Thank you to everyone who wished me well over the week-end. It was rougher than I thought -- but in the end I pulled through. I have felt like spun glass in the process of shattering for over a week now.
Hopefully, that part is over and something else can now happen. New growth after pruning away the old stuff.
I basically took the day off today. Last night I went through another Deep Session, on too many levels. And I felt the need to recuperate.
Which apparently meant getting up at 6a and scanning ebay for polymer clay molds--which is what I did.
One Session recently I was told to focus on my doll-making (DUH!) -- but They gave me a direction. Spirit Dolls. With whom I have so much in common. :-)
Yesterday, on our little weekly errand jaunt, we got to go to Michael's -- so I bought clays, and a face mold, and some Oriental kit because it was too Geisha for me to by-pass it. I also got a 50% off coupon that starts 4/5-and I am sending R to pick up the 8 pound block of white clay once the coupon is valid.
Some days I forget myself. I bought key charms for no real reason. They weren't on the rack in the right place, and that so not small nor quiet voice in my head was saying--you need these, you need these. And I am thinking, yeah, right, me listen to the Crow? Think not! Somehow they ended up in my basket, and then in my bag, and are now sitting on my kitchen table waiting for me to come play with paint and glue today.
Last month I found a terrific source for molds on ebay-during one of my what sort of octopus do you have moods: CrowsNestStudios
They have a Gaia form that I saw when I ordered my octopus mold that I really liked--but decided not to get at that time.....but this time-I got that and a few other things as well. I am not familiar with molds much at all. The ones I have were the flexible kind. It hadn't dawned on me until my octopus mold arrived that there might be other sorts of molds. These ones are inflexible, which is rather cool. I did a little bit of internet recon and figured out the best way to use these molds--and I think I am going to be ok with them. I really hope so, considering how many of them I ordered.
The interesting thing that came up with this was the TYPES of Spirit Dolls I will be making. Not just Spirit Dolls, but Healing Dolls, Transformational Dolls. Now, I have a large Frida Kahlo-loving-streak which lead me to investigate the Mexican arts somewhat (I am no expert at all) and I have an affinity anyway for the Day of the Dead. I ordered two skull molds. I have already begun to have visions of the dolls themselves. I don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to do it. But already the dolls are singing to me--which for me means I am in a great deal of trouble--in a good way. :-) I have some butt-kicking Muses--and they do so love to kick mine.
One thing I am enjoying though, along with my Muses great confidence in me and my abilities, is that as I am looking up these molds, and examining different clays (air dry, oven bake, kiln fired) and pondering the best ways to procure said clays, I am noticing the distinct directions in which I am being led. Eventually I see I will be creating my own faces, perhaps even my own molds. But there is alot of sculpting waiting for me in the very near future. I can see myself molding little bodies from clay and baking them, before painting and embellishing them. I can hear the stories--I can hear the singing. I am terribly glad I have Guides and Muses and Friends who support me as much as they do--someone has to believe in me when I cannot be there to do it for myself.
The other thing these Muses of mine are pushing is a return to my drawing and sketching, Yes, I have been putting it off. After being told for so long that I suck, how am I supposed to get over all of that enough to actually believe that even if I just try I might be somewhat decent? Much less as good as these bozos keep telling me I have the potential to be? So, what really do I have to lose? It's not like i have a great deal invested in what most people think of me anyway--only the scattered few. :-) I did order the companion book to the first Monart book I have. I had thought there was a video, but alas, there's seems to not be one. I am a visual learner--I learn faster by watching it done. Then I go research everything else about it so I can improve upon what I have seen.
It doesn't help that I go into Michael's, and after wandering through the jewelry and beads, and staring disconsolate at the clays and other things, I go stare with longing and near desperation in front of calligraphy pens and prang markers and charcoal pencils and reams upon reams of drawing paper--for no real reason as I can't really do that much yet. I often wander etsy staring at other people's artwork, wanting to buy something, just because I want to support the artists out and because their work speaks to me. Other than the fact that I have little money, my Guides, raucous beasts that they are, keep yelling that the artwork I am GOING TO DO is going to outshine alot of what I am seeing and alot of the things of which I am envious. I fail to believe this, but have decided, for good or not, I am putting my faith in these nuts.
Which, all in all, translates into I am putting my faith in myself. For some reason it is easier if I lay the blame on someone else though. :-)
At least I am in a much much better space today. I still think my throat may explode--from of much moving through and wanting to be said--but I least I think it is ok for me to be happy.
There are still alot of weird other-worldly tendrils streaking through my brain like tentacles of jellyfish, stinging me and drawing blood if I merely brush up against them.
I think for today I will put them to rest.
I have bushes to plant. Keys to paint. Dolls to create. Their stories to write. And enough of my own 'stuff' to write up later.
More to come.