The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Friday, March 26, 2010

Balancing My Act

            Pria asks a valuable question: How Do You Find Balance?  If you’ve been reading my blog for long, you have found that that strange sense of balance is something I often seek.  However, of late, things keep falling into place and my life seems to be balancing me, rather than me balancing it.  It is all about choices.  The choices I make and why, and how, I make them.
      There is work.  There are the children.  There is housework.  There is the boyfriend/lover.  There are friends.  There is extended family.  Where are the lines drawn?  Where do we find the time to make the space we need just to be, just to breathe?
      I have spent so much time fighting to find time, fighting to make time.  I don’t fight anymore.  Do I still feel overwhelmed?  Now and then, I do, of course.  Overall, however, I have found that peace, that space within, where my soul pauses to breathe in deep. 
      In the process of simplifying my life, I have found that I am naturally doing more than simply removing unwanted clutter from my physical surroundings.  A big lesson came this past week, when I went through my wardrobe yet again and walked away with three huge bags of clothing to donate to the abused women’s shelter.  I had thought that I had already gotten rid of more than enough clothing, but it seems, I was wrong.
      I am clearing out the spaces in my life that are not held by physical items.  I am making time for things, without real effort, because I decided to choose things that mean something to me.  I no longer will do ‘work’ that does not resonate with me.  I no longer take any client with whom I do not feel a genuine connection.  I do give recommendations to other services though; it is not as if I turn people out in the cold.  I am working more on the other genres in my work life: writing, painting, birthing spirit dolls.  I am knitting more.  The spinning is coming.
      It’s been more about slowing down.  It’s been about taking stock of who I am and what I really want, not what others want of me or for me.  This past Wednesday, I didn’t do Wishcasting with Jamie and the group, because I did not feel the question applied to me this week:  What do you wish to take a break from?  I felt this question didn’t apply to me because I have already dealt with all the things that would weigh on me so and make me need to take a break.  Not that a break from my daughter now and then would not be a good thing, but overall, it’s not necessary.
      I have trimmed away the things in my life that don’t mean as much to me, even when others are telling me I have to do this and I have to do that.  I tend to get caught up in trying to market myself and trying to maintain an online presence and trying to do all these little myriad things.  I don’t like myself and I don’t like my life then.  This is when the Universe kicks me a little something to say, it is ok.  Take that step back, or that mile back.  Read something like this, about how a writer got a two book deal without any social media at all.  This, of course, harkens back to my massage therapy and Yoga school doctrine of no matter what you do or how much you pay, word of mouth is always your most valuable tool to get more clients.  I take great refuge in that thought.
      Knitting takes time.  It is a meditative tool. 
I have adopted more pranayama into my every day world.  This helps me focus and calm myself throughout the day.
      Spinning takes time.  Combing and carding the fiber in order to spin it takes time. 
      Cooking and baking take time.  Cleaning the house takes time.
      Taking care of my family takes time.
      I take my time with love and care.
      I approach my art, whether writing or drawing or anything else, with that same attentive care and love.  Before I lay hands on a client, if it is a healing touch session, and even if there is no laying on of hands, I approach everything with love and care. 
      This is now how I approach my life.  If there is any sort of fear or anger or depression or anything that does not to me feel right, I don’t do it.
      This does not mean if I have writer’s block, I avoid the page.  I might collage something to get the juices flowing before going back to free write for awhile. 
This does not mean I have given up my schedule or my daily goals.  I still have a minimum of 1000 words per day to write, although since NaNowriMo, I have tried to keep the goal closer to 1800 to 2000 a day.  Poetry not included. 
      The extension I am seeing is terrific.  All I did was sit down and think, what means the most to me?  What best expresses me? 
      So, a 1950s housewife, coupled with a 1550s homesteader mentality, maybe?  Yes, that is me.  Some days I think I might just die without my computer to reach out and touch my friends and associates.  Some days I am more than glad that the kids overtake all the computers in the house and I have no choice but to ignore mine’s existence.
      Balance.  I keep my goals manageable.  I don’t feel bad if I let things fall behind as I pursue some other interest.  I don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink, but clean laundry can lie in a pile for a week before I get around to folding it.  I write.  I play with my kids.  I snuggle with my boyfriend.  I see the future opening up again.  After everything that happened the past few years, it was difficult for me to see the way things were moving forward, especially when I focused more on getting somewhere rather than being somewhere.
      I always take the time to smell the flowers, to watch the wild birds play, to feel the wind on my face, to laugh and to be inspired.  That is how I maintain my balance.  I am finally very proud of myself, for the first time in a long time.  I am genuinely proud of myself and of who and what I am.