Well, we know I do not always read everything the day I get it…and if it comes on the week-end, forget it. My kids have the computers—all the computers—in the house busy…regardless of what house we are in…
I cannot even guarantee that I will catch up on all the emails and newsletters I miss over the week-end by Monday. Or Tuesday, for that matter. This week, I am having one of those really weird focus shifts. As things move more into my view, I keep working steadily…not to catch up w myself or w anyone else. I am simply continuing to move, whether it be forward or in place. I am mimicking the shark right now…I have to move to breathe…I have to breathe to live…so, here I am…and no one can stop me.
I love to read the incredible Goddess Leonie. Some days she is my warm breath of peace when things get hectic for me.
On my birthday, which might be just why it caught my eye in the first place, Leonie asked a very poignant and pointed question: “How can you give yourself what you need?”
Even before I began to read her post, my mind was off like a shot…what do I need…what do I need…what do I need…
My Muses stand at the doorway to my mind and they tease me w these vague incoherent images. I see the road before me, but it’s still caught up in the mist. I can see the sun starting to rise up along the edge of the mountain range behind them, the mist turning a lovely reddish orange slowly from the bottom up. I know that I will see the path, clearly, soon enough. Up until that moment, however, I wait. I am not exactly frustrated any longer. I am not entirely champing at the bit to *know*, or to *act*, or anything other than taking a deep even breath in and letting it out slowly….patience is not my virtue…but it does seem to be an act I have learned. I don’t know how…but I have…
Which brings us back to…what do I need?
I need new curtain’s in my boyfriend’s house. So – I bought them. With his permission, I took down the ones that didn’t fit. I added some where there were none. I brightened things up and added character. So, I feel better there.
I need cleaner air. Well, until the old gimp dies, some things must be dealt w, whether we like it or not. I have a stash of volcanic rock scent removing bags…they remove odor and wetness…very good for the carpet where the incontinent dog sleeps…and he is attached to me at the hip…I do not move that he does not follow me right there. I thought Ken was bad—but this…drives me bonkers. Shadow has to be darn near on top of me, close enough to touch me. Sometimes I go to prop my feet up behind the chair I am sitting on and end up kicking the old boy on accident. Today, I bought air fresheners that ‘destroy odors’ and put them all over the bedroom. My bedroom is my haven. At home, my bedroom is scented differently than the rest of the house. I could be blind and walk into my room and still know it is my room…the feel of my bedroom is something all together different. It is my oasis.
I do not quite have that much power at R’s house, despite the fact we had proof thrown in our faces the other day while we visited Kirkwood Knittery (that is an entirely different story there—and a terrific one at that)—we were chatting—and teasing one another—as we always do—and something was said about us being together for so long…the woman asked how long we’d been friends or dating or married—trust me—we get that question A LOT—we always have…I could prove that technically we are living w R because I have a yarn stash at his house…as opposed to the stash that I have at my own house…as I walked through the house today, I noticed it is so much more than just I have yarn here—I have all the good knitting needles (I haven’t moved my collection of not the best needles yet—that is part of my less is more campaign—more on that later) at R’s house…I have stacks of books, in two rooms at least, if not three. No, it is three right now. Yeah, segue. Sorry about that.
I do have some very strong incense that I use, frequently, often a couple times a day now. While he was skiing, R ‘complained’ that his fleeces all smelled of my incense…
What do I need for me?
More time…if I could write and read and knit, all at the same time, well, then, that would be perfect. I need to cut back on the stupid things—farmville on facebook really is addictive in some very strange ways…there’s an obligation to take care of your fellow farmers that drives me to distraction.
I have knitting projects to finish. I have a doll to crochet that is months overdue and a 9 yo is probably pretty upset w me right now! That is never a good thing. I have shawls to design. I have knitting patterns to test out and chart out and write up. I have a spinning wheel on its way to me as we speak. I need to find fiber and time and find my groove. Not to mention, I have spinner’s stories to write…and mermaid stories to write. There is editing to be done. Typing to be done. Manuscripts to dig up and re-type and re-set for the printer. There are blogs to update. One needs to figure out what it is and why it is, although that is one of those things that comes more clear every day.
I need more unprocessed foods. I’ve reached that surfeit of eating out again. The steak on my birthday (at O’Charleys here in Florissant) was so incredible and melt in my mouth delicious…but the margarita used a lower standard tequila than …uhm… my system can tolerate…so that sort of dulled the whole experience…but I had the people I love best around me, so that was good (R, E and N). I need more fresh fruit and veg, often raw and untouched, except for washing and cutting.
I need more…time at my own house…time to stick my hands in the dirt and plant things, grow things. I need to play more w clay, w sculpting. I need to spin wool into yarn and then knit the most incredible things w that yarn. I need to cook and to bake. I need to feel as if I am accomplishing something, w my children, w my relationship w R. I need to feel as if I am there for my friends, without overwhelming myself w the demands of keeping pace w them.
I need … time. Time to sit back and breathe. Not just time to find out who I am, or what I want, or where I am going. I just need the time to sit there, let the motion flow out, let the breathe move me, let the breath be me. All other things in time will come. This is what I need. And only I myself can take the time and give it to myself.
Now, how do I manage that....that is the question...this is where I take it one step at a time...
