. Dude, most of the reason I let someone else pick the guy I slept w then was because—I didn’t know how to make decisions myself anymore and I surely didn’t want another T on my hands…why I got pregnant was partially to stop T from coming back—but it didn’t stop him. I must have left him, literally moved in and moved out, 3, 4 times before it was all over. It was so bizarre at one point R had to threaten to kick my butt if I moved back in w T one more time…
R took care of me while I was pregnant. We carpooled together—as in, he came to pick me up, drove us to the metro station, rode w me the whole way and talked w me the whole way. He would walk me to work. He would come camp out at my office once his day was done since I worked later than he did. We went to lunch darn near every day. He never hit on me, not even a little, ever. I cannot say that of any other man in my life.
He busted his a** to help me find an apartment of my own—and to get me into said apartment, during the divorce. More than once too—before E arrived—and after too…Funny things now—like he and I had the same divorce attorney—because I recommended ours to him. He took care of E while I was in massage school. E and I have lived w him, more than once. And he never asked for a thing either. This is the man who rubbed my back when I was frustrated trying to memorize bones and muscle insertions and origins and everything else for massage school…this is the man who took us back in after the whole c*ck-up w T (the other T) and I was pregnant w N…and still he didn’t ask for a thing from us…I gave birth in his house…he was the first person after the midwife and doula –well, other than E and me- that N saw in his whole life…R has always always been there for the kids in some capacity. He tried every year to remember E’s birthday—up until I, like, moved to the other side of the world—ok, fine—just the other side of the country—and that was no longer possible—but we stayed in contact…and he had to deal w T’s really bizarre then-girlfriend as well—which still kinda creeps me out all over—but that ended pretty quick—as predicted…
Again w the ANYWAY!!
R and I have been through some very weird and wonderful stuff together. A sweat lodge at a pagan camping event…but the camping part was fun too—and that’s where R picked up his delicious nickname (BA—just ask—I won’t post it here though). We’ve been through all sorts of training for…alternative things…we went through UFT training…which I dragged him to the first time and didn’t need much begging to get him to after that…he was my best test subject while I was in massage school…I baby-sat his then-girlfriend – this is bag of hammers – the one who ‘pushed’ my dragon oracle cards so hard they could literally never be used again…not after years of cleansing, clearing and being packed away in salt and everything else…now I use R’s dragon deck…he bought his deck after playing w mine because he liked the feel…
R is the man I have trusted implicitly from the get go…more than I ever was able to trust the ex-hub throughout all our time together…this is the man whose friendship means the world to me, whose word and opinion mean everything to me, whose friendship I knew would always be there no matter what…this was my one real True Friend…the one to whom I could and did—and still do-- confess everything, at any given time. This is the man who would sit and down a bottle (or more) of tequila w me…and then go to bed after making sure I was safe for the night…and never lift a finger to touch me otherwise…this is the man the entire world swore up and down I was sleeping w –before either of our divorces…and all through the intervening years since (for the record—everyone was wrong about that—we never did, not until we started seeing each other this past year)…this is the man I have from the beginning considered my twin, my brother…this is the one man I would never hit on for real because our friendship was far more important to me than anything else…and I would never consider jeopardizing that … in fact, when R and I started sleeping together, and technically that deal still stands right now, if ever things get bad and the relationship dissolves—we will always remain friends—we will just have more stuff to pick on each other about…but we won’t let anything interrupt the friendship.
This morning, my world rocked, and not in a good way either. It has before…when I look at the ex-hub and think, this is the man I thought I loved with all my heart, before I gave my soul away. That was the man I thought of as my sun and my moon. I loved him so much I gave up the only thing that meant anything to me and I destroyed myself for him. I did love him that much, didn’t I? I nearly died, more than once…from sorrow, from pain, from whatever I could swallow…because of him…and I thought that was love. It was not love. I was a complete idiot. Even before the soul selling incident. I was a complete idiot.
What I felt for the ex-hub is nowhere near the realm of what I feel for R. I have always loved R—but as a brother, as a friend. Once he came to me, and we allowed those barriers to drop away, there was a well-spring waiting there, w his name written all over it. This is the kind of emotion that could cause one to wait 100 years, pining for your love to return, strong in your faith that he would return. This is the intense emotion that fells empires, and lasts throughout the ages. This is the sort of love that makes Isis and Osiris look like amateurs in the spectrum of Love (please, no offense meant there, Lady and Sire, honest).
This is the kind of love where my heart may explode at any time just by looking at the man, knowing he isn’t going anywhere, no matter how nuts I am. We are both so injured, so wary…and we’ve watched each other grow that way over the years, so we both understand the other and how the other reached that position…but we are completely willing to work with one another and work through any thing that may come up between us …no matter how nuts either of us is…there is a real sense of security and happiness—and real genuine happiness—not the glossed over I’m trying to be happy fake stuff he and I are so used to w former partners—in this relationship.
He says the same thing I do. He has never before been able to see himself w any of the exs long-term, as in, into the twilight years of life, growing old together, happy throughout the time together, for the most part. He has always seen that possibility w me. Ditto on the exs on my side…I always knew the ex-hub would die and I would be free to finally start living my own life—scary how very like my mother that sounds…but it’s true—for me and for her. I always knew N’s dad and I would only be together a few years for the sake of the kids—although things would have been so much better if he had ever been able to open his mouth or be honest—but again—water under the bridge…oh, E’s biological donor? During a session w the …whatever you call her…the Guides put it best—and I paraphrase—he doesn’t have a year…and I was always ok w that…
I am the only woman R has ever been w that he can actually see himself having children w – he’s never seen that before w anyone he’s dated. It’s kinda obvious I’m not so…committed to the biological donors of my children…not the past ones anyway…R stands as the exception to all my rules…he’s earned that in my book, a billion times over…for all the little things he does, much less the big ones…
In my life, I have been pregnant four times. Only one miscarriage. I gave every man the same choices each time…only one man stood beside me –and also told me to stop baiting him or else…and he was there for me through three of those pregnancies—only one of which was his, the only one that ended in miscarriage. He is also the man who holds me now when I do nothing but bawl my eyes out over that miscarriage too. Over the miscarriage and over the first pregnancy that happened years before I even met him. R will not leave me. No matter what happens. There really is nothing that can happen, that either of us is willing to do to cause it, that will ever destroy what we have. A few people have said we are obviously the til death do we part types…this is true—and I don’t really believe death has the power to separate us either…we’ve been together for so many lifetimes, in one capacity or the other, as it is anyway…
Neither of us has to worry about a rebound relationship scenario…neither of us operate that way anyway, E’s biological donor notwithstanding…We don’t have to worry about either of us cheating, because neither of us is like that. Yes, I understand I have said it many a time—I don’t care if my partner cheats—I care if he lies—but that doesn’t mean I’d cheat—I never have—then again, if I were seeing someone I always told him when I was seeing someone else too—that’s just me…I was legally separated before I did anything before that divorce was final—even though I knew the ex-hub, he’d slept w the entire female population of Ft Smith and then some…There are no lies between us, R and me—and worse—neither of us could lie to the other anyway—we’ve been together too bloody long as friends—we know each other too well…there is nothing we cannot share…nothing we cannot overcome…nothing we cannot get through together…we know that…we’ve discussed it…and it is all good.
I am blessed. R and I are blessed. As I told R this morning, ever since we met, he has been the best thing that has ever happened to me … and I meant it too…I mean it every day…every time I look at him…every time we kiss or hold hands or walk down the street together…and at least now he can honestly say the same thing about me…maybe not from the very start of the relationship—but at least now…I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.
I make him happy. He makes me happy. Neither of us has ever actually had that before—that just complete sense of happiness, and from such small every day things too. Sitting together. Hanging out in the kitchen. Snuggling side by side, nestled together in bed, reading before we turn the lights out.
Not to mention, my kids love him. He loves them—even if he isn’t always sure what to do w or about them—for the record, neither am I, but still…
I love the man. Hands down. Period. It is a feeling more than reciprocated. Without expectation of anything but our dedication to that love too. No rules. No agendas. Nothing like that. Just, loving one another, the best way we know how…
The New Moon investigations, as I shall now name them, only lead me back into how much I love the man, how lucky I am to have him, how very blessed I am…and how good things are now…as they grow to be even bigger, better and more vibrant between us w every day that passes…I can ask for nothing more. Lest my scarred and battered heart explode from the joy…
And, of course, today, we bought a vehicle too. Nope. Not ‘my’ vehicle. A 2006 Nissan Pathfinder. What that means is next week—we’re going to get the stuff for the kids’ rooms—and then maybe even a new kitchen table—so I can keep this table I am currently sitting at for my work –and my paperwork and all sorts of other stuff strewn across--and have the kitchen table—for eating on…
Too bad I can’t drive a stick—or else I’d have the Saturn while R is in CO in February—he’s taking the pathfinder…and w that, it’s time to rustle up the small people and bundle them up for the walk home to R’s for the night…until next time…
Peace…
