The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Friday, May 21, 2010

Discoveries--And The Path That Got Me There

                    yep, it's my picture...all rights reserved

I now own my own copy of Dragon Naturally Speaking 10.  I played w it a bit, trained it up a bit.  Bless R’s heart, he fixed the reverberation issue w the headset the evening it came in.
 Can you imagine it?  Being able to ‘write’ and to knit at the same time?  If I could manage to write, read and knit at the same time…I’d be in heaven.  Alas, I’m lucky to be able to knit and talk at the same time—add in any sort of conversation and I am doomed.  Not to mention, the headset would pick up the other conversation and DNS would attempt to translate it as my speech.
R has some qualms about DNS being faster than my typing…I still type over 90 wpm—and I’m faster when I am on a roll.  However, I found the difference…when I am talking, using my ‘best newscaster voice’(yes, I do have one), my inner editor drops out of the picture…the only editor present is the one trying to make sure that DNS is keeping up on its side of the conversation.  Everything else says after the speaking, after the computer translation, editing is inevitable, so just go w the flow…
I randomly do morning pages.  I know—it should be an every day occurrence, but, I do it more when I am stuck, when I am sticking.  The things that bother me are things I would never want R to see.  I usually get up w him in the mornings…well, not this past week…the weather alone has been taking too much out of me—but I am awake w him in the mornings, even if I don’t get out of bed.  I won’t write my morning pages while he’s here.  I’m more focused on him … if I started my morning pages while he was still here, I would want to finish them before I moved.  Then I miss talking to him and showering w him—that would be bad. It is those simple little things that I dearly love and that keep us close.  This also means that first thing in the morning before the mind has a chance to clear aspect is gone for me anyway.
I sat down the day after I got DNS and I talked my way through my morning pages.  It was slow…I could have written it by hand, which is one reason I love my iogear mobile digital scribe and been …more slow, more careful, and still have been aware of the whole need to edit afterward.  But—DNS is far faster than my writing by hand—somewhere in the right realm of time, adding in the inner editor that is omni-present when my fingers hit the keyboard—and … so many things that I already knew, but hadn’t really had enough …faith?  Fortitude?  Foresight?  To voice -- I mean to really voice, to really take notice of…came up—came up and came out…
R told me last night it was the first time he’d seen me bubbly in awhile.  I was sort of hurt by this—not because he said it—but because it is true.  I’ve been depressed and worried and off my rocker lately.
I took thirty, maybe forty minutes, and I dictated.  Not yesterday, but the day before.  Then I offered up my little prayer…and things began to fall into place.
The Universe does answer your prayers.  The Universe truly does reach out to show you the way.  You can call it God, or Goddess, or Great Spirit, or Creator, or the Great Unknown, or the Universe…or whatever you want to call it.  It is all the same thing in the end.  If you let go of yourself and listen to the Universe…amazing things can and will happen.
How long have I spent asking, what do I do now, how do I get where I want to go, how to I manage this, how do I accomplish this?
Every time I get stuck in a big way, the Universe helps me out.  Not always in ways I would like, but in ways that affect the changes that need to be made.  A truck hits an icy spot and flips over—w my daughter and me inside it.  Not that R and I were not already discussing the way things might go between us at that point—but without all the help he gave us at that time…I would never have made it.  Plus, we would never have been together.  Nearly dying is a miracle…one I would never ask for, but one that started the ripple in the grand pond and brought some amazing things to the forefront. 
If the old house had not been broken into, I would not have moved so quickly.  R would not have taken that first step and gotten into real
estate investment as quickly as he did.  It broke through many barriers that both R and I had and pushed us forward, as a couple, as a company, as friends. 
      Though he won’t admit it, I am seeing some amazing changes in E from spending so much time w R.  She’s gaining weight, in a good way.  Now, she’s always been thin and tiny and delicate…I can see her putting on weight so I am not able to count every vertebrae in her back when she leans over anymore.  I see her more relaxed, happier—more neurotic about wanting to make sure she is loved and wanted.  She is getting more out of the discussions she and R have about how much she is loved, if she is actually loved—even if those discussions have R and me at the end of our ropes (the girl knows how to push buttons—she will start by saying I have hated her since her brother was born, that I love N more and I love him better, blah blah blah.  I caught her—she sucks up and gets the attention and the petting more after one of these discussions.  If we can give her that attention now—she’s not going to end up like me, always searching for approval from not just some guy, but from others…if I weren’t seeking approval of a High Priestess, I would not have gotten involved w the biological donor in question…if I can heal my own wounds, heal her wounds in the process, we can save her so much pain when she’s older…)
      Ok—back to the program at hand here…the Universe has been hinting, those soft gentle nudges that tend to be ignored in the grand scheme of things…until they become the boot to the head that gets my attention.  My dictated morning pages gave me some really astounding insights.  Even when I tried to back away from them, I found myself circling back and repeating the same message, over and over…in different words, in different manners, but always leading to the same thing…and strangely enough, none of it was unknown to me…I had simply not taken the steps necessary to follow through.
      In my role as Priest (I so dislike the term ‘minister’, sorry, it brings up too much of my own stuff), I find myself doing a lot of creative counseling along w my spiritual counseling…Hey, if you are depressed and unsure of yourself and/or where you want to go/what you want to do—dreamboards and SoulCollage cards ® and any other number of collage work helps loosen the detritus in the brain and set it free, so you can see it and touch it and name it—and follow it.  I have become so instrumental of late to certain people…and I am struck by a sense of jealousy at times…that I can encourage other people who put in the effort and make the changes and get the results—while I feel stuck and uncertain…
      But, I keep returning to my roots, the gentle pressure from Above encouraging me to, ya know, take my own advice now and then.  Cindy Rushton has been a huge influence on me since I first discovered her ages ago (2005? Maybe) in one homeschooling circle or another.  It was because of her I grew more certain about homeschooling my children.  It was because of her I repaired my relationship w Christ (not his followers—just the man himself).  It’s because of her I actually own a bible and I actually read it.  I cannot find a good transliteration of the bible—not a translation—I am still holding on to that desire from my childhood to want to become one of the Jesuit priests who works on translating the remaining books of the bible…I want a transliteration—not someone’s interpretation, which is what a translation is.  Remember, I am the girl who compared the KJV and the NIV versions of the bible together side by side one summer just to prove a point.  I have a good side by side transliteration of the Koran.  I am still looking for a good, unedited copy of the Talmud (if anyone has any recommendations)—everything I find for the Talmud is pieces, edited or …not what I want.  Judaism is the only religion I ever genuinely contemplated converting to…but now, the tattooed lady cannot do so…as tattoos are frowned upon in the Jewish faith—and I am ok w that.  I do not study one religion; I study them all.  Christians are not the only ‘followers’ I prefer not to …join…but I love Cindy Rushton.  I love her voice.  I love her faith.  I love her energy. Lately, I have taken to listening to her previous podcasts on BTR:The Writer’s Radio Show.  There’s nothing that current—but I downloaded all the previous podcasts that I could and I listen to them every chance I get.  I am loving that.  I get so much out of listening to her.  Even though I do get the strangest looks from the people who love me when I curl up on the couch to read Deuteronomy these past few days.
      I am working, in my slow roundabout way, towards goals that have been my goals for so long.  I am taking concrete steps toward things now.  Not just listening to the writer’s radio show…podcasts have become a big fascination of late…knitting podcasts and crafty podcasts and, this past week, the writing podcasts…
      I am in the process of signing up to take a certification class via the Craft Yarn Council…for knitting.  I am not sure my crochet is good enough to go that route at the moment…although I’ve been thinking of taking the crochet course to improve my crochet work.  This is more like one step towards my certification as a teacher as well…at least I am w a man who will support me, whatever training I wish to do and wherever that training takes me…but at least I am actively seeking information on study programs along those lines again…wow…I also didn’t realize I need to do some more research.  I was thinking full time classes and I am discovering I can go for a week here and a couple weeks there…
      I also finally took the plunge, thanks to a needle felting kit I bought at one trip to the Myers House, when we went through Helen’s Hen House.  We go through because we love the felted fabric and the roving on the wall…as well as the patterns for sale (Amy Butler anyone?) and the fabrics…plus the sewing/quilting tools they have.  The needle felting kit was a fluke…and one of those small gentle nudges I get from the Universe.  Now, this kit has sat on top my fridge for weeks and weeks now…I opened it last night and discovered we need a few more things in order to properly make anything out of it…so I went online and looked…I not only ended up buying the little foam mat that goes under the felting, but a needle punch thing…a wet felting doll
kit, and a Waldorf Doll kit… Weir Dolls is an amazing store and is a place I have long watched w glee…I love them.  This is the first time I actually completed an order w them though.
      Long have I had the books on how to make a Waldorf doll…I have just never done it.  I have also never sat down and learned properly how to make a doll wig…now I am ordering the kit…and am planning to do every bit of it by hand…and that will be my first real step into becoming a professional doll maker.  Not just my spirit dolls…but actual dolls for kids.  Or grown-ups in need of a larger, more spiritual doll. 
      It is all about actually taking the steps to move forward, to move towards my goals. 
      I also pulled the books I was working w before the break-in at the old house happened.  I completely stopped drawing after that.  I am getting back into it again.  Full force.  I have been taking pictures for weeks now…it’s time to press on again.
      So, again I am the student, studying the path of life before me.  And I am glad of these things. 
      All DNS did for me was bring it to the forefront, the forebrain, where I could no longer ignore the calling within my own heart.