All day long, I have been thinking, I have to get to Jamie's site and make my wish--have to make my wish--I was busy fulfilling other wishes at that time--most in relation to the up-coming move.
Not to mention, today was a good day w work.
Almost every single reading I did today, for several people, not just one person, although the card continued to come up over several readings for one person, the card 'experiencing' came up.
I love that sort of synchronicity.
Usually if certain cards show up repeatedly over the day, it means the Universe is trying to reach out and conk me in the head as well.
What do you wish to experience?
I thought about this for a bit, after I saw Jamie's blog.
My very first thought was: I wish I didn't have to experience any more emotional turbulence for the rest of the month. Not like we are currently undergoing, at any rate.
It's not the move. Not really. It's a personality clash. Because today is not the first day things have malfunctioned. I've been off for weeks due to the elephant situation. To have the elephant leave as abruptly as it did did not drive a wedge between anything, but it did open up a lot of wounds that I have nowhere to go with anymore.
The problem is, I don't know for sure if I can continue along with things if this stuff keeps cropping up. Strange as it seems, that thought doesn't frighten me as much as it once did. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm not sure how much more I want to deal with. I've reached that point where stopping where we are and pushing things back to where they once were sounds more reasonable every day.
But that's not what I wish to experience.
I am much more clear on what I do not wish to experience rather than what I wish to experience.
I do wish to experience a smooth positive move this time. And I do not want to move again for a very long time, unless it is out of the city and away from people.
I do wish to embrace the entire NaNo experience. I am only 2000 words behind tonight--as in I haven't written a thing past an opening sentence yet tonight. My own personal goal is 2000 words per day, give or take.
I am loving the organic nature of this process though. Usually I write in the mornings. With NaNo, my muse has been dictating that I write before bed. Into the night. I know we are only four days into the process, but I have never written quite so consistently on only one project for this long before. I have done installment writings, as with my SoulFoodCafe writings. But I have never written with such concentration about one central story before.
I rather like it. I wish to embrace this entire experience, learn from it, grow from it, move forward with it in my heart and soul and just bloom forth.
Funny thing is, I have no desire to become the next Stephen King or Charlaine Harris, nor anyone else. I just want to write what I write and put it out there to be read by others. Being paid for that writing is just an amazing bonus.
My other wish is to experience a balanced bridge between the love of my life and myself. I can't deal with going to bed angry at one another. But I also can't deal with being treated like a simpleton or being trained the same way one trains dogs. I've never been in a relationship where things bothered me so much before, mostly because I never really invested in anything long term (including that marriage where, ya know, I sold my soul to the devil's b**ch for all those years).
There are days I truly understand why I never invested more of my heart in things. Because when I invest everything in something, it becomes too valuable...too sensitive...to difficult to control myself in relation...
It's one thing to invest everything in my children. It's a given your children will rip your heart out and eat it raw, leave you, come back to you, ignore you, love you, hate you, and then chose your nursing home...or in my case, which pasture I'm to be put out in...
It's another to break the barriers of true friendship and invest in a relationship with someone who already knows all the buttons to push--and then date them--so they learn how to push even more buttons and push them so much more deeply.
I wish to experience a release from the malaise that has hold of me, the one that came in July and that will not leave me. It's more than the miscarriage. There were other things that happened then. Things that still continue to happen that make me question the way things move in my universe.
I wish to find that one thing that keeps eluding me. I pray this new house holds the key to just that. At least I will be in a place where I again have some autonomy.
Brightest blessings to all.
