The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Playing What If

We’re going to play “what If”…a game I sometimes really hate.

“””What would be different in your life right now if you’d chosen a different path?
For instance, what if you’d chosen a different career? What if you’d married your childhood sweetheart? What if you’d moved away, or if you did move away, what if you’d stayed in your home town? Or it can be as simple as, what if you’d taken the day off work? What if you’d taken a road trip last weekend instead of hanging out at home? What might have happened?”””
(questions from prompt)

Sometimes I wonder why I do these things to myself. I must be the Queen of Bad Mistakes In The Past. I am working very hard these days to make better decisions.
Let’s play, shall we?

So, if I had stayed with J, left school when I was fourteen and run off to England with him…where would I be?
That one is simple. I’d be dead. I’d have either OD’ed or he would have quite literally beaten me to death. Not a happy thought.

And, what about the other J? What if I had taken him up on things? Married him, quit school at sixteen? That might have lasted longer than most would expect. He was a decent guy. I am sure he wouldn’t have amounted to much; I am fairly certain he didn’t amount to much. But I’d have been married, with children. He would have kept us safe. It may not have been the happiest of places all the time, but there are things much worse.

What if I hadn’t just left when I was sixteen? No. I would have slit my wrists again and succeeded. I hated those people and that place so. Death was preferable.
What if I had gone elsewhere instead of MA? I don’t really know. I am a magnet for trouble. But I would have survived. I’d have found a couch to sleep on til I could survive on my own.

Which is what I did after MA anyway. But, wish I hadn’t gone to C. Wish I hadn’t listened. Should have married any number of those guys there. Should have dropped D, and C. Should have gone with B instead. He was a great guy. Me. A military wife. That could have been such an incredibly good thing.

Should not have gone the nanny route. Glad I did. Should have found a way to the other side of the country, rather than getting stuck in the middle. Should never have returned to the East Coast. Nor gone back out to the middle.

Should never have allowed T access. Should have gotten out of the car, on that dirt road in the middle of the woods. Should never have looked back ever. Would have found that nice guy to marry me. Play house and have a family.

Seeing a trend here, are we?

Always after the Barbie life. The house, the car, the family. Me, all I wanted was a farm and a family. That’s where I am heading now.

We are playing what if, right? So, what if C had gotten a divorce, and then married me? Instant family. Three kids. And he was fixed, so there’d be no more. That wasn’t the right thing for me. I know. I would have destroyed him after a year or two, I would have been so bored.

So, what about D, if I’d married him? Some hillbilly from KY, living in a trailer on his parents’ property, doing what my mother-in-law told me to do? I don’t think so. That wouldn’t have lasted. Not at all.

What about V or G or B? B, I could have married and been happy with, I’m sure. He was such a good guy. Another time as a military wife. I could handle that. I have the right mind.

Should have stayed in NJ. Should have hooked up with that Greek guy. We’d have beautiful kids. And he was in construction, so the money was good. And, oh boy, was he a dream to touch…and stare at….and …well…

Should have stayed off the beach. Should have chosen a different career.

Notice, I am not saying at all that I should have gone back to school. Organized education is too much like organized religion…it serves no purpose except to spread lies and misinformation. Let me follow my own brand of anarchy.

See, if I got out of that car with T, then I probably would have ended up living with M, not K. At least we had similar attitudes, although I don’t pee in the sink and would rather not know that he did. That could have worked for awhile, because we’d have pushed each other to move forward. Until it was time for me to move on.

I would have become a stripper. The money is good. I would have done that for a couple years. Enough to set myself up somewhere in the country, just a little farm.
Eventually there would have come a man decent enough to keep and to marry. Someone to help along the way. There would have been children. There would have been animals, farming, trees. It could have been a good life.

But here I am now. I’m not in the same mindset I was then. Stripping for strangers just won’t do. I have two kids now, and two losers lost in the past. Well, one isn’t all that lost yet. Not til my son is older anyway.

I think, despite the pain, the misery, despite all the bad things, the bad choices, the bad people, I don’t think I’d change much in the end. I would change the R/M thing in ’94, but if I had gotten out of that darned car with T, that would never have happened. I’d have kept my soul too; I would never have died. And yet, here I am. I am closing in on 40, but this is the best time of my life.

Now, I have a good solid man in my life. And he is a Keeper. I have my house. Ok, so I want to sell it and get farther out in the country, but still…
Good man. Marriage prospects in the future. He is cool with my Rescue Ranch idea. I think he is by far the best suited person for me that I have ever known. And better yet, we’ve been friends for nine years now. So, he knows how screwed up I am. He’s already prepared. At least, mostly, anyway.

I like where I am. Still learning. Still looking, But not forcing. Writing again for the first time, steady, in years. Drawing, which I never thought I’d do again after I was a kid. I know I’d quit before I was ten, more or less. Squashed by the well-meaning who told me I had no imagination. All these things I do. All my friends. My children. My future….Things are good here. I wouldn’t want to lose them by taking any chance and going back to reverse anything.