The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Total Rambling

Ok, now that I have finished writing all of this, let me apologize to Leah—because my fingers started moving and just did not quit as they wound their way through topic after unrelated topic…but I am sure glad they did….I am sure I am way way off topic all over…

Leah asks:
How are you moving energetically in your life right now? Is your energy more anxious and frenetic? Does it move in waves like the ocean? Is it more like a still lake?

This is just such a brilliant and apt question right now in my life. My entire life is turning round and round so much I almost feel as if I am caught in a whirlpool, only, as fast as this one is running, it feels gentle and calm and safe. It really feels good.

It took me this long, not quite a year, to get back into my own space, to start working for myself, to pick up old clients I had left before the move to MD, pick up new clients thanks to much word of mouth from former clients. Life is so good these days—and getting better.

I am so thankful that I don’t have so much stress in my life. I do not have to flinch every time the phone rings or worry about not being able to do anything because I have to work. Now, my work comes with me no matter where I go. Now, I catch the phone or not and don’t have to freak out about it, either way. Now I can leave my house, or in my case lately, take phone calls from friends that last for hours and hours and not worry about missing work. Now, I can take those ignorant calls from automated systems for the couple who used to have my phone number before I did and hit the right buttons, at least on some of the calls, to tell the system it has the wrong number.

I have noticed I have to retrain everyone in the house. My daughter no longer hyperventilates when the phone rings and I miss the call, but bird, dog and both kids still jump and holler when the phone rings so I don’t miss a call. Which is ‘fun’ as I have three telephones in the house at the moment, and sometimes, more than one rings at a time, just to keep me on my toes. As yet, all three have not rung at the same time—knock on wood.

I am finally (still) cleaning out all that extra garbage I have so long held onto, in the storage room, in my room, in the attic, in the car port. The whole nine. Moving so much stuff OUT and whether donating, selling, giving it away, throwing it away, whatever—it is SUCH an enlightening and empowering process. I am agog that it took me so long to reach this point where it just has to go—and I like it.

Although the boyfriend has started to pick on me about needing new black boots—the lace-up thigh high 4 inch spikes ones aren’t “good enough’ for me and all. I want some black boots I can wear w anything, because I will wear them w everything. And the black boots are meant for one thing really: to tease the heck out of him when I wear them. lol So—if he considers that ‘not good enough’ for me, I may have to not wear them again for a bit.

I have some interesting new devices throughout the house. We found a package of three electronic pest repellers at the thrift store, new in the box, and grabbed them. For $8, we figured, why not? So far, they work very well. The heavier bodied beetles and spiders are having issues—I hate that it repels my spiders, but it’s spiders or big nasty water beetles—and mice. So, bye-bye, spidey. Sorry. The thinner bodied spiders do not really seem to be affected—or maybe it takes longer for them to react to the noise. I felt so bad the other night. I walked into the kitchen and one of those heavy bodied brown spiders with the black and white stripes on it was sitting in the middle of the floor. It started to walk one way, kinda tripped a little, started another way, wobbled some more. I picked it up and put it outside. I don’t want them to suffer. The water bugs? I have caught 2 in the middle of the kitchen floor, doing the same thing. I shot them w pesticide. Sorry. The standard rule for bugs and other pests in my house—and I tell the ants every time I see them—is you and I will be fine if you stay outside. You enter my house, you get one chance. Then, if I see you again, you be dead. Other than directly on my roses only when the roses are about to die from chomping will I put pesticides on them. Otherwise, I use natural stuff outside—unless the moles are killing everything—so I am waiting and watching that since the rains killed all my castor bean seeds before they took off. Inside, I would much prefer to use all natural products—but we have—the bird. Which means all my studying essential oils and herbs and Ancient techniques amounts to –jack squat—because you can’t use stuff that stinks around the stinky bird. Honestly, joking aside, birds are highly sensitive to scents and cannot be around even slight smells sometimes—lest they die.

I was on the phone w a friend today. She was talking about trying to find out all her son’s email addresses to keep an eye on him, and it made me stop and think. I have roughly 20? maybe 30? email addresses. At one point, I had a separate email for every different job, hobby, certain one for friends, certain ones for writing, certain ones for this that and the other. It dawned on me today, here I am trying to cut down on the clutter and mayhem in my life and I still have all of this over my head. So, I went out and I deleted all the extraneous email accounts. I deleted all the extraneous blogs. I sifted through my inboxes and removed a whole bunch of stuff that was just sitting there—and unearthed a bunch of stuff I had forgotten was in there as well.

And the netbook, called ‘little red’ cause I am all about the little red riding hood thing for the moment, talk about mobility. And the webcam is cool too. It’s pretty good for something so small, although it claims to be a good camera for low level light—nope. Maybe we need to find different levels of lights to please it—but in full light the cam is awesome. Which means the boyfriend and I are in a lot of trouble together. Although, since the internet connection here is slow in so many directions, it is not perfect and there are times when one cam or the other, and sometimes both at the same time, will freeze for a few seconds. But, imagine when he and I live together, and we both have wireless computers (as he is planning to buy a new laptop here soon), in a house hooked up to wireless internet, where the connection is good. We may never get around to seeing one another in the flesh! lol Like either one of us could live without that…

There is so much light and love coming in this month. I think I told you about ordering all the homeschool curriculum and books.  I am still amazed with myself over that one. I cannot believe I waited so long before I started out on my own, work-wise. It’s not the first time I’ve done it, and definitely not the first time around here that I’ve done it, but this time instead of a part time, every here and there kind of thing, I do it constantly and consistently. I am also impressed by the people who found me through mutual friends and the phone book and who are reaching out, usually via email, and asking after things and still recommending me to others as well. There is no stopping me now. And this is all before I really start branching out and start working in the healing field again, which I prefer. Then again, more than half my current clients come to me not for the psychic stuff or the spiritual counseling stuff; they come for the energy work and the healing work that I do. Which is a good thing for me. I like it, makes me happy. I open myself up and work on me, providing the space for them to open themselves up and work on them. Win-win on both sides there. That’s all most healing is—allowing people to open themselves up and to let them believe they are stepping aside in their own process while in reality they are stepping forward to take care of things themselves.

The only thing I am really putting off is bathing the fat dog. Ken is getting BIG, and not in a boy, she’s coming into that barrel chest of hers or those big feet of hers big—big as in did you eat the whole McDonalds restaurant for two months in a row or what? Now, I will admit, she gets table scraps. If you ever heard my grandfather go off about commercial dog food, you’d understand why—especially since research proves out what Paps always said—a non-dog chow diet is healthier (if you know what you’re doing and make sure they get all their 4 foods groups, yada yada yada—I am not giving you the diet here—raw diets are easy to find online). But this is Ken, and she is a picky snot. She always has been. She eats because she’s stressed—she’s stressed because she’s jealous. Someone is w this dog all day and all night. She does go lay by herself now and then, but it normally doesn’t last long because she cannot tolerate being all alone. Her idea of alone is lying in front of the bird’s cage and letting Cricket squawk at her while Ken naps. We do not overload the dog—she overloads us. There are times I tell her to go sleep by herself, because I need the space.

When we came home after spending the night at the boyfriend’s house, I made sure to turn the air conditioner up before bed. And I was right. That dog, which usually either sleeps at the foot of the bed or in the hall where she can see E and me, slept, I kid you not, half on top of me, all freaking night long, until the alarm (the phone) went off at 8a the next morning. Then, she went outside, came back in, and literally wrapped herself around the base of my computer chair, which is on wheels, which she usually avoids sleeping too close to lest I forget she’s back there and almost run her over, cause she is fast and she does move the second this chair wiggles a smidge—and no—I’ve never actually run her over—unless you count the 6 inch fur on her tail—and when I did that—she slept through it so it wasn’t that traumatic!

Poor girl was a stray puppy. She was picked up not because she was starving, because she was still starved when we brought her home (also another reason she’s getting to be a big girl—a big girl going on a diet too), but because she wanted someone to pet her. She would still rather be loved on than anything else in the world.

How would you like to (be) moving through the world? Perhaps you could make a piece of art or write about what energy you'd like to embody more of. Or perhaps you could practice one small movement in the style of energy you want to live in.

How would I like to move through the world? Do I say faster? Do I say slower? Things are really moving at the moment. This is the normal pattern of things that happen around me. Zoom zoom zoom. (boyfriend, pregnant, new job) and then pause pause pause (time to reflect, time to negotiate, time to draw strength). For some reason, Patience is not my virtue, and yet I am too full of Patience at times, even the times when I should not be patient. And sometimes my patience comes from being afraid, so is that really patience?

I have spent the past six-seven years or so, give or take, waiting for some guy to show up in my life and be a responsible participating party (yes, my son turns 6 next month-and yes, even w his dad there, through the pregnancy-I was waiting for a real man to show up, because ya know…we won’t go there today…some days he tries his best…his best is just far far substandard for normal people is all….). Now, E and I have both listened to stupid people, especially that one who told me HER future happiness was contingent upon my own, upon me finding ‘that guy’ and bringing his friend into her life so she could be happy—sounds dumb, doesn’t it? But when you are put down and abused as much as the son’s dad did me –and mental and emotional abuse and blackmail is what I suffered at his hands—you are so willing to grasp any straw, any hope, believe any tidbit given….not to mention all the years of abuse suffered at the hands of the ex-husband which made me a perfect candidate to seek out someone as abusive as N’s dad in the first place (tell me it is not abusive to simply walk out the door, not say good-bye to anyone, child or adult, not explain where you’re going, and just be gone for hours—or to split without a word and then send pictures of wherever it is you are, say, a music concert—that your significant other had no clue was in town, much less that you were interested in it, nor that you intended to go—and the cop out of oh I thought I told you is utter hogwash—and not once or twice but consistently every time for months and months despite arguments and nagging about it from every quarter…. Yes, I apologize, I am on a roll and moving stuff out and about tonight!)

Then, out of nowhere, the best friend and I strike up a bargain. Best friends w benefits. Considering our past, not a big deal. Until BOOM we fall for one another. And as everyone around us keeps saying—it was inevitable and 99.999999% of everyone is shocked it didn’t happen a lot sooner…except that one ex gf of his who has thought since before she ever even met me that I am the anti-Christ, simply because I used to live w the man, and gave birth in his house…among other things…

I can go into detail here—about how some certain woman cannot get her head out of her own backside to see things past the end of her nose…and I am not relying on anyone else’s words for that—I am relying upon her own behavior in front of me on more than one occasion – behavior which if I didn’t feel so bad for the poor wench might be really freaking funny—because that one encounter still drops me to the floor w laughter. But still…I digress…

Notice I pulled up at least one old post that I had deleted recently? I think there are two more here somewhere—I have to put in the time to locate them. They will be coming back up too. I am tired of hiding who I was and who I am for the sake of others, especially other who don’t really mean anything to me. So, if you see old posts popping up, that’s why. No worries. it’s about me freeing me and being me and setting all this old worry and fear and angst on its ear and just—letting go—letting me fly…(I got that from Sarah, btw ).

One thing I am determined to do is be more myself. I am no longer that party girl I used to be—the ex hub killed that (the whole I love short skirts and high heels up until we get married thing—then I hate it and you look like a whore—yeah, he did do that—and blamed me when he did) –not to mention I have kids—and I am in a different space. I want to go out more. And since E, or E and N, normally come w us wherever we go, I cannot always go where I want to go. Let me be honest here—I live fairly close to where all the strip clubs are—not THAT close, but within a 10, 15 min drive, barring any trains. Which means there are uhm stores there as well. And I have a thing for lingerie that doesn’t stop. So, there is one store here I love, Romantix Intimate Boutique. Now, they sell a lot more than lingerie—and truthfully the boyfriend and I are rather exploratory at times so this isn’t a bad thing. Either way, I am not taking kids in there. No way I will leave kids in the car either—although I threaten now and then. And E has offered to stay in the car at times because she’s too tired/lazy to get out, especially if I just have to run in for something real quick—though not at this store cause we don’t go near it when the kids are w us. But, we have to wait til E is off spending the night somewhere before we go. After our last trip, we should be set for a bit. Although I am still thinking about one particular outfit…ahh me—it was pink and I am not really a pink kinda person. What am I saying—other than giving way TMI? Basically, I like to go out and do things, but have to moderate what I do.

The worst thing I can say I have done lately is have the boyfriend take us out and I ordered two margaritas –at Chevy’s Tex Mex—those who know will realize that those blue agave margaritas are why I now have E too. Wine was more responsible for N though, wine and stupid belief yet again in the “joys” of karmic connections…..not all karma is good karma, dude. Even when the boy (N) is such a total blessing….this last time at chevy’s I ordered a yummy peach grande frozen margarita – should have stopped—but I was eating and I was feeling good and the bf was there to watch me. I ordered a regular frozen watermelon margarita –because it sounded too weird NOT to try (it kinda tasted more of watermelon RIND than watermelon, but it was still surprisingly good) and because after trying to deal w the ex and all sorts of things on top, I was close to having a nervous break-down. I was tipsy only—I was not completely drunk. I was definitely feeling no pain. But I was careful. I was happy, thankfully, and a lot less likely to take garbage, but R was there and he didn’t let me do anything untoward. And E was cool. I do not recommend drinking in front of children, but this was my last resort sort of thing. Her presence allowed me to be more playful than I would have been otherwise, but anything else and R would have taken care of things. I keep making it sound like I was completely gone and I swear I wasn’t. I do not drink normally. I am very careful where alcohol is concerned. The fact that I was under that much stress and “needing” a drink says a great deal about my stress levels then. But, I have a good man, and I have a great kid. I am careful—please do not worry about the small fry. Plus, R took us home and put me to bed immediately anyway. If he weren’t there, I wouldn’t have touched a drop of anything stronger than sweet tea.

Ya know, none of that was why I started this segment. I started it to brag about this awesome Thai restaurant in Fairview Heights, IL, Tong Phoon. Oh my gosh—the food is STUNNINGLY good. Here’s where my whole living for me thing comes in—I ordered my usual fare—lots of veg, and a bit of meat tossed in for good measure (they put in a lot more than ‘a little’). I ordered the spicy green beans (long green beans, bell pepper, basil, and kaffir leaves in a red curry paste, with chicken, beef and shrimp). I ordered three stars hot. Normally, I do not eat very spicy foods. It’s not that I don’t like them or they don’t like me. It’s just easier for me to take the mild route. It has to do w the ex hub and his grilling—and his chili that I would slave to make chap your lips and still tasty hot and I did darned good at that too. Usually I steer away from spice because it may make me think of him—although it doesn’t these days—hasn’t for awhile either—but the behavior has gone on long enough to have become ingrained. When we went something in me said—try it hot. Have you ever eaten food so darned tasty you literally cannot stop eating it even after your lips are chapped, your gums are burning, and your esophagus is begging for mercy? BTW, my stomach was fine w everything, much to my surprise. (The Thai iced tea is good for counter-balancing the spice) I usually cannot eat everything on my plate, even on a I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning sort of day. My stomach isn’t set up that way. I wanted to stop eating long before I did—but it was SO good I could not stop. And I did have some left over, but not very much. When I had the left-overs today for lunch the rice had absorbed the curry—it wasn’t lip chapping hot—although it still had a lot of snap to it—but it was so tasty even reheated—it’s unbelievable. I highly highly recommend this place. And even though I said next time we go (which will be soon too) I would order no more than 2 stars—I am already craving a 3 star hot dish again. Not to mention, on our last journey through global foods, I grabbed some extra hot curry spices. Technically, I could make my own, but …still…I’d rather go back and let them do it—they make everything so well …

Want to know how you can tell it was really good? As spicy as my curry was, E ate rice dipped in it—and she also dipped rice in R’s 2 star curry (he had a different dish) –then by the end she was dipping her chicken nuggets in my red curry too. She LOVED it. And did you seenotice—they have meals for kids. She was upset she didn’t slow down long enough to know they would have given her rice instead of fries w her nuggets. She is so used to ordering chicken and fries. She knows for next time though. And is looking forward to going too.

Movement, you say? Movement? We are all about movement these days. The boyfriend is getting unstuck. People are calling for job interviews and whatnot. He is finally out—or rather coming out—of his major unhappy place. We are not going camping for a bit, until he exchanges his tent (bad zipper) , but we are going canoeing. The small fry has been after him for awhile about this. I wonder if I should remind him to take a fishing pole too, since he promised to teach her to fish awhile ago.

And due to all the stress in my current life, what w the miscarriage and N starting public school (and getting shoved ever deeper into a stupid box and made be ‘just like everyone else’), the stress my boyfriend has been under—when he’s stressed I am stressed. Our connection really is that deep. I wish I could do more to help him, but I do what I can and he says it helps, due to all of this and more—just fighting E over her room is enough to drive me over the edge most days….we are taking a little mini vacation. My original intent was actually buy a car and drive for a day or two, find a place to stay, stay for a few days, come home. Or take a train for a week. Or take a plane somewhere, rent a car, find a cabin and be alone w the girl out of the way of humans—a cabin in the woods for a week. I have since modified this. I know I want to run, so I told the bf. It’s hard to love someone this much, where he can make one statement and I want to immediately change plans to keep him from hurting over my insanity. I am trying to work on the man for three or four days, but so far it looks more like a weekend trip, not a four day weekend trip. It scared him I wanted to run; I can’t do that to him, especially when I know why I want to run. I asked him along. And if I get persnickety about things, I can tell him I did it so he’d have to drive, because I still am not able emotionally to stand the thought of driving all by myself, especially not w E in the car. But, we are taking our little mini family vacation, after we go canoeing next week—of course now he is saying the canoeing may cure me of my ills so that I don’t want to find that cabin at all, but I know me a little better—he may know me better than anyone else-but not better than I do—well—not all the time anyway. A cabin in the woods, with hiking, and as much as the bf balks, horse back riding, lots of Nature. I even told the kid no tv and that THRILLED her—made her very happy. Can you imagine? Isn’t that just great? lol That kid, she drives me so crazy some days, but I love her to pieces.

Just noticing how you move through your day might be a place to start. In this moment, take a breath and check-in. What's your energy like right now?

Now, right now, this is the end of my day. I spent the day on the phone literally. Over nine hours of talking, and that doesn’t count my one friend either. I had a blast. It sounds so silly, but I really did. It was a good day.

Do you know, I found out I was still carrying an email account where I was using the ex’s name as my own? Can you imagine the load that fell away as I deleted that account? All the old stuff, the old debris, associated w that man and our time together…the last connection…now severed. It’s a very great experience.

Plus, I took a few steps towards opening my other business as well. This one is utterly unrelated to spiritual counseling or healing work, technically. It’s good to have many talents. I am not going to talk much about this one right now, because there are still a lot of minor details to hammer down and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I did get complimented more than once on my solid business head—which amazes me-but hey, all that research surely pays off somewhere, right?

Do you know, I can sell documents through ether? PDFs. That opens up this incredible range of things there. Intersting.

I know ether has no control over the people who call me. That’s not their job. Plus, they do give me a ton of tools to block callers and other things. Therefore, I am not faulting them. Oh no. Ether I love. I have been contemplating pulling all my accepted listings from the ether directory. I am not really sure what about healing in general, or counseling of any nature, especially spiritual counseling, makes people think, hey, let me call and get this one to talk about graphic sex w me. Uhm. I do not do that. I have a one star rating because I would not talk this guy through his masturbation and I told him I would not before I politely hung up on him. What about I am sorry, but I’m not the right person for this call. This is not what I do. I am hanging up now. is so incomprehensible? But in order to keep up the blog there I have to have at least one valid ether directory listing, so I am not going to worry about it. I will keep hanging up politely on people and blocking them from calling me again. And if I get a poor rating, reporting them to ether over it. I am cool with that.

Well, then, lost in translation again. I was going to say, this is the end of a very busy day. My energy is still kinda high actually. I am feeling really way too good. Plus, I still have a meeting to attend in an hour or two. I love to appear when things are about to get Biblical on someone else. Watching He on High mete out Punishment is quite the learning experience, in case there is any doubt about why I do what I do or why.

I really need to actually read the manual that came w my netbook. I am interested in the languages the book is printed in: English, French and Dutch. Dutch. I had to look it up to see which language it was. At first glance, I had assumed it was German, until I saw the page tag that said “Nederlands”. Very interesting.

I would like to tell you I am so tired and ready for bed, but I am ready for a shower, which will wake me up even as it shuts me down. I am looking forward to reading some more, even if it is the manual here.

So, not at all what I was planning to write in response to Leah. And uhm totally way longer than I had planned or assumed. But I am in chatty mode and I haven’t posted in awhile, or least not on a regular basis.

I think this may mean everyone is all caught up now. So, I am off to shower and to bed, to read for a bit. But still.

Hopefully, I will finish all my transcription by tomorrow and will have more stories to show for it, although some were published today, and yesterday, on the other blogs. See if you can find them. If you’re interested. Or not. Cause now I am starting to wind down and get tired.

Until next time then….