Closing

Delay on the house closing.

Not a deal breaker. At all.

Just a delay.

More to come.

Just A Heads Up

As you can see, I haven't been around here much for the past couple weeks.

Nano is a great excuse. (52173)
Thank goodness I finished it...there is so much re-writing and editing to do there...but that won't happen until after this move is all over.

We are closing Monday morning at 10a.

Then we do a couple small repairs to please the city--and we go from there.

The POD is not even halfway full.
My current plan at the moment is to fill the thing--then hire someone to pack everything else and move it all...

I may be putting a good and happy spin on things, but I am not overall happy about being here in this house any more. I cannot and I will not stay here. I will not allow my children to stay--or my dog.

There's a lot of things going on.
I am not really able to knit--or read much--or write--or much of anything else useful at the moment.

So, my apologies for the scant and thready details.
Keep us in your prayers.

Be back very soon...don't give up hope....

Giving Thanks and Then Some

This past week I have had a great deal of time to look at things from so many different angles.

I am a very lucky woman, on so many levels.  My family is very lucky.  We are all so blessed. 

Some kids broke into our house this past Sunday.  They didn’t get very much.  They took food—which I keep laughing about, because it is so very stupid ….  These kids decided to screw up their lives to steal food. 

This is not the first house that has been broken into the past few months.  The same ring leaders.  The mother of the one kid who was involved in this break in told me that these are the kids who broke into her house in August. 

This really is a very good neighborhood, despite the two kids who are the ring leaders/bad seed.  Two parents, representing three of the six kids, have come to me to talk to me about how bad things are, how mortified the parents are, how the kids will be making things up to me, apologizing to me, everything.  The one kid has apologized via his mother.

Things could have been so much worse, so radically worse.  The only things important to me were not anywhere near the house.  The dog was at R’s house.  The kids were w us.  Everything else, well, none of it really matters, now, does it?  I have plenty of money to pay someone to pack things up and move everything.

I am not upset by this.  I am upset by the time limits and the space limits that are currently holding me back.  They too are temporary. 

Let me see.  Let me get the vandalism/theft. Get this out of my system.

The two ring leaders live a few houses down.  Normally, I am gone from my house one day a week.  Sundays.  To drop my son off at his dad’s, after we take him out to eat, and sometimes to play.  Now and then, to shop. 

We came back to my house on Fri evening, to get clothes/etc from my house to take top R’s.  E and I had been at R’s since Wed night.  T dropped N off at R’s house on Fri afternoon.  Hence the trip to my house that evening, for cheesy poofs and movies and whatever else.  Everything was fine in the house then.

Sunday between 2 and 230p, one of our other neighbors saw the kids break in to our house—by manhandling the big window a/c unit out of the window, which took MASSIVE effort, considering how well R put the darn thing in. 

Number one: if the landlord had put in the central air unit the way he promised to before we moved in—this would not have happened.  I simply want to point this out.

Number two: the window unit in the kitchen is huge—we decided to leave it in the window over the winter mostly because we had no place to put it…even the little unit is still sitting in the den because there is nowhere else to put it—other than the attic—and there is no way I would manhandle those things up there. 

There was damage --- there is a lot of food missing.  They drank about 2 gallons of fruit juice while they were here.  The ransacked and went through the deep freeze.  They took E’s ramen noodles (which the mom I talked to about her son actually replaced for E last night—we are praying that this boy, who has never been in trouble before and who has his whole life in front of him, really learns his lesson—and I believe, after talking to his mother, that this is one kid who will go on to much better things….)  and N’s cheesy poofs (there were 4 bags, only 2 went to R’s house)….

There are minor things missing…a lot of pocket change…but anything right out in the open is still sitting there…they missed my engagement, wedding and anniversary ring—because they were too busy tossing my underwear all over the house…which is just hilarious.

Now.  Lingerie is my fetish.  It is the one way I always use to make me feel like a girl, not just a mom.  Even before R, I maintained my collection—although due to the fact he likes it too, my collection has expanded these past few months….  All my wicked weasel stuff is still here and still intact.

The only real damage done to anything was accidental.  They threw everything to the floor—and stuff got stepped on.  So I need to replace some knitting needles—and I need a trip a Catholic supply store to replace some figurines…

I have to laugh though.  I have thousands of dollars worth of stuff in this house…I have a pair of knitting needles that are $50 brand new here….one pair….BUT if you are a punk kid looking to score fast cash…I have the tv, and I have computers which aren’t that new or updated—and lots and lots of kids dvds….

My jewelry may get you something…but it’s easily traceable…and none of it means my life would be over—except for one very simple silver ring I will barely take off when I ought to, like cooking or cleaning or something.  And that ring is not an expensive thing either…not worth stealing…and since I know where it came from I can replace it easily.  This ring is important, because R wears one just like it…I bought them, for us.  Made in Ireland…they say basically translated, ‘soul mate’ in Gaelic…

No one would want to steal that ring.  It’s not the whole wow can I get money for that kind of thing.

I don’t have anything in this house that a thief would want.  My stuff is books—yarn—more books—hooks—knitting needles—more books….and whatever the kids have here—which can be toys and books…not electronic things—there is no ninetendo here—no gameboy—no game system—no games whatsoever….

I have to laugh.  It’s so sad.  I always figured someone would come in, swipe the tv and the dvds and that would be it.  There is nothing else in this house of interest to anyone else but me.  I have a thing for my kitchen and cooking…I knit and crochet and sew…we read here…we write here….we homeschool so we have massive books—and we have massive educational dvds.  These had to be the most disappointed thieves ever.  Food was the only other thing in this house that is worth stealing.

The one music cd I had in my computer hard drive was purposefully broken (Gwen Stefani—already uploaded it to itunes too)—all I could think of was how very ticked they had to be to realize I honestly seriously do not have anything worth anything to a thief looking to score quick bucks. 

And these were kids.  I am not sure how old the oldest ones were—the other parent who came to talk to me is the father of one and the grandfather of another…so I will leave that up to you to decide….can you imagine walking into a house full of dvds for the kids…no cash anywhere (not that they found, other than spare change) … no jewelry…no cds (they were checked out and found lacking apparently since they went through a cd album I have had since before my divorce)—full of books and yarns and kids stuff… I didn’t even have soda in the house—because I rarely if ever have any…I do now because root beer tends to help settle my stomach…and my stomach has been bugging me a lot since Sunday.

But still….they came in…wrecked the place…ate a bunch and took food and a few small not really important things…and then were all caught.  Neighbor saw them go in and called the cops.  Cops get here in five minutes or less.  Cops told us the kids were in here for about 20-30 mins (they had to wait til they came out to catch them)—neighbor watched them go in—cops watched them go out—all of them were caught.

Mom from last night told me they were all in juvie for 28 days, unless the parents could prove that otherwise the kids were good kids.  The ring leaders—their mom doesn’t care one way or another.  They aren’t out.  The one boy got out last night.  Him I pray for—him and the son/grandson team too.  I don’t know the one remaining kid I know nothing about.  The apparent ring leaders are the ‘twins’, from right up the road.  If they show up before the 28 days, I am taking my kid and my dog, and moving into R’s house and paying someone to pack and move everything for me…I will not stay here if they come out…it’s not the first time they’ve been in trouble…it’s not the last…

Now, since I am done giggling about the stupidity of the thieves, let’s talk about me.

Look at my last year.  I can’t drive due to the accident we were in last November where I could have lost my daughter.  I went through a world of trash when R broke up with his emotionally retarded ex.  I had a miscarriage and an almost pregnancy….

The RSD I picked up working for SBC as a telephone operator has been kicking up a lot more of late…couple with another RSD from the work I do on the phone…which has now been corrected…once I stopped believing the fallacies I learned from other unreputable places…and started to listen to not just myself, but R as well…

BUT>>>>                                                                                      

I have R, as rocky as I can make that now and then.

We are finally in the real estate investment business, which we have been planning to do for not quite 7 years.

We are moving less than a mile from R—until we have enough combined income to buy the bigger house together—which will be within the year.

E is finally coming together w the homeschooling.  And boy oh boy, has she been a very big help the past couple days.

My work is booming.  I am doing ten times better financially, since what June, than I have done in the past two years I worked for someone else.

And this is only the beginning.

I wrote 50000+ words for a novel—and the novel is done.  I have been writing scenes here and there to add to it—but the story is there, beginning to end….and all it lacks is massive massive editing and rewriting…

Now with the move, I will have access to everything I didn’t realize I didn’t have access to while in this house.  I hadn’t realized until I started to pull stuff out that I had been living in wait again…waiting until I have the space to access the yarn stash, the fabric stash, the whatever else we had or needed…

Now I will be able to find, to locate every book, every title, whenever I want it…without having to dig or move through stuff.

Now the dog won’t be worried about going out outside….

Now the kids can play in the backyard without my having to worry about morons living behind us throwing glass and garbage into our yard.

Hey, I said we have a good neighborhood here—but there are bad elements.  The people who live behind me are complete jerks and irresponsible a****les, but other than tetanus or trash everywhere—or rocks on the roof from the unruly kids—they aren’t really much to worry about there…

I have the money here not only to give the kids an excellent holiday—last year I wasn’t sure we’d be able to make it to January, much less being able to give them gifts—I was worried about buying food…this year—I have no reason to worry at all….

I have the money to pay someone to come in and pack everything, move it and drive it…and unload it. 

With money to spare afterwards…

It’s an amazing thing.

And it is so horrible for R—I gave him his holiday gift, his thanks for helping us move gift, and his birthday gift  (it’s early for a reason)—and I have been forbidden to buy him anything else at all until after his birthday….

Not that he can stop me from doing the smaller things I normally do for him—but the bigger things have to stop for awhile…

Lol

And there is always my knitting fetish…..so he is not out of the water entirely where it comes to me doing for him and giving him things…mwahahahaha…

Anyway…enough about my torturing the man I love by being nice to him—something he, like me, is not at all used to having happen…

The burglary actually helped me in some very unique ways.

Funny how I can say things all along and then all of a sudden start to really get them and mean them.

I am far better able to toss stuff out the front door into the trash without flinching at the moment. 

Example.  I had three crock pots.  My good one, it got broken by small children knocking stuff over accidentally.  The bowl of it was broken.  There was no way to fix it.  It had been a gift from N’s grandmother.

I had another crock pot that was smaller.  Bought in WV.  Older.  Loved it.  Had a flowery one that I got from R because he was getting rid of it.  One was to be for remilling soap.  Another for making candles. 

I tossed the two smaller ones.  Now, I have no crock pot.  I will be buying one, after we move.

I use coffee cups to hold pens and crochet hooks and knitting needles…and generally anything else that tends to lie around…I have cups full of pens, cups for scissors, so many things….

I have been tossing them left and right these days. 

There are things I can’t get rid of, due to where they came from…or why I hold on to them……

I had jeans from my marriage…I’ve been saving them.  They still fit and fit well.  But—they are the ‘old’ high waisted jeans (not 70s high waisted, just not low riders…).   I have been hanging on to them, because eventually they’d come back in style….but Monday, I threw them away.  Without a flinch.  Without a tremor. 

I am hoping to continue that pattern.  Pictures are coming off the walls and going into the trash…the Picasso posters have been gone for months.

I am planning to go through sweaters and dresses today…and the dresser in the storage room that I haven’t been able to get to since we got everything from MD last year.

So many things…so many things to do…we need to have it done and soon….

I am sort of looking forward to closing this house up and moving in w R until we get the 70s house ready to move into……

More to come….

Done--Right? Uhm, No...But Still...

Oh, the comments I have...

So, I was awakened this morning...some creepy little nose-picking kid (you have to be here to see why I harp on that some days...really) woke me up way too early....then the dog had to go out...and the neighbors scare her (not that I blame her) .... and the Muse started to whisper, with a cudgel, in my ear...actually when I finally crashed at 4am this morning, the Muse was still talking to me.  I kept telling her if it was that important, she should hang on to it, verbatim, until morning.  I should have said until I was awake and cognizant..but hey...she woke up me, with the first paragraph still intact from the morning before :-) ...and I of course had to sit down and write it...

I wrote 2206 words this morning.  My official nano word count is :
with the drum roll in the background....

50563 words

Which means, like, I'm done writing the novel, right?
No.  Not at all actually.  :-)  It means I am done trying to win the NaNoWriMo contest...because I hit the 50000 word marker.

Not counting rewrites and editing, I still have a lot of writing to do.  This is not your little 50000 word novel, not by a long shot.  Despite the fact that during rewrites, most of what I have now is going to hit the use it later in another story bin, I still have a good bit of writing into this version of the novel.  And I haven't really done anything more than get the ball rolling...unless I plan to write gobs of chapter books about these characters...which, ya know, could happen, should I develop a following for them...but I don't know...that's far too much for me to think about right this second...

I think I want to get the story basics down and out first before I start carving it up with the editing knife.
No way is this going to fit into any romance genre.  No way it touches the paranormal aspect I had so wanted to include.  It's raw and it's gritty, in a calm and weird way.  There are too many other things, too many other aspects, I have yet to even touch upon yet.

I am loving it too.

This was only the morning writing run too.  R has plans for this evening so I won't be camped out in his arms on his couch tonight...I will be slaving away at my computer--after removing the popcorn that grows like tribbles all over the house on the weekends when N is here.  :-)

I want my cookie now, see.  I hit the 50000 word mark.  I want my cookie.  I deserve it.  lol
Actually, I think I want a nice meal, with some sort of apple--or peach--cobbler, with a nice thick rich coffee for dessert....

Imagine what I will want once I actually finish the novel....not just the contest....
lol

Ok--I'll get back to you in a few....

Nano-Bites

Well, I was so worried and so afraid I would never make it to 50000 words from November 1 to November 30.  I was so afraid I would never be able to finish what I started....

Here it is, still technically Saturday, November 14, for me, as I haven't gone to bed yet, and I am officially at: 48357 words.

If there is one thing we should all know by now, it's that 2000 words in one day is not a real issue for me.

Today, this morning, a very interesting thing happened.  I sat down, thinking I was writing back story, more word padding, I will admit.  What actually happened was: I rewrote the intro.  I rewrote...so much.

Here's another midstream shift that has hit.  Even though it coincides with a great deal of what I have already written...it is a completely different novel.  It is absolutely not what I set out to write.  Not before November.  And certainly not since beginning the contest.

There are things inside me, quietly begging with all their might, to be allowed to come forth and show themselves.

Now, the original archetype of the story remains.  You can't spend twenty plus years with the same characters and not know them inside and out.  So when these changes of direction come in mid-stream, I can keep up and see which way the wind is blowing, even if the manner in which it all happens just completely baffles me.

This section, this direction, feels really really REALLY good to me.  I am pushing, but not overly much.  I am striving, without forcing.  Heck, most of the time, I am trying to keep my fingers from catching on fire as the characters do all the work and I struggle to keep up with them.

I wrote 10674 words today.  Today.  In one day.  Just one day.  Not that I haven't before...but not like this...I wrote about four thousand words this morning, before my loving smurf of a son kicked me off of my computer--and sent emails no less!  Sheesh!  I did save my document before being thrown out of my room.  I spent all day stewing.  I didn't want to work on my netbook--I had 4000 words on the desktop and no way to switch them over from one to the other--without starting a fight with two young children...either of whom might have chewed my arm off today had I tried to touch anything that might have gotten them away from their games--they were learning to read, darn it.  (starfall)

I worked all day.  I had a really good day at work too.  I worked on R's sock.  I am six+ inches into it.  Two more inches and I start turning the heel.  This is the prototype, let's see what we need to adjust next time around, tester sock.  I am really enjoying the snot out of this too.
I even had to place an order with knitpicks today--and I didn't even order any yarn!
I ordered more needles...and a couple books to even things up.  One is a book we've wanted for awhile because we liked it when we borrowed it from the library--and the other is an interesting looking sock making book.  Yes, I am officially addicted now and I am not even done with the first sock.

Both my kids are here, in case you missed that.  Which means fun fun fun -- it never stops.  :-)   N tried to color raw eggs with blue food coloring.  Which, btw, does come off little boys when the boy is soaked in warm bubbly water and scrubbed gently with olive oil soap.  Although the soap does not wash off the ornery attitude, not at all.

And I wrote a total of 10674 words.  With everything else that was going on.  I stayed up after the kids went to bed and I wrote, knowing I have to get up in the morning, knowing I will have clients waiting, knowing R will be here first thing to play with us, knowing I have to get up and write some more tomorrow too.  After my lead character wakes up as she went to bed and the writing stopped there....

If I wrote like that every day--and sometimes I do--I would have a whole entire rough draft done in five frakkin' days.  Five.

I have a boyfriend who is threatening to make my life a living hell once Nano is over.  He is determined I will edit and rewrite my book until it is the best I can make it.  He is not going to stop until I submit my book to publishers and to whomever else it takes to get my book out there.  He has my permission to threaten me in cases like this.

Do not underestimate what positive reinforcement from your partner can do for you.  It's amazing.

Then again, he is seeing that himself, as I kinda egged him into buying that first real estate investment property.  One property.  Positive cash flow.  Boom.  Boom.  Boom.  He's not even done buying the first one and he has a second one in mind for the next one as soon as the first closes.....

He is stumbling a little over things internally, even though he has planned to do this for seven years, only because for the past five years he had someone with him who shot down each and every idea he had, because it made her uncomfortable, because she had no capacity to think outside the box, or outside of herself.  Funny thing is--the very first property he is buying--positive cash flow from the closing date on.  He has all the win/win scenario stuff on his side from the get go.  She held him back from this.  He could have quit his day job by now if not for her negativity.

There is a lot to be said for letting go of the negative influences in your life.  Look at all the good things that have happened to him since he has.
Or all the things that have happened to me since I have.

I could be mean and show the flip side, but I don't have it in me right now.

I am returning to my regularly unscheduled nano update now.

I had an outline drawn up to follow the last idea when the novel jumped ship and swam catty-corner.  This bare bones outline can still be used, once it's been heavily modified...since basically it's the same people, with the same story.  But....it's completely different from what I planned to write.  An utterly different view of the activities that go on...

What I am writing is ... the back story.  The behind the scenes how did she reach this point stuff.  Stuff that was to be hinted at from novel to novel...because this 'fair maiden' is a serial--I've known her for 20+ years--give me a break--I have more pieces of her life in my head than I do my own....which is not as bad as it would seem to most...

These are not the pieces I had planned to focus on, not in any novel really.  Yet, this is the novel I am writing. This is the novel I will finish.  This is the novel I will take my sandstone to and polish.  This is the novel that will be published, first.

It's harsh.  It's bare.  It's brutal.  And it is so bloody brilliant at times.  I know where this stuff comes from.  I know why it comes.  Parts of it are going to be hard for some to swallow.  I know if it continues to go the way I think it is, it's going to cause pain to those who think it is written for or about them, or things they have been involved in.  But--it isn't about them.  At all.  It merely echoes those things--as this character has had all these experiences in place long before the people who will feel the reverberations ever entered my life.

I like this novel.
I like where it's going.
I understand why the shift, and I am good with it.
Although I am still quite surprised by the depth of it.

Here's to a beautiful rest of the month.

I shall continue to write after I reach 50000 words.  Although then I may not really keep track of anything.
Once I reach the end, which I know will come after 50000 words, I will start into editing and rewriting.  Whatever it takes.

I am so glad R is going to be riding me to publication.
This is the book that wants to be published first.  For that I am both happy and surprised.

And if I finish one book, guess what that means....I can finish more....

One book...after another...and the cycle is begun....

Bless you, Chris Baty, and your wonderful contest.  Thank you.
I have spent how many years saying I was planning to write, planning to be a writer.
I've been a writer now, for a couple of years, admittedly so.  Thanks to you, I know I am a novelist as well.
A novelist.

Imagine that.
Me.
A real live novelist.

:-)
Waa hoo!!

I have to go find food before i can sleep --and I have to get up in a couple hours.  The boy does not sleep in...no matter how much we wear him out....

Cheers!

Daring To Wish Today

I so love Jamie Ridler.  She is a master Intuitive.  She just KNOWS what question to ask every week.
This week's Wishcasting Wednesday question made me laugh when it dawned on me that today is Wednesday and I ought to go right that moment to Jamie's blog, some vague time in the afternoon....


Here's the question for this week:

What do you wish to dare?

First of all, you should know that as of last night, I was really involved in the knitting spree mentality...and I dare to desire to finish off these socks--and to make my son is Captain America sweater!

This morning, I proved my love for my significant other.  I did not cast on once.  Not twice.  Not even three times.  This is the fourth and final cast on that I am currently working on--and at this moment taking a break from--and I honestly do not think my poor little 3US bamboo double point needles can stand another go round like we've had since this morning when I got up.  I even switched to a different skein of yarn, same colorway and same brand, just different skein, in case that would help things along--for the record--it really did.  

Now, I have spent oodles of money on sock knitting books and sock yarn recently.  I have perused and studied and pondered.  I have scoured ravelry for hours and hours on end.  I cannot find the pattern --the exact pattern-- that I am looking for.  Of course.  I have a DK weight yarn.  I have size 3US needles.  I have other yarn, yes.  I have other needles, yes.  But for this first pair of socks, I want to use DK wight yarn and size 3 US needles.  The rest I will work on later, after this initial pair of socks.  What does this mean?

It means that not only am I daring to knit socks in the first place--I am doing so by combining about seven different patterns in order to achieve what I want to achieve.  And I am taking as detailed notes as I possibly can--since i am only working one sock at a time--and because if this turns out right, it's going to be my own basic pattern for socks for R.  Once I get the prototype practice version down, I can extrapolate for smaller needles and thinner yarn.

However, as of this morning, I can do the Turkish cast on in my sleep, after drinking an entire bottle of tequila on my own...

I frogged my work three times.  That says nothing about how many times I cast on and ripped it out because I didn't like it, it wasn't tight enough, yada yada yada.

Once I was done giggling about the socks, it dawned on me...this entire frakkin' month of November is all about DARE for em.

NaNoWriMo.

I am daring to actually write a bloody novel...the entire crummy thing.  Ok, so it's a draft.  It's a pain in my backside.  But I am loving it.

Right this moment, my word counter is at: 33385 words.

Yes, I am knitting because I am trying to keep myself from hand-writing things.  I can't input the hand-written stuff into the word counter.  Yes, I am being silly and obnoxious.  Have you been keeping up with me--that sort of does describe me pretty well most days.  ;-)

Worse thing is, when i woke up this morning, after last week's, hey, let's not go this way, let's go that way scenario where my novel decided it didn't want to go the way I wanted it to go--I had another novel news flash.

My  Muse needs to be smacked--HARD.  Yeah yeah yeah.  I have the paddle in mind to smack her with too.  R will know which one I am talking about.  But--do I go with the one that leaves the word b**ch imprinted on her backside...or the one that leaves the heart imprinted on her backside....decisions decisions...darned Muse.

First of all, my main character and I go way way back, like more than twenty years at this point.  I have a file cabinet full of poetry and short stories and all sorts of folders and binders full of notes for and about her.  I have a main line story in my head.  Only the periphery stuff has changed over the years.

No.  Not good enough for my Muse.  She can't deal with this.  She seems to thrive on blowing my plans out of the water  and creating this amazing but irritating chaos all around her.  Yeah-I know--sounds familiar.  That's what I do for people.  Kinda sucks to have it thrown back at me, but usually it's a good thing.  

Except when I am in a competition and I am supposed to start and finish a rough draft in thirty days or less.  

And the b**ch wakes me up this morning and says, hey, did you know you were really writing two novels in one? 

Duh.  I knew that already.  That was the whole premise.  The whole two worlds colliding scenario.  

I am still pissy enough about the extra main character that cropped up out of nowhere and usurped my male leads' roles somehow...

Well, since we are writing two novels in one, we can either focus on the one intensely, or focus on the other intensely.  She proceeds to take me up and down the length and breadth of both worlds.  Neither of which did I really want to do, not in this draft, nor i this particular novel.  

Since that didn't do it for me, she lead me down another path.  Somehow she not only broke the novel into two different novels again, but she altered the focus of both as well, and threw in all this stuff I just do not want.  Which is technically a third and completely different novel all together.  

My main character has the potential to be a serial character.  Her story is weird enough to carry through all sorts of measures.

That's not my point nor is it my goal with this novel.  

I would dare my Muse to shut her mouth--but she might actually take me seriously.  Then where would I be?  A Museless creative creature who has migraines and whose boyfriend currently lives too far away to use him shamelessly to get rid of the migraine before it blows up and becomes the whole hide in the closet and try not to sob because it hurts more if I do migraine.  

My one other dare, which has to do more with R than with me, is I dare to believe that we are going to close on this house before December arrives.  There was a glitch with the financing.  Not on our side.  But that doesn't stop the delay.  I am betting we can find the necessary assistance to close this house in eight days.  I believe that.

And if we don't?  Then we still close in early December anyway.  we're all still good.

So, like, here I am, like, at the bottom of this post, like, with no other avenue to explore....

sorry--some days, that just comes out in me now and then.

What's my wish for the day?

I don't really have a specific wish.

I guess I wish to just keep daring myself and to keep accepting and meeting those dares.

Did I Forget Who I Am? Nope...Not Really....

Did I start to knit in 2005?  2006?  Somewhere, way back when, that’s when I learned to knit.  At that time, I had two young children.  I was looking into using a Waldorf methodology in our homeschool curriculum, which I still use in bits and pieces today.  Part of the Waldorf methodology is to introduce handwork, finger knitting.  I haven’t learned to finger knit yet.  I have learned to knit.  Not only to knit at this point…I have also learned to crochet.  I still have so much to learn about both crafts.  My daughter is learning to both knit and to crochet.  I even taught the love of my life to knit recently.  I bought him his own yarn, his own needles, and told him he was to knit a scarf in memory of his mother so that I could donate it in her name to one of any number of certain places that I know that deal with cancer victims and survivors.

This past year has been the first year where I didn’t have yarn and needles, or yarn and hook, in my hand every single day.  I used to have to have a fiber project going, every single day, or I just wasn’t right all day.  Even if I only did a few stitches, a row, something, no matter how small, soothed my unresting soul and made me feel more calm and more focused.  This past year has certainly been one of great trials and tribulations.  A car accident that cost us our one vehicle.  Not to mention caused my children’s lives to cross in front of my eyes.   A new relationship…no…that isn’t right…an old relationship that expanded into something completely new and different—which is a good thing, though I am about to bracket it with not so good things.  A miscarriage.  A new house, which is falling down around us pretty much, not to mention the sucky neighbors who live behind us and who cause no end of havoc for more than just my family and me.  A new house, closer to my boyfriend, in a much better neighborhood, in a much better place where I can walk to things and be happy and feel a slight bit of independence in my walking.  Way too many things, both good and not so good, have gone on this past year.

I knew I was depressed.  I’ve known for a long time.  It’s hard to flip a vehicle over and remain unscathed by the experience—roll a moving truck, with your child asleep in the seat next to you…and your other child hundreds of miles away and maybe never to be seen again….I still suffer from vertigo.   Sometimes the vertigo is very mild.  Other times, I am lucky enough to sit down, or to be held, until it passes.  Riding as a passenger in a car…heavy traffic….tractor trailer trucks…canoeing….swinging on a swing at the playground with my children…walking down the hall in the dark….you know how sometimes at the edge of sleep you sometimes feel as if you are falling….I’ve made myself literally ill when that feeling has hit…vertigo that bad…if I am very tired and I take a hot shower, the heat tends to make me dizzy, which triggers the vertigo, which can drop me to my knees….

When I don’t knit, I’m depressed.  I know this.  I hadn’t realized until we started looking at things and preparing to start packing the first house in order to move to the second house how very much that first house has been holding me back.  I have a storage room—not a basement.  I wanted and I needed a basement for a reason.  I came into this house knowing it was only temporary and I was ok with that.  I didn’t realize how much of my life I had put on hold because of that.  My yarn is very safe in the storage room, because I can’t get to 90% or so of it.  It’s even difficult for me to reach all my sweaters right now, even after all the stuff I have thrown away over the past year…

Recently, for whatever reason, be it the new house, be it new dynamics within the romantic relationship, be it a different and more decent rapport with the ex which makes things better for my children and with my children, whatever the case, I have picked up both needles and hooks of late.  And that makes me feel so much better.

Now, not only do I knit and crochet, but I study as much as I can about fibers and whatnot.  I have always had to be happy and use what I had on hand, or what the local discount store carried.  I have been rather outspoken about not wanting to spend gobs of money on yarns to knit myself a sweater when I can go to the thrift store and by wool or cashmere or alpaca sweaters, or delicate lacework sweaters or heavily cabled sweaters or intricate intarsia sweaters, for anywhere from twenty-five cents to two dollars.  I can’t afford to buy delicate fingering weight cashmere or alpaca yarn.  I don’t have the tolerance or dexterity (so I have always thought) to knit up a cardigan on tiny little size one (US) needles.  I always check out the knitwear, the crochet work, every time I go to any store.  I especially love thrift stores.

I found a pair of knee high hand knitted socks at the thrift store just two days ago…and I paid thirty four cents for them too.  One sock needs a little bit of darning in two small spots…the other sock is pristine…They are a wool blend—they wash and dry in the dryer well…I figured for under thirty five cents, I could experiment…I had to nearly smack myself to stay away from the sweaters though. 

I always check out the blankets in a thrift store.  I have gotten some of the most amazing hand knit and hand crocheted blankets and throws for incredibly low amounts.  My current favorite blanket was a thrift store find.  It is crocheted, using a thick wavy textured yarn.  Yarn I know that costs roughly five dollars per skein.  And there has to be no less than five skeins used in this blanket.  Maybe four.  I paid a grand total of four dollars for this blanket.  It’s made with a yarn I cannot stand to work with, but that I love the end product once the yarn is knit or crocheted up.  This blanket is how I have learned to sleep without being curled up in my boyfriend’s arms throughout the night when we are in our separate beds.  My boyfriend puts out a lot of body heat; when we are together, we both put out a lot of heat.  Yes, even just sleeping.  In cold weather, I can sleep with him and be happy with little more than a sheet over us because we are so warm together…  This scarlet and maroon blanket of mine, I sleep wrapped up in it and it keeps me as warm as my boyfriend does, although it lacks the moving breathing caressing presence of my boyfriend.  It is a decent and acceptable substitute.

I am in a relationship with a man who rarely wears scarves, but he does go out of his way to wear a scarf his sister made him.  I have knit him a couple cozies.  One for his gps system.  One for his netbook.  I have embarked into the world of sock knitting, just to be able to knit him ski socks for his yearly ski trips. 

I have made my daughter hats.  My son has his favorite scarf, which he refuses to take to his dad’s house, in case it gets lost.  The scarf is a snake, complete with tongue.  My son has a ton of hats at his dad’s that I’ve made him, by request.  Both my children have hats and scarves galore.  My daughter even has a dress that I knit her, with yarn that she and my son bought me for mother’s day one year. 

I have learned a great deal in the past year, in relation to my fiber obsession.  I was once content not really knitting sweaters for myself.  Now, I see the logic and the appeal of it.  Part of this reversal has to do with the accident last November, I am certain.  Another big part of it has to do with my boyfriend…and my never ending need to knit something for him.  I love knitting for my children, and yes, I have a Captain America sweater request still staring me in the face after a year, with the yarn still sitting in the bag I brought it home in still sitting in the corner mourning the fact I stare at it periodically before ignoring it again…

I have come to realize that the pride of being able to make something for the ones you love that they will actually wear, and in public, means a great deal.  Ok. So my daughter has worn the dress I knitted for her two years ago out in public many a time.  That kid will wear a brown paper bag if I hand it to her.  The fact my kids, who are still young enough to think everything I knit them is cool, will wear what I make them, it’s awesome and it’s terrific, but the rate of the recognition for my effort knitting and everything else, it didn’t hit the right spot in my knitterly heart.  That came in with my boyfriend.  It’s not just the socks, which he said I could knit in just about any darn color I want, since they’ll be inside his boots and no one will see them, until he takes his boots off back at the condo, where he will be more than proud to tell everyone his girlfriend knitted him socks…that’s what really started the process in my brain…but…I am planning to knit him an Einstein jacket too (see Sally Mehlville’s first book, The Knit Stitch, for that pattern….)…he has seen the finished jacket in the pattern book and he said he would wear it in public—and he’d be proud to wear it in public.

And then I started to look around at other things.  Being with him has caused me to look at a great many things in my life differently.  This is indeed a very good thing.  One thing is…I want to knit sweaters for my entire family.  I do not fear the sweater curse where my boyfriend is concerned.  That man is not going anywhere…I could not be rid of him with a pitch fork.  Not that I would ever want to be rid of him.  I may have only wanted to have him as my friend for the past nine years, before we started to get really hot and heavy, but once he and I hit that mark and grew closer, there is no turning back.  Our only regret is that we didn’t pursue things sooner.

Now.  I have never considered myself a yarn snob.  I read about them.  I heard about them.  I listened to their stories.  I had to scoff at them, being a single mother on a tight tight budget.  I took what I could get, be it red heart super saver, or caron simply sock, or bernat coordinates.  I took that and I was happy, because that’s what I could find and could afford.  I still fall back on these yarns quite a bit; I have plenty of all of them in my stash as well.  Among other things.

But…but…I am in a much more secure financial arena these days.  I branched out a bit for my birthday.  I bought a stash of handspun luxury yarns on ebay…oh, what an excellent thing to do.  I also started knitting things for certain people, and they had requirements for certain things.  I bought a yarn for a client who requested a scarf that I would never have bought otherwise…a nice thick wool blend with some lovely soft color changes.  Not noro by any means, but still, delicious.  Oh, then there’s the noro, which may be the original culprit in my developing yarn snob syndrome.  There truly is such an amazing difference between working with icky old acrylic and, say, nor kureyon.  I began to branch out in my fibers a bit more.  Some silk here.  Some alpaca there.  Linen over here.  Bamboo over there. 

I worked on designing my own patterns, increasing my repertoire.  I kept picking up my needles, even if I planned to do nothing more than swatch all night.  I nearly finished a shawl two days ago.  I had seen an item online that I thought I could duplicate, so I swatched it and I worked it.    I had nearly finished the first ball of yarn before I decided I didn’t like the look and the lay of this piece and I frogged the entire thing back to square one, a round ball of yarn, waiting to be knit into something beautiful and useful.

I have a boyfriend who helps pick out knitting books and knitting patterns, who wants me to knit blouses and bikinis and other things for myself so that he can see me in them.

I am developing a finer, more evolved sense of how the finished fabric should lay and move and …breathe….I think this is an important change to the challenge of my knitterly brain.  When I first started knitting, it really didn’t matter to me about the drape or whatever.  To be honest, I made a lot of scarves and shawls and washcloths.  Drape really wasn’t all too important then.  Now, I am looking at making myself a series of off the shoulder tops, tube tops, bikini tops….and drape is very important.  I am looking at making my son his Captain America sweater, my boyfriend his Einstein jacket, my daughter her swing jacket sweater thingy.  I am doing more than just thinking about the possibility of making myself a skirt, or two. 

What does all this mean?  It means I am paying more attention these days.  I feel safer…and more sage…spending money on higher quality yarns to create a sweater that will last a lifetime with the proper care.  Not that I am not looking in the good places to get the expensive high quality yarns for less, online and locally, because I genuinely am.  But I am also opening the door to a great many more possibilities and ranges.

Usually, I don’t sit down to think up knitting goals until the New Year is upon us.  The traditional New Year, since All Hallow’s Eve is a New Year for me…the beginning of a New Cycle.  This year, these goals keep presenting themselves to me.  As I struggle to find a way to teach my daughter and boyfriend (my son as yet has not expressed an interest in learning to knit, just the desire to have me knit things for him….), I find myself thinking things.  There are technically only two stitches in knitting…all you have to do is learn all the different ways to combine them and to use them.  Knit two together is still a knit stitch.  The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I have let so many things hold me back for so long.

I can knit socks.  So, I shouldn’t knit socks at one and two o’clock in the morning when I al already tired and then try to graft on a big toe to a pair of flip flop socks…which I did and I grafted the toe on inside out…and then had to frog the entire sock…which really ticked me off and I haven’t touched that pattern again yet…YET…but I will be back for it soon…

I can knit lace.  I like lace so much I have written a great many patterns for different things, at this point a great many shawls and scarves….using the principles of lacework…although I still have to test knit many of them.  My first test knit is a Faroese style shawl that I am planning to wear at my wedding…if I can remember where I stuck the pattern last time I worked on it so I can keep working on it…I can remember it by heart now, but I am afraid of making a mistake and I want the pattern there in front of me.  Since it is the prototype, and I had to do so much rewriting and reworking when I first cast on for it, I haven’t transferred the scrawled pattern notes onto the computer, nor have I charted them out yet…so…I have to figure out what I did with the paperwork before I continue knitting…although I would honestly like to rework this shawl with thinner yearn and perhaps even a larger needles, to really enhance the lacework.

I can work stripes into patterns.  I knit the belly of more than one animal or toy a different color than the rest of the beast.  This should mean I can work intarsia, right?  A little more effort, a little more focus, yes, but still, the same ideas at work here.

I can work cables, for more than a few rows.  That is another thing I want to have done before my boyfriend goes skiing in December.  A cabled scarf.  I don’t think I’ll manage that.  His socks are more important at the moment. 

I can make toys.  I can make items to fit.  I can do so many different things.

What I want to learn to do this coming year is make my own sweaters, not just for me, but for my entire family.  I want to do colorwork, even if It is small to start.  I do not have to get into a traditional Norwegian intarsia sweater.  I want to work lace patterns with very thin yarn and very tiny needles, and I want to enjoy every moment of it as I do.  I want to knit socks, lots of socks.  Not only for me, not only for my boyfriend.  I want to knit mittens.  I want to knit holiday stockings.  I want to go hog wild and be HAPPY!

This is my plan.  And I will be sticking to it.  In the middle of writing my novel, to be sure.  Not to mention, setting up that volume of poetry we want to get published as well.

Off I go.  I have to cast on that pair of ski socks now, before I let time run out.  Bye!

Re-Earning That Procrastination Merit Badge For NaNo

Yep.  it's Tuesday.  It's windy and just a touch chilly here today, but I have all the windows open--or at least all the windows I can...it's a toss up--do I enjoy some 'fresh air' and get things moving in the house or do I endure the ravages of the ahem people in the neighborhood setting their leaves on fire (some of them set fire to leaves right up against their house--seriously--some in the road, not right in the middle of the road, but close, and sometimes, they light leaves aflame on really windy days like today and I marvel that no house has yet burnt to the ground, not that I know of anyway--it is not for lack of trying from the people around here, seriously...nope..apparently you do not need a permit to burn your leaves 'round here--when we came back from R's last night I swear the clouds of smoke from burning leaves resembled the Mist from Stephen King's famed novella ...or short story...or however you want to categorize it...I was only half-joking about being worried this house would still be standing when we got here...if the creeps behind us don't do it damage, then surely the winds would fan flames and set the roof aflame....yet...knock on wood...we all be safe....)...I decided to chance it and open the windows...until E starts to complain she's freezing to death anyway...

No.  I did not write for Nano on Satruday or Sunday or Monday.  I didn't expect to write much w N here anyway... We had SUCH a great time Sunday...we took N out to eat, to play, then to a playground--we wore that little stinker out and then dropped him off at his dad's when we were done...
Then it was just we three, R, E and me.  We went bowling.  R had a tournament he participated in to help raise money for a little girl whose father had recently died.  E and I watched--it's the first time E had ever been to a bowling alley.  The ex had taken me 2-3 times before we got married.  When I left, I had three bowling balls in my possession--all of which went to goodwill.  The man had a fit trying to find me bowling shoes after the last time he took me bowling--and once he bought them for me and everything,  he never again took me bowling ever...apparently I am not competitive enough--and/or I don't do things his way...hey--I'm the Red Queen here--The Red Bull has to stay in his own world (keep up--we went from Alice in Wonderland to the Last Unicorn  there :-) )...and I always wanted to bowl just to enjoy myself and to have fun--that was never allowed w T--you had to win...not enjoy yourself...so I guess that's why he never took me again.  E and I met some really nice people--and finally got to put some faces to the people we've been hearing so much about for months and months.

After R was done w the tournament...we stayed so E could bowl a couple games, since she was so excited.  First lesson we learned, E must bring socks w her at all times.  Her shoes would have been more comfy had she had socks.  BUT--she had a BLAST.  She is adamant we buy her her own six pound ball, right now.  I found out the same thing I found out last time I bowled--I shouldn't use my thumb because the nail gets torn from the bed every time I toss the ball using finger in the holes grip--and I really need a wrist guard if I am going to bowl, even if I do use a two handed throw--and I do use a two handed throw--and by some margin known only to God Above, I can get a strike here--whereas w T the fact I did not do it his way was a great blasphemy.  Great, I ain't.  But having fun--oh boy--yes.  E was just overjoyed by the whole process.  She's hooked--and darn near demanding we do it every week now.  Which works for me.  It's the every day thing I keep eyeballing her about.  She would gladly go every single day.

R is kinda happy.  Other than shooting chickens--or maybe it's turkeys, he found something I will play w on the wii--I am not a game person.  I can go on and on about my dislike of things like that...but if wii bowling will help me figure out the best way to throw a bowling ball...I am willing to try.

I know.  I am kind of a pain.  I don't play games, like on facebook, because I don't see the purpose to it.  I will spend hours roaming through news articles online--but playing a 'video'  game makes no sense to me.  I would rather knit.  Or read.  Or both at this point.  Other than board games, all I play is solitaire...and my computer ate my solitaire game and I haven't cared enough to go find another one...hey...the computer did decide to give me back my calculator function for some reason...maybe solitaire will return at some point as well...ya never know...

So, I started this post for the Next Chapter chapter from last week..Play....

Snarf...I am still 'playing' w that chapter as well...but how 'bout I share a couple playful moments?

R and I taking N and E to the dreaded McDonald's (McRib sandwiches are back for a while ... not that I eat them, but that's why we went...) and we have to go to McDonald's w a play ground--or else we get into big trouble with two very small obstinate grumper children.  :-)

Now, the playground.  I hate enclosed spaces.  I didn't play on those things when I was a kid.  It took me a LONG time to stop hyperventilating once the kids started to play on these things as they got old enough to do so.  N has my reticence about enclosed spaces, but he will go where his sister will go, if we give him enough time to work up to it.   R and the kids did get me up into that thing, and N pretty much refused to let me out once I was there--the one we went to had a great window bubble against the outside window so we could look outside and watch the trees and traffic and whatever...N liked that...it was 'the spot'  ...
Now--we were the only ones there that evening...imagine all four of us up inside that darn thing, all together...it was hysterical and fun...and I even went down the slide twice...not an easy thing for me...although the second time R went in head first after I started down and I pretty much dragged him all the way down...lol

Play.  Some days I forget...my idea of playing is spending hours working on a prototype design for some shawl/scarf thing I saw while trolling etsy and thought I could do myself...getting almost to the end of the first ball of yarn ...and deciding I like it better a different way and frogging the whole thing back to square one....
I do that a lot.

Play.  Chasing the dog all over the house and tossing her the ball to see 1 if she can catch it and/or 2 if she'll go get it and bring it back....

Play.  Singing in the shower and making shapes w my hair when shampooing--like horns and such, like I used to do to the kids when they were smaller...and sometimes still do if E lets me help wash her hair...or when we color E's hair...

Play.  Does sitting on the floor staring at the fish and talking to them count as play?

Play.  Does mud count in the clay realm?  Clay.  I do w it what I do with yarn.  I play and play and play--then wad it up and stick it back in the container, having nothing to show for the time spent...

Play.  Avoiding my work...and reading about dowsers and other very interesting and well-written things....

Play.  Wrestling w R.  It's fun.  I don't win...I get in good shots...but I don't win.  He usually doesn't win either.  It's usually a draw.  But the whole thing is fun.  It's even more fun when the kids get involved too...although then we are all getting bruises because the kids hit way harder than they think they do....

Play...this one is all me....I distrust a great many things about technology...it's the conspiracy theorist in me...I downloaded all the album cover art I could find for my itunes account last night--and hooked it into my ipod...hey--it's a big deal for me.  :-)  Especially some of the strange stuff I listen to....
So, I uploaded some new stuff.  E loves Lady Gaga--the long blonde wig is what E really adores, so I had to get Gaga for her.  Although E likes the music too.  And then spent the evening after putting the kids to bed dancing around my kitchen and living room...and loving every second of it...if the kids weren't in bed, I'd have been singing out loud--until someone told me to be quiet...because I can belt things out too (E is really bad about belting things out in her pseudo-opera voice :-) ) ... usually I sing along under my breath...ipod or not....

Hehehe...I bought some holiday gifts already...and I decided to buy myself some new music as well..not alot...but a little.  I had to get Lady Gaga for E--so I figured I deserved something for myself...E and I had spent a couple hours browsing online the other day, watching different music videos...I am developing a weird thing for Britney's music...the whole I know I'm screwed up, take me as I am anyway and screw you thing...I get that--and I like that...
Scary as it is...

Britney antecedent--
the x always used to tell me how nuts I was/am--he claimed --well--a lot of things....most of which I said about him as well--so I guess that makes us even--
in a conversation w him, I once said something about not being as bad as things w Britney, somehow compared myself w/to Britney (during her divorce/custody battle/break down) --and the man actually came back, fiercely, and told me I shouldn't compare myself to Britney--as I wasn't all that bad...
some days that still shocks me--that a man who spent so much time building me up as this absolutely insane moron would tell me not to compare myself to someone who seemed to be acting completely insane...
somewhere in there that man does have a strange and decent streak...it's just too much effort to fight to find it...and it's better off simply catches glimpses of it here and there and not fighting for anything else while going along my merry way...

Anyway...
I got to play this weekend.  I got to go down a regular slide (wearing boots no less as I had not expected to go to the rocket park playground) and I got to swing--where I learned that I have a long long long way to go to recover from the accident last year in ways that have nothing at all to do w driving or being on the road at all...

We watched 'Race To Witch Mountain' (with The Rock) last night.  As a movie, it's pretty good.  As part of the whole 'Witch Mountain' thing from the 70s, 'Escape to Witch Mountain' and 'Return from Witch Mountain'....no--it doesn't really have anything to do with anything else....but then again...I don't ever remember seeing 'Return From Witch Mountain' as a kid ... and I fail to see the whole point of the movie as a sequel ...fail to see what the second movie had to do with the first, except that it used the same two kids...so, in that vein, 'Race' is as integral as 'Return'....as in, Witch Mountain is the only real constant, other than the kids being from another world and having 'powers'....

I liked this session, this piece...it's not a sequel or a prequel...just another sort of floating along in the same vein....
Of course, it has The Rock in it, so I was on board regardless.
I like the premise of the movie.  I can see a lot of things that the conspiracy theorist in me like to keep an eye on, saying ayuh, as if....
but overall, pretty cool....

I do like the way Harlan (I think that's his name)  got involved and 'helped'....and how the 'geek' sci fi community reacted, came together, reached out....
says the woman who owns 'Communion', who has listened to way to many things, dealt w way too many things...who keeps her mouth shut about a grand number of things...and still cannot read 'Communion', who hasn't been able to read anything by Whitley Streiber except 'The Last Vampire' since Whitley's abductions...and who will continue to not say why...for a long long time.

But it does make a very interesting story...you must admit...

And with that, I am going to go doodle for a bit before hunkering down and picking up where I left off for my nano writing....

Last count as of Saturday: 30277 words--and I am fighting the whole let's write by hand mode at the moment--simply because I can't stuff it into the word counter at the end of a session and say see what I did!
I'm such a procrastinating pain in the a*se, I have been looking at voice recognition/transcription programs!

And now--I am OFF....
w my cajun music in the background, French lyrics dripping all over like the heat of the swamp in mid-summer--gotta love it...

If You Thought I Was Joking

This is the wallpaper in the master bathroom....

It looks much worse to me now than it did the first time I saw it....but then again...it had been a long day of looking at all sorts of houses...

Nuff said....

Nano Update

Snarf.

22761 words into this work--and I had an idea for a new direction.

The joy of this particular story is it's one that I have had roaming through my brain for over twenty years.  That means I have all sorts of background information and ideas and time flows and too many other things.
Even though when I sat down to write that intro an entirely NEW character popped up and wanted his say as well...which is cool...because technically he's been in the background for the past few years without me really realizing it...so focused have I been on other aspects...

The thing is...the change in direction can encompass all of what I have already written--with some heavy re-writing -- so I am not in need of tossing everything...except the notes I have been running from--and changing the order of things...

I was wondering how 'fair' it would be to keep what I have rather than starting over--and the overall consensus seems to be--keep it--this is the rough draft....

Although now i am interested to see which way this direction takes me--it's not that this changed has altered what I want to write--and since this is a draft I haven't really paid too much attention to things like oh verb tense (which bugs me when I go back to figure out where I left off night after night) --  I think revelation is a much better term, now that I think about it.

So, last night, and today as I sit here waffling and baffling over things, I think I can say yes, the direction changed, but it was more of a solidification of things on some levels...as well as a shift in focus of the work...without really shifting all too much...

Cool.

Wait.  You have to get a really good visual on the Muse working w me on this one.  Now, usually I have a series of Muses to help with things when I write, but apparently I asked for a specific Muse to help with this Nano project, to keep me on track--and to date you have to admit she's been doing a wonderful job...

But you have to SEE her...
I hate to be cliche, but can we say Dominatrix Vampire here?
Whiter than white rose petal skin, that not shiny but waxy skin that looks so soft you could sink into it for days....
Black black waves of hair framing her face, spilling over her shoulders, down her back.
Big wide black eyes, with long fluttery lashes and thick black eyebrows all arched and perfectly groomed.
Blood red, dried blood red, scarlet maroon lips lush lips.  Not Angelina Jolie lips.  But still, lickable.
Tall, thin but not model thin.  Not bony.  Curvy.  Not overly buxom.  Round fertile hips.  A leather bustier/corset tightly tightly laced.  Low riding more than skin tight black leather pants.  Eight inch stiletto heeled over the knee laced up boots, in again black leather.  Black finger nails.  In her hand a cat-of-nine tails flicking back and forth as if it were a cat's tail.
And she doesn't sit.  She paces.  Paces back and forth.  She has this smile on her face.  Not as if the kitty just ate the cream, but the wily cat just snatched the canary up and there's not feather one trace to be found.  More than a Mona Lisa smile.  This is devious and cunning...while still maintaining the I am all sugar and spice facade.
She has a name.  I dare not utter it aloud.  Lest I feel her vengeance.  I know better.  :-)

If you've ever read the stuff I've written about my Muses...you know...you don't mess with them.  Brutal is an understatement.

And now that that devil has been given her due, I think I better turn my brain round to making notes, re-arranging notes, working on the new direction.  I surely do not wish to keep this particular Muse waiting too long.  :-)

This has started to blossom into a really beautiful day...

Wishcasting In the Dark of the Moon

Wishcasting Wednesday, November 4

All day long, I have been thinking, I have to get to Jamie's site and make my wish--have to make my wish--I was busy fulfilling other wishes at that time--most in relation to the up-coming move.

Not to mention, today was a good day w work.

Almost every single reading I did today, for several people, not just one person, although the card continued to come up over several readings for one person, the card 'experiencing' came up.

I love that sort of synchronicity.

Usually if certain cards show up repeatedly over the day, it means the Universe is trying to reach out and conk me in the head as well.

So, our beautiful and wise WishMaster, Jamie, today asks of us:

What do you wish to experience?

I thought about this for a bit, after I saw Jamie's blog.

My very first thought was: I wish I didn't have to experience any more emotional turbulence for the rest of the month.  Not like we are currently undergoing, at any rate.

It's not the move.  Not really.  It's a personality clash. Because today is not the first day things have malfunctioned.  I've been off for weeks due to the elephant situation.  To have the elephant leave as abruptly as it did did not drive a wedge between anything, but it did open up a lot of wounds that I have nowhere to go with anymore.  

The problem is, I don't know for sure if I can continue along with things if this stuff keeps cropping up.  Strange as it seems, that thought doesn't frighten me as much as it once did.  I'm not sure how much more I can take.  I'm not sure how much more I want to deal with.  I've reached that point where stopping where we are and pushing things back to where they once were sounds more reasonable every day.

But that's not what I wish to experience.

I am much more clear on what I do not wish to experience rather than what I wish to experience.

I do wish to experience a smooth positive move this time.  And I do not want to move again for a very long time, unless it is out of the city and away from people.

I do wish to embrace the entire NaNo experience.  I am only 2000 words behind tonight--as in I haven't written a thing past an opening sentence yet tonight.  My own personal goal is 2000 words per day, give or take.

I am loving the organic nature of this process though.  Usually I write in the mornings.  With NaNo, my muse has been dictating that I write before bed.  Into the night.  I know we are only four days into the process, but I have never written quite so consistently on only one project for this long before.  I have done installment writings, as with my SoulFoodCafe writings.  But I have never written with such concentration about one central story before.  

I rather like it.  I wish to embrace this entire experience, learn from it, grow from it, move forward with it in my heart and soul and just bloom forth.

Funny thing is, I have no desire to become the next Stephen King or Charlaine Harris, nor anyone else.  I just want to write what I write and put it out there to be read by others.  Being paid for that writing is just an amazing bonus.

My other wish is to experience a balanced bridge between the love of my life and myself.  I can't deal with going to bed angry at one another.  But I also can't deal with being treated like a simpleton or being trained the same way one trains dogs.  I've never been in a relationship where things bothered me so much before, mostly because I never really invested in anything long term (including that marriage where, ya know, I sold my soul to the devil's b**ch for all those years).  

There are days I truly understand why I never invested more of my heart in things. Because when I invest everything in something, it becomes too valuable...too sensitive...to difficult to control myself in relation...

It's one thing to invest everything in my children.  It's a given your children will rip your heart out and eat it raw, leave you, come back to you, ignore you, love you, hate you, and then chose your nursing home...or in my case, which pasture I'm to be put out in...

It's another to break the barriers of true friendship and invest in a relationship with someone who already knows all the buttons to push--and then date them--so they learn how to push even more buttons and push them so much more deeply.

I wish to experience a release from the malaise that has hold of me, the one that came in July and that will not leave me.  It's more than the miscarriage.  There were other things that happened then.  Things that still continue to happen that make me question the way things move in my universe.  

I wish to find that one thing that keeps eluding me.  I pray this new house holds the key to just that.  At least I will be in a place where I again have some autonomy.  

Brightest blessings to all.

Been Meaning To Do This

I've been meaning to reach out and extend kudos to the ex--for weeks now.

This sounds mean, I know, but my intention is for the highest good I can manage, beyond him: he has been acting almost like a real human being for ...weeks?  Maybe even months... No.  Maybe months is pushing it somewhat.  I'll have to stick w weeks, but at least he has been making some clear and obvious efforts, for which I am grateful.  Better, the effort seem to be sticking.  Not his usual change for a week or two and then go back to his business as usual thing...

Maybe he will become that person he swears he already is one of these days.
He seems to be trying to learn how to communicate...that is amazing.
He's actually been talking to me as if I am a real human being and not some garbage he has to scrape off his shoe (which, in his defense, sadly enough, is how he treated me from the get go)--and not just about comic books or movies or websites, but like, about our kid and everything.  It's actually terrific--and I so so appreciate it!  On so many levels...

Two? Three weeks before halloween, he agreed that E could spend the night (N was begging to 'keep her' so hard--it's so pitifully adorable when he does the 'please..can we keep her...please routine....) .  My head spun over that for days afterwards.  The man actually made plans--weeks in advance.  This man who has so consistently been unable to commit to simple things (like can we go to the grocery store when you get back to the house this afternoon or how about lunch tomorrow), since we were dating, much less living together....agreed, weeks early, in advance.  It still takes my breath away.

He's done something like that a couple times recently.  The thing w Halloween, I wanted to kiss him (no, not like that)--it meant so much to E that he said yes...without his normal stalling or excuses or put offs.  He definitely deserves a cookie -- or  a chocolate ('big bang theory'--we love that show)--whatever.  He deserves kudos.  I am so proud of him and the progress he's making.

Another really big thing is he declined to allow N to receive the H1N1 vaccine.  I was so very relieved over that.  I had spent days working up email pleas in my head, knowing if I sent them he would be likely to march N out and get the shot that minute...in the end, I held my breath, prayed and let it go.  In the end, he didn't do it--and I am so so happy he didn't.
Go ahead.  Yell at me all you want about that.
Then go read the info on autism and how 1 out of 91 persons in the US is autistic these days. 1 out of every 91 persons.
Then read how China's autism rates sky-rocketed when they used the US vaccines for things like oh MMR--and how once they stopped using those vaccines autism rates plummeted--and then ask me, she who has stood there on foreign soil and watched how the US government told the US citizens back home one thing while doing another, if I believe the US reports about how nothing in the vaccines, mercury or otherwise, had anything to do w China's autism rates.  My big purple baboon butt it didn't.

I was already anti-vaccine before the reports of China and autism came out.
I was already anti-US government as a source of honesty and truth way way way before that--you don't come from military backgrounds and buy everything the government says wholesale...
A hundred years from now, people will be better able to strain the truth from the lies, but none of that will help us now...
Oh, did you forget I am that hippy dippy off the grid love peace and pass the ammo type of gal?
Sorry to disarm you so.
I'm still here.  My SO may be curbing my desires to do certain things, but he is not taking away the passions beneath.  Trust me.

I have always had bad reactions to the flu vaccines.  Always.  Dead vaccine.  Live vaccine.  Partially killed vaccine.  I won't let my kids have them.  I get so much sicker from the vaccines than from the actual flu I am supposed to be protected against--and then on top of that, after recovering from the vaccine, I always got the flu, and reacted worse to it than to the flus I got when I didn't get the vaccine. I don't do vaccines unless I have to anymore--and I never ever do flu vaccines.
I have learned, the hard way, the damage I may have caused by allowing the ear infection vaccine stuff for both kids when they were little.  My brother had such problems w his hearing due to infant ear infections.  I have significant scarring in one ear from childhood ear infections.  I thought a vaccine to prevent ear infections would be a good thing.  Nope.  Both kids have hearing problems...
And even as I did it, on the ex's prodding--since 'everyone' does it--that's his philosophy--I know the chicken pox vaccine for both kids is really going to haunt us at some point...

Enough of that tangent.
I am actually trying to be genuinely nice to the ex and tell him he's been an incredible and decent person lately.
Wish he had been this person all along.  Ye gods, would things have been so much easier on everyone then...

He can be a good guy.  Especially if he can open his mouth and talk.

What brought all this on today?

That 70s house.  :-)  

When we moved into this house (the Western Woods house, as we call her--yes, I name darn near everything) , our original intent had been to unpack, clean the place up, and then throw a house warming party.  Except, well, there was the accident...and by the time I recovered enough from that (accident was Nov--semi-recovery was not til March, if not later, if you can even claim I am recovered at this point now) the house was showing its other colors and I had no desire to have anyone enter the house, much less a desire to entertain...

With that 70s house, I have ROOM...at first, I was thinking--I can buy furniture...I can do this....I can do that....
No.  I don't want to.
Look.  It's November.  I try to do as little shopping as is humanly possible after the first week or two of November.  Even when it comes to grocery shopping.   I hate to add to any positive statistics about sales increasing during the 'holiday' season.

Number one: I don't want a lot of stuff to clutter up the new place.  I may bow down and buy another couch, since our current one is going in the basement for the kids--because the basement is the play area and there will be a minimum of toys allowed in the bedrooms (only stuff to sleep w)--which is why I wanted a basement in the first place! (Not to mention, yarn stash, fabric stash.....)
Number two: I hate making anyone's numbers 'look good', as if me going shopping in Nov/Dec can save the world by increasing someone's sales or something.

I have certain things I have committed myself to buying...a set of bunk-beds...an electric fireplace (or stove)...and a decent dining room set (which is going to be interesting to find considering what I am looking for w that....)...and a queen sized mattress set since E is getting the canopy bed and I am going to use the bed my dad gave us...and that will mean queen sized sheets as well...
I will also need to buy some shelving units, good ones....and at least three more bookcases--but these last two things are things I was planning to buy anyway regardless if we moved or not....

That's it.  Oh, no, it isn't.  I want new glasses, drinking glasses.  But that's not a big deal.  It's not as if we can't manage w what we have.

With this house, I can throw all our stuff in it, arrange said stuff, have room and more room, which I have missed (funny, how now we are leaving, issues w this house that have bothered me all along that I have ignored are now really bothering and rankling me), yada yada yada, I will be able to throw that house warming party.

Here's where I've been trying to head with this, really.

I can invite the ex, his sister and her family, R and anyone else I can pry loose from their houses (I have hermit friends--we hermits have to stick together :-) ) --the thing is--R and T can be in the same house, in the same room even.  They don't like each other.  T and R have never gotten along.  R and I have always been attached in one way or another, friends for 9 years now.  T didn't like R long before I got pregnant w N.  BUT, both men can be decent enough human beings to be in the same room together without making a scene.  It's very important to E that her cousins come to the new house.  And w this house, I won't feel like I'm crushing the girls into a small space w nothing for them to do.  There will be room for A to stay over now.  I still won't have cable or satellite tv.  I still won't own a game system--although R and I have been discussing the educational games for E on the Wii....

I know I can invite both men over at the same time.  It won't be a happy happy joy joy scene.  They are never going to be hugging good friends or anything.  But, it's not going to be horrid either.  They won't speak to one another if they don't have to, but they will both be decent for the sake of the others, for the sake of the kids.  I like that.

Not everyone can say similar things about their exs.  I don't think the other ex would tolerate R's presence for a second if he were involved in any capacity.  They worked together, when R and I weren't anything more than friends, and unless he had to or wanted something the ex never even spoke to R.  And I know he was spoken to several times about his unprofessional behavior towards R over the years.

It's kinda sucky to say that of the ex's between R and me, T is the most mature and grown-up.  He may not like R, but he won't cause a scene about things.  It's a good thing to know.  It's a good thing to have between all of us.

We are still taking bets about the conniption fit R's ex will have the first time she sees us together.  I like my odds on that bet.  The one that says she storms off and rants and raves at everyone else without a word to us.  She thinks I am the one who ruined their relationship.  Funny.  By her own admission, the relationship was over well before I even considered moving back to this area.  She just didn't break it off because nothing better had come along for her.  I fail to see how her inability to communicate and her fear of commitment has anything to do with me.  He was planning to buy her a ring--before I even thought of moving back--and she killed that idea real quick w her insane behavior--the whole ring idea, it was gone--before I ever considered moving back.

Let's not go off on a tangent there.  She is just so fun to watch.  She was always so uber concerned w what complete strangers thought about her.  Now, she is showing her true colors, and showing her a** to the entire world, becoming the butt of so many jokes from her own 'friends' it is almost shameful to watch.  So far, my odds on her are winning.  If she weren't so bloody insipid, I might feel bad for her.  That woman has some serious issues to deal with--that have nothing to do w me, or R, or anyone else but herself.  Actions prove it all out, baby.  This chick is proving out some very interesting things.

But--I do for her what I do for all my exs and for all the stupid people in my world--and it is an HONEST wish too, for my intentions are actually pure, as evil as that is, because I understand the breadth and width and depth of it:
I wish she gets everything she wants and thinks she deserves, for the rest of her life.

And with that. I will pat my own decent respectable trying to evolve and showing improvement ex on the back--because he is doing such a good job there, trying anyway....

Here's to a better future.