The Knitting Journeyman

Gathering Up One Thread At A Time As I Weave This Web Of Mine.....

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Jamie Has Done It Again

Again, a wonderful and thought-provoking question from our amazing Wish Master General, Jamie.

Who do you wish to connect to?

Since I got onto facebook, against my better judgement, but in need of another way to connect and network with other artists/writers/you name it, I have been found by several people from high school. Including my pen-pal who was in Malaysia back then, and who is now moving from New Zealand into Australia.

I am amazed by how many people can find me that way. And by how many want to find me that way.
There are still so many people I would like to connect with-most of whom are not hooked in to facebook at all.

But as I sit here this morning, I am forced to admit-that's not where I want to go with this wish.

When I read this I actually had three people come up.
Although one - I don't think I have to worry about.

The one is my 5 yo son. This boy is so precious. No one stops to listen to him. To really genuinely LISTEN to the boy himself. The ex has had him diagnosed as autistic-but it is something else as N was bourn this way, among other things-but until I am able to take N to the right people, T is going to continue to take government money and fob N off on others, while doing nothing to help N (if your child were autistic-would you let him watch things like Ironman, INcredible Hulk, Star Wars-isn't the first rule not to over-stimulate? And no-when N comes here he doesn't want to watch any of that-we watch cartoons and the more educational some days the more he likes it.)
Maybe for this one I should be saying I want to connect w the ex more, but I know that's a farce. He doesn't want the connection, not even as parents, not on any level. He uses me like a baby-sitter. Nothing more. He doesn't tell me squat. I still haven't even gotten christmas pictures of the kids from last christmas from this man.
We were almost doing ok-until I told him I was dating-and who I am dating. Some times I think maybe I should not have said anything-but I won't hide things and I won't lie. I'm not the ex-and I have nothing to fear.

I wish to keep and maintain that connection w my son. His spirit is so broken some days. He spilled a drink the other day and had a screaming melt-down fit because he spilled it and it needed to be cleaned up. Yes, N likes things to be clean-but this was a reaction to him really being yelled and screamed at for making a mess on several occasions-and not by me-because my reaction is to roll my eyes and go for a rag and a heavy sigh on top of things. And yes, I have literally heard the ex screaming at the boy for spilling things. He's 5. He's a boy. He's a bull in a china shop. He's just a kid. And that fit, those screaming shrieking tears as he fought to get me to help clean things up-it broke my heart.

I just want my kids to be happy. Why does that seem so much to ask?
Anyway-I do what I can to keep N close and let him see my heart. Until he is older-what else can I do?

My other BIG connection wish is w my daughter, E. She turns 8 this month. The front teeth are coming in -so we have big changes coming w the school work here. She has to step up.
We are having huge issues w the room-although last night I finally reached my limit. I laid down a simple set of rules and we will be sticking to them. I am done giving her the space to be responsible and allowing her to take advantage of the fact that I want her to have her own things and be her own person.

E and I both agree we want to have a relationship like Dharma (of Dharma and Greg) has with Abby (her mother). We know what we want. We know where we want to go. It's the getting there we are having trouble with at the moment. Mostly because she goes and sees how other people treat their mothers (like yelling at them, back talking, the 'usual' disrespect) and then does that to me. I can't have that-I can't allow that-and I am done trying to talk to her about things.
I know she understands when we talk-but there's that gap between the knowing and the doing.
The worst thing is I am looking at her and I get it-I was there at her age-only under far vastly different circumstances. I do understand. Which is why I haven't completely blown a gasket all along.

I wish to connect with E on a level where I reach her-on all levels. I want to get through to her, now, before she goes off the way I did and only comes back once she has kids and once she sees what I am trying to say....

And above all else, I want to connect with myself more. I think, after last night's (or this morning's) post, the one prior to this one, I think I might be getting there.
I have all sorts of expectations for myself.
Ya know, I keep my superman t-shirt (the one w the big S on the chest) and my superman wrist bands (don't laugh-they came from burger king kids meals long ago) for a reason. It is in hopes that I can live up to the whole "super" hype I feed myself.
Some days I spend so much time castigating myself-the house isn't clean-the kid isn't cooperating-can't talk to the ex which means i have such a limited access to my son-my books are getting read-I am not keeping up with my drawing or writing or anything at all......
I usually spend a great deal of time worrying about the future-and I still do-but I am trying to force myself not to right now due to circumstances--some days it is rough to date an empath -- some days it is all too rough to date someone so bloody logical too. I will worry about every little detail, whether it comes true or not. Then there's him, my best friend, whom I am used to bouncing all my weird worries off of when they get to be too much for me, and I can't really do that when I am worried about him/us in the future and his approach is not to worry about things til we get there, til they are pertinent (which, yes, is a much better approach).

I wish to connect with myself more, so I stop freaking out because I cannot do 100,000,000 things in one day that I tell myself I ought to be doing, so I will stop telling myself I am such a horrible mother, such a horrible person, such a horrible everything. I want to stop the voice in my head that keeps telling me how much more I could be doing, how much more I should be doing, how far behind I am all the time.

That's all I can do-put it out there and pray.
Which I do-every day. :-)