Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Having To Take More Than A Step Back Today
Jamie quite frequently comes up with questions that make me pause and step away from my computer for awhile to ponder things.
That I am used to. I am also used to her asking questions that I myself have been pondering for days or sometimes even weeks before she asks the question.
Today's wishcasting Wednesday brings us to a topic that I have been pondering for years and years ..... and years.... and every time I touch upon this subject, I have to wonder about things. About myself. About my life. Nowadays, about my children.
About who I am now. I about who I plan to be in the future. About how much I am willing to shift and compromise for the man I love. And how much shifting I will allow with this relationship, without compromising myself or my integrity.
Today, the undauntable Jamie Ridler today asks of we Wishcasters of Wednesdays:
Who is the “you” you wish to be?
I looked at her post when I first got out of bed this morning.
I looked at it before we left the house to run to the post office to pick up a flower girl dress for my daughter...
I thought about it all day.
I looked at it again when we got home, just to reacquaint myself with the question, lest I somehow have forgotten it in the meanwhile.
I kept thinking....
I am not happy in my life right now.
Isn't it funny how we spend so much time wishing for things, and when they come we find out we weren't wishing BIG enough?
I find myself in that situation right now.
I need to wish BIGGER.
Alot bigger, apparently.
I wished to work for myself--and am doing a very fine job of it. I should have wished for more, because what I have is not enough. The money is more than good; the direction is fine. Please do not get me wrong--I am so grateful as it is. But there is a whole other side to my life that I left in the shadows and the dust that longs to come out and be heard.
I wished to be closer to my son, both in location and in a spiritual/mental aspect. Wished to own my own home. Wished to have a good man in my life.
I have all those things. And I wish now for more.
More time w my son. More closeness with him.
A bigger house, in a different location--w far fewer neighbors and a much bigger taller fence, if possible.
That good man--he's still good--and I wouldn't change a thing about him. I do wish I could understand why things are so much more--complex with him than with any other relationship I have ever had. I wish I could put my finger on what it is I need to actually feel completely secure in things here.
And that I know stems from the fact that I must trust my self and trust in myself more.
I am leading up to something, really, and I do not mean to take up too much time. I have spent the past couple weeks pondering this thing about who I am and who I want to be.
I finished reading "Living Your Unlived Life" by Robert A Johnson the other day. I am going to go back and repeat a few of the exercises--but basically the whole premise of the book is --this very question.
In the process of buying all the books for E for her 'coming' school year, I bought myself school books as well. I listen to my subconscious ALOT. And I trust my instincts. I bought a book on technical writing, and I for the life of me still cannot tell you why.
My schedule has been off for a couple weeks now. Ever since June. Ever since things happened. I haven't found my stride again yet. I am getting there. And R is really doing everything in his power to help me, the poor guy.
I could take the easy route and tell you I want to be the person he thinks I am already, but that is far too facile for me. Plus, I want more.
This wish has to take into account who I am right this minute. As well as the person I am wishing to become, right at this minute. All of which is subject to change a second from now, a nanosecond from now, much less a day, a week or whatever.
I wish to be the person I see myself as in my head.
I am not Wonder Woman. I am not Super Mom. I am not Lolita with the siren red lipstick. I am not Sylvia Plath (mostly because I could not get up at that hour to write and then keep my house that clean on top of everything) nor Emily Dickinson (no matter how much I envy her her ability to never have to leave her home if she chose not to). I am not Marie-Antoinette nor Mary Queen of Scots nor Queen Elizabeth.
All these things I am not...and uhm yes, I have been compared to every example I put out there, and not always in a positive manner at all. Believe it or not. Then again, I am still the only person I honestly know of who has been accused of doing too much to take care of her children and not enough to take care of her own personal (as in need to get out and go party and have a life without the kids) needs....but still....
I wish to continue to be the person I am--the one who lives by my ethics and my rules and my morals. I wish to be the person who absolutely and without hesitation trusts her self and her intuition.
I wish to be strong and reliable and darn near invincible when it comes to taking care of my responsibilities. I wish to forget ever second guessing myself ever again.
I wish to lay down all these things that worry me. I wish to be confident and clear and focused at all times.
I wish to remember at all times how very powerful I am.
I wish to be confident and self-assured and reassured.
And I wish like nobodies business I would get up in the morning and start writing, instead of fighting through things in my brain and staying up too late and not getting any work done in the mornings...and then guilt-tripping all over myself for not doing what I know I should have done in the first place.....
Ok, so I do wish to be more of the person my bf thinks I am--and more of the person my dd and ds think I am--and more of the person I keep pushing myself to be, even though I always seem to fall short of my own desires, even though I know I am capable.....
I wish I could find the peace within my soul to be the person I know I am--to believe that I am the person I am and that person is the person I want to be.....
That's my wish.
So mote it be.