The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Jamie and Her Stellar Questions

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday question is:

What do you wish to clear out?

Today I think Jamie was watching me in particular and reading my mind.

I don't know if I can do this in a public forum, because things are so sensitive to others that I want to talk about.

I am currently in a situation where I am really not all that thrilled with being in it in the manner in which I am involved with it, even though I know it is temporary and is worth the effort to maintain the facade at the moment.

That sounds so much worse than it really is, but still.

I cannot wish for someone else to do their work and fix things or whatever on their end. All I can do is take care of my own stuff. It hurts me more than I care to admit because my own stuff is so caught up in the other person's stuff. It's hard to maintain a neutral stance when every iota of your being is screaming something else entirely--and I have to maintain that neutrality for the sake of my friend-and the other people involved.


What do I wish to clear out?

Let me start with the anger I have towards this entire situation. I am at least neutral enough to not be angry at the people involved--some may say that's compassion--I say it's years of prayer and a distinct attitude of in a year what's it going to mean in the grand scheme anyway. But the situation is horrible-for everyone involved. And I need to let go of that anger and hurt I have towards that--and somehow manage to find my 'clean cup' and 'move down' and be ok with everything.

I need to let go of the hurt and shame and anger that I find at being in a situation that I have been in before, even though this situation is so vastly different--the connotations are the same. On one hand, I am so very ok with it, because the end result is so going to outweigh the current confusion, but that doesn't stop the same-old age-old feeling of degradation cropping up periodically, especially when things outside my realm of control enter into my world.

I need to release the desire to hurry things along. I knew going into this situation it would take time to come to an amicable end. And amicable is the way it needs to end for many reasons, also outside my control. I need to stop wanting instant gratification. I need to stop trying to read into things, trying to force things, trying to push myself and my friend in directions that we don't need to go in until other things have evened out.

I need to release my desire to take action, to do something, anything, to help move things along. Patience is just so not my virtue most days.

On a cheerier note--the whole releasing and clearing out anger and shame and fear and indecision and lack of clarity--also applies to the rest of my life as well.

I have alot of emotional content that needs to go.

Thankfully most of the actual physical clearing out was accomplished when we moved and after the accident and everything else. All of that I am managing and moving. I just have to finish off all the arranging and ordering--so I need to kick procrastination right the heck out the front door too.

So I wish it-so mote it be.

And please, for the love of all that's good, let it be fast, despite me. Too many people are in pain and they don't have to be.