I want a doll of my own.
As if I don't actually have several anyway--from the ones I've made myself, to gifts, to ones I've bought myself.
I have this entire agenda this year for knitting and crocheting toys—for everyone else. Other than my amigurumi Alice in Wonderland doll—which I have not yet re-commenced as of this date. Although I keep looking at the yarn I have sitting here, the chosen for her flesh.
I have no real desire to fill my own room with toys I create for myself.
In fact, I have found about about this group and I think it is a wonderful thing. Can you see leaving such things at hospitals and nursing homes? Won’t that just be tremendous? Even leaving them in the offices for public assistance and WIC? Those children would be so – happy.
But—I want a doll. I gave my oldest dd my own gerber baby doll which I got for Christmas the year before my first brother was bourn. That poor doll has been through so much these past decades. But E is thrilled with her—as I always was too.
I have the necessary Waldorf doll making books—and all sorts of cloth doll making books—and several knitted doll books—and even a bunch of free patterns—sewn, knitted, crocheted.
Whenever I am bored lately I do searches on ebay and etsy and in other places for dolls—and doll making kits—and all sorts of doll-related things.
I keep looking and looking, researching, learning, thinking, pondering.
Some of the dolls I see are just so horribly ugly—I am so sorry. And then others show such a lack of – I don’t know, talent, experience, whatever. They are the whole I mean well but didn’t quite get it genre.
I found a gorgeous mermaid doll, with a removable tail, which I thought was so cunning and so cool. But it was the materials list that made me stop and think—again. Who makes a doll out of silk? Would you give such a doll to a child? Not one of my children. BUT if I made a doll for myself—what would I use to make it—if I had no limitations (because let’s face it, buying a small amount of something to make a doll is a lot easier and less expensive than buying a whole bunch of something to complete say a shawl or a shrug or something).
It’s the difference in gas between filling up your car—and filling up your motorcycle. For your car, unleaded is fine. For your bike—you get premium. Period. Though premium costs more, filling the bike tank is so much less than filling up your car tank –and the mileage is so much better with a bike, usually—that you don’t really focus on how much per gallon you paid—you think of how far you’re going to go on that one tank.
It’s like my doll idea here—it seems so much more reasonable to spend $50 in materials—hand-spun alpacas and silks and so on (I’ve been looking—alot)—but there will be plenty left-over from the stash to make any number of other small things—but that doll will be irreplaceable, beautiful, unique and forever special.
I haven’t bought any yarn yet (if you keep up w this blog then you know that's not true now--this post was written a couple days ago and just now pulled from one computer and put up on the blog)—I keep thinking, and planning, and pondering. But it is still there. I keep thinking what doll pattern I have on-hand—or close enough to on-hand—to make it worth my while. I keep going back and forth and just can’t seem to decide—so by my indecision I have decided to wait.
I have several dolls that I am supposed to make for various people this year. I was planning to crochet something for the ex for his birthday—the monk—but as I contemplate it right now I find myself unwilling to go out of my way like that. The monk doll is quite easy—but as I keep looking at the lotus—I find myself unwilling to do something like that for the ex—simply because he is so unappreciative of absolutely everything I do to try to be nice to him.
Let’s avoid the why be nice to him tirade—he is utterly –utterly. It has nothing to do with him personally—I didn’t like him much when we were a couple—why would I bother with him now that I have more than enough proof about his lying, manipulative back-stabbing ways (it’s called fear—he’s afraid of conflict of any sort and prefers to be underhanded about things in order to avoid—everything)—so why would I want to rekindle anything with someone like that? Not to mention—as a boyfriend—he was horrid—I am fine w cheap—and he is extremely cheap—what I cannot abide by was the complete lack—of everything—emotional connection, compassion, show of affection—and the complete inability on his part to even come close to being able to do anything for me in bed (which brings us back to the whole—don’t worry about paying attention in anatomy class—take a human sexuality class—even a communications class would help—if actually applied).
All I want is for us to be able to act like adults in order to do what is best for our children. Instead I get the if I don’t walk his line I am completely invisible line. He just pretends I don’t exist—which is frustrating via email—but is absolutely infuriating when it’s done to my face. I put up w enough of that from my family.
That is the only reason I try to be nice to him—because you have to suck up t the man and flatter him in order for him to even look at you sideways—or at least I do. Not to mention---one of these days the kids will see that I am doing all this work to keep things going and nice—and the ex is being a complete butt. One of these days these kids are so going to turn on that man—and I lack the capacity for sympathy for him anymore.
Anyway—my doll. I will make my Alice doll. I will make another doll for myself as well. And I will order that expensive beautiful yarn and I will make my own doll—all for myself—special and unique.
I am so sure there are so many other reasons behind my wanting a doll. But I won’t get into that here or now.
More to come on this as well.