For some reason, the first thing I did was go visit Ces--or rather her blog. Sarah 'introduced' me to Ces, via one of Sarah's posts.
I don't think I have ever 'spoken' to Ces--mostly because I am intimidated. I do visit her blog as often as I can, because her work, her drawing, her painting, her writing/blogging, is ....like food for the soul. Then again, I usually go to her blog when I am feeling depressed and untalented--because I find her work so mind-boggling perfect and incredible--I hope to some day be able to do to trees what she does with simple pen and ink--she among many....
Makes me want to cry--I drew yesterday..I've been picking up the pencil a little bit more lately...but I am still not really getting as back into as I was before the whole "June issue" --but I am getting there. I stopped writing for years and years due to being utterly miserable--and then it was working for SBC and finding a new sort of misery and subjugation there that causes me to start writing again...so go figure...at least now I can say that it is joy and happiness that keep finding me and inspiring me....
This is just a random doodle...it had originally started out as a mandala...then became Mickey Mouse...then moved on again. I didn't notice until the day after I scrawled her out...but she has a tear running down one cheek, as if the pencil slipped and I never knew it...because I had no clue...
Now, here's the way I was planning to start this post today:
How do you know for sure I mean to move into a new house?
I told the ex, my son's dad. As bizarre as it seems, he is usually the first person I tell things to, or at least in the top two because some things I run past either my mother or father first....but normally T is the very first person to know the big stuff going on w me....
We can say it is all because of N--and truthfully that is most of it--the other part is I keep trying to lead by example w him--if I speak up and show him how communication is supposed to work, maybe he'll catch a clue. Hasn't worked to date (going on seven years now...) but hey--ya never know.
T was one of the first people I threw out the whole we're moving....because we'll be moving to the MO side of the river and I wanted to make sure he'd gotten over himself. I still don't trust him--but I do have faith in his willingness to be a lazy slug as long as no one pokes him w a stick or dump salt on him--which I have no intention of doing. I do not like the man--and I disapprove of way too many things...but I get to see my son and occasionally get information about my son--sometimes even pictures too...
I did not tell T once--I think I told him at least twice in email and I made a point to tell him in person too.
So, if there were any doubts about the fact I am moving up--let that doubt fall away.
We are dreaming bigger.
Not to mention, if the bf can swing the financials, we are aiming REALLY big--but that will mean a great deal of work on my side (mental, emotional, spiritual...) because I am still in limbo about living w anyone at all...much less him. Funny thing is, he and I have lived together before--merely as room-mates. As lovers, and as parents, it's a whole new ball-game--and one i want in one hand and am desperately afraid of in the other...as alike as we are, we are in many instances direct opposites...ahhh...I could go on and on there...and I know above all other things the second he says this is what we're doing and this is what you're doing I'll do it after kicking up a storm and him just basically talking me into anyway. The verbiage I would use here, he'd just force me into it, is just too brutal, because force is not anything that goes on in our relationship--it's more he pushes me through my fears whether I want to go or not to show me what I want on the other side of my fears anyway--because he can see through me and through my fears...
My friend Kerry and I have been talking about being on the cusp of things--and just how frustrating that can be.
It feels like everything is being turned upside down--and I keep getting hit with what other people term as 'negative' stuff--and I keep seeing it as positive--because if nothing else it is the Universe saying this is wrong for you--you need to do this...which in my mind is a GOOD thing...except when I get stuck in those darker moments and I am thinking am I forcing the positive spin on things because that is what I do -- am I forcing reality to be what I want it to be--or am I seeing things clearly enough to be able to say yes, definitely time to move on and be happy about things, rather than focusing on the not good and getting mired in it....I far prefer to move on and be happy than to dwell in the muck. I've had enough muck in my life. I have spent this past year clearing out more and more muck. I have spent this last year working on me and opening up different doors that I had shut long ago.
As I have been pondering here, it's time to walk fully through those doors, rather than just cracking them open to let a little tiny bit of light through. I am getting there. One step at a time.
Ahh--today we are taking the kids out to play...then the dog to the vet to get her shots (woo hoo for seven day a week vet clinics--maybe I can ask them about putting Cricket up for sale as well....I don't think I want to continue as a bird person once we move...but both R and I are fairly neutral where Crick is concerned--I jsut think the bird needs someone who knows more about birds and can take mo' better care of her...who can work w her and train her and whatever....)
I'm off for now--and oh yes--pictures of the two dresses I have here for wedding dresses are coming.....please stand by. :-)
