I think I shall begin w the boring old update here…week-ends here are so hectic and this past week-end gave new definition to the whole view of hectic. Saturday ended w an interesting migraine—note to self—do not just take a big whiff when the love of my life hands me a candle and says smell this…that’s not always a good thing. I am too sensitive to smells at times…and this was of course one of those times.
Yes, I missed posting on the Full Wolf Moon. Doesn’t mean I missed the Full Moon…I have a picture in my head…which is funny and strange all of itself…not to mention…I have all sorts of pictures and what have yous sitting on my bed at my house, waiting to be turned into a collage…When N is here for the week-end I really have no desire to pull out glue or scissors or anything else at the moment. Never fear—the artwork is coming.
Verbal preview: a flower, blooming. Yep. It’s that simple. And I love that whole image of it…I do believe Leah Piken Kalidas http://creativeeveryday.com/
did inspire me w flowers she has drawn/painted in the past…but that one image is extremely evocative for me at the moment.
I don’t know how I am going to get the picture to you once it is done…the cables for my scanner/printer are…in a box, to be sure…the only boxes waiting on me yet—other than E’s boxes—are the living room/dvds—but I don’t doubt I have all the cords I need coiled in a pile under my computer desk waiting for me to come figure them out—or waiting for me to whine an pout and beg my boyfriend to take care of it for me…
Which reminds me—need to make a note of that—I need the cords for my external hard-drive here soon. I have been so upset over the loss of my original art work after last year’s incident…anyone else see the significance of these things happening in November other than me? I am not really like other people…November is more of my spiritual spring time than it is a time for stepping into winter hibernation—it’s as if I must shed all the negative before entering into my shell—as when I burst free beautiful things are always waiting. I am very much looking forward to my continued journey—but more on that in a moment…
What with the week-end as hectic as it was—because please do not think we stopped or slowed down after Saturday—we just didn’t do everything w both kids in tow. Praise be to the ex—as long as we are not dating or living together--he can be a pretty decent guy. He watched both kids this Sunday so R and I could go pick up furniture in the truck. Even though it took twice as long as I had thought it would take, he didn’t complain or gripe or anything. He was kind and nice about things. I like when things go nicely between us—it IS possible—if he lets it. Now, as hectic as the week-end was, Monday wasn’t slow either. I had to take the truck in to get keys made for it, as it has the keys w the chips in them so you can’t just go to any old locksmith and say hey cut me out a couple…well, you can…but they won’t work if you do.
Oh. Speaking of which, I cannot recommend Bommarito Nissan in Hazelwood, MO, highly enough. Talk about excellent excellent customer service. And it wasn’t just the way every single person in that building, from the receptionist to all the mechanics I came into contact with behaved towards me—but it was the way these people treated the other customers in the building as well. Plus, how can it suck when they have free fresh-ground Starbucks coffee—in a machine, hence, the fresh ground is a literal thing there—and fresh thick chocolate chip cookies in the waiting room, where there is a big screen tv, tons of magazines and books—including so much for younger children too.
Now, once I get all the details lined up—and since we are not yet done dealing w them as they have not yet finished holding up the remnants of their end of the bargain—but once I do, I will; be more than happy to explain why we will never ever do business w Don Brown Chevrolet on S Kingshighway in St Louis. They didn’t drop the ball once, or twice, or even three times…they dropped the ball at every opportunity—except the very first night we were there when we test-drove the truck…as good as Bommarito is—Don Brown is their direct opposite—in every way. Sheesh. Details forthcoming…oh yes.
Anyway. The girl and I went shopping in between that task, just a little. I am looking for something specific for R and can’t really find what I want yet. So, I’m driving myself crazy.
It’s his birthday—and he’s threatening to kill me…in spite of himself. Lol
The computer chair counts as his birthday. I also got him a book he has been wanting. We found a meat slicer this Saturday while we were out…and despite the fact neither of us celebrates Valentine’s Day (for the same reason—if that’s the one and only day of the year you show your appreciation for your partner—you are doing something wrong….more on this later too), he agreed to let me buy it as a combo birthday-Valentine’s day present…I am very glad he spazzed and is not counting all the clothes I just bought him as birthday too…or else I really would be in a great deal of trouble…oh, did you think I was joking about going out and buying him clothes? Lol none of them are at my house…and most of them were work clothes anyway…but still…eventually he will start leaving stuff at my house, because we are starting to use my house more for things and it will be easier for him to come straight to my house for dinner than it will be for him to go back to his place, change and come over…if the old gimp dog could walk better, I’d have him at my house more often…but the walk is far too hard for him…no matter what he tells me.
This week-end was really awesome though. I told N that it was family shopping day. Any time we leave the house on the week-end, N automatically starts to panic about it being time to take him back to his dad’s house. He fights us all the way, up to a certain point, when the lethargy and defeat hit him and it becomes just take me to my dad’s house now, just take me there…since he knows there is no way out of that…I feel for the little guy, I do, but as I tell him, these are the things we must do.
Let’s see. We went to gods know how many stores…checked out furniture…clothing…decorations…I think I have all the rugs I want for now…I still think I will need one more in the basement, but right now that is not a big deal.
We got all the basic furniture—the only thing still on the list is E’s loft bed. And since she has a bed set up, she’s good until we get it. Plus, she is still happy she has a dresser of her own at R’s house too, thanks to the next door neighbor. Now, there is a bunch of stuff I need to put together…from the dvd holders to the new chairs for the old table…to the new table….we started on N’s bed last night, only to find that we are missing some hardware—so that was the first thing I took care of this morning. At least we got a good head-start on things.
R is leaving for his annual ski trip this Fri…so I am trying not to put too much pressure on him to do this or put that together…although, there are times when the Universe is so interesting…I love watching the way things come together to help show my own point of views on things…and guide us that much closer…guide me especially…that much closer to things I have long wanted to do…good things happen every day, even when they don’t look like good things on the surface…most of the stuff w the furniture I can do on my own. I’ll be watching dogs, so I am not sure how much time will be spent at either house…either way, this coming week is going to be pretty unique…
I think the old man is physically getting worse (the gimp dog), but it’s a physical thing…his mind is still all there. And it isn’t pain that gets him (or me)—I really think we are looking at nerve damage. Pain I would get; I’m an empathy…he can’t hide that stuff from me…I’ve known him for too long.
Anyway. You want to have fun w my kids, take them to a hardware store. Seriously. I have never seen two people so gonzo for wheels before—just the little (and not so little) tires that go on wheel barrows, trailers, tractors, wagons…whatever. Both kids had a total field day playing w the darned wheels. We bought one of the pony trailer things for the truck…sort of a basket carrier for the rear. R and I are both really loving that truck…she drives like a dream…she’s like a big cat, with so much power at her command and yet we keep her contained…but you just know that power is there for the asking. Not to mention, R and I are both just cowboys at heart—we just like the whole truck feel.
N, however, was the spectacular one. When he first saw the truck, he thought she was pretty—but he was mad. We didn’t have the third set of seats up. He wanted to sit in the third row seat. The punk. That was Friday…on Saturday when we went out, we made sure he could sit in his third row seat—and he LOVED it. WOW! Was his response…of course, she is a lot prettier in the daylight too. The boy is way too happy about that truck—even when we make him sit in the second row seat—which we had to do Saturday…
You should see R w his new slicer. We went out last night to buy meat—and came back w $20 worth of roast (that’s over 6 lbs)…we have so much raw meat soaking in the fridge right now…marinating in his own special brew…which I will totally take credit for helping w a few suggestions…but it is still magnificence even w/out my suggestions.
Oh…let me re-tread some ground here. The destroyed art work…on my external drive…do you know, thanks to my lovely friend Sarah http://rowenleaf.blogspot.com/
It just recently dawned on me that I can make prints of those original pieces…since I have the photos of them and all…and sell the prints…We bought something from Sarah once and she sent along a postcard print as well…it took me this long to catch a clue…not to mention, here I have been worrying about the next phase of my ‘evolution’…the business side of it…and it dawned on me, after many days of tossing and turning and pondering…I have my ‘logo’—I have my epiphany moment…I have my focal point…for all the little facets of my business—and I have had it for quite some time…my tree…my heart’s blood tree (although I don’t think that is the ‘original’ name of it—but still)…this has lead me into research about different printers 9for us to buy no less), as well as different printing services available locally…which is also merely a matter of time…
It is strange to say that once I had that piece, everything else slowly began to fall into place. Although there is a black and white version that seems to careen through my head periodically…so I will be examining that later on as well.
Hectic. Things have been so hectic. Like reading my news feed on facebook. So many things to read…so many things to keep up w…I finished reading ‘Entre Nous” (see previous post) yesterday…while in the Bommarito waiting room no less. It’s absolutely hysterical to me to read this book all the way through…too much of that I already do and the other bits I don’t already do, I aspire to do…funny that. One thing about this book that continually threw me was the “Latin blood” flowing in the French veins…well..duh…it makes sense…even though my People came from the Alsace/Lorraine region (read that as more Germanic) … but that one vital detail never pervaded my brain until I read this book. Quite interesting.
I keep looking around myself here locally…as I work to recycle more, reuse more, buy more locally, rely less upon the internet….all of that…and I see strange things. R likes a certain type of shorts…which they don’t actually make the way he likes them anymore…last year he was irked because the shorts he likes are now being made longer than he likes…so this is the prevailing theme I am running up against…”culture” dictates we wear the shorts longer, whether we like it or not (that I can hem his shorts is not the issue here—the issue is wanting to buy a specific thing and you can’t)…I went to fill out some form for something the other day, only to be told that ‘we only handle these things online now’ and that there is no actual paper form anymore. Excuse me? I have a friend who is job hunting—she is having trouble finding websites for major companies, or what we consider major companies—but the local agency here cannot help me if I am not online? Big business do not feel the need to have an online presence—and yet—I can’t fill out a simple form in person, because ‘we prefer to do things online’? Ok. I’ve said it before—and I mean it much more now after reading this book (“Entre Nous”)—I live in the wrong country. However, I have made a pledge to R—and until his family moves or dies out—I am fairly much stuck here. Which actually is cool—since I’m happy wherever he is. I will simply have to do things my own way—in spite of the crowd. And those who know me know—that is not a real issue—letting go of the guilt associated w some people and their comments…like w the homeschooling and vaccinations and all those happy things…but…as I am growing older, I am growing more into myself…and I am growing wiser…I feel much better about not only myself…but about everything…
See, this is a magnificent time in my life. For the past week or so, I have been trying to determine what is important to me…even down to my online visibility. Now, I will admit some of the memes in which I participate are simply to get my name out there—not that they aren’t fun and all…but some of them really are a waste of time…and then there are those I check every day or so to see when they are returning, like my dear Texty Ladies http://www.textyladies.com/
Plus, there are some I try not to miss, like Jamie Ridler and her Wishcasting Wednesdays and Full Moon Dreamboards http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/
Sometimes I get so focused on the I have to do this that I miss out on the fact that I don’t have to do this…I spend too much time trying to catch up w myself and not enough realizing I need to take more time for me in the first place…and in fighting w myself over certain memes and whatnots, I frequently miss out on the blogs I like to see and interact w, like Hybrid J http://hybridj.blogspot.com/
So, I am re-accessing things in the online ‘verse.
Another thing that has been wandering around in my head since before the move from across the river to here is my work hours. I sort of accepted an ex’s form of time management when it comes to clients…and I shouldn’t have. I could say last week, but it’s been months, when I actually decided to take more time off from work and spend more time working on my other careers and my other pursuits (Yoga, Yoga, Yoga) … and as I shift from my counseling work into my artistic work, I am finding I need that space and that time…not to mention, we go back again to the fact that I am going to have tiny babies ‘round here soon and clients in person or by phone are not going to be acceptable…I can do my job now based upon the fact that my kids are older and can be trusted for 20 mins to an hour, give or take, without major incidents…add an infant to that mix, and forget about it.
I am very lucky in the fact that I have such a solid client base. I am very lucky in that I have some stellar friends and partners who support me and guide me. I am more than lucky to have a boyfriend who will stand by me no matter what I do—or why I do it—so long as I am not too crazy. If I go to jump off a cliff, whether all my friends are doing it or not, he will be the one –not to say no don’t do that—he’ll say do you have this equipment, have you checked the weather, have you thought about that…you have? Well, tell me when you’re going to jump so I can take pictures….that’s my man. That’s a real man.
I am struck again and again by how incredibly lucky I am to have this man in my life. I wake up every morning, smiling—and for those who know me—never can the term ‘morning person’ be applied to me. N is a morning person. E and I, well, vampires are to the night, now, aren’t we? I am actually more productive in the afternoon. I prefer to give R my time and attention in the evening. N will roll over in the morning giggling and ready to play. I roll over in the morning, anxious to retrieve that snippet of sleep and maintain the proper body heat once R has left the bed…for me to awaken smiling is…more than just a miracle.
The first days of February suck for me normally. They have for now sixteen years. That means in two years, someone is going to be looking for me. I have spent my life running and hiding. Not even two years ago, I decided to stop that…to hold my head up high and live for myself…and to give hope a chance that something will develop and come forth from all the years of agony I suffered w the ex…some day that Miracle will return to me and we can at least talk and be friends…R’s birthday is today. As I have told him before, I never remember his birthday—I always lumped it in w February 3 (1994) and I tend to skip that day…skip over…skip past…ignore it…although there have been times when I gave R something for his birthday…much like my sister’s birthday—I know when it is…I just don’t remember until it’s too late…more on this in a bit too….but this year…this past year for R and me, as friends and as more…has been …staggering…
He bought me a rose yesterday—left it on my pillow—because he knew I was going to be depressed and he wanted me to know he cared. This is why this man has been my best friend going on ten years now…the man who put me through all that Hell—the man who caused all that ‘stuff’ on 2/3/94 to happen—he never once said a word to me about anything…never mentioned it…never commemorated it or gave me the leeway to do so…never said he was sorry…never gave a da*n in any direction. R , on the other hand, has always been there to console me…and now he gave me a rose, to let me know he is there, he does care, and he isn’t giving up on me, he isn’t letting go of me, and he’s right here w me every single second, day and night. The man is my heart.
I keep trying to get it across to the kids, both kids, that this is a real man. This is a man who participates on every level. This is the type of man I want E to marry. This is the type of man I want N to grow into being. That isn’t something I am saying now—it’s something I have said for close to nine years (E is 8yo, remember).
Sixteen years ago. I remember where we were then. I remember the apartment. I remember the cats. I remember the duck pond. I remember the sweater I wore after, standing at the duck pond…and the blouse…I may even have the skirt still. I remember what I wore to the hospital, to meet them. I remember…too many things. I look at my daughter sitting behind me, trying to figure out how to make the most coins on facebook before R comes home and asks her what she did and how she did it (facebook/farmville—it’s all about math and management—economics and other issues…)—and I think, in eight years, she’ll be sixteen—where will we be then?
She and I have both been slipping w the names we call R lately. For eight years, R has been ‘Uncle’—he’s always been Uncle to E—he’s always been Uncle to N. The first real change was when he and I started…growing closer…and I could no longer call him my brother…unless we are taking a very Egyptian track here—and that just…grosses me out to no end…so flipping from he’s my brother to he’s your uncle was not really that difficult. He has already said it’s ok if E calls him dad, but she absolutely refuses to do so until he and I are married…and he knows all the issues I have w marriage—and it’s not as if he is issue-free in that department either…despite everything between us—our exs messed us both up but good and fear is inherent in our territories … but we are both more than assured that he and I will be married one day, and not that far into the future either, but today is not that day. But E wants a real dad, not the week-end dad that T has been since day one...well…he hasn’t even been that…he’s always been more of an uncle than anything else…but that’s not the point…E wants someone stable in her life, someone she can rely on, someone she can trust…and that person has always been R. She keeps slipping and calling him dad—and after all R and I have been through, and after everything we have discussed between us, and after all the talking E and I have done as well…I tend to slip now and then too…and it’s usually much worse because it’s the whole family feeling thing that sets me off…when both kids are w us and that whole this is how things should be in the grand scheme thing kicks in—we were never a family w T—he never ever allowed that—he refused to participate—he refused to drop his guard—he refused to let us in—he chose to be just like his dad—a ‘dad’ is not the guy who works 8-12 hrs per day; he is not the guy who is never home, never involved, never there for meals or story time or anything like that. That guy might be a father—but he isn’t a dad. T might be a father, just like his father is/was, but he isn’t a dad…or if he is, I haven’t seen it or seen much evidence of it…
R is the One. He always has been. Not just for me, but for my entire family. He is the rock of my foundation—he has been for ten years now.
And, today is his birthday and I chose to sit and write before hauling my butt out to let E find him something for his birthday…and to find a cake mix and/or recipe that will satisfy my darling man.
More to come…very soon…I didn’t touch on several things I meant to…so … hang in there.