The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Some New Goals Actually

First of all--

I am reading 'Writing Down the Bones' by Natalie Goldberg--and I love it.
There's no real way to plan anything specific with this book since i am skipping here and there and reading along as I go--and working on things as I go.
But I do plan to read the entire book and work within the parameters as they are presenting.
Speaking of--my beautiful pen arrived today. I do recommend Ink Flows--the pens are beautiful--and the workmanship is lovely. I will admit it took me a few minutes to figure out how to get the ink working and flowing--but thankfully there is good information to be had online--if you can bear to wade through all the garbage that comes up before you get to the good stuff. (You just pop the cartridge in until it is perforated.)
Tomorrow I am going to go find something specifically for my writing--a particular kind of binder. I've already ordered my brown ink.
I did however get written down a great deal of the stuff that has lately been flowing through my brain--and I really think Natalie is helping me dig some things out. So it's a good thing.
If nothing else this is the closest to writing out 'The Fifth Realm' as I have come since late 1999-early 2000.

Also on my to do list for --some time this year--and the early part of this year--is to decide on what order and then work my way through --'the vein of gold', and 'the complete artist's way', all by Julia Cameron --for those of you who don't know, 'The Complete Artist's Way' consists of three books (two of which I already owned before I bought this) 'The Artist's Way', 'Walking In This World', and 'Finding Water'.
And for some reason this reminds me to locate my final copy (at one point I had 3 because every time I see this book I buy it) 'Everyday Sacred' by Sue Bender. I like to flip through and read bits and pieces of it when I need some inspiration. And yes, I have read it, several times, and it never fails to touch me when I pick it up, even to just flip through it.
I guess I need to work up a schedule for these books and stick with it.

I am not very motivated in the winter--I really do just want to curl up and hide til spring.

But I have ideas to chase--and sooner or later I'll be able to sit in front of my fireplace with a nice fire burning (fake or otherwise--and now we really can just pop the dvd into the player and let it play--I don't like that it flips from scene to scene to scene--the noises are not fluid enough for my liking--I love the sound of fires burning--but if you spin me through 6+ fires in a short period of time it's unnerving for me--it breaks up my concentration) with my notebook on my lap and just --write. And breathe. And be. And look over at my kids and just enjoy their presences.

I also need to pull out my art/drawing books again and start the lessons over and see how far I can progress until I can find a class here that I can take. Add that to my list of goals.

Something else I have been kicking around for months and months now that I keep hemming and hawing on (wait til I get my stash all in one place! well, for the most part it is now--although now my excuse is I have the kids stuff all over the den as I sort it out and wait for things still in storage to get here--like the little bookcases--I am so not buying one more big bookcase--even though we could absolutely use it at this point)-- I have 'A First Book Of Knitting For Children' and 'Knitting For Children A Second Book' by Bonnie Gosse and Jill Allerton. These are Waldorf--or maybe Waldorf 'inspired' knitting books to help kids learn to knit--and they are great little tomes, full of simple and remarkable projects. I want to knit every single project in both these books--at least every toy in case they have sweaters or something in them--it's been awhile since I have gone through them. I want to make the people and the gnomes--I want to make the horses and the dogs and the cats. My kids have so many toys that I am often unwilling to make toys simply because there are already so many toys here.

Right now my den is only half full of the kids' toys--we have actually sorted out enough that the bulk of the toys have been put away in the respective bedrooms--neatly too (usually) -- I have puzzles and stuffed animals yet to go through--and my dd1 needs to get her stuff yet--her jewelry and polly pocket type doll clothes or whatever that covers the one part of the floor.
But--stuffed animals can always be donated to one shelter or another--so I am not too overwhelmed there. There are certain toys that must stay based on when they were bought and why. (Like the blue elephant which is the very first toy E ever picked out for N before he was bourn -- they were already whacking each other at this point--so I was not too far from delivery).

I want my den back--and I will have it back--by my birthday (end of February)--I am not an overly ambitious person--and I can walk away form the clutter there until the mood hits me. Once the mood hits me that place will be clean.

I also plan to have my file cabinets full--paperwork sorted and taken care of--by my birthday.
I have to do the toys before I start the paperwork.

Other goals--for my 'birthday' we are getting a tv--whatever sort of whatever. This old one of my sister's has been great--but it needs to retire.

I am upgrading my desktop pc. That's a definite. A new laptop (sans the 'home' key) is a maybe at the moment--all I really need is access to the internet and word processing there. I just want this mac pos to go away. I never know when something will or won't work with the mac--and alot of the stuff I have been wanting to do lately--NOT mac compatible. It's extremely frustrating. We will see if the upgrading of the one desktop pc works enough to negate the need to buy a full new desktop pc--if it does--the new laptop is a sure thing.

The only other thing I really want--is a spinning wheel. At this point I don't even have to be able to touch it or use it or anything. I just want it here for when I am ready to use it. So I am pushing the spinning wheel back to Winter Solstice for me again.

Other than that--the trip in March to finally bring home the very last of everything else that might possibly belong to us in anyway--so that I never again have to stop in mid-stride and think I have one of these--but it's in WV at dad's.

My other goals this year are easy. If I am not married by year's end--I will be engaged.
And if I do not give birth some time this year, I will be pregnant by the end of this year.

The only other thing we mean to do is to get a video camera--because dd1 has requested it--and although she will NOT be getting it for her birthday or any other holiday simply because her cousin got one for christmas--it will be for the family. Period.

I am again iffy on the whole WII issue. I am not the only one I've spoken to with the complaints about how the wii fit teaches improper technique--and not even about yoga--a chiropractor I know has griped about the yoga too--although she will still recommend it for some people because it is better than nothing.
I liked atari games, way back when, although I was never really that into them--and only some of them. I never was a big pacman fan. I don't like video games--I just never have--there is an overload of information and it makes my head hurt. I have never understood the fascination--I have never wanted to escape reality that much--if I wanted to escape reality--there were drugs and alcohol--but I had no need to surrender to a complete fantasy the way I see most people doing. I actually prefer interacting with people than machines--and for me to say that--hating the majority of people as I do--that says something. I am cool with watching other people play certain games--I certainly put in enough time watching stupid people play 'doom' for years--and if I ever see another golf game or flight simulator I may hurt someone--but I truly see no benefit for having that stuff in my home.

Adding to my unwillingness to compromise--we all got up early this morning--and we all watched Saturday morning cartoons with the antennae on the tv--two local channels worth of cartoons--from 7a to about 1p. If this is the crap wii will bring into my home--I'd prefer to burn my house down and have nothing--I feel this strongly about the level of complete trash I saw this morning. Although I personally cannot actually view more than 10 minutes or so of this movie because the vapid stupidity -- I really think more people should watch the movie "Idiocracy"
It's really coming, people. The stupid are ringing the planet now--it's only a matter of time before they inherit it.

What was the last book you read? Do you know the difference between Manet and Monet? What was George Sand's true name? Do you really know what made Coco Chanel famous? What country was Eugenia queen of and when? And given where I come from--was 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' a true story when it was written? What can you tell me about Dorothy Parker--other than that Prince put her in a song? This is only a sampling. And yep, I may have to look up the spelling of George Sand's real last name--but I do know it--and I do know the answers to all these other questions as well (I always did prefer Manet anyway--but that's just me).
Hint--I was reading Anais Nin's diaries at the age of 16--I had read her erotica at 13 or so. I read--alot--and I prefer older books that aren't dumbed down for the masses--and I always have. I am not an idiot. Far far from it. And I have never stopped working to educate myself on one level or another.

Oh--and a reminder to myself--I need to do the research to find the current Waldorf Teacher Certification curriculum programs. I will have this training done before my youngest children are too much older--and no, I have no real desire to teach in a school. But that has never stopped me from taking the training for anything--I knew I wouldn't do massage within the 1st three months of attending massage school --I really hate stupid people-- I knew when I started the training I would not teach Yoga, or children's Yoga, or meditation--didn't stop me from doing it though--I did the same for legal secretary, medical office assistant and several other things my resume refuses to reveal. :-) As I said--just because I have dated men who thought I was inferior doesn't mean I am inferior--far far from it.

Thank you.

I am going to bed now--I took off work early tonight and I probably will not be logging in for long tomorrow either. Although we'll see--I know there are people waiting to talk to me--which is why I logged off early tonight--I couldn't keep dealing with the stupidity (it was that very first call of the day that did it--will you please get over your stupidity and just move out--please--you are the most insecure and ludicrous person I have ever had to deal with and were it up to me I would not have spoken to you ever again after that first time I spoke to you originally--I do not deal with people like you in my own personal business--I refer people like you to professional medical and psychiatric help--which I have done to you repeatedly--until you said you just couldn't deal with hearing it anymore.....)


What's Bothering Me Today

There are badges for "buying hand-made" and that sort of thing.
I get those badges--I do.
as I have said before--I am not BUYING. I am MAKING.
Where are the buttons and badges that say--I took the pledge to MAKE hand-made?

No-I am not able of knowledgeable enough to make the buttons -- although maybe soon I will decide to find some tutorials on how to do it and make some up myself.

Every time I check out on paypal lately there has been a spot to donate to this cause or that when I do my final checkout.
It's a different cause every time I check out.

Most people know I rarely give money to human causes unless they are specifically for children -- or abused women--depending upon the charity. I never give money to political or religious causes anymore. I used to donate to certain religious causes--traveling monks bring something out in me--and every church I enter still gets something from me--but those are different. I have no problem paying to light candles in a church--but then again--I haven't been inside an actual church since the last time I was in Eureka Springs, AR. But "religious" causes--not one penny shall you see from me.
I don't do politics--period. I do not support politics--I do not aid politics--and I rarely discuss politics. At any level.

I give to animal and environmental causes--every year--whether I am working or not. It may not be much some years--but I always give something.

But about 5 years ago I decided I would not give actual money to anything outside of this country. I do alot of the free click here to donate stuff -- I am ok with donating my time--and I am ok with donating fiber-related goods as well (like Afghans for Afghans)--although I prefer Warm Up America.

I saw this afternoon a blurb to donate $1 to help feed hungry children in Rwanda. Yes, I believe the children need help. Yes, I believe everyone there needs help, and food, and shelter, and whatever else can make their lives better. BUT--I KNOW there are people in this country starving--people w jobs--not just the homeless--people who can barely survive, who cannot afford clothing for their kids, people who can't make the rent, people without credit cards and cars and welfare, people who cannot afford medical insurance for themselves or their children--no matter what the governments say they are doing to ensure every child is insured.
Who helps these people? Where is the blurb to donate $1 to feed a starving American child? Where are the buttons to help save the children on American Reservations, like this one--or do we need to really look at the only actual original citizens of this country and how 'well' this country treats them yet again .....
Where are the buttons and badges and blurbs to donate to help the single mothers out there who 'technically' make too much money to qualify for insurance or food stamps--who cannot afford clothing for their children--who can't make it to a church to go through the donated clothes-- who don't get child support--who don't have family or friends -- who are too busy working to try to pay the bills they have just to keep something going in hopes one day things might be better?
Where are the buttons to help the battered and abused people--not just women--who though society says they are fine simply can no longer function within the parameters of the society around them? Where are the buttons for the homeless? Where are the badges for the starving strangling huddled American masses that everyone seeks so valiantly to ignore and deny?

No. I will not donate money to those outside this country. Time, yes. Money, no. We need to take care of the people here in this country before we get so busy over-extending our budget to help other countries. If we make ourselves stronger first, we will be that much better able to help others in the long run.

And off my high horse I come and leave this discussion for some other time.

Bird On A Wire

Be very very quiet--he's hunting rabbit.
Is he a kestrel, do you think?
We just aren't sure.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Quoth The Raven

These pictures are a gift from a friend when he was on vacation in CO.

Christopherus Offers The Madonna Cloak Project

Donna Simmons of Christopherus Homeschool is offering a new project called The Madonna Project.

Read about it here:

I have not been as active in her online groups as I should. In fact, I haven't even read anything to keep up lately. Not since before the move to IL actually. I have a great deal of respect for Donna. We have her pre-school, kindergarten and first grade syllabus books--and whether anyone around me really cares to admit it or not I follow quite a bit of what's in them--even if it is not all of them or all of it.
We are still waiting for E to get her front teeth in--even though some days I get nervous about whether they will come in or not (her front teeth were removed when she was about 3 because I listened to my pediatrician rather than my instincts with her--N lost his front teeth at about the same age because he was climbing and fell--I am hoping and praying subsequent kids get to keep all their teeth).
Even though I still have some Montessori stuff we do--just to placate the masses. I don't feel the need to stress over it so much anymore, despite my detractors.

The Madonna Cloak Project really appeals to me on so many levels.

I have been running through the past few days, prior to learning about this project, the fact that I need to pull up my Steiner books for myself and get re-started. I do still want to attend a Steiner/Waldorf teacher training program at some point. It really has been on my extended list of things to do to start the researching again--since my data there has been lost--except what I have printed out--which is mostly just syllabi.

Please read about Donna's project. If it resonates with you, please do what you can. Thank you.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Remember I told you I ordered 'Itty Bitty Nursery' and 'Itty Bitty Hats' by Susan B Anderson? They got here all right--although I was a little disappointed when they did. I was not immediately overwhelmed and swept up in the need to grab needles and yarn and start tucking in to new patterns.
There are by far more hats I plan to knit that other things.
And some of those hats will be for the older kids--and me too. :-) As well as the babies.

I said I ordered books today, right? It will make me feel better to list them--so I don't forget--and so I don't have to go nutso searching for my list when they do come in.
And yes, I usually have a list for everything. Usually.

So here we go:

Boho Baby Knits by Kat Cole
I have seen this one up close and personal before, thanks to the library--and although I am not over-joyed by every pattern, there were enough in there to make me keep it on my going to buy at some point list.

Too Cute! by Debby Ware
I have been wanting this one for awhile--I forget who recommended it to me or why--but it's been on my to be bought list since 2005 or 2006.

Cotton Knits For All Seasons by Debbie Bliss
Do you really think I'll use cotton for all of these though?

Baby Knits For Beginners by Debbie Bliss
I really do like her style--and I have several of her books--all baby books, I think, at the moment. Wait--I actually have the Debbie Bliss Home Knits book as well.

Closely Knit by Hannah Fettig
Ok, so now and then I buy on impulse without first getting a good look at things in hand--this is one of those.

Junior Knits by Debbie Bliss
No, I did not purposely strike out with the intention of filling my shelves full of Debbie Bliss--it just happened.

Essential Baby by Debbie Bliss
Oh, be quiet. :-)

And last but not least,
Easy Baby Knits by Claire Montgomerie

Ok, fine, yes, I bought ore than one of these sight unseen and based soley on the preponderence of evidence presented in the reviews on

I did however begin my day, before the tip even was spoken of or thought of, by doing searching for various certain baby patterns (and I still want one that seems to be either French or Canadian and one I cannot easily put my greedy paws on--but that I do get something close enough to in at least 2 of the books I ordered) while on ravelry (some clients require something to keep my mind off of the desire to reach through the phone and throttle the bejesus out of them)--so I at least have some vague ideas of the projects held within the books.

Another Made In December

A modified version of 'commedia del'arte' by Kathy Mccart Snyder.
Available for free on

What is so funny about this is I printed out the pattern sometime in 2006. As I was unpacking, it is one of those of the many hundreds of printed out patterns I have in stacks. I have never really looked at this particular pattern since I printed it out. For some bizarre unknown reason, rather than work on holiday knitting, on December 7, 2008, I picked up this pattern and I made it.
Her name is pronounced ay-lah-nah.
And I love her. :-)

Other December Fiber Projects

A heavily modified version of a simple tea cozy by Ari Whitlow--I have a very large tea pot.

This is my second attempt at this hat--the first having been not long after I started knitting --when gauge was a real issue w me--needless to say the 1st attempt fit not even Big Foot. This one I am very happy with and I wear it frequently. I double stranded two red heart super savers--one was maroon, the other a variegated brown.

The orange pumpkin was made in November, per request. The white one was requested in November--but wasn't made until December. Don't ask me why it took so long. Pattern called Pumpkin by June Gilbank.

Here the Red Baron Flies Again (knitlist pattern by Denise Levs) with modifications per request by E

The hat is a modification from Suss Cousins book 'Hollywood Knits', and I made it, what, 2 years ago? N still loves that thing--he picked out the yarn himself. Instead of knitting it flat, I knit it in the round. I need to make some more of them too.
The scarf, I made myself. Three yarns and a big hook--I made 3 different scarves like this and apparently I thought I took a picture of all three of them--and didn't. I'll probably never see this one again--and N will probably not wear it again because T won't put it on him. Things I knit for the boy instantly vanish once they get to T's house--it's very disconcerting. I won't stop making him stuff though. :-)


'Little Mermaid Pattern' by Amigurumi Paradise

made the pattern myself
may have to dig for details

These are the only things I really made for the December holidays.

The Kids Went Ice-Skating

T finally came through and took the kids ice-skating. He'd been telling E since she was 2 he'd take her. There are no pictures of N, but he was there too and had a terrific time, I was told.
Here are the pics of E.

E Made It

We're not really certain exactly what it is. All she does is chain stitch. She says it's a hat for a barbie doll or something like that.

The Not So Lavender Lace Beanie

This is my version of the lavender lace beanie, pattern found in '101 designer one-skein wonders'.
I followed the pattern exactly--or as exactly I as I am able. I used a creamy off-white cascade 220. And I adore this thing. Although my best friend, being the friend he is, told me it makes me look like a nun. He says he was joking--but with him, you can never be sure. I like it anyway.
It's not the all over lace hat I have been searching for, but it is a good filler project until I find that.

Finished Object Now Pictured

This is the poems easy headband from '101 designer one-skein wonders'.
I made it per the pattern, size large (whatever the largest size is), using red heart super saver in lipstick.
I won't do that again.
Next time, I will probably use the same yarn, because I like it, but I will make the smaller size, maybe even the smallest. Why?
Because this head-band is too loose, even for me with all my ultra curly fluffy puffy hair.
I tried it on pre-washing--but am not holding out alot of hope for post-washing (it's washed and still waiting for me). Good thing my sister's head is bigger than mine--and as to which sister I am speaking--I'll be sure to give you both one so neither of you knows. :-)

The Dodo Headband

Please note: the yarn is weird and it's Japanese. I won it in a raffle 2 years ago. The label was mostly hand-written. It's alpaca and something, I guess. I have no clue how many yards of yarn there are--I started a slouch hat with it and had to frog it due to lack of yarn. I went to the website, but it was so overwhelming--I gave up and still am not sure exactly what I have.

I call this yarn about a heavy worsted, because it's fluffy. It may actually be considered just a regular worsted weight or a bulky. We're working up a headband, so it's not a real threat if you use different yarn or anything.

Gauge is fairly unimportant as this is a head-band.

Yarn used in this sample: 'Dodo' (see pictures up close for details--that really is all the label said)

Needles used: US 11

Abbreviations used in this pattern:
YO=yarn over
SL1= slip one stitch (I do this one knit-wise)
K2tog=knit two stitches together
PSSO=pass slipped stitch over

The stitch pattern is my favourite lace pattern and I found it in: Mindful Knitting by Tara Jon Manning (whom I adore actually)

The lace pattern is this:
Row 1: Purl across
Row 2: K1, { YO, K1, (SL1, K2tog, PSSO), K1, YO, K1}
Row 3: Purl across
Row 4: K1, { YO, K1, (SL1, K2tog, PSSO), K1, YO, K1}

Begin by casting on 13 stitches, loosely. Use your favourite cast on.
Knit 5 rows in garter stitch.
Begin lace pattern.
Work lace pattern for 20 inches. This is for an adult. If you are making this for someone smaller, say your child, measure their head around where the headband would lay--and subtract an inch--work until that measurement. Example: my head measurement is 21 inches--so I knit for 20 inches. This headband is also not a tight fit at all--if you want a tighter fit, subtract 2 inches. If you are using a slippery sort of yarn, I strongly urge you to subtract at least 2 inches.
End pattern on row 1 or row 3.
Work 5 rows of garter stitch.
Bind off very loosely.
Use a mattress stitch, or whatever else catches your fancy, to sew the cast on row to the bind off row.
Viola. Headband done.

Remember the Celtic Heritage Scarf?

I made it last year (both the scarf and the scarflet), put the pattern on ravelry with no picture (just the scarf), in case you want to look it up--note--make sure you cast on and bind off very loosely--ask me how I know and why I am so certain of this. :-)

I used three colours of cascade pima tencel--orange, green, maroon. I worked it up in 1x1 ribbing.
I cannot tell you what size needles I used to make the little scarflet thingy here--because I honestly don't remember. Maybe I wrote it down somewhere--on the old blog, in a notebook --but where--I would have no clue where to start looking.
Maybe I used the same US 11s for the scarflet that I used for the scarf--but I don't know for sure anymore.

I can tell you when I pulled the scarflet up and measured it it was about 20 inches or so long. All I did was grab some cotton fleece (it was an olive green--not a match at all but you can't see it) and I single crocheted the ends together.
Voila--instant headband. And I wear the snot out of this thing. :-) I love it.

How Can This Suck?

I got a $500 tip today from a client. Some days I DO love my job!
Yes, I said ***five hundred dollar tip***.
Such bliss.

So, I do believe the Universe is blessing me--I could be snarfy about other things that happened today--but I won't. Cause I am so darned happy about this tip. So very grateful.
And, no, all I did was talk to the guy. We've never even met in person. Thank you. ;-p

And I TOTALLY blew my first two goals of this year, hands down and no way to get around it: I decided that I should buy my birthday presents for myself now (as I was told that this money was for me and I was to buy myself something nice--and although I won't use it all on myself since there is no need to--I am taking this opportunity to use it while I am in the mood....).

I bought knitting books--AND I bought yarn.

I was planning to buy noro kureyon yarn--well, because I am a yarn whore and a yarn snob and that stuff is fabulous--then I saw noro matsuri--and I think if I believed in 'Heaven' this yarn would be it.
However--I bought neither in the end.

Ever the practical Mama me. The knitting books I bought--all baby/child/family oriented. The yarn--I have wanted cotton chenille yarn to make baby/child washcloths for how long?
I bought cotton chenille yarn, linen soy cotton chenille yarn, and plied bamboo yarn--all from the wonderful same seller--and in case you misunderstand--I bought 3 POUNDS of yarn. :-) Since as we all know I am just not a woman to do things by halves.
I lied--I did have to buy one dvd--not for myself--because I needed to qualify for the free shipping thingy--so 'wow wow wubzy' is also on the way--but I was going to have to get that anyway. At least this is my excuse and I am sticking to it...

However, I do believe I have cleared my wish list of all the knitting for baby books, and a couple knitting for bigger kids books--and one knitting for family book.
So--3 pounds of yarn, one dvd for a stinky little snot-head (and his sister) and 8 knitting books--for roughly $150. And my own birthday next month has been taken care of--except for the tv for the family we have been planning to buy.
All other money is going to the let's buy a car fund--and to pay bills. :-)

The only other thing I am getting myself for my birthday--and please don't laugh--is a refillable fountain pen--in ocean colours. And yes, I already know where I am getting it from as well (can we say--'damned etsy' just one more time please? :-) ). I am reading one of my two copies of "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg (it is one of those books that I bought again, while I still had a copy in storage--and had utterly forgotten the in-storage copy--and the in-storage copy was a much more recent and updated version--so I don't feel bad about giving it away). I am not very far into it--and I skip around alot (which she says to do --as if I have to defend me and ADHD self)--and one thing stuck in my brain--doing for my writing what I allowed myself to do with my knitting and my crocheting--PLAY.

For my knitting and my crocheting--I gave myself permission to try all sorts of needles and hooks -- plastic, bamboo, metal, rosewood, horn--and permission to become an absolute yarn whore and yarn snob (these are not exclusive to one another, no). For my writing, however, I have always been a coward--I have a certain type of pen I like to use -- and I prefer to write in purple or green ink--although my all time favourite ink colour is: brown. Brown ink is not so easy to come by in regular disposable pens, not that I have found anyway. I have seen it in ink cartridges and in ink pots--so brown ink here I come--at some point. The pen is re-fillable, so that makes it a nice thing. And fountain pens are supposed to write smoothly and easily and gracefully. I already know that I adore dip pens--this is just a natural progression. Plus, my sister collects fountain pens and I love a good pen any day. Plus, not only do I have tons of a variety of papers, including blank books bought specifically for art work and other artistic pursuits, but I am not afraid to use them. And every time school sales come around at the local stores--I stock up on notebook paper and 1 subject notebooks--but I don't think these will fly anymore for my actual writing.

I do believe (a la my 'dark half') that if I sit down and write by hand-even though I will accomplish far less in nearly twice the time :-) - that I will write better and stronger than if I write by computer. Does this sound bizarre to anyone else other than me? :-) But it is true--I can concentrate more--my head aches less--I SPELL better--I focus better--and plus I never have the urge to check my email when I am writing by hand--although I love to death. I do so love my archaic expanded vocabulary--even though in every day life I usually have to use very small words to deal with people (not my children though--I love throwing big words at them--and E is eating it up alot more these days, the inquisitive little thing :-) )

My novel is still --not even filled in yet. I have the main basis of the story (why must love always be triangular for me? actually, it is a bit more complicated than that as well--but it's a good enough clue to the main bits). I have elements I am planning to combine in this first book (because one day surely the whole conglomeration must be put into print--and it is not a sequel or a trio by any means--not if I can get it right the first time out of the gate). My laptop has a "home" key--do you have any clue how annoying that is? I am in the process of looking for a new desktop computer--because this mac of mine MUST go--I've been griping about it far too long--and it is time to say good-bye to the mac--and bring on a much better pc. Please and thank you.
After we get the desktop handled, we will be looking into a laptop--maybe. I may be happy with the desktop and keep my old laptop--or for what I can upgrade to--get the new laptop--with NO home key and give this current laptop to the small girl to run her games and whatnot on--that would thrill her to no end.
Guess it is a good thing I didn't end up painting this laptop--not that I don't often think about it.

Pictures of yarns and books forthcoming at some future point.

Yarn ships tomorrow--yes, I bought it not 20 minutes ago--and it's already in IL too. Of course, amazon always likes to take their time when you do the free shipping thing--so the books will get here--but even if everything arrived tomorrow--it would NOT be soon enough for me. :-)

Ciao for the moment!


Ok--this is directed at clients--so please bear with me....

Just because I am your 'personal psychic' that does NOT make me your "Personal Jesus", uhm kay? I am not here to tell you do this, do that--I am not here to make your decisions for you. If you don't like what I am telling you, call someone else, please. I always strongly recommend talking to other psychics/professionals/etc so you can find out what is best for you.
I refuse to tell you what you want to hear just because it will make you feel better.
IE--if you are dating a complete jerk who cares more for himself than for you--guess what--I will be very sorry to have to tell you--but I will tell you--hands down--you are dating a jerk who cares more for himself than for you.

A man can be completely in love with you and still treat you like dirt.
If you are on the phone more than once every single day trying to figure the man out by talking to someone else--even many someone else's--guess what--there's more than one problem in your relationship.
A man can be utterly in love with you--and still not want a relationship--and still not want you to live with him--and still not declare his complete and eternal undying love and devotion--and still not feel bad about any of it.
A man can be very happy just being in a friendly relationship with sexual benefits and not feel bad--especially when he has told you all along--that's all he wants--and he can do this while being madly in love with you. His inability to commit --or his inability to want to commit--does not take away from the fact he is in love with you--he just won't commit.

Yes, he wants your rent check. Yes, he wants to know every single person you talk to, look at, walk by, speak to, email, telephone, text, the whole nine yards.
Yes, he wants to control where you go and how you dress and how you behave.
Yes, he wants to control every little thing and any time you speak up and say hey I don't think this is fair--you are challenging his authority and making him feel like less of a man--and he resents that--he resents you not immediately and completely giving in to his every whim and tantrum--he completely hates that you aren't some soft-spoken obedient little thing that swallows every word that comes out of his mouth like gospel. Guess what--if you were that little demure gospel-swallowing thing--he wouldn't be able to stand you either.
Yes, he is in love with you. Yes, he loves your body. No, he is not going to marry you--because he has more than enough issues of his own to deal with that are completely and utterly unrelated to you in any way.

Yes--you have some very obvious insecurity issues. Yes, you have some pretty severe self-esteem issues.
And guess what, you and he can go to church 5 times a day together, and hold hands, and mouth the words, and pay attention to everything the minister says--but you are still standing there--looking at his ex-wife and wondering if they are ever going to get back together again--wondering if he's thinking of other women--wondering how he's going to act when you get home----this is not healthy. For anyone involved.
They are divorced. Period. End of statement. And they have been for YEARS.
He is not interested in the real estate agent gal--she may be ingratiatingly sweet, but it's an act to get and to keep clients--she is not flirting--she is not interested.
The chick at the coffee shop who wears the low-cut blouses--she could care less about him--she is dressing for her comfort and to increase her tips--not because she is out trolling for anyone. She's very happily married, thank you. And yes, she talks to people when they talk to her--it's good for tips; it's good for business--it's simply polite! SHe is not trying to hone in on your man--she could care less about him as anything more than a paying customer.

I do not care how much he cares about you or how much you love him--when he consistently tells you to get the f*** out of his house--even as he just as consistently begs you not to go or even just tells you not to go--get the f*** out of his house and get yourself a real life and a real man.

Love sucks--ask me--ask anyone. If you are feeling this off-balance and unable to decide on anything--if you spend more time trying to figure him out than working on your actual job--it's time to take a break--no matter how much you love him--no matter how much you care--no matter how much you hate the thought of moving--no matter if you have to wait a few more months to get your house--you have to start taking care of you--and you do that by taking your own life back and not worrying about your boyfriend--your ex-boyfriend--the boyfriend that's coming up around the corner--all the other ex-boyfriends you freak out about and ask about all the time--stop worrying about his adult and teen-aged children--his ex-wife--the church members--the whole rest of the world--if you don't stand up and take care of your own self--guess what--no one else will--and then you will end up becoming very sick and even more unhappy--even if it kills you to break up with him--it's killing you to stay--you have to do what is best with you--even if you don't want to do it.

Please. I am a psychic COUNSELOR--which means we talk and I try to help you resolve things and help you make your own decisions. I will not be responsible for you or for your stuff. I will not under any circumstance make any choice for you. I will give you the options and tell you what the Guides say about both directions--but it is your choice--not mine. And I refuse to make it. I will tell you what I would do in your situation--but I will tell you this is me--what I personally would do is not what you need to do or have to do or should do--only YOU ultimately can decide what is best for you. Period.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

Hear me now--I am moving towards having complete control over the clients I see and the clients to whom I speak. I will not be working for the Network much longer, because I am tired of talking to people who expect too much from me. I am not God; I am not Jesus; I am just me--and I am responsible for no one but myself (and my children--but that's different).

Thank you again.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

This I Frogged

Patons Essence--my winnings from the knittingparents yahoo group raffle in the summer, before the move
Probably whatever the pattern called for for needles US13? US 15?
Pattern by Louisa Harding in 'Natural Knits For Babies and Moms': lacy leaf shawl

I screwed up several different rows at different times--but just kept trucking--eventually getting fed up and binding off--calling it more of a dresser scarf than anything else.

That thing always bugged me. I love this yarn too--so thick and warm.

Eventually we moved here--I wanted to do something else w the yarn--so I frogged my neckerchief dresser scarf thing, rewound all the yarn.

Currently I am working up a basic triangle shawl (granny's favourite dishcloth style) using I think US10 needles using this yarn--and I love it. Stitches are nice and tight. Fabric is soft and fluid. Knitter=happy. At last.

Fix 2

The Jellyfish Tam
Pattern found here on ravelry
Us 8 and US 13 needles used
2 colours of cascade 109 tweed le
and yes I do like these colours together--and so does my son too :-)
I love this pattern--and Diane's other beret/tam patterns. This is what the 2nd or 3rd pattern I have knit up from her website?
So simple and so lovely.

Knitting Pictures Fix 1

The Spring Beret
pattern found here on ravelry
Knit with brown sheep cotton fleece and US8 needles.
I am planning to do this again--same yarn--maybe even same colour--but different needles and/or more pattern repeats.

Did I do a gauge swatch? Are you serious?
I knew it would fit on my head--all other considerations were moot.
I do love the pattern--it is very easy, very well written. And the hat is lovely--even if my first version did not come out as an actual beret. ;-)

Kendall Dog

Kendall--the Wonder Dog.
We spent how many week-ends in search of the right kind of puppy chow for her--because I totally distrust purina who nearly killed my cat with their icky cat chow years and years ago--did I ever mention I can hold a grudge? For EONS? It's true.
We drove all over the place--2 week-ends in a row. I mean, all over the place, across 2 states!
Finally we found 1 bag of the brand I wanted to get her, the brand she's had before and loved, one lone bag, waiting just for us. I also found a bag of pedigree chow labeled for adults and puppies--and has all the good stuff in it for dogs w hip issues--which our darling Kendall does have.
I bring the chows home--refill her dish w a mixture of all three. First, she picks out all the pedigree first (and eats it yes). Then she goes after the kibbles and bits stuff, the old stuff (bought when she was first here and we didn't know how sick she was and I was trying to tempt her to eat anything at all--it had the most diverse flavours in it when I went to the store). Didn't touch the puppy chow at all. In fact, she is still nibbling around the puppy chow. What a butt-head. After all we went through to find that particular bag of puppy chow.

I watched parts of a movie the other morning, in between calls for work, called "Gray Matters" which from what I saw is really awesome--brother and sister live together and are inseparable. Sister helps brother hook up with adorable dog-walker in the park. Boy falls in love with girl--girl falls in love with girl--but girl didn't know she was into girls until that moment. Brother and sister split up. Brother marries girl.

What does this have to do w the Kendall dog? :-)

Remember when I said Ken's skull was mis-shapen for a collie? A genuine collie? (We've had collies, when I was a kid, --there are no bumps or breaks in the bone of the skull that I recall on any of them--they are all smooth-skulled--Ken has a distinct brow ridge--yes, my dog, the Neanderthal --and since the black facial markings outline the ridge--I kinda always assumed that I was mis-interpreting the ridge because of the colour fluctuations). Add into that the way her fur grows--the beefed up lion's ruff around her neck and shoulders--thinner body fur from shoulders to rump--and then the beefed up rump and the long fluffy fluffy butt chops. She is definitely of cattle dog variety--you can tell by the way she moves, by the way she approaches other animals, the whole nine. Although I question her intelligence some days--she's such a blonde--but she's still just a puppy--a big goofy gangly pup --she'll be a year old in May--May 22--just like E (E is thrilled--Ken's birthday is the same day as hers--and Cricket was bourn in the same year although we don't know when--so all three will be celebrated on the same day!)
As I was watching 'Gray Matters', the Brother's then soon-to-be-wife was dog-walking a ---border collie. A very pretty one too. But I got some great butt shots (how humiliating to admit to scoping out dog butt shots)--but the rump on that dog and the rump on my dog--except for colour--identical. So I rewound and rechecked--and the fur patterns seems to grate as well.

Now, I have seen European bourn and bred German Shepherds that have faces like Ken's and legs like Ken's and so on. Yes, her fur is weird. She's my dog--she's all weird--I tell you--that's how we know for sure she's ours :-). The growth pattern is border collie (time to go buy border collie books) but the pattern in which her black grows--is definitely Shepherd--even if it isn't German Shepherd. I here-by attest to the fact (and will gladly change my verdict when we get her that DNA test results one day) that Ken is a border collie-shepherd mix.

Now, whosoever out there has that Doberman or Doberman mix pup of mine that I have been dying years and years to get (keeping in mind as a child I was severely TERRIFIED by all things Dobie--and I truly mean it) please let me know. Someone close to or younger than Ken would be ideal--but a little older is fine too, depending upon the circumstances. And female. I don't care about colour or anything. Temperament it the big thing--and if she's cool w kids--especially 1-screamers and 2-big-time huggers (read that as N-proof and E-proof, respectively) that's all I ask.
Our next dog must come to us--not us to it. Don't know why I feel so strongly about this--but I am not out dog-searching at the moment--even though it would so so so help Ken and her I am so bored I'm going to eat all of E's toys syndrome. And yes--we are home all day 99.99% of the time--and yes, we do NOT by any means ignore the fluffy beast. She wants other dogs around--she wants to play. I don't blame her either.

So--that's my story--and I am sticking to it.

New Tattoo

Ok --fine--so I am up to 17 tattoos. AND I had to order a book on Oriental mythical beasts in order to find the next design. I have a 5 clawed Chinese dragon picture for one tattoo I want to get at some point--actually I have one printed out--and then another that is on a robe of mine that would have to be drawn out--although the robe is the right colour--the reddish-bronzed brown shade. But I have wanted for years to get something other than a dragon--I want a griffin. I have always had an affinity for and with griffins. Anyone familiar with invoking angelic and/or spiritual protectors to aid and protect them as they drive will know what I mean when I say when I invoke road protection--I always invoke one form of griffin or another.
I love this page and what it says about griffins--I hadn't heard a great deal of this before searching for something to post here so that I could see if I could find the connection for me -- there are connections galore.

Anyway--I decided last week--after a Council meeting--that it was an appropriate time to get a tattoo. Funny. I had a psychic a couple years ago tell me I needed a fire sign tattoo--a representation of fire since he said I was a fire sign in his Tradition--the tattoo was the lucky part for me since I am so into tattooing. So--I had the blue flame of Kali Ma tattooed on my shoulder. When I was Initiated--I was Initiated by Kali --with two other Goddesses--and as Ammachi is one of my chosen gurus--Kali is appropriate.
Then--I recently went before the Council to plead a case--and found myself--Relieved of much guilt and shame and restrictions. I was Re-Baptised and Re-Cast--it's hard to explain. But basically, I have been moving through alot of changes, and the Ma Kali/(Thuggee) imagery is no longer appropriate nor necessary. But Kali Ma is many many things--and above all She is all aspects of the Divine--start, middle and finish. I have passed through the RIng of Fire--or the Chasm of Fire, depending upon your outlook--and I have moved into her Mothering Aspect--which coincides amazingly well with the other two Goddesses of my Initiation. I am a Priest above all other things--and as such I have dedicated myself to these things.
BUT--the Blue Flame tattoo cannot and will not be removed--just as my pictures of Kali trouncing upon Shiva and glorying in blood will not be removed--but they will no longer bear first place, highest rank.
All that means is the new tattoo (a bird) had to be higher than the flame--to keep the flame in its place, without removing the meaning intended.

We went to this place in St John--a place I have actually been before--when it was owned by someone else (it's where the horrid T tattoo was covered up)--but now it is a fantastic place, full of light and grace. And it is super clean. Plus--they have birds, which tickled E to no end. Apparently just because of the birds we must go back and get more tattoos there. It's called Golden Lands Tattoo on St Charles Rock Rd. I haven't the heart to tell E the big coloured tattoos I plan on getting will probably be done in WV by Bryn at InkWell Tattoo (Weirton, WV)--Ben doesn't suck either--he's incredible--I've seen his work--I do not wear any of it--but that may change. :-) I need to drop them a card too--my wolf was admired while I was getting the bird done and when I told the guy where I got it --he had actually HEARD of InkWell in WV! I was impressed for Bryn and Ben there!
Anyway--I HIGHLY recommend both Golden Lands and InkWell. :-)

Since I had other things go on when I got the tattoo--I can't really tell you how long the tattoo integration process is going--but it is alot easier than the octopus integration. But then, She is in colour and my bird is all black. The bird, she's not quite in the right place--but then again neither was the flame. :-) But they are good enough to make me happy. The whole integration process is what I actually worry about w the griffin and the dragon. Both are going to be in colour--and funny now that I stop and think of it--both will be in bronzes and browns--although the griffin will be more tawny and golden--and the dragon will lean more towards the reddish browns and coppers.
I look forward to that.

And yes, it is the second bird I wear. It has been pointed out to me--that I who keep proclaiming I am so not a bird person--have 2 birds--and 1 butterfly. Among all my other things....


but--will the griffin count as a bird-like creature--or as one of the --something else......

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

2009 Getting To Know Your Friends

1. What time did you get up this morning 7 a.m.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
I have no idea--I usually wait for it to come out on dvd
4. What is your favorite TV show? CSI

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
english muffins w butter and rose jam
6. What is your middle name?
7. What food do you dislike?
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? madonna-hard candy

9. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive right now

10. Favorite sandwich?
meatball w mozzarella cheese

11. What characteristic do you despise?
liars and the disloyal

12. Favorite item of clothing? thong

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?

15. Where would you retire to? Wales or Ireland

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
I dunno--
17. Favorite sport to watch?
basketball on tv--hockey in person

18. Furthest place you are sending this?

19. Person you expect to send it back first?

20. When is your birthday? Feb 27th

21. Are you a morning person or a night person?

22. What is your shoe size? 9 1/2

23. Pets? dog, parrot, goldfish, cat

24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us
I am alive--and happy!

25. What did you want to be when you were little?

26. How are you today?
27. What is your favorite candy?
dove milk chocolate

28. What is your favorite flower?
Blue Roses

29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
every day

30. What's your full name?

31. What are you listening to right now? parrot chirping

32. What was the last thing you ate? english muffins

33. Do you wish on stars? Always

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? indigo

35. How is the weather right now? windy

36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? s

37. Favorite soft drink? root beer

38. Favorite restaurant? el chico

39. Real hair color? dark blonde

40. What was your favorite toy as a child? toy grey poodle

41. Summer or winter? Spring & Fall

42. Hugs or kisses? both

43. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla

44. Coffee or tea? tea

45. Do you want your friends to email you back?

46. When was the last time you cried? last night

47. What is under your bed? extra mattress

48. What did you do last night? read

49. What are you afraid of? fear

50. Salty or sweet? depends

51. How many keys on your key ring? 7

52. How many years at your current job? 1

53. Favorite day of the week? all of them

54. How many towns have you lived in? over 20

55. Do you make friends easily? Normally

56. How many people will you send this to?

57. How many will respond?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Fiber Update

I am trying to keep myself accountable here.

Week-ends are rough and off-balance right now because we are still adjusting to N being here--still trying to find our bearings and our routines. It's coming together--but slowly.

And here's another thing--I came into the new year knitting hats and wanting to knit more hats (my crochet gauge still scares me some days so I am not ready to try a hat again yet :-) ).
Then I got my hair cut--got all the dead ends gone--cut away the past 5-6 years of my life hair-wise. And I love my hair now. Quirky and curly as it is. :-) I'll still knit hats though--because i love hats and I wear them alot--regardless. :-) I am knitting alot more headbands now though.

Ok, here's my list of things I have done thus far this year:

start and frog poems easy headband (from '101 Designer One-Skein Wonders' I think)
I frogged it because I wasn't paying attention to the I-Cording--I forgot to slip it back to the other end of the needle and didn't pay attention until about 3 inches later--so I frogged it.)
I started the Mary Jane hat (check on ravelry there--I am on a time schedule here as my dd needs her time on the computer so--this is the best I can do at the moment).

I frogged out the Mary Jane hat because I nearly finished the whole first row--by doing YO, P2tog--except that I was doing a YO, P1--and I nearly made it all the way around--so I frogged it.
I started a rainbow beret-styled hat, combining about 4 beret and slouch hat patterns--only to get to one row away from the bind off--and drop too many stitches--so I frogged the entire thing. It was cute though--I may start that one again.
I started an essence (patons essence) triangle shawl--two different versions--both of which I frogged cause the yarn is so fuzzy and I didn't like the way it was acting.
I started the lavender lace beanie (also from '101 Designer One-Skein Wonders').
I worked on the willie warmer. I had put it aside for so long when I went back the directions didn't gel in my mind right so I had to improvise.

I started a lace headband (in dodo yarn--pictures will be forthcoming cause I need more info on this yarn)--which I finished. I designed the pattern myself based upon my favourite lace pattern (pattern forthcoming as well).
I took a short neck-warmer that had been the remainder of yarn from my Celtic scarf last year and I sewed it together to make a headband (which I am actually currently wearing) and it turned out perfectly. And as a headband I am far more likely to wear it than a neck-warmer. Most of the neck-warmers I made after getting the tattoo on the nape of my neck have been given away or donated by now.
I worked on the willie warmer some more.

finished the willie warmer (it's the seamless knitted version, btw)
finished the lavender lace beanie too

finally made the poems easy headband (details to follow later)
{This was also a stellar day--the gold band I have worn for more than 10 years now on my right hand--I took it off and I never have to wear it again--it's a very near miracle that}

no knitting content
we spent the night of the 5th elsewhere and I was running behind all day

started stolen moments wrap (see ravelry for pattern)--frogged it
started turkish stitch triangle shawl--frogged it

started basic triangle shawl-2 or 3 times--and frogged them all
started it again w smaller needles and patons essence and so far it is still OTN

no knitting content
I worked on the online stuff and I worked on sorting the toys

N is here--so no knitting
lots of playing and giggling though

Plus I have been asked to teach a yoga class
a small one but still
I love it :-)

the day is young yet--but we're going out
probably won't knit til after N goes back across the river

That's all for right now--and now I have hand the computer over to dd so she can play with her webkinz.


This Year

I am not hiding anymore.
Hey, that particular glamour of mine is gone anyway--so why not flaunt it?

I am not going to play games with small-minded people, even when they feel themselves so superior and so justified.

I am not going to sit back and take being abused just because some man thinks I must do everything he wants me to just because he has custody of my son.

I am not going to allow anyone to be rude to me or to treat me horribly just because that's the only way he knows how to deal with me--or people in general.

I am not going to be sympathetic of a person who lacks the self-respect to change the things he hates about himself, while degrading me for doing so myself. As in--I am changing things--I am forging ahead in my life and not whining about what I lack or what I could be doing. I'm doing things.

I am not going to try my best to get the approval of some ingrate a**hole who couldn't be appeased short of finding a woman just like his own mother to wait upon him hand and foot and dote on every word that comes out of his mouth as if it were gospel.

Better yet, I know, based on what the man told me himself, that I am not the only woman who sees him the way I see him.

He is lazy in all things, in all areas of life, and if it doesn't benefit him he won't move and he does the extreme minimum to procure whatever it is he wants.

I am a professional psychic, healer and priest. Pretty much in that order.
I can go into all sorts affiliations and blah blah blah--but I have no need to brag. I have no need of the ego boosting viability of saying I know so and so--I was taught with so and so--I was taught by so and so -- I hang out with so and so. But--since none of it really means anything to me, why should I? I give out enough information for people to get a vague idea of who I am and what I do, so that if they need me they know they can come to me.
With whom I have trained is unnecessary. My guilds and clubs and councils--mean nothing to the grand masses--and some of my associations in the past would keep me from moving forward where I am. Through no fault of my own, but still...
I can however truly and proudly proclaim to be a Neo-Pagan Christian, because one must be able to identify oneself in a court of law against the slander of others.

I am a strange earth-mother hippy-dippy Dharma from 'Dharma and Greg' kind of chick. And yes--I love to make love in the rain--on a rooftop or not. :-)
I do not care much for technology. I do not have cable or satellite--although we do own alot of movies. There is no reason that I know of to have cable or satellite because the television is NOT the main focus in our house. I refuse to buy a really big tv because I do not want the tv to be the main focus in our house. I relish communicating and talking and playing with my children and partner and friends and family. And dog. Can't forget the dog. My family is the main focus in my house.
I love working with and in the dirt, growing things, planting things, harvesting things.
I love making things, with wood or yarn or paper or whatever.
I love my altered books and my art projects. I love to sew too.

I am a writer. And I write many many things. I have completed a knitting book, for which I must knit up the test patterns. Plus, I need to do some re-writing and augmenting of the text parts, because since I learned to crochet my ideas have changed somewhat. Which means I have to have my manuscript in my hand first of all. :-)
I write alot of erotica. It was the very first story form I wrote and I have modified and changed things over the years, but always come back to erotica.
If Anne Rice can write hard-core S&M to release the pressure of writing the Vampire Chronicles, then why look at anyone else funny when they do it?
Would it help to say I write alot of vampire stuff--using as many forms of vampirism as I know? Eroticism and vampirism seem to go hand in hand, no matter what form of vampirism it is.
Not to mention, one of my favourite writers is Anais Nin--that pretty much explains alot--seeing as I have loved her since the early 80s.
But the current book I am working on is more of a love story--a weird one--but still.

I have the beginnings of my management team in place. Now the rest is up to my Muse.

I do not make deals with devils or demons or any shady creatures--despite some people trying to push me heavily in that direction within the past 8 years.
I did cross the River and I did pick a Side. And woe unto those who would try to sway me from my given course--and that is not a threat on my part--it is part of the protection surrounding me and mine now that I have made the choice and been Cleansed and Rebourn.

Take the things I say as you will.

Just be aware. I am not that little girl seeking love and approval any more. I love and I approve of myself. And I aim to make myself happy--my family happy--and my life better than good.

Shame on you if you cannot let go enough to let me go and let me be.

Why I Feel Bad For My Kid Today

My lovely dd, who is 7 years old, has been making people cry, with the things she tells them about x and her relationship to and with x. I don't remember all of the details relayed to me by third parties, but the overall gist of it is --he just doesn't care about her and he ignores her and he hurts her feelings alot and never apologises or explains anything.

The man yelled at her for vomiting one night. Now if she even has a headache or an upset tummy she refuses to go near him til she feels all better.
How horrible does it sound that a grown man screamed (her word) at a 7yo child for puking and missing the toilet?
When the grown man was asked (because by gods I did ask him) all he said was it was a time when ds had been sick and throwing up everywhere and the grown man had reached his limit for tolerance and he unloaded on the kids.
And yet--he never went back and explained that to E--E--a gentle soul who would have forgiven him in a heart beat and forgotten the entire incident had he apologised--but he can't do that. He yelled. She puked. It's all done in his mind. And she will bear the scars of it her whole life.
I had no clue this happened until weeks later, when she got sick here and was so upset and crying hysterically because she tried to throw up in the potty but mostly missed and she was afraid I would yell at her like T did. Even though she knew I wouldn't (cause I asked her what made her think I would do that to her).

She has told someone that T does not let her love on him or play with him or give him hugs and kisses. She always says "he's too busy playing his video games" or "he's too busy on his computer to talk to me".

And this man told me years ago I was exaggerating his level of disinterest and un-involvement with our relationship and the children. Hmmmm.

The most recent curse upon him was uttered not too long ago, when my dd was sitting in her big purple moon chair, looking glum and hurt and near tears. When I asked her about it--and when I finally got it out of her--she told me she doesn't like to go to T's house (even though she asks to go every week-end) because no one talks to her there. No one ever pays her any attention (except to yell at her apparently). T is always too busy with his video games or his computer games--and Niki is Niki and she has said he doesn't act the same when he's at T's house as when he is at our house. None of T's friends talk to her or include her. She is left out and ignored. She also complains of being hungry there because T doesn't like to fix her stuff unless he has to (her words) and he hates it if she gets something for herself (because she might make a mess) --so she goes hungry. And this after I spent how long telling the man to make sure she eats because of her blood sugar issues!!

BUT she asks to go every week-end. I asked her why, if she didn't like to go, why she went, and her response? Because he's my dad and I love him.
How can I tell her that's wrong--when it should be right--but T is too caught up in his own wants and desires to care about the damage he is causing her?

So the next time you hear him say I am being overly dramatic or I am making things up--or that E is a drama queen--think about it.
One day you will see--it is truly NOT me.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Things I Wish I Could Say...But Can't If I Want to Keep My Job

1. He's a drunk. He's a lousy user drunk. He's stealing your money and cares less that you're ill. He is using you. Yes, he loves you. BUT you've spent over 1 year literally supporting this man while he beers, whores and binges, nearly kills himself, refuses to work at all, steals, lies and treats you worse than bar whores.
Give him up--or go down with him. It's as simple as that.
There is no middle ground for which you strive.
Hire the security guards. Get the restraining order. Stay with your folks or your family until he self-destructs after the divorce. But for the love of God and all that's Holy, save yourself and get out--cut him off--walk away--he is not worth it or he would have tried more to maintain some semblance of an actual relationship/marriage with you--or something to help and/or save himself -- or try to stop using everyone else around him. If he gave a darn about you or about himself--he try harder to save himself.

2. Stop being so nice. If you walk on eggshells with her all the time, what happens to you? If she can be herself, but you cannot, lest you displease her, what happens to you? Is this really the way you want to live your life?

3. His teenaged sons do not want to sleep with you--they do not look at you that way. They could care less about you in that capacity.
Every single woman who lives and breathes is not your enemy nor is she lusting after your man. No one really cares about him in that way, nor do they desire to steal him away and leave you all alone.
Every single man is not staring at you and wondering if you would date them or sleep with them. Not your boss. Not the guy in the 7/11. Not your hair stylist who is very gay and not interested in women at all like that no matter how sweet he is to you. Not your 70 year old therapist. Take the drugs he is offering you. You are imbalanced in more ways than one.
Yes. It is you. You are far too insecure and too needy to be able to function in a normal relationship.
Which is why you continue to gravitate towards the emotionally vapid and black-mailing cretins you end up living with and/or dating.

4. After dating a man for three months, one who has not been begging you to marry him or live with him or who is obviously not as head over heels in love with you as you are with him, you do not need to have these screaming fits about why he won't marry you. he won't marry you because it's nuts for a normal person to think that after 3 months of casual dating, where he has made a point of saying he is dating other women, because normal well-adjusted women do not freak out every moment of the day that their man may be scoping out the fat old lady wandering by--you are too demanding--you are moving too fast--and no man will date you once he realises that from the moment you lay eyes on him you are planning the wedding--they aren't ready for that level of commitment with a person they barely know--no matter how good they say you are in bed.

5. If everything is a battle and there is no relief and you have no clue why you are fighting--it is time to re-evaluate whether this is a relationship--or if you even want to be in it.

Well, One Goal Down The Tubes Already

I wonder if I can skew it properly so that I don't really defy my own edicts.

I caved--I bought two knitting for baby books today. But does this really count against my edict to buy no knitting books this year--IF I am buying for a very specific reason? As in I am thinking I will be pregnant by the end of the year--well--ok--fine--long before the end of the year. So it would behoove me to have these on-hand--especially since my ds really would like one of the hats in 'itty-bitty hats'--I ordered 'itty-bitty hats' and 'itty-bitty nursery', both by Susan B Anderson--and this after spending hours on ravelry last night scoping out all the free baby patterns there--and down-loading and bookmarking quite a few. The original idea was just to get a couple quick bib patterns--then I got stuck on a call and I swam through ravelry for quite awhile.

Now--I have an even bigger dilemma. With my stash as it is--I am planning to go out--GASP!! -- and BUY more yarn--BUT it is for 2 specific projects. I am planning to knit the most basic basic blankets ever in red heart baby clouds for the twins. I want a blue one and a green one--as I am fairly sure V is going to love blue (this is the girl) and E--well he could care less but green is good for him--and I am sure N (the soon to be big brother) will love the fact his little baby brother has a green blanket.
I think I am covering all my bases quite well here. E wants a baby sister--because baby brothers it seems are not really to her liking all the time (you can't really dress them up much when "Dad" gripes so about it--plus there's no long hair to play with--cause "Dad" made us cut it. :-) And I am fairly sure that E, with all her appeals to allow her to change diapers and all would just feel better if she didn't have to worry about someone peeing in her face when she changed the diaper--as if she ever will :-) ) I asked N recently if he wanted a baby sister or a baby brother--and he very very much wants a baby brother. Apparently he's all 'girl-ed' out as much as his sister is all 'boy-ed' out. :-) So--both the older kids will both be happy--and upset. Pretty much covers every base there, for sure now. :-)

I spent a bit of time on ebay earlier today (also while on calls) looking at yarns and everything--and I think a nice trip to any local yarn selling store (even walmart) would be a far better deal than anything I saw on ebay. And yes, I looked on etsy--but got so side-tracked with things other than baby and/or yarn. Good thing I am heading out tomorrow, blessed by my best friend with his time and tolerance.

This goofy dog here at my side. I am nibbling baby carrots--and she is BEGGING for them. Yes, I give them to her--and yes, she does eat them. She loves them. The silly thing. Oh--and I have been judging the poor thing--her skull is not shaped properly for collie--not even collie mix. Mark my words, I'm getting her dna tested one of these days. Just so I know for sure. She is SO weird.

Did I even get around to setting up and pointing out my goals for this year?
Notice--not resolutions--but GOALS.

1. Buy no more fiber related books--no knitting, no crocheting, no spinning--nada--this one has been amended to only buying books I absolutely MUST have for a SPECIFIC project--and this does include buying single patterns or any patterns--since we know that etsy is my weakness.
This can also be amended IF I buy or receive a spinning wheel at some point this year--just so I can learn what the heck I am doing.
And this by NO MEANS says I don't want said books -- I would love to receive all sorts of knitting and crochet books--hey--my birthday is coming up and everything!

2. Buy no more yarn--unless for a specific pattern for someone else -- BUT only after some substantial stash diving to make sure I have nothing that might be worthwhile to knit/crochet with for each project.
This pertains to gift for and to others--not to or for myself!

3. At some point the recycling of the stored sweaters in the attic MUST begin!

4. I will do my very very best NOT to buy a gift for anyone this year, not for any reason, not for any celebration, unless there is no other way to get out of it. I will make every gift we give.
As in I will not be buying hand-made--I will be making hand-made!

Here I am reading my notes and they aren't really 'goals' per se--it's a list of things to do yet.

I need to make a list of the things I have promised to do for others--make, sew, crochet, knit, whatever. Like I have a pile of ultra-short skirts for E sitting there waiting for the really long princess part to be found/made and then sewn on. I know I want to crochet both older kids blankets this year. Before Christmas--but probably not before their respective birthdays. N needs his Captain America sweater finished here before it's too small for him. I believe Cousin A would like another mermaid or two--and now--I have safety eyes too. Mwahahaha! :-)
That sort of thing.

I need to make a list of baby things to make--not just knit or crochet--but sewn too. Which will also entail shopping for fabrics and threads and all sorts of sundries--cause baby stuff I do not have much of. I have an urge to start looking at cloth diaper prices and developments again--even though I have N's old ones still. One set needs some fixing--but the other set should be fine. And yes, I will cloth diaper--and breast feed--twins.
I am looking for gender--and season--neutral stuff to start. Although I would like to knit both kids at least 1 baby kimono. But--we'll see how it goes there.

I need a list of what I am going to make for the wedding. There's no way I can knit my whole wedding dress in time--on what, size US4 or 5 needles? I am darn near 6 feet tall! And I want a long flowing gown that trails along the ground. Lucky me, before I actually got married to the Nancy Boy, I actually bought the pattern for the dress I plan to get married in. He and I eloped--it was rushed and dismal and not at all right--which pretty much sums up the whole drama of our marriage--and we were planning to have a real wedding on our 5th anniversary. I can't remember if we divorced after 4 or 5 years. But I knew after the 3 year mark I wasn't getting any other wedding. Well, not with him anyway.
BUT I never lost my hope in being able to make and to wear that dress. I have been itching lately to pull up some muslin fabric and get to work on the muslin proto-type. Not really something I want to do with the small people helping. Plus, I don;'t think I have yet found the presser foot for my sewing machine--I think it may yet be in a box in WV --BUT I have my serger and E's sewing machine--so I am not utterly helpless should I put my mind to it.

I need to work out my blog scheduling--I do want to write more--and I have--but more long-hand than anything else of late.
I pulled my 'Fifth Realm' notes yesterday. And I locked in my management team as well. :-) So I can be proud of myself there.
I hate wordpress. There is too much all over now that they have upgraded and I am returning to the simplicity and ease of blogger--which sucks now that I have my business cards--and my blog address (for work) is on it. There is a minimum of information on my card--first name, phone number, email address, and blog address. I was worried that I would have too many things and too many boxes to stick myself in --or to be stuck into by others--so I left the 'what do I do' part blank. And I am learning already that is a very good thing.

My Talents have vectored. I have a new Regiment of Guides. There are things I could do before that I can no longer do. I have to find some word, some box, to call myself by so that people can have a clue as to what I do -- Shaman no longer really covers it--because Shaman as I was taught is not an open door for me any longer. I've been moved Beyond that Reach again--and I have to move accordingly in this world as well.
I need to sit down when I am not at work one day soon and see what I can come up with as to what my current limitations may be. No longer can I traipse into the Grey nor go with those of the Grey, and the Dark is now entirely off-limits to me. And you know, with that slight Shift of my own from Grey to White (I don't think White really for myself--so I will stick with Light--I still fly Silver and there is no way to disavow that) comes a great deal of internal choices and boundaries that I never thought I would have. I am not complaining--it's just different for me.
One thing I really like is the Guardians in my house are alot more--vocal, shall we say. And another, not only have I lost my own bit of Glamour (see me not), I see through the Glamour of Others--which can be shocking to see the X there as he truly is--and it really grosses me out. How I could think he was worthy of me--with his bulbous globules of fat and horrendous ego, so shockingly out and apparent--
and even before the Shift came about I had resolved to never again date beneath myself--and I am alot better than these losers ever deserved. And one day it will all be seen. I feel especially bad for X some days--he has Glamoured his own mind more than anyone else's. When his own friends start to turn on him, he will truly be shocked and speechless. Is it so wrong of me to relish the thought and await the day? Though Patience is not my virtue--I can actually be very very very patient when need be.

I need to start back up with the weekly (or more) emails to family--and friends or whatever. Not to mention the written version at least four times a year. Not just written up, but mailed out as well.

I also plan to knit/crochet more--not every day but most every day--if nothing else.
I also plan to work on my own designs far more this year than any other.

And on top of everything else, I plan to write more. I have the main basis of 'Fifth Realm' in front of me. All I am waiting for is the manner in which to enter in the subplot and subtext. I cannot have the fifth realm stuck only in one realm--and that one realm not the fifth realm. :-) It's a matter of incorporation at the moment.

I think that covers everything for the moment. I have more. But it will have to wait. E has been nagging me for her turn on the computer for too long now.

So--ciao for now. :-)