Thursday, July 23, 2009
A Question Rather Than A Wish
Darling Melba asks:
How does money make you feel?
How funny, since I now work for no one but myself now, how both very important and very un-important money has become to me.
My basic attitude is as long as my bills are paid ad there's a little something left over, then terrific.
While I was with the network, I knew there was going to be no way I was going to be able to pay for classes of any sort for E. (dance, gymnastics, anything at this point...)
but now that I am on my own...I know the potential is there, once I start ramping up the marketing and getting myself out there, I don't see where it should be a problem.
I don't need to be filthy rich; I just need enough money to pay the bills and do the things I want to do. I have spent so much of my life fighting to have things, and then spent so much time throwing things away, giving things away, selling things that I bought and didn't use, that my main focus these days is not buying things (per se--coloured pencils and various types of drawing paper notwithstanding at the moment :-) ) but more about doing things, going places, experiencing things. I want to go to CO. I don't ski. Have no interest in skiing. But my significant other skis. And my daughter would LOVE to learn how to ski. I want to go play in the snow. Take pictures. Be out in the world and in nature. Away from my normal threads.
I want to travel to Wales, and Scotland, and Ireland. I want to visit the Loire valley. Germany. Belgium. The Netherlands. I want to go on walk-about through Australia. Tour New Zealand. Play on beaches in the moonlight. Touch the tops of mountains with reverent fingertips.
I have learned in my very strange life that the Universe wants to help. The more I hold on to things with a tight fist, the fewer things come to me. The more I relax and have faith, the more things come in. It may sound utterly stupid, because there are days I look at myself and I wonder at the things I do and believe, but it doesn't fail me. I may not like the way the Universe offers help every time, but I can appreciate the effort, for lack of a better phrase. The whole 'Let go and Let god' thing has always resonated with me, even when I am not able to let go enough to let anyone do anything.
A client of mine once told me a story about this guy he knows. The man lost $100,000 on some card game. Yes, one hundred thousand dollars. As soon as he reached that point, the man stopped gambling. Then he immediately called and donated $100,000 to a local children's hospital. His reasoning was that he screwed up with the gambling and in order to change his luck he had to willingly give up the same amount he'd lost in order to show the Universe that he broke even and was ready for a new fresh clean slate. To break his losing streak.
As in he was bad to have lost this much on a card game (it was a series of games, not just one), so he was going to be good and give that same amount away. To achieve a balance.
So, I cannot even dare to come close to that, but I have noticed that when I am need, if I reach out to someone else, I end up benefitting as well. But if I go into something THINKING I am going to get something, it doesn't...so I don't do that, believe it or not.
An example of this is I really didn't have the money to spend, but I had a little left before I got paid. Bills and food were covered. Had a friend going through some things. I knew I didn't have enough money to offer her to help her--when your whole life is in turmoil and you need to move out of one house and into ...some place else... the offer of $20-30 doesn't go too far--but she has an etsy shop that I adore--so I bought a piece of her art that I had longed for and coveted from the moment I saw it. The money helped her. The art helped me. And it healed me, to do something nice for someone, without having to say I'm buying this because I know you need the money. If she hadn't been in need, I would have kept talking myself out of buying that piece.
I've done that several times throughout my life.
Funny how we are talking about money right now. I can bead. I can make jewelry. I am not the best at it. I made one strand of prayer beads for myself and then...pretty much...haven't really done much more other than extend bracelets I bought from other people.
With the miscarriage, for some weird reason, it triggered this odd thing in me. I have to mark certain things by getting certain things. I cannot wear my tulsi malas anymore, much to my utter dejection some days. I used to wear them every day. Putting them on in the morning was a special ritual for me. I am not permitted to wear anything other than tulsi, for every day or otherwise, for some reason. If I do, it immediately breaks, no matter what it is. I have malas. I can't wear them. I have a bone mala. I love it. Can't wear it. Can use it. Can't wear it.
I collect rosaries. I am so anti-Catholicism, but am very very pro-the spiritual message of the Church. My issue is not with the religion itself--it's with the way it is run. Which is my main beef with, well, most organized religions. I collect the symbols of deep faith, in order to bolster my own. Because the symbols have deep meaning for and to me.
After my first pregnancy, I turned to the Church, began making plans to take catechism classes and everything. The ex frowned upon that. He was never a big "god" person. He said I 'could', but made it sound as if it were a terrible horrible thing at the same time as he said it was a good idea for me to have something to keep me busy til I got over things.
I trust in the emotional content of the religion. I was born Catholic, even though I was not raised Catholic. Well, there's alot of stuff in there I am not touching here and now. I have an affinity for the Madonna and Child, and many of the Saints. I'll leave it at that.
I bought a rosary last night. And some wrist malas. Etsy is such an incredible thing. A terrible habit. An ever-demanding addiction. And a wonderful thing, when I do it right. I am always wary now of buying jewelry on etsy. Not every piece, not every seller, but there have been some pieces that arrived and I with my poor little bit of knowledge and skill had to augment things so that I could wear them, after they broke. Mostly just poorly set ends/clasps. Truthfully, it's not just the jewelry, but why go there? I have faith. :-)
I spent most of yesterday during the day, when I had the chance, as I was busy writing and doing other actually productive things, searching etsy for a rosary. Specifically for a rosary. I tried checking out prayer beads, but I am drawn to the rosaries. Second day in a row I did this? Maybe. I found one in the afternoon. I didn't buy it til after midnight last night. I wasn't going to buy it til after the 1st, after my check is deposited, to make sure this really is the one for me. If it is meant to be for me, it would have been there when I went back on the 1st. I needed to order it last night. I need it now. WHile my heart is still broken open and bleeding.
I will post pictures, etc later on.
My personal colours are blues and purples, with greens thrown in on top. I am mostly a pale blue person though. Despite the fact I wear so much orange.
This rosary spoke to me. It's made of alexandrite. Now, my research says alexandrite is rare and hard to find and usualy turns from shades of red to green. This one turns from blue to purple. It was meant for me. Celtic cross. Blues and purples. And the woman (? it feels like a woman) who makes them exudes a very calm peaceful loving energy. At least that's what I get from her store and her other works. She makes these rosaries and malas and other things because she loves them. It's obvious.
There is a point to this story-I swear.
I bought the rosary. Paying someone for something beautiful to comfort me in my time of sorrow. Helps her by buying from her. Helps me by releasing my pain and misery into the ether and letting it be. If I didn't buy the rosary, what would I do with my pain? I am transmuting it into something else.
This is money for me.
I needed the comfort the rosary offers. The prayer malas are more for the peace of mind and continued contact with the Divine, drawing more divinity into my life, no matter under what name.
I gave money in exchange for spiritual succor. Knowing the money helps her. Spending the money helps me. And knowing that more money will flow in to me, so I can send it back out again when the time is right.
Money to me is a cycle. An energy taken, used, transformed and passed on. It goes out. It comes in. Sometimes it comes in fast. Sometimes it comes in slow. But it comes. I do not stop. I do not give up. I have faith.
Yes, all that babble to reach that point.
Thank you, Melba, for helping me, not just talk about money, but about why I bought a rosary. It helped me on my healing process as well. I am grateful for that.