The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Originally Posted March 9, 2009

How To Destroy A Relationship In One Year Or Less

Please note: this article is not based on any one particular person. It is based upon many different people and relationships that I have observed and/or counseled over the past years. If you feel I am talking about you specifically, I am not. But if you feel that way, you need to take a deep long hard look at yourself and your relationship. If what I write here resonates that strongly with you, then something is severely wrong in your world that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

First of all, in order to destroy a relationship, when you go out in public together do not sit with, or even near, your significant other. Do not stand by them. Do not interact with them unless you absolutely have to do so. Treat your significant other as if they were just like any and every other person in the room. Always act as if you are not a couple and you are not there together. Even if you are only at a friend’s house.

Do not call your significant other. Do not email. Do not text. Do not IM. Don’t ask how their day is going. Don’t ask them about things they are interested in. Leave them hanging at least all during the work week. Let them call you. Let them chase you. Let them make all the moves to initiate conversation.

Make plans without telling your significant other. Make sure your SO tells you every detail of their life and schedule. Make sure you never tell them anything about your own schedule, even when asked point blank. Be secretive about your life, your comings and goings, and your friends, your feelings.

Keep all your feelings inside. Bottle them up. Do not share. When asked a specific question, shrug and say you don’t know or you aren’t sure. Do not give definitive answers. Remain irresolute and ambiguous. Be unable to explain your actions, your feelings, your decisions. Be unwilling to communicate at all on any level. Focus on meaningless details and explode them into huge arguments. Twist things around and throw them back on your SO to that they feel horrible and useless and lost. That way you feel as if you have the upper hand. Then when they least expect, start making demands and issuing orders and edits without explanation.

Have expectations of your SO and don’t tell them what those expectations are. Keep them guessing about your desires and intentions. Make sure you let them know you have to lower your expectations so that they even begin to measure up even though they are failing miserably. When they question what your intentions and expectations are, be unable to tell them. Resort to shrugging and saying you just cannot explain.

Do not communicate what you enjoy, or what feels good to you. Make sure you do not allow your SO to do anything that they may enjoy. Make them feel belittled and unable to please you. Force them to work harder to please you all the time and leave them unhappy and not fulfilled. Then stop having sex with them. Tell your SO that you no longer feel a connection and are no longer able to be intimate with them until that connection is reaffirmed. Be unable to explain how the connection was lost. Be unable to explain how to re-establish the connection.

Act subversive, as if you are hiding things. Walk away when you are on the telephone so your SO cannot overhear the conversation. Go into another room to IM and/or text people. Make sure your SO knows you are doing this. If your SO enters the room, pretend to be doing something else, or refuse to allow them to see the screen. Go through SO’s things, their drawers, their files, their phones. Read their mail and email behind their backs. Make sure you check credit card bills for strange charges. Treat them as if you know they are doing something wrong. Let them see that you are trying to discover what that something might be.

Do not be interested in things that your SO is interested in. Tell them their work bores you. Tell them their hobbies hold no interest for you. Be non-committal when their family and friends show up. Have other things to do so that you can leave and not be forced to endure time with them. But on the other hand, when you have family and friends over demand your SO’s complete attention and demand they be there and stay there the entire time. Demand your SO listen to details about your work and your day and your hobbies. Do not care when their eyes glaze over.

Do not allow your SO to speak their mind. Give them arcane abstract rules that hinder their expression of their opinions. Tell them they are only allowed to validate your feelings and the way they try express themselves makes you feel uncomfortable or unloved. Do not allow them to speak their minds under any circumstance.

Come over to hang out at your SO’s home and do nothing. Do not offer to help cook, or talk to them while they are doing things, or try to entertain them with stories or anything while they are busy. Sit staring at the television as if under a spell, flipping channels or really getting into one program; it doesn’t matter. Make messes. Leave your dishes on the table, or the end table.

Talk endlessly about how you plan on marrying your SO, some day. Make sure you are non-committal on dates and time-frames; make sure they understand sooner would be better than later. But when your SO does not immediately jump on that trip down the aisle, treat them like pond scum for being unable to commit to you.

Force your SO to do everything your way. Dishes must be washed this way. Your SO must be dressed this way. You So can only be friends with certain people, because you do not like all of their friends, so the ones you do not like must be removed from their life. They cannot speak to certain kinds of people. Make arbitrary rules, like don’t touch me there, and then change the rule without telling your SO and become angry and embittered when they still don’t touch you there.

Do not do anything they ask you. They ask you to show your care and concern for issues in their life by wearing a certain piece of jewelry, for example a bracelet, put the bracelet away and never speak of it again. If it comes up, make excuses and be non-committal. Shrugging and I don’t know are perfect fall-backs. If they ask you to make certain changes to accommodate situations better, say a cat door into the garage because you never clean the little box and the smell is horrendous, refuse to do it. Keep talking about it and research it to death, but never actually do it. Make sure you bring it up fairly often so they know you’re still thinking about it, but refuse to do it as a matter of course.

Force your SO to make all the significant choices, like what’s for dinner. Remain non-committal and shrug a lot. Say things like it’s really up to you. It doesn’t matter to me. Whatever you want. Then once the choice has been made, complain about it. Be disagreeable through the whole meal. Be sure to talk about somewhere else you would have rather gone that is farther out of the way, more expensive, etc. Be sure not to let your So eat anywhere you don’t like to eat, even if it is their favourite place to go.

Tell your SO there is an important to you trip you have to make and you want them to come with you. Be vague on travel times. Do not have any prepared trip details. Even if your SO has already said they have cannot get the time off work, be abrasive and ridiculing when they do not go with you. Make sure they know it’s their fault you could not go.

Do not ever tell your SO that you two are going on a trip, even a yearly scheduled event with a group of friends, as a last-ditch effort to save the relationship. Be bitter and nasty about issues that make no sense. Complain about where the group goes to eat. Complain about the conditions in the hotel. Complain about the atmosphere of the area. Complain if your SO does not drop everything and wait on you hand and foot the entire trip. Be sure to make your SO spends as much money as possible buying you things, taking you places, showing you the sights. This is especially good if you make more money than your SO.

Turns molehills into mountains. An example of this is, you two often go to the same spa in order to get massages, but you never get couples massages because your SO talks through the entire massage and you hate that. Go with your SO to that spa and say nothing about anything to your SO, get separate massages, then start a fight over the fact that they had a massage in a completely different room than you. Argue that it was very important to you that you had the massages together and that your SO must not love you at all. Brook no arguments from your SO; make them feel small and useless and unworthy.

Question your SO’s integrity. Create impossible tests and tasks for them, without telling them that is what your doing, and then degrade them and belittle them when they fail to meet your expectations.

Add people of the opposite sex to your facebook friends list, or myspace, or your blogroll, or whatever. Make a big deal out of telling your SO how great all your friends’ relationships seem to be going, while wondering aloud why you never go anywhere together or do anything. Then decide it is better for you to stay home, online, chatting with facebook friends, or whatever.

Be bossy. Let your SO make all the choices for plans, then take over and micro-manage every detail, complaining all the time that that isn’t really what you wanted to do anyway. Be sure if there are other people involved that you make them feel small and useless as well. Do not be afraid to be a tyrant with everyone.

Ignore your SO’s feelings about everything. Do not take their likes or dislikes into consideration ever. Always be thinking what can this person be doing for me right now. Never think, hey, SO may like to go to this camper show just to look around—think, god, I hate camper shows and you couldn’t drag me there if I were dead.

Forget you know what manners are. Be imperious and demanding. Holler DRINK! and expect your SO to immediately jump up and bring you a drink upon your command. Do not tell them what you want to drink, then when they get there tell them that isn’t what you wanted and to go back and do it again. Forget please and thank you and excuse me. Speak over them. Ignore them. Treat them like an annoying bug buzzing around you.

When confronted, pitch a fit and demand the relationship be saved, then refuse to do anything about it. Tell them it’s a couples thing and no one individual can do anything to fix anything in the relationship. Be sure to refuse to go to couples counseling, no matter how many times they suggest it. Pretend nothing is wrong and pretend that the past has no bearing whatsoever on the present. Have a fake relationship based on social chatting rather than intimate communication.

Based on this, never get married unless you settle for someone you can completely dominate and despise deep down, and do nothing but complain and feel the lack for the rest of your life. There is no way around it.

These are only a few suggestions. There are many more techniques that can be utilized. But for most people, these techniques work quite well.