Thank goodness for facebook—I’d forgotten it was Wednesday. Yesterday was R’s birthday, but we really didn’t do anything because he had work/bowling/etc…so the family birthday celebration is tonight once he gets off work…I’ve been more focused on that this morning…that and making a pot of tea …soon…it has to be ready soon…
But, I did scan my news feed on facebook—where I saw Jamie’s work and today’s wishcasting ‘agenda’—which made me just laugh—because, darn it, Jamie the All Knowing and All Powerful hit the nail on the head w this one again. She always just knows exactly what to ask…and so many of us say that at any given time too…which is the other beautiful wonder about her…
So, today’s question and wish is:
What story do you wish to live or let go of?
It’s so funny, because this is my month to crack things open. February has always been my month for these things. February is my literal New Year. Not only is my birthday in February, but at least part of the time, Chinese and/or Lunar New Year’s falls in February as well. Yes, I know…I haven’t finished my post about the Full Wolf Moon, which has all sorts of things ready for me there. That’s coming later.
I’ve been working on setting things up in a different way in my life…well…for years…but ever since I started to work for myself on my own, I have been implementing some amazing changes. I have wonderful clients, who will support me and continue to seek me out as I make these changes. I also have the backing of the most incredible man, who always has my back. So, making the changes is not necessarily as scary as it may come across…I am just unnecessarily wary of making changes…even when I know it is for my own good.
The past week has been about clearing things out, physically, emotionally, you name it. I have been trying to set up a sacred space for myself – one that travels between houses – as well as one that sticks w me no matter where I am or where I go. I know I have spoken here and there, for awhile, yes, but more lately, about paring down my so-called ‘responsibilities’ and ‘duties’ and whatnot…making room for the things –and people—that I love and appreciate—as well as keeping open the space I need for my family, my children, myself.
I started out by making notes about what I expect of myself every day, day by day. I really do do much better w a hand-held, hand-written schedule…although it does help if I look at the darned thing periodically…and I was appalled by the things I wanted to do versus the things I felt obligated to do. I was ashamed by the list of people I want/need to write/email—and haven’t yet…some of them have been waiting more than weeks to hear from me too…I was ashamed to see the people I want to support and show love to that I barely even acknowledge other than in my head…when I know they need/want actual visible support…I have been feeling selfish about wanting to take the time to spend w my boyfriend and children…feeling it was a better thing to be available to clients…rather than to my family or my home or my art…
I have been taking steps, small ones, yes, but each tiny baby step always has a meaning and an energy and a purpose…I may be one heck of a procrastinator…but ye gods and little fishes…just you wait til I get going…
I have a slew of notes sitting here waiting to be turned into articles for my work blog…among other things. I have a friend who is encouraging me to actually publish more and in more varied places than I had anticipated or considered…my fingernails are starting to grow back (after the moving and the unpacking and the stress/etc) and I am starting to feel human again…dark green and dark blue nail polish does that for me.
I have one novel in editing phase…rewrite and edit phase really. I have another novel just started, completely plotted but still very open. I have goals set for self-publishing the poetry that has been sitting around here since I was in high school. I have knitting patterns to test knit—a cabled hat to finish for R before Friday—not going to happen, but I will have a simple hat done for him by then…I have to start that tonight, but it’s a simple pattern…I have clay calling out for my hands…I have drawing pens and pencils and paints waiting for my hand…I have pictures taken the other evening when we went to the Chinese restaurant (I can’t remember the name—but it’s the good one by Cheap Trx tattoo)…
I have a family that I get to spend every evening with so we can actually cook together and sit down and eat together and just sit and talk to one another. I actually have a man who will sit down and play games w the kids and me…like rummikub or trivial pursuit or clue or anything like that…it’s awesome...R just made it completely impossible for me to want to sleep at my own house. We got rid of the water bed mattress and now have a memory foam mattress…we set it up last night. I love it.
R is a big part of the reason I am able to make the changes I want to make. Here’s a man who is planning to take me to see ‘Avenue Q’ and ‘Young Frankenstein’ at the Fox theatre. Next bowling season, every Tuesday night we are going to be there w him, watching him bowl. I am not consistent enough to request to be on a league or anything, but watching him and talking to people works for me. I am actually getting out more…the man I am with actually wants to do stuff w me…not hide me from his … whatevers…not too cheap to take me out anywhere…someone who is more than proud to be seen w me…even w the kids tagging along…this man is priceless.
I am all about my family and my home. My art is simply a part of me. A jump off place for me to get started to help support my home and family.
What does all this mean? Yeah—I know—I ramble—but it helps me get things out and get them more in focus, put things more into perspective.
What I wish for is to actually be the person I want to be. I want to write more. I want to spend more quality time w my family (yes, I am a stay at home mom who works from home and I want more time). I want to make more time for my art…for my real work…
Funny thing is…as I write my wish here…I have already set the wheels in motion to make this wish come true…I have cleaned up different blog readers (the way I get blog postings, not people who read my blogs)…a lot of stuff I cut out during the move to cut down on clutter…the ones I liked I kept and I haven’t really been missing the others…it’s sad to say. I am marketing more…I am networking more…I am having more time for friends…I have changed my work schedule, re-arranging clients more and leaving more time for my art work.
I keep forgetting. I have a network in place. I simply have to make use of it. I wish to remember to make use of all the …possibilities… set before me, that I have on hand.
Blessings.
