Thursday, August 20, 2009
So, The Bomb Has Gone Off
At least the one in my brain.
I am not 'blaming' all of this on Jamie either.
Now, her questions might be the fulcrum that gets me moving some days...I will not deny that...and she sure has that knack for asking the questions that I ask myself and that I need to answer--questions that without her prompting I might leave eddying around in my brain....
So, maybe, maybe, I will just tease her and say, well, she started it! But please know, I mean this in jest, and am not blaming anything on her for real.
Jamie is truly a great Enchantress; she knows just where to lead people to spark ideas and thoughts and visions. She is genuinely magical. I am privileged to be included in her endeavors.
Now, I am not promising short today.
I have about a trillion things bombarding my brain lately.
And yes, these things have been coming, and I've known it. I was thinking I had more time with things and apparently I don't. Which if you've ever read this blog, you know, that's how things work for me. I get BOOM BOOM BOOM and everything falls into place.
I keep getting the same feeling....before the truck accident happened last November. Only this time, I am watching and seeing the signs, loud and clear.
It sounds horrible to say, but, when I bought this house, I never expected to be here more than 3-5 years. When we were in the process of moving into the house, when E and I came the first time from WV all by ourselves, where everything worked out well and we made it here fine and everything, she asked me how long we would be living here...my automatic intuitive answer was 3-5 years.
I had a reading a few months after moving in and the reader said I'd be here about a year. We're coming up on a year now. I didn't believe her at the time, not really. I scoffed. What was going to make me choose to give up my own freedom and leave? Other than a man and another house...and a man willing to pay to move all this stuff since I still to this day refuse to contemplate packing and loading and killing myself the way I did last time....much less the whole I am not touching a moving truck ever again in my life....
When we moved into this house, there were options available to us. There was still a certain man that could have come through to us, could have been 'the one' who swept me off my feet, married me, got us all settled and shot for the rescue ranch and everything else...and R was supposed to come later...after my marriage to the first guy and his marriage to a new girl all on his own (and for one certain person's sake-no, he was meant to find someone after you because of the way you acted for the past couple years--years--not months, not weeks, but yes, years....).
That was the way it was read for us when we moved her. That was the way it was read for him. In fact, the fact that he and I were going to get together--and have at least one kid together--after going our separate ways in other marriages first--really surprised me.
From the moment I met this man, I knew he was going to be in my life for the rest of my life in one way or another. I had always assumed we would just be friends. I never ever thought there's be a romantic connection. I never actually thought I was good enough for him. I also never really thought he thought about me that way. Despite all our joking and teasing to the contrary.
I made different choices. I allowed -- no-- I purposely closed the door on one man and opened it far more fully to the other. I am more than happy w R. I may not understand why things are so bizarrely crystalline and why things that have never bothered me before in any other relationship suddenly take on a whole new life of their own when in relation to him. But then again, I have never been in such a raw and honest relationship before either--so I can see the logic behind the cacophony of emotion that arises. Not to mention, I have had very little actual safety in my life--when I am with him, near him, in his arms, I am Safe, capital S. He says I do the same for him--and I really hope that I do.
Just as the Universe keeps pushing me in one direction these past weeks, so has the Universe made sure, especially today, from a variety of sources, to let me know that I am loved and fully supported.
I keep getting the reminders I need from the people I will instinctively listen to...as well as others...everyone around me...cheering me on. And, yes, alot of this I can blame on Jamie, as without Wishcasting Wednesdays I don't really know where I would be. :-)
I need to get my head clear. :-) After what I wrote for wishcasting yesterday, the one thing that keeps barreling through my head is -- you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger--you have to dream bigger.....
As I told one friend today, I know the dreams are inside me. I just have to find them and drag them out.
So, this is where I am heading today...to locate my dreams, probably hiding and cowering in the darkest recesses of my heart and brain, afraid to see the light of day, lest they actually draw breath and become real....failure is really so much easier than success...but failure no longer lives here...only good things this way come...I have spent too many years wallowing in the guilt and pain from and of others...I must shake off their shackles, the ones I took upon myself and claimed as my own....here's to freedom...and to clarity....
I'll let you know what comes of things...as I reach them myself.....